* * Archive: REAL09.NEW * * Created on: Tue Aug 3 15:24:41 1999 * * Number of articles: 25 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to find * an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * JonHarmon-1 Harmon, Jonathan David * 2R176-1 Ogden, Utah, USA, Earth * 2R177-1 GAG, Guaranteed Articles Group * 6R9-1 Live Action Roleplaying * 6R10-1 Crayfishing, The Art Of * 6R11-1 Emu Export Lager (TM) * 6R12-1 Gate Crashers' Entrance, The * 6R13-1 Sunglasses, Chris Tann's * 6R14-1 Towel, Chris Tann's * 6R15-1 America's Cup, The * 6R16-1 America's Cup Bandwagon * 2R178-1 Jakubaas, George * 2R179-1 Michigan, USA, Earth * 2R180-1 Passive Drinking * 2R181-1 Acronyms * 2R182-1 Broomball * 2R183-1 Essay Questions * 2R184-1 Chickamauga, Georgia, USA, Earth * 2R185-1 Ford Aspire, The * 2R186-1 Boskoop, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth * 2R187-1 Exaggeration * 2R188-1 Taco Bell * 6R17-1 Early To Bed, Early To Rise ..... * 6R18-1 Zapping * 6R19-1 TV People * %t Harmon, Jonathan David %n 2R175 * update edited by 8 %s I Wrote This In My Spare Time %a Jonathan David Harmon (jharmon@mtu.edu) %d 19950124 %d 19961008 %x Clio, Michigan, USA, Earth %x Skipping Along The Trail To Acheron %x GAG, Guaranteed Articles Group %x Magic, The Gathering %x Broomball %e Jonathan David Harmon began his existence as a legally defined human on the morning of January 24th, 1975, in the then-thriving town of Flint, Michigan, USA, Earth. His parents were (and, in fact, still are) Hugh James Harmon, who shortly thereafter took a job at General Motors (which he still has) to support his family; and Margaret Jo Harmon, formerly Margaret Jo Kapla, who shortly thereafter (on a geological scale) took a job as a teller at a local bank to help support the family, progressing through the ranks only to have her department phased out, and thus becoming a teller once more. He had, at the time, one sister, Elizabeth Anne Harmon, who was (and also still is) four years his elder. She is currently working as a chemical engineer at Motorola in Austin, Texas. He now also has a younger sister, Laura Marie Harmon, who is presently in her freshman year of college at Central Michigan University, and plans to pursue a degree in something some day, although she is not 100% certain exactly what that something is (the current focus is history education). Jon (as he prefers to be called) lived most of his life on the outskirts of Clio, Michigan, USA, Earth. Because he was so far on the outskirts of Clio (far enough to cross several European countries), he often refers to himself as a booneyman, meaning that he lived "in the boonies," or, as he puts it, Booneyland. His latest version of Booneyland can be found at "http://pace1.cts.mtu.edu:8080/~jharmon" on the World Wide Web, an amazing service which he expounds the benefits of whenever he can remember exactly what "expound" means. Besides spending unreasonable amounts of time on Project Galactic Guide, for which he is a founding member and namer of the Guaranteed Articles Group (GAG), Jon tries to ensure that he never has free time, a practice which, coupled with his habit of procrastination, has caused him much stress throughout his life. To meet this goal, he became editor in chief of his campus' daily paper, the Michigan Tech Daily Bull, and helped bring it online (http://www.hu.mtu.edu/~bull2/). He also plays on his hall broom ball team, a sport in which cold college students slide around on ice trying to cause a small rubber ball to enter the opposing team's net by smacking each other with brooms wrapped in duct tape. Jon is also co-host for an 80's radio show, "Reagan Radio". In the little free time all this leaves him, Jon enjoys playing cheesy games on computers (things along the lines of Tetris and Freecell -- everything else bores him), exploring the Web, pining away about his "one true love" (who does not agree with this definition), watching hockey, writing and reading fiction, playing Magic (he was roped in by a friend) and the standard role-playing games it is usually found with, learning Tae Kwon Do (in which he has only progressed to the yellow stripe faze, and hasn't made it back to since), and, if he can get the money for a drum set, playing with and writing songs for his band-to-be, the Naked Patriots. As far as his actual education goes, Jon is a biological sciences major at Michigan Technological University, focusing on molecular biology. He started out as a chemical engineering major, but soon discovered that it wasn't what he wanted to spend his entire life doing. If all goes well, Jon will graduate with honors from Tech in February of 1997, after a total of slightly less than four years, then move on to a more biology-oriented school to pursue his PhD. Jon can easily be reached via email at jharmon@mtu.edu. Many of his free moments are spent surfing the Web or writing on a word processor, so email is often replied to immediately. %e *EOA* %t Ogden, Utah, USA, Earth %n 2R176 %s Og, City Of The Past %a Alexander E. Cutshall (alexc@xmission.com) %d 19950112 %x Hell %x Earth %i Pain Of Og %i Og, City Of The Past %e Ogden is a city which is between Brigham City and Salt Lake City. This really tells you very little, unless you've actually been to Utah. It's north of Salt Lake City (about 30 Miles), and south of Brigham City. Hoopy it's not. Landmarks --------- There are. You can see them, too. Those areas qualifying are: 1) Union Station, once a hub of transport for the west (Union Pacific), now museumish. 2) The Egyptian Theatre. It's kinda just there, and people have been arguing about what to do with it for the past twenty years. 3) Ogden City Mall. The epitome of shopping in Utah. Big and Dark. 4) Grounds For Coffee. Yes, it's a nationwide chain, but here it's a way of life. 5) Weber State University. Kinda big, lots of people. They have a Burger King. And their own satellite. And a radio station. 6) "Historic" 25th street. Old, nice shops. 7) I-15. An exit point, ever so useful. 8) The Greyhound bus station. Slower exit point. 9) Hollywood Video. New. Lots of videos to help you pass the agonizing hours. 10) Weber County Library. Books. Again, a way to pass your time. Transport --------- 1) A Car. Utah drivers are SCARY!!! Not recommended for beings with low pain threshold. Especially in winter, those who drive are horrifying (in general). 2) The Bus. Weird people use it. It goes almost nowhere you want to be. 3) Levitation. Not good for long distances. 4) Walking. Ok, if you really want. Natural Things -------------- 1) Mountains. Nice to look at. No, really. Nice to look at. 2) The Lake. In winter it's cool. In summer, makes the city stink like rotten brine shrimp. 