Thirty-Seven Ways To Deep Sea Fish With Four Feet Of Dental Floss (UnReal)

A Fun And Challenging Activity For The Sports Enthusiast

Author: Mark Anthony Young and Kristian Wiklund
Date: 1992/01/15
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It is, of course, perfectly ludicrous to suggest that anyone can deep sea fish with four feet of dental floss. Dental floss is a controlled substance in this galaxy, and possession of amounts in excess of 12 millimeters is punishable by a fine of 30,000 Altarian dollars and/or seventy-five years at hard labor.

Nevertheless, our researchers have braved untold horrors and the galactic legal system (a horror that everyone should be told about) to bring you the following list of ways that you might try to deep sea fish with four feet of dental floss.

1. Go to the building at the end of Beeblebrox Lane (just about every city in the galaxy has a Beeblebrox Lane, and each has a large, decrepit building at the end; trust us, we've checked). Knock three times slowly, then twice fast. When they answer the door, say Zaphod sent you. At the end of the hall you will see a door marked "Private. Do Not Enter." Go in. (Trust us.) Address yourself to the person behind the desk (pay no attention to the armed thugs that will try to block your way, or possibly to kill you). Say that you know where you can find some dental floss, and you'd like a deep sea fishing fleet for the information. Settle for a single fishing vessel. (Let us know if this works.)
2. Stash the dental floss in a friend's home. Phone Galactic Security and inform them that you know who's behind the recent rash of dental floss abuse in the area. Use the reward money to buy a deep sea fishing vessel, and to get some plastic surgery done so that your friend can't find you when they get out.
3. Stash the dental floss in your friend's home. Phone them up and tell them that you know about the dental floss, but you won't squeal if they buy you a deep sea fishing vessel. (If they balk, see number 2, above.)
4. Become a judge of the Galactic Superior Court. Find yourself guilty of possession of dental floss, and fine yourself 30,000 Altarian dollars. Pay the find from the department's petty cash, but lose the paperwork and use the cash to buy a fishing vessel.
5. Find someone who can't count (they're all over the place). Tell them you have one hundred feet of fishing line that you'll let them have if they take you deep sea fishing. Use a foot ruler to measure out the dental floss, counting carefully: "one, two, five, one hundred." Make sure they don't get close enough to detect the substitution.

          100) Go to Pandenteris V.  The oceans of that planet are
             remarkably shallow, obtaining a depth of no more than seven
             feet.  Wade into the sea (being careful not to fall off the
             continental shelf unless you are more than seven feet tall)
             and drop one end of the floss into the ocean, baited with some
             worm or other (do not use the local worms, since they are a
             protected species, and in any case they are so mean that they
             would shoot you if you looked sideways at them, let alone
             tried to make a meal of them for the Pandenterian fishes).
             By local standards, you are now "deep sea fishing."

          85) Borrow a time machine from a friend (not the friend you tried
             Number 3 on).  Carefully note the time.  Every ten minutes for
             the next hour, take your dental floss back to the noted time
             (be sure to move somewhat to one side each time you go back).
             Tie your piece of dental floss on to the end of the floss that
             is already there.  Leave the floss and return to when you came
             from.  When you get back you will find the two pieces tied
             together, resulting in a piece of dental floss twice as long
             as the one you took with you.  In this way you will double the
             length of the floss every ten minutes.  After sixty minutes you
             will have a piece of dental floss one hundred twenty-eight feet
             long.  Then you can try passing the floss off as fishing line
             (as in Number 5) to people who _can_ count.  (Try to get out
             and back as quickly as possible, as the people from the
             Campaign for Real Time will be coming after that dental floss
             as soon as they can, which might be real soon since they also
             have access to time machines.)

9. Buy some bad meat and boil it until it is very sticky. Then take a walk down to the beach and throw the meat into the ocean. The local fish community will eat it and soon they notice that their teeth are unclean -- now it's time to do the actual fishing.

   Take a small piece of paper, write "Dental Floss Sale This Way" on it, and draw an arrow pointing upward. Tie one foot of the dental floss to the top of the sign. (First you must disguise the dental floss by painting it red, simulating blood. No one wants to use second-hand dental floss.) Tie the other end to a small flotation device.

   Next thing to do is to get a long stick (30-40 feet) and put a bucket at the end of it. Type "Dental Floss Lives in This Bucket" on the bottom of it and tie the rest of the dental floss to the bucket handle so that the fish must jump between the actual bucket and its handle.

   Now, position the bucket-stick-thing hanging with the bucket a few inches above the water. Throw the sign into the ocean and wait. Soon the fishes will start jumping out of the water, trying to reach the dental floss. As some of them actually manage to get hold of the floss, they will end up in the bottom of the bucket.

          37) Go to the building at the end of Beeblebrox Lane.  Knock three
             times slowly, then twice fast.  When they answer the door, say
             Zaphod sent you.  Go down into the basement (be careful not to
             let the doorman see you go down).  Place a stick of Mega-Blast
             Explosives and Incendiaries' Best under the room at the end of
             the hall.  Bump into something, but try to make it sound like
             an accident (do NOT bump into the explosive, nor knock anything
             onto it -- you're trying to go fishing, not flying).  When the
             thugs from the room above find you, grin sheepishly and say
             "Oops."  You'll be with the fishes in no time (don't forget to
             take the dental floss)!

See also

• Recreational Impossibilities