* * Archive: REAL02.NEW * * Created on: Tue Aug 3 15:24:41 1999 * * Number of articles: 25 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to find * an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * 2R10-1 Classification Of Religions * 2R11-1 Flying * 2R12-1 Solutions To Drinking Problems * 2R13-1 Clegg, Paul Jason * 2R14-1 Country Music * 2R15-1 Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth * 2R16-1 Telephone Bills * 2R17-1 Watermelon Rituals * 2R18-1 Windows * 2R19-1 IRC, Internet Relay Chat * 2R20-1 Des Moines, Iowa, USA, Earth * 2R21-1 Gravity * 2R22-1 McGill University, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, Earth * 2R23-1 Program Structure Wars * 2R24-1 Sleep * 2R25-1 University Of Western Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, Earth * 2R26-1 Defecation * 2R27-1 Computer Malfunctions * 2R28-1 Rules Of Car Chasing * 2R29-1 Tea * 2R31-1 Rationalization * 2R32-1 Top Ten Traveling Songs * 2R33-1 Watford, London, England, UK, Earth * 2R34-1 Mars, Composition Of * 2R35-1 Mars, Possibility Of Life On * %t Classification Of Religions %n 2R10 %s Classification Method For Religions %a Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub (kv07@iastate.edu) %d 19920609 %i Religions, Classification Of %e Years ago scholars attempted to collect information on all the religions in the known galaxy. While the attempt itself proved useless, it did provide a system of classification for religions. To get a quick understanding of any given religion it is helpful to learn this simple classification method. Each religion identifier consists of a string of numbers, letters, and hyphens for quickly locating certain attributes. I highly recommend all those writing articles about any religion to use this classification scheme so that the average person can find quickly exactly what the religion entails without the difficulty of reading the entire text. The scheme also offers itself to a good ordering for the text of any religion. The first digit of the classification number represents the number of deities the religion has, followed by a letter indicating the type. Omit the letter if the first digit is 0. A) All powerful, all knowing benevolent B) All powerful, but one can usually pull pranks due to lack of all knowingness. C) All knowing, but who the hell really cares due to lack of all powerfulness. D) Neither all knowing nor all powerful, but just kind of there. E-H) Same as above, but malevolent I) Whoever happens to be leader of the people at the time J) Everything and everybody is part of the god K) Everything and everybody, except for people members of the religion don't like, is part of god L) God is a head of lettuce named Ralph The next digit represents what is expected after death by the following chart: 0) Everybody goes to a nice place 1) Members of the religion go to a nice place, everybody else goes to an unpleasant place 2) Members of the religion go to an unpleasant place, everybody else goes to a nice place 3) Everybody goes to an unpleasant place 4) Nobody goes anywhere 5) Really bad people are forced to work in all night convenience stores in New Jersey 6) Everybody is reincarnated 7) Only people who deserve punishment are reincarnated The letter immediately following that represents the organization of the religion. A representing very organized, Z representing chaos. Follow this by a hyphen to make it easier to find the next section. The next number represents the percentage of members that are named "Bubba." Do this on a scale from 0 to 9, with 0 meaning that nobody is named Bubba and 9 meaning that everyone is named Bubba. Southern Baptists are rated a 5 and the First Congregational Church of Bubba is a 9. The next letter indicates how policy is decided, if no letter is listed then there is no policy. A) Handed down from a single source B) Voted upon by a collection of elders C) Voted upon by everybody D) Chosen by a random number generator E) Determined by careful computer analysis F) Determined by combatants representing each view playing Super Mario Brothers Z) Nobody has ever tried to change the policy, so nobody knows just yet Then follows a digit representing the number of ways one can spell the name of the religion. The next letter represents the place where the religion holds its meetings: A) No meetings B) A building set aside for the purpose C) A building which is also the gym for the local high school D) Outside E) In an airport or bus terminal F) In a submarine G) In a graveyard or mausoleum F) In a bathtub or jacuzzi If ever the standards to any of these above constraints are unknown, the use of a question mark is preferred. Examples: Atheism: 04Z-11A Buddhism: 1J7M-2Z2B Calvinism: 1A1B-0B1B Catholicism: 1A1A-1A1B Hare Krishna: 1J7C-3A4E Episcopalianism: 1??M-0B1B %e *EOA* %t Flying %n 2R11 %s The Concept Of Staying Aloft %a Paul Jason Clegg (cleggp@megadodo.com) %d 19920904 %i Flight %i Hover %i Hovering %e "Flying" is the term given to any object that just happens to be changing it coordinate location without treading on a solid surface, or liquid medium, but most definitely within the boundaries of an atmosphere. Some may also say that extra-atmospheric travel is also a form of flight, which it is, but most don't call it such, partially because the physical principles are usually different, but mostly because they don't do it often enough to warrant much discussion on the topic. An object that is moving very, very fast, no matter what the medium of travel is, is often considered "flying," though this is only a slang implementation of the terminology. Usually flight is achieved through one of two ways. The first is that a fixed wing design is implemented, such that great horizontal thrust applied to the object creates what is known as "lift," and (usually) maintains the vehicle's altitude. The second is similar, except that instead of the wing design remaining fixed, the wings actually rotate themselves, creating a purely vertical lift. Vehicles of the latter type are usually called "helicopters," and the former, "airplanes." Conceptually, it has been thought that flight may be achieved by falling, and missing the ground. The chance, however, of falling down and missing the solid surface below you, is so nil as to make no odds, and this idea has never been proven to any degree to even be believable. %e *EOA* %t Solutions To Drinking Problems %s Common Solutions To Bar Problems %n 2R12 %a Hanno Liem (liem@rulwinwst.LeidenUniv.nl) %d 19921002 %i Drinking Problems, Solutions To %x Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version %e Any hitch-hiker who visits bars a lot can tell you that, in whatever galaxy the bar is located, the problems one encounters when visiting one (or more precisely, after one has visited one for quite some time) are roughly the same all over the universe. This article is meant to give some common solutions to these problems, which can be quite useful for the unexperienced hitch-hiker... PROBLEM CAUSE SOLUTION ------- ----- -------- You have little fun You have failed or for- Take new glass drinking and your gotten to open your mouth, and practice in front feels damp. or have put your glass front of mirror to a wrong opening in your until your drin- head. king technique is perfected. Beer does not taste Glass is empty. Find a person as usual, but instead willing to buy is pale and bright. one or more drinks. Feet are becoming Glass is held upside-down. Turn glass either cold and wet. clockwise or counterclockwise, until open side is facing up. Feet are becoming Inaccurate/inappropriate Complain with warm and wet. bladder control. the owner of the nearest dog to save face. Head is becoming Karim van Veen from Find other partner cold and wet. Zoeterwoude, Holland is for conversation. "talking" to you. Bar is passing by. Not true. Someone is Are you being carrying you somewhere. carried to the next bar? No? Protest clearly. Opposite wall looks You have fallen backward. Have yourself tied the same as the to the bar. ceiling. All is dark and You have fallen forward. See previous answer. your mouth is full of glass and ash and cigarettes. You can't see right, EMERGENCY! You are looking Have glass refilled everything is blurry. through an empty glass. as soon as possible. Beer tastes strange You have mistaken ashtray Give up smoking. and contains solid for glass. objects. You are staring at You are sitting on the floor. Find empty stool something dark and or pick up own you have lost your stool. glass. %e *EOA* %t Clegg, Paul Jason %n 2R13 %s Just A Frood Who Knows Where His Towel Is %a Paul Jason Clegg (cleggp@megadodo.com) %d 19930105 %x Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors %x Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute %i Paul Jason Clegg %e Paul Jason Clegg was born sometime in the afternoon of July 28th, 1973, Earth time. He was born in an entirely uninteresting city known as Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth. But that's in the past, and, unfortunately, cannot be changed. Paul, however, does hold the distinction of being Editor number 1 for Project Galactic Guide, and holds the non-corporeal position of general coordinator for the same project. This is probably the only thing special about Paul; he currently stands at a tall, but not entirely unnatural height of 6.25 feet, and weighs a completely unimportant 155 pounds, depending on the time of day and day of year. His education has amounted to, at this point, three semesters of study at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, majoring in Computer Science, and maintaining a semi-respectable grade point average. His past achievements include, but are not limited to, attending the New Jersey's Governor's School program (math and science division) in the summer of 1990, and in being the youngest person to ever pass any and several college courses at Cumberland County College. The latter achievements included passing a course in BASIC programming at the age of ten, a course in electronics at age eleven, and a course in "College Math" at age twelve. He also passed a course in Pascal programming at age 16, but that isn't nearly as impressive. Paul's interests vary; he particularly likes science fiction books, TV shows, and movies, he listens to almost all kinds of music, though he tends to shun