3) Mountains. Nice to look at. No, really. Nice to look at. Warnings -------- 1) Remember, Ogden is in a temporal rift in which clothing, building styles, and people never really change. 2) Remember how to leave. 3) Leave. Now. Yes, leave Ogden now! 4) Here people look weird at you if you do not drink coffee, as opposed to Provo, where people look weird at you if you drink coffee. In Moab, the coffee evaporates anyway, so no one cares. %e *EOA* %t GAG, Guaranteed Articles Group %n 2R177 %s The Project Galactic Guide Guaranteed Articles Group %d 19950113 %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %i Formerly The Inner Circle (TIC) %i PGGGAG %i An Alter Ego Trip * This is A Genuine Guaranteed Articles Group Article (AGGAGA) * NOTE: Not all of these cross-referenced articles exist as of this date. %x Meulen, Roel Van Der %x Harmon, Jonathan David %x Jakubaas, George %x Andersson, Rickard * %x Onanian, Richard %x Kramer, Jeff %x AAAA %e One gloomy December day in 1994, an alter ego, whom I had hidden away in my brain for quite some time, once again started to make himself known. I call him Dan. I had missed him, for not a lot of articles have come out of my hands lately, and that made me sad. I won't suggest this was the cause of the decrease of incoming articles in Project Galactic Guide, but you must admit there is a connection. Anyway, this day he came back, poking me with ideas. Dan is the great ideaman, responsible for ideas that founded the Ideabank, the Newsletter, and the PGG Weekend. His voice became heard again: "Roel, Roel, you've got to DO something! Activity in The Guide hasn't been this low for a long time. You're lazy, Roel! I've had an idea that might kick your butt and others into writing stuff regularly again." Dan told me the idea and I mailed it to the newsgroup. There were a couple of replies, very enthusiastic. The part of the idea relevant for the GAG to be was that there could be formed a group of authors who would pledge to regularly write articles, a certain amount, for at least a certain period. At that time the name of the group was TIC, The Inner Circle. After the idea had sunk in a bit, and people had come home again after Christmas holidays, I started to recruit members. Soon enough there was a small group of authors, from various different countries who were willing, and who were to become the founding members of this group. They were, and are: George Jakubaas, Jeff Kramer, Jon Harmon, Richard Onanian, Rickard Andersson, and me, Roel van der Meulen. For a while we discussed what the exact activities of the group would be, and after a small sidestep concerning discussions of article ideas in the newsgroup and co-writing articles, it all crystallized to this. The Group will, per period of four weeks called the GAP, the Guaranteed Articles Period, produce equal to or more than 1.5 times of articles for Project Galactic Guide. They will do so for a period of at least four GAPs. When it is impossible for one member to write (enough) in one GAP, the other members will fill in, giving flexibility in holiday periods and such. Anyone who wants to join us, for reasons of stimulating themselves or other, may do so, as long as they are aware of their promise to write an average of 1.5 articles per GAP for at least four GAPs. We communicate by means of a moderated mailing list, that is, you send your message to me (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) and I will forward it to the other members of the group. It is appreciated that when you join, your first article will be about yourself, to present yourself to the other members. We also chose to change the name from TIC to GAG, Guaranteed Articles Group, so it wouldn't sound like we were some elite group trying to take over The Guide, in stead just a cozy subgroup of authors kicking their own butts. Jon invented these GAG and GAP acronyms; he likes to see himself as King Of The Acronyms (KOTA) :-) GAG commenced activities at 19950113 and closed their first GAP at 19950120. Dan is happy now. He has moved to a prominent place in my brain, supplying me with loads and loads of ideas for articles, just like he used to do in the highly productive first half of 1994, and just like your alter egos should be doing, o genuine Field Researchers. %e *EOA* %t Live Action Roleplaying %n 6R9 %s How To Beat People Up, And Get Away With It! %a Tony Blews (hat@mono.org) %d 19950201 %i RPG, Live %k RPG %e "No one knows why it is that dwarfs, who at home in the mountains lead quiet, orderly lives, forget it all when they move to the big city. Something comes over even the most blameless iron-ore miner and prompts him to wear chainmail all the time, carry an axe, change his name to Grabthroat Shinkicker and drink himself into surly oblivion." (Terry Pratchett [1]) Similarly, take a quiet, reserved, Systems Analyst from Stockport called Matthew, put him in a field wearing a chainmail shirt and carrying a rubber sword, and within an hour he'll be declaring himself Matthias, King of the Britons, and quoting Highlander very badly. This is the effect that Live Roleplaying has on people. Live Roleplaying is the subdivision of roleplaying which utilises costumes, imitation weapons, and a lot of hitting each other. No longer need you be confined to kicking seven bells of imaginary stuffing out of you friends, whilst rolling dice at the kitchen table. Now you too can beat them senseless with foam encased broom handle, and get away with it. The live roleplaying games have rules, just like any roleplaying game does, although most roleplaying games don't explicitly ban the use of machetes, bread knives and air rifles. Similarly, with LRP systems, there is no rolling of dice to see if skills work or not. Either they do or they don't, either you hit the Operations Manager from Kent who is pretending to be a troll, or not. Can you imagine Olaf the Hairy charging up to Brian the Saxon and whipping out his trusty d6 to see if he gave him a pasting? Not likely. Common live roleplaying props include a sword, shield, helmet, some form armour, and the highly important tankard. The weaponry must be suitably padded, so as not to injure anyone, and the tankard must be full at all times. Once a year, many live roleplayers feel an irresistable call to a strange land, at the time of the Gathering. The Gathering is an annual live roleplay event held in the UK, operated by the Lorien Trust. It usually tales place somewhere in the Midlands, and attracts up to four thousand people, including a large proportion of Goths and/or people from the computing community. The weekends events usually include hitting people, drinking, hitting more people, and more drinking, culminating in a large battle, usually involving much running about, yelling, screaming