* * Archive: SREAL03.NEW * * Created on: Tue Aug 3 15:24:41 1999 * * Number of articles: 25 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to find * an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * 1S6-1 Exterminating Human-Kind * 2S47-1 Venus, Sol 2 * 2S48-1 Sun, The * 2S49-1 Mercury, Sol 1 * 2S50-1 Humphrey, Sol 10 * 2S51-1 Scientific Truth In Product Warning Labels * 2S52-1 Wolverhampton, England, UK, Earth * 2S53-1 Movement * 2S54-1 Haagen Dazs Day * 2S55-1 Delivered Pizza, Grand Unification Theory Of * 2S56-1 Non-Alcoholic Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version * 2S57-1 Ladies' Room, The * 2S58-1 Light, Space, Time, And Imagination * 6S1-1 Drivers With Hats * 2S59-1 Trainers * 2S60-1 Ambient Video * 2S61-1 Abbreviations * 2S62-1 AAAA * 2S63-1 Tann, Chris, The * Skovde-2 Skoevde, Sweden, Earth * 2S65-1 Death And The Afterlife * 2S66-1 How Can Beggars Afford To Keep Dogs? * 2S67-1 Unicorns, Reality Of * 2S68-1 Seize The Day * 6S2-1 Mail-Order Contest, American * %t Exterminating Human-Kind %n 1S6 %s A Beginner's Buide To Devastating An Ecosystem %a Andrew Forrest (aforrest@cs.strath.ac.uk) %d 19940831 %i Capitalism %i Conservation %i Ecology %i Extinction %x Alien Elimination %e INTRODUCTION: So you've got your eye on a nice little planet. It is covered in luscious, green plants, wide oceans and has a lovely atmosphere (78% Nitrogen, 21% Oxygen, 1% Argon). The only problem is how to get rid of the irritating ape-descendants with the digital-watch fixation. This article tells you how to do it in no more than a couple of millennia. It _will_ make a bit of a mess of the biosphere, but that should clear itself up in no more than a millennium or two. You're hooked, right? "How do I start?" you ask yourself. Well, you've got an advantage in working with a primate species with a big enough brain to grasp abstract concepts, and much of its behaviour implemented in software -- we will be adapting the behaviour later on. The opposable thumb and tool-using ability will be useful later too. This article will first discuss some of the potential obstacles in extinguishing an entire species and consider possible ways around these problems. (It is important to take into account the checks that prevent species of animals from habitually destroying themselves.) Next, we shall concentrate on providing the main groundwork for the project, setting up a global financial system -- a free economy -- and some of the effects which this will have. Finally we discuss how one should deliver the final, fatal blows to the human race. CONSIDERATIONS: The theory goes like this: no individual human or small group is able to destroy the whole race. And trying to have every small, tribal group _individually_ precipitate its own demise (by destroying its habitat) is also doomed to failure since: 1) To get any group of animals to destroy their own habitat is very difficult, since to _be_ a natural habitat, the animal must be adapted to living there. To destroy one's environment is to be maladapted to that environment. This suggests we should move people around and put them in unfamiliar and alien surroundings. 2) The groups which _do_ destroy themselves leave any remaining, non-destructive groups, (however few) to prosper and multiply; we must get the entire race to _cooperate_ in its downfall -- form one vast corporate juggernaut of destruction! 3) An individual or small group is most likely to notice the damage they are doing; it is only by effectively isolating cause and effect for long enough that the damage can become effective and permanent. The dog can keep on biting the hand that feeds it as long as it doesn't go hungry. METHOD: The method we are going to use is to set up a Global economy. A system of monetary transfer which encompasses the planet, and which is rigorously enforced and promoted by every major group of humans. Money abstracts wealth and provides a standard unit of currency which has no values attached to it (there is no such thing as `good' or `bad' money). Moreover, an economy engenders specialisation. The producers produce and the consumers consume. The consumers pay money to the producers, so the producers try to create as much of the product as possible as cheaply as possible; the consumers try to obtain as much money as possible and buy the cheapest goods possible. Goods -- food, clothes, housing, water, air -- all flow through the system to the merry jingle of profit. With a class of specialist producers providing the bare necessities of life, the system can afford to keep specialists in other areas: teachers, makers of luxury goods, scientists, priests, prostitutes, soldiers; where there is money, there are professions. In a small tribe with no financial organisation, individuals spend their time hunting for and gathering food and tending their young; in an economy, by contrast, individuals spend half their time making money (by selling a product or service) and the other half expending it (buying and using other products and services). The implications of this system really are enormous. We are starting to breach some of the problems outlined above: 2) The promise of commerce (and therefore, profit) tends to bring groups together. In addition, groups which can support professional armies tend to prevail over groups with no full-time warriors. As the lure of profit is strong, and military power persuasive, we begin to see large nation-states emerge, through conquests military and economic. In time, the natural trade barriers between even these vast states begin to crumble. 