* * Archive: REAL14.NEW * * Created on: Tue Aug 3 15:24:41 1999 * * Number of articles: 25 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to find * an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * 8R34-1 Uuencoding, A Rather Boring Article On * 8R35-1 Cash Machines * 8R36-1 Beginner's Luck * 8R37-1 Avoiding Conversations * 8R38-1 Apathy * 6R62-1 Writing Style, Douglas Adams' * 6R63-1 Agent Orange * 6R64-1 Easy Living, How To Survive * 8R39-1 Hatfield, Herts, England, UK, Earth * 8R40-1 X * 8R41-1 Traffic Cones * 8R42-1 Speed Bumps * 8R43-1 Public Address Systems * 8R44-1 Paper Clips * 8R45-1 Elevation * 8R46-1 Avoiding Items By Convention * 8R47-1 Answer Phones * 8R48-1 A * 8R49-1 Hockessin, Delaware, USA, Earth * 8R50-1 Sweeping Statements, Disproving * 8R51-1 Writing Style Of A Tabloid Journalist * 8R52-1 Ineffective Methods Of Promoting Silence * 9R1-1 Headbanging * 9R2-1 Unfortunate Life Of David Kilbourne, The * 9R3-1 Play: Richard III * %t Uuencoding, A Rather Boring Article On %n 8R34 %s Why 8 Into 7 Won't Go %a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (Alex.McLintock@chadwyck.co.uk) %d 19950609 %x Unix, Part 1 %x Unix, Part 2 %x Unix, Part 3 %x McLintock, Alexander Lachlan %e When people first invented e-mail they thought that no one would need more than the 128 characters which make up the ASCII character set. (The 128 comes from 2 to the power of 7 -- hence the phrase 7 bit ASCII). Unfortunately, a binary character (needed for executable programs, word processor documents, pictures and the like) uses the full 8 bits, and unsurprisingly if you try and send 8 bits down a communication medium which only safely supports 7 then sometimes the eighth bit gets lost. The solution is to translate your eight bit data (eg. a Word6 DOC file) into characters which only use 7 bits. You then can send the encoded file across the world wide e-mail network and translate the 7 bit file back into an 8 bit file at the other end. Well, how do we do that? There are two main ways. The first one I will mention is the imaginatively named a-to-b. This was originally an Apple Macintosh program which (together with its sister program b-to-a) [1] few people use outside the Apple community. The more common method is uuencoding. Uuencoding (pronounced you-you-encoding) actually stands for Unix to Unix encoding, but you don't have to have Unix to use this. You usually do something like: uuencode binaryfilename newfilename > saveasfilename Under DOS I might type: uuen alexpic.gif alexpic.gif > alexpic.uue after which I get a new file called alexpic.uue which contains: begin 644 alexpic.gif M"0E!8W1I;VXZ($5D=VEN#0U%52M%1E1!("A2:7-T;RD-"2T@1FEN;&%N9"!H M87,@.... St. Albans is nice this time of year, and it is only 5 miles away. What is in Hatfield? ==================== Shops (strange enough) ---------------------- First, there is the Galleria shopping centre, positioned directly above the A1(M), and hence a source of major traffic snarlups until some enterprising engineer tunneled underneath it. In the Galleria, you will find many shops designed purely for looking around, but apart from these, the adventurous shopper may find: 1) Tk Maxx, a quality discount clothing shop; 2) Our Price, a record shop which sells no records, and is far too mainstream for any serious music lover. 3) Also several bars/cafes (as yet untried by this bold sage), and the 9 screen UCI cinema. If you are however intending to buy anything, don't panic, Hatfield town centre is only a few hundred yards away, just head for the nearest tower block, and is full of shops selling practical goods for the _real_ shopper. Hatfield Aerodrome ------------------ Currently used by British Aerospace and the University Of Hertfordshire. Formerly home to De Havilland Aircraft, and under consideration as an incinerator site (really), just up the road from the Galleria. The University Of Hertfordshire (UH) -- Hatfield campus ------------------------------------------------------- The Hatfield campus of UH is one of the two Hatfield campuses (shouldn't that be campi?), the other one being the School of Art & Design at Hatfield Aerodrome. The Hatfield campus is home (amongst other things) to the School of Mechanical/Aeronautical Engineering, the School of Physioterrorism, and the School of Advanced Beer Studies (known to non initiates as the Font and Elephant House SU bars.) Tourism ======= Hatfield House, Old Hatfield (the bit near the station). No data available to the author at present, however, it is well worth a visit as it is positioned on one of the very few hills in Hatfield (a rarity indeed, as even East Anglia has more hills.) Pubs, clubs, etc. ================= THE HARRIER, South Hatfield (next to the odd church). I mention this only to advise all who follow to avoid it -- I've had better nights out watching paint dry. THE CAVENDISH ARMS, Bishops rise (do they indeed, nudge, wink, say n'more.) Can get cramped at times, but well worth a visit. Short beers list: Strongbow Guinness Moscow Mule K's cider and others. THE FORUM club, Lemsford Rd, near the town centre (opposite ASDA car park). The Forum does theme nights with a different theme each night of the week, so make sure you visit it on the right night. THE FONT. You need a valid SU card, or a friend with one, as this bar is part of UH, and home of cheap beers. Here is a (very) short list: Murphy's, 1.55 pounds/pint Guinness, 1.70 pounds/pint Gladstone, 1.30 pounds/pint a local bitter, brewed in nearby Newcastle Brown, 1.60 pounds/bottle \Hertford Vodka & Coke, 1 pound each THE ELEPHANT HOUSE (Ele House), also part of UH. Beers similarly priced, but a low selection. The Ele is a good place to have a quiet drink in the company of close friends, or to have a game of pool, but otherwise cannot compete with the Font (unless your idea of a good night out is to forget it through sheer boredom, rather than through the use of alcohol and other guilt enhancing/reducing drugs.) Food ==== Avoid the local Fish & Chip shops, unless your digestion is unaffected by the quality of your food (lucky you). Having said this, Appleby's in the town centre is the best of a bad bunch. If a sandwich is your idea of a good lunch, I can recommend from experience that you visit the bakers opposite Motor World in the town centre, where you can purchase a mean sandwich (they even build them with your preferred filling). When (not) to visit Hatfield =============================== Avoid: 1) Last 2 weeks in September 2) Last 2 weeks in December 3) First week or 2 in January 4) Last week in March 5) Last week in April These are the approximate dates of major student migrations between UH and home, and are probably similar for all university towns. Apart from these dates, the rest of the year is fairly safe. Conclusion ========== Mostly full of southerners, nutters, or any combination of both. [1] Due to a slight quirk in the road numbering system, the A1(M) is the same as the A1 %e *EOA* %t X %n 8R40 %s To Be Unique? %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960620 %x Ignorance %x Typographical Errors %x A %i Most Unpopular Letter, The %e "X", on the whole, is a fairly unpopular letter of the alphabet in the English language, as many words and names suspiciously avoid it, preferring a nicely rounded "O" or the versatility of an "S". It is because of this that the designated section of an English dictionary, containing words beginning with "X" usually amasses no more than one page [1]. Lately it has become more fashionable to use the letter "X" in many names and words because its "uniqueness" is thought to expand from the confines of one letter to encompass the entire sentence. Also, it has been used to replace a "cs", which some have described as "dated", but many others have pointed out that these people are just lazy, or ignorant, or both. If somebody names a company, or themselves, a name beginning with "X", it is more than likely that they are attempting to become the first people on that particular page in the telephone directory. It is therefore necessary, when meeting these people, to concede all arguments to them because they are obviously on some sort of ego-trip [2]. Unfortunately, due to the nature of language, this article would be almost totally invalid if translated into any language in which X is a popular, if there is such a language. In those instances, substitute "X" for the relevant rarely-used letter, if one exists [3]. [1] Of course, in a dictionary of typographical errors, you'd be looking at half the book. [2] Okay, maybe not. [3] If not, just invent one. %e *EOA* %t Traffic Cones %n 8R41 %s The Cones Are Out But Nobody's There %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960708 %x Speed Bumps %i Cones, Traffic %i Segregating Traffic %e Traffic jams are the dilemma of the modern roads. While people pay out for a bigger and better car, engines that can push their vehicle to twice the legal speed limit, they know in their heart that the fastest they'll ever go will be dictated by the actions of the local cone-laying department. Traffic cones are a very useful way of diverting traffic, as it is very rare to see any car driving through them. The reason for this is that experience has told the car-driving population as-a-whole that it is a particularly silly thing to do, in that (a) they would be driving into an area that has been coned off, and there was presumably a reason for doing so, and (b) a lot of the modern cones are reinforced by concrete [1]. The first assumption is not always the case. It is suspected that cones have now formed part of an advanced plan to control the level and speed of traffic, while ignoring the total annoyance they induce. Many motorists can observe that a coned-off area is sometimes totally empty, with the surface appearing perfectly adequate and usable [2]. It is occasionally the case that the segregated area is occupied by a large van and several workmen, who are seated on deck chairs, drinking tea, coffee, alcohol, or whatever they feel most appropriate for the moment. Theoretically it is possible that you will see them working, but this is unlikely. Certain observers have noted that after days and days, or perhaps weeks, the cones will suddenly disappear, only to reappear at the other side of the road, while the area they once protected appears exactly the same. If you are able or inclined, you may want to observe the area over night, because this is when these change-overs appear to happen, and you might get a glimpse of somebody doing some work. Plans such as these are subject to alteration, however, because the minute you spot one at work, the workmen will disappear [3]. [1] Appearances can of course be deceptive, and one might assume that every cone is as concrete (or otherwise) as the first one. This is not always the case. [2] Though appearances can be deceptive, the road in question _is_ usually just as good as it appears. It is, however, a bad idea to test this theory in case it isn't. [3] Presumably [4]. [4] Okay, maybe not, but wouldn't it be amazing if they did? %e *EOA* %t Speed Bumps %n 8R42 %s Slow Slow Quick Quick Slow %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960620 %i Sleeping Policemen %i Traffic Control %i Kamikaze Drivers %e The problem of speeding traffic has been very difficult to cope with, and before recent times, would have been impossible without placing sections of the local police [1] or a camera on every street corner. The results of doing this would mean that resources would be severely depleted, and that many members of the general public will realise that they cannot so much as sneeze without being recorded, causing possible outrage at the blatant invasion of privacy. On the whole, the biggest problem with speeding is in built-up areas. It can be very serious on suburban roads, where things seem quiet and the opportunists' right foot is pushing the limit. Many people, including a lot of children, have died or become seriously injured because of this, and something had to be done. The solution that was decided upon, was to place "speed bumps" (also known in some parts as "sleeping policemen") onto the most susceptible roads. Speed bumps can appear in several different forms, a particular favourite being a reasonably steep bump that spans the entire width of the road. It forces people to slow down, because it is very uncomfortable to drive over a speed bump if you are traveling any more than a few miles-per-hour. Another popular idea, however, is to save on costs by placing a singular speed bump in the middle of each lane, which can prove particularly ineffectual when a wide [2] car drives up and straddles it. Unfortunately, as this form of speed bump becomes more and more popular, the general effectiveness of speed-bumps on the whole is slowly diminished, to the point where drivers begin to accelerate over them to demonstrate how smooth their suspension system is. In fact, any speed bump is rendered ineffective when approached by a driver who has either no idea what effect it will have and doesn't care, or has a firm idea of what it does and still doesn't care. Under these circumstances, the driver will perhaps use the speed bump as a launching point, to test theories speculated upon in many action movies where vehicles are seen to fly after accelerating up a ramp. If you are on a bus whose driver displays signs of being this sort of driver, it is recommended that you check the validity of your life insurance. If you have a return ticket, you are entitled to eat it [3]. Also, because of the appearance of speed bumps it has been a matter for speculation whether someone of something has in fact been buried underneath. This was dismissed by the leader of the last investigation, who disappeared under mysterious circumstances [4]. [1] In fact, any group of law-abiding, criminal-spotting citizens will do, but it's still impractical. [2] Even small-ish cars enter this category in this instance. [3] This is not compulsory. [4] Actually, that is probably not true, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. %e *EOA* %t Public Address Systems %n 8R43 %s Can I Please Have Your Attention %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960620 %x Ignorance %i PA Systems %i Making Announcements %i Announcements, Making %i How To Confuse People %e In a society where information is everything, and most of the population have yet to acquire the appropriate systems for obtaining instant specific information at the relevant times, a necessary creation has, for a long time, provided a theoretical solution. Unfortunately, its practicalities end when the theory is substituted with the reality, and you are stuck at a railway station with a PA system spewing incomprehensible gibberish into the locality. In fact, the actual announcements, in most cases [1], begin their lives as reasonably, or not-so-reasonably, constructed sentences, which then begin the journey through a microphone, and out into the world, via one small aged disfunctional speaker [2]. The results are, more often