Solutions To Drinking Problems

Any hitch-hiker who visits bars a lot can tell you that, in whatever galaxy the bar is located, the problems one encounters when visiting one (or more precisely, after one has visited one for quite some time) are roughly the same all over the universe.

This article is meant to give some common solutions to these problems, which can be quite useful for the unexperienced hitch-hiker...

PROBLEM                 CAUSE                           SOLUTION
-------                 -----                           --------
You have little fun     You have failed or for-         Take new glass
drinking and your       gotten to open your mouth,      and practice in
front feels damp.       or have put your glass          front of mirror
                        to a wrong opening in your      until your drin-
                        head.                           king technique
                                                        is perfected.

Beer does not taste     Glass is empty.                 Find a person
as usual, but instead                                   willing to buy
is pale and bright.                                     one or more
                                                        drinks.

Feet are becoming       Glass is held upside-down.      Turn glass either
cold and wet.                                           clockwise or
                                                        counterclockwise,
                                                        until open side
                                                        is facing up.

Feet are becoming       Inaccurate/inappropriate        Complain with
warm and wet.           bladder control.                the owner of the
                                                        nearest dog to
                                                        save face.

Head is becoming        Karim van Veen from             Find other partner
cold and wet.           Zoeterwoude, Holland is         for conversation.
                        "talking" to you.

Bar is passing by.      Not true. Someone is            Are you being
                        carrying you somewhere.         carried to the
                                                        next bar?  No?
                                                        Protest clearly.

Opposite wall looks     You have fallen backward.       Have yourself tied
the same as the                                         to the bar.
ceiling.

All is dark and         You have fallen forward.        See previous answer.
your mouth is full of
glass and ash and
cigarettes.

You can't see right,    EMERGENCY! You are looking      Have glass refilled
everything is blurry.   through an empty glass.         as soon as possible.

Beer tastes strange     You have mistaken ashtray       Give up smoking.
and contains solid      for glass.
objects.

You are staring at      You are sitting on the floor.   Find empty stool
something dark and                                      or pick up own
you have lost your                                      stool.
glass.

See also

• Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version
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