Passive Drinking (Real)

A Pointless Experiment To While Away A Sunday Evening

Author: Tony Blews
Date: 1995/01/31
Agree? Disagree? : Have Your Say
Buy Books About This Topic At: Amazon UK Amazon US
Send This Article To A Friend: Email It Use Telepathy

The dangers of Passive Smoking have been known for a good few years now. Passive Smoking can cause lung cancer, bronchitis and heart disease, just like Active Smoking, but tastes bloody awful. Theorizing that Passive Drinking might be possible, I carefully conducted the following experiment.

Materials Used

14 pounds sterling
1 public house
8 pints of Guinness
A large proportion of a Sunday Night

Preparation

The sum of fourteen pounds sterling was withdrawn from my bank account, and upon arrival in the public house was exchanged for eight pints of Guinness. The drinks were then place upon the bar.

Experiment and Observations

The Experiment commenced at 20.00 hours. At fifteen minute intervals, a measurement of intoxication was taken, by attempting to say the phrase "She sells sea shells on the sea shore" three times, until two hours had elapsed. The results are recorded below.

   Time    Intoxication    Notes
   -----   ------------    ---------------------------------------------
   20.00   None            Experiment Starts.
   20.15   None            Funny looks from bar staff.
   20.30   None            More funny looks.
   20.45   None            Asked, "What on Earth are you doing?"
   21.00   None            Attempted Drink Theft occurs
   21.15   None            Start to find lack of intoxication disturbing
   21.30   None            Looking forward to finishing this
   21.45   None            Oh no, the DJ is playing Madness
   22.00   None            Experiment terminated.

Conclusion

From the above results, it can be determined that passive drinking is:

1. Safe
2. Utterly Pointless

Addendum

The experiment did, however, present one small problem. What can you do with eight pints of Guinness, with only 30 minutes to closing time, and still be able to walk home?