1) As countries and economies get bigger, one can observe the enormous movement of people and goods within them. Cities, created for protection and commerce, introduce vast numbers of people to a lifestyle which is increasingly remote from the realities of the world -- from food production and water source; from the plants and animals which provide clothing; from the rocks and trees which are building materials. Even `wild' areas and countryside become increasingly urbanised: roads are built for transporting goods and staging posts and roadside cafes grow up along the roads. To provide the essentials of life to citizens of our booming economy, specialists spring up to grow and harvest the raw materials, farming vast, treeless plains, planting foreign and maladapted plants, spreading toxins and defoliants, breeding other animals into perverse and unnatural shapes, quarrying enormous holes in the ground and uprooting, slashing and burning entire ecosystems. If this sounds like a perverse and unlikely path for Mankind to take, remember that... 3) They won't feel the effects at once. After all, the human population represents only a small proportion of life on the planet. There are plenty of natural resources and plenty of ways to exploit a particular resource (fertile ground, say) well past the stage at which it ceases to be naturally sustainable (by using fertilizers and weedkillers for example). Fortunately, our encroaching civilisation has invested in scientists who have plenty of time to invent things like pesticides, and a medical profession which can devote its time to patching up the victims of wars and urban life and rediscover the benefits of a balanced diet. [`Civilised' diets are notoriously deficient in nutrition, since it is easier for farmers to concentrate on only a few different types of crops; fewer than the varieties in which primitive hunter-gatherers indulge.] Technology becomes increasingly responsible for feeding, clothing, watering, housing and disposing the waste of the ballooning human population, effectively masking the fact that by this time it has become completely unsustainable, like Wile E. Coyote still running, unaware that he has run off the cliff and is about to plunge to the desert floor. There may still be time for him to scramble back, so it probably better to drop a proverbial anvil on his head before he gets the chance... PUTTING THE BOOT IN: It may sound like we have a winning formula here, but there are a few things we have to do to push the species over the edge completely. Representative democracy: Ideally, our megasociety should have really bad leadership towards the end. For the final environmental apocalypse, world leaders must consistently ignore all the warning signs of impending doom and encourage the exploitation of their natural habitat to carry on apace. There is propaganda to be manipulated, industry to be encouraged, dissenters to be suppressed and a public to be kept contented and ill-informed. What better way to achieve really bad leadership than to put a bunch of total incompetents in charge? And ideally, the population of this massive global economy should _want_ to be governed by their leaders. This is actually possible! Organise a system by which the public think _they_ are in charge. Specifically: restrict publication of information to those with enough money and have ruling officials _elected_. Public elections are an excellent selection method for really bad leaders. Unless the public are well informed (which they cannot be with the press and media governed by market forces), only candidates who answer to certain criteria can achieve power: a) Since they depend upon public goodwill to be elected, they must relentlessly push populist and short-term policies, policies which ignore real issues and seek to reassure and comfort their voters. Similarly, our politicians can be relied upon to follow fashions and fads closely, changing their policies on the whim of the popular media. b) They must cultivate their own image and power over that of competitors, ruthlessly covering up scandal and stabbing colleagues in the back when necessary. By this method you can be sure that only the rich, power-hungry and ruthless become powerful leaders. Fast science/technology: Science, the systematic investigation of Nature, must speed up. Likewise, we should aim to shorten the time between a scientific discovery being made and this new discovery being put to use. The reason for this is that with technology becoming increasingly powerful, hastily implemented science has really great potential for causing massive damage. Of course, only a pretty sick society would condone the marketing of immature and untested science (nuclear energy or genetic engineering, for example) before the risks are fully known. It goes almost without saying that if there is a financial imperative, in the money-driven society we are building here, such haste is difficult to prevent! So instant technology is offered by the scientific establishment while development and research into new areas accelerates and engineers today are busy selling what was the cutting edge of research yesterday. Of course, some of the problems which this science produces will be noticed, and when the pressure from an angry public becomes greater than the pressure of the corporations' backhanders, a government must do something. Thankfully the `solution' will usually be just more instant scientific panacea; new illnesses are treated with newer medicines and the science continues on apace. You should keep an eye on the scientific community, however. This, by definition, contains