* * Archive: REAL12.NEW * * Created on: Tue Aug 3 15:24:41 1999 * * Number of articles: 25 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to find * an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * 8R2-1 Lunchtime * 8R3-1 First Day Of The Month * 2R206-1 Damn, God * 2R207-1 Virginia Commonwealth University, Richmond, Virginia, USA, Earth * 2R208-1 Richmond, Virginia, USA, Earth * 6R46-1 Abbreviations, List Of * 6R47-1 Fast Food * 6R48-1 Inge Von Auchne, Little Known Writer * 6R49-1 Old Man In The Mountain, White Mountains, New Hampshire, USA, Earth * 6R50-1 Steamships * 8R4-1 Busker's Arc * 8R6-1 FAQ * 8R7-1 Mundanes * 8R8-1 Baths, Unusual Use Of * 8R9-1 Vehicles To Cruise The Infobahn * 8R10-1 Jehovah's Witnesses * 8R11-1 Professions: System Administrator * 8R12-1 Lawn Ornaments * Seattle-4 Seattle, Washington, USA, Earth * 8R13-1 Postmodern, How To Be * 8R14-1 Professions: Writing Shareware, Drawback Of * 6R52-1 Pubs, How To Deal With Them * 6R53-1 Insane, How Do You Prove You Are Not? * 8R15-1 Area 51 * 8R16-1 Walking Out Of Comic Shops In Kreuzberg, Berlin, Germany, Earth * %t Lunchtime %n 8R2 %s The Deep, Dark Void Of The Day %a Andy Wardley (abw@peritas.demon.co.uk) %d 19931015 %x Quantum Mechanics Of Sandwiches In Lunchboxes * %k Canteen %e Falling somewhere between those periods that have come to be known as "morning" and "afternoon", the deep, dark temporal void that we know as "lunchtime" falls. Serving not only as a handy, fun-size marker to indicate whether the day is on an upward struggle, or a downhill slide, lunchtime allows us to partake of vital nutritional nourishment. That is, of course, assuming that your canteen isn't due to close in a period not in excess of five minutes. This is perhaps the overring factor contributing to the conciseness of this article. %e *EOA* %t First Day Of The Month %n 8R3 %s Bank Holidays And Other Days Of Rest %a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (alexmc@biccdc.co.uk) %d 19940901 * %k Bank Holiday * %k DIY %e The first day of the month is held to be a special day in many Earth cultures. Strange social rituals are enacted on this day which, although it happens rather regularly, creeps up on you quite unexpectedly. In Britain, for instance, you may be confronted by people who pinch you, then punch you on the arm, and say "Pinch, Punch, First of the Month." The origins of this rather unpleasant custom are lost in time, however I can offer you some useful advice. The only defence against this custom is to pinch and punch first because tradition demands that the pinchee is not allowed to retaliate. There are more pleasant first of the month customs. The first of May is often a holiday - imaginatively called May Day. This has been taken up by various nations including the recently expired communist state of USSR. Britain thoughtfully puts its holidays on the first Monday on or after the first of the month. This is because having a holiday during the weekend is rather redundant because most people would be not working anyway. These Monday holidays are called Bank Holiday's for some archaic reason - but of course banks are not open. Thankfully most large DIY stores are open on Bank Holiday Mondays because a large number of people on holiday do DIY. The reason behind this is unknown, and rather surprising since many DIY enthusiasts can earn enough in that one day to pay for a professional to do the "DIY" work much better than they could themselves. %e *EOA* %t Damn, God %n 2R206 %s Be Careful What You Say %a David Carroll Hall (iphase!tlvx!wopr!nomad@jaxnet.jaxnet.com) * a.k.a. Nomad of Norad %d 19940716 %i God Damn %x Hell %e No, God's last name is _NOT_ Damn!! %e *EOA* %t Virginia Commonwealth University, Richmond, Virginia, USA, Earth %n 2R207 Not Author Confirmed %s Don't Panic, But Get The Hell Out Of There Quick %a Christopher W. Murphy (cmurphy@richmond.infi.net) %d 19950411 %x Richmond, Virginia, USA, Earth %x University Of Virginia, Charlottesville, Virginia, USA, Earth %x Earth %e Virginia Commonwealth University, pronounced (oddly enough), "VEE-SEE-YOO." Located in the Fan Area of Richmond, Virginia, VCU is an urban university. Consulting with the elders of the community, a group of disaffected 27-year olds still pursuing their undergraduate degrees, I learned of the near- mythical formation of VCU out of the dregs and detritus of the Richmond Professional Institute, or something else just as inappropriately named. As of the writing of this article, VCU is divided into two camps: the Art Department, and Everyone Else. The Art Department stresses non-conformity (in accordance with thoroughly documented regulations - posted in Room 119a of the Cabell Building) and music appreciation. What about artistic training? Well, that's the way it goes sometimes... Everyone else? Well, you'll recognize them. They might not look like you, but they definitely don't look like the Art majors. They're characterized by the haggard, trapped look in their eyes, probably resulting from the fact that they've all recognized they're suffering beneath the mind-numbing mediocrity of the instruction and classes. Any positive points? Supposedly, people leave and never, ever come back. Mixing some of these phrases into conversation has been known to get you out of a few tight places: * "I only have about one more year..." * "Uh, I think I saw them play live once..." * "Just trying to get a band together..." * "Just trying to get published..." * "Yeah, I got accepted at few other schools too..." %e *EOA* %t Richmond, Virginia, USA, Earth %n 2R208 Not Author Confirmed %s A Bitter Travelogue %a Christopher W. Murphy (cmurphy@richmond.infi.net) %d 19950411 %x Virginia Commonwealth University, Richmond, Virginia, USA, Earth %e What can I say about Richmond, Virginia? It's a sucking chest wound of a town. Kind of an experiment in sociology gone cruelly wrong. Don't panic. Pass through. Smell the homegrown apathy. Live and learn. Don't feed the natives. Locations of special note or interest: The Fan ------- A series of streets which spread apart in a fan shape. One small pocket of quasi-bohemia, an oasis of intellectuals (and those who feel that they should be intellectuals even if their grey matter just doesn't pass muster; see Art Majors, Virginia Commonwealth University) is located on these streets. Interestingly enough, one street, Monument Avenue, is decorated with statues dedicated to anarchists. Virginia Commonwealth University -------------------------------- Sort of an educational purgatory. (See _Virginia Commonwealth University, Richmond, USA, Earth_). Hollywood Cemetery ------------------ Final resting place of an assortment of anarchists, generals, presidents, a few minor literary figures, and misc. blue bloods. Littered with ornate headstones, crypts and mausoleums. Very gothic, very funereal - if you like that sort of thing. 3rd Street Diner ---------------- Located at the corner of 3rd and Main, it has the best bacon cheeseburger in town. Open 24 hours. A healthier mix of people than you're liable to find anywhere else in the state, let alone the city. Bottoms Up Pizza ---------------- Located in Shokoe "Bottom," ha-ha, it's easily the best pizza in town. Be forewarned: during lunch the place is filled with suits from the Corporate sector and at nights it's filled with drunken yuppies. The things you have to endure for a good pie... Downtown -------- A gutted industrial waste. Now it sports only a few discount stores and is dominated by corporate high rise buildings. Virtually deserted after the close of business hours. Tumbleweeds would blow through, except they're too afraid of being beaten up or shook down for spare change. Be sure to check out the 6th St Marketplace and Main St. Station, two failed attempts at revitalizing the Downtown area. If you listen carefully, you can still hear the tax dollars being sucked, sucked away. %e *EOA* %t Abbreviations, List Of %n 6R46 %s List Of Abbreviations %a Rickard Andersson (rickard@softlab.se) %d 19951027 %x AAAA %x Acronyms %x CASIP And AAAAAAA %x Abbreviations %e An abbreviation is a short way of saying something longer with a smaller set of characters than was necessary without the abbreviation. Here is a list of some of the abbreviations that are being used right now: AAAA = Anonymous