than not, a drunken echoed blur of noise that could equally mean the exact opposite of what was originally intended. As a result of this, many people who were set to benefit from a public address system, will simply be as confused as ever, or perhaps more so, and could also become increasingly angry that they may be missing a vitally important announcement. Of course, if they managed to quieten all the other noises in the vicinity, they would still be unable to comprehend the announcement in question, so their position is just as helpless if the cries of "Keep the bloody noise down!" are sufficiently effective, or if, as is more frequently the case, they are just whispers in the wind. Sometimes it is possible to extract the vaguest hint of a few words, which when threaded together and combined with a few other words of the interpreter's creation [3], construct an announcement that is almost certainly and almost totally unlike the one that it was intended to be. While we are told that science is continually attempting to develop more and more sofisticated upgrades to these systems, it is too often the case that each solution is just as bad as the last one, and eventually, it is simpler to remain confused, and learn to live with it. [1] The possibility exists that one announcer somewhere has realised the problem, and simply recites yesterday's weather forecast, intermixed with the football results. [2] The number of speakers is irrelevant, but the disfunction is generally compulsory, and each speaker should be adjusted to allow the sound-waves to rebound off each wall unpredictably. [3] There is an art to this, but sometimes it's necessary to pick them from a dictionary at random. %e *EOA* %t Paper Clips %n 8R44 %s Those Useful Little Fiddly Little Things %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960708 %x Paperless Office, The %i Clips, Paper %i Temporary Method Of Holding Paper Together %i Holding Paper Together, A Temporary Method %i Bendy Metal %e One of the most useful problematic things to deal with when you're trying to keep together many pieces of paper, is how this is to be done. Paper, by its very nature, is not adhesive and requires something more to allow it to remain in a group. Many solutions have actually been dreamt up for this, some of which involve different types of chemical or water-based adhesive called "glue", and others which attempt to place the corners of the paper into a position where they cannot possibly move on their own. The next set of methods involve binding the paper together by making holes in it, which can make it look scruffy, though it can also be used to good effect, and this is very often the method employed when people are attempting to publish something professionally [1]. In between there are various methods that touch on both sides and vary from being more to less effective. The last method is that of using a "paper clip", which is basically a small curved length of metal shaped into a clip to hold the paper together. This is always a temporary arrangement, however, as the paper clip is not quite strong enough to hold paper together against all the elements. Also, it is certainly not strong enough to hold something together without getting caught on something else entirely, and going off on its own merry way at a very early point in time. Another major disadvantage of paper clips is the thickness. The amount of paper that you can actually place inside a paper-clip and expect to leave in there is not very large at all. In fact, a few sheets are usually enough before the clip starts to bend, or in extreme cases, snap. In fact, paper clips serve quite a number of purposes in the modern world. The initial is obviously the use for which it was created, which is that of a "binder". After this, however, the uses become more and more creative, as a paper clip can be used as an engraving tool, a small hanger, part of a string of paper clips in a cheap necklace, and even a tool for cleaning the indescribable gunk that gets under your finger and toe nails. The list is endless, but this article is not. Actually, though, the paper clip has only found real fame in two uses. The first of these is as an improvised lock pick in spy [2] films, and the second, which may have its roots in the first, is that of an item that somebody can pick apart and unravel when they have nothing else to do, or have something else to do that they are attempting to put off. It should be noted that the floors of school classrooms or college (or university) lecture-rooms are always [3] covered in bent paper-clips after a particularly long and boring lecture. [1] Or at least in a professional way. [2] Okay, it doesn't necessarily have to be a "spy" film as-such. [3] If not always, then very often. %e *EOA* %t Elevation %n 8R45 %s The Sky's The Limit? %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960715 %x Jumping Off Cliffs And Other High Places %x Gravity %x Elevators, Fifty Fun Things To Do In %x Fashion %i Gaining Altitude %i Altitude, Gaining %i Height, Gaining %i Reaching For The Sky %e Greater height is almost always seen to be "superior", even though this is a very primitive and narrow way of looking at things. This theory, however, is based on a lot of fact, and is difficult to disprove when you look at many aspects of the world where it is indeed an advantage. Examples of this are wide and varied, and include such things as crowds (chiefly when you are at the back), and reaching for items from a shelf (which is definitely problematic if you aren't tall enough). As with a lot of things, there are ways to deal with this, whether they be temporary or permanent. A fashion among some people is to wear shoes that are elevated in one way or another [1]. Added to this, a person may wish to supplement their stature by standing on a box or something similar, though this idea is a little flawed if you are going to have to move about a lot. Permanent methods are a little more difficult to implement, and can be very messy. Further ways of elevation can involve standing on a moving elevated object. Examples of these are things like roller skates (though these may be classified as shoes, which have already been mentioned), skate boards, bikes, or basically any other vehicle where you are able to stand at a greater height than you previously did. Of course, these methods only apply to small elevations, and are relatively useless when applied to a greater vertical distance, such as a tall building, or any object that is significantly above [2] the ground. Ways of achieving these climbs include methods of propulsion (with, for example, a rocket), a mechanical or manual lift or elevator, and a ladder [3]. The final thing to bear in mind, however, when you achieve your desired point of elevation, is best summed up in the phrase, "what goes up must come down." It is always vitally important, then, to make sure that you have a usable method to do so, unless you want to allow gravity to do it for you [4]. [1] Fashion varies, but there's usually something along those lines. [2] As the existence of gravity may play havoc with this idea in some circumstances, it is conceded that you may need to elevate yourself to reach items that are technically "below" you. [3] Not really a practical idea if you have a large distance to cover, unless you combine it with one of the others. [4] If you are not within a gravitational field, this will not directly apply. However, you will have a cartload of additional problems, including the fact that "elevation" is not strictly relevant to you. %e *EOA* %t Avoiding Items By Convention %n 8R46 %s Why Isn't Anybody Sitting In That Chair? %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960717 %x X %x Busker's Arc %i Why People Avoid The Same Items %i Items That Everybody Avoids %i Conventional Item Avoidance %e One of the mysteries of modern, and perhaps pre-modern, living is the mystery of the one item that nobody seems to want to touch, for apparently no more reason than the fact that they don't want to be the only one to do so. Whether it is from politeness [1] or some deeper knowledge, there will always be items like this scattered throughout civilisation, whether they be something as simple as the last orange on a market stall, or a chair in that sits quietly next to a post-office queue. The problem could be that human psychology dictates that any item that is avoided by other people, for whatever reason, must have something wrong with it, and therefore should be avoided like the plague. To test this theory, it merely takes one person to knock back the trend by, say, sitting on a solitary "avoided" chair, and look around at the swarm of amazed glances given by everybody else who assumed the thing was damaged. As soon as you stand up and walk away, someone else is guaranteed to take your place, safe in the knowledge that the chair is harmless. Another way to solve this is to label the item in advance, to the effect that its lack-of-use, if this is the case, is due to the fact that its use is not currently required, rather than the fact that its usefulness is impeded. However, this method can be flawed if the item is still initially avoided, as people will regard the sign as untruthful, and treat it as if it doesn't exist. The level of avoidance given to any item in this position is increased as time passes, and eventually, even the bravest of the brave will not go near it. After a while, the actual owner will be forced to replace it with something that is perhaps almost exactly the same, but visibly different in at least one easily identifiable way. This is the only way to cure a long-term evasion. In the end, however, it's probably just simpler to obtain two identical objects wherever possible, because it is unlikely that they will both get this treatment, and they are also unlikely to be treated differently. You will see the difference if you replace the lone chair with two. [1] Some people can be very polite when it comes to it, but in situations like queues, there's very often a "survival of the fittest" attitude that would put armies to shame. %e *EOA* %t Answer Phones %n 8R47 %s I'm Sorry, I'm Not In At The Moment %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960715 %x Telecommunications, Article II %x Telephones %x Avoiding Conversations %x Computers, Earth %i Phones, Automatic Answering Of %i Telephones, Automatic Answering Of %i Machines, Telephone Answering %i Automatic Answering Of Telephones %e For the traveler who has at last rooted his or herself to one place, but still needs to leave once in a while, the problem of leaving their telephone alone when somebody might call can make things difficult when the modern telephone on its own, is quite incapable of answering any calls itself [1]. This problem caused a group [2] to invent the "answer machine" or "answer phone". This device, quite simply, will answer the phone after a decided number of "rings", play a pre-recorded message to the caller, and then allow them to leave a message. The two are normally separated by a sort of "beep" noise. Unfortunately, very few people have learned to deal with an answer phone, and therefore sound quite muddled when at last they leave a message, if indeed they do so at all. Examples of these muddles range from, "Oh, I don't know how to use an answer phone," to the stuttered attempts at conversation that some people feel compelled to voice, in the unlikely event that the machine has somehow developed some real intelligence itself and is spending its time pervading warm and comforting feeling while nodding gently. A machine that can actually do this has yet to be invented. Some people will discover that an answer phone is the best way to "filter" their phone calls. The idea with this is that somebody will switch on their answer phone while they are still indoors. When a call comes in, they will listen and see if it's someone they want to talk to before they go through any of the messy answering business. They will of course come unstuck when an important caller decides that they haven't got time, or don't want to leave a message, and simply hang up. This is a risk you take. Of course, if you do have a large volume of similar calls, and are unable, or simply unwilling, to sit down and listen to them as they come, an answer phone can prove invaluable. In fact, many places now have answer phones to play short informational messages to people if they call, perhaps listing a time when someone will be there in person to talk to them. More recently, some companies have realised that there is a market for novelty answer phone message tapes, containing voices of major celebrities, or of vocal artists imitating the same. It is difficult to know if someone is taking the whole business particularly seriously if they use one of these. The temptation is usually to take it as a joke, but it is nevertheless interesting and fun to hear something different for a change [3]. The possibility also exists that when you, say, are greeted by pop-star Michael Jackson, that it may actually be the personality in question [4]. [1] As things stand at this point. [2] Or perhaps even a single person. [3] Until everybody in the world buys the same tape. [4] This will depend on the number you call, the location of the personality, and their enthusiasm or ability to answer the phone. It's always possible that you will be greeted by someone else with the same name, in which case, you have an instant predictable topic of conversation to start with. %e *EOA* %t A %n 8R48 %s It's A Start %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960610 %x Acronyms %x Abbreviations %x X %x Jumping Off Cliffs And Other High Places %i An %e "A" is an appropriate acronym for any organisation that has a one-word name beginning with "A". Also, it can form a useful abbreviation for words, titles or names that begin with the same. Apart from this, its uses are fairly wide, though it is generally used to describing the singular quantity of any item, such as, "a cup of tea," or "a plate of moon dust." It also can, and sometimes should, be expanded to "An" when referring to singular items beginning with a vowel, such as, "an assortment of squashed citrus fruits," or "an unusually green expression." This rule is presumably to allow spoken language to flow more easily. Most modern languages also list "A" as the initial character of their alphabets, which can make it an extremely popular letter to use when creating anything that is listed alphabetically, in that such items are more likely to be listed in a higher position. Likewise, anything that begins with a less significant letter can, as can be assumed to, suffer under these circumstances, unless they begin with the last letter of the alphabet, which can also be notable, especially when the list is unexpectedly reversed. Some systems that use the alphabet to grade things, may well use "A" as the "top" grade, while subsequent letters are used to represent progressively worse marks. A habit of recent times has also been to add