Party Hints (Real)

How To Have A Party On Earth -- Some Helpful Hints

Author: Daniel Bowen
Date: 1992/02/03
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Here are some handy hints to remember if you're planning on having a party:

1. Don't have one. You'll be regretting it for the rest of your life, as every day you'll find another piece of rubbish or a stain you hadn't seen before.
2. Keep control of the music. Don't let the alcoholic headbanger of the party take over or you'll have wall to wall heavy metal all evening as he gets completely pissed and lies in the garden, still banging his head on the garden path to the Slayer album someone was irresponsible enough to bring along.
3. Make sure no-one strays from the garden into the house. Grass is easier to clean than carpet, and is considerably cheaper, even if you do have to mow it.
4. Don't let any electrical engineering students do the lighting. You could end up electrocuting ten people and blacking-out the state.
5. If you're going to have a barbecue, make sure there's someone sober around who knows how to try to work it. Try not to let any intoxicated persons near the gas supply or the matches.
6. Do not let people who can't cook, cook.
7. When using party sparklers, do not wave them at passing aircraft, particularly when in the vicinity of an airport.
8. Always have a conversation starter ready for the dreaded and inevitable lull during the early stages of the party when everyone sits around talking quietly. Experts have identified a condition known as Sudden Party Global Quietness, whereby everyone suddenly and unexpectedly stops talking at once, leaving the loud music and the quiet headbanging from the garden as the only sounds in the otherwise silent darkness.
9. Try to prevent lights exploding.

          10) Do not, on any account, let in people that you don't
             know.  Especially if they look like intergalactic hitchhikers
             -- they always cause trouble.  Subject all entrants to
             interrogation, search, and "identify the host" procedures.

          11) Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger
             bring along his baseball bat.

          12) Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger
             and his baseball bat get into arguments with other guests,
             no matter how trivial or insignificant these arguments might
             seem to be at first glance.

          13) Do not encourage those possessing baseball bats to go
             clubbing.

          14) Have someone ready to turn the electricity off at the
             fusebox to plunge the house into darkness and silence the
             moment there is any hint of the constabulary being in the
             immediate vicinity.  And hope they don't hear a hundred
             people screaming "What happened to the lights?" "I can't
             see a thing!" and "Whoever that is, get your hand off me!"

          15) Keep your pets safe out of harm's way.  They will
             probably agree with this.

          16) Purchase plenty of provisions in advance so that people
             don't have to get lost somewhere in suburbia for hours in
             search of an open bottle shop.

          17) To deal with the neighbors, either buy them a family
             pack of earplugs or invite them to get sloshed with everyone
             else.