Acronym Abuse Association. ANFSCD = And Now For Something Completely Different. ASAP = As Soon As Possible. BTSOOM = Beats The Shit Out Of Me. BTW = By The Way. CBS = Corporate BullShit. CFN = Ciao For Now. CUL8R = See You Later. CYA = See You All FAQ = Frequently Asked Question. FUBAR = Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition. FW = Freeware. FWIW = For What It's Worth. FYI = For Your Information. IAE = In Any Event. IMO = In My Opinion. IMHO = In My Humble Opinion. IMNSHO = In My Not So Humble Opinion. INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY = Interactive Network For Organizing, Retrieving, Manipulating, Accessing and Transferring Information On National systems, Unleashing Practically Every Rebellious Human Intelligence, Gratifying Hackers, Wise-asses and Yahoos. JASE = Just Another System Error. KIBO = Killed Intentionally By Owner. LOL = Laughing Out Loud. L8R = Later. MFZ = Microsoft Free Zone. OTOH = On The Other Hand. PD = Public Domain. RSN = Real Soon Now. ROTFL = Rolling On The Floor Laughing. RTFM = Read The Fucking Manual. SITD = Still In The Dark. SNAFU = Situation Normal, All Fucked Up. SW = Shareware. TANSTAAFL = There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch. TIA = Thanks In Advance. TLA = Three Letter Acronym [1]. YMMV = Your Milage Might Vary. WYSIWYG = What You See Is What You Get. WWW = World Wide Web. To end it all up, here are some PGG relevant abbreviations: AGG = Alt.Galactic-Guide. EOA = End Of Article. GAG = Guaranteed Article Group. GAP = Guaranteed Article Period. PGG = Project Galactic Guide. PGGAIM = Project Galactic Guide Article Idea Manager. PGGE = Project Galactic Guide Editor. PGGFR = Project Galactic Guide Field Researcher. PGGFRN = Project Galactic Guide Field Researcher Number. PGGFRR = Project Galactic Guide Field Researcher Recruiter. PGGL = Project Galactic Guide Librarian. PGGML = Project Galactic Guide Markup Language. [1] ETLA = Extended Three Letter Acronym. %e *EOA* %t Fast Food %n 6R47 %s Fast food, What Is It, And Some Warnings %a Johan C. Roraback (rorabackj@bethany.bethanylb.edu) %d 19951031 * %k Food %i Chain Restaurants %x Lunchtime %e Humans seem to be fascinated with a concept they call fast food. The idea is not a bad one; walk into a restaurant tell them what you want, get it, pay and start eating in less than 5 Earth minutes. Strangely enough this seldom happens. One enters one of these establishments, explains to the being behind the counter that one wishes to have ground up pieces of a dead bovine heated up until burnt, placed on a construct of ground grain, bovine breast-feeding solution, dead animal or plant fat, avian embryonic fluid, and bacteria, heated until fluffy and solid, with the usual condiments. One also states that one wishes to have some tubers boiled in oil, and a liquid infused with carbondioxide, saturated with sugar, containing a caramel color and a drug know as caffeine. One gives the serving being some green paper. One waits, and waits and waits. The restaurant being then tells you that if you sit down your sustenance will be brought right to you in a few Earth minutes. One waits. One waits more. One gets extremely hungry. One starts losing mental function. One forgets where they, why they are here and what they ordered. A being then brings your sustenance to you. You open up the plant fiber wrappers and discover what they claim is your order. You accept it and eat it reluctantly rather than go through this all again as they try to correct your order. There are other scenarios that may occur but eating fast food is simple if you remember the following rules. 1. What you say you want is not what they hear you saying. 2. What you get is not what you ordered. 3. What you pay is more than the sum of the totals of the prices of what you ordered. 4. Your food will be ready just as your patience runs out. 5. The food will not look as impressive on the plate as it did in the picture. 6. The smiling people behind the counter are not really friendly. 7. The drink you want will not be available. 8. Anyone who does not look human will not be welcome. 9. Never use a restroom there unless absolutely necessary. 10. Never look to closely at your food. %e *EOA* %t Inge Von Auchne, Little Known Writer %n 6R48 %s You've Never Heard Of Him, And For Good Reason %a Johan C. Roraback (rorabackj@bethany.bethanylb.edu) %d 19951031 * %k Writers %i Someone You Will Never Hear Of Outside Of The Guide * %k Authors %i Having A Rock In Your Head %i Writing Stories %e Inge von Auchne is a not so famous author. He is not famous for two good reasons: 1. Inge von Auchne is a silly pen name. 2. Inge has never written anything that anyone would ever consider worth publishing. Inge seems to have a very relaxed writing style. When asked how he writes he responded that when he feels like writing all he does is sit down, put a pencil to paper and write. He writes whatever comes into his head. He described it as subconscious writing. To write subconsciously one sits in front of writing utensils and lets one's mind wander, and when one's mind is done wandering one's story is done being written. Using this method Inge says that his writings don't really fit set definition of style. He says that he writes stories, not science fiction, not fantasy, not westerns, etc... What he writes are stories, just stories, and if they fit someone else's definition of a type of story then that is their problem. Inge does very little writing other than his stories. He says that he often writes letters but is seldom happy with what they say so he doesn't send them. Inge finds a great deal of satisfaction when he finishes writing something. Most would feel that this is strange, because when many authors write they enjoy the act of writing more than they do the act of finishing. They see writing as an enjoyment not as a duty. Inge Believes that it is the other way around. Inge described the need to write as like having a large rock in your head, and finishing a writing project as not having a large rock in your head. Inge often talks about a high school writing assignment he had, where he decided to write a book. He got the first forty pages done, and then turned the story into his English teacher who told him that his story was "shit", and that he couldn't write well to save his life. Naturally that made Inge angry, and he never talked to that teacher again. Inge admits he did recently reread his story and discovered that the English teacher was right. Inge says that the hardest part of writing for him is deciding what to write. When one writes for pleasure one can write what one wishes and at one's own pace, with assignments it is different. One has no choice about when and how so the choice of subject and length is somewhat restricted. Inge often gets simple ideas, or thoughts that take no time to think but take hours to express or pages and pages to write. Inge feels that although an Idea can become boring that one should never rush the writing of the idea because that often causes one to lose that idea, or to ruin it. Inge gave several examples of ideas that an author killed. Don Quixote was one example. It is a great story but the author seems just to get tired at the end, so he kills off the main character and the story ends. That is not an ending worthy of the piece. Another example is Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail. It is a good movie, but just when it gets good and you get interested with it, it ends and you feel cheated. Just as anyone who gets into this article feels when it ends now. %e *EOA* %t Old Man In The Mountain, White Mountains, New Hampshire, USA, Earth %n 6R49 %s A Feat Of Erosion %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) * Credits to Marc Kippen (rmkippen@unh.edu) for doing the research for * me, and for giving me quotable material. * Credits to David Kraics, who gave me the idea in the first place %d 19951104 %x Earth * %k Erosion %e Up in the White Mountains, New Hampshire, USA, Earth, natural erosion has produced one of those amazing wonders of nature, a rock formation in which you can clearly see the face of an old man [1]. However, it doesn't look as good as it used to; the face is degrading, possibly because it's a main tourist attraction, but mostly because it's