a "+" or "-" to the grade to indicate where a grade was only-just above of below the expected standard to achieve the specified rating. Methods such as this are mostly invalid, as the letter is all that is usually held to be relevant. On the whole, however, this method of grading is quite effective, and provides a reasonably instant way of informing somebody, and having them understand, what you are trying to say. Also, for some indeterminable reason, "A" also forms the basis for the sound made when you happen to fall from a great height. The usual usage of this is, "aaaaaaa," while the volume of this gradually decreases. Some innovative people have attempted in the past, to replace this with another sound, which they hope will catch on and make them rich. So far, this hasn't happened [1]. It is thus hardly a surprise that "A" is one of the most popular letters in most alphabets, as our lives would be very different without it [2]. [1] Jumping off a small pile of bricks yelling "woo!" doesn't count, and might get you arrested if you do it in the wrong place. [2] You cn sy tht gin. %e *EOA* %t Hockessin, Delaware, USA, Earth %n 8R49 %s Boredom Capital Of The Mid-Atlantic %a Paul Barbera (paulb@magpage.com) %d 19960903 %x Earth %x Boredom %i Farming, Mushroom %e Hitchhiking is an exciting lifestyle. Hitchhikers travel around the globe, meeting interesting, new people; they find thrilling, new places to go, and take part in all kinds of fun activities (of which about three-quarters involve alcohol and/or partial nudity). These reasons are exactly why Hockessin, Delaware would be the last place a hitchhiker would ever voluntarily choose to visit. Nonetheless, many a hiker has found him/herself stuck in a boring place for an obscene amount of time, so I thought it wize to write this article. Hockessin (pronounced HOE-KESS-INN, I think it's Scandinavian or something) is a small town in the northern part of Delaware. For those hitchhikers who are not American, and have most likely never heard of the place, and for those who _are_ American, and have most likely never heard of it either, it is a small state in the mid-Atlantic wedged between Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and Maryland. (Well, it isn't actually _in_ the mid-Atlantic, it simply borders it.) It is famous only for its brief appearance in the movie "Wayne's World". Hockessin consists mainly of a single main street, Route 41 (the area around it is known laughingly as "downtown Hockessin"), and the surrounding suburban housing developments. Features -------- One of the first things a hiker will notice upon awakening to a Hockessin morning is a putrid stench quite similar to manure filling the air. This odor is the product of Hockessin's chief industry (well, _only_ industry really), mushroom farming. The town is home to many of these farms, which are warehouse-like buildings filled with dung, and the result is an extremely pungent aroma that permeates Hockessin first thing in the morning, especially during the winter months. Unless you actually like to smell that sort of thing, try to stay inside until ten or eleven o'clock. Another feature of Hockessin that will become quickly apparent is the winding, intricate system of back roads used to get from one place to another. Although the town sports two or three well-lit, well-maintained streets, the majority of Hockessinites prefer to use the narrow, unlit, tree-lined roadways that snake their way through town. In addition, many of the drivers on these avenues tend to go at speeds that would make Mario Andretti blanch. Given the narrowness of the streets, lack of lighting, and aggressiveness of Hockessin drivers, trying to hitch a ride on a Hockessin back road at night is not recommended, since it will likely result in your being pulverized into road nachos. Tourist Attractions ------------------- None, see "Surrounding Area". Sites About Town ---------------- There aren't many things worth mentioning in Hockessin. First, there is "downtown" Hockessin, which centers entirely on a small stretch of Route 41 (one of the few well-lit streets mentioned above). This is where a hitchhiker will most likely find (or not) what he/she is looking for when passing through town. There are a couple of restaurants (see "Eating" below), a church, a convenience store, and other small shops that provide the sorts of things you would expect them to. There is also a police station, which used to be a library, which in turn used to be someone's house, and therefore looks nothing like any other police station anywhere on the east coast of the United States. Why Hockessin even needs a police station is a mystery that has yet to be explained. Nearby is a wide, empty grass field known as Swift Park. About a mile from Route 41 is a mini-mall called Lantana Square. Lantana is the newest development in Hockessin. Unlike other buildings in town which have been around for way too long (such as the above mentioned police station), Lantana is fairly new. Hockessinites may go there to make use of ultramodern conveniences such as dry cleaning and video rental. Finally, Hockessin is home to a llama farm. Although llamas are native to South America, not Hockessin, someone was willing to spend the effort and money to put together a llama farm here. This has yet to be explained. Places To Stay -------------- Unless you want to sleep on the grass in Swift Park, there aren't any. See "Surrounding Area". Eating In Hockessin ------------------- Worth mentioning right now is that there are _no_ major fast food chain restaurants in Hockessin. Hitchhikers hoping to pick up a bucket of chicken from the Colonel's or grab a quick Whopper value meal will be sorely disappointed. There isn't even a McDonald's. There are, however, several decent restaurants in the Hockessin area, and for those hikers on a budget (in other words, all of them), there is still the Acme supermarket at Lantana Square. A good place to stop for a quick bite is Casapullas, on Route 41. They serve excellent subs and Philadelphia-style cheese steak sandwiches there, making it worth a visit. There are also a couple of pizza joints, namely Pat's and Valle's, both also on Route 41. Finally, for those hikers looking for a restaurant with a little more class, there is the Back Burner (on Route 41, although that's becoming redundant so I'll stop mentioning it). It is a bit pricey for a hitchhiker's budget, but has an excellent selection of entrees. The restaurant's specialty is pumpkin-mushroom soup, and I guess that might be good, if you're into that sort of thing. Entertainment ------------- None, really. See "Surrounding Area". There is only one bar to speak of in Hockessin, and that is M.R. Doc's, located on (yup, you guessed it) Route 41. It is adequate, and worth visiting maybe once. It even has live music some nights. For real entertainment, however, Hockessin just isn't the place to be. The fact that M.R. Doc's is located between a bank and a pet shop should say something. Surrounding Area ---------------- This is the interesting part of Hockessin. That is, outside of town. The small city of Newark is about 15 minutes away by car, and is slightly more interesting, although this is only because of its proximity to the University of Delaware. Being close to the university results in a higher concentration of bars in the area. Wilmington is the largest city in Delaware (with a whopping 71,000 people), and is around 20 minutes away by car. It too has a few more bars, and some places to stay, as well. In reality, however, the only real reason to travel to Newark or Wilmington from Hockessin is to get transportation out of state. Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington are all within a few hours' drive, and, most importantly, are much more froody than Delaware. Remember: when the chance to leave comes, grab it without hesitation, or you'll regret it later. %e *EOA* %t Sweeping Statements, Disproving %n 8R50 %s Everybody Can Do This %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960620 %x Winning Arguments %e A sweeping statement is a statement that makes a wide-ranging and complete comment about something, or more often, everything. Unfortunately, it is very common for people to make these sorts of statements when they, in fact, are talking about minor groups rather than "everybody" (this being a word they could use). To define the properties of a sweeping statement more precisely: a "sweeping statement" will contain words such as "everybody", "everything", "nobody" or "nothing" (essentially words of totality, which leave nothing, or very little, out), and will therefore be very easy to disprove, if you can find just one example where it is incorrect. An example of this is when somebody might claim, "Everybody's drinking new Sugar-Sip!" You might examine this sentence and observe that, while you are packed in a room with the entire population of the universe [1], you happen to notice that Mr. Bloggs in the corner is picking at the wallpaper and drinking plain water. In that instance you can easily disprove the statement by the simple fact that not _everybody_ is drinking "Sugar-Sip", whatever the hell it's supposed to be. Disproving statements such as these is the occupation of the pedant, and should be used sparingly if you do not wish to aggravate the person to which you are talking [2]. If, however, you are in the company of somebody who makes many statements like this, a pedantic attitude may in fact begin to coax them away from their habit. It is always a fantastic way to win an argument. [1] Well, okay, you might be on your own, or you just invited a delegation of aliens, some imaginary friends, a few actual friends, or a combination of these, for a taste-testing session. The point is not to take examples too literally. [2] If indeed, you are talking to anyone in particular. %e *EOA* %t Writing Style Of A Tabloid Journalist %n 8R51 %s Scoop! Exclusive! %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960702 %i Newspapers, Writers Of %i Tabloid Journalist, The Writing Style of A %i Simplistic Writing *%x Writing Style Of DNA %e Some headlines catch your eye, don't they? Even if you are pursuing the normal course of your life, and are perhaps determined to stop your mind from wandering at any cost, a well written headline can attract the attention of the most determined soul. Large fonts are a favourite. A short word will be large enough to span the front page and proclaim loudly, "I am here!" Perhaps for added effect these are sometimes turned a different and more striking colour, such as red. The problem comes when you give in to the urge, and go to find out exactly what the reporter [1] was actually intending to inform you. This is because many tabloid reporters have the uncanny ability to make so much of so little, and blow one tiny little mislead fact into a giant news-monster that could gobble the Earth [2]. Exaggeration is the main characteristic, where a small fire can be portrayed as a gaping inferno, and a slight disagreement as a "massive split." The size of the event is always thought to make it more interesting to potential readers, which is true to an extent, as fiction is sometimes more interesting than the truth. Also, it is sometimes necessary to keep in mind the motives of the writer or the "newspaper" in general. Many will attempt to promote and pervade their views through the exclusion of many facts which would provide more balanced reading. Examples of this are where, in politics, the views of one party alone will be allowed to run riot through the text. Generally, a tabloid journalist will also express their story in a very simple way, to allow the more intellectually challenged or skimming reader to pick up on the basic information quickly and easily, without losing their attention. It is therefore unlikely that you will find long words or paragraphs. [1] Or possibly the editor. [2] Or the centre pages. %e *EOA* %t Ineffective Methods Of Promoting Silence %n 8R52 %s Shhh! %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960725 %x Public Address Systems %x Busker's Arc %x Sleep %x Reality Alteration %i Shhh! %i Peace And Quiet, How To Fail To Obtain %i Silence, Ineffective Methods Of Obtaining %i Quiet, Pointless Attempts To Make It %i Noise, A Few Useless Attempts At Diminishing %e There are times when you might want everyone and everything just to lapse into silence for a moment or a while, to allow yourself to rest, to think, to speak, to listen to something else, or in extreme cases, to die [1]. As with all these things, even good methods of achieving peacefulness are completely useless if used at the wrong time, and the most disregarded and "stupid" ideas can somehow have a positive effect. It is worth noting, however, that in this area, 95% of the available methods have one thing in common: they are totally and utterly useless. Probably the worst thing you can do to gain peace-and-quiet, is to make a louder noise than any of the others. It is true to say that this is occasionally effective, but only for extremely short periods, and it can be the precursor to an inflamed cacophony of noise. The least effective noise you can make for some reason is the most popular. The "shhh!" as it is known, is made by pumping [2] lots of air through a narrow gap between your teeth. It is usually the case that a noise of this nature is followed by a number of imitations from nearly everyone, if not absolutely everyone you are trying to hush. If you ever find yourself in this position, on no account begin to compete, as those sorts of competitions are unlikely to end [4]. Obviously, that is not the only bad way to gain silence. Another stupid thing to do in an "I need quiet" situation, is to shout, "shut up" at everybody. In a way it is similar to the former, in that it may provoke mass imitation, but it will more usually incite a large degree of bad temper, and a number of funny looks [5]. This can obviously be replaced by other similar phrases, such as, "be quiet," or even one of the increasing number of expletive-based outbursts. All of these are about as effective. You might want to use a phrase that is totally disassociated with the quiet you wish to obtain, such as, "pass the lemon drops, Monty." These sort of comments are usually ignored, but can occasionally give you a second or two of attention with which to make a point. It is, however, just as likely that somebody called Monty will pass you some lemon drops. On no account should you eat them [6]. Also, you should be prepared for somebody else to mis-hear you entirely, and pass you something else. A third useless method is to stand up and clap your hands. This has been used to its worst effect by a number of school teachers in the past, and only provokes a passing glance from any surrounding entities, or at least those that are capable of doing so. The usual appearance of this method is the "double-clap" which is basically a couple of short sharp taps, hand-onto-hand, which theoretically imposes a degree of enthusiasm, but