American Professional Wrestling, Theory Of (Real)

Prepare To Be Confused

Author: JuggyNot
Date: 1997/09/21
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On the whole, professional wrestling, though quite entertaining and brutally violent, has turned into a hobby of a limited audience; namely drunken white trash [1]. Bear in mind, this is still quite a large audience, but such focus excludes several otherwise adoring fans.

Why are people so eager to plop down in front of the set and watch two ballerinas punch and kick the air directly in front of (sometimes quite a few feet to the side of) someone's face? Because of the reactions caused, of course.

1. For one, the other "wrestler" winces in mock pain and sometimes screams some obscenity.
2. Secondly, the commentators will exclaim "Goodness gracious!" or "Wrestler X sure is takin' a wallopin'" in a pseudo-Texas accent.
3. Thirdly, the audience, if not out buying cotton candy or giant foam hands, will yell, in stereo mind you, "OH!" Sometimes, particularly if one of the wrestlers is being "beaten" in the corner, the audience will spontaneously, and of its own volition, count. Traditionally, the audience counts along with the "punches" being delivered which usually amounts to 10 "punches." When the number either exceeds or falls short of ten, however, the maddened audience becomes confused. Most will keep counting to about 8 full seconds after the barrage of "punches" has stopped.

   In some federations of wrestling, it is customary to buy 5 U.S. dollars worth of soda only to heave it, and the cup containing it, at the combatants. Here, it becomes painfully obvious that the wrestlers are trained for just such a situation, as they will never react to being smeared with such soft drinks.

4. Fourthly, and most often overlooked, is the referee's reaction. The ref will either make a futile attempt to reprimand the wrestler delivering the punch (most often by reproducing the offensive manoeuvre in mid-air), will wince himself in mock surprise (as if he doesn't see a bodyslam every other night), or be spontaneously knocked unconscious. The latter of these phenomena is outrageously hilarious. The reaction of this is the same as those listed above.

This is where it gets confusing. Reactions causing counter-reactions which will likely set off a chain reaction of events that will undoubtedly end the match in some unfair fashion, causing some wrestler to get a shiny oversized belt.

For instance, say a ref was slightly tapped by Monster KahunaMokka, the challenger to the belt. The ref is, of course, knocked cold. Now, fate chooses one of the four aforementioned reactions to occur. If (1) occurs, he is made to look quite foolish, as the ref was the one knocked unconcious, and not him. (2) is the most common reaction, the common statement being a calm retort of, "Well, there goes the ref." Of course, in any other refereed sport, like boxing or tennis, a KO'd ref would make headlines the following morning. (3) very infrequently occurs in this instance, as the ref does not draw any sympathy from the crowd. If anything, the crowd will give a feeble cheer at the demise of an official. They are, after all, drunken white trash. Why is this? It is simply because the referee is already in the ring when the wrestlers arrive. If the referee got theme music or fancy tights, he might get a tiny bit of respect.

Now, we get to counter-reaction (4), which can be dangerous in this situation. A knocked out ref can, in theory, still reprimand a wrestler. "How?" you may ask. Through karma, of course. Very rarely, a wrestler charging his dazed opponent with a chair will trip over the inert body of the referee, causing all sorts of reactions and thereby counter-reactions. A KO'd ref can wince too, though it is often independent of the wrestlers' reactions and looks very much like a twitch. Finally, and here's the tough part to grasp, a KO'd ref can be KO'd. A ref getting up from previously being KO'd is still considered KO'd as he is not able to officiate. Upon his first recovery attempt, it is preordained that the referee will be bumped into or slugged again. Thus, the referee has been knocked out twice.

All of these counter-reactions, of course, cause more reactions, counter-counter-reactions as it were. This is far too complex to go into here. One question remains: If this article has utterly confused you, which it undoubtedly has, why is wrestling a "sport" for drunken white trash? The world may never know...

[1]

`What is ``drunken white trash''?' asked Alex McLintock when this article came up for discussion. `Is this some American term which means something to Americans but not Europeans? Is it safe to use in polite company?' Robert A. Uhl (uhl@red.netexas.net) answered this as follows: `If there were such a thing as polite company, no. But it's a phrase used even by James Carville (an associate of Pres. Clinton). `White trash are the poor white people, generally from the rural South, whom everyone looks down on. They are the ones who are featured on the various talk shows (next week on Springer: I'm Dating a Black Man But My KKK Grand Dragon Father Objects). They are viewed as drunkards, dirty, superstitious, ignorant and illiterate (much the way the Irish were viewed last century in the US and, I believe, the UK). `Of course, the reality is quite different. Most poor rural white Southerners are no different from people anywhere, save that they are pretty well-nigh universally looked down upon and are aware of the fact. I tend to feel sorry for them; they don't deserve the disdain they get. 'Course, it doesn't help that they keep on trying to get ``creation science'' admitted into the school system... `To answer your question, though: it's a phrase which most Americans (esp. the Yankee and coastal elites) would not hesitate to use, although it is rather offensive.'