Field Researchers, How To Recognize
Hitchhiking around the globe, seeing all types of people, you may be so exhausted that you want to recognize ultra-cool froods without bothering to go into all the rituals of getting acquainted first. As it happens to be that all Project Galactic Guide Field Researchers and all sympathizing hitchhikers fall into that category, here's a few tips to spot them.
When a Field Researcher (FR) walks around you will immediately recognize him . For no reason at all, almost all of his clothes are black. This has nothing to do with Heavy Metal. The first thing you will notice is the handy black trenchcoat and the black baseball cap with the PGG logo on it, and a PGG business/press card attached. He also wears a black high quality PGG t-shirt underneath, and black (or blue) jeans. Also very important is a good, comfortable pair of waterproof hiking shoes for the times when there is no other transportation, or when you have to walk through lakes of piss at railway stations etc.
You are also sure to notice a suspicious bulge at his side - it's a highly dangerous jellyfish in its holster. The black sunglasses that the FR wares round off his sinister outlook (just to put people off balance). Oh, yes, and of course there is also the black satchel. This satchel is strapped to the back (a backpack thus), giving maximum mobility in case a nasty situation should arise (the creation of which some hitchhikers are very good at).
In the backpack are the tools of the FR. These are a towel, numerous plastic bags, lumber, four feet of dental floss, a watch (for finding the north, but then again, who cares to know, so just forget it), a camera, some string (rpg), a bathing suit (or not, if you prefer that), monopoly money in different currencies, a pillowcase, PGG business cards, a water bottle (water is medicine for everything), matches, bathroom stuff, decks of cards, Paul's action figurine for the lonely nights, mosquito repellant, and a mouth organ or a didgeredoo.
The lucky or rich FR also carries a hammock with him, together with a large sheet of plastic (or a towel) and a mosquito net. This way you are able to sleep everywhere you want! A hammock is especially comfortable on ships. Remember to purchase an original one, not one of those western-world ones with sticks at the ends.
Don't expect to find any cards or expense bills on the FR, because there still isn't a friendly millionaire or company financing this project. Yet. The vacancy is still open. Every FR pays for everything he does himself, just like every other hitchhiker.
But the most important tools of the FR are in the inside pocket of his coat: his bic pen and notebook, or sometimes even a laptop, although I fail to see how they can get the money for something like that. In this notebook you will find the pages almost completely scribbled full of unreadable gibberish: The Notes about the places the FR has been, and The Thoughts he has had. A FR can go walking around naked; as long as he has this stuff with him, it doesn't matter.
Besides his tools, the FR also has things with him related to eating. There is food: a lunchbox with sandwiches, a watermelon, a mars bar, cookies, teabags, a ham, aspirin. There are also inedible items which make eating a lot easier: a can opener, a spoon, a widget for opening soda cans in space, and a PGG mug.
As the FRs are the most hoopy froods around, you won't notice their extreme egos before it's too late (dang, you like them already!).
The most common meal of the FR is pizza. All similarities with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles end at this point: the PGGFR has Internet access. I mean, I still haven't seen any Leonardos or Donatellos around yet.
As far as handicaps are concerned, hitchhikers can miss a lot of limbs, as long as he has at least one thumb. FRs have to have at least one hand to write with. FRs with laptops only need to have one finger.
This is all theory. In reality you will never be able to recognize a Field Researcher, because although his brains are severely meddled up, he looks inconspicuously normal. (Also the t-shirt and related items haven't been produced yet.) Too bad. But it's for the better, because this way a FR will be able to do his research without being influenced by all the store, cafe, bar, hotel, and airport owners who'll do anything to promote their products. And face it, there are as yet not enough Field Researchers around to give a significant probability to encountering one by chance.
P.S. Do you know those television series where once in a while the program makers get lazy and make a program which is a patchwork of some previous episodes or programs? Do you get the same feeling here?
|||I wrote this article assuming the FR is a man, because including all the alternatives (woman, mouse, etc.) would take up too much space. I have the impression most FRs are male, so I feel justified by that. I'm sorry if anyone disagrees with that. To make it up I promise to write another article with a woman or a mouse or other as the subject.|
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