country western, rap, dance/club music, and the "big band" sounds of old. His favorite musical group, by far, is Queen. Paul's hobbies include computer programming, role-playing games, painting miniatures, playing wargames, and working on Project Galactic Guide, the latter of which he's put entirely too much effort into already. You can contact Paul currently via electronic mail, addressing your message to "cleggp@aix.rpi.edu" (sans quotes). %e *EOA* %t Country Music %n 2R14 %s Mostly Uninteresting %a Paul Jason Clegg (cleggp@megadodo.com) %d 19930106 %x Radio %i Western Music %e Country music (sometimes called "Country Western," though that's basically redundant but those who listen to it usually don't care about redundancy, or care about it, either) is hard to characterize. Unless you like it, you hate it intensely. If you like it, you probably hate everything else intensely. While several country music groups have tried to slide their style into a more acceptable niche, they've only met with limited success. If you see people playing music, you can probably calculate that they are playing country music if you sense an inordinate number of cowboy boots, cowboy hats, women with chunky thighs, sequins, tassels, and fringe. The elderly also seems to be a prevalent subsection of the audience for country music. If you take pride in your ability to be sensical, sane, and generally happy, you have been warned to stay away from country music. %e *EOA* %t Vineland, New Jersey, USA, Earth %n 2R15 %s The Nowhere In The Middle Of Everything %a Paul Jason Clegg (cleggp@megadodo.com) %d 19930106 %x Clegg, Paul Jason %x Earth %e Vineland is an entirely uninteresting town/city. While it is the largest city in New Jersey by land area, it isn't nearly as big population-wise. It's located smack in the middle of the New Jersey peninsula, in the middle of the area known by the locals as "South Jersey" (those who live in "North Jersey" are ignorant of any land south of Trenton, and therefore their concept of "South Jersey" is between the horizontal line starting at Camden and the north to Trenton). The inhabitants of Vineland range from the poor to the rich, with members of almost every possible culture. A few years ago, the local high school had calculated that one-half of the students who attended were of a minority, the other half being caucasian. The main street through the city, Landis Avenue, has deteriorated to being a way to get from point A to point B with lots of traffic lights in between. The businesses that are situated there usually cater to the center city residents, who are usually low-income minorities. There are, however, lots of suburbs where the income is generally average to above average, and there are even more than a handful of "mansions" scattered about. There are several small motels in the area, but most of them are somewhat filled by homeless people that the city has put there "temporarily." There is a Ramada Inn just off of route 55, but this hitchhiker has never actually gone in to investigate. The Inn's outward appearance is good, however, so it is probably a good place to stay if you need to stay at all and can afford to do so. There is only one "highway" that leads out of Vineland; route 55 leads from Vineland north-northwest towards Camden and Philadelphia. Other than that, the nearest major highways are at least a half-hour drive by motorized vehicle; to the north is the Atlantic City Expressway, travelling east-west between Philadelphia and Atlantic City, to the east is the Garden State Parkway, running north-south along the coast, and to the west there are quite a few major highways, most notably the New Jersey Turnpike which runs north-south between Wilmington (Delaware) and New York City (New York). Don't hitchhike through Vineland; it's not worth it. And definitely not at night. Places of interest: I counted at least three McDonald's, two Burger Kings, one Roy Roger's, one Friendly's, one Pizza Hut, and two Domino's Pizzas. If you must stay and eat, good suggestions are Sammy J's, at the Shop-Rite plaza on the northern end of Landis Avenue, and the Neptune, on Delsea Drive. The former is a retro-style ice cream parlor type of place that also does very good, relatively quick meals. The latter is a seafood restaurant that you will want to sit down and wait for. The only other redeeming feature of Vineland is that it's about an hour from the Wilmington area of Delaware, about 2.5 hours from New York City, an hour and a half from "North Jersey," an hour from the gambling areas of Atlantic City (and, in fact, many of South Jersey's fine beaches), and an hour from Philadelphia. %e *EOA* %t Telephone Bills %n 2R16 %s Information About A Terran Communication Device Bill %a Cem Unsal (unsal@blackbox.cl.ee.vt.edu) %d 19920113 %x Earth %x Telephones %i MCI phone bill %e For those who are familiar with Terran ways (Oh God! I'm a smart ass!), phone bills are one of the most important parts of the daily, er, monthly Terran life. In a nutshell, you get the bill by mail (ie, Terran mail, which is still performed by humanoids and with the use of 5 + 4 digit zip codes, as in the primitive days of the central Galaxy), you open it up, see the payment page, cry, and send the money (probably still crying, depending on the number of digits in the "amount due" rectangle). Don't even think about throwing the first page away; you're required to "send it with your payment." And it may not be such a sad experience; you can still amuse yourself by filling the "amount paid" squares, say, by different colors. This page is also the most important and "informant" page of your bill. It has your name (or your roommate's name), your phone number with an additional 5 digits, your address (by the way, you can learn the additional 4 digits of your zip code from your phone bill... or from any other bill for that matter; remember, this is the information age around this planet), a couple of parallel lines, horizontal and vertical, which are -- I'm sure -- really important, and a fairly long number at the bottom, with 59 digits. For those who are now taken by the dark forces of curiosity, let me explain to you what all this stuff is, although I'm not sure about the exact nature of this final number myself. The first three digits don't make any sense to you (or me); the next three digits are your area code (ie, your phone's area code); then, an unnecessary zero and your phone number, followed by three familiar numbers from your account number. Then, a couple (actually, four) of nonsense digits and the last two digits of your account. Then comes three zeros and six mystery digits, a "train" of zeros with the amount due embedded in it (14436 in "this" case). Why 59 digits, you ask? It is proved in [1] that 59 digits are sufficient to represent all communication accounts in sixteen parallel universes. If you can bring yourself to see the other pages after you digest the total amount due, the next page is Page One. (Thus, we conclude payment = 0; therefore, for any real n, (n * payment) = 0, which makes sense in most cases.) Page One shows your last bill total, your previous payment, and current charges. If your last bill total -- your previous payment -- is zero, you get a "thank-you-for-your-payment" message. "Current charges" shows you local and long-distance totals (by the way, on Earth, long distance doesn't mean what it sounds, probably because no one has tried to call a number in any other galaxy) and concludes with "Subtotal" which is actually the over-all total. Then comes the second (third) page, which is some type of a manual to your phone bill. It explains (in "this" specific example your author tries to understand) those nice little "amount paid" boxes on the first, no, zero'th page. That is "important information." OK, now we're looking at Page Three. The local call charges are shown: monthly charges, services not regulated by the State Corporated Commission (which means you're paying this amount for nothing), federal subscriber line charge (which I, myself, wasn't able to understand), local 911 tax, relay center surcharge (which seems highly unnecessary) and, local and federal taxes. You may be lost at this point. They know you are, that's why they explain that you can call the number on this page and ask. "They are easiest to reach on Tues through Thurs." (What are Tues and Thurs? Write it correctly, guys, you have three more -- empty -- lines below.) Page Four comes with two unnecessary lines of "rate key" and that's it. And this the work of the people who try to save some paper by typing "Tues" instead of "Tuesday." Page Five summarizes long distance calls and includes federal tax, state and local surcharges (which, I believe, should read "sur^3charges." Aren't we surcharged somewhere on Page Three?) Pages Six through Ten list your long distance calls: time, place, number, whatever. (By the way, all these numbers can change, especially on the last part since not much of you guys call long distance more than me.) Check these pages carefully; you won't believe your eyes ("Call to NYC at 01:55am?"; "Who talked to Turkey for 42 minutes? Oh, OK, that's mine"; "Where the hell is Kensington?"; "Hey guys, this means that we used the phone non-stop for four-and-a-half hours on Nov. 18th, nice!"; "God! I can't believe I called this guy in Pittsburgh 11 times in December!"; "What is this? Got an 'F' next to it and it still costs me 3 dollars!" [Remember it's never late to switch back]) [2]. At the end of the long distance list, you get the definitions of the abbreviations which you may encounter while trying to figure out what is/was/will be what. ("Hey, this 'V' means 'free speech call.' How come we never get one of these? And, what is the exact meaning of 'free speech call' anyway? Does this mean we can say whatever we want?") And on Page Ten, a word from your long distance company... You can send your friends and family gift certificates instead of -- simply -- calling them. And, also lots of registered mark signs. Some guy came up with the phrase "calling circle" and it's a registered trademark. What can I say? Brilliant! Ah, and this number for gift certificates... 