* * Archive: REAL11.NEW * * Created on: Tue Aug 3 15:24:41 1999 * * Number of articles: 25 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to find * an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * SLussier-1 Lussier, Stephane * 2R197-1 Pulse, 101 Uses For The Pink Floyd Album * 2R198-1 Pedestrian Crossings In High Street Kensington, London, England, UK * 6R38-1 Belgian Boy, The Little * 6R39-1 Eiffel Tower, The * 2R199-1 Shopping, After Midnight * 2R200-1 Idioms And Idiots With The English Language * 2R201-1 Restaurant At The End Of The Universe, Nagarkot, Nepal, Asia, Earth * 6R40-1 Turnhout, Belgium, Europe, Earth * 6R41-1 Love; If You Really Loved Me, You Wouldn't ... * 6R42-1 Stockport, Close To Manchester, Grim North, England, UK, Earth * 6R43-1 Beavis And Butthead * 6R44-1 English, Understanding Spoken * 6R45-1 Gotska Sandoen, Sweden, Earth * 2R202-1 Jolt Cola * 2R203-1 Fourqueux, Yvelines, France, Earth * 2R204-1 Hiking In France, Earth * 8R1-1 MOOs And MUDs * 2R205-1 Signature Files * 7R1-1 Luton, England, UK, Earth * 7R2-1 Outside The Ram's Head, Disley Near Manchester, England, UK, Earth * 7R3-1 The 1970s Revival, Just Outside Watford, England, UK, Earth * 7R4-1 Hazel Grove, Near Manchester, England, UK, Earth * 7R5-1 Pseudonym, A Really Great Guy (With Fan Club) * 7R6-1 University Of Virginia, Charlottesville, Virginia, USA, Earth * %t Lussier, Stephane %n 2R196 %s The First 316 Months Or So Of Stephane Lussier's Existence %a Stephane Lussier (harmless@mostly.com) %d 19950630 %x Cool Camping %e Without actually being told what life was supposed to be about, Stephane Lussier was thrown out into the physical world on the sixteenth day of a chilly February afternoon. It was 1969. The time: 13h14. The Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada, planet unknown. The experience must have been traumatic since he can't seem to remember what happened that day. He had a normal happy childhood. Made a few friends. Received a chunk of paint in his right eye. Ruined a kitchen sink. Got kicked in the right eye by a four-year-old foot. Watched the building on the other side of the street take in fire. Was hit in the right eye with the edge of a broom stick. Fried a few grasshoppers with a giant magnifying-glass. Normal happy childhood. But somehow, strangers always thought that something was wrong with him. Which isn't such a bother to him since he always thought that there was something wrong with the others. I guess that's what happens to you when you don't mix too much with the crowd. He was a decent student until he finished high school; he received his honorary certificate almost every year. But as his studies became more serious, his road became more erratic. He studied pure and applied sciences, theoretical computer science, human sciences, followed by management computer science. At 26, he's still an undergraduate and trying to figure out what went wrong. He received his first computer at age 15: a Timex Sinclair 1000 (also known as ZX81). The same year, he was introduced to roleplaying games. Roleplaying games led him to cartooning and cartooning led him to draw those multiple t-shirt logos and mascot proposals for Project Galactic Guide. It would seem like the Project is encouraging him to write a bit more. He would like to apply his "talents" to other uses and he's collecting all sort of ideas for cartoons and stories. Culturally speaking, Stephane grew up watching TV from five different cultures: English Canada, French Canada, France, UK and USA. We could say that Douglas Adams is the author who stimulated him to read a bit more, which wasn't a very popular thing to do in his family. He occasionally reads more serious stuff. His vision in his right eye is somewhat blurrier than in his left one. %e *EOA* %t Pulse, 101 Uses For The Pink Floyd Album %n 2R197 %s Album Packaging At Its Worst %a Alex McLintock (alex@arcfan.demon.co.uk) %d 19950618 %i Pink Floyd Albums: Pulse %e After some twenty-eight years in the rock and roll business you might expect that supergroup Pink Floyd would be beyond needing gimmicks to sell their albums. But no. Their latest release at time of writing is a cunningly packaged and expensive collection of live performances of classic Floyd songs. You would have thought that since Pink Floyd are quite capable of selling out Earl's Court [1] they could sell enough copies of an album to keep their royalties rolling in. Unfortunately for us we have to suffer some smart-alec publicity manager [2] who came up with the idea for Pulse. For those of you who haven't seen it - the box for the CD Pulse contains a red LED which flashes at a constant rate. The packaging notes explain that the battery will run out after six months. The packaging even suggests that you find other uses for the box. It suggests that you can use it to slow your own pulse or you can put it in your car as a substitute for a car alarm. In the recycling tradition that grew with the eighties, here are other uses for the packaging to Pulse. 1) You can put it on your amplifier and pretend that it is a graphic equalizer. 10) You can strap it to your push bike as a warning light when riding at night. 11) You can hang it above a baby's crib as a fascinating mobile. 100) You can wait for the battery to fail so that you know when six months have passed since you bought Pulse. 101) You can use it to give people epileptic fits. And you can use it to count in binary. [1] I said "selling out Earl's Court", and not "selling bits of the Earl's Court stands until the audience sat on it and it collapsed." [2] I hope it was some suit's idea and not one of the band. [3] I must admit that I haven't heard Pulse nor gone to any Pink Floyd concert, but I have most of their albums. %e *EOA* %t Pedestrian Crossings In High Street Kensington, London, England, UK %n 2R198 %s Interesting Street Furniture %a Alex McLintock (alex@arcfan.demon.co.uk) %d 19950614 %e So you are visiting London and looking for a fun time? The best way to get around London is on foot with a Travelcard for getting onto buses and underground trains. At some point however you will need to cross a road. High Street Kensington is a Mecca for fashionable shops and if you go there check out my favourite pedestrian crossing. It is at the North East end. In the UK you press a button at about stomach height on the traffic light and a sign saying "wait" lights up. I mean, why? If you are bothered enough to press a button to change the lights then you are probably aren't going to jump out in front of a car. A few seconds later the traffic lights change to red, and a green walking man lights up. You don't get the "Walk" / "Don't Walk" signs in the UK. To aid blind and partially sighted people there is usually a beeping sound signifying that it is safe to cross (assuming that the traffic stops at the red light). The reason why this is my favourite pedestrian crossing is that the beeping sound is almost exactly the same as the sound effects in the original Space Invaders arcade game. Try it and see. %e *EOA* %t Belgian Boy, The Little %n 6R38 %s _HOW_ Big Is It? %a Chris Tann, The (chris_tann@bigfoot.com) %d 19950510 %x Eiffel Tower, The %e Ever seen the "Landmark" of Brussels? A two foot high black statue of a boy pissing into a pond. Where's the artistic merit in that? I saw souvenir shops selling replicas that were _twice_ the size of the real thing. But, ask a tourist what the landmark of Brussels is, and he will surely point to this statue, rather than the beautiful and artistic palace facade in the main square. %e *EOA* %t Eiffel Tower, The %n 6R39 %s Scaffolding Without A Building %a Chris Tann, The (chris_tann@bigfoot.com) %d 19950510 %x Belgian Boy, The Little %e Sometime around the turn of the century, the enterprising city of Paris decided to host the Great World Expo. It is a little known fact that the plans for this Expo included the building of a life-size reproduction of the famous Colossus of Rhodes. This was a brave plan, and would make the world forget about those damned English and their accursed Crystal Palace [1]. However, the Architect In Charge sadly under-estimated the time required for such an erection [2], and had just completed the supporting scaffolding by the time the Expo opened. A cunning Parisian businessman, by the name of Monsieur Eiffel, saved the day, by sticking a top on it, and pretending that the scaffolding was what they had intended to build in the first place. Unfortunately, the parents of the said M. Eiffel had not been strict enough with him as a child, and consequently, he had never learned to clean up after himself. The result of this is that instead of demolishing the scaffolding at the end of the Expo, as per the original plan, it just sort of got left there. The Eiffel tower still [3] stands today, unchanged except for the addition of a few dozen restaurants, a few thousand tons of pigeon shit, and a few million tourists. It blends in with its environment about as well as a nun in a nudist camp [4], and its only redeeming features are that you can see it from quite a long way off, and that people make a lot of money selling crap Eiffel Tower paper weights. Still, it's better than what Brussels has. Notes-des-pieds [1] Which just "happened" to burn down around this time [2] Apologies to Mrs Slocum and Finbar Saunders [3] Incredibly [4] Sorry Sisters %e *EOA* %t Shopping, After Midnight %n 2R199 %s The Best Time To Browse The Racks %a Jeff Kramer (lthumper@bga.com) %d 19950702 %e People who shop after midnight are a particular breed. There aren't many places for one to shop after midnight, mostly composed of grocery stores and convenience marts. The convenient thing about shopping at odd hours is that there is no one to impress. So-called "Normal People" actually have the idyllic delusion that they might run into someone that they have the need of impressing. Thus, the people that you see browsing the racks at 2 in the AM aren't the kind of people you see on "Lifestyles of the Rich and Delusioned" -- they're more the kind of people you happen across in the pages of National Geographic passed out on the sidewalks of Debuke. This makes it the perfect time for your given hitchhiker to catch a ride, since most of these people have had their egos stomped on so by society that they are willing to help out anyone who will give them the time of day. There are certain people you should avoid, as a rule. The first of these is the Housewife. The Housewife will appear as if she is straight out of a bad Rosanne clone, and is usually armed with either mace, or pictures of her kids. Either of these could be very detrimental to your health. The second is the Lost Lover. The Lost Lover is usually in search of alcohol. While this can be good, the alcohol in question can often be wine, and they may just be on a quick trip to stock up, and will be so occupied with thoughts of what awaits him and his bottle of love, he will respond to any attempt to divert his path with possibly deadly force. The third, and possibly most dangerous, is the "Normal Person" that is just accidently out after midnight, and is scared that if anyone sees them, they will be embarrassed forever, and will interpret any attempts at introduction as violent, since they have also been shown what kind of people inhabit stores after midnight on "Cops." As long as you stay away from these three groups, your visits to stores after midnight should be very happy and prosperous. %e *EOA* %t Idioms And Idiots With The English Language %n 2R200 %s Linguistic Conventions And Why You Should Stick To Them %a Ira Struebel (istruebe@urz-mail.uni-heidelberg.de) %d 19950702 %e When encountering English-speaking human beings and initializing communication, it is very important to follow linguistic convention. First of all this means that in order to be understood it does not make any sense to try and be creative in terms of changing the arbitrary, but nevertheless conventional, relation between form and meaning. So if you intend to inquire the way to the next bar, asking "Honey, will you please paint my Lederhosen purple" won't do; at least you are very unlikely to receive what might be called a satisfactory answer -- even though you have taken great caution to say "please" as your Mum always told you to. (On the other hand you might learn a lot about the human psyche). Yet, if you need a drink really badly, it is much more effective to stick to conventions. Linguistic convention is quite a tricky thing since it varies with the time and place you encounter a person as well as with the person's cultural background. You might have struggled for a long time to get your vocabulary straight and you might have accepted that what in your language means "I feel you are al really nice person" means in English "Do you mind if I poke out your right eyeball and chew on it for five minutes," but once you enthusiastically go for some practice, you are bound to realize that it is not that easy. In order to illustrate the complexity of the problem, I will illustrate several examples which at the same time may help you to deal with situations without making others consider you a complete, utterly bewildered, freak. 1) If someone tells you "it's raining cats and dogs," do not run to get your frying pan, even though your name might be ALF. 2) If someone tells you "my goose is cooked," do not ask what kind of sauce comes with it or wait for a meal to be served. 3) If someone says that his "plans went down the drain," do not run to the bathroom to save them or call a plummer. 4) Do not ask for the real McCoy's first name or address. 5) If someone is described by "his fingers are all thumbs," you'd better not ask for the cause of this tragic mutation. 6) Something that's all Greek to someone does not mean you need to learn yet another language. 7) Should someone tell you to cut off your nose to spite your face, do not run for a mirror in panic. Chances are very good that she might have used this phrase idiomatically. A quick, discrete touch to the middle of your face will usually do -- if you actually can't feel your nose any more you still have the option of panicking wildly. 8) If you visit a priest who is said to have bats in the belfry, do not stay awake the whole night because you're afraid of vampires. Chances are good that he simply has bees in his bonnet. 9) If you're asked to turn a blind eye, there is no need to do the oedipus. 10) If you meet someone who was characterized as a goody-goody, do under no circumstances try and unwrap or suck on them without their explicit permission. 11) Do not try and sell anything to someone who is referred to as a smooth customer. 12) If you're told to save your bacon, do not store it in the fridge until it grows bad; taking it to the bank probably won't do either. 13) If someone is announced to soon show their true colours, do not expect them to behave like a chameleon. 14) If you're advised to make hay while the sun shines, do not expect to be involved in any agricultural activity. 15) If you're told not to tread on someone's toes, it is probably not your feet you have to mind. 16) If you're told to go jump in a lake - simply don't. You might end up with a fierce pneumonia, especially in winter. 17) If you're told something "between you, me, and the gatepost," do not afterwards try to have a conversation about it with the gatepost. Of course these few examples are just the beginning of it. As experience grows, you might find out that English-speaking Earthlings don't give a damn about making themselves clear to you, but impatiently expect you to do so. They might say "softly, softly, cathee monkey," thinking to have made themselves completely understood, yet when you reply "swiftly, swiftly, rubbee toeee" all you will probably get is an exceedingly estranged glance. They say things like "hurly-burly," "Higgeldy-Piggeldy," or "Idiosyncrasy," but when you enthusiastically reply "gabanga ol!," "paggody-waggody," or "Distoxifilimetrifcationalization," you will probably not be granted a great amount of understanding feedback. So, mind your words, traveller, and be aware of the strangeness language is bound to bring with it. This article is of course not meant to discourage you: with language it's hit or miss, it's really no picnic and sometimes you're close to fly off the handle, but there's no reason to sneak of with your tail between your legs or to hit the roof, since fortune favors fools, so you might just be lucky. And who knows, if you're the luckiest of untalented earth language dwarfs, chances are good you'll be discovered, become an avant-garde poet and make lots of lolly! %e *EOA* %t Restaurant At The End Of The Universe, Nagarkot, Nepal, Asia, Earth %n 2R201 %s Why Go Any Further? %a Michael Bleyer (s_bleyer@rzmain.rz.uni-ulm.de) %d 19950322 %e How to Get There ---------------- If you're in the area, in other words, walking around the little town of Nagarkot, watch for the signs. You can't miss it. Don't be distracted by the funny names of other restaurants and hotels in Nagarkot, it seems to be some kind of sport there, or maybe it's just to attract tourists. The whole place is not very crowded with people and, while climbing the last few stairs, you begin to ask yourself if someone just forgot to take down the signs when they closed it 5 years ago; don't worry, keep walking, it's there, it's open and yes, they serve food too. Why to Go There --------------- The view, mostly. If you get up before sunrise you'll be rewarded with a most spectacular view of some nice Himalayan mountains, snow covered and all. No, you can't see Mount Everest from there, not even any other 8000ers or even 7000ers, but it's still quite impressive and you don't have to tell anyone when you show your pictures back home. You can also see the valley of Kathmandu on the other side, but it is covered in smog most of the day. And the restaurant itself of course. The restaurant is a small nice place with just the right size for a party with 20 friends; it has a platform with two lower tables where one can sit cross-legged, much more comfortable than some of the chairs. There are two large panorama-sized windows -- unfortunately one of them faces the wrong side (down to Kathmandu). When you enter, they'll immediately turn up the Nepali rock music on their old tape recorder, and yet somehow you will start to like it because it really fits to the place. The style of the interior decoration eludes any deeper meaning, but most likely you'll be too busy staring out of the windows to notice. Food and Drinks --------------- They have anything a tired Hitchhiker could desire, and it's rather cheap too. Beer and coke is cold, and the menu offers a wide variety of dishes. I was only able to try the banana pancakes (good and not too sweet) and the fried potatoes with chili (very tasty, mjam) and I can recommend both. You'll be very tempted to stay a while, so be sure to bring some time along, and maybe some friends too. %e *EOA* %t Turnhout, Belgium, Europe, Earth %n 6R40 %s A City %a Dirk van Deun (hw41652@is1.vub.ac.be) %d 19950801 %x Magic: The Gathering %e Turnhout is a city in the north of Flanders, at about 51.3 North 4.9 East. It has almost forty thousand inhabitants (A.D. 1995), and exactly 318 streets. It is the economic and cultural centre of its region, with more than 40 schools and an important services sector. The surviving traditional industry is making paper and printing stuff on it, especially playing cards. Wherever in the world you live, if you have a deck of cards with you, there is a more than reasonable chance that they were printed by Carta Mundi in Turnhout. There is also a Museum of Playing Cards in the city. Turnhout grew in the protection of the castle of the dukes of Brabant, which seems to have existed since 1110 or earlier on the duke's hunting grounds. The community of merchants and craftsmen that grew around it got its Libertas as a city under duke Hendrik I, between 