Prolific Writing (Real)
How To Write Properly (Or Not To)
Most problems with creative writing these days stem from deadlines. It's the old story of:
- Writer gets commission to write something.
- Publisher says "jolly good" and goes off to annoy another less fortunate writer.
- Writer attempts to write something, but gives up, thinking "I'll start tomorrow."
- Publisher tells writer to finish current chapter by the end of the month.
- Writer goes to lots of parties and forgets about deadline.
- Publisher gets irritable when first deadline passes.
- Writer has lots more fun at parties, and attempts to explain away hangover by calling it "writer's block."
- Publisher gets angry and sets another deadline.
- Writer tries to do some writing, and misses said deadline.
- Repeat steps 6 & 7 for a few times until everyone gets dizzy.
- Writer eventually finishes book.
- Publisher is happy, and pays writer copious amounts of money.
- Writer is mobbed by scores of marauding fans armed to the teeth with autograph books.
To avoid these unpleasant situations, try the following system instead:
- Think up an idea for you to write about. Don't tell anyone about it.
- Lock yourself away in a room with your word processor, microwave cooker, and several heat-and-eat meals.
- If anyone asks what you are doing, say you are playing one of those computer games that is so complicated, if you leave it now, you'll never complete it, ever.
- Write the book, without pressure of deadlines or death threats from irritable publishers.
- When the book is finished, tell Publisher that you have an idea for a book (sneaky huh?).
- Publisher says "jolly good" and wonders which unfortunate writer to intimidate next.
- Writer goes to lots of parties, and forgets about nasty Publisher.
- Publisher sets lots of deadlines, and is surprised when...
- Writer magically makes all the deadlines.
- Everyone is happy, and writer gains reputation as a miracle worker.
I think you will agree this is a far better system than the first, since it avoids all those nasty headaches, vicious confrontations over the phone, premature hair loss, drunken let-me-forget-everything stupors, and sleepless nights that are usually associated with writing wonderful works of literature.
Of course, you could just ignore everything in this section and go to a party.