which usually doesn't. Added to those, there are a number of other methods that do not involve any other noise at all which are usually more effective, with the exception of ones such as the "wave your arms about in the air" method, and the performance artists' "(pretend to) bang your head against the wall" method. These are pointless, but if they make you feel better, you are quite entitled to do them anyway. Violence is of course an option, but this too can have drawbacks, and should only be used if you are 100% sure it will work [7]. A good tap on the head is occasionally enough to, at least, gain the attention of somebody, though you could just as soon lose it again if the noise is too loud, or the crowd is too large. It is at this point when you could take the opportunity to ask everyone individually if they will silence themselves, and if they are willing you may succeed in your task. With a larger crowd, however, it is often very difficult to coordinate the silence so that certain groups do not begin to make noise once more. Of course, an icy stare and mystical silence can be effective on small groups at least, and this method has been used to good effect in the past. It can, however, fall down when the audience are energetic, bored, or otherwise in no mood to be treated in this manner. If you find you are able to captivate people in this manner, you may find a career in hypnotism well within your abilities. Finally, if it is possible, you could encourage the noise-making entities to leave the immediate vicinity, which may diminish or destroy the problem. This is often a difficult task to carry out, and can involve a level of research into the habits of the entities in question. It is tempting at this point to believe that they will be compelled to go somewhere else if they can make more noise there, which is in fact usually the case. If you use this method, be prepared for failure and the phrase, "but we like it here." On no account match this with, "not with a tennis ball in your mouth, you wouldn't." Of course, one simple solution is for you to move somewhere else. This could be impractical, but if all the other methods do fail, it could be your only option. Some would argue, however, that it doesn't actually solve the problem, it just "avoids" it. However, these people are more likely to have a lot more silence than yourself anyway, so they can think what they damned well like [9]. Silence can, on the other hand, be gained by accident quite easily, and has been used by crowds of people in the past, to greet, scare, unhinge, or otherwise effect a stranger. The situation runs thus: hall full of people; stranger enters; room falls silent; stranger panics then leaves. Of the many people who have found themselves in the receiving end of this sort of treatment, most have failed on the whole to totally get over it. [1] Okay, it might not be that extreme. [2] The means to this end are variable, but the author suggests you use the one you are (usually) born with, and don't attempt anything foolish [3]. [3] Which probably means: just don't do it at all. [4] Well, maybe you could use that artificial method after all. [5] Most people can handle the temper, but get very cold at the thought of the bad looks. [6] Unless you happen to know and trust this person. [7] Though always bare in mind that certainty is no substitute for actuality. Phrases such as, "I'm certain we won't die," are often [8] followed by the death of the speaking party. [8] Where the "cruel twist of fate" can be influenced, such as in films and other stories, this is always the case. Comedy duo Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis once observed that it is very easy to predict who will die in a film, just by their behaviour in their first appearance. The standard formula for this was "After this war, I'm going to..." Dead. [9] Which is probably their job anyway. %e *EOA* %t Headbanging %n 9R1 %s Dancing To Heavy Metal Music %a Kaare Rud Flarup (flarup@cybernet.dk) %d 19960808 %x Merits Of Beating Your Head Against The Wall, The %x Party Hints %x Sad Bastard Test %x Progressive Rock %i Dancing Alternative %i Alternative Dancing %i Banging Your Head, The Heavy Metal Way %e Headbanging is a special form of dancing, performed mostly by people listening to the music form called "Heavy Metal". They are themselves called "Headbangers". It is particularly popular with people who are not very good at more advanced dancing, as the dance, which many would not call a dance but merely stomping very hard at something, while nodding fiercely for no good reason at all, is not all that hard to learn. To find a Heavy Metal concert, all you have to do is look for many people with long hair, wearing mostly black cloth. Why these long-haired individuals all simultaneously choose to wear black is, by some, seen as a sign of sorrow, as they might know they are going to be partly or completely deaf after the concert. If you wish to join in, then walk [1] into the middle of the crowd. Be careful out not to get hair in your eyes, mouth, nose or any other places. It could also be good idea to wear a wig with long hair, but you could be bald instead, as this seems acceptable. Try to get as close as possible to the stage, and maybe even right in front of one of the big loudspeakers. If you are, at this point, not wearing ear plugs, hope you have not come to one of the louder bands' shows! When the music starts, be prepared for total chaos, and large quantities of hair everywhere. When the people around you start to jump up and down, and throw their heads in all directions simultaneously, begin to do the same yourself. Be aware, particularly if you are close to the stage, that there may be people falling down from above. This is also a part of Headbanging, especially at smaller concerts, and you can try it yourself: squeeze up to the stage; crawl up on it [2]; jump a little around up there; and then leap as far out into the crowd as you can. Do not worry, because someone will _probably_ catch you. After your first time Headbanging, you might want to leave early, because of bruises; broken parts of the body; the initial stages of hearing damage; or distaste of the music. This may or may not be possible, but one way is to jump up upon some nearby people [3], and they will send you on to some others, who will do the same until you fall down somewhere at the back, or the side, of the crowd. Normally, if you are close to the stage, there are also some of those big guys ready to help you out. A notice to you if you are male, and looking for members of the opposite sex: maybe because of the brutality of Heavy Metal, or some other unexplained reason, the participants of a headbanging session are almost exclusively male. So get out there and shake your brain! [1] Actually you must squeeze hard. [2] Do not do this if you have not seen anyone else doing it, as some very big guys might appear and give you a solid kick in the head, or at least throw you out. [3] There will probably always be some other people _very_ near you. %e *EOA* %t Unfortunate Life Of David Kilbourne, The %n 9R2 %s A Good Book Coming To The Net %a Mike Rohde (MRohde6592@gnn.com) %d 19960730 %x Happy Hour, How To Fit In %x Malaroonian Star System %i Kilbourne, David, The Unfortunate Life Of %i David Kilbourne, The Unfortunate Life Of %i Internet Book: The Unfortunate Life Of David Kilbourne %i Book: The Unfortunate Life Of David Kilbourne %e The Unfortunate Life of David Kilbourne is a very funny book written by a