1209 and 1213. In 1338, Turnhout got the privilege of the market day on saturdays; the tradition still holds. At the end of the Middle Ages, Turnhout had become a rich commercial centre. The beguinage was founded in the fourteenth century, and in 1466 a traveller described the well-built houses and the paved roads, and counted five churches. The sixteenth century however was a time of wars, with its fires, confiscations and epidemics. On top of that, the suppression of the Reformation made many progressive (and rich) citizens take refuge in Holland. Turnhout became impoverished, and until Napoleon the further history of Turnhout consists of a series of ups and downs and a litany of names of foreign conquerors. In 1830 Belgium, until then most aptly described as the battlefield of Europe, was given its independance, and Turnhout fell just south of the new border with the Netherlands. The period of peace between 1831 and 1914 saw the digging of the canal (1846) and the construction of the railroad (1855). In the twentieth century, Turnhout history differs little from the rest of Western Europe: the first world war, economic revival, then the great crisis and the second world war. After the wars, Turnhout became a modern city, not much different from many other small cities: the castle now houses a court of law, there is a McDonald's opposite the medieval St. Peter's church, and Carta Mundi mainly exports Magic(TM) cards. But on the other hand, the beguinage still houses one beguine, market days are still on saturdays, and the roads are still paved with cobblestones. Bibliography: 1) R. PEETERS, Kleine Turnhoutse Geschiedenis, 1961, place of publication unknown. 2) H. DE KOK and E. VAN AUTENBOER, Turnhout, Groei van een stad, Turnhout 1983. %e *EOA* %t Love; If You Really Loved Me, You Wouldn't ... %n 6R41 %s On Taking Love's Name In Vain %a Dirk van Deun (hw41652@is1.vub.ac.be) %d 19950801 %x How To Say "I Love You" In Different Languages %x Marriage, How To Ruin A %e It has been found that many married people are defenceless against the magic formula "If you really loved me, you wouldn't...". Husbands and wives use this formula to put emotional pressure on their beloved ones when they run out of rational arguments, and in doing so, almost always have the last word. The natural result of this policy is, that the one who runs out of rational arguments first, wins the quarrel. Let us examine the nature of this formula. It looks like a logical implication, but it isn't one. Actually, any logician will tell you that "If you really loved me, you wouldn't drink so much" is a totally false argument, because there is no known necessary correlation between loving and not drinking. Indeed, as so many people claim to have met the love of their life in a bar, there is even reason to suspect that there is an opposite relation. But the partner who has spoken the magic formula chooses to be deaf for logic. The counter "That's not true, honey" only elicits an irrational "See ? You don't love me any more !", as if denying the existence of a logical relationship would also deny the premisses of the alleged relation. Experience has shown that in such cases even a one-hour lecture in formal logic has no appreciable effect. Thus the formula leaves the other partner three equally unpleasant choices: either you give up, take your partner in your arms and say "Oh, honey ..." in a begging intonation; or you try rational arguments, at which the partner, if female, will usually throw herself weeping upon the nearest large soft surface, or if male, will usually storm off to the pub; or you start a regular row, using irrational arguments to counter irrational arguments. The last possibility is usually preferred by elderly couples, maybe due to the availability of a large store of old irrelevant reproaches. Using the formula is unfair and leaves the other only undeserved defeat and deserved grudges. In fact, if people really love each other, they would not try to put unfair emotional pressure on their partners with the "If you really loved me" formula. That is the only correct riposte; but don't try it if you aren't prepared to risk divorce. %e *EOA* %t Stockport, Close To Manchester, Grim North, England, UK, Earth %n 6R42 %s A Town %a Stuart Bruce (stuart@atomiser.demon.co.uk) %i Places To Avoid %d 19950801 %x Fashion %x Live Action Roleplaying %x Cars, Getting Hit By %e Stockport has for many years been a popular attraction for alien tourists, most specifically those with inclinations towards role-playing games of the grimy, harsh-reality, mindless-tedium variety. The most popular hobby of all is donning ludicrous clothing and trying to blend in whilst observing all the other infamously fashion-oblivious ugly semi-human individuals that live there. Most recently an upward spiral trend has been created by aliens arriving incognito in order to observe what they believe to be genuine examples of primitive human evolution, but which are in fact even more intelligent forms of life who think exactly the same thing about them. The bizarre irony behind such a boom has not been left unharnessed, however, even though all humans seem to not have the foggiest clue what is going on around them, especially in Stockport, infamous for having the world's highest proportion of car accidents caused by people forgetting they have legs to move, and consequently not having legs to move any longer. To make the most of the boom, various tourist attractions are prominent upon entering the city. The most prominent of all is the King's Valley Pyramid, as the human designers refer to it. At first a rapid name change rechristened it "the Canary Wharf of the North." However this title did not last, and it is now more commonly referred to as the Pyramint, not so much because the outsides are brown and gooey (truth be told they're not) (well, not very), but more that the insides are disappointingly hollow and devoid of humanoids, or mint, depending on which way you look at it. Tourists considering Stockport as a potentially entertaining holiday location are warned that in local terminology "entertainment" and "Stockport" are fundamentally antonyms. Amusement in Stockport is a gradually acquired taste, in the same way that camping holidays are fun if you like damp grass, big rocks, improvised toilets and horribly gratuitous sexual noises from neighbouring tents. The locals make livings out of being bored and/or nasty, although an interesting pastime in large parties can be to travel separately for a couple of days and see who can collect the most stab wounds. Essentials for a visit include no money, bad clothes, very little sense of direction and eyes that always seem to point either in a totally bizarre direction, or alternatively at the lower regions of any particularly well- endowed female in the unlikely event that you actually find one. Indulgent or keen tourists interested in improving their stay by learning some of the local lingo may at first find the phrases "you lookin' a' my tart?" or "I seen ya gaggin at ma gaal" confusing, and are advised that the answer "yes" provokes the most interesting developments, but that the answer "no" allows them to leave the planet with a greater number of their limbs. As far as local tradition goes, the quickest way to access the neighbouring customs is to tell somebody that Stockport is more violent than it used to be, and then get shot in the resultant argument. By popular demand, however, one of the most developed areas of Stockport has become the highly-signposted, and much-admired, "way out". %e *EOA* %t Beavis And Butthead %n 6R43 %s Possibly The Stupidest Show Around %a Bysshe Murphy (JMurphy42@AOL.com) %d 19950721 * %k Beavis * %k Butthead * %k MTV * %k TV %e If you hang around the kind of person who spends much of their time high (as a hitchhiker is apt to do), the names Beavis and Butthead may come up, or if the names don't, your newfound friends may start chuckling like morons at the slightest things and chanting "Fire! Fire! Fire!", or labelling things as "Cool" and "Sucks". There is, believe it or not, a reason for this other than dope and alcohol induced stupor. "Beavis and Butthead" is a television show on MTV, and, bar Barney and Power Rangers, is likely to be one of the stupidest shows around. The show centers around, naturally, Beavis and Butthead [1], a pair of perpetually laughing teens/couch potatoes. With an animation style consistent with a cracked Walt Disney, aka Mike Judge, the duo travel around their neighborhood and school doing some of the stupidest and most cruel things around (The animation that started the series was called "Frog Baseball"). So, if you like this sort of thing, feel free to watch, it's on at 10 EST on MTV. If not, bless you. [1] Does not consist of McNeil and Lehrer. %e *EOA* %t English, Understanding Spoken %n 6R44 %s Traps For Unwary Hitchhikers %a David Alan Paterson (paterson@syd.dbce.csiro.au) %d 19950710 %x Tea %e Wherever you travel on the earth, you're sure to hear of a language called English. This is one of the most confusing illogical contradictory languages that you're ever likely to meet in the universe. If possible, avoid speaking it or even trying to listen to it. Written signs in English are usually very good, although I have heard one sad story of a hitchhiker who went into a shop and saw the sign "Lift" but found it too heavy, then saw the sign "Pet supplies" so he did; this wasn't too bad but then he went outside and saw the sign "Compact cars" and went to prison for ten years. Spoken English is another matter altogether. There is a nearly useless book called a dictionary; where you can look up the spelling of a word if you already know what the spelling is. People from Earth are not yet intelligent enough to realise that you need a book that allows you to find the spelling of a spoken word. The "useful phrases" in phrase books are known to be completely, absolutely and totally useless. Avoid them. The best option is