Happy Hour, How To Fit In (SemiReal)

Tips For Fitting Into The Happy Hour Crowd At A Typical American Bar

Author: Mike Rohde
Date: 1996/07/30
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After an unfortunate accident involving my new spaceship (a sleek-looking Mach II Hypership), four Malaroonian prostitutes, and a travel-sized tube of toothpaste, I was forced to spend several years trying to fit into the odd culture of the planet Earth. To be even more specific, I have lived the past two years in Newport News, Virginia, performing an act commonly known as bar-hopping. Bar-hopping is just as its name implies, moving from one Earth bar to another. These strange Earth bars, also known by the locals as pubs, taverns, saloons, nightclubs, and many more unusual names [1], have many customs that differ from the most popular interstellar drinking holes of their neighboring galaxies.

Listed below are several explanations my research has come up with that will not only prepare you for the happy hour's many bizarre customs, but will help you to easily fit in with an elite human drinking club known as "The Regulars".

First off, I will try to explain happy hour as best as I have been able to understand it. Happy hour is not really happy and it is not really an hour. "What?" you say! But it is true! Happy hour usually lasts from around four o'clock until seven o'clock in local evening U.S. Earth times. Between these times, the alcoholic beverages served (very weak ones) can be purchased for less green paper than is required during un-happy hours, a simple fact that does seem to bring out a certain degree of happiness from the primitive Earthlings.

Next, it is best that I explain the Regulars. They are usually a group of constantly complaining drunken people, but they seem to receive better treatment from the Bartender [2]. Being an alien, especially one that is not humanoid in appearance, it is a good idea to learn to fit in with the Regulars, before attempting to receive any actual service from the Bartender.

A few easy tips to try while attempting to fit in with the Regulars:

1. Any sexual harassment of the female species present within the bar seems to be highly regarded.
2. Buy a round of drinks.
3. Share stories of made-up sexual encounters about any female species present within the bar.
4. Buy another round of drinks.
5. Repeat steps 1 through 5.

Other Strange Rituals Of Note

During the happy hour, Earthlings may appear from a secret back room bearing free food. This may be an attempt to appease the mean spirited human known as the Bartender, who is obviously in charge of the Regulars. The food is usually cold and tasteless, but as the Regulars can be heard to say, "it's free".

When a Regular is "Cut Off" [3] by the Bartender, a good show will usually follow. As far as I can determine the term "Cut Off" may mean one of two things;

1. The human has consumed enough alcohol as to become socially undesirable; or
2. The human has run out of his allotted supply of green paper.

Whichever the case may be, the "Cut Off" human will soon be escorted out of the drinking establishment. The amount of resistance the human puts up during this time period, usually determines the event's possible entertainment value. It may take up to a dozen human escorts to remove the single "Cut Off" human. This is a very rare occurrence, but one that should be seen first hand to be appreciated.

If you stay long past happy hour you may hear the ritual known as Last Call [4]. This seems to involve the turning on bright lights, a lot of angry humans yelling, and then someone ripping your newly ordered drink from your hand. You will then be told to leave. A commonly heard human phrase at this time is: "Tomorrow's another day."

Well, this is all the information I have managed to gather on this subject. I hope this my be of some help to fellow hitchhikers. I do plan on returning to Earth soon. Happy hour is something I feel needs a great deal more research to fully understand and take part in.

[1]	Why Earthlings can't decide on a single name for these places further points out the unnecessary complexities created by such a simple minded life form.
[2]	The Bartender is an important human who distributes alcoholic beverages in exchange for the pieces of green paper. A very important human, and possibly a form of Earth Royalty.
[3]	The term "Cut Off" seems to apply mainly to American bars and should not be confused with the use of telephones, light switches, or even as a tragically bad name for a rock and roll band. I have witnessed many a well traveled hitchhiker lose their towel from a misunderstanding created by the slippery English language. Simply put, in America, if you are told you have been cut off, it is best to leave that place immediately. Do not even look back.
[4]	Also known as "Last Orders".

See also

• The Unfortunate Life Of David Kilbourne
• Malaroon Star System