Monkeys, Barrel Of

Monkeys, Barrel Of
UnReal
More Fun Than A Barrel Full Of Monkeys
6U11
1996/06/07
Barrel Of Monkeys

Author:
Roger Hanna

Date:
1996/06/07


An archaic game involving plastic monkeys, a plastic barrel and (presumably) plastic fun. Of more interest is the expression "more fun then a barrel full of monkeys", which interestingly enough seems to predate the rather mediocre game.

A considerable debate continues to rage about this phrase, with occasional drunken brawls livening the discussion from time to time. What, exactly, is so much fun about a barrel of monkeys? How many monkeys are in a barrel? What kind of monkey? What size of barrel? What sort of sandwich would a barrel monkey like? What color would the monkeys like the barrel painted? If they were to go over the Niagara Falls in that barrel, would it be fun? And do you have to be alive to have fun?

These and other earth shattering problems prompted the "1st Annual Monkey Barrel Conference" in Berne, Switzerland, on Dec 5, 1995. A number of things quickly became apparent:

1. The monkeys had to be alive and intact to have fun. A strong religious left movement pushed for a "bliss after death" ruling (and thence to overthrow the famous "Monkus Intactus" clause), but this was overruled by Green Peace and the Vatican.

2. The size of the barrel and the size of the monkey are both vital and totally irrelevant. It is instead crucial to maintain the proper ratio of monkey size to barrel size. The Phrase Founder (the near mythical being or group who coined the phrase) obviously had in mind a divine plan, a mystical monkey-barrel ratio of monkey bliss. The Ratio Committee worked hard and long, examining archaeological data, the Egyptian hieroglyphs, various biblical texts, the Tantric Guide to Orgasmic Love, the Wiccan Guide and of course, the Easy Guide to the Future and Past Through the Sandwich Oracle. The result was stupendous and is still debated: 6.7 monkeys per barrel (it is thought that the PF was close friends with the first director of the U. S. Census Bureau). Since Monkus Intactus was in effect, this was rounded to 7.0. Increasing or decreasing this number can cause variations in the Monkey Giggle Value, exact extent of this changes and the rate of change of the rate of change is still unknown.

3. The Fun Board decided that the Barrel of Monkeys was equivalent to 15 minutes of rather good stand up comedy, 5 minutes of a really good Doom game, half an orgasm, 7 good sandwiches, half of a joint or a six-pack of good beer. It was, however, nowhere as good as the acid they took as comparison. Meeting called on account of severe lack of coherence suffered after the last comparison.

4. The Attitude Panel decided that the Ratio Committee was correct (or at least impossible to disprove), but that the Monkey Attitude Aspect would modify the Ratio. It was decided that the original MAA had to be 1.0 (else the RCs' ratio was wrong). Various changes in MAA can be effected by conditions, food, drink and the amount of Monkey Aphrodisiac, to name a few of the many things tried that morning. The best was a secret combination that resulted in a a Monkey Happiness Multiplier (MHM) of 6.7 (a coincidence thereby proving the need of a Creator Being and his need for Sandwiches and The Galactic Guide). The worst remains unknown, but 670 monkeys died during experimentation.

5. Before adjourning for lunch a working model of the equation was developed and is published here for the first time: M = (rndup (MPB))B, where M = Number of Monkeys, MPB = Monkeys Per Barrel, and B = the number of Barrels. A second equation, detailing the Giggle Value of a barrel of monkeys: G = ((M/MPB)F)MAA or G = BF*MAA, where F is the giggle Factor as outlined in point 3. The equations are rough, and the nonlinear portions of the CI (Crowding Index) are still under consideration and thusly not taken into account.

6. Lunch led to cocktails, dinner led to after-dinner drinks which led to a brawl, a three alarm fire and put 33 conference attendees, 2 police and 6.7 monkeys in the hospital.

7. All of this was irrelevant since the world was soon to be destroyed and not a single monkey or barrel would survive.

Subtitle: 
More Fun Than A Barrel Full Of Monkeys
Factuality: 
UnReal
PGG Author: 
Roger Hanna
PGG Number: 
6U11
PGG Index: 
Barrel Of Monkeys
PGG Date: 
1996/06/07
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