Prophet Margin, The (UnReal)

A History Of The Greatest Disciple Since... Well, Ever!

Author: John F De Ryckere
Date: 1992/12/04
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As most beings in the universe already know, Prophet Jake Margin was, and most likely will always be, the most influential and revered religious figure of all time. As opposed to most holy rollers who preached about doing good to others, this most absolutely irrefutably righteous dude preached about being good to oneself. Even, I might add, if it meant being not so good to your fellow man, insectoid, sentient energy field or what have you. The good Prophet originally was one of the more mainstream misguided followers taking vows of chastity, poverty and other horrible vows. His religious beliefs (and the universal economy) were forever changed when he was visited by God after a nasty fall off of the altar. As he was convalescing in his hospital bed with a rather nasty concussion, God visited him (in the form of a talking bed pan of all things).

The conversation, according to Margin, went as follows:

God

Salutations, Margin. Have I got some news for you!

Margin

What? Who's talking? Where are you hiding? Is this Alachoo's Funniest Home HoloVids?

God

It is I, your God, Margin. I have brought news of great Import. I am speaking through this bed pan.

At this point Prophet Margin was rapt with attention, although somewhat dismayed at the form his God would take.

M

Are you off your rocker? God would not take the form of a bed pan! Perhaps as a nice potted plant, but a bed pan? Never!

G

I would, and I did.

M

Then prove it!

G

I know why you fell off of the altar Margin.

M

(trembling) Y-you do?

G

Yes, I know all. I would have previously struck you with lightning for drunkenness on duty, but this little tidbit changes everything.

M

(Astonished) You must be the real thing. Heavy. And I'm to be your messenger? I'm not worthy...

G

Yes I know, but good messengers are hard to find these days. My news is this. All of my disciples must set forth to maximize their net worth. Tell them to become filthy rich at all costs.

M

But I thought you said to be rich in spirit, to shun material wealth!

G

I changed my mind. I can do that, you know. Tell them to become rich, millionaires even. They can use whatever means are at their disposal.

M

Any means?

G

Yes, any means. Suppose you were under the blistering suns of the desert world Kunth'k. You have an ample supply of water, food and so on. Through the desert comes crawling a bedraggled millionaire. Days without food and water. What do you do?

M

Why, I give him some of my food and water, of course! It is the right thing to do.

G

Screw the right thing! You take him for all he is worth. Give him food and water, but only after he agrees to relinquish his millions.

M

I can't preach that -- it's heresy!

G

Well it came from me, so it can't be heresy. I'll tell you what: as my messenger you should be rewarded. All my followers will have to give you ten percent of their wealth.

M

Well, I suppose it isn't that bad. I mean after all, the guy still does get food and water. I suppose in fact a lot more people would be willing to help out that fellow. OK, yeah, I think it's a good idea. A great one in fact! I'd be delighted to preach your word!

G

Oh, by the way, Margin. Forget the chastity bit as well. Sex is now a valuable commodity.

M

Really. You mean I'm free to have sex?

G

Yes, you're free to have sex. And not just with yourself any more.

M

(blushing) Right!

With this, Prophet Margin went into the universe preaching the new and improved word of God. He did meet some resistance from the 'old guard' of the priesthood, but this resistance dwindled as the money from penances started to earn the converted priests better temples, rectories, and expensive retreats on the more temperate planets.

All civilizations pay homage to this guy now, even back-water ones such as that found on Earth. You will often hear earth-bred humans speak of maximizing their profit margin. It may have been a bit corrupted, but the connection is still obvious!

While the message of Prophet Margin was to have an everlasting effect on history, the same cannot be said for him. While travelling the vast void of space he was again visited -- this time by a voice which told him that the vacuum outside his luxury space-yacht was in fact, quite hospitable. The voice was dead wrong.