Watermelons (SemiReal)

Ritualistic Uses For Watermelons On Two Planets

Author: Travis J.I. Corcoran
Date: 1992/12/14
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First, let's define what a watermelon is. Er... no, let's first define what a watermelon is not. It is not water, nor is it a melon. Well, actually, it is a melon, but admitting that would screw up the parallel structure... so let's just agree that its not water or a melon, OK? From there, let's talk about what it is... it's well... now, I can't say it's a melon, can I? I just told you that it's not, and we can't have a watermelon being both a melon and a non-melon, can we? Hmm. OK, a watermelon is this big green egg-shaped sort of thing, you see? No? OK, picture a dry, red, dusty rock about the size of your eyeball. A watermelon is almost, but not quite, exactly unlike that rock.

Interestingly enough, watermelons are known to exist on only two planets in the known universe: Zylo XII, and, er... Earth. Even more oddly, members of the dominant species of each planet have been observed participating in the same ritualistic use of watermelons.

First, let's highlight the similarities between the two rituals: The rite involves "liberating" a watermelon, climbing to a high place, saying some words, then throwing the watermelon off the high place.

Some have raised the objection that these are merely superficial resemblances, and that the rituals are actually totally different and unrelated. These specific (O)bjections are (R)efuted below:

O1.  Zylo XII watermelons are totally unlike Earth watermelons.
R1.  While it may be true that Zylo XII watermelons are
     actually eggs of carnivorous treeworms, and Earth watermelons
     are a kind of fruit, there remains many other similarities that
     conclusively prove that they are more or less the same thing.

O2.  On Zylo XII, the natives steal the watermelons from the nest of
     treeworms; on Earth there are no treeworms.  What gives?
R2.  While, technically speaking, there are no treeworms on
     Earth, this is hardly the fault of the Earth natives, is it?
     Under the unfortunate circumstances, they do the best they can
     and liberate their watermelons from the basements of college
     dining halls. Given the context, it's really more or less the
     same thing.

O3.  On Zylo XII, the watermelon is thrown from the summit
     of the Mountain of the Arrogant Sky Watcher.  There's no such
     mountain on Earth; explain that one away!
R3.  True, there is no MotASW on Earth.  Once again, it is a
     matter of understanding the context, and adjusting
     accordingly.  On Earth, the watermelons are thrown from Cornell
     University's Space Sciences building (alleged home of alleged
     astronomer Carl Sagan).  Follow?

O4.  On Zylo XII, the natives chant for three days, celebrating
     the hunting prowess of their ancestors before they hurl the
     watermelon, after which they are declared full adult members
     of the tribe.  Surely this doesn't happen on Earth?
R4.  Um...yes, that's how it works on Earth too.

See also

• Watermelon Rituals