erosion we're dealing with here anyway. One man [2] has taken it upon himself to be the caretaker of the rock formation for the past 30 years or so. Every summer he ritually climbs up the mountain and repairs what was damaged during the past winter. The poor man doesn't realise he's fighting a losing battle, given the difference between geologic and human time-scales. So for man to be able to witness the sculptures of erosion, erosion has to be violated. Who knows what we're missing this way. No "old Gnarf in the mountain" for us I'm afraid, sorry. [1] Seeing faces in all kinds of things is very common, yet if it happens to you extremely often, and the faces seem to be floating before your eyes, I would advise you to consult your therapist. This face is actually much clearer than most faces you see in things. [2] okay, maybe several. %e *EOA* %t Steamships %n 6R50 %s What You Have To Experience If You Visit Stockholm, Sweden, Earth %a Henrik O A Barkman (h-bar@solace.ct.se) %d 19950922 %x Earth %x Sweden, Earth %x Sweden: The True Story %x Water %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %e About three-quarters of the surface of the planet known as Earth is actually not covered with what the inhabitants of that planet call "earth", but rather a strange liquid substance consisting of oxygen and hydrogen. This substance is known among the Earthlings as water, and the water-filled areas are called "seas" or "rivers" or a number of other names depending on the structure of that particular area. Most inhabitants of the planet can't travel over water without aid from some kind of vessel. One person was actually able to walk on water, 2000 years ago, and he is still famous for that feat. The rest build "ships" for their travel. However, the ships need to be propelled somehow, and due to a beautiful coincidence water can be used in that process as well. If a certain amount of water is heated, it will cease to be liquid and become gaseous, increasing its volume. If the water is heated in a container - sealed except for one hole - a jet of vapour ("steam") will result. The kinetic energy in that jet can be harnessed and utilized in making the ship move water in the direction opposite to the preferred direction of movement. One side effect of doing so is that the ship will move as well, in the other direction. Since the invention of the steam engine other types of engines have been devised. They may be simpler in construction, or more efficient in the conversion of chemically bound energy, but in my opinion they lack the "soul" of a good old steam engine with its rhythmic combination of sounds and motions. Some people claim that a steam engine should be fed with stored energy of a particular form, most often wood or coal. I'm not that picky. Wood, coal, oil or even a nuclear reactor - it's still a steam engine. The "four elements" of ancient Earth lore are present, and in harmony. Earth (wood or coal), air (steam), water (liquid water) and fire (burning fuel). Now, where would a hitch-hiker go to see and experience the beauty of a steam ship? The obvious answer would be the local harbour (a place where ships every now and then go to have contact with solid earth and load fuel, cargo and some occasional passengers). This will, however, most likely not be the case, since most steamships have been taken out of business and/or converted to use some other type of engine. This is a terrible shame, but fortunately there are surviving steamships in some places on Earth. Istanbul in Turkey is said to have the largest number of steamships. I have never been to Turkey, so I will tell you some more about number two on the list: Stockholm, Sweden. Stockholm is the capital of a country known as Sweden, and is also - at least among its steamship captains - known as the steamship capital of the world. You will find that several steamships are running westward on Lake Maelaren and eastward in Stockholm's archipelago in the Baltic Sea. At least they are running in the summer. These steamships are parts of a living tradition of communication among the thousands of inhabited islands of the area. What you have to watch out for, however, is the modern landing craft type of ships, designed to take the maximum number of passengers to a destination in a minimum amount of time. They are no fun at all, except possibly to poke fun at... With a little luck, you will find a ship with a captain (or more likely a tourist guide) who will tell you about the history of the places you pass by. There are about one thousand years of ever-changing war and peace and other interesting episodes to tell about. %e *EOA* %t Busker's Arc %n 8R4 %s Semi-Circular Gap Between A Performer And A (Perhaps) Unwilling Audience %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19951122 %x Boredom %x Faking UFOs * %k Music * %k Crowd * %k Noise * %k Semi-Circle * %k Crop Circles %e Many urban areas are home to a certain types of people who spend a lot of their time - for reasons of unemployment, boredom, or just plain enjoyment - performing their music in public places. It has been observed on countless occasions that any pedestrians passing such a musician will move past in a distanced semi-circular shape that can be measured in a directly increasing proportion to the sound level of the aforementioned artist. It can also be observed that the physical behaviour of these musicians will also influence the degree to which pedestrians will depart from their chosen route. Perhaps the most curious thing about some of these artists, is the type of music they play - where this is generally regarded to be oddly familiar in an unplaceable way. It can occasionally be observed to benefit the lives of others, bringing as it does, the joy of hearing one's favourite tune as one strolls by, taking in the air - though this is not always the case. However, the degree to which someone may benefit by the sound of the music, does not usually influence the degree to which they avoid it. It has been speculated by some, that there may be a connection with the ever-growing mystery of crop circles. Could it be that these are merely the stage for a number of major busker fairs? The sceptics would prefer to reach to the furthest corners of the universe for explanations that may well lay far closer to home. Or perhaps, on the flip-side of the coin, could the whole business of buskers, itself, be a mysterious and deadly invasion plan from beyond the stars? Time will tell... %e *EOA* %t FAQ %n 8R6 %s Frequently Asked Questions List, The Real %a Dave A. Lartigue (lartigue@prairienet.org) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet (originally in alt.religion.kibology) * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19941207 %i Questions That Are Frequently Asked %x Damn, God %e 1) What time is it? 2) Is it still raining outside? 3) Can you get me a coke, while you're up? 4) Would you like fries with that? 5) How much does that cost? 6) Where's my goddam watch? 7) Will you pleeeease have sex with me? 8) Paper or plastic? 9) What do I want to eat? 10) You did what? %e *EOA* %t Mundanes %n 8R7 %s Those Who Are Not Science Fiction Fans %a David Carroll Hall (Nomad of Norad) (tlvx!wopr!nomad@interphase.com) %d 19951102 %i Science Fiction Non-fans %i Those Not Interested In Fantasy %x Imperial College Science Fiction Society %x Jargon In British Science Fiction Fandom %x Encyclopedia Of Science Fiction %e On Earth, science fiction and fantasy fans have a term they apply to the people who are not particularly science fiction or fantasy fans. These are people who don't really understand the activities of these fans, or think them strange because they go to all these Star Trek conventions and Blake's Seven conventions and comic book conventions and even Groo conventions for goodness sake. They are called Mundanes. Mundanes, as it happens, find it strange that these fans spend money on models of phasers, on Star Trek communicator pins, on Star Trek uniforms, costumes and spaceship blueprints. They scratch their heads wondering why these fans try to learn to speak Klingon. But, of course, Mundanes have their crazy obsessions, too. Some Mundanes go out of their way to buy up everything in sight related to, say, a particular football team. They buy all the penants, posters, key-chains, pins, T-shirts, automotive air-fresheners, and even footballs with a certain team logo. Then they spend large sums buying season tickets for the games, even spending extra to get box seats, where they can watch these silly games in air-conditioned comfort. And then they spend money on all these silly noisemakers, big foam rubber hands gesturing "Number One!" to wave around in the air, and other basically useless junk. And then they buy biographies of the players, buy any magazine issue that has an article or an interview with a member of their team, buy record albums dedicated to their team, and so on and so on... And yet they wonder why science fiction fans spend so much on collecting the deck plans of starships, autographed posters of Luke Skywalker, and replicas of sonic screwdrivers. _Great Prophet Zarquon!