surprisingly clever Earthman named Mike Rohde [1]. It is a book about the journey of a man, his ex-wife, and a talking Chihuahua, as they attempt to return to Earth after they are abducted by a super-intelligent race of plaid cloth known as the Patchers. Total nonsense, you say? You're right, but what do you want to read? Another of Earth's wordy courtroom books? Or one-thousand pages dedicated to some Navy guys stuck in a submarine? Anyway, check it out at: http://members.gnn.com/MRohde6592/davidk.htm Currently, only excerpts from his book can be viewed at the above site, but he will soon be posting up a few chapters of his book at a time. Unless, of course, he develops amnesia from a freak boating accident, in which case he says he will try really hard to remember to post them. [1] Where do these Earthling's come up with their stupid names? %e *EOA* %t Play: Richard III %n 9R3 %s The Original Tricky Dick %a John Murphy (JMurphy42@aol.com) %d 19960731 %x Play: Hamlet %x Play: A Midsummer Night's Dream %i Shakespeare's Plays, The Life And Death Of Richard III %i Life And Death Of Richard III, The %i Plays, The Life And Death Of Richard III %i Reviewing The Life And Death Of Richard III %e "The Life and Death of Richard III" is a member of Shakespeare's History play series. In a nutshell, it shows playgoers, the Mad Hunchback's [1] rise to and fall from the English throne. Sir Lawrence Olivier made a decent movie from the play [2], well worth seeing, especially since watching his version is, in terms of a report, just as good as reading the play. Also, the latest version, staged in the 1930's, is excellent, and well worth watching. The play starts out with the line, "Now is the Winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this sun of York". As far as consensus goes, even the Bard himself didn't know what he really meant; he was just being clever. There are a few interpretations, and I shall give my own. Richard III was set at the end of the "Wars of the Roses", fought between the houses of Lancaster and York. York, Edward V, was crowned King of England, having scored a pretty nice victory over Lancaster. Now, Dick here spent the entire war helping Eddie out. He's an ambitious son of a bitch, but couldn't win a war by himself [3]. Thus his discontent with being second-place was dormant. When the sun came up over an England ruled by the ex-Duke of York, the time came to put his schemes into action. The entire first scene is devoted to making Dick, the Duke of Gloster [4], look like a jerk. He plots to kill the King and take the throne, he has his own brother thrown in jail, and to top it off, he owns up to killing Lady Anne's husband (and his father) so that he might be able to convince her to marry him. (She knew about this, by the way.) Lady Anne is an interesting piece of work, too, because she agrees. Their courtship is bizarre, to say the least. His basic argument is that she could do worse [5]. A short spell of vanity overtakes him, shown by the line, "I'll be at charge for a looking-glass; and entertain a score or two of tailors, to study fashions to adorn my body." Then he leaves. We then learn several things. For one, the King is a little ill. For another, not everyone likes our dear Duke of Gloster, most notably the Queen and Lord Hastings. And, to whom have the young princes been unfortunately entrusted? That's right: Tricky Dick. For that matter, everyone except the King seems to be onto him. Well, not everybody. Poor Clarence, you remember, is rotting in jail, while his dear brother is constantly petitioning the King for a death warrant. It is issued, but quickly the King thinks better of it, and writes a reprieve. Guess who the messenger ends up being? If you guessed our dear friend Richard, you'd be right. Clarence is quickly stabbed to death and stuffed in a barrel to drown, as if he's not dead enough already. The King receives word of this on his death-bed. He then dies, and his young son, the up-and-coming Edward VI, is to be named King. The Queen finally catches on to exactly what's happening, takes her youngest son, and claims sanctuary in the church [6]. Gloster is charged with bringing the new King back from the country for his coronation, and manages to force the Queen to let both boys out into the open. From this point, things fit nicely for ol' Dick. He manages to successfully spread a rumor that both Princes are bastards, and, basically, campaigns for King, with the help of Lord Buckingham. He is crowned King, has the two Princes murdered, and manages to tick everyone off. Lord Stanley is spurred to send a messenger to ask Henry, Earl of Richmond, to attack, and the poor, neglected Buckingham is compelled to join him. War is shortly declared, and the newly-crowned King Richard III goes off to battle, keeping Buckingham's youngest son as hostage to prevent an open revolt. We get one of the coolest dream sequences ever (I won't spoil it!), the all-famous line: "A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!" [7]. This is concluded by the final triumph of King Henry VII, thus the death of King Richard III. If, like most people, you stepped out for a quick drink or two, and missed the last Act, don't sweat it. Richard III is a decent read, a good story, and obtuse enough to make the average hitchhiker look brilliant when discussing it. Also well worth watching is the recent release of Richard III, set in the 1930's. The lines were very close to the original, many of the changes being a matter of omission rather than addition. The theme of "Richard's evil being his own undoing" is a good place to start. This one's popular amongst those people who enjoy ranting about such things. If not that, then the whole "power corrupts" bit is okay, particularly the idea that once in office someone will usually turn on you. Great to use right after an election with a disappointing President, Prime Minister, etc. If you're into memorizing scenes to make yourself look bright [8], try the beginning monologue where Richard tells the entire story, the scene where the Princes are going to be murdered, and the dream sequence scene. And, of course, know where the "A horse!" line came from, and you're all set. [1] Ole Dick wasn't, in real life, a hunchback. In fact, he wasn't even ugly, or particularly evil. Shakespeare probably only made him so in order to make his successor, Henry VII, look like an okay guy. Henry was the conversational equivalent of a dead fish. [2] If you don't mind a few annoyances. He made a great Richard, but being made back when color was still called "newfangled", there are numerous problems. For instance, the battle at the end looks as if it were filmed in Southern California rather than in Merry Olde England. Heck, it probably was. If you enjoy heckling such films, a few shots at the orchestra would be appropriate. [3] That doesn't stop him from trying at the end. [4] Normally spelled Gloucester. [5] Probably not true. He does kill her, but then, she did become Queen, for a little while. [6] Reminiscent of the story of another hunchback, eh? [7] He wasn't, by the way, offering a trade. He'd had two horses killed out from under him, thus he couldn't command, and thus the battle was being lost. He really was losing his kingdom for lack of a horse, and was understandably ticked off. [8] Shakespeare is good for that. A number of his soliloquies worm their way into the collective unconscious, and if you can place them, you instantly look educated. %e *EOA* * * End of file: REAL14.NEW * Share and Enjoy! *