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Sad Bastard Test (UnReal)

Lifestyle Examination And Self Analysis

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You may be asked to complete the following test at a variety of social events in the region of LoonDoon. You are forewarned and have no excuse for failure.

The Sad Bastard Test

Each question requires a "yes" or a "no" answer. You can tick the boxes in the grid at the end of this article if you want, but any spare piece of skin and a biro will do.

Do not quibble about interpretation. Make up your own mind as to what the questions mean. You don't get a free point by writing your name at the top of the page. Count up your "yes" answers; this sum is used to calculate your final score.

     Appearance:

Do you own an anorak?
... with five or more pockets?
... Does one of them contain an A-Z?
Do you wear glasses?
Are they mended with Sellotape(TM), fishing line, or epoxy?
Have you tried to grow a beard?
... and failed?
... because you are female?
Have you worn the same pair of trainers for more than two years?
Have you worn sandals with socks?
Are your jean turnups more than four inches high?
Do people look at you and laugh?

General Computing Questions:

Have you used a computer ?
Have you owned more than three home computers?
... Was one of them a ZX81? (Which you built yourself?)
Have you ever had a Casio Calculator watch?
Have you ever got into and argument about whether C was better than Modula 2 or Pascal?
Do you collect old computing magazines for the nostalgic adverts (e.g., the Sinclair QL)?
Can you pronounce GIF, LATEX, JPEG, & SCSI?
... Do you care?

Have you ever deliberately crashed a computer?
               (Burn in hell scum!)

Do you have an email address, and prefer it to the phone?
Do you offer your email address to people before your name?
Have you ever joined electronic chatline called "HotSex" (or similar) and discovered that all the "women" chatting were really men pretending to be women?
... Were you one of them?
Do you hold conversations in jargon?
... with Acronyms/Abbreviations?
... in C/Pascal/Assembly language?

Computer Games:

Do you shout "NUKE 'EM!" in Lemmings?
Have you played more than three versions of Tetris?
Have you ever been Elite?
Are you waiting for the virtual reality game of "Leisure Suit Larry"?
Do you sometimes play computer games for more than three hours a day?
... more than six hours?
... whilst asleep/eating/in the bath?
Have you ever had more than thirty computer games at any one time?
... More than 100?
Do you get ever so upset if someone knocks you off the high score table?
Do you buy computer game hint magazines? (Cheat!)
Do you want to buy a Sega Megadrive? (Contact ICSF committee)

RPG Section:

Do you know what R.P.G. stands for?
Do you know what these are: PC, NPC, FRPG, GURPS, THAC0?
Do you own more than one RPG?
Do you own a d20?
Do you own more than 100 dice?
Do you own a d100?
Have you ever played an RPG by yourself because no one else turned up?
Have you ever LRPGed?
Have you ever used RPG as a sex substitute? (Does your character get more than you do?)

TV & Video & Films & Books:

Do you know all the words to Rocky Horror?
... the audience participation version?
Do you have a complete collection of Star Trek videos (not including ones taped off the telly)?
Are you now collecting Star Trek TNG?
When you were younger did you want to be a "Red Shirt"? (You know, those security guards in ST -- the ones who were the first to get shot.)
Did you want to be a Tracy brother and fly Thunderbird 2?
Do you watch Telly Addicts to improve your knowledge of television?
Do you get a friend to vet your sitcoms and only watch the ones he doesn't like?
Do you think that "It's a Knockout" should be repeated?
Have you read more than 5 Gor books? (Written by John Norman)
Have you read the Star Trek Technical Manual?
Do you often say "It's not as good as Tom Baker's Doctor Who"?
Have you read an entire Steve Jackson Fighting Fantasy book? (From cover to cover?)
Have you been on a TV quiz show (e.g., "Blockbusters," "University Challenge," "15 to 1")?
Have you read Paul Darrow's Blake's 7 novel?
Do you still have porn mags from your teens?
Did/do you have a crush on Carol Vordermann?

General Lifestyle?

