Alien Invasions, How To Fake (Real)

A Few Tips To Create Fear And Panic

Author: Aaron Rice
Date: 1997/02/27
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Imagine looking up into the sky to witness the lightning effects, as hundreds of huge alien battleships blast their way towards you. This is a traditional image painted by those that usually express alien invasions, mostly in the form of films and television programmes.

There are also more subtle forms, where mysterious apparently humanoid figures behave unusually, and eventually reveal themselves, whether intentionally or by way of dying in a pool of green slime [1]. These invasions are usually very carefully planned, and involve the infiltration of government [2].

Happily, it appears that all of these are all in the mind of writers and paranoid people, and that we are safe, at least for the moment, from anything of this sort. In case I am wrong, I state here that ignorance is a legitimate defence.

Unfortunately, a safe universe is a boring universe. Sometimes it is necessary to make life more interesting, and therefore you might consider the possibility of faking an alien invasion. Here are a few hints that might help you...

Spacecraft

Obviously, unless you already have an alien spacecraft in your possession [3], this can be difficult. It is not, however, impossible. Anything unusual and unrecognisable can be thought to be alien, if you present it correctly. Lighting, positioning, and timing are very important. There is no point in welding together two back halves of a pair of 2CVs and flying them across Trafalgar Square, if you do it in the middle of the night [4].

Infiltration

There are always creepy people about. It may be a good idea to latch onto one of these and exploit their appearance and behaviour [5]. To this end, write to newspapers, send mysterious letters, plant evidence (see below), and spread rumours.

Evidence

Evidence can be difficult. Usually, you need to make something unusual, and hide it somewhere it can be easily found. People will usually be suspicious, and the sceptics will jump to the natural, logical, and indeed actual, conclusion that it is a fake, but as long as there is some degree of doubt, you are making some progress.

Desperation

Of course, you might find that your efforts are making little progress, and you will resort to panic. Perhaps this will manifest itself in a desire to jump up and down in cafes, exclaiming that the world is under attack. This can lead to your imprisonment, or at least your incarceration in some form of medical institution. However, this does have its positive side, as these places already contain a number of people who might be all to happy to help [6].

[1]	It could be said that dying in a pool of green slime could be intentional.
[2]	This is pretty logical. So far, I haven't seen the alien infiltration of a major fast food outlet by a rather short-sighted alien. "Surrender your planet, and do you want fries with that?" just doesn't have the right ring to it.
[3]	In which case, you may fake an invasion by manipulating rumour. It's very simple; newspapers do that sort of thing all the time.
[4]	Unless, of course, you decide to coincide your experiment with the traditional New Year festivities.
[5]	Actually, it is possible that they may already be part of a real alien invasion.
[6]	Among these, you may find a combination of those who believe that aliens are invading, and those that know for a fact that aliens have invaded, because either they have witnessed their arrival, or they are the aliens in question [7].
[7]	There has yet to be a survey to ascertain the exact number of incarcerated extra-terrestrials [8]. It's not usually as easy as asking them outright, as they tend not to be so forthcoming on these issues. Green skin, now that's another thing, but not necessarily the giveaway you might think.
[8]	A degree of sympathy might be spared for the innocent, but daringly hypothetical, alien who landed merely to ask for directions, and was locked up for speaking in a series of high-pitched whistles and bouts of expletive verse, while displaying a total lack of understanding for the rights of others, and a complete ignorance of the colour red [9].
[9]	It takes all sorts.

See also

• Alien Identification
• Alien Elimination
• Exterminating Human-Kind
• Faking UFOs
• Incident At Roswell, The
• Moon Hoax, The
• Boredom