About

Cape Canaveral, Florida, USA, Earth (Real)

East Coast Place Called Space, But Without Any

    The word, "Florida" roughly translates to "land covered with whole lot of plants." Apparently, the people who named this land had never been to Disney World. This is because that particular exploitation of human ignorance hadn't been grown yet. However, our sources being correct, as they always are, they did, in fact, visit the Space Coast area of Florida.

    The Space Coast is an unofficial name given to the central east coast of the peninsula. It is so named because it is, well, on the (a) coast. Also, the "space" part of the name was given to the area before every single retiree in the United States migrated there and used it all up. It is for this reason that the US Space Program was centered in this area. The idea was that if they could write the word "space" on the side of everything, from buildings to brownies and ice cream, that people would begin to think that they had more space than they actually did. The scheme apparently worked, as humans continue their emigration there to this day, despite the fact that all the space was used up years ago.

    The population of this area is, as noted above, largely skewed to the "seasoned" side. This is fully embraced by the tourism industry there, which regularly air commercials featuring a lone, young, attractive couple on a pristine, sandy beach that stretches for miles on end, the only sound being those made by the waves of seagulls. The tourism industry, it seems, was also headed by the same people who were in charge of the Space Program.

    The reality of the beach scene is this: it is totally amazing. The Space Coast of Florida is host to some of the most spectacular natural phenomena ever conceived. There are the rare aquatic species of the Atlantic Ocean and Indian River Lagoon areas, armadillos, beautiful oak tree-enriched forests, the sound of the beach, and the never-cold weather.

    Thus, the tourism industry here has fully embraced the natural systems of the Space Coast: with concrete. This brilliant scheme was devised to save the land from the outside elements by encasing the entire area with pavement, mini-malls, and surf shops, which form a protective shield from all native life, which had, up to that point, infested the whole area. Everyone knows that things such as natural dynamics, evolution, and, I dare not mention it, pristine ecosystems, are a detriment to the Industry and should be removed.

    Industry in this area is largely based on the Space Program. This is because there were no "useful" natural resources to exploit in this area. No oil, no farmland, no oil. Nor was there any oil. There was only swamp, scrub, beautiful beaches, lush forests, and a very dense population of native life, which, as stated above, could not be tolerated and was promptly done away with and replaced by more acceptable inhabitants. Thus, the authorities appropriately decided that they could accomplish two things with one swish of the pen: they could rid the area of indigenous life forms, and create Industry. The Industry part was, by far, the most successful. Not only were the facilities created that any self-respecting Space Program should have, but an equal, if not, greater support industry was generated. The people at the Space Center got really bored with their jobs, so they built malls, restaurants, and family fun centers. These creations had jobs that needed to be filled, so more people moved to the Space Coast. A vicious cycle ensued, leading to the proud, exemplary retirement community we have today.

    What To Do In The Space Coast

    Your average hitchhiker will find there is not much to see in the Space Coast, unless you're into one of seven things: ecology, space travel, old people, malls, mini-malls, fast food, and high school football.

    The ecology thing isn't recommended, especially if you love to see what's left of the Natural World before it all dies. This is only so because there is a rich, totally dynamic ecological community in the area. "Well, that's what I'm looking for," you say. Well, great, but this one's doomed. It'll save you time and heartbreak if you ignore this wonderful ecosystem. For one thing, you can't possibly learn anything substantial about it before it's gone. Second, if by some miracle you do, in fact, learn about it before it's gone, the Industry will inevitably tear it all down before you had time to show anyone else. Besides, it's far too beautiful not to love, so you're in for some major heartbreak when the bulldozers come in.

    Space travel, now, there's a good one. You can see the Spaceport USA tourist attraction, which is loaded with the relics of NASA's glory days. You can see the Rocket Garden, where they stick all kinds if defunct rockets and tell everyone that they actually did grow there. You can also see a mock-up of the Apollo Project command capsule, complete with a fake Neil Armstrong. There is a really cool IMAX movie theater, too.

    Oh, for all you shopping/spending types, Spaceport USA will be a great one for you. Although there is, regrettably, no admission fee, everything there is to do inside (like IMAX and the tour bus) costs money. Besides, at least half of the buildings at Spaceport USA are gift shops and burger joints. Rest assured that your tax money may be enough to fund the entire Space Program, but isn't nearly enough to feed you while you're there.

