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Scientific Truth In Product Warning Labels (SemiReal)Crutial Warnings To Heed With Care
Date: 1994/02/08 Agree? Disagree? : Have Your Say Buy Books About This Topic At: Amazon UK Amazon US Send This Article To A Friend: Email It Use Telepathy (Stolen Without Permission from Journal of anillegiblycopiedtitle) WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity. WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the
Universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a
force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely
proportional to the distance between them.
CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent
of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product,
since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its
velocity relative to the user.
ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but non zero chance that,
through a process known as "tunnelling," this product may
spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear
at any random place in the universe, including your neighbour's
domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any
damages or inconvenience that may result.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons,
etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every
measurable respect as those used in the products of other
manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately
be expressed or implied.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible
for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely
where this product is and how fast it is moving.
NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together
by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and
whose adhesive power cannot therefore be permanently guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon,
the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this produce consists
of 99.999999999999% empty space.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically
charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred
million miles her hour.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions
of a grand unified theory, the primary particles constituting
this product may decay to nothingness within the next four
hundred million years.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner
whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe.
Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned
that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the
universe.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically
be entitled to claim that this product has ten-dimensional
legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three-
dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are "rolled
up" into such a small area that they cannot be detected.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including
this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally
small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge,
the existence of this product in that universe cannot be
guaranteed.
PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the
consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease
to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise
should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion
will result.
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