1-800-395-GIVE. Why not make it easier to remember, something like... 1-800-111-GIVE, 1-800-MCI-GIVE, or 1-800-ASS-****. ("Come on guys, you're the phone company!") "Thank you and happy holidays from MCI friends and family." Oh-oh, not that close, you're just my long distance carrier, that's all. Hey, they even provide the envelope! [1] M.S. Lauren, K.H. Zupta, "An application of large number theory and stochastic processes: Bell Atlantic Phone Bills," Trans. Comm. Syst. 40(1987)576. [2] "Life on the Communication Devices: Selected horror stories" Ed. by C. Unsal, pp.101-114, Xtrablatrum & Descendants Pub. Ltd. 1992. %e *EOA* %t Watermelon Rituals %n 2R17 %s Another Bizarre Watermelon Ritual, This Time From The Antipodes %a David McGregor Squire (dms@vis.citri.edu.au) %d 19921222 %i University Of Melbourne, Melbourne, Victoria, Australia, Earth %x Watermelons %e Here is another ritualistic use of Watermelons, also practiced on Earth, albeit "downunder." But first, some background. At Melbourne University (Melbourne, Victoria, Australia), there are several residential colleges. These colleges play sport against each other. Now, this serves several purposes. First, there are those members of the college who enjoy the playing the sport involved. For them, the sport is an end in itself. Second, there are those who wish to use the sport as a means of being noticed (by the opposite sex, the same sex, or perhaps even the Master). These sorts of things are no doubt much the same the world over. The most important reason for the playing of sport, however, is that it gives the non-participating members of the colleges involved the opportunity to dress up in their college's colors and scream abuse at each other - immense fun. This activity can be most agreeably combined with - ALCOHOL. This behavior reaches its pinnacle on Men's Rowing Day. The rowing takes place on the Yarra River in the center of Melbourne. It is compulsory (almost) for all members of the rowing colleges to lash all lectures, pracs, etc. for the day, dress up, put on face paint etc. in college colors, assemble on the banks of the river, sing songs, and get mind-buggeringly drunk. One college, of which I am a member (and have been for years), is called Queen's. Queen's is a puzzle to the other colleges, who amuse themselves by trying to get the members of other colleges wet, and attempting to drown out the other's songs, perhaps even by (shudder) throwing things at each other. A couple of years ago, Queen's decided to cut out the middle man and stuff themselves up, thus assuring themselves of the title "Messiest College on the Crescent." This is where (finally) the watermelons come in. Someone from Queen's brought a watermelon to the rowing. It was opened (presumably with a knife). So far so normal. The pieces were then distributed amongst various drunken Queener's (residents of Queen's). Now, no-one is exactly sure why what happened next happened. The pieces were head-butted. There ensued an orgastic frenzy of melon-butting, and the air was filled with a fine red mist of melon juice. Melon segments were enthusiastically smashed over peoples heads by their mates, and the red juice covered their faces and matted their hair. This single-melon incident spawned the ritual that now takes place. Trailer-loads of watermelons are procured by senior members of Queen's and delivered to the river early on Men's Rowing Day. At intervals throughout the day, the Melon-Butting Ritual takes place. Melons are broken open and the pieces solemnly distributed. Freshmen allow the senior members of College to have the biggest, juiciest pieces. The Melon-Butters (mostly male) form orderly lines, and the President of the College gives the command: "Queener's - Butt your melons." Each Melon-Butter slams his melon piece onto the top of his head in unison, and melon juice sprays magnificently over the nearest spectators. The lines then break up and people hold the remnants of their melon for others to butt. This is all done with great enthusiasm and evident enjoyment. The biggest, toughest bloke in a given year may them perform the most impressive melon-ritual -- the butting open of a whole, uncut, watermelon. He needs to have a hard head and a strong neck, and to be absolutely pissed out of his mind. The students of other colleges simply stare in disbelief. They have no comeback. How can you abuse a bunch of people who do *that* to themselves? %e *EOA* %t Windows %n 2R18 %s Sure You Can See Through Them, But So What? %a Alex Miller (amiller4@ux4.cso.uiuc.edu) %d 19930208 %e Windows are important. They fit in holes in the walls, so that there isn't a draft. They also allow us to see the outside world, where someone may be stealing your brand-new, incredibly expensive car. Why are windows made of glass? Well, basically because glass is clear and reasonably sturdy stuff. Windows are typically made clear so that you are able to see whether some guy is in fact stealing your car. Of course, you may ask, why were windows made clear before cars were invented to be stolen? Frankly, it's a mystery. Research is being conducted at several prestigious universities. Another important quality of glass is that it is much more solid than, say, water. If windows were made of water they just wouldn't work right. An unfortunate side-effect of the clearness of windows is the fact that the guy stealing your car can also see whether or not you are sitting in your office, watching him steal your car and getting a description of him. This is why many criminals carry guns. This is also why many offices are now equipped with multiple turret-mounted machine guns. But that's another story. Anyway, this side-effect can be fixed in several ways, most commonly by covering the interior of the window at times when the window is really superfluous or unwished for. Methods include drapes, shutters, and venetian blinds. (The people in Venice need blinds because they use water for their windows. This also why they have canals instead of streets. I warned you that water just doesn't work right when used as a window.) Another important method is one-sided glass. This is really neat, because you can only see through it one way. No one is sure how this works either. A popular style of window used for religious or decorative purposes is stained glass, which combines pieces of colored glass in such a way as to produce a pattern or picture. When the light shines through the glass, a pleasant (some say) image occurs. Unfortunately, stained glass can rarely be seen through. This is why people who go to church are poor -- they can't see people stealing their cars, and thus are forced ever lower on the economic scale. Windows are also significant when broken. Often children are responsible for this. Occasionally, however, some irresponsible pilot breaks a certain thing called the sound barrier, causing another thing called a sonic boom, which can shatter windows. (This is significant, but will not be discussed here.) Broken glass contains sharp edges and can be quite painful if jabbed into any part of the body. Do not try this unless you are really stupid (I still wouldn't recommend it, even if you are stupid). I find windows to be quite attractive and all together more useful than quite a few other things, like chickens. %e *EOA* %t IRC, Internet Relay Chat %n 2R19 %s Internet Relay Chat %a Steven K. H. Siew (ksiew@mundil.cs.mu.oz.au) %d 19930124 %i Computer Network Chit Chat * %k Internet %e Also known as Sim Social Life, this virtual world of mindless chit chat is currently only available to hitchhikers who manage to gain access to the Internet. Apart from being an almost complete waste of bandwidth, IRC also serves to bring people of the rich world much closer together. Users of IRC are commonly known as "lusers" (that's lusers with an U not an O) as demonstrated by the command "/lusers" *** There are 515 lusers and 195 invisible on 91 servers *** 57 lusers have connection to the twilight zone *** There are 251 channels. *** I have 30 clients and 1 servers And here female hitchhikers can enjoy "playing" with the lame IRC guys without the fear of contracting any VD or viruses except, of course, the RSI due to staring at the VDU too long or accidentally catching a network virus or, even worse, horrible worms. A good starting point for fellow hitchhikers is the channel #talk where one can pick up conversations varying from diverse topics ranging from movies to dinner talk, sex to tuition fees, name calling to fishing, exams to programming, and so on. A thing to be careful about for any hitchhikers going on the IRC is that sometimes it's difficult to tell the sex of the other lusers. Some male lusers have known to pretend to be a female for kicks. Like wise but not often, females do the same. Lusers on the IRC are identified by their "nick"; for example: Internet, Kalei, Hazel, drnobody, ramin, SIO, squell and so on. The nick is totally independent of their real name. It's like a fantasy world out there in IRC with gandalf, wintrmute, count0, aragorn, ford and of course GOD around. If you are a male, DO NOT, REPEAT, DO NOT choose a nick that sounds like a female name unless you want sex-starved maniacs to pester you about bodily pleasures of the most explicit kind. Inter: They say silly stuff like (these are DIRECT quotes) "Hey Kalei, U feelin' horny tonight?" or "Kalei. You have a beautiful name. Come join me..." ... or worse (in fact more often worse). In time you may become addicted to the IRC. Repeat: the IRC is very addictive, with thousand of computer faculties across the globe banning IRC from their students. Despite the efforts, this terminal disease still manages to spread its crappy addictive time-wasting urges into the hearts and souls of many young innocent users, turning them into hardcore IRC lusers. IF THIS DOES NOT FRIGHTEN YOU then you are already hooked. But there is worse to come. Even if you are hooked for life, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES fall in love with another luser. The consequences are painful to say the least; this is especially true if the one you fall in love is more than 1000 miles away. Before long you may find yourself singing: I would walk 500 miles And I would walk 500 more Just to see your face and lovely smile And to touch you where I can't before Here is a transcript of an early IRC record by a drnobody on his home brew IRC client by the name of ReTardis: drnobody> Hello DD drnobody> What does DD stand for? :DD> Diamond