Incremental Self-Promotion (Real)

I've Got One. Well, I've Got Two.

Author: Aaron Rice
Date: 1997/02/06
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It's crazy to think that society on the planet Earth has developed so far, and still retains such primitive and weird customs. You can guarantee that, if we ever have proper interstellar contact with any other life form, a conversation in which we are both informing each other of our capabilities will run along the lines of a statement, followed by a return statement which roughly doubles the previous one.

The usual formula for such an conversation/arguement will be as follows:

• Person1 = statement
• Person2 = statement X 2
• Person1 = statement + arguement2
• Person2 = arguement2 X 2
• Person1 = arguement2 X 4

To be repeated until both parties are bored or dead, or in extreme cases, both.

This roughly mirrors the conversational technique of any two people picked out at random, that are determined to put forward their major view, which is that they are the best. Though this is a manner usually reserved for children, the age is never significant.

An example communication will be something like this:

Human

We are a peaceful race who abolished cruel weapons 50 years ago.

Alien

Well, we abolished cruel and evil weapons 100 years ago!

Human

We've got two arms.

Alien

Well, we've got three!

Human

You made that up! Anyway, we have two legs.

Alien

Only two?

Human

Don't say it... You have three?

Alien

No. Four.

This conversation will run for quite some time, and as it goes further on, things will become a little more heated, and each party will then concede less and less:

Human

What do you mean, "Only five fingers"!?

Alien

Our race have as many as seven!

Human

Well, we have another five on the other hand!

Alien

Oh, well, on the other two hands, we have another seven.

Human

Okay, but we have five toes on each foot too!

Alien

Only a puny species would have toes on their feet. We don't need those.

Human

Oh sure... Well, why not?

Alien

We have four heads.

As you can see, in the event of any inability to enhance an aspect of themselves, the relevant party will then attempt to deny its impact completely.

Eventually, of course, the conversation will drift away into infinity, and both parties will be left to consider what a total arse they have made of themselves, and to think about how they will explain to their friends that they "won".

It is this method of argument that has for so long dominated the lives of anybody who is overwilling to portray themselves as "better" than everyone else. In the end, of course, exaggeration can lead to a call for "proof" which usually results in both parties having to admit that they were lying all along, and that they probably just got "carried away".

See also

• Winning Arguments