_ %e *EOA* %t Baths, Unusual Use Of %n 8R8 %s Fun In The Bath %a SirWill1 (SirWill1@omni.voicenet.com) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet (originally alt.slack) * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19941231 %i Tub-Farting %x Martial Arts And Farts %x Defecation * %k Baths * %k Farts * %k Pastime %e I used to think the following was unusual, but I've found out that damn near everyone does it, so this fun pastime may not be unknown to you. Take a hot bath and drain the tub. When it's empty, but still nice and warm, lie back and flatten your back against the bottom. You can feel all the air get pressed out from underneath your back as you push down, creating a vacuum -- a suction cup effect. Now you can begin to learn the art of tub-farting! You lift a tiny section of your back to get hissing sounds, a larger section to get pseudo-fudgies and pseudo-flutterblasts. I've even managed a couple of pseudo-trelblos and once performed a pseudo-follow-up- flooper. It really entertains the kiddies and it's fun to do by yourself. You can even read Revelation-X while pseudo-crepitating. %e *EOA* %t Vehicles To Cruise The Infobahn %n 8R9 %s Guide To Protocols And Applications %a Neil Cook (nlc@cs.nott.ac.uk) * Found on alt.humor.best-of-usenet (originally in uk.net) by * Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19950117 %i Information Super Highway Equations * %k Computers * %k Software %x FTP, A Boring Article On How To Use %e In the wake of continuing public awareness about the so called "Information Super Highway", or "Infobahn", here is a guide to the different protocols and applications which you can use to cruise... OSI --- This sleek black car has obviously been long years in the design process - almost everything has been thought of, down to the last detail. Unfortunately, it is 500 metres long, weighs 300 tons, and has no accelerator pedal. It takes a long time to get going, but once it reaches its top speed (15 mph), it takes a lot to stop it. A gentle hill will usually do the trick... TCP/IP ------ This hillbilly pickup truck has the most crazy assortment of add ons you can possibly imagine, but underneath there is a deceptively simple, rust-free chassis. You can also hear the purr of an obviously turbo-charged V8 engine underneath the clutter, but it's getting harder to find. It'll do 0-60 in 4 seconds, but it has no brakes. Brakes? Who needs brakes? Just jam a crowbar in the axle and lock the wheels... WWW --- This is a huge freeway system, with roads crossing roads all over the place. Exits flash past at bewildering speed, and before long you can think you're lost beyond hope of ever being found. However, if you know where you want to go, you're okay, since you can guarantee that there will be at least a dozen ways to get there. Unfortunately, they're all off that road underneath you. So you just have to work out how to get there... Mosaic ------ This is a huge tour bus, the very latest air conditioned, luxury model. It'll take you wherever you want to go, as long as there is a 5-lane freeway right to the doorstep, otherwise get off and walk (it's quicker). Oh, and the highway is jammed with hundreds of other buses full of Japanese tourists busy taking photos and writing articles about the anarchic freedom of the highways, whilest sitting in a huge traffic jam waiting to get into Graceland. ftp --- This is a sleek bare-bones sports car with an ultra aerodynamic body. It will take you where you want to go in the blink of a second and you can fill the boot with as much stuff as you want. However, there is no windscreen, 184 gears, and you have to type in a 12 digit number from memory to tell it where to go. telnet ------ This is a reliable old family saloon car. It never breaks down, can fit down any road, no matter how small and twisty, and performs well no matter what the road conditions. However, it goes at the same speed on a 6 lane autobahn as on a dirt track, and it steers like a 12 ton truck. X Windows --------- This is a flashy red convertible, with electric windows, doors, sun roof etc. Inside, you can alter the position of the steering wheel, the layout of all the controls and instruments, the sound of the horn, and the colour of any of the fittings. It is the ultimate accessory for the power user, and gives you many happy years of pleasure. It is only when you get out of the car that you realise that you never left the drive. Windows 95 ---------- This car is in such great demand that your order cannot be delivered until next year. However, when you do get it, it looks great, a big improvement over the Windows 3 model, and it boasts a big "Highway Ready" sticker in the back window, which means you finally get to leave the car park. You get inside, and press the big red "Go InfoBahn" button on the dashboard. You wait for the g force. Nothing happens for 10 minutes, then the square wheels fall off. %e *EOA* %t Jehovah's Witnesses %n 8R10 %s Tips On How To Remove Your House From The Jehovah's Witness' Visit List %a Foog (afogarasi@ivory.trentu.ca) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet (originally in alt.best.of.internet) * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19941211 %e How to remove your house from the Jehovah's Witness' visit list: 1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (Immediate results.) 2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of Christian charity lasts. 3. Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave. 4. Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty two children. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat. (2 Kings, chapter 2, ummm... somewhere near the end.) 5. Excuse yourself from your sitting room (or wherever) and DO NOT come back. 6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls (booky, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearfull confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.) 7. Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again. 8. Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling. 9. (Males only) Feign an intense interest in their spiel. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosiery, a dress, the whole works. Make encouraging noises (uh huh, I see...) throughout, and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7. If they're still there when you are done, ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes. 10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God. Have fun %e *EOA* %t Professions: System Administrator %n 8R11 %s Why Not To Become A Sysadmin %a Thomas Farrell (tfarrell@lynx.dac.neu.edu) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet (originally alt.sysadmin.recovery) * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19950510 %x Jolt Cola * %k Computers * %k Professions * %k Work * %k Jobs %x Mars, Hailing A Taxi On %e The life of a sysadmin goes approximately as follows. 8am: Your pager goes off and wakes you up. The message says it's the office, and it's a crisis. You roll out of bed moaning. 8:15am: You are now sufficiently awake to phone the office. Your pager has gone off three times already. You get through to the office and the receptionist is frantic. She says nobody in the entire office can print and they have a major proposal that has to be faxed out before 9am and if it isn't, the company could lose a million dollars in new business. You try to get her to explain what's wrong, but she's incoherent. 