Dave drnobody> I have to perfect my ReTardis :DD> kinda like Dave, a girl's best friend drnobody> Lots of bugs :DD> what the hell is a retardis drnobody> really eccentric Tardis drnobody> I hope you know what a Tardis is :DD> *lost* drnobody> Tardis = Time And Relative Dimension In Space :DD> sorry no idea drnobody> Don't you watch Dr Who? :DD> OK what ever drnobody> Actually ReTardis is an IRC Client :DD> nope sorry I watch girls drnobody> naked girls? :DD> yeah when the beer flows freely on the boat drnobody> what boat? :DD> the boat I'm on now drnobody> You are on a boat? drnobody> How did you connect to irc? :DD> cellular phone drnobody> So cellular phone to university to irc eh? :DD> that's the ticket drnobody> Must have cost a lot :DD> about 3 mil drnobody> What's a mil? Million or the local currency? :DD> million drnobody> Who's paying? :DD> my dad drnobody> Are you rich or what? :DD> nah not really drnobody> I have to reset all my controls :DD> I own a 5000 acre ranch drnobody> So what are you studying in University? drnobody> you are not from Finland are you? :DD> I don't go to school I design automation systems for Bryan Foods :DD> no drnobody> Where are you from then? :DD> starkville ms is my home drnobody> Where is ms? :DD> where are you from drnobody> Australia :DD> ahh I'm from the USA drnobody> Where in US? :DD> state of mississippi :DD> southern state drnobody> Is your boat at sea or river :DD> I'm on a river right now headed for my home port; just left the gulf of mexico two weeks ago drnobody> hold on I am trying to find it in the atlas :DD> ok look at the southeast corner of the us drnobody> I am still trying to find your place. drnobody> Where is your home town? :DD> have you found mississippi? drnobody> Yes, drnobody> How long have you been at sea? or river? :DD> my home is in the northeast corner of the state drnobody> Near Tupelo? drnobody> My atlas is not a very clear or detail one. :DD> south of there :DD> it is about 80 miles south of there drnobody> Must be a nice place to live. drnobody> What do you have on your ranch? :DD> my home port is just north of columbus :DD> cattle about 2000 head at present drnobody> I only have Cleveland, Greensville, Greenwood, Yazoo City drnobody> on the atlas. drnobody> Hello world! drnobody> DD: Is that your Boat? :DD> do you see the river that runs from mobile, alabama (gulf) to tennessee? drnobody> Is that the Tombigbee river? :DD> yes that's it drnobody> OOH I get it. Thanks :DD> ahh starkvillian here :DD> hmmm I don't think so; I don't go to school and I just moved here about 6 months ago drnobody> DD: Where are you originally from? 6 months ago? :DD> Texas originally drnobody> DD: own any oil? :DD> my dad has 5 gas wells drnobody> DD: You must have a very lucky Dad. :DD> his dad before him was lucky drnobody> DD: nice family drnobody> DD: do you have to take up your family business? :DD> well I'm into automation programming that is my work drnobody> DD: sounds good. drnobody> It's winter right now in Melbourne. drnobody> Freezing cold!!!!!! Here is a transcript of IRC as it is today on channel #talk: IRC log started Sun Jan 24 02:19 *** Value of LOG set to ON choo: too many duplicated bots oping eachother... not good nah I just read tin for junk mail boba: I have a bunch of lewd jokes someone keeps sending me... choo: I think bot makers get tired after awhile anyway. pan..and what does he want? *** Strubi (strubi@impch.imp.ch) has joined channel #talk hi there :) i bloody well LIVE street away from him... he jus wants to meet you Nuclear send me anything g'day sturbi Hi, strubi! hiya strubi cholera, and others then come instead of them Wish I got more mail though boba: would you like me to put you on my joke distribution list? Nuclear: I need to get a good grade in my class yoo sik ! how's life ? :) Hey stubi and the total number rises up he makes a habit of meeting all the local irc girls rl hi everybody :) strubi: life is so-so :/ choo: I give choo.. here, i'll go and count it out hiya strub:) Nuclear: Send me Everything you can pan...ick..i don't know about that guy seems weird boba non sequitur? sik, same here....wahhh choo: Go ahead and ban all the bots. I'm not going to convince you, and you aren't going to convince me,. boba: What are you taking, email 101? *rofl* no he's not weird, he jus wants to meet you brb opan...when did he say that? *** choo has left channel #talk *** Action: Sik hugs cal *** Action: Nuclear agrees with choo he's met every other local irc girl Nuclear: Computer Communications sik...:) *** Mikeeb is now known as retregsf pan..that guy seems really sly....sad case to be honest *** Action: Shanny gives SIo a big hug and hopes he feels better IRC Log ended *** Sun Jan 24 02:21 The future for IRC is hard to predict: will it forever be lost to the mindless chatter of the nerds, or will it blossom into a more weirder form of mass hallucination, or better still bring forth world peace and understanding? In the years to come IRC may even break through the 1000 lusers barrier and let loose IRC on the world. %e *EOA* %t Des Moines, Iowa, USA, Earth %n 2R20 %s The Land Of Pigs And Corn %a Warren Kurt vonRoeschlaub (kv07@iastate.edu) %d 19930117 %i Iowa %x Earth %e Many people think that Des Moines is a small town in the middle of nowhere with nothing interesting to see in it. They are right. However, this does not mean that the average hitchhiker should skip stopping there. Since Des Moines sits in the dead center of Interstate 80, the road that connects New York to San Francisco, anyone making a trip from one half of the US to the other will probably be passing by anyway. If nothing else, one could certainly pick up a great deal of novelty items with a pig motif, many of which are truly hideous. Another place to visit is the Iowa Historical Farms. This is located just off the parkway as it traverses the western edge of the city. It consists of several farms from different eras in US history, all in full operation using only the correct period machinery. Do not visit if you are bothered by flies. Do not visit in the middle of August unless you have worn a ski jacket in Malaysia and thought it was quite cool. One of Des Moines' biggest celebrities is Tiny Tim. No he wasn't born there; Tiny Tim was born in New York City. And he doesn't live there, he lives in Los Angeles. But apparently Tiny Tim does like the city, since he drops by all the time, usually to make a commercial, or host a talk show on the radio. Don't be surprised if all the radio personalities in the area are talking about what a great guy he is, even if he is 70 years old and still goes by the name "Tiny." If you are interested in famous people, Harriet Nelson and Sada Thompson were born in Des Moines. Don't be upset if you have never heard of them; nobody has. Not even people who live in Des Moines. Des Moines has a population of about 190,000 people, which is about as big as many other thriving metropolitan areas, like Ewa, Hawaii, or Spokane, Washington. However, Des Moines covers such a large area that it doesn't feel nearly as crowded. One third of Des Moines is malls, with only the remaining two thirds left for small businesses, factories, office buildings, and residential areas. Don't go to Des Moines if you have mallophobia. What about that rich Iowan history? Well, thousands of years ago, people crossed the land bridge from Asia into the Americas. Some of them, known as the "mound builders" because their neighbors were jealous that they liked to build hills, settled in Iowa. This was so that the mounds they built would be the highest point in the state. In 1673, two explorers named Marquette and Joliette (they were French and could get away with names like that) visited the mound builders. Only a fragment of the original discourse remains: Marquette: "We claim this land in the name of France." Chief Mound Builder: "Hey, we were here first you know." Joliette: "Did I mention the infantry we brought with us?" Chief Mound Builder: "Vivre la France!" Despite this setback, the mound builders were able to adjust to eating a lot of bread and being rude to foreigners until the United States purchased Iowa in 1803. The mound builders were then moved from Iowa and given a plot of land in southern New Jersey. %e *EOA* %t Gravity %n 2R21 %s All The Average Person Needs To Know About Gravitation %a Andrew Mark Kuchling (fnord@binkley.cs.mcgill.ca) %d 19930208 %i General Relativity %i Tensor Calculus %e One of the most remarkable forces in the universe is known as gravitation. There are other fundamental forces, ranging from the two nuclear forces to electromagnetism, but none of them is of any importance to anyone who doesn't want to spend their life considering time-retarded integrals, group theory, and the horrible decor of physics classrooms. We can see why by considering Newton's law of gravitation: F=G*m[1]*m[2]/(r^2) : G is a proportionality constant, m[1] and m[2] are the two masses, and r is the distance between them. As far as we know, G is constant at all times and at all points in the universe. Gravity always attracts (there are no negative masses) while electromagnetism can also repel; thus, it is extremely difficult to build up a large amount of charge in one location. Gravity decreases with r^2, while the nuclear forces decrease with e^r, meaning they are noticeable only over subatomic distances. Therefore, these other forces can be safely left to the glossy pages of physics journals, where they won't cause any harm beyond the publication of theoretical papers. (Physics lore claims that, asked to prove the stability of a table, a theoretical physicist can quickly derive a solution for a table with an infinite number of legs, and will then spend the next thirty years trying to solve the special case of a table with a finite, non-zero number of legs.) Gravity, on the other hand, is important to anyone who wants to travel through space and arrive at a given point on the first try. The various theories of gravitation lead to many interesting results, such as bread always falling on the carpet with the butter-and- jam side down, black holes forming, and lost change vanishing into sofa crevices. Unfortunately, all these really interesting gravitational phenomena require a knowledge of General Relativity to understand. Newtonian gravity is almost exclusively