and hitting people, but strangely very little drinking. When the hurlyburly's done, when the battle's lost or won [2], everyone goes home until next time, and waits for the bruises to go. [1] Quoted with the permission of the author. [2] Quoted without permission [3]. [3] You wouldn't catch me dead at a seance [4]. [4] Har Har. %e *EOA* %t Crayfishing, The Art Of %n 6R10 %s Catching Crayfish Can Be Exciting And Fun (And Illegal) %a Chris Tann, The (chris_tann@bigfoot.com) %d 19950202 %x Jellyfish, 1001 Uses Of %x Thirty-Seven Ways To Deep Sea Fish With Four Feet Of Dental Floss %e Here is how to catch crayfish, without the expense of buying boats and obtaining licenses: Requirements: A boat. Somebody to own and drive aforementioned boat. A way of being awake at four o'clock in the morning [1]. A little populated but productive crayfishing area. Procedures: Get the boat owner drunk enough so that he will be reckless and devil-may-care, but not so drunk that he will sink the boat on the first available reef. Simply drive around in the boat, pulling up all the cray pots that you can find, and emptying them of all crayfish, irrespective of size, colour or sex. Pitfalls: While the above procedures are not illegal[2], getting caught doing them IS. A certain fat police sergeant had been condemned to life [3] for the heinous crime of being caught doing this. It is also a terribly bad idea to head down to the local Cray-fisherman's bar in the evening, and start off in a loud voice "Hey, guess what _I_ did this morning!" [1] Hitchhiker's recommendation is simply not to go to sleep. [2] Well, maybe a bit. OK, quite a lot really. [3] As a fat police sergeant. %e *EOA* %t Emu Export Lager (TM) %n 6R11 %s It Used To Taste Good, Didn't It? %a Chris Tann, The (chris_tann@bigfoot.com) %d 19950202 %x Beer Hunter, The Game Of %x America's Cup Bandwagon %e Emu Export Lager is a beer produced by the Swan Brewery, in Perth, Western Australia, Earth. It used to be the best beer in the world [1]. In fact, it used to be the ONLY beer in the world [2], aside from Emu Bitter, which was only ever purchased by the people who buy a certain brand of beer simply because it was always the last beer to be stolen from the fridge at parties. In the early days, it was produced in heavy, solid steel cans, making it perfect for playing "Beer Hunter". Unfortunately, a certain famous Australian businessman decided that the cans should be aluminium, firstly to appear more cosmopolitan, and secondly so we could fit more of it on the America's Cup Bandwagon. This ruined the game of Beer Hunter, but on the bright side, it meant that two cartons would come in just under one person's baggage allowance on international flights. More recently, the chemists, botanists and psychologists of Swan Brewery have been playing with the recipe, trying to produce "an even more perfect beer" [3]. This, quite predictably, failed dismally. They succeeded, however, in producing something that tasted like a cross between cat's piss and aluminium shavings, unexpectedly thrusting them into complete dominance of a brand new niche market [4]. [1] Assuming that your world was limited to Perth, Western Australia, Earth. [2] See footnote [1] [3] Unfortunately, the linguists were left out of the discussions. [4] Comprised of people that like beer that tastes like a cross between cat's piss and aluminium shavings, admittedly a rather small niche. %e *EOA* %t Gate Crashers' Entrance, The %n 6R12 %s How To Gate Crash Nonchalantly %a Chris Tann, The (chris_tann@bigfoot.com) %d 19950202 %x Party Hints %x Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version %e The now classic Gate Crasher's Entrance is a useful way to get into a party without knowing anyone, but without those whom you don't know knowing that. Pre-requisites: Some sort of (unopened) alcoholic beverage [1]. Nonchalance. Procedure: Simple. Just stroll into the room as if you know at least half the people, making greeting gestures to occasional chairs, lamps and doors. This is always a good bet, because usually half the people don't know the other half, and assume that this is the half that you know. The other half act likewise. Pitfalls: Don't try this when there are less than four people at the party. [1] Some more experienced Hitchhikers like to apply the "Fat Slag Variant", which consists of filling an empty spirits bottle with an appropriately coloured fluid, and then "accidentally" smashing it on entering the party. %e *EOA* %t Sunglasses, Chris Tann's %n 6R13 %s No Hitchhiker Should Be Without These, Either %a Chris Tann, The (chris_tann@bigfoot.com) %d 19950130 %x Towel, Chris Tann's %i Reflect-o Sunglasses %e Useful Items of Hitch-hikers apparel: Sunglasses. Maybe the sunglasses also bear further description. They were the fashionable "yachty" style sunglasses, roundish Reflect-o sunglasses with little leather flaps that came back to cover the sides of the eyes, making them a little bit like goggles. I had, of course, modified these sunglasses, by taking off the arms, and attaching a loop of elastic to the leather flaps. This made them completely like goggles, had the added benefit that I could sleep with them on, and I never had to worry about breaking the arms, the most fragile point of a pair of sunnies. %e *EOA* %t Towel, Chris Tann's %n 6R14 %s No Hitchhiker Should Be Without One %a Chris Tann, The (chris_tann@bigfoot.com) %d 19950223 %d 19950202 %e Useful Items of Hitchhiker Apparel: The Towel. My towel probably deserves a little more comment. This was my first real travelling towel. We had been to Europe together, we had been in the army together, and we had become inseparable [1]. It was really starting to build up some character, with some lovely stains, each of which bought back memories of a different party or road-trip. It was a simple towel, six foot of plain, light blue (and rather blotchy by this time) towelling, with a fringe of white (well, a dirty grey) at each end. This towel set off on its own adventures on Friday, 13th February 1987, when it hitched a lift after a party, and was never seen again. Luckily enough, I found a small blue piece of fluff under my fingernail, and my Personal Towel Technician (mother) was able to clone me a new towel from this. This towel is now in even worse condition that its parent towel. It is only towel condoms [2] that are stopping it from reproducing [3]. [1] Occasionally due to various sticky and noxious substances. [2] Staples. [3] Towels reproduce by binary division. %e *EOA* %t America's Cup, The %n 6R15 %s A Silly Game To Win A Silly Prize %a Chris Tann, The (chris_tann@bigfoot.com) %d 19950208 %x America's Cup Bandwagon %x Emu Export Lager (TM) %e The America's Cup is a strange shaped