    Old People

    Oh, yeah, old people. They are the most dominant species at the Space Coast. Nary a driver alive hasn't felt the wrath of Slow-type old people driver going 30 in a 60 zone. This is the most common breed of old person driver. The most dangerous one, though, is the Jetter-type. The Jetter is notorious for cutting into traffic in a most ingenious way: They wait. They never accept anything but 20-centimeter spaces in which to fit their huge gas-guzzlers. They wait until a victim, who is obviously in a hurry, to be following fairly closely to the car ahead, and then, they jet in front of them at breakneck speed, only to morph into their more common brethren, the Slow-type old person, once they have gained a spot on the road. They never will pull in behind someone who is in a hurry, only in front.

    Old people chose Florida to live in because of the temperature: it's quite hot. It seldom drops below 90 Fahrenheit, and humidity is almost always above 95%. As you may know, meat doesn't do well in high-temp, high humidity areas. It tends to rot in these circumstances. Thus, old people are presumably on a self-destructive orgy of death, sitting and feeling the very flesh rot off of their bones. Who knows why, but, hey, whatever floats your boat, I guess.

    Malls

    Old people love malls, for some cosmic reason. This leads to the next area of interest in the Space Coast: malls. For some reason, they attract people form every stratum of society: old people, crazy people who talk to themselves, what some call "normal" people (never seen one, but they must be out there,) and teenie-boppers. Thus, tourists go to malls in order to fit in with the locals. This is a futile attempt, as the locals don't fit in either. The mall is a great opportunity for the hitchhiker to see what strags in the Space Coast do on their day off.

    If you don't have the time for a mall, visit a mini-mall. These are nearly identical to the standard mall, except that they are more common, are open-air type things, and always have a (random one-syllable word or letter here)-Mart and/or a grocery store, with various "support" shops and restaurants. It is notable, though, that the most prominent aspect of any mini-mall is its parking lot. In the parking lot, you can find the various methods the locals use for transportation, and, in most cases, a fast food joint of some sort.

    Food And Stuff

    The inhabitants of the Space Coast (and the whole of Central Florida, for that matter) seem bent on totally encasing the land with fast food joints. They never have enough, and as soon as one pops up on some random street corner, eight more are soon to follow, all of which serve the same "cuisine". It is to be noted, also, that the only difference between these myriad fast food places is the name, wrapper, monthly contest, and kiddie prizes (where applicable.)

    As to the explanation of why there are so many of the same thing, it seems that the local Space Coast inhabitant is extremely "busy". It seems that if you lack the energy to drive an extra mile or so, and lack the further energy required to actually enter the restaurant in question (hence the drive-through window,) you are considered "busy" and "active" by the community.

    It is to be noted that the locals of the Space Coast have a preoccupation with automobiles (as does much of the rest of the USA,) as well as a preoccupation with shortness of transit time. This is ironic, as people who love cars would, presumably, not mind driving an extra mile for yet more fast food. This is an unsolved mystery, and is worth further investigation.

    Perhaps the most frequent patrons of the fast food restaurant is the high school football player. It is only logical that an athlete would want to feed him/her/itself with the finest, most nutritious food nature's bounty can offer. Thus, they eat fast food, which is renowned throughout the galaxy as, perhaps, the greatest source of grease and preservatives known.

    Is it possible that old people know about this, and eat vast quantities of fast food simply for the lubricating quality of grease, as well as the longevity associated with preservatives.

    High school football is extremely popular in the Space Coast, even if you aren't in high school (and, in some cases, especially so.) You see, there are but a few things to do for entertainment in this area. Some are mentioned above. Another is watching the various space vehicles lift off from the launch pads. However, these launches aren't usually scheduled for Friday nights, which is when your typical American wants to get out and have a "good" time. Thus, high school ball, which is conveniently scheduled, is quite the in thing.

    Football itself is an interesting topic, and is not the subject here. However, suffice to say is that many people who watch high school football in the Space Coast know alarmingly little about it. This is interesting, as many of these same people revolve their lives around it. Such is the typical inhabitant of the Space Coast, and, indeed, the United States of America (which is, also, a topic unto itself).

 
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