8:30am: You're dressed in yesterday's dirty clothes (they were all you could find in time) and running out the door, sipping a Jolt cola and hailing a cab to the office. 8:45am: You arrive at the office. 8:46am: You determine that the problem is that the printer is turned off, and you turn it back on. 10,000 pages spew out from the hundreds of multiple failed attempts by all of your coworkers to print. 8:47am: Your boss reams you out for "not having fixed that printer problem last time when you said it was all taken care of. You spend the next hour explaining that there's nothing you can do to stop people from turning off the printer if they *really* want to. You don't bother to mention that you happen to know that the person who did it is your boss's spouse. 9:45ish: You finally convince your boss to release you and make your way to your office, assaulted all along the way by people demanding that you must help them fix things right now that you know are going to take weeks and really aren't priority. 10am: You finally arrive at your office and shut and lock the door to keep out the users. You start to read the 40 or so e-mail messages you find waiting every morning, which include about 5 new requests, 34 or so messages demanding to know why such and such hasn't gotten done yet, and one message from your boss denying your request to have an assistant and demanding that you justify how you spend your time yet again. 10:30am: You realize that you're never going to finish getting through your e-mail if you keep getting interrupted by these damned telephone calls from the same people who sent you the e-mail asking the same questions, so you put your phone on do-not-disturb and go back to your e-mail. 11am: You've just finished responding to all of your e-mail, including the umpteen millionth justification of your existence for your boss. Unfortunately, the secretary has figured out how to order the phone system to override your do-not-disturb on your phone, and is now routing all the angry phone calls from your coworkers to you. 11:30am: You finish talking to everyone on the phone and calming them down. 11:30am-4:30pm: You work your ass off on whatever projects have the most urgency to the company. Usually this involves a lot of work with software, crawling around on the floor several times, tearing a hole in your clothing and banging your head (hard) on the bottom of a desk. 3pm: You have your lunch delivered to your office. 4:30pm: You finally get to touch your lunch, and realize that Burger King french fries do not taste good cold. You're on about your 15th coke since arriving in the office. 4:35pm: Your lunch is over. You're not finished eating, but your boss has just phoned you (he knows how to override the DND on the phone too) and demanded that you drop everything and go fix some asinine problem which you know is caused by the user and which you fix every week and which you have warned the user about but about which they just don't listen. 6:30pm: You finish the project your boss set you to and decide to try to sneak out of the office and go home. (Not that you have a social life or anything, but you haven't had 8 hours sleep in a month and a half.) In the elevator on the way out of the office you encounter a coworker, who grabs you by the ear and drags you back to the office to fix something that's bugging them. 6:30pm-8pm: Somehow, despite repeated attempts to leave, the moment you try to actually do so, someone else appears to force you to work. 8pm: You're about to depart when you're suddenly informed that there's some vitally urgent data processing that has to be done and that only you know how to do and which can't be performed until all of the data entry people have left for the night at 10pm. 8pm-10pm: You try to nap in your office but the phone keeps ringing so you finally give up and put in several more hours of working. 10pm: You try to do your data processing but can't because there are still people logged into the data acquisition system. You spend the next fifteen minutes running around begging them to log out, and they reply that "yeah, I'll be out in a minute..." 10:20pm: You get sick of waiting, walk over to the server console, issue commands to kick off all the users, and disable logins. 10:30pm-2:30am: You perform that data processing which nobody else could do because they won't let you teach them because they know what kind of hours you have to put in doing it. Midnight: Your blood turns to coca-cola. 2:30am: You realize that the data processing isn't QUITE done but you're about to pass out so you re-enable logins so you won't get paged about THAT in the morning, scrounge a taxi voucher out of your desk (they've given you your own pad because you use them so often), call a taxi, and leave the building. 2:45am-3:15am: You freeze your ass off waiting for a taxi. 3:15am-3:30am: The taxi takes you home. The driver seems to have decided to take the scenic route for the hell of it. 3:31am: You collapse in a heap on your bed and fall asleep face down with your shoes on the pillows and your clothes still on because you're too tired to remove your clothes or even orient yourself properly on the bed. 8:00am: Your pager goes off. Repeat ad nauseum until your boss doesn't like your response to one of his "justify your existence" demands and fires you or you die of caffeine poisoning. Oh, and don't bother factoring in any weekends or holidays: You'll be expected to work those too. Now do you have some slight understanding of why I don't like being a sysadmin? I *really* lived like this for about a year. I'm amazed I survived it. %e *EOA* %t Lawn Ornaments %n 8R12 %s Account Of A Roadside Hazard For Motorists %a Mark A Cronenweth (conehead+@pitt.edu) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940814 * %k Ohio, USA, Earth * %k Motoring %x Earth %e How many times have you been rolling down the road with the motor humming a tune, minding your own business, dragging your pegs through a corner when suddenly - A WHOLE FAMILY OF DEER IS ABOUT TO LEAP INTO THE ROAD! I usually leave a skid mark on the pavement and maybe one on my seat before I realize they're plastic yard-enhancements. What specific genetic defect causes people to do this? Or do they all own towing companies? I can just imagine ma and pa setting on the porch swing chuckling as they hear those tires squeal in panic. Anyway, on my vacation of last week I came across the most horrifying yard ornament yet. On a goat-track undivided road 656 in the hills of West- Central Ohio, as I round a blind uphill left-hander which drops quickly away to the right, a full size giraffe suddenly appears on the left not 10 feet away as I come over the crest way too fast. Once the adrenaline rush faded it was pretty funny. Giraffes in Ohio. Well, it certainly was an interesting vacation. %e *EOA* %t Seattle, Washington, USA, Earth %n 6R51 %s A City In The Northwestern United States %a Matt Jason Nordstrand (metheus@eskimo.com) %d 19951201 %d 19980120 %x Progressive Rock %x Coffee %k Rain %k Amtrak %k Flannel %k Alternative Rock %e Native Life: Caffeine Junkies, Musicians, and Californians. Seattle is one of the more hoopy places to visit, or when it comes to it, to live in, explore, or get hit by a passing bus in, and compared to other urban landscapes such as New York and Los Angeles, you can breath the air without seriously needing a new set of lungs at the end of the day. Features of Seattle: 1) Rain. It rains a bloody hell of a lot. If gray skies get you down, you might as well start playing chicken with an Amtrak and get it over with. 2) Trees are abundant. In many cities today, trees are stubby shrubs with fairly thick stems; occasionally, the city planning council goes really wild and decides that some place in the city should have a lot of shrubs, and builds a park. Seattle is different, being one of the few places where you have to weed the sidewalk. 