to pretend to be deaf, but there are few beings who can do this successfully; so learn to say and recognise the eleven vital English words: yes, no, bar, beer, bed, supermarket, gents, ladies, airport, unemployment, pay. "Bed" is a marvellous word, and can give pleasantly unexpected results; but it can be mistaken for "bet" which, if said in the wrong place, can leave you without any money and without anywhere to sleep but the gutter. If someone says something to you that you don't understand then a reply of "yes" will almost always suffice. The best way to learn spoken English is by watching Sesame Street, a television program, where you can learn such phenomenally useful words as "big bird" and "grouch". But don't get too confident, because there are traps. First there are words which sound the same, are written the same, but have different meanings. A fairly innocuous one is "boss" which can mean "person in charge" or "a round knob or other protuberance". Some other ones could get an innocent hitchhiker in big trouble. For instance, a female being should always be very suspicious of any person who calls her a "heroine". Other troublesome words are: "bag" which can mean "an unpleasant woman" or "shoot"; "bang" which means "have intercourse" or "a big explosion"; "body" which can mean "main part" or "dead animal"; "boob" which can mean "embarrassing mistake" or "women's breast"; "bunny" is a "toy rabbit", a "dupe", or a "girl in skimpy clothing"; "butt" is "buttocks" or "push with head"; "camp" is "tent lodging" or "homosexual". "Can" means "able to" or "metal container" or "prison" or "lavatory"; so you'd better avoid it completely. Instead of "I can", you'd better say "I will"; whoops, that won't do either, use "I could". Then if anyone mishears you it will sound like "I good". Also avoid "I can't", because the word "can't" could be mistaken for another four letter word that starts with "c" and ends in "nt". "Case" means "state of affairs", "container" or "set up a robbery"; "charge" means "ask as a price" or "attack in battle"; "clock" means "time measuring instrument" or "hit on the head"; "club" means "social organisation" or "stick used as weapon"; "crack" means "sudden noise", "crystalline cocaine", "first rate player" or "fissure between buttocks", another word to avoid. Others dangers include "clap", "crumpet", "date", "dish", "dive", "dog", "drip" and "erection". "Going to the dock" could leave you at a ships berth, a criminal court, or with a part of your anatomy cut off. "Getting a draft/draught" could leave you in a breeze (OK), with a preliminary document (OK), a money order (good), a beer (good), or military service (very bad). Just one more, if a person says "draw" and there are no sketchbooks or curtains around, then it's a good idea to run for your life. Some words sound the same but are spelled differently. The following are dangerous if confused. "accost, a cost", "agenda, a gender", "allay, a lay", "allude, a lewd", "amount, a mount", "a rest, arrest", "alms, arms", "applaud, up lord", "bare, bear", "beer, bier", "Bible, buy bull", "buy sexual, bisexual", "brake, break", "campus, camp us", "cannibal, can nibble", "cargo, car go", "carpet, car pet", "CD, seedy", "sent, cent, scent", "chaste, chased", "cheetah, cheater", "chilly, chilli", "cocktail, cock tail", "lookout, look out!", "desirable, desire a bull", "dedicate, dead dick ate", "in continent, incontinent", "486, four ate six", "seas, sees, seize", "going fishin', going fission". In addition, many English words sound similar although not the same. They could easy confuse a hitchhiker. In particular, consonants 'k' and 'g' sound similar, so do 't' and 'd', and 'p' and 'b', and j' and 'ch'. Beware of the following: "bad, pad", "basketball, bars get ball", "bath, path", "best, pest", "pet, bet", "big, pig", "bill, pill", "blaze, plays", "bleeding, pleading", "bold, bolt", "box, pox", "broad, brought", "buck, bug", "cutie pie, cutie bye, cutie buy", "cab, cap", "calculator, gal queue later", "cash, gash", "cello, jello", "choke, joke", "cog, cock", "core, gore", "creed, greed", "cuddle, cut all", "Ford, fought", "debt, dead", "tie, die", "tongue, dung". The "h" sound is often missing from spoken English. So beware of: "armour, harm her", "avenue, have a new", "carrier, carry her", "checkers, check hers", "insider, inside her", "cockle, cock hell", "consumer, cons humour", "ate, hate", "centre/center, scent her", "gladiators, glad he ate hers", "laser, lays her", "committee, commit he". Some short vowels in English 'i', 'e', 'a', 'o', 'u' can sound very similar at times. So watch out for: "available, a vail o' bull", "asset, ass it", "class, kill arse, cull arse", "condom, conned 'em", "contact, cunt act", "dad, dead", "new directions, nude erections". Also, the short 'i' can sound like the long 'e', the short 'u' with the long 'ar', the short 'e' with the long 'air' so don't confuse: "African, a free can, a friggin", "us, arse", "a slicker, arse licker", "bastard, bar stud", "beach, bitch", "calm, come", "card, cut", "civil, 's evil", "dared, dead". And others, such as: "an angel, inane shell", "consummate, cons a mate", "counsellor, cow seller", "disk, disc, dick", "harpist, half pissed", "pianist, penis", and "cunnilingus, cunning linguist" can also cause trouble. Oh yes. In Australia, be particularly careful not to confuse "abnormal" with "aboriginal". Then there are dialects, oh yes, it may surprise you to know that many people of Earth tend to pronounce words differently. For instance, Indians (from India) tend to say a whole sentence all at once, so that it sounds like a very long word. Chinese tend to confuse 'l' with 'r' so avoid talking to them about elections. But the worst speakers of English in the whole world are the English. For instance, some Londoners leave out the occasional letter or word. Once a Londoner came up to me in the street and said "I!". I later figured out that "I!" was short for "Light" which was short for "Do you have a light?" which was short for "Do you have a cigarette lighter that I can borrow for a few seconds and please give it to me" which was short for "I am a nicotine addict and I need a fix right now so hand over a cigarette lighter this second or I will never be friends with you at any time between now and the end of my life". But don't despair, acting dumb works just fine, especially at job interviews. And if you hear a song on the radio and can't make sense of the words then rest secure in the fact that no-one else can either. %e *EOA* %t Gotska Sandoen, Sweden, Earth %n 6R45 %s An Isolated Island In The Middle Of The Baltic Sea %a Rickard Andersson (rickard@softlab.se) %d 19950905 * Yep, this is a new GAG article from Sweden. %x Sweden, Earth %x Sweden: The True Story %x Earth %e Being a hitchhiker on the road and trying to get to _Gotska Sandoen_, which is an island in the middle of the Baltic sea, can't be recommended to any inexperienced hiker. There are a number of reasons why this task can be hard to fulfil. The first difficulty is that the island doesn't have any bridges or ferries that allow you to hitchhike in a car to the island. Hikers not discouraged by this fact try to get on the boat that operates a route between May and August every year. The boat traffics the island three times a week during these months, if the wind isn't too rough, in which case the island can't be reached by boat. _Gotska Sandoen_ doesn't have any wharf so the weather must be good enough, so that the passengers can jump ashore. The whole island is built up by sand and gravel, which means that the beach is very shelving and constantly changing. The distance across the island is approximately 7 kilometres and the total length of the beach is 25 kilometres. The highest point on the island reaches 42 meters above the sea level and about 90 per cent of the area is covered with pine trees. The next difficulty you encounter trying to get to the island is that there exists a maximum number of people that are allowed to visit the island at the same time, namely 100 persons. The hitchhiker who has managed to arrive at the island has seven days to explore the island and its nature. Another thing that makes it hard for hikers is the signs that are visible around the whole island, "Restricted Area, Entry prohibited to aliens". Because of the fact that _Gotska Sandoen_ is a part of Sweden, hikers who are not citizens of Sweden aren't allowed to visit the island. For the most times this means that the interested hitchhiker gives up, before going through the trouble and waiting time to become a citizen of Sweden. To everyone not fortunate enough to get to visit _Gotska Sandoen_, I can only say that the island is beautiful and has excellent sand beaches. %e *EOA* %t Jolt Cola %n 2R202 %s All The Sugar, Twice The Caffeine %a Jonathan David Harmon (jharmon@mtu.edu) %d 19950413 %x Harmon, Jonathan David %x Coffee %i Liquid Sleep %e While many companies were beginning to catch on to the "health craze" in America, the Jolt-Company, Inc., of Rochester, New York, began to fill the opening void. Touting their product as containing "All the Sugar, Twice the Caffeine" of the leading cola (a take-off on the popular "half the sugar" ads of other products), Jolt slowly grew in popularity. While Jolt is still rather difficult to come by in smaller towns, in college towns it is nearly as common as any other cola. In Houghton, Michigan, home of Michigan Technological University, a few stores even sell six packs (which are virtually unknown in smaller towns, such as Clio, Michigan). The "Twice the Caffeine" claim is far from an exaggeration. According to the Coffee and Caffeine FAQ by Alejandro Lopez-Ortiz (alopez-o@neumann.uwaterloo.ca), Jolt contains 100.0 mg caffeine per 12 oz can, while Mountain Dew, its most well known competitor in the Energy Pop category, contains only 55.0. Coca-Cola, it's most famous cola competitor, contains only 45.6 mg per 12 oz can. To add to its high energy level, Jolt is also high in sugar. The best way to describe the taste of Jolt would be to have the reader imagine drinking an ordinary can of cola, with only one small modification. Check the side of the can containing the soda with which you are running this experiment. If the can happens to list the "Nutrition Facts" of your cola, the experiment can be run accurately. Under "Total Carbohydrates," check the listing for sugars. Subtract this number from 41 grams (the amount of sugar in a can of Jolt). This number is how much sugar you must add to your cola to approximate the taste. To quote one Jolt newbie, "It's sweet." Royal Crown Cola is already pretty close in taste, if you don't have a balance around with which to measure your sugar. A list of locations around the world which sell Jolt is available on the Web at "http://www.best.com/~wilson/faq/". This list also includes the interesting tidbit that "Jolt is now illegal in Australia, due to its high content of caffeine," but this has not been confirmed by this writer. %e *EOA* %t Fourqueux, Yvelines, France, Earth %n 2R203 %s How To Stand Paris - Escape To Fourqueux! %a Goran C. (not available on internet) * formerly (goran@prl.dec.com) %d 19940701 * or something %x Earth %x Hiking In France, Earth %e You'll be walking up the hill, in a good mood. Fourqueux. It is pronounced Foo-Urk-Uh, in the local accent, I figured out, and it lies on top of the hill. It is a really nice place to take a rest after having been in Paris for some time. It is completely different: tiny, friendly natives, cheap beer, and almost no traffic. There is very little risk for mugging as well. The reason why it hasn't been invaded by enormous motorways and other civilization utterings, is that not very many people know about it. There is absolutely no reason to visit this place. No famous castle, no famous king, nor actor, nor general, nor anyone famous ever lived here. It is a completely white spot on the tourist maps, with no big way leading in nor out of the town. The only place to avoid is in a distant part of the town, the golf-court. Fourqueux lies on top of a hill, some twenty kilometers west of the center of Paris, just by St.Germain-en-Laye. Use the R.E.R. - the HiSpeed SubWay - line A, and get off at the end-station. There are no signs to get to this infinitely small place, so ask a native. (Even the inhabitants of the neighbouring town don't know, so you might have to ask a few before you get there....) Basically it is just to go south, cross the RN13 (highway) and you're on the road. Just follow this road, up the big, big hill, and there it is! Where not to go: Golf de Fourqueux. How to recognise it: Plenty of Jaguars, BMWs, Mercedes, and cars of other exclusive brands circulate in that direction. This is the place where the _really_ rich parisians go to spend their cozy evenings. The places to go to: 1) The Forest A place where loads and loads of Hitchhikers have found some good hours of relaxation, some meeting with fellow hitchhikers, and some acquiring well-needed sleep (you can sleep like a log). How to recognise it: You won't see the forest for all trees.... It is on the very top of the hill - prepare for some really breath-taking sunsets! 2) The Brittany / Cafe de la Croix Rouge The local waterholes - excellent places to go for a round of Petanque (boule) and a good chat with the natives. Recommended - as well for the low price. Food: l'Arab-du-Coin - The Arab of the corner As does _every_ village/town in the country, Fourqueux has its set of arabs (traditionally) with shops open 7 days - almost all around the clock. It is slightly more expensive than the Monoprix (supermarket), but the service is excellent! %e *EOA* %t Hiking In France, Earth %n 2R204 %s Hints For A Good Hike In A Good Country %a Goran C. (not available on internet) * formerly (goran@prl.dec.com) %d 19940701 * or something %x Fourqueux, Yvelines, France, Earth %x Earth %x Des Moines, Iowa, USA, Earth %e Go ahead! Yes! Give them what they deserve! (The most all-around advice ever to be stated, it is all too true here as well....) Background: HitchHiking in France is tough - anyone that tried it knows it. Solution: Try to learn some french before going there - or trust your luck to find someone capable to understand you. Act like a native, with a baguette in the armpit and a beret. The other way, which is a lot less time consuming and very popular among Americans, is to act just like at home -- pretending to be in Des Moines, Iowa. This is _not_ recommended. Chances are that you will be treated like an alien, one of the most disgusting kinds... (you ever see Jabba the Hut from Star Wars??) Food: For a hitchhiker nothing is as important as a cheap meal among chums. France is the ideal place to go. As mushrooms pop out of the ground in a well-manured field, the cafes, bars, and restaurants appear out of nowhere - everywhere. The best places to go to are recognizable by the lack of fine, nicely printed menus by the entrance. The best places (for a hitchhiker, or any other adventurer) are the restaurants that are situated in narrow lanes where no one ever _has_ to go. Therefore not many people know of the existence of these small, really cosy restaurants. Especially not the tourists. Check out a place called Fourqueux; this is a place where you can find some real frenchies, a good meal for a small amount of francs. L'arab-du-coin: (Literally: "The Arab of the Corner" - that's what it is.) In each block in any decent city of France there is an Arab with a little shop selling everything. It's open every day of the week, and almost 24 hours per day. The wares he trades range from milk to vodka, cucumbers to peanuts, toothbrushes to cutlery... you name it, he has it. Furthermore - the size of the shop is often about the size of two or three phone-booths placed one against another. What to eat: As a hitchhiker, the choice of nourishment is somewhat delimited by the absence of a kitchen. The best food-for-the-franc ratio goes to: 1) Baguette - traditional french bread. Most bang-for-the-buck! 2) Yop - liquid yogurt - to drink. 3) Camembert - cheese, for the bread. 4) Wine - all sorts, from disgusting 20c/liter to really good... To find this really cheap, go to a supermarket. If it is closed, go to the closest arab-du-coin, he is always open. Good Luck, and happy hiking! %e *EOA* %t MOOs And MUDs %n 8R1 %s Internet Distractions %a Jeff Kramer (lthumper@bga.com) %d 19940904 %x IRC, Internet Relay Chat %x Acronyms %e MUDs, or Multi-User-Dimensions are some of the strangest places on the Internet. They range from the hairy (FurryMUSH) to the downright insane (LambdaMOO). Most MUDs are centered around a theme or ideal. Something like dragons, furrys, or Star Trek. There are a few that just say "Do whatever, just don't disturb anybody", like LambdaMOO. The usual way of connecting to a MUD is to Telnet there. From the Unix shell prompt type: telnet Hosts can be in the name format or the number format. A few hosts/ports are: lambda.xerox.com 8888 casper.bga.com 6969 128.2.116.75 4201 You can find more by looking in the rec.games.mud.announce newsgroup. There are a few commands you should know when you connect to a MUD; some of the most important are: who/@who - Tells you who else is online. where/@where - Tells you where others are (on MOOs anyway). look - Shows you the room, what's in it. look - Spits out a description of the item. " - On most MOOs/MUDs this is the way to talk. page - Sends info to someone else not in the room you're in (MOO command). help - Gives help [1]. On MOOs you can @examine objects. That spits out the description and any verbs it might have. Very useful in finding out what something does. When you connect to a MUD, it will usually present you with a Username: prompt. Sometimes you type "guest" and then "guest" for the password. On MOO's it just prints out a message asking you what you'd like to do. "connect guest guest" is usually what you want to do. If none of those work, type in what you'd like to be your username, and then the password you'd like. If all else fails, ask someone. Most people are friendly, although they do like to keep their RL (Real Life) to themselves. Now, some useful acronyms/terms: IC - In Character. OOC - Out Of Character. RL - Real Life. MOO - Mud Object Oriented. MUD - Multi User Dimension/Dungeon. Wiz/Wizard - Guy/Guys who run the MUD. HP - Hit Points, used on combat MUDs. ST - Status. TF - TinyFuge, a program that makes connecting with MUDs easier and prettier. TS - Tiny Sex, virtual sex. VR - Virtual Reality. VS - Virtual Sex. Idle - How long you/they haven't been active. Connect time - How long you/they have been connected. AFK - Away From Keyboard. BRB - Be Right Back. Client - A program that takes the place of telnet. Newbie - New user. A few things to remember: * Nobody likes a whiner. * Don't interrupt. Some people take MUDing *very* seriously, and get very ticked at you if you go where you haven't been asked. * Some people are very private about their real life lives. * People are generally helpful, just ask nicely. * Don't be surprised by the kind of people you meet, and the kind of places you'll go. [1] On the Star Wars MUD, the help documents are in a thing called... the Hitchhikers guide to Star Wars MUD. Or something like that. To access the help files you type "panic " and they have some stuff from the guide. Pretty cool, eh? %e *EOA* %t Signature Files %n 2R205 %s I'd Like To Give The World A Quote And Keep It Company %a Jason Kohles (not available on internet) * previously (kohles@cal.eng.utah.edu) %d 19940723 %i .sig %x Unix, Part 1 %x Code Of The Geeks %e As a Hitchhiker, you may or may not find yourself someday hitchhiking on Earth's Information Superhighway, but if you do you are sure to encounter a phenomenon known as .signature files, also called .sigs. These signature files are commonly used by travellers on the Information Superhighway to convey meaningful (and sometimes not so meaningful) information to other travellers who read their message. Some examples of this phenomenon follow. Some .sig files include just the basics, name, organization, ways to contact the person and possibly an obligatory quote and a small picture, as in the following. ------ Ryan Tucker (rtucker@worf.infonet.net) ----------------------------- /\_/\ ( o.o ) .oO (Oh no! I'm outta food! I'll just leave a "note" for Ryan..) > < *** Yet another CatSig by Ryan Tucker, rtucker@worf.infonet.net! *** --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A .sig might include cryptic quotes, the exact meaning of which remains unknown to the average reader. ------ Kor the Mighty (glouser@leland.stanford.edu) ----------------------- A .sig is like a huge, radioactive potato. Well, no, I guess not. Kor the Mighty / Grant Glouser / glouser@leland.stanford.edu qablIjDaq Soj tu'lu'bejchugh, vaj DatIvba' --------------------------------------------------------------------------- It could contain large ASCII pictures of just about anything. ------ Paul Stacy (stacyp@alpha.acast.nova.edu) --------------------------- Lt. K'orvette tai-H'Nter ______ ______ Fleet Operations Officer, Chief Engineer, _/_/__\_\_/_/__\_\_ Klingon Legion of Assault IKV DaH'HoS /.