Mopeds (Real)

The Most Stinking, Polluting And Noisy Means Of Transportation

Author: Tony Blews
Date: 1997/11/14
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The moped is a two wheeled, motorized conveyance, popular on Earth with old ladies, young lads, and those with no sense of style. Legally, in the United Kingdom at least, a moped is defined as a motorcycle with an engine not larger than 50cc, a top speed not exceeding 50km/h, and if first used prior to 1975, equipped with pedals.

In reality, there are two distinct kinds of moped. The granny step-thru (or placky), and the teen cock-rocket. The difference is merely cosmetic, and used by manufacturers to convince impressionable teenagers that, for example, an AR50 with its conventional motorcycle styling is a better buy than a clapped out old C50 shopper.

The granny step-thru type can be identified by their distinct shape. Imagine a classic ladies' shopping bike. Now add an engine roughly the size of a hair dryer, and optional plastic leg shields and shopping basket [1]. Most of this style of moped are fitted with automatic gearboxes and centrifugal clutches, making them the easiest vehicles in the world to operate, providing you can ride a pedal cycle [2], of course. They may look stupid, but they were good enough for Alexei Sayle [3].

The other type, popular with teenagers and people who don't want the hassle of taking a motorcycle test [4], look like very small motorbikes, but can easily be identified by the lack of any discernable engine. Aprillia, an Italian manufacturer, have recently made a series of 50cc bikes with full race fairings [5], which will do 90mph. I don't know why they bothered.

The noise that a moped makes can be best described as the sound produced by three hundred angry wasps in a biscuit tin, fed through a loud-hailer or bullhorn. The reason for this cacophony, and the reason for the clouds of blue smoke produced from mopeds, lies in the engine.

Moped engines are usually two-stroke contraptions, as opposed to the more popular four-stroke [6] motors found in cars and larger bikes. The funny coloured smoke and burnt oil smell, which would cause concern coming from a larger vehicle, is normal behaviour for a engine which needs oil premixed into the petrol. Due to this mixture, it is occasionally possible to ignite the exhaust gasses produced [7]. From time to time the silencer becomes clogged, and a clearing of the baffles is required [8].

Despite their many failings, both stylistic and mechanical, the sport of Moped Racing continues to grow. These races take place over six hours, the objective being to see how many laps you can complete before your engine has a meltdown. More information on the subject of moped racing can be obtained from http://www.presley.demon.co.uk/.

[1]	For some unknown reason many of the major motorcycle manufacturers follow this style, and in some cases fit their products with engines up to a massive 120cc in size. These may still be considered as mopeds, but not in the legal sense.
[2]	These are often called "push-bikes" in the UK, for reasons unknown. Surely if you are pushing one then you've either got the wrong idea, or got a flat tyre.
[3]	A rotund, shaven headed, Liverpudlian, Marxist comedian. Alexei Sayle is probably best known for his appearances on the BBC TV show The Young Ones, as the Bolofski Family. He has also presented several of his own series, including Alexei Sayle's Stuff, in which he spent a considerable amount of time riding around on a Honda C90.
[4]	Until recently, in the UK at least, once you had passed your car driving test it was legal to ride a moped. The real motorcycle test is a complicated three-part affair.
[5]	That big plastic bit that keeps the flies/wind out of your face.
[6]	Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow.
[7]	Not recommended. Seriously. Don't even consider it. My fence has never been the same.
[8]	This involves removing it and scraping the gunk out. It does not involve sudden changes of direction to make sure you are not being tailed by enemy submarines. Mopeds do not function correctly underwater. This is, presumably, a fact which remains unknown to many people, hence the large numbers of mopeds which are to be found at the bottom of rivers, canals, lakes etc.

See also

• Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker