Norway, Earth (SemiReal)

Place To Stay For A While, The

Author: Ragnar Aas
Date: 1994/03/01
Agree? Disagree? : Have Your Say
Buy Books About This Topic At: Amazon UK Amazon US
Send This Article To A Friend: Email It Use Telepathy

Norway. The small country which nobody seems to know where it is, and everybody claims is a threat to the environment, wars, and anything that's fun. Well, if you should ever by accident land there, you will notice that it's quite cold. Unless you should get here in the summer when it's accidently warm and the sun is accidently shining from a clear blue sky. If you want to be reasonably sure that you get fine weather, land here on working days between 9.00 AM and 15.00 PM, local time. Then everybody is working, and nobody can enjoy the fine weather. Don't ask me why, but it works.

Norway is renown for its fjords, mountains, friendly people, and unpopular political statements. If you ever get in touch with one of the natives, do not, repeat: DO NOT say you're a vegetarian. This is about the worst insult you can come up with. If you should accidently BE a vegetarian, hurry to insist on Norway's right to whaling, sealing, and fishing. Otherwise, you'll probably end up in a seriously threatening discussion on why you foreigners always come around and tell good people how they should live their lives, even though you haven't.

Norwegians are known to be friendly, apart from the previously mentioned episodes, and you will probably enjoy your stay. BUT: DO NOT SAY THAT YOU COME FROM ANOTHER PLANET. If you do, they will lock you up and claim that you have lost some of your brain cells, which, of course, you haven't.

The food in Norway is very tasty. That is, apart from the local specialties: rotten cheese, salmon and trout. It is not known how they came up with this food, but according to some, they discovered it by accident. Some party a few hundred years back had a lot of left-over food. To get rid of it, they buried it in the backyard. Some hundred years later, a hungry farmer dug it up again and ate it. If that doesn't turn your stomach up-side down, nothing will. Maybe except the burger they serve at the meal-stop between HDA226868 and the star system DD128 Beta.

Local drinks: Akevitt. It's taken from the latin words Aqua Vitae, which means "water of life." After tasting it, you begin to have a slightly ugly feeling that the name is a joke. It tastes something in between urine and alcohol. You can't be too sure which of the two you taste the most, and whether its just a taste. If you drink too much of it, you will probably feel like shit anyway.

Norwegians are a very paranoid people. If you should by accident land your ship in one of the fjords in an innocent attempt to fish and read the Guide, you will probably be mistaken for a Russian submarine and towed away, cross-examined, sent back to Russia where you didn't come from, and have your space-vessel confiscated. In Russia you will probably be mistaken for a Norwegian spy, arrested, and sent back to Norway, where you will be jailed for illegal immigration. After a few months in jail, you will be sent back to Russia, where you will be deported to Siberia where you will spend the rest of your life freezing to death and working in the coal mines.

Therefore, the following is a list of places where you are recommended to land:

1. The middle of Oslo, the capitol of Norway. Everybody will think you're an artist named Michael Jackson with a new face made from plastic surgery, and will only run you down to get your autograph. Remember to write MICHAEL JACKSON, not your own name. That will cause a minor incident that will take too long to describe.
2. In the sea. Camouflage your space vessel as a speedboat and cruise in towards the shore. This will get you safe and sound into Norway, and besides you will probably get a lot of women on board. That is, if you haven't turned it into something that looks like a cross between a bathtub and a hippopotamus. The only thing you'll get then is the Royal Norwegian Navy on your tails, mistaking you for a Russian submarine. (See previously mentioned paranoia.)
3. Anywhere else. Get yourself a passport from another country and come here as a tourist. Be sure to look like the people from the country you get your passport from. Be sure not to have a passport from a country which is at war.

   This will lead to the mistake that you're seeking political asylum and you will be placed in a small place far-off into the woods where you will have to stay until they have decided whether or not you should be granted an asylum. This mistake can, of course, be avoided, if you explicitly claim that you're here as a tourist.

Some general information:

Location:  Earth.  Not to be confused with other places on the probability
           dimension.  Coordinates 1+3.425i on the probability dimension
           is correct.  Somewhere the Earth turned out to be a banana
           which was accidently eaten by a hungry monkey which had been
           transferred to this location by some kids playing with their
           dad's improbability machine Perrullion XB-4.  The monkey died
           soon after.

Norway had in this location been a poisonous bug which had eaten its way into the banana. How the banana got there is a totally different story.

Currency:  Kroner.  1 kroner will buy you a small chewing gum or a good
           laugh from the waiters in a restaurant.

Average temperature: 10 degrees Centigrade, which works out to be around
           50 degrees Fahrenheit or 283 Kelvin.

Capitol: Oslo. (Excellent landing spot.)

How to avoid getting mugged: You don't get mugged.  The laws on guns and
           weapons are so strict that not even the police carry guns.

How to avoid getting beaten up: Don't tell you're a member of Greenpeace,
           Sea Shepherd, Blitz, any martial arts club, or here to get
           yourself a girl.  The last one will probably lead to a severe
           reduction of your reproductive abilities.

How to impress a girl: You can't.  This trick may work some other places,
           but not in Norway.

How to get here: By plane, boat, car, bus, bicycle, ski, foot or, if you
           should not be from the Earth, a space_vessel not larger than
           the mid-range Sebulo Spacetech Personal Starhopper XAP-1 or
           similar.

What to bring:

1. Towel (goes without saying)
2. T-shirt saying "I love whaling"
3. T-shirt saying "I hate whaling" (In case you run into some members of Greenpeace.)
4. Lots and lots of money
5. Umbrella
6. Good sense of humour

See also

• Earth