-- / //-\\ \ --.\ Warriors (Fourth Fleet) ______.-------(___,-|-|=====|-|-,___)-------.______ _.-' bortaS blr \-\_@_/-/ Revenge is a dish `-._ (o) jablu'Dl' reH `-----' which is best (o) ' QaQqu'nay' Qapla' served cold ` Naples, Florida, USA, Earth (Sol III), Terran System, Fed. sector 001 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Many .sigs include acronyms, although few contain a description to tell you what the acronym means. ------ Herve BINDA (hbinda@ensem.u-nancy.fr) ------------------------------ o o \|||/ (o o) +-------------------------oOO--(_)--OOo------------------------+ | Herve Binda ( aka corwyn ) | | E.N.S.E.M | C.R.I.N. | | 3A I.S.A. | D.E.A. Informatique | | Informatique industrielle | Equipe RFIA | | hbinda@ensem.u-nancy.fr | binda@loria.fr | | ALL IN ALL YOU 'RE JUST ANOTHER BRICK IN THE WALL (PF) | | http://www.loria.fr/~binda/corwyn.html | +--------------------------------------------------------------+ --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A growing number of .sigs include a virus, which is supposed to be copied into a readers .sig to propagate itself. Also of note in this .sig, is the double dash (--), also known as a kill line. Since most .signature files are added automatically by the users computer, this symbol is used with many anonymous posting systems, nothing after the kill line will be included in the anonymous message. ------ Paul Clegg (pclegg@cnx.sccsi.com) ---------------------------------- * SLMR 2.0 * Hi! I'm a tagline virus! Join in and steal me! -- |Fidonet: Paul Clegg 1:266/73 |Internet: pclegg@cnx.sccsi.com | | Standard disclaimer: The views of this user are strictly his own. | From Connections! BBS +1-609-794-8907 ( No Assembly Required ). --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Note that the following .sig includes the writers address (called Snail Mail because of its speed relative to Electronic Mail) and phone number. An important point is that with the phone number is included a way to find out what time it is at his house, important if you don't want to be called in the middle of the night. ------ John Quill Taylor (jqtaylor@boi.hp.com) ---------------------------- __ John Quill Taylor / /\ Writer at Large / / \ Hewlett-Packard, Storage Systems Division __ /_/ /\ \ Boise, Idaho U.S.A. /_/\ __\ \ \_\ \ e-mail: jqtaylor@hpdmd48.boi.hp.com \ \ \/ /\\ \ \/ / Telephone: (208) 396-2328 (MDT = GMT - 6) \ \ \/ \\ \ / Snail Mail: Hewlett-Packard \ \ /\ \\ \ \ 11413 Chinden Blvd \ \ \ \ \\ \ \ Boise, Idaho 83714 \ \ \_\/ \ \ \ Mailstop 230 \ \ \ \_\/ \_\/ "When in doubt, do as doubters do." -jqt --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The following .sig is a parody of a national emergency alerting system in use in the United States of America (Earth, Sol System). Anyone who has heard this emergency system will understand the parody involved, and anyone who has not heard it is advised to avoid it, as it is proven to cause insanity after prolonged exposure. ------ System Administrator (usenet@mv.mv.com) ---------------------------- This is a test. This is a test of the emergency signature system. Your sys-admin, in voluntary cooperation with local, state and federal authorities, has developed this test to provide information in the event of an actual signature. This is only a test. If this had been an actual signature, the message you just read would have been followed by disclaimers, witty sayings, and clever ASCII art. This concludes this test of the emergency signature system. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The next .sig contains nothing more than an address, and two apparently conflicting quotes. ------ John Holzman (holzman@saucer.cc.umr.edu) --------------------------- holzman@umr.edu John Holzman University of Missouri-Rolla +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "God is dead." -Nietzsche | "Nietzsche is dead." -God +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ --------------------------------------------------------------------------- These last few .sigs are offered with no explanation, by now it should be apparent that this system of communication is bizarre to say the least. ------ richard mallender xd/hd 1703 (etlrdmr@etlxd20.ericsson.se) --------- |\ |\ |\ |\ /..\ tweet /..\ tweet /..\ tweet /@@\ My mind ! ( > ) tweet ( > ) tweet ( > ) tweet ( > ) it's gone | | tweet | | tweet | | tweet | | blank ! / | | / | | / | | / | | ------m--m------------m--m------------m--m------------m--m-------------- /_/ /_/ /_/ /_/ --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------ Suhonen Aleksi (s151716@proffa.cc.tut.fi) -------------------------- "The views above are mine and as I have poor eye sight they may well be unfocused." -- Aleksi Suhonen --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------ Kevin Woods (kevinw@n47usb81.nafohq.hp.com) ------------------------ From: - Kevin ?:^) , , /( )` \ \___ / | /- _ `-/ ' (/\/ \ \ /\ / / | ` \ O O ) / | `-^--'`< ' TM (_.) _ ) / | | |\ | ~|~ \ / `.___/` / | | | \ | | X `-----' / `__| | \| _|_ / \ <----. __ / __ \ <----|====O)))==) \) /==== <----' `--' `.__,' \ | | \ / ______( (_ / \______ ,' ,-----' | \ `--{__________) \/ --------------------------------------------------------------------------- This .sig includes a code which is intended to tell the reader exactly how "geeky" the author of the message is. ------ Robert A. Hayden (hayden@vorlon.mankato.msus.edu) ------------------ ____ Robert A. Hayden <=> hayden@vorlon.mankato.msus.edu \ /__ -=-=-=-=- <=> -=-=-=-=- \/ / Finger for Geek Code Info <=> I do not necessarily speak for the \/ Finger for PGP Public Key <=> City of Mankato or anyone else, dammit -=-=-=-=-=-=-=- (GEEK CODE 2.1) GJ/CM d- H-- s-:++>s-:+ g+ p? au+ a- w++ v* C++(++++) UL++++$ P+>++ L++$ 3- E---- N+++ K+++ W M+ V-- -po+(---)>$ Y++ t+ 5+++ j R+++$ G- tv+ b+ D+ B--- e+>++(*) u** h* f r-->+++ !n y++** --------------------------------------------------------------------------- By now, you may be either disgusted that such a strange method of communication could become so widespread on an entire planet, or you may be wondering "How can I have my own .signature file?" While the former may be impossible to understand, the latter can be simply accomplished, assuming you are operating on a UNIX system. Using a text editor, create your .signature and save it in your home directory with the filename (need I tell you?) ".signature" (Be sure to include the period -- it is very important. %e *EOA* %t Luton, England, UK, Earth %n 7R1 %s A Town In England %a Ian Brown (not available by email) %d 19950925 %x Earth %x Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire, England, UK, Earth %x London, England, UK, Earth %e Luton is a small post-industrial town in the south of England. I describe Luton as "post-industrial," because it has lost much of the industry that helped to create it. The town is north of Hemel Hempstead and south of Bedford. Luton is accesible from the M1 (Junctions 10 and 11), and has two railway stations (Luton and Leagrave). Luton has grown greatly in recent years, with new housing estates being built on the periphery. Traveling Around Luton ---------------------- The two train stations let you travel between Luton's centre and it's suburbs. There are plenty of taxis available if you have a lot of money to spend during your travels. Touring Luton by private car can be ruled out due to the high amount of traffic. This leaves the bus system as the cheapest and most viable means of transport. When travelling on buses arm yourself with a timetable (this is a book which is meant to tell you when the buses are meant to turn up at the bus stops, but is often wrong) and a towel to prevent you from getting wet while waiting for a bus that will most likely be late. Pubs ---- Luton has a great number of pubs, personal experiments will help you determine which is the best. Things To See In Luton ---------------------- There are lots of things to see in Luton, though most are both uninteresting and a great distance apart. Be prepared to wait for buses. A lot. Here is a list: Luton Hoo - A stately home near junction 10 of the M1. Wardown Park - A park near the centre of Luton. Luton Arndale - A shopping centre, formerly the largest indoor shopping Centre centre in Europe. This is a very short list, mainly because to list everything would take a long time (though not as long as a list for London would take). Advice For Hitchhikers ---------------------- Know, or find, somebody who lives in Luton if you wish to stay the night. There are not very many hotels in Luton and the train station isn't very comfortable. %e *EOA* %t Outside The Ram's Head, Disley Near Manchester, England, UK, Earth %s The Bizarre Spectacle Of The Weekly Patient