vessel, not at all suitable for drinking out of. Crowds of people gather to watch many other people floating around in strange shaped vessels (still not suitable for drinking out of) trying to be first past a certain line. Just why this part is necessary is not too clear, as the Cup is then awarded to the team that can afford the most expensive lawyers. Interesting and important facts: - The strange shaped vessels (the second lot, not the first one) are exactly 12 metres [1]. - It is, unfortunately, no longer compulsory to have a marble bathtub as part of the standard ships equipment. - The name of the Cup is misleading. It is in fact English, but because the first Englishman in the race was more interested in tea and marble bathtubs, the Americans won easily. They won the cup for the following 90 years, until someone else found out how to enter the race. - In circa 1984, a little known state of a little known country finally managed to win the Cup from the Americans. They won it by cheating [2]. Unfortunately, they weren't allowed to rename it "Australia's Cup", or "Bond's Cup" [1] Just what is supposed to be 12 metres is not too clear. Evidently, you need a pan-dimensional tape measure, that can measure length, weight, marble-bathtub quantity and bribes, all at the same time. [2] The New York Yacht Club defines cheating as "Beating us using unfair means, such as better seamanship, better craftsmanship, imagination, devil worship, or illicit drugs [3]. [3] In this case, the illicit drug was Emu Export Lager. %e *EOA* %t America's Cup Bandwagon %n 6R16 %s And How To Get On It %a Chris Tann, The (chris_tann@bigfoot.com) %d 19950208 %x America's Cup, The %e The steps to getting on the America's Cup Bandwagon: Requirements: - A home town with a port, preferably with lots of charm and character. _ Lots of spare cash [2]. - Lots of friends in the local government [3]. Procedure: - Find someone from your local town who can win the America's Cup. - When he wins, get your Prime Minister to say something like "Anyone who sacks someone for not turning up to work tomorrow is a mug". - Buy lots of real-estate near the port, preferably including several pubs with lots of charm and character [4]. - Remove any traces of charm and character, by gutting the buildings, and filling them full of polished wood floors, brass bar rails, and "quaint" yachting paraphernalia. - Buy a brewery and name it after you [5]. - That's it, you're on the Bandwagon! Pit-falls: - Be careful of [2] and [3], or you could wind up as a Siberian scrap-metal merchant. Alternatives: Hitchhikers with less ambition can simply make cheap and tacky souvenirs with a yachty theme, and flog them to American and Japanese tourists. Although a little lower profile, it doesn't matter, you'll still be on the bandwagon. [1] Just what is supposed to be 12 metres is not too clear. Evidently, you need a pan-dimensional tape measure, that can measure length, weight, marble-bathtub quantity and bribes, all at the same time. [2] Not necessarily yours. [3] Maybe they can help with [2]? [4] For real pros, you can try this step first. [5] Optional, and probably only possible if you actually win the America's Cup yourself. %e *EOA* %t Jakubaas, George %n 2R178 %s GAG Author #6: Guaranteed Absolutely Genuine %a George Jakubaas (jakubaas@ragehard.limmat.net.ch) %d 19950119 %x GAG, Guaranteed Articles Group %e George Jakubaas was born in the year 1968 in Zurich, Switzerland, Earth, as the second son of his mother and his father, who are pretty OK and don't like fennel. In the first year, nothing happened. At the end of his second year on earth, he became two years old. Nobody knows what happened on his first birthday; he asserts that he doesn't remember any details but that it had something to do with potato salad and a bottle of ink. Time passed and he attended school, pretended to learn and become more and more educated as his teachers went into early retirement. He found out a very important thing when he was 9 years old: he liked music. And he liked LOUD music. So he emptied the kitchen of all pots and pans available to build himself a drum kit. Many children do that. But this one was to last. He convinced his parents, by forcing them to hunger due to lack of pots and pans to cook in and continuous torture by deafening noise, to buy him a blue-metallic, real, big, amazing, smashing drum kit. Since then, GJ knows that hitting plastic-foil covered pots with wooden sticks is the real thing! CRASH! BOOM! BANG! At the age of 13 he left for Germany to attend a boarding school where he spent eight foggy, hazy, and absolutely strange years and graduated almost without knowing it. There too: CRASH BOOM BANG and some concerts. In the eighth year of his daze he met a beautiful girl with red hair and he felt so much for her that two years later he married her. After checking out the University in Wurzburg, Germany, and deciding that computer science is not the real thing for him to learn, he started a career at the Zurcher Kantonalbank in Zurich as a programmer. He worked long, he worked hard, and after two years, he found himself as a programmer and system administrator of two extremely lovely RS/6000 Unix machines which he still loves very much and refers to as "his babies." Concerning babies, in 1992 his daughter, Anita Michelle, was born in Zurich and she will outrun her father in beauty and smartness for sure! An extremely difficult task! In 1994, GJ found out that pulling back a wooden stick hooked onto a wire which is attached on both ends to an even thicker wooden stick, and releasing the thinner wooden stick in a sudden motion, is as interesting as drumming. So that's what he does now every week. Other people call it archery. Beside that, he's got three pets: two cats and his computer. Sometimes he likes his computer more than his cats because the computer does what GJ wants (well, at least most of the time), doesn't chew on his beloved palm trees, doesn't steal any food from the table, doesn't scratch the wallpaper to confetti, and doesn't lose hair which has the disgusting habit of hovering in the air and sticking to everything that comes by, especially on dark clothes. This is GJ's life. There's more, but it's either boring, or private. Or both. GJ hopes that all this information about himself helps to understand his desperate efforts to write. He calls the results of these efforts "articles." "George, do you have anything else to add?" "If you would just be kind enough to help me out of this jacket so I could use my hands and..." "Thank you George! Here, have a GAG!" %e *EOA* %t Michigan, USA, Earth %n 2R179 %s Give Us A Hand %a Jonathan David Harmon (jharmon@mtu.edu) * Brought to you by the GAG (no witty acronym