used to derive orbits, and celestial mechanics has become a nightmare of eccentricities, tidal forces, and mathematical techniques all invented by Frenchmen whose names begin with 'L'. Any society needing really accurate orbital calculations is capable of building computers able to numerically integrate them. Therefore, in the real universe you don't have to worry about getting actual symbolic expressions for orbital parameters; it's simpler to dump all the masses and velocities into a suitable program and hope the programmers responsible for the floating point routines weren't prone to forgetting to check the carry flag. General Relativity, on the other hand, deals with black holes, space warps, time travel, and all the other things one finds badly mangled in Shirley MacLaine's books. To do this, however, one is forced to use tensor calculus, a generalization of vector and scalar calculus that is best defined as the field where one uses every Greek letter as both super- and sub-scripts simultaneously. Many theorems can be proved by writing down some basic equations and manipulating them until an error is made that lets the proof be easily completed. (Confusing the letter zeta with anything else is frequently used. When handwritten, either very quickly or with the greatest care, zeta always ends up looking like a random squiggle; there is a Nobel Prize waiting for anyone who manages to replace zeta with something simpler, like a 10-stroke Chinese ideogram.) Errors in derivations have occasionally caused comical results; for example, one result for the effect of emission of gravitational radiation by two orbiting neutron stars was antidamping. The emission of the radiation would supposedly increase the orbital velocities, and hence increase further emission, and so on. Someone actually managed to get that result published, thus proving that inhaling chalk dust over long periods does indeed cause brain damage. While a knowledge of all of the above may be useful for small talk at cocktail parties, it probably isn't. %e *EOA* %t McGill University, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, Earth %n 2R22 %s A High, Cold Place Overlooking The Universe (And Sherbrooke St.) %a Andrew Mark Kuchling (fnord@binkley.cs.mcgill.ca) %d 19930208 %x Earth %e A respectable hitchhiker is, of course, a contradiction in terms. Hence, one of the places towards which hitchhikers gravitate is frequently a college, university or other location of purportedly higher education. Here one can encounter eccentric geniuses, promiscuous political science students, robotic graduate students, and the occasional sober engineer. Also present are libraries, laboratories, computers, security staff, cafeterias, and professors. To this standard design, McGill University adds one refinement: large falling masses of ice and snow. The extreme steepness of many roofs at McGill means that in spring one must exercise extreme caution when moving from building to building, unless one enjoys the tingly feeling of having a 50-centimeter icicle embedded in one's cranium. Smart visitors either avoid walking under eaves or stay away from the eastern side of the campus. Extremely smart visitors may leave immediately (or, better yet, avoid McGill completely) but they will miss the opportunity to visit the University Center, recently renamed the William Shatner University Center to honor a past graduate who has done absolutely nothing for the university, but a great deal for comedians. Despite this drawback, McGill is still a wonderful place to visit. Not because of anything intrinsically fascinating in the institution itself, but because of its central location in the downtown core of Montreal. A walk of fifteen minutes in one direction will put you in front of the Montreal Museum of Fine Arts and its attendant art galleries, high-toned boutiques, and ferociously expensive restaurants (where to enter wearing denim will lead to immediate arrest); going in the other direction, one will wind up on St. Laurent street, remarkable for the highest concentration of tattoo parlors in the city (handy for occupying those one-hour breaks between classes). There is an odd dichotomy at McGill. It was built from donations by rich, privileged Montrealers, and practically all of its buildings bear their names. The usual tie-dyed minority complains of the bedrock of oppression McGill rests upon, yet, instead of leaving the place in disgust, they write articles for the newspapers and demand partial funding for staff parties. (This is similar to the Guide's system, except that the Guide is acquired voluntarily.) The rest of the student body ignores them, and continues kicking recycling bins out of the way as it stampedes into courses rumored to be easy A's. Unfortunately, McGill's past status as the premier educational institution in Canada is shrinking rapidly (like its enrollment). Library underfunding, a multi-million dollar debt, a declining and pathetic student population, and the increasing stupidity of both student and academic administrations, all point toward a dark future. Hitchhikers wishing to visit McGill as a university, and not as a collection of decaying buildings, are advised to hurry. %e *EOA* %t Program Structure Wars %n 2R23 %a Andrew Mark Kuchling (fnord@binkley.cs.mcgill.ca) %s A Silly Verbal Tempest In An Even Sillier Teapot %d 19930223 %i Computer Language Wars %i Structured Programming %e Controversy swirls around computers like chocolate in a marbled cake. Aficionados battle over different models, operating systems, and applications. It is a universal fact that the vehemence of an argument is in inverse relationship to the importance of the arguers. Perhaps the most violent of these debates center around computer languages. There are two extremist camps in the debate: 1) The Structured Programming crowd: This camp believes programs should be clearly and logically broken down into small modules, each one of which will be given a separate procedure. They also claim that many errors can be prevented by implementing a strong type checking system so that different data types (such as integer and real numbers) are not interchangeable, and attempting to use one instead of the other results in an error. Truly fanatic Structured Programmers can easily be recognized; they are the ones simultaneously maintaining flowcharts, pseudocode and procedure trees as they develop a program. Their favorite languages require one to memorize countless functions to convert from integer to real, character to integer, Boolean to character, meaning one has to disentangle skeins of conversion functions. This is supposed to make program code understandable at a glance. It doesn't. 2) The Unstructured Programming group: This group hates to have any rules imposed on them. Many of them cut their teeth on tiny microcomputers, and because of this early experience believe that every line of a program must be absolutely optimal for the machine it's running on. Any technique which is not the fastest one possible is unacceptable. For example, benchmarks showed that the Commodore 64's BASIC evaluated a lone '.' as zero faster than it would a '0'. Many BASIC programs were full of lines like 'FOR I=. TO 255', even in cases where the resulting speedup would be nonexistent, such as in initialization code which is executed exactly once per execution of the program. Such programmers dislike leaving anything to a compiler, and prefer to hand-optimize compiled object code. Moving such code to a different system is a nightmarish task, because the instructions were carefully crafted to fit a certain machine; unstructured programmers live in deathly fear of upgrading (with good reason). The acrimonious debate between the two parties is eternal. Unstructured programmers use languages like Fortran and C; structured programmers like Niklaus Wirth's languages, such as Pascal and Oberon. Enormous amounts of time are spent arguing over which language is superior, and over whether structured programming is a blessing or a curse. Truly intelligent people don't belong to either religion. The third group in this melee is that of the Moderates. Moderates completely agree that structuring programs logically into procedures, and using type checking to ensure parameters and results are correctly handled, are Good Things. However, they also know that there are an infinite number of programming situations that a language will have to handle, and that no language designer will be able to foresee them all. Therefore, it is best if a language is loose enough to allow dodging some of its constraints while using others to guard against error; otherwise, limitations that seemed reasonable on the drawing board will become straitjackets, forcing the program code into obscure contortions to accomplish its goal. From this point of view, all languages are fairly even. With enough care, beautifully designed programs can be written in any of them, and there will never be a language in which it will be difficult to write bad programs. But choosing a language carefully means getting the best of both worlds; safety from careless errors and freedom to design elegant systems. %e *EOA* %t Sleep %n 2R24 %s The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of %a Alex Miller (amiller4@ux4.cso.uiuc.edu) %d 19920202 %e Sleep is fundamentally good. It is something to be enjoyed, worshipped, loved, and cherished. Humans spend rather a large part of their lives either sleeping or wishing they were. The problem is most people don't take time to enjoy their sleep, to revel in the very essence of sleepiness and how good it is to finally drift off, away from the world. Besides being all-together enjoyable, sleep is necessary for us to lead normal, productive lives, the scientists say. Sleep research has revealed that the brain must have this "down-time" in order to be able to deal with reality and consciousness the rest of the time. Research has revealed that the most restful type of sleep occurs while humans undergo Rapid Eye Movement, or REM. During so-called REM sleep there are spasms of the eye muscles that are clearly visible to an observer. Some of the more sadistic sleep research has been on the subject of sleep depravation, or going for extended periods of time without sleep. Scientists have found that sleep depravation, which