Moping (Real)

Seven Fun Ways To Loose Friends At Parties

Author: Alex Chamberlain
Date: 1998/05/03
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Humans are stupid. Very very stupid. With this in mind, it is often easy to understand their motivations for the various actions that they perform throughout the day. And key among these is: moping.

Moping is an all-purpose human defense mechanism intended for use whenever circumstances are bad. Humans, however, picked up on this between the invention of fire and the interoceter [1]. The temptation for some humans to use it excessively must be a terrible burden to carry, as so many of them do it. One is reminded of the group back in their high school days that stood around in the hallways all day (they were too depressed to go to class), hugging one another for support through the terrible crisis that their life has become since their significant other left them for their 13 year old elder sibling. These are the people whose lives have become suitable for daytime television (another immensely boring institution that is favored highly on Earth for lack of anything to replace it). They are the same people who know their way around the school very well from six or seven years of experience.

The logic that seems to appeal to them is this: "If I act terribly depressed, then (insert human name) will come and comfort me, which makes me feel as though I have done something worth a hug, and makes the voices in my head stop. Better yet, if I come up with a reason to be depressed, then maybe a whole group of people will come and tell me what a good person I am, and tell me all the reasons that I have to be happy."

A few hints for recognition of these people:

1. They aren't funny, but think that they're quite hilarious and will tell you the same crazy situation that they got themselves into hundreds of times.
2. They are cheap. They will try to cuddle with anyone, anytime, for no better reason than the fact that there is no one else around!! Beware!!!
3. They never follow through on projects. They are much too busy figuring out how busy they are and how many hours of sleep they missed to do anything important.
4. They will always tell you how much more tired they are than you, and how much their life sucks rocks through its teeth (they will quote statistics).
5. They will always find ways to "accidentally" tell you the "cool" things that they do, or the "positions of authority" that they are in e.g. "Yeah, that happened to me when I was a kid too!" (Then they try to act lost in thought...) "Let's see... that was... only seven years before I became president of Alcoholics Anonymous."
6. They will always come to your parties so they can mope in public (It doesn't do any good when they're alone.)
7. They are no fun at parties.

Really just about the only thing that moping is good for is maintaining a low profile at parties, or getting free food from old women. The latter use (often employed by starving and towel-less hitchhikers) being the more pleasurable of the two. If you find yourself in a situation in which moping is appropriate, mope with caution! One does not want to make it a habit.

[1]	Interoceter: machine featured in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie.

See also

• High School