here) %d 19950213 %i Great Lake State, The %x Harmon, Jonathan David %x Clio, Michigan, USA, Earth %x Earth %e When looking at any map of the US (or, in most cases, Earth), one area which often catches the eye is the state known as Michigan. This is mostly because the state is made up of two peninsulas, the lower of which resembles a giant mitten. The shape of the Lower Peninsula of Michigan makes it easy to locate (generally) any city in Michigan using only one's hands. To do this, hold out your right hand, palm up, with the fingers pointing away from you. Place your left hand in front of your right, with the fingers pointing to your right. Line the middle finger of your right hand up with the connection between the pinky finger of your left hand. After representing Michigan in this way, simply point to the spot on either hand of which you speak. Houghton, for instance (the city in which my university, Michigan Tech, is located), is on the first joint of the left thumb, while Clio (my home town), is just right and down from the center of the right hand. Michigan is famous throughout the world for two things, both of which are produced in great quantities in Detroit, it's largest city: automobiles and crime. Detroit usually ranks in the top ten in the United States for murder rates, and most car companies have their headquarters in Detroit. Whether or not their is any connection is unknown. The capital city of Michigan is Lansing, a city suitably distant from Detroit to be nice, but not so far away as to be unreachable. Most of the cities in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (known as the U.P.), however, are exactly that far away. Students of the universities of the U.P, primarily Michigan Technological University, like to brag to others about how far away their school is, while whining to each other about the trip home. Joining the Lower and Upper Peninsulas is the Mackinaw Bridge, one of the largest bridges in the world. The bridge is a five mile long suspension bridge spanning the Straits of Mackinaw, a narrow region connecting Lake Michigan to Lake Huron. Michigan borders the states of Wisconsin, Indiana, and Ohio, as well as the country of Canada. The rest of it is surrounded by four of the five Great Lakes: Lake Michigan, Lake Huron, Lake Superior, and Lake Erie. The only Great Lake it doesn't touch is Lake Ontario. %e *EOA* %t Passive Drinking %n 2R180 %s A Pointless Experiment To While Away A Sunday Evening %a Tony Blews (hat@mono.org) %d 19950131 %e The dangers of Passive Smoking have been known for a good few years now. Passive Smoking can cause lung cancer, bronchitis and heart disease, just like Active Smoking, but tastes bloody awful. Theorizing that Passive Drinking might be possible, I carefully conducted the following experiment. Materials Used -------------- 14 pounds sterling 1 public house 8 pints of Guinness A large proportion of a Sunday Night Preparation ----------- The sum of fourteen pounds sterling was withdrawn from my bank account, and upon arrival in the public house was exchanged for eight pints of Guinness. The drinks were then place upon the bar. Experiment and Observations --------------------------- The Experiment commenced at 20.00 hours. At fifteen minute intervals, a measurement of intoxication was taken, by attempting to say the phrase "She sells sea shells on the sea shore" three times, until two hours had elapsed. The results are recorded below. Time Intoxication Notes ----- ------------ --------------------------------------------- 20.00 None Experiment Starts. 20.15 None Funny looks from bar staff. 20.30 None More funny looks. 20.45 None Asked, "What on Earth are you doing?" 21.00 None Attempted Drink Theft occurs 21.15 None Start to find lack of intoxication disturbing 21.30 None Looking forward to finishing this 21.45 None Oh no, the DJ is playing Madness 22.00 None Experiment terminated. Conclusion ---------- From the above results, it can be determined that passive drinking is: 1) Safe 2) Utterly Pointless Addendum -------- The experiment did, however, present one small problem. What can you do with eight pints of Guinness, with only 30 minutes to closing time, and still be able to walk home? %e *EOA* %t Acronyms %n 2R181 %s Some Words About Acronyms, And Their Usage %a Rickard Andersson (rickard@softlab.se) %d 19951027 %x AAAA %x CASIP And AAAAAAA %x Abbreviations, List Of %x Abbreviations %e An acronym is an abbreviation which sounds like it could be a word on its own. And an abbreviation is a short way of saying something longer with a smaller set of characters than was necessary without the abbreviation. Here is an example of an acronym, FUBAR = Fucked up beyond all recognition. You say FUBAR as a word on its own. Here is an example of an abbreviation, TLA = Three letter acronym. You don't say TLA as a word, instead you say the three letters one at the time. For a list of abbreviations (where some are acronyms) check out my article titled _Abbreviations, List Of_. %e *EOA* %t Broomball %n 2R182 %s The Sport That's Sweeping The Globe %a Jonathan David Harmon (jharmon@mtu.edu) * An Article by the Guaranteed Articles Group Acronym Guy (AGAGAG) %d 19950217 %x Harmon, Jonathan David %e Throughout the planet (and, as well as we can guess, the Galaxy), people have created various sports with which to waste their time. Some of the more famous Earth sports include baseball, hockey, football (American), and soccer (known to all non-Americans as football). These all have complex rules and histories and boring things like that. One sport which is far from this list, and also far superior due to its minimization of the rule books, is broomball. Broomball was most likely invented by drunk Americans working their way through college as janitors. The sport involves using a broom to hit a small ball (as well as opponents) around an ice rink toward goals at either end of the ice. Broomball is very similar to hockey, but lacking in a few respects: fewer pads, fewer rules, and absolutely no skates. Footwear modified in any way to allow easy travel on the ice is forbidden. This prevents people from moving fast enough to actually kill one another, although the occasional broken bone is not uncommon. The game consists of two forty minute halves, and any ties are played out in a series of five minute sudden-death overtimes. In its modern form, broomball involves more than normal brooms; there is also a great deal of duct tape. The brooms are wrapped in the stuff until they are actually more tape than actual organic fiber. Because of the propensity of engineers to use large amounts of duct tape, it is not surprising that one of the largest broomball leagues exists on the campus of Michigan Technological University, an