leads to REM depravation, can have severe effects over relatively short periods of time. For instance, nuclear reactor failures and problems have largely been linked to operator fatigue. As a college student, I can attest that students are perhaps hit hardest in the need for sleep. In fact, to the college student, the entire educational experience can sometimes appear to be a giant sleep depravation experiment. The typical student leads a schedule of sufficient weirdness that sleep is not a part of the regular routine. Hence, the age-old student problems of sleeping through a day (or week) of classes and sleeping during class are not something to be solved, but tolerated. It is also important to note that unusual sleeping habits do tend to have an adverse effect on grades. (However, this is the least of the typical student's problems.) There is also the matter of sleeping style. Everyone has a unique style, or method of sleeping, whether they are aware of it or not. In fact, they often aren't aware of it, because they are sleeping while it is taking place. Perhaps the most common sleeping trait is snoring, which can range from a gentle sniffling to a great hawking roar of a honk, sure to wake people for miles around. Others find that they tend to walk or talk in their sleep which can lead to a number of interesting and potentially dangerous positions. For instance, I have heard tales of a sleeping college student who mistook a fellow student's room for the urinal in the deep of the night, leading to a rather unfortunate end for everyone involved. As children and occasionally later in life, many humans have problems controlling their bladder at night. This is always a consideration when searching for a roommate. A final sleeping problem is that of insomnia, or an inability to fall asleep even when one is quite tired. There are many classic ways to solve this problem, such as counting sheep or drinking warm milk. I personally prefer a good knock with a lead pipe - I've never seen it fail. "To sleep, perchance to dream," said Hamlet, and although he was really talking about death, I think it applies anyway. Dreaming can be a wonderful thing, fulfilling your fantasies, or it can be a terrible thing, leaving you in a cold sweat, terrified to leave your room. Either way, it is the ultimate story-making machine, far better than movies or books, because it relies on the imagination without form. Often, however, this lack of form can also lead to strange or surprising results. Consider, for instance, the dream of yourself in a public place, but without a stitch of clothing. Sound familiar? Freud used dreams as the basis for his work because he believed that they were a window into the unconscious, a way to see into a person's soul. Nifty stuff, all together. Sweet dreams. %e *EOA* %t University Of Western Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, Earth %n 2R25 %s How Not To Get A Bachelors Of Computer Science In Australia %a Leigh J C Kennedy (lkennedy@st.nepean.uws.edu.au) %d 19920416 %i Computer Science Down Under %i Computing In The Land Of Oz %x Earth %x Australia, Earth %e About 200 years ago, the British started sending people to Australia for crimes that they had committed. That wasn't the problem. The problem was, what these people were meant to do when they were released. Faced with a long boat ride back to a land where it never stopped raining, many of these people decided to stay. They did rather foolish things like form governments, which eventually (180 or so years omitted) lead to the need for an Australian computer industry. "What has this got to do with the University of Western Sydney," you may ask. Well, this computer industry found it needed people skilled in all areas of Computer Science, not the theory-filled clones that were coming from all other uni's around the world. What was needed were mean, hard-nosed code crunchers, and analysts who ate classical models for breakfast. The University of Western Sydney heard this call and responded like no other. It created students who owned an assembler and weren't afraid to use it; it made them learn that RTFM is not really user-friendly programming; and it made analysts who were willing to kill to get a decent development budget. After some whining from the financial sector, it finally relented and taught them COBOL, but only if the students promised never to use it. "So what is the problem," you ask. "Why do the students wince every time they see their academic transcripts?" There was only one problem, but it was a big one. The NAME!!! Between the time that the degree was worked out and any students were actually admitted to the course, bureaucracy stepped in. It was not a Computer Science degree they said - there was not enough theory. It was not a Computer Engineering degree they said - not enough systems design. Everyone agreed that it was far to intense for a Information Systems degree, so what to call it? The bureaucracy in their infinite wisdom decided that because the degree concentrated more on the application of skills than mere theory, that it would be called "Applied" something. There was no question that the degree was a computing one so they said it was "in computing." After much infighting between departments (possible names were Bachelors of Applied Finance in Computing, Bachelors of Applied Biology in Computing and even Bachelors of Applied Sheep Husbandry in Computing), it was finally decided that Science and Technology could have the degree and it became Bachelors of Applied Science in Computing. You still don't see this as a problem? Well, there is more. After the name was decided and the first students started to enroll, a slimy little accountant got to learn of this new degree (NB: I have no proof that the accountant was slimy, but based on other accountants I have met I think it is a pretty safe bet). This accountant noticed that the Bachelors of Applied Science in Computing was really much too long a name, and after convincing the university board (with a few dozen cases of Foster's), the name was cut to just Bachelors of Applied Science. Hundreds of students were left trying to convince prospective employers that they really did know what they were talking about (which in a few cases they actually did). So hear my warning, all computing students around the world. Do not complain when they teach you FORTRAN; smile when they tell you that BASIC is really a highly-structured language: at least you have the name. %e *EOA* %t Defecation %n 2R26 %s It's Not Just A Bodily Function... It's An Enjoyable Pastime! %a Scott Bale (a.k.a. Wild Cheese) * Author accessible via Alex Miller (amiller4@ux4.cso.uiuc.edu) %d 19930403 %e Bowel movements take up a large amount of an individual's waking life and, in the fast-paced, hurried, etc. way of life these days, free time does not come easy. I have found, through extensive research, that one's time on the throne is an excellent opportunity for relaxation, stimulating intellectual reading, or quiet reflection on one's life. My roommate and I have been keeping a defecation log in order to spot patterns or deduce the circumstances behind a good dump. By numbering our dumps and dating them, plotting them against factors such as overall enjoyment (1-10), splash factor (1-10), significant odors, and other important variants, we have made some interesting discoveries. It seems the most important contribution to a satisfactory excretion is the rectal dilation; there is a definite direct proportion between the data in the Estimated Rectal Dilation column (cm) and the Overall Enjoyment column. It seems the sensation from the rectal dilation is the most significant contributor to overall peace of mind, euphoria, and relaxation during a dump, to which all other factors depend on for enjoyment. Further analyzing the data, we found that the most pleasing dilation fell in the interval of 2.75 to 3.5 centimeters. Graphing the whole range of dilations produced a Maxwellian Distribution Curve, with 3.10 being the top of the curve. To the left of this value, smaller dilations were less likely to produce significant sensations to affect one's state of mind, while to the right of this value, higher dilations produced bleeding, excruciating pain, and eventually unconsciousness, as my roommate found when experiencing an estimated dilation of 6.5 centimeters, as the proctologist later reported. To continue, there was also a direct proportion between Viscosity (1-10) and Estimated Rectal Dilation (cm), indicating that Viscosity is the direct controller of dilation. After plotting the data, my roommate and I found a general equation relating Viscosity (V) to Rectal Dilation (D): V=kD, "k" being the Poop Constant. However, this accounts only for Viscosity up to 8.5 (nearly rock solid) and dilations up to 6.5 cm, and should be subject to further research. Reading Materials were also an important variable. While not actually affecting the nature of the bowel movement itself, it seemed that dumps were much more enjoyable if reading materials were involved. This data is more prone to speculation, but comic books, letters from friends, or other more frivolous forms of reading were preferred over novels or other more serious forms of reading. However, in the absence of the preferred reading material, it seems the subject would much prefer to have anything to read and, in extreme cases, would rather read the graffiti on the stall walls or the political ads than look at one's own stark naked torso sitting on the porcelain throne. %e *EOA* %t Computer Malfunctions %n 2R27 %s An Exploration In Computer Physiology %a Scott Bale (a.k.a. Wild Cheese) * Author accessible via Alex Miller (amiller4@ux4.cso.uiuc.edu) %d 19930403 %e In light of the recent rash of computmm mmfnccttzzns, mgrugle plux arggxgle cjJl m44 *)W $ ssnapalm 89F325sfxxfj;sl y mlg cows dlg;d cow cow cowscows cowsCOWs cOWSCOWS!!! %e *EOA* %t Rules Of Car Chasing %n 2R28 %s Legal And Illegal %a Scott Bale (a.k.a. Wild Cheese) * Author accessible via Alex Miller (amiller4@ux4.cso.uiuc.edu) %d 19930409 %e To be involved legally in a car chase you must somehow be an enforcer of the law, in which case the rules are: anything goes. Cut through yards, exit from entrance ramps, cut through department stores, run over fire hydrants, smash up your car or the bad guy's. As