Have you turned up to a party 2 hours before anyone else?
Have you held a party where no one turned up?
Have you wanted to hold a party but not had the courage?
Have you held a party where people didn't talk to you?
Have you worn a costume all day at a (sci fi) convention?
Have you spent an entire convention in the video room?
When joining a club, convention, or anything with membership do you ask for number six? Double oh seven? Forty-two? Sixty-nine? Six six six?
Have you ever photocopied parts of yourself? (Using enlarge?)
Have you ever written part of a Sad Bastard Test?
Would you describe yourself as a sad bastard?
... Has anyone else?
Do you use a tube map when you play Mornington Crescent?
Have you got a collection of stamps/stuffed dodos/porn mags?
Do you own a 1971 "Tell Me Why" annual?
Do you have more than 5 Blue Peter books?
Have you posted yourself mail to make yourself look popular?
Have you collected the whole alphabet in smarties tops?
Have you organized a con? Bonus for inviting yourself as G.O.H.
Did you ever buy a C5?
... Do you think the C5 was good?
Have you ever spotted trains? Planes? Busses? Collected ISBN numbers?
Have you ever left yourself a message on your own answerphone?
Are you a member of Octarine?

Sex, Drugs, and Rock'n'Roll (and Chocolate)

Do you know what teledildonics is?
Have you ever done a purity test?
... and told everyone your score?
Have you done more than two? (And compared them?)
Have you written a purity test?
Have you ever wanted to be a tampon?
Have you ever wanted to be Michelle Pfeiffer's underwear?
Do you have a complete collection of Marvel Swimsuit Editions?
Is innuendo as much of a sex life as you get?
Have you looked through chemistry text books for drug structures?
Can you draw the chemical structures for any drugs? (Not alcohol or caffeine)
Have you not noticed you were being offered drugs until it was too late?
Do you "only need one pint to get pissed"?
Have you gone to the pub immediately after donating blood?
Do you headbang to Bohemian Rhapsody?
Do you regularly quote '70s songs?
Do you sing along to ad jingles?
Have you the complete collection of Dire Straits albums?
... Do you listen to them?
Do you listen to your music collection in alphabetical order?
Have you more than three versions of the same song by the same artist?
Have you ever done something to deliberately lower your purity test score?
Have you hired a PI to track down a member of a pop group?
Do you have more than 1 Rolf Harris song?
Have you been on a "Club 18-30" holiday?
Do you catalogue your music collection using a spreadsheet?
Ummm... can you think of any more questions for us?

(Sorry, I lied about there being a question on chocolate.)

  --------------------------------------------------------------------

email address: ................... Name: ..........................
Address: ...........................................................
Phone number: .................... Cash card PIN: .................

There are roughly 125 questions altogether so divide your score by 5 and multiply by 4.

  Answer grid (check off the boxes for "Yes" answers):

                           |                   |
        -------------------------------------------------------------

1-30    | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
        -------------------------------------------------------------

31-60   | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
        -------------------------------------------------------------

61-90   | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
        -------------------------------------------------------------

91-130  | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
        -------------------------------------------------------------

                           |                   |

Oh, and if you feel that the test was "ageist" then lose two points for expecting it to be Politically Correct.

        Score
        -----  x   4    =    ......%
          5

Score Table:

  1-10 : You are unreal!  You are such a hoopy frood that you couldn't
         do a thing wrong.
 11-20 : Hey, don't worry about it, you are probably an ex-sci fi fan.
 21-30 : My score is in here.  You are in the band between being too normal
         and too weird.
 31-40 : In a pub, if the barmaid has to decide between talking to you and
         talking to the accountant sipping something with an umbrella in
         it, the accountant wins.
 41-50 : This is Steve Brewster's range.  He is the one with the anorak with
         five pockets, and an A-Z.
 51-60 : Urr, you beat Steve!  Cor, wow!
 61-70 : People cross the street to avoid you.
 71-80 : Get with it.  You have been practicing, haven't you?
 81-90 : Cheat!  You go to Imperial College, don't you?
91-100 : SEEK HELP NOW!  YOU HAVE SB SYNDROME.  This isn't contagious
         because no one will go near you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Please send back new questions to:

       alexmc@biccdc.co.uk
       or
       (The Sad Bastard Test)
       Imperial College Science Fiction Society
       c/o Imperial College Union
       Beit Quadrangle
       Prince Consort Road
       South Kensington
       London
       SW7 2BB
       (United Kingdom)

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