3) Coffee that will make a crackhead jittery, knock your blood pressure several zillion times higher than it should be, and in a pinch, will serve as an excellent insecticide. For some reason, most of the Seattle natives will be hard up caffeine addicts. Coffee is the staple food, economic commodity, and drink of choice of the city. If you walk more than a block and don't see an espresso stand, chances are, you're not in Seattle anymore. As it turns out, most immigrants to Seattle comprise not of Hispanic or European origin, but rather are desperate refugees from California. Strangely enough, many of these Californian immigrants get so pissed on the rain that they decide to find out whether or not the guns, violence, smog, and awfully nasty brown lawns they moved away from are really so bad after all. Most decide that rain is far less fatal than Los Angeles, but the ones that stay generally complain endlessly anyways, or start playing chicken with Amtrak. The best way to alienate yourself in Seattle is to say you're from California. The best way to get to Seattle: Anything but Amtrak. It is cost effective, but recently, you have to make a lot of stops on the way. %e *EOA* %t Postmodern, How To Be %n 8R13 %s How To Speak And Write Postmodern %a Stephen Katz (skatz@trentu.ca) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet (originally in alt.postmodern) * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19950620 %i Bluffer's Guide To Postmodernism %x Bluffer's Guides, The * %k Postmodernism %e Postmodernism has been the buzzword in academia for the last decade. Books, journal articles, conference themes and university courses have resounded to the debates about postmodernism that focus on the uniqueness of our times, where computerization, the global economy and the media have irrevocably transformed all forms of social engagement. As a professor of sociology who teaches about culture, I include myself in this environment. Indeed, I have a great interest in postmodernism both as an intellectual movement and as a practical problem. In my experience there seems to be a gulf between those who see the postmodern turn as a neo-conservative reupholstering of the same old corporate trappings, and those who see it as a long overdue break with modernist doctrines in education, aesthetics and politics. Of course there are all kinds of positions in between, depending upon how one sorts out the optimum route into the next millennium. However, I think the real gulf is not so much positional as linguistic. Posture can be as important as politics when it comes to the intelligentsia. In other words, it may be less important whether or not you like postmodernism than whether or not you can speak and write postmodernism. Perhaps you would like to join in conversation with your local mandarins of cultural theory and all-purpose deep thinking, but you don't know what to say. Or, when you do contribute something you consider relevant, even insightful, you get ignored or looked at with pity. Here is a quick guide, then, to speaking and writing postmodern. First, you need to remember that plainly expressed language is out of the question. It is too realist, modernist and obvious. Postmodern language requires that one uses play, parody and indeterminacy as critical techniques to point this out. Often this is quite a difficult requirement, so obscurity is a well-acknowledged substitute. For example, let's imagine you want to say something like, "We should listen to the views of people outside of Western society in order to learn about the cultural biases that affect us". This is honest but dull. Take the word "views". Postmodern- speak would change that to "voices", or better, "vocalities", or even better, "multivocalities". Add an adjective like "intertextual", and you're covered. "People outside" is also too plain. How about "postcolonial others"? To speak postmodern properly one must master a bevy of biases besides the familiar racism, sexism, ageism, etc. For example, phallogocentricism (male-centredness combined with rationalistic forms of binary logic). Finally "affect us" sounds like plaid pajamas. Use more obscure verbs and phrases, like "mediate our identities". So, the final statement should say, "We should listen to the intertextual multivocalities of postcolonial others outside of Western culture in order to learn about the phallogocentric biases that mediate our identities". Now you're talking postmodern! Sometimes you might be in a hurry and won't have the time to muster even the minimum number of postmodern synonyms and neologisms needed to avoid public disgrace. Remember, saying the wrong thing is acceptable if you say it the right way. This brings me to a second important strategy in speaking postmodern, which is to use as many suffixes, prefixes, hyphens, slashes, underlinings and anything else your computer (an absolute must to write postmodern) can dish out. You can make a quick reference chart to avoid time delays. Make three columns. In column A put your prefixes; post-, hyper-, pre-, de-, dis-, re-, ex-, and counter-. In column B go your suffixes and related endings; -ism, -itis, -iality, -ation, -itivity, and -tricity. In column C add a series of well-respected names that make for impressive adjectives or schools of thought, for example, Barthes (Barthesian), Foucault (Foucauldian, Foucauldianism), Derrida (Derridean, Derrideanism). Now for the test. You want to say or write something like, "Contemporary buildings are alienating". This is a good thought, but, of course, a non-starter. You wouldn't even get offered a second round of crackers and cheese at a conference reception with such a line. In fact, after saying this, you might get asked to stay and clean up the crackers and cheese after the reception. Go to your three columns. First, the prefix. Pre- is useful, as is post-, or several prefixes at once is terrific. Rather than "contemporary buildings", be creative. "The Pre/post/spacialities of counter-architectural hyper-contemporaneity" is promising. You would have to drop the weak and dated term "alienating" with some well suffixed words from column B. How about "antisociality", or be more postmodern and introduce ambiguity with the linked phrase, "antisociality/seductivity". Now, go to column C and grab a few names whose work everyone will agree is important and hardly anyone has had the time or the inclination to read. Continental European theorists are best when in doubt. I recommend the sociologist Jean Baudrillard since he has written a great deal of difficult material about postmodern space. Don't forget to make some mention of gender. Finally, add a few smoothing out words to tie the whole garbled mess together and don't forget to pack in the hyphens, slashes and parentheses. What do you get? "Pre/post/spacialities of counter-architectural hyper- contemporaneity (re)commits us to an ambivalent recurrentiality of antisociality/seductivity, one enunciated in a de/gendered- Baudrillardian discourse of granulated subjectivity". You should be able to hear a postindustrial pin drop on the retrocultural floor. At some point someone may actually ask you what you're talking about. This risk faces all those who would speak postmodern and must be carefully avoided. You must always give the questioner the impression that they have missed the point, and so send another verbose salvo of postmodernspeak in their direction as a "simplification" or "clarification" of your original statement. If that doesn't work, you might be left with the terribly modernist thought of, "I don't know". Don't worry, just say, "The instability of your question leaves me with several contradictorily layered responses whose interconnectivity cannot express the logocentric coherency you seek. I can only say that reality is more uneven and its (mis)representations more untrustworthy than we have time here to explore". Any more questions? No, then pass the cheese and crackers. %e *EOA* %t Professions: Writing Shareware, Drawback Of %n 8R14 %s Ah, The Respect And Adulation! %a Jeff Vogel (jvogel@math.rutgers.edu) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet (originally in talk.bizarre) * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19950724 %i Professions: Writing Software, Drawback Of * %k Job * %k Shareware * %k Software %e For the last five months now, I've been working on shareware full-time. Considering the amount of money that's coming in, I'm going to be working on it for some time to come. The reason I bring it up is that whenever I tell people what I do, I immediately get this look. The sort of look I'd get if I said I wiped windshields on the corner for a living. Or made