long as no one innocent is injured and no more than $50,000 in damage to public property occurs, you are well within the confines of appropriate social etiquette. If, as an officer of the law, you fail to apprehend the criminal in question, it is advisable to somehow crash your car and injure yourself "in the line of duty" to receive sympathy and lessen your chances of being reprimanded. I recommend jerking the wheel and allowing the car to careen into vacated but visible areas, such as public fountains. If possible, arrange for the car to overturn, crumple, or blow up. To be involved illegally in a car chase you are probably breaking the law and therefore the rules are: anything goes. In fact, you have an advantage over enforcers of the law in that criminals are not expected to observe the $50,000 limit/no innocent victims rule. Whether or not to take advantage of this is a matter of personal taste. On one hand, plowing through a pack of Cub Scouts might improve your chances of escape if the cops can't follow you; on the other hand, getting pedestrians lodged up in the transmission might detract from your car's performance. Keep in mind that, on Earth, killing someone will almost certainly make your prison term much shorter. %e *EOA* %t Tea %n 2R29 %s Tea: A Drink, A Shrub, A Meal %a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (alexmc@biccdc.co.uk) %d 19930409 %i Chinese Restaurants %e "Tea," along with "set," has one of the highest "meanings per letter" ratios in the English language. In England, United Kingdom, Earth "tea" is usually a drink made from recently boiled hot water, a white liquid taken from cows, granulated sugar and, most importantly, dried leaves from the shrub or small tree Camellia sinensis. This shrub is also known as "tea," but very few people consider where their tea leaves come from before they reach the supermarket shelves. These shrubs have been grown in China for thousands of years, and it is only recently (since the seventeenth century) that this plant has been widely available in Europe. In the nineteenth century, it was discovered that the Assam region in India also grew tea. It now grows in several other countries. Tea shrubs likes high rainfall, equable temperatures, and high humidity. Picking the tea leaves is somewhat of a mystery. A certain famous tea wholesaler in the UK proudly boasts that it only picks the top leaf off of each bush. This seems extremely inefficient considering how much tea the British public consumes. It also points to how poorly paid tea pickers are. In the Orient, the tea drinking ceremony is something of a ritual. In the British Isles the ceremony of tea has largely been lost. Tea is now seen as a means to warming yourself, something to dip your McVitie's digestive biscuits in, something to wash down you supper with. The ceremony only survives because of certain "tea snobs" and Chinese restaurants. Chinese Restaurants often serve you with jasmine tea before you even order your meal. This is made from parts of the jasmine flowering bush, but contains no milk (the aforementioned white substance from cows) or sugar. It is extremely bad form to ask for either milk or sugar. You are not normally charged for this tea if served unasked for, and you may even ask for refills of hot water, for infusion with the old leaves. Do _not_ complain about bits of jasmine floating about in your cup. And never stick your hand or fingers into your cup to remove them! "Tea Snobs" are both a blessing and a pain. On one hand they maintain a vital part of British culture. On the other, they try to constrict your human rights about eating food how you wish. Here is a description of how to prepare tea. (It should be noted that although there are many forms of coffee makers, there are no widely available automatic tea makers.) Boil a kettle. If it is one which does not turn itself off, then make sure that it has a piercing whistle attachment which can be heard over Nirvana playing on your stereo hi-fi. In the meantime, find yourself a teapot and a bone china cup and saucer. The teapot can be any sensible substance but silver is preferred by real snobs who can pay someone else to keep it polished. Pour half an inch of milk into the bottom of the cup. Do not use the equivalent metric volume as only Imperial measures may be used. This may be to cool the drink before it comes into contact with the china, to prevent the cup from cracking. I have not tested this theory. Do not add the tea to teapot yet. You have to scald it first. When boiled, put some hot water into the teapot, swirl it around a bit to warm up the inside, and then discard this water. This simultaneously washes the teapot and makes sure that the water being mixed with the tea is still at boiling point and not massively cooled. Add your tea to the pot and immediately add water and close the lid. The amount of water and tea depends upon the number of people present and the size of the pot. A favorite saying when using teabags is "one per person, and one for the pot." If available, cover the teapot with a tea cosy. This is a woollen hat-like object which will insulate the teapot against the cold. When the tea has brewed for long enough (determined by the colour of the liquid), pour into cups, and then ask each person how many spoons of sugar they would like. No lumps please! Drink the tea, and note your mistakes for your next attempt. Note, if you used loose leaves in your pot then you must pour your tea through a tea-strainer. This is a sieve the width of a normal cup, and will catch any bits of tea which make it up the spout. Most forms of tea drinking in Britain are variants on the above recipe. Usually items are swapped for other items, or left out entirely! One such replacement for milk is lemon juice. An alternative to sugar might be honey, or sweetex, or nutrasweet. Tea is also an evening meal in which the drinking of tea plays an important part. Perhaps the most pleasurable tea experience, short of sex on a bed of used tea bags, is the eating of Marmite toast dipped in strong hot tea. This is best served at breakfast time. Tea distributors are now being forced to come up with advertising gimmicks with which to sell their brand of tea. It is becoming more and more difficult to find tea sold in _square_ bags, the trend being towards round bags. The infamous chimpanzees, who traditionally had their tea parties at the zoo, now cavort all over the nation's television screens in clothes and uttering sweet words of praise for their benefactors' tea. The name of their employer? PG Tips. Or perhaps that should be "_P_roject _G_alactic Tips"? %e *EOA* %t Rationalization %n 2R31 %s The Real Use For Philosophy %a Daniel A. Bowman (ai569@yfn.ysu.edu) %d 19930519 %i Philosophy, The Real Use For %x Bluffer's Guides, The %x Work %e The ability to rationalize is an invaluable skill for today's hitchhiker, second only to the art of bluffing. The proper use of this skill enables the hitchhiker to accomplish all sorts of amazing feats, one of the most wondrous of these being the ability to get out of doing any physical or mental labor that might be required. This is done simply by convincing oneself that you have done enough work and a good rest is in order. Unfortunately, to completely avoid the pangs of conscience that will undoubtedly accompany such a decision, one must be truly adept at the art of rationalization. This much sought-after degree of mastery takes many years of practice. The only good side to this is the fact that you are practicing your rationalization techniques is a great excuse for getting out of work. Another good use for rationalization is to convince yourself that the guy you just stole that car from didn't really need it as much as you do (I mean, _he_ doesn't have to get out of town because of that bank job you just pulled) and besides, you're not really stealing it, just borrowing it without his knowing, which really isn't the same thing.... As you can see, there is a lot of money to be made in philosophy. %e *EOA* %t Top Ten Traveling Songs %n 2R32 %s Songs To Sing While Wandering %a Daniel A. Bowman (ai569@yfn.ysu.edu) %d 19930518 %x Solutions To Drinking Problems %x Work %e Throughout the ages, wanderers have sung, whistled, hummed, or otherwise attempted to carry a tune in hopes of making their journey more pleasant. There have even been legends that certain songs will in some way magically aid a wanderer (i.e., quickening the healing of injuries, making him more brave in battle, enabling him to "walk" after having visited a pub, etc). Attempts to dispel this fallacy were hindered considerably by the introduction of the "Bard's Tale" (TM) saga. At any rate, it is quite true that a good song will make the hardships of travel somewhat more bearable. With this in mind, I have taken it upon myself to list ten of my favorite traveling songs. These songs were chosen for their high ratings in three important areas. These are as follows: 1) Is it a good song? 2) Is it lyrically pertinent to the traveling motif? 3) Does it have a catchy tune that can easily be sung, hummed, whistled, or de-dum-da-dumed to? With that, I give you the Top Ten Traveling songs: 10) "Like A Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan This is a wonderful little song about what it is like to be without food, shelter, and friendship. It is quite depressing, but this gives the added advantage of making people feel sorry for you. If you're lucky, you might even get someone to provide you with food, shelter, and friendship, thereby saving you from one of the horrors of modern life: work. 9) "Wherever I May Roam" by Metallica (Hetfield/Ulrich) This is a great metal song that speaks of independence and pride. This is a good song to sing when you're feeling lonely and you'd prefer not feeling that way. It is a good way to convince yourself that you don't need anyone's help. 8) "Keep The Customer Satisfied" by Simon and Garfunkel This song is about the world being against you. It is a good song to sing when you want to arouse pity in someone. But use caution, the song is a bit on the whiny side and may have the reverse effect on some people. 