engineering school. It is not uncommon to tape uniquely useful and/or lucky brooms back together with upwards of a role of duct tape. Unfortunately, due to safety constraints set by university bureaucrats, helmets are now worn. This has had the pleasant affect of actually increasing the violence, however, as the players no longer fear the loss of the ability to form sentences. This has also caused the refs to call even fewer penalties, resulting in rules such as "checking from behind" being mostly ignored. %e *EOA* %t Essay Questions %n 2R183 %s Guide To Essay-Type Questions %a Chris Thomas (C.P.Thomas@cs.bham.ac.uk) * Additional writing: * Darren Chapple (D.M.Chapple@cs.bham.ac.uk) * Anthony Whitford (A.H.Whitford@cs.bham.ac.uk) %d 19950214 %i Writing Essays %x Prolific Writing %x Writers' Block %e 95% of essay questions contain certain words which reveal how much work is required for an "A" grade. For example: The neural activity patterns of some species of South American Tree Frog is significantly greater than that of the typical European computer scientist. Discuss. This article presents a fairly comprehensive guide to those key phrases, and the number of words you will need to write in such essay questions. List ==== Number of Words: 20 Use no structure at all, simply list the points required. Extra marks may sometimes be given, by some lecturers, for fancy bullets. The shaded blue circle is always a favourite. Identify ======== Number of Words: 50 As above, but attempt to link items in sequence, possibly giving a reason why. Bullet points may still merit additional marks. Outline ======= Number of Words: 200 Here's where the real work begins. Identify the key points, but this time, say something apparently relevant about each. Crayons or thick marker pens do not usually work well with this question style. Describe ======== Number of Words: 600 As above, but think about the exact words your lecturer used when presenting this topic in class. Discuss ======= Number of Words: 2000 The most favourite essay question type. The good marks can only be achieved by voicing your own opinion on the subject matter. In the probable case when you don't have your own opinion, use the opinions stated by any of the recommended texts' authors. Be assertive; make it sound like you know what you're talking about. Explain ======= Number of Words: 4000 As Discuss, but give more detail, using examples and colourful diagrams. Examiners always favour diagrams which have been given the "3D look." Don't forget the accepted format of essays (however stupid it may seem) which is - introduction, main body, conclusion - which really means, "say what you're going to talk about", "talk about it", and "say what you just talked about." Prove ===== Number of Words: 5000 Kak yourself! This is damn hard. Carefully examine the question which should give you the answer you need to prove. Write down lots of complicated math formulas, then write the three dots (meaning therefore) and write down the answer (which you got from the question) and underline it. With any luck your exam paper will be in the middle of the pile. As the examiner becomes more bored, they read less and less of the answers. By the time they get to your paper, they will only look at the last line of your proof. Therefore, Get Lots of Marks = True ======================== Briefly Waffle ============== Number of Words: 10,000 Relax, this is much easier than it sounds. Write at speed, anything that comes into your head based on a few key words that you may remember from the lectures. Waffle ====== Number of Words: 20,000 As Briefly Waffle, but this time note, that a bit of revision could not go amiss. It's a bummer, but that's life. Waffle in Depth =============== Number of Words: 30,000+ This is often referred to in some texts as an ICD or "Information Core Dump." Write down everything you know about anything, making sure to find clever links to totally irrelevant topics. Note that above statements may be appended or prepended by "in depth" or "briefly." Adjust our word estimate by +/-10% as appropriate. Waffle is, obviously, a special case. %e *EOA* %t Chickamauga, Georgia, USA, Earth %n 2R184 %a John W. Libby (75477.243@compuserve.com) %d 19950125 %x Earth %e History ------- From the Creek word for "river of blood," Chickamauga is the site of one of the bloodiest battles of the civil war. This battle was particularly significant in history as paving the way for "Sherman's March" through Georgia which allowed the destruction of one of the major strongholds of the South, Atlanta. Sightseeing/Tourist Attractions ------------------------------- There is a military park on the battleground, with periodical reenactments, there are bicycle trails, historical monuments, and on Independence Day there is a symphonic presentation known as "Pops In The Park." Spots to Avoid -------------- The actual city of Chickamauga, which is worse than Twin Peaks. There is one red light, five or six Barney Fife look-alikes, and a whole slew of Deliverance types. Avoid at All Costs ------------------ A man with a big nose named "Sonny Day." Experiences delusions of grandeur concerning the town of Chickamauga and his particular role in it (Principal of local school). %e *EOA* %t Ford Aspire, The %n 2R185 %s An Error In Car-Naming Judgment %a John R. Palmer (joropa@io.org) %d 19950210 * %x Cars %i Aspire, Ford %e Ford Motors of North America has released a new sub-compact car called "Aspire." Seemingly based upon the Opal-engineered car that used to be sold as the "Passport Optima" and then in the early 90's as a Pontiac, the Aspire has the typical rounded bubble-car looks that Ford seems to think that we need more of. It comes in a lovely array of designer colours (sorry, I will not be caught dead in a purple car, or at least in this purple) that are meant to attract the eye of young car buyers. "Aspire" is a rather interesting name to give a car. Rather than an object, such as a Lynx or Mustang, or even the heavily tested composites of syllables such as Integra or Celica, Ford has given this car a name that seems to reflect an emotional state. We are often asked, "what do you aspire to be," and our parents have aspirations for us to be doctors, lawyers, happy, healthy, successful, etc. Maybe we aspire to drive a Ford Aspire? What marketing! Perhaps it is Ford that is aspiring to be a successful car company again, and hoping that the Aspire will lead them there. The problem with the name Aspire is this: look up the word aspire in a French dictionary. Go ahead, turn to the French half and find the word "aspirer." Tell me what it means. If you do not have a French dictionary, I will tell you. "Aspirer" means "to inhale." Now, pull out your