Zarn Measurement System, The (UnReal)

On The Origin Of The Zarn

Author: Kevin McCluney
Date: 1999/05/19
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Now will be made public my new discovery/invention for everyone to use with pride and spiffy fuzzy things, like hamsters. Well, not like hamsters. But it still works. Anyway, I present to you... the Zarn.

My inspiration came sometime in chemistry class last semester, trying to convert unit to unit to unit, and back again. I just thought, "Damn this cursed English system! It makes no sense! Metric isn't much better. It's all arbitrary anyway! What does any of this matter?" Then, it hit me. What if there was one unit that could be used for everything, since everything is fundamentally the same stuff anyway? Thus the Zarn was born.

It works. Really. And it's so beautifully simple. Here's why: the Zarn measures everything about every and any object. Everything, all at once. Or, if the situation calls for it, it can measure only one trait. Or 2. Or 3. Or 0. Or 42. It doesn't matter to the Zarn.

Also, (here's the key) remember that our number system is totally arbitrary as well. The only reason we use base 10 is because we have 10 fingers. If we had been given 2.4 fingers, we'd be using 2.4 as a base. Anyway...

Seeing as all numbers are arbitrary, and all units of measurement are correspondingly arbitrary, it doesn't matter what you use for anything. So just say that the armadillo is 42 Zarns. 'Nuff said. Now you know everything (or nothing, accordingly) about the armadillo's mass, volume, speed, color, and what kind of music it listens to. Or, if someone asks you how fast you car can go, say 13 Zarns. That's it.

Here's the formula: The (object/event, whatever) (is/has/weighs/reflects/ steps on, etc.) (any number in any form) Zarns. Simple.

To help familiarize yourself with the Zarn, I have written a small little test to see if you get it. Here it is.

1. You're watching TV. What time is Zorg's Animals on? Answer: 13 Zarns
2. How much do you weigh?
   Answer: -1979.42 Zarns
3. How cool are the Smashing Pumpkins?
   Answer: Zero Zarns. (Reply: Wow! That's really cool.)
4. Huh? What?
   Answer: 28 Zarns.
5. An elephant eats 8 Zarns worth of apple and 34 Zarns worth of fish. How many Zarns is that in total?
   Answer: 12 Zarns.
6. A college student is driving his gray and blue truck home from Orlando to Cocoa, total distance: 8 Zarns. His speed is 79 Zarns. He is 3 Zarns behind a van. If an armadillo jumps in front of his truck, how many Zarns will he have to turn the steering wheel to miss the armadillo by 13,197,942 Zarns? Answer: He doesn't even need to turn the wheel, the armadillo gets out of the way at a speed of 45 Zarns.

So, there you have it. The Zarn. It is very usefully when you don't know an answer to a question someone asks you. I'm not saying that you give them the wrong answer, no! See, using Zarns, you can figure the answer out. Any Zarnian number can be used to figure another one out. If you don't know one, simply assign any number (x) to trait (or traits) (y). See? Easy enough, even for me.

I'm still working on getting this measuring system approved and in wide use. I tried it on my last test and it didn't work. For some reason, my professor just seemed to get angry with me when I explained the Zarn to him. It turns out he hadn't even heard of it! Clearly, I am ahead of him, using this cutting-edge system of math that he hasn't even heard of yet!

So, I give to you all the Zarn. Please remember just a couple of things in the future. I don't mind if I don't get credit for inventing/discovering the Zarn. Just be absolutely sure you don't give credit to someone other than me.

See also

• Weird Units Of Measure