Insults (SemiReal)

Expressing Your Displeasure With Others, Alien Or Otherwise

Author: David K. Merriman
Date: 1993/09/24
Agree? Disagree? : Have Your Say
Buy Books About This Topic At: Amazon UK Amazon US
Send This Article To A Friend: Email It Use Telepathy

Why Not To Use Gestures To Insult Another Being

We've all had those awkward run-ins with (supposedly) Sentient Beings from Another Place. Sometimes, these run-ins are the results of literal run-ins. In any case, it sometimes happens that Interaction Between Individuals reduces to a simple matter of exchanging Unpleasant Opinions of each other.

While gestures are quite useful when dealing with ones own species, or when one is reduced to incoherency by events, they are not always a Good Thing To Do - sometimes, what is considered an appropriately Rude Gesture is perceived as something entirely different in meaning by the party it is directed toward. For example, Humans (a.k.a. Terrans, the third sentient lifeform on planet Earth, solar system "Sol," Galaxy "Milky Way") frequently use an extended middle 'finger' (individual manipulating digit) as an indicator that another individual of the same species is held in Low Esteem. While the gesture is generally understood, this same gesture, performed on Drool, seventh planet of the solar system "Politicks" is interpreted as an invitation to the recipient to begin mating activities with the sender, without delay, using any permutation of appendages and orifices.

It has generally been found that if the hitchhiker is to maintain some small semblance of chastity, they are better off using the Guide to research the physiognomy of the local beings, as well as local Rude Gestures. This is quite useful, until a 'hiker of one species must express an opinion of another species when the two do not have approximately-similar appendages. In such cases, the only valid alternative is the use of insults, which one may be reasonably certain will be correctly understood if the other party is also wearing a Babel Fish. Such insults should be adapted to local idiom to be effective.

Some of the more useful (and general-purpose) insults might include:

"Your parental units were/weren't siblings."

EARTH

"Your mother and father were brother and sister."

DROOL

"Your mother and father never met."

> "Your genetic structure is shaped like a rhomboid/ellipse/double-helix/
        food item/inanimate object."

EARTH

"Your DNA looks like a pretzel."

DROOL

"Your RBI closely resembles a trapezoid."

> "Entities such as yourself are why your society invented/prohibits
        birth control products."

EARTH

"People like you are why they invented condoms."

DROOL

"You are an example of why frequent mating is encouraged."

"You are hyper-/hypo- intelligent."

EARTH

"You're on the cutting edge of stupidity."

DROOL

"Admit it - you're an Intellectual!"

> "One of your parental units frequently/seldom engages in mating rituals
        with multiple entities."

EARTH

"Your mother swims after Troop Ships."

DROOL

"Your father is a virgin!"

Accusations of prohibited mating acts.

EARTH

"So, have you quit groping your cat, yet?"

DROOL

"You use your fourth appendage to drink with!"

There are, of course, many other such general-purpose insults and accusations; the 'hiker is again advised to familiarize him/her/itself with local conditions.

Remember, while Rude Gestures are infinitely more satisfying, they can have Unpleasant Consequences; and chastity is correctable.

See also

• Earth