Thesaurus and look up "inhale." Here you will find the following synonyms: breathe in, puff, suck. Yes, the 1995 Ford Sucks, perfect! Maybe Ford has finally gotten the idea, and are admitting to their shortfalls! Maybe the car-naming gurus at Ford were looking for new jobs anyway, so naming the car was just their way of getting a severance package? I remember the movie "Crazy People" when they were making up new slogans for cars such as "Volvo: Boxy, not Sexy" or "You can't have sex in a Porsche, but you will when you get out." How about "People might think that you suck so why not buy a Ford Aspire and prove it". Thank you, Ford Motors, I'll stick to my Saturn SL1. %e *EOA* %t Boskoop, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth %n 2R186 %s Village Of Gardens %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19950221 * Again A Genuine Guaranteed Articles Group Article (AAGGAGA) * %x Waddinxveen, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth %x Netherlands, Earth %x Earth %x Boredom %x Amsterdam, Noord-Holland, Netherlands, Earth %i Mostly Harmless %e In our series of boring places I will now tell about a slightly, slightly less boring place: Boskoop. This is again a place that you can accidently drive past, for instance in a bus going somewhere entirely different, but when you pass it it is worth while to open those eyes, heavy with boredom induced sleep, and look around a bit in the few minutes you're there (believe me, that's enough). How to recognize you're in Boskoop? Well, first by the signs at the "city" limits, but in your drowsiness you've probably missed those. Okay then, I'll describe the town . Boskoop is a bit smaller than its neighbouring town Waddinxveen. It is in a similar way stretched along the channel Gouwe, which is something like its axis. It's got the very same raising bridge (hefbrug) as Waddinxveen and Alphen aan den Rijn. The main industry of Boskoop is the cultivation of lawn flora. This is done on narrow, very long stretches of land perpendicular to the Gouwe. The owners of these nurseries advertise by using their products in their own garden. The gardens are not very large, but very pleasing to the eye. This was what made it worth the bother of opening your eyes. You can close them now. Some years ago a plan was presented to create a forest on parts of Boskoop that are used for agriculture. This was heavily opposed by the farmers. The Bent Forest (Bentwoud -- I can't help the ridiculous translation) probably even to this day is the main issue in local politics. Boskoop is also a bit of a commuters town, but with less facilities than Waddinxveen. There is one exception: pubs. Don't think too much of it; it is very easy to beat Waddinxveen with that. Also very popular is Jansen's ice-cream store, close to the bridge. Small, but all the townsfolk seem to hang out there. How to get there: Boskoop lies somewhere along the railway line from Gouda to Alphen aan den Rijn, and also along the road parallel to it from Gouda to Amsterdam. Several bus lines go through it as well. Remember, stay in the bus -- that's enough. %e *EOA* %t Exaggeration %n 2R187 %s One Of The Best Ways To Get What You Want %a Jeff Kramer (lthumper@bga.com) %d 19950216 %e Exaggeration. Blowing something out of proportion. For example... "Hey buddy, you want that jelly donut?" "Umm, yes. I bought it, didn't I..." "Well, yeah you did. I was just thinking about that jelly donut. You know what they put in those things, don't you?" "No, what do they put in these donuts?" (Terribly disgusting and exaggerated story about donut making.) "Oh really? I didn't know that... that's very sick and disgusting. I think I'll puke now. Would you hold my donut?" Thereby you gain a donut, and your unfortunate victim looses his lunch. The best way to exaggerate is to make the thing your exaggerating so unbelievable that there is no way to refute it. This technique works well, unless you can't maintain your believe-ability. If you don't look like you believe in what your talking about, they won't either. Exaggeration is an ability that works best when you've practiced it. Look around. If there is someone nearby, go up to them and try to convince them that salmon really don't swim upstream, it just looks that way. That it's a government plot to keep tourists coming to nature reserves. Some good lines would be: "Have you ever seen a salmon swim upstream? Do you know why they would swim upstream?" "No, they just do." "Oh, they've convinced you too..." Remember, sincerity! %e *EOA* %t Taco Bell %n 2R188 %s Cross The Border! %a Jeff Kramer (lthumper@bga.com) %d 19950216 %i Food, Cheap And Fast %x Delivered Pizza, Grand Unification Theory Of %e For the Earth bound hitchhiker one of the most important things to keep is money. First of all, most of us don't have much of it. Second of all, you want to hold on to it as long as you can. Taco Bell is a wonderful place to hold on to some of that money. For less than four dollars you can get quite full. But now, a few helpful hints. 1) Get the small drink. You can get free refills, so anything bigger than a small is a waste of money. If you can, and you have no conscience, you can swipe somebody else's cup. 2) Always sit where you can see the drive-thru (if they have one). Some very strange people go through drive-thrus, and spending an hour sipping diet Pepsi and watching a drive-thru can be quite entertaining. Almost as fun as getting lawyers very drunk and letting them loose in a court room. 3) Go up to someone at random, stare at them, and ask, "are you running for the border?" 4) Sing the Taco Bell song. If you feel intimidated, just hum it. 5) The hot sauce. The "mild" salsa packet has 1 calorie in it, and the "hot" salsa has 2 calories in it. Therefore, you could ingest 1000 packets "hot" of salsa and have a regular 2000 calorie intake. Oh, be sure to grab a lot of ice. There are also are some pre-graduates at several Universities working on a variation of the Grand Unified Theory of Pizza, named the Grand Unified theory of Soft Tacos. The amount of the lettuce is directly invertedly related to how satisfying the taco is. %e *EOA* %t Early To Bed, Early To Rise ..... %n 6R17 %s Let's Set The Record Straight %a Chris Tann, The (chris_tann@bigfoot.com) %d 19950221 %e Early To Bed, Early To Rise ..... .... makes _this_ particular man grumpy and irritable. Just thought that I would set the record straight. %e *EOA* %t Zapping %n 6R18 %s How To Avoid Television Commercials %a Rickard Andersson (rickard@softlab.se) %d 19950223 * This is a GAG product (my third) %i Channel Surfing %x Acronyms %x Television Addiction %e Zapping is one way to avoid being contaminated by all the television commercials that most TV channels are polluting the air with. There exist other possibilities for a person that wants to avoid television commercials. One drastic solution is to sell your TV, which in any case known to mankind has been 100 per cent successful, but also quite boring. Another way to avoid TV commercials is to only watch those TV channels that are broadcasting without any interruptions for commercials. This works, but will limit your options when searching for an interesting channel. So, in this article we will deal with zapping as it has become the best solution for most people. You will need these items: 1) A device that can receive one or more television channels. Most people use a TV for this. 2) A remote control that is functioning. Although some people regard a remote control as a luxury item, the use of one is vital for comfortable zapping. 