7) "Carry on Wayward Son" by Kansas It is a wonderful motivational song. If you feel like you can't go on, then sing this. 6) "Fly By Night" by Rush (Lee/Peart) If you screwed up in the place that you're at or you want to start your life anew, this is the song to sing while you're running away. 5) "Cloudy" by Simon and Garfunkel This is a great happy-go-lucky wandering song. If you have no place to go, you like it that way, and you're wandering anyway, then you are in the proper state of mind to sing this song. It is a wonderful way to be. 4) "Going To California" by Led Zeppelin (Plant/Page) Hey, it's Zeppelin. Need I say more? 3) "Graceland" by Paul Simon This is a song for those that are searching for some primal truth. It is believed that no one, not even Paul Simon, understands this song to any great degree, but that is exactly what makes it so valuable for those searching within even as they search without. 2) "The Gold It's In The..." by Pink Floyd (Waters/Gilmour) This song expresses perfectly a state of mind. It embodies the essence of the traveling spirit. The destination doesn't matter so much as the journey. 1) "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" by Eric Idle This song delivers a very important message -- a message that should never be forgotten if you intend to enjoy life to the fullest. Besides, it's funny as hell. Well, there you have it, the Top Ten Traveling Songs according to me. Happy singing! (Oh, and try not to annoy too many locals while you're passing through....) %e *EOA* %t Watford, London, England, UK, Earth %n 2R33 %s The Town Of Watford, North-West Of London, England, UK, Earth %a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (alexmc@biccdc.co.uk) %d 19930315 %i Places Not To Admit Living In %i Watford, London Underground Metropolitan Line %e For those of you not in the know, Watford is a small town on the north-west out-skirts of London, United Kingdom, Earth, Dimensions 12, 134, and 500 through to 667. It is surprisingly easy to get to. And rather difficult to leave. It is just on the inside of the M25 ring road, junction 20 or 21. As is common with most areas of London, driving is impossible. (But Hitchhikers take note! When someone with a company car offers you a lift to the pub, accept!) Another favourite pastime of the locals is to find other methods of transport from A to B via C. From my room I have the choice of taking the tube from Watford Station (Metropolitan Line) and taking a slow train into London, stopping at almost every stop. This takes five minutes walk and an hours train ride. ("the tube" is a common term for London Underground's system of Subway Trains). A second method of transport is by British Rail. This involves walking 30 minutes to Watford Junction BR station, and a two stop train journey to Euston, taking just 30 minutes or so. You would be right in guessing that this guide researcher chooses the method requiring less perambulation. Nightclubs: There are a couple, however, this researcher can't report on them from experience. After being driven past one of them and counting 9 police cars parked outside the desire to go elsewhere was strengthened. Pubs: Quite a few nice ones. Make sure you try the country pubs around Watford if you can get there, and have some means of returning to your lodgings without driving. Electronics Shop: There is one which has received continually bad reports from many customers over many years. Avoid. (See References to Tottenham Court Road. ) Business Park: The two business parks of West Watford are quite nice places to work, if you are forced to. But a helicopter is needed to get to work in the morning, as the single road leading to both parks becomes a little M25 (i.e. a large car-park). People in London use Watford as a marker. What it marks is the end of the civilized world. Culture starts in various points of London, most notably the West End, Leicester Square (with all the cinemas) and Forbidden Planet the science fiction bookshop. In the UK, the North South divide is reversed with the South being the more prosperous (snobbish) part of the country and the North (or "up norff" as it is fondly referred to) being the more heavily industrialized and unemployed regions. This divide is sometimes called the "Watford Gap" but is strangely nowhere near Watford. Disclaimer: Any inaccuracies in the above are deeply regretted. Tough luck. %e *EOA* %t Mars, Composition Of %a Daniel A. Bowman (ai569@yfn.ysu.edu) %n 2R34 %s I Wouldn't Want To Live There, But It's Quite Tasty %i Composition Of Mars %x Mars %x Mars, Hailing A Taxi On %x Mars, Possibility Of Life On %d 19930621 %e The atmosphere of the planet Mars is 95.3% carbon dioxide, 2.7% nitrogen, and 1.6% argon. The rest is oxygen, carbon monoxide, water vapor, and other gases. Mars has two polar ice caps of water with a thin covering of dry ice. Temperatures at the poles in the winter can be as low as -127 degrees Celsius. Carbon dioxide from the atmosphere can actually freeze and fall to the ground like snow. At best, the temperature on the equator is ten degrees Celsius. Surprisingly, there are many signs of water erosion on the surface, as if caused by immense flash floods. The most likely explanation concerns the fact that Mars probably has subsurface ice and permafrost. It is possible that volcanic activity could melt this ice. The surface rock would then crash into the newly formed pool of water. This in turn would cause the water to burst onto the surface, creating a flash flood. However, the atmospheric pressure is so low that water rapidly boils away, leaving nothing behind but a scarred surface. Water is able to remain on the poles only because of the low temperature. The two types of rock known to be present on Mars are basaltic and iron oxides. Little else is known about the planet Mars. The Mars (TM) candy bar is manufactured by Mars, Inc. and distributed by the M&M/Mars Company. These delightful bars are composed of "Crunchy Almonds, Caramel, & Nougat In Chocolate." The first question to come to a typical person's mind at this point is "What the hell is 'nougat' and do I really want to eat it?". It is assumed that the nougat is the white stuff mixed in with the crunchy almonds and caramel inside the chocolate, but one can never be too sure. It is best to just eat the candy bar and not think about it. At any rate, the ingredients, according to the wrapper, are as follows: Milk Chocolate, Almonds, Corn Syrup, Sugar, Partially Hydrogenated Soybean Oil, Milk, Skim Milk, Butter, Lactose, Salt, Egg Whites, Soy Protein, and Artificial Flavor. It should also be noted that, again according to the wrapper, milk chocolate contains: Sugar, Sweetened Condensed Milk, Cocoa Butter, Chocolate, Soy Lecithin, and Vanillin, an artificial flavor. And in case you were wondering, "Sweetened Condensed Milk" is made of milk and lactose. Bibliography: Kaufman, William J. III, _Planets and Moons_ (1979) Tanaka, Kenneth L., "Mars," Grolier's Electronic Academic American Encyclopedia (1993) M&M/Mars Company, Mars Almond Bar Wrapper (1993) %e *EOA* %t Mars, Possibility Of Life On %n 2R35 %s Very Low %a Daniel A. Bowman (ai569@yfn.ysu.edu) %i Possibility Of Life On Mars %x Mars %x Mars, Hailing A Taxi On %x Mars, Composition Of %d 19930621 %e All the data that is presently possessed about the possibility of microscopic life on the planet Mars comes from three experiments conducted by the Viking landers. These experiments were based on the assumption that living organisms eat, breathe, and give off waste products. The first experiment was called the labeled release experiment. For this experiment, some soil was placed in a container and moistened with a nutrient that contained radioactive carbon. The idea was that if there were any living organisms, they should eat the nutrient and emit gases containing the radioactive carbon. Large quantities of gas were in fact released. The second experiment was called the pyrolytic release experiment. Its purpose was to detect photosynthesis. Soil was placed in a container that was filled with Martian-like atmosphere. The exception was that the carbon in the carbon dioxide was radioactive. The soil was then illuminated with artificial sun light. The theory was that if photosynthesis occurred, the organisms should contain the radioactive carbon. So the container was flushed of the gases and the soil was analyzed for radioactive carbon. Oddly, sometimes the results were positive, and sometimes they were negative. The third was the gas exchange experiment. Its purpose was to detect respiration. Soil was dampened with the nutrient and placed in a container filled with the Martian-like atmosphere. The gases were then monitored, for if organisms were present in the soil, they should inhale and exhale, thereby changing the composition of the miniature atmosphere. As soon as the soil was dampened, large amounts of carbon dioxide and oxygen were given off. Unfortunately, the rate was exactly that which would be expected from a purely chemical reaction. It was decided that the soil must contain peroxides or superoxides that react with water. The apparently positive results from the labeled release experiment can be explained in the same way. More information may become available when the Mars Observer, launched on 9-25-92, arrives in November of 1993. Its mission is to take pictures of Mars for one Martian year (687 Earth-days, I think). There is also a slight possibility of life on a Mars (TM) candy bar. The chances are slim if you leave it wrapped until you are ready to consume it. However, it is best to be safe and examine the bar closely before eating. If any forms of animal life (fauna) are found, it is best to quickly knock them off with a deft flick of the finger and then to squash them, preferably with a facial tissue to minimize the mess. It is also possible, though highly unlikely, that there may be plant life (flora) on your Mars (TM) bar. If this is the case, do NOT eat the candy bar. M&M/Mars has a guarantee of quality and freshness. If your bar does have a significant flora population, merely return it and the wrapper along with the reason you are returning it and where and when you bought it. M&M/Mars will gladly replace your candy bar and make an effort to remedy the problem. Bibliography: Kaufman, William J. III, _Planets and Moons_ (1979) Leech, Jon, "Space FAQ 11/15 - Upcoming Planetary Probes" (1993) M&M/Mars Company, Mars Almond Bar Wrapper (1993) %e *EOA* * * End of file: REAL02.NEW * Share and Enjoy! *