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Meetings, How To Remain Awake During (SemiReal)

Alternatives To Gnawing Off Your Own Legs

    The majority of many people's working time is spent in meetings. These are usually held to allow a group to decide the policy of an organisation, the best way of launching a product, or in some special cases where they should go for lunch. These meetings are usually dull and protracted with every important point being covered many times, and any unimportant business surfacing more often than not.

    Meetings usually last until the bladder of one of the participants fails. This can take some time, especially if coffee is not provided for this purpose. Because of the length of meetings, the hitchhiker caught in one will wish to find a way of amusing themselves whilst paying scant attention to what happens around him. On some occasions, everyone in a meeting might adopt this policy, causing it to last even longer than necessary. If this occurs, the meeting might remain in a state of ignorant bliss for days, or even months, as each participant pays no attention whatsoever to the activities of those around him. Many organisations now provide people to walk accidently into meetings every three hours to prevent this decay of the human condition.

    During any period of half sleep such as this, it is common for people to drift between a dream state and reality. Often the two become indistinguishable and you might find yourself leaving a meeting believing that all present had resolved to rename the company as the `Great Happy Bubble Joy Corporation' and serve blancmange during tea breaks instead of biscuits. It is often suggested by historians that the preamble to the American constitution originally began "We the Fairy Pixies, ..." after Benjamin Franklin dozed off during the closing portion of discussion. The world has George Washington's quick thinking and hasty rewrite to thank for the correction of this error.

    There are many ways of staving off the boredom associated with a long meeting. Some of these are as follows:

    • Drawing cartoons on a note pad;
    • Playing tic tac toe with a neighbour;
    • Tapping out a rhythm with your foot;
    • Philosophising on the true nature of cheese;
    • Trying to catch the attention of the attractive typing clerk from accounts;
    • Remembering if the gas was still on at home;
    • Planning a meteoric rise to fame as an untalented talk-show host;
    • Staring blankly out of a window;
    • Staring blankly at a wall;
    • Composing short poems on the cost of bread;

    If these simple and private methods of self stimulation fail to keep the dulled mind amused, it may become necessary to adopt more aggressive tactics and try to end the meeting altogether. This is best achieved by feigning illness, or even death; the best results can be obtained by appearing to have a highly virulent tropical disease. If this fails to end the meeting it may be possible to use a mobile telephone to tell building security of a bomb threat. Ventriloquism can also be used to good effect, for instance by making a co-worker seem to shout "I have seen the light" or "We're doomed, run for the hills".

    In the worst meetings it might be necessary to use the ultimate form of escape, but that would involve the invention of teleportation and a not insignificant amount of blue Brie, so that is not currently available.

    The important thing to remember during all meetings is that they will finish at some point, and that the day after you will most likely be stuck in a different room with another group of zombified employees who have the intention to overturn whatever decision was made the previous day. It is thus that all progress is made. [1]

    [1]Editor 6: It is very difficult for people who have never worked for a living to understand how all-pervasive meetings are in the workplace. They are diabolical.

    If you want a good meeting then organise for the morning rather than the afternoon. Never organise meetings for earlier than the normal "clocking on" time, such as 9am. Always ask yourself whether the meeting is absolutely necessary.

    If you are invited to a meeting, then always demand to be told why you are expected to attend, what you are supposed to contribute to the meeting, and what the meeting is supposed to achieve. If you don't get a satisfactory answer then just don't go.

 
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