Antigravity, The Feline Butterology Theory (UnReal)

Author: Captured From The Usenet Oracle
Date: 1993/06/25
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This question was posed to the Usenet Oracle:

     If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor
     butter-side down.  If a cat is dropped from a window or other high
     and towering place, it will land on its feet.

     But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to
     a cat's back and toss them both out the window?  Will the cat land
     on its feet?  Or will the butter splat on the ground?

And in response, thus spoke the Oracle:

     Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
     able to deduce the obvious result.  The laws of butterology demand
     that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of
     feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its furry back.
     If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to
     resolve this paradox.  Therefore it simply does not fall.

     That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),
     you have discovered the secret of antigravity!  A buttered cat will,
     when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of
     cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium.  This
     equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter,
     providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

     Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this
     principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system.  The
     loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring
     of several hundred tabbies.

     The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the
     bread off their backs they will instantly plummet.  Of course the cats
     will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good,
     since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of
     red-hot starship and pissed-off aliens crash on top of them.