beadwork. Or was an actor, not working at the moment, but I have an audition next week. Or coded in COBOL. Or was unemployed. This puts me in the position where I have to either say I make a lot of money at it, which is extremely gauche, at best, or let it slide and have the person think I'm some no-life generation X slacker flakeazoid, and I don't want that. I'm not sure I should even care. I mean, how important is it that people respect what you do for a living? Also, I should mention that nobody will ever want to fuck you because you write shareware. %e *EOA* %t Pubs, How To Deal With Them %n 6R52 %s What Every Hitchhiker Needs To Know %a Paul Presley (prezzer@cix.compulink.co.uk) %d 19951220 %i Pub Crawls * %k Alcohol %e Organising a night out ---------------------- Organisation is the key to any successful night. However it is well known that after five or six pints of Scruttocks Old Dirigible, the brain becomes incapable of organising anything other than where the next drink is coming from. This is especially true of a pub crawl. You may make a list of the venues you wish to visit but after the third or fourth stop you're more likely to find yourself trying to order six pints and a packet of crisps in the local launderette than the Dog and Duck. You can take steps to ensure that your evening is relatively trouble free though. For instance, try to make sure that your clothing does not resemble the strip of any major football/local sports team as you can rest assured that you will run into a gang of rival supporters somewhere along the line. Don't have people arranging to meet you in different pubs at different times. You will not make those appointments and no one's reserve measurements of hoopiness survives the ignominy of drinking alone in a major city. Secure five to ten pounds in a sock or other suitable hiding place to use a cab fare at the end of the night. Cabbies don't appreciate driving you right across town only to hear how you must have bought one round too many as your financial supplies have run out. Of course there are some who maintain an evening's drinking is only successful if it does ends in a court case so personal judgement is required here. How to avoid buying a round --------------------------- It is said that a true hitchhiker never pays for a drink. Over the years experienced drinkers have developed many cunning ways in which to avoid buying a round, each a personal testimony to the creator's skill. To print a complete list of avoidance tactics would take a complete book (see the forthcoming Plastered On The Price Of A Bus Fare - also by this author), but here are a few of the most common methods: 1) When a large party enters a pub it will inevitably divide into two groups. Make sure you stand in the middle of the two groups and under no circumstance make it obvious to which group you belong. If asked say you just bought a round for the other side. When an order request comes round from either side just mention whatever your drinking choice is with an air of complete indifference and it should slip in. Masters of this tactic are able to time things so that one group is always delivering just as the previous one's drink runs out. 2) As the night draws on and people's perceptions begin to blur, try to be in a position where you are able to continually swap seats or positions without making it obvious. If the group has any sense they will be trying to run things in a clockwise order so make sure you remember who paid last and try to be sitting on their right hand side when the time comes. 3) Never use the "going to the toilet" trick. Once a classic tactic, this has now been used so many times that everyone is familiar with it. What will usually happen is that the group will get the order ready for you, wait for your return and then give it to you "seeing as how you're up anyway". Skilled drinkers are able to reverse this tactic though and lay the round off on someone who has just gotten up for a true call to nature. 4) A tactic for the early part of the evening is to make sure you are the one who organises the night. When calling your friends/bank rolls, ensure they arrive at regular intervals of fifteen to twenty minutes (depending on your drinking speed). It is a well known fact that when someone enters a pub after others have arrived their first words will be "Hi, what can I get you?" Successful timing (and punctual friends) should ensure a steady stream of drinks for the first couple of hours. 5) Finally, Set up a kitty at the start of the evening and appoint yourself "treasurer". With luck you should be able to buy your drinks from the change left over from everyone else's money. Being served in --------------- Tips on being served in a major city pub. 1) If you are with a group of friends, always write down the order on a scrap of paper/napkin/back of a match-box. Failure to perform this simple task will inevitably lead to one person getting a pint of the wrong lager, one person unwillingly drinking soft drinks all night and a collection of "half a Guinness's" in the middle of the table that nobody ordered. 2) Every pub counter contains a number of "blind spots" - areas that render a person invisible to the serving staff. These are commonly located at the corners, behind supporting pillars and on top of the access hatch. It is not unheard of for a customer to enter a pub in the afternoon, set up residence over a blind spot and not be served until the landlord declares "Time gentlemen please". 3) The best way to be served is to locate the largest group of people at the bar, push your way through to the front, start waving a ten pound note around and pretend to be memorising an order for the group. Staff should be fighting their way towards you. In some large pubs this has been turned into a popular sport. A group will place bets on members of the bar staff, a member of the group will approach the bar in this fashion and the winner is the person who correctly identifies the eventual staff member. %e *EOA* %t Insane, How Do You Prove You Are Not? %n 6R53 %s How To Prove That You Are Insane %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %i Insanity Tests %d 19951130 %x Sanity, The Problem Of %k Sanity %k Crazy * %x Methods Of Proving Sanity (an article that needs to be written, * where you mail to the net and ask people to give methods.) * %x Insanity, Creative Abuse Of %e Proving you are not insane is a difficult thing to do indeed. One way _not_ to go about this task is to shout "No people, I am not insane!" Shouting that you are not insane will make people believe that you are, because only insane people shout that they are not insane. Continuing with "...or, no people, wait, I have made a mistake, I _am_ insane!" won't help you much either. The thing you will have to do before you try to prove that you are not insane, is find out if you _are_. Rest assured, as long as you can ask yourself this, and as long as you are bothered with other people having the wrong idea about you, there must still be some sanity in you. But then again, _actually_ questioning your sanity, and working out how to prove you are not insane, implicates that you _have_ got a problem with your sanity (no matter what)! errr... %e *EOA* %t Area 51 %n 8R15 %s The Top Secret US Air Force Base That Doesn't Officially Exist %a Michael Robert Saunderson (k959362@kingston.ac.uk) %d 19960205 %x Faking UFOs %x Opinions On UFOs %x Earth %x Earth Defence Shield %i Paradise Ranch %i Groom Lake, Nevada, USA, Earth %i Top Secret US Air Force Base %i US Government Allegedly Has UFO (Alien) Craft %i Dream Land %e Area 51, fact or fiction? In this article I will to strip the facts from the fiction. Due to the fact that I live in the UK, quite a distance from the alleged air base, my article will be based on anything that can be uncovered from various books on the topic of unexplained phenomena and UFOs, as well as anything that I can find on the Internet in newsgroups, etc. At the end of this article can be found a bibliography of books, articles and people consulted. Area 51 is the name commonly given to an air base which is located about ninety five miles north of Las Vegas on the site of the dried up Groom Lake. It officially does not exist. It appears on no civil or military map and around the base are signs