3) Something that can press the buttons on the remote control. Here people prefer a human hand, and for easy control I suggest one that is connected to your current body. When you have collected the necessary items, you can continue reading this article, where the idea behind zapping can be explained. Read carefully and return to the previous sections when you are in doubt. Follow these steps when practice zapping: 1) Place yourself so that you can observe what's happening on the TV screen. 2) Turn the TV on. 3) Select one of the TV channels. 4) Wait until you recognise that a commercial is being broadcast. (This can be tricky to see but after some years of practice most people can detect when a commercial is seen.) 5) Push one of the buttons on the remote control to change to another TV channel. 6) Watch the new TV channel now visible on the screen. 7) If you find that the new channel is transmitting commercials as well, you have to redo from step 5. 8) When you have found a channel that isn't showing a commercial right now, you can continue watching until a commercial appears. 9) If a commercial become visible, you have to go back to step 5. 10) When you get to this step, go back to step 5. Zapping can of course be used in a wider sense then just avoiding commercials on TV. It covers every switch you make between TV channels: between commercials or not. And you don't have to use a remote control. You could use telekinesis or maybe a long stick for controlling the buttons on the TV. There are some more or less serious problems that arise when you get used to zapping between the TV channels: 1) The most notable problem with zapping is that whenever you start to zap you can't seem to stop. This can be most annoying, and much willpower must be used to minimize the time spent zapping. 2) Simultaneous watching of two or more TV channels can make your eyes and brain deny access to their basic functionality. Here is a classic case of overloading which can be avoided after some training. You have to start with two channels that you are zapping between, and then add one more channel at the time. Remember, an expert can watch four channels at the same time. 3) The TV can give up and stop working, because you have put a blunt object through its screen, because while zapping you couldn't find any TV channels that didn't show you commercials all evening. 4) The remote control can suddenly be missing. If this happens, try to be calm and do a rational search of the surroundings. Most often the remote is tired of your continuously zapping and can be found hiding on the floor. 5) If more then one person is present or if you are a bit schizophrenic, a problem can arise about which channel should be visible on the TV. Violence is often the only way to solve this problem. 6) Repetitive strain injures in the hand that performs the action of pushing the buttons on the remote control that you use to control the TV screen you are watching. The acronym for this condition is RSI. Remember to practice your zapping skills on a regular basis. You don't want to wake up in front of an unbearable commercial realising that you have forgotten how to zap with the remote control. Happy zapping :-) %e *EOA* %t TV People %n 6R19 %s The Guest Stars Of Life %a Jonathan David Harmon (jharmon@mtu.edu) * This article was brought to you by the letters G, A, and G * %d 19950217 %x Harmon, Jonathan David %e In life, as in TV, there are many players. There's the star (the person whose life it is), the co-stars (the friends, relatives, employers, etc. of the star), and then there are the rest; the people who seem to only exist for a few "episodes" of life. These are TV people. TV people are often stereotypical in some vital way. Examples of these are the Perfect Woman, the Total Geek, and the Preppie Classmate. The Perfect Woman will often be encountered at a party, at which the star will become completely smitten with her. She is then (normally) never seen again, and the star keeps her locked away in his mind somewhere, hoping that perhaps she will appear again. She doesn't definitely have to be amazingly beautiful (although she typically is); she just happens to be exactly what the star has always hoped for. The Total Geek generally has a smaller role. They might exist in many "episodes," perhaps as the person in the back of the class who never really talks much. They tend to look very odd, dress funny, and carry large quantities of books, as only seems to happen on TV. These people could be on the "show" for years as regular characters without ever being given a name. The Preppie Classmate is often similar, however he or she tends to act more as a foil for the star, always making him feel inferior in some way. This person will generally look much older than he or she actually is, have perfect skin, and drive a very expensive car. Again, this character doesn't need to ever be given a name; he or she just exists. "Special episodes" of life tend to be loaded with TV People. A good example of this is high school graduation. I personally graduated with at least twenty people who I'd never seen before in my life, quite a feat since I'd supposedly been going to school with them for years. Another such example would be the first day of school at a university; many people could be encountered who one might never see again. I have personally lived with people all year who I've only seen a few times; I know they're around, but I don't ever see them. Any time when many people are brought together, there is a potential for at least one TV person to be introduced. Many people live surrounded by TV people for many years without even noticing. When this term is first introduced, the person hearing it for the first time tends to be sceptical. After considering it for a moment, however, the truth of the matter tends to show itself. %e *EOA* * * End of file: REAL09.NEW * Share and Enjoy! *