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Lunch (UnReal)To Go Or Not To Go?
Date: 1998/11/13 Agree? Disagree? : Have Your Say Buy Books About This Topic At: Amazon UK Amazon US Send This Article To A Friend: Email It Use Telepathy
When deciding on whether to have lunch several factors have to be taken into consideration. These are listed below: Let's cover these questions in more detail: 1. Why Do We Have Lunch?Because we are hungry! We also can have lunch to do things that we do not like to do, such as to have businesses meetings, or, more likely, to avoid them. Yes, it is actually more likely that you have lunch to avoid work -- PGG editors and field researchers especially have a talent for this evasive manoeuvre. Using this excuse for not doing things can get you into problems though. Especially with humans, as they tend to prefer to have lunch at around noon... Here follows an example what kind of discussion you can then get sucked into: 2. When Do We Have Lunch?In general, whenever you want, but mostly, as mentioned in the previous paragraph, when you are hungry and/or need some time off. Lunch is the most universal meal of the day, and should be considered as such. Some people like to pin it down on a specific hour between breakfast and dinner, but these people miss the joy that comes with the freedom of being able to enjoy lunch at any time of the day, say between lunch and... erm... lunch. 3. Who Do We Have Lunch With?The answer to, "who is paying?", answers the previous question. 4. What Do We Have For Lunch?This depends on what time of day it is, who you're eating with, and where you are. It can be a very sensitive subject. For example, it would not be advisable to ask for a 3 course meal in the Dromedan Asquiff Bar. In the Asquiff language, "Can I have a 3 course meal?" means "Can I have a free upgrade?" When followed by, "And I'll have a gin & tonic with that", which means, "Double click on the `Start' icon" the Asquiff will have definite proof that you are not making sense. And that's bad, because in Asquiff anyone who is thought to be insane or mentally unstable is immediately locked up in a white padded cell for at least twelve years, and force fed on the universal insanity cure, Bovril and cheese sandwiches. Good if you like Bovril and cheese, and if you really have a mental illness, but if you prefer Marmite, this may become a problem. Most hitchhikers prefer to have some `normal' hiking food for lunch, i.e. junk food, beer, milkshakes, or something along those lines. Hitchhikers just don't have time to wait for e.g. a stable-being to catch, pluck, and roast a chicken (or any other animal that tastes like one). 5. Where Do We Have Lunch?Here follows a hoopy list of places all around the universe to eat lunch at: Birozoid: Club For Demented Biro LoversAre you the owner of an extremely profitable second hand Biro business? Yes? Then this is the place for you. Location: Salunox Ganun How to get there: This is very difficult. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is just down the road, and 10 is a location deep inside a black hole, the route rates 10. Unless you are in a black hole, then it rates 1. But first make sure you are in fact in a black hole, and it isn't just a piece of grit on the scanner-scope. For more information on this delightful eating establishment and its surrounding area, read the article on Black Holes, which will go some way into explaining how and why lost biros end up in black holes. Birozoid clubs are found in every black hole, and have come into existence as a side effect of the exploitation of the black holes' characteristic of collecting lost biros. This is, namely, how extremely profitable second-hand biro businesses are founded. The clubs are also wonderful places to relax, if you happen to already be a second-hand biro entrepreneur. Because no-one has a hope in hell of getting there, you can relax with other very successfull second-hand biro entrepeneurs, and have some time off. Relax and take it easy while enjoying a nice ultra-cool drink and look at the events of the universe as they rush by outside. Fook`n'Dance barThe food in this pub probably has the worst reputation in the whole of the known universe. This is because whatever you order, you get something suspiciously similar to a cheese and Bovril sandwich. Which has been in the back pocket of a whole team of construction workers. For a year. Also, beware the evil jukebox that is found in the right hand corner of this `classic' establishment, as the music it plays, whichever CD you happen to have selected, is cheesy. Location: Sernesa Squarnof How to get there: Taxi drivers are on a contract to drop you off at this place whenever you ask them to "just go someplace". So take a cab and just go some place. The KarnosA place to play some wonderful games. For instance: Guessing the unknown ingredient in the Srangretian lager. Although I wouldn't suggest you order this, as it looks worse than it tastes and smells worse that it looks. Looking into the large reinforced titanium (as the acidic content in this lager is unusually high, which possibly accounts somewhat for its taste) drinking glass in which it is served, you may see the future. I myself, on looking into the glass did see my reflection looking somewhat greener than I usually like it to be, and somewhat more tired and hung-over than I was when I entered the bar. Drinking a whole glass is considered to be a very good party trick, though, and can be used to your advantage during bets etc.. Order the lamb curry, and you'll find it to have a pleasant curried lamb flavour. The lamb curry looks precisely like a lamb curry, which is rather unusual, firstly as it is the only place in the Universe where lamb curry actually looks like lamb curry. Secondly this is unusual seeing as it is actually made of a mixture of whale kidney, banana, dog hair and pig eyeballs. Amazingly enough, this is quite nice, as long as you happen to like curried lamb flavour, and happen to be blind. (Have you actually ever seen a lamb curry which looks like real lamb curry?) Location: Arht How to get there: it is really easy to get there, but it took me two weeks to discover that. I took a wrong turn at Orion and turned up on Stinky Stinkoid, so I'll be damned if I tell you! Cames SmegoleWere you thinking of going here? Don't! Don't even think about it! This is an actual hell hole. The bar area is just a desolate well. OK, not exactly desolate, but pretty dark, dank and dirty anyway. In case you are thinking "Hmmm, sounds good, a bit like the back of my kitchen cupboard, where I keep my supply of twelve year old cheese and Bovril sandwiches" then you're probably a blubber-slug from Ahrt, and yes, it is probably a bit like the back of your cupboard. But only if your sandwiches are the size of a large country mansion, stinking of rotten egg and Hunfg Warf Sarq. In case you didn't know, Hunfg Warf Sarq is the same texture as sponge cake, it has the same colour as pink mould, and it has the same pungent smell of an extremely old pig that hasn't washed for at least twenty five decades. Back to my point: don't go there! Several cultures have been whiped out by bacteria originating in this bar. Location: Hunfg Warf How to get there: do you still want to know? You're sick! The Canteen"Da da da dumm..." This lunch location is the temporary resting place for all PGG editors and other miscellaneous persons who have something to do with PGG. The beings that you are likely to encounter there will talk to you for hours about various PGG policies, life, the universe in general, how good the food is, and how many other strange people you can meet around and about the place. The food here can be looked at in many different ways. The first way you can look at it is from a distance of twenty-thousand kilometres. But it's not so bad, really. Another way to look at it is that it's better than nothing, and occasionally tastes better than water (which is said to taste of nothing, but I find it tastes of water.) The third way you can look at it is that it is better than making something yourself. The fourth way you can look at it is that they serve the best Bovril and Cheese sandwiches in the universe, hence the large PGG Population. The fifth way you can look at it is that you don't have to order food with a larger nutritional value than a glass of water (you can order junk instead). The sixth way you can look at it is that you will have to be eating around PGG editors. Need I say more? Location: In the PGG HQ. Usually this is found on an exotic beach somewhere, but as the top guys prefer a change of scenery every now and then, its exact location is hard to find. How to get there: ask your editor. Taco MooseRead field researcher Daniel J. Geduld's article. Location: practically everywhere. How to get there: well, try next door for a start. All this rushing around the Universe researching all of these places to eat has made me hungry, so if you don't mind I'll just pop off to get myself some lunch. |
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