stating that the use of "deadly force is authorized". In my language that loosely translates to "if you come here, we are allowed to shoot you on sight". I haven't heard of anyone being shot for trespassing in Area 51, but I wouldn't like to put it to the test either. A common rumour about Area 51 is that it is the housing place for a total of nine recovered alien crafts and that these are being reverse engineered in order to discover their secrets. This could be good news for Earth bound hitchhikers wishing to go intergalactic as alien technology could potentially lead to cheap forms of travel in space and time. At the moment though this is just a dream caused by an unproven rumour, the source of which I am yet to discover. There has been an attempt made to sue the US Air Force over the alleged illegal dumping of toxic waste within the complex. This action was brought forth by a group of ex-servicemen who worked within Area 51 and have suffered from illness since. The action was stopped by the President in a statement which told of how such an action would require the revealing of classified information and would therefore cause a threat to the security of the USA. So basically, within Area 51, the laws of the USA do not exist. One thing that prevented this case going through was the fact that one of the key figures in the prosecution's case was suddenly forbidden by a court order to either own or refer to a copy of the areas security manual. Quite odd, considering that this is an unclassified, publicly available document. Since this event, steps are allegedly being taken to classify this document in order to make sure that it can never be used in any legal actions. For any hitchhiker wanting to see weird stuff flying about in the sky, then it is claimed that the sky above Area 51 is the place for things to happen. The best observation point was "Freedom Ridge", but this been closed of by the US Air Force with the claiming of over 4000 acres of land. The same threats as mentioned earlier can be found in that area now, so if you intend to visit then I either suggest that you discover the secret to turning yourself invisible and then doing so beforehand, or I strongly suggest that you don't go where you are clearly told not to, unless you are the sort of person who likes getting hurt, of course. The only explanations for the sudden seizing of the land were from spokeswoman Kim Ransford, "We identified the additional land as being needed to ensure the safety and security of operations on the Nellis Range Complex", and another spokeswoman stated, "We don't have UFOs out there. What goes on is classified." This statement could be taken as a contradiction, because if what goes on at Area 51 is so top secret and classified then why are they even telling us anything about it at all? People who have been caught trespassing in Area 51 before have told stories of how they were apprehended by men wearing camouflage uniforms, with no military badges or any other forms of identification. All they have are walkie talkies and guns, big guns. The jeeps that these men drive allegedly have Government plates. The men are apparently extremely unsympathetic to any excuses and will remove you very quickly from the area, as well as allegedly subjecting you to a good kicking and destroying any recording materials that you may have about your person. If you wish to take photos of the area then maybe you could work out some way of integrating your towel and a camera, just to make it a little more inconspicuous. This is just an idea, I haven't a clue if, or how, it would work. Any field researchers care to work this out? The only place left open for observation of Area 51 is Tikaboo Peak. I'm afraid I don't know if anything has ever been spotted from here (or from Freedom Ridge) but I am currently trying to find out about any alleged sightings. Apparently it is quite a hike to get up there and you need a telescope to be able to see anything. I don't know about the legality of using telescopes for observation purposes within the area, but I suspect that it would not be too popular with the security patrols. For hitchhikers who do not fancy trying the difficult climb up to Tikaboo Peak a new vantage point has been discovered. This point is called Smitty's Ridge and although the air base itself cannot be seen from here it's apparently a great place for watching the airspace above the base. Directions to Smitty's Point are : Take Castle Rock Road (the old trail to Freedom Ridge). Go south at the four way crossroads. Go south for 5 miles to the border and you will see the keep out signs and the barbed wire fencing. Look north along the fence and follow it northwards. After a mile and a half you will see a turn around space and a faint pickup trail. Take this trail to get to the highest, legal, vantage point to view the airspace above the base. There should be a camp set up here from Spring 1996 onwards. Hitchhikers who prefer to stay in a warm hotel room rather than a tent can find cheap accommodation at The Little A'Le'Inn (Alien) in the nearby town of Rachel. The food is apparently quite good and is also very reasonably priced. With friendly staff and free movies (and also because it's the only hotel in the area) I can only recommend it as a place to stay. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bibliography Title: The X-Files Book Of The Unexplained Volume 1 By: Jane Goldman Publisher: Simon and Schuster ISBN: 0-684-81633-4 Title: The Groom Lake Desert Rodent Posted By: Tikaboo (tikaboo@aol.com) Posted To: alt.alien.research on 25th January 1996 Person: Ian Henderson, Good Friend, Student, UFO Enthusiast --------------------------------------------------------------------------- %e *EOA* %t Walking Out Of Comic Shops In Kreuzberg, Berlin, Germany, Earth %n 8R16 %s Be Careful, We Warned You %a Karli Dietrich, Michael Bleyer (kadi@public.rz.uni-augsburg.de) %d 19951220 %x Earth %x Berlin, Germany, Earth %x Star Trek %i Comic Shops * %k Comics * %k Beavis and Butt-head %e Comic shops are a world of their own. Comic shops in Kreuzberg doubly so. If you spend a decent amount of time in them, indulging in fantastic stories and exposing yourself to the incredible loud and nasty noise pumping out of their sound system (like "Nine Inch Nails", "Smashing Pumpkins", "Rage Against The Machine" etc.), your mind will warp into this artificial reality the way it happens to "The Maxx" on MTV's Oddities. While this is fine as long as you stay in the warm and protective environment of the comic shop, it can really cause you trouble when stepping back out into the real world, because you may not be ready to face it yet. Potential dangers when leaving the shop: 1. Too much cold fresh air, resulting in oxygen overdose and neural shock. 2. Dog shit on the sidewalk. 3. A kamikaze bike courier decides to take a shortcut - *through you*. 4. Elderly women in fur coats vomiting onto the sidewalk right in front of you. 5. Being cut by a double-decker bus: Berlin bus drivers have this digital driving method: full throttle or screaming breaks. 6. The most wicked danger is the fact that Kreuzberg is an unusual place itself, so you may not notice that you stepped back into the real world until it's too late. How to avoid these dangers: 1. Take along someone who doesn't fancy comics, and thus is unaffected by the shop's magic to lead you out safely. His/her constant complaining ("are we going to leave now?") may spoil all your fun though. Even better: make an appointment with such a person in 3 hours (like: "can you pick me up and get me out of there safely?"). 2. Buy a "Star Trek" shirt and a Phaser imitation. When leaving, wear the shirt and wildly shoot your Phaser around. Shout: "Mr. Worf, engage!". This will keep problems 3-6 away from you or have them keep a respectable distance (may only work with at least an officers rank shirt though). 3. Pull your t-shirt over your head and start acting like Cornholio when walking out ("I am Cornholio! Are you threatening me?"). As above, it works only with problems 3-6. Read "Beavis & Butt-Head" comics, eat some candy bars and drink espresso to give your performance the genuine touch. 4. Don't leave the shop at all. Ask the clerk for a job. %e *EOA* * * End of file: REAL12.NEW * Share and Enjoy! *