Boyfriend Ritual %n 7R2 %a Stuart Bruce (stuart@atomiser.demon.co.uk) %d 19950923 %x Earth * %k England %e Every Saturday morning many hikers congregate in the hills and houses that surround the Ram's Head pub in Disley in order to witness the spectacle of the Patient Boyfriend Ritual. Approximately seven hundred and twenty-five teenage boyfriends turn up - this number varies according to how many of them are out with their mates instead and how many of them actually have girlfriends that are worth waiting for in the first place. They all sit around on benches, seats, on top of walls, against posts, against small walls, on the floor, or hover in the air if they feel like it. Simultaneously, and for a period of usually well over an hour, they look around intently for their due-to-arrive partners, taking regular breaks in order to look at their watches, and try to find a reflective shop window to make sure they look well-presented without making it clear that they're being vain. The only thing they ever see when doing this, aside from the seconds rapidly ticking away (the Earth's time system, relative to universe norms, slows down inexplicably for this period of time), is the other boys sitting around. They all realise that they are in the same boat, but of course they're too cool, calm and composed to ever talk to each other. They don't even acknowledge each other's presence. The odd thing is that of the seven hundred and twenty-five or so waiting males, only about four or five girlfriends ever actually turn up. The rest of them take varying lengths of time to slope off home looking depressed and miserable. Despite this, the same hordes of boyfriends turn up the following week anyway. I was one of the seven hundred and twenty-five once, and I enjoyed being part of the spectacle so much that I turned up for several more weeks after it had sunk in that my girlfriend had dumped me anyway. %e *EOA* %t The 1970s Revival, Just Outside Watford, England, UK, Earth %n 7R3 %s The Futile Revival Of The Worst Decade Of The Twentieth Century %a Stuart Bruce (stuart@atomiser.demon.co.uk) %d 19950923 %x Earth %x London, England, UK, Earth %x Watford, London, England, UK, Earth %x Fashion %e It has been noted since the Earth time period known as the nineteen- nineties that should you briefly travel northwards from London you will eventually come across a Nineteen-Seventies revival. It was originally thought that this came about as the result of a mutual agreement between the Music World and Fashion World. The general intent of said agreement was to pretend that between ten and twenty years ago things weren't actually as crap as people seem to remember them to have been. This is, as it happens, a complete lie. What these two worlds have created has gone far beyond a joke (the unit measure of primitive Earth humour - do not attempt to comprehend). What they wrought could be more accurately described as a monster, and not a very nice monster at that. Almost half the Music World is still engulfed in 1970s nostalgia, which generally seems to manifest in the form of fluffy things, gold things, hairy things, and things which are coloured in ways that are strikingly reminiscent of a really bad acid trip. Michelle Gayle, N-Trance, and the Utah Saints are (amongst many, many others) profoundly guilty of keeping alive a period of music which can only be described as naff. Meanwhile, the Fashion World has "regressed" to a more progressive version of its original 1990s status, luring photographers to fashion shows by making sure that the models aren't actually wearing any clothing at all. Occasionally, here and there, people wearing 1970s clothes can still be spotted, although nowadays they are often splattered in blood - usually their own. Some Earth humans just don't like being asked, "got any tabs, man?" At least any more, you know. Meanwhile Earth residents who live near the central core of the Nineteen- Seventies are, fortunately, becoming an increasingly endangered breed. Aside from some of the more bizarre forms of death that they are prone to (such as choking on their pipes or being fatally incapacitated by ripping their too-tight trousers while trying to dance to "Night Fever" by the Bee Gees), the most common form of death in these ex-Revivalists occurs when said ex-Revivalist wakes up one morning with a drug-hangover that's so small that he or she actually remembers what a prat said ex-Revivalist made of him- or herself the night before. A phrase originally used to refer to the 1960s is now being used defensively, to deflect comment about the 1970s. It goes something like this: "I can't remember much about the seventies, 'cos if you can remember the seventies, then you weren't really there." What the people who say this _actually_ mean is that they _can_ remember the seventies, but they would rather slice their own heads off with a heavy-duty cheese grater than actually admit to people what they were doing back then and what they were wearing to do it in. Due to the dwindling numbers of this species, hikers are recommended to catch these 1970s creatures whilst they still exist. Extinction seems imminent (unless of course the influx of hikers caused by this article creates renewed interest - oh hell, what might I have done?!). Those of you with time travel facilities may want to travel back to the _actual_ 1970s, but it is suspected that what you will find there bears no resemblance to what people today choose to remember about it. Alternatively you could just hang around and wait for the 1980s revivalists to become more common. Before long, it seems England and all of Earth will be experiencing revivals of decades that haven't actually happened yet. Conclusion: Mostly harmless (except of course for the dangerous flared pink trousers) %e *EOA* %t Hazel Grove, Near Manchester, England, UK, Earth %n 7R4 %s Well, Some Of The Trees Are Friendly I Suppose %a Stuart Bruce (stuart@atomiser.demon.co.uk) %d 19950923 %x Earth %x The 1970s Revival, Just Outside Watford, England, UK, Earth %x Outside The Ram's Head, Disley Near Manchester, England, UK, Earth %x Towns Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers %e Hazel Grove is the kind of place that's so darn boring that, five seconds after you arrive, you find yourself sitting in the wittily titled 1970s revival cafe, "Grub In The Grove," (see "1970s Revival, Just Outside Watford") chewing at a cup of tea, and meandering vaguely trough the "Towns Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers" in your Guide book, desperately looking for something interesting to say about the place. "City area" - long, thin. Basically the thing was built on a road. "Aesthetic" - What's that supposed to mean? "Population" - decreasing rapidly and I'm really not surprised. "Comparison with other places" - oh, that's easy. Pick any place. Any place at all. And Hazel Grove is worse. Simple. "Major industry" - yeah, RIGHT. "Specialty shops" - well, Hazel Grove has got the biggest charity-shop-to- person ratio in the known Universe. Bizarrely enough, for every person still residing in Hazel Grove (and this _includes_ those who have fallen into a coma) there would appear to be approximately one hundred and twenty seven Oxfams, Scopes (read: Spastics Society as soon as they realised how many people took the mickey), Home Farm Trusts... you name it, if it's a charity shop then we've got it. Even the "Grub In The Grove" has items on its menu such as: worn-out tasteless pullover, wrongly-sized ripped dinner jacket, horrendous postcards, spineless books, and so on. "Kind of houses" - well, they're _kind_ of houses, I suppose. "Parks" - one. "Schools & Universities" - one comma nil. "Zones & districts" - no. The old people's homes are distributed fairly evenly in-between the grotty hospitals and the charity shops without much segregation. "Inhabitants: wealth, character, religion, languages and dialects, famous people." - Hmmm - let me think about this one. The answers are, respectively: no, no, no, no, and no, no. "Crime" - yes. "Traffic" - yes. "History Of Town" - 160 years ago it used to be called Bullock Smithy. Up until last year there was a mock-old pub in the village which had a sign outside which said "Village of Hazel Grove, 1712." All the old people used to have hours of fun pointing out to all the other old people that it wasn't called Hazel Grove in 1712. Last year they knocked the pub down and they're building a Tescos supermarket on it now. Well, that's progress for you. "Inside tips and hints for real fun/adventures; where to hang out, pubs, etc." - none. And I _live_ here. If you find any, though, let me know. _please_..... "Currency and prices of staying and buying stuff" - due to the high contingent of charity shops, this is surprisingly easy. There are also a good number of shop doorways in which to kip. "How to move about" - use your legs you silly sod. "Where and what to eat" - no comment. "Where to stay" - tip number 1: stay away. "Checklists:" Required equipment: A Portable Charity Shop, Tea-Axe, Old-Person- Gun, Getaway Car. Best time to leave: Now now now, mama! Things you should try: If you have a fast car you could try driving up the pavement on the wrong side of the street playing a game called "Dent The Pensioner." Alternatively ram-raiding a charity shop is a stimulating (if not exactly rewarding) experience. Things you should avoid: Head-on collisions with oncoming cars. Believe me, I had one once, and now I know what a pensioner feels like when dented. Things you should forget: Futile parking tickets, beautiful young shop assistant's names (they're never the same from day to day). Things you mustn't lose: Your cool. Your calm. Your composure. Your towel. And your way out. %e *EOA* %t Pseudonym, A Really Great Guy (With Fan Club) %n 7R5 %s Only For The Attention Of Human Females %a Stuart Bruce (stuart@atomiser.demon.co.uk) * Pseudonym's "Anonymous" Admirer (and if you believe that...) %d 19950923 %x Earth %x Hazel Grove, Near Manchester, England, UK, Earth %x The 1970s Revival, Just Outside Watford, England, UK, Earth %x Outside The Ram's Head, Disley Near Manchester, England, UK, Earth %e In North-West England there is a Human God who shall be called simply Pseudonym. The members of the Pseudonym Fan Club feel compelled to inform you about him. They submitted a 1,277 page summary of just what a really great guy he is, and because our office researchers are still trying to fact-check and verify the full document, only the following brief facts can presently be made available. He is devastatingly charming, intelligent, witty, friendly, sociable, amiable, huggable, kissable, lovable, sexy, charming, knowledgeable, funny, caring, thoughtful, desirable, gorgeous. Unreliable reports also say that he is good in bed (presumably this means that he doesn't snore too much). He is enthusiastic, enigmatic, eccentric, exciting, interesting, intriguing, relaxing, thought-provoking and pleasing, and in short (okay, it's a little late for that), if you're human and female and vaguely attractive then he is EXACTLY the person you want to go out with. In fact he's the kind of person you want to get in touch with right NOW. In two words, he is a Love God. The Pseudonym fan club currently has only one member (namely the Honorable Pseudonym himself). Watch this space for membership information. %e *EOA* %t University Of Virginia, Charlottesville, Virginia, USA, Earth %n 7R6 %s Partying And Studying Jefferson Style %a Evan "Paradox !-)" Macbeth (edm5s@virginia.edu) %d 19951005 %x Cambridge, England, UK, Earth %x McGill University, Montreal, Quebec, Canada, Earth %x Ohio State University, Columbus, Ohio, USA, Earth %x Oxford University Speculative Fiction Group (OUSFG) %x Technical University Of Berlin, Berlin, Germany, Earth %x University Of Western Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, Earth * %k University * %k Virginia * %k Jefferson %e The University of Virginia is a State-supported University in the state of Virginia (imagine that!). It was founded in 1819 by Thomas Jefferson, who counted it among his greatest achievements. It opened its doors to its first class of students in 1825. Today it ranks among the best public Universities in the United States. Geography ---------- The University is located in Charlottesville, Virginia, in the Northwestern portion of that state. Charlottesville is located in a valley, with mountains surrounding so the University is known in many circles for its scenic views. Charlottesville has an airport, with flights to various US urban centers. There is also (most likely more useful for Hitchhikers) a train station which is just east of the University proper. The main route into Charlottesville by car is Route 29. AVOID THIS. It is a nightmare of construction, ill conceived and terribly congested (I come from New Jersey - I know traffic when I see it). If you must come into Charlottesville by car, have patience with the drivers, they are just getting used to the concept of traffic. The main benefit of traveling to Charlottesville by car is the fact that Rt. 29 directly bisects the University, making UVa easy to find (not that it is hard to find). UVa is the reason Charlottesville exists. As for the University itself, the center of UVa's life is an area directly surrounding the Lawn and Range called Central Grounds. The Lawn, a.k.a. Mr. Jefferson's Academic Village, is the heart of UVa. The Rotunda, a scale replica of the Roman Pantheon, sits at the top of the Lawn, while rows of student rooms and professors' residences (called Pavilions) proceed down the Lawn. The Lawn is a beautiful sight on a good day. During a visit to UVa in 1993, Mikhail Gorbachev stated, "You people live in paradise," at the sight of the Lawn in the summer. The Range is a series of rooms and buildings (called Hotels) outside the Lawn which house Graduate students. The Lawn has many rooms which house 4th and 5th year students who have contributed to the University. Living on the Lawn is considered a high honor at UVa, even though the Lawn rooms have no inside sanitary plumbing. (What do you want, they were initially constructed in 1824!) Surrounding Central Grounds are various academic buildings, libraries, and the student center, Newcomb Hall. Most of the residence areas at the University are southwest of Central Grounds, beyond these buildings. Most of the good bars are east of Central Grounds, on the Corner. Most of the parties are north of Central Grounds, along the Fraternity row known as Rugby Road. You can get a map of UVa for reference at Miller Hall, (the admissions office) west of the Range on McCormick Road. Tradition --------- Before going on, a mention MUST be made about tradition at the University of Virginia. Tradition is one of the THE defining characteristics of UVa. Students, faculty and administrators alike take it very seriously. The beginning of an understanding of UVa tradition is language. People at UVa speak their own language. For example, a UVa person would say: Grounds, not Campus Mr. Jefferson, not TJ or Tom Fraternities, not Frats First-years, not Freshmen (and it's been that way since 1825) Professors are "Mister" Smith not "Doctor" Smith The University not The U UVa. not U.Va. Yes, it is somewhat pedantic and elitist, but it is taken very seriously. Professors have been known to get angry if called "Doctor". Thomas Jefferson is spoken of with reverent familiarity, as if he had only just gone off to Mount Vernon for a talk with George Washington and will return to the University shortly. One of the keys of this tradition is the University's Honor System. The system is entirely student run and has only one sanction. If a person is convicted of an honor offense, that student is asked to leave the University. The Honor System was spawned after a student shot a professor in the mid-1800s. Enjoyment ---------- The students at UVa are known as Wahoos. A Wahoo is a fish that can drink twice its weight. This description is rather fitting for the heavy-partying student body at UVa. On any given Friday or Saturday night one can walk up Rugby Road and into any number of Fraternity parties. These Fraternities are required to have a guest list, but this is easy for Hitchhiker's to subvert if they are aware of UVa tradition. Thomas Jefferson, Satan and God are on most every fraternity guest list. Simply name yourself one of these three immortals, and you will gain entry and alcohol. For weeknights, partying usually does not take place on Rugby as much as on other roads and residences around UVa. You might take a walk down Jefferson Park Avenue South of Central Grounds and listen for music. For bars, the Corner is the best place to go. The Corner is a collection of shops, restaurants and bars down University Avenue, east of the Rotunda. One of the best bars is hidden behind the Corner itself, up 14th Street on Wertland Street. This bar is St. Maartens. There are two types of hotwings there that are not on the menu. For those with asbestos mouths, request the "Death Wings" or the "Seventh Level of Hell" wings. On the Corner itself there is a restaurant called Macados (MAC-a-doos) which makes good sandwiches, and is home to drinks called the "Gorilla Fart" (useful when Ipecac Syrup is not available), and the Baltimore Zoo (a.k.a. a whole BUNCH of alcohol!). Things To See At UVa -------------------- If weather permits, lay down on your back at the top of the Rotunda steps, and hang your head down to the step below you. Look out at the Lawn upside down. It's quite an interesting site and a lot of fun if you've got a good buzz going, or even if you don't. If you are still coherent enough to make out images at 1am, you might try sitting on the Lawn for a while to watch for streakers. Streaking the Lawn is another old UVa tradition. After watching for streakers for a while you might want to walk off some of your drink. Take a nice LONG walk down McCormick Road to Hereford College (a UVa. Residential College on top of Observatory Hill) and watch the sun rise. Alternatively, take one of the many tours offered by the University Guides. The Guides are all UVa students who volunteer to give tourists tours of the Grounds. Perhaps you might like to drop by Edgar Allen Poe's old room on the Range. He was a student here for a semester. Saturdays during the fall you can attend a UVa football game and watch the Cavaliers in action, watched by students dressed in their Sunday best, drinking Bourbon and Coke (another tradition). Don't miss the humourous antics of the Virginia Pep Band at half-time! Advice For Hitchhikers ---------------------- It is very easy to lose track of one's purpose in the face of the parties at UVa. Make sure to have people watch out for you - Charlottesville is a city, and crime is a problem. Wahoos in general are friendly folks, they will take care of you if you ask nicely (or at least stuff you inside somewhere relatively safe to sleep off anything you need to sleep off). As for a place to stay, Housing at UVa is overcrowded, so knowing someone is the best way to go. If you have access to funds you might stay at one of the many hotels in Charlottesville. The Best Western Cavalier Inn is within walking distance from Central Grounds. Avoid the dining halls if possible, a company called ARAMARK is contracted to serve food in these places. The term food is interpreted VERY loosely. Your most stable bet for food is going to be the McDonald's in the Barracks Road Shopping Center. Most of the restaurants on the Corner have good food as well. In the final analysis UVa is a very fun place to be. The music scene is excellent (the Dave Matthew's Band got their start here), the parties are loud and fun, the students are engaging (as a general rule), and the environment is beautiful. I highly recommend a visit for any Hitchhiker. Field Researcher's Note: This article is IMHO and not a definitive guide to UVa. %e *EOA* * * End of file: REAL11.NEW * Share and Enjoy! *