too many free-thinking and open-minded individuals. You should therefore take pains to make sure that the media ignores the majority of warnings from scientists (1) -- it may help to do some planning on this one and to foster mistrust and fear of science at an early stage. Planting the seeds of fundamentalist religion may help too (any brand will do). Make your opponents look silly: Naturally, dire warnings of death and destruction should be avoided at all cost. Your society must not become aware of its destruction, because the nations you have been creating are so technologically sophisticated that they would be easily able to avoid this natural armageddon if sufficiently motivated. Information has a way of making itself known, in time, so the best way to prevent civilisation from becoming aware of its plight is to make sure that it doesn't _want_ to know. We are starting from a fortunate position in that humans evolved in small tribal groups and are emotionally unable to relate to the notion of global extinction. On top of this is the fact that the global economy has powerful interests involved in (over)exploiting natural resources. However you must cope with the fact that _some_ people will become concerned about the plight of their species, especially since the evidence is there for all to see. One of the best ways to make sure that impending doom is ignored is to ensure that its news is trivialised: you must avoid getting the vast populations worried at all costs. The fact that these populations are being kept well fed and watered by the system obviously helps. Rapid population growth: One of the best ways to destroy a population's ecosystem is to vastly increase that population. Fortunately, population growth is practically guaranteed by wealth, something which our society is not be lacking. Wealth can afford doctors to prolong life and give babies to infertile parents. And these new nations with vast farming concerns are more than able to keep up with demand for food. The huge increases in human numbers and the (farm)land required to keep them alive can be easily accommodated by amputating more natural land. (You should make sure, meanwhile, that the population is blind to the dangers of felling vast areas of woodland, draining marshes and damming rivers; and deaf to the warnings -- see above.) Consumer capitalism: Well, you should have already managed to arrange a system of consumer capitalism. But ideally we would like to accelerate its effects; to persuade more people to consume more product, prompting more production, and hence more ecological devastation. Are you beset by problems in your scheme to run down the human race? Not enough consumers buying useless and environmentally-damaging goods? You need ADVERTISING! Yes! Just implant the seeds of product-promotion in any sentient population and see the consumption take off! Now there's _new improved_ Advertising, with Television! Guaranteed to have grasping, materialistic populations running for extinction before you can say "thirty second product slot". Try some today! SUMMARY: Most of this project is just a matter of prompting the societies along occasionally -- there's a bit of work to be done to start it all off -- but mostly the species you're trying to kill will do your job for you. To recap: you first prompt the indigenous humans to adopt a monetary system, then later push for embellishments like `representative democracy' and a consumer culture. After a few thousand years of hard work, you should be able to sit back and watch as the human population approaches doomsday numbers (about x billion) and natural disasters, especially famines, droughts and epidemic diseases start to decimate the population. Civil wars, tribal and religious violence, riots, bloody revolutions (and so on) become more common. Eventually the backbone of civilisation breaks and billions die in the resulting anarchy. Without the Economy to support them, most starve, unable to eke out a living on infertile land. Softened by a safe life with excellent medical care, the inhospitable wilderness and epidemic diseases take their toll on the ex-civilians of our global economy. At this point there are still hundreds of millions of surviving humans, but faced with only limited food and land resources, we can expect most to quickly dwindle to extinction. Many others, will take the quick way out; tin-pot dictatorships unleash chemical, biological and nuclear death on other nations in competing for tiny and shrinking resources. This should quickly wipe out the rest of the survivors. There will soon be no sign of Homo Sapiens. AUTHOR'S NOTE: Go figure. (1) While writing this article I learned that 16000 scientists, a couple of them Nobel winners, recently submitted an open letter to the governments of the world, warning of the dangers of the current exploding population. Nobody seemed to notice. See `Author's note'. %e *EOA* %t Venus, Sol 2 %n 2S47 %s Mostly Sauna %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940717 %i Sol 2 %x Earth %x Finland, Earth %x Sun, The %x Mercury, Sol 1 %x Jupiter, Sol 5 %x Earth %e Venus is the second planet from the Sun. It is odd because it has a day of 243 Earth days, longer than their year (225 Earth days). Venus is the sauna of our solar system. After the skating on Mercury you might want to do some relaxing by coming to Venus a bit, sweat everything out, and then jump into the icy lakes of Europa, Jupiter to chill out. Provided, of course, you know how to jump that far. A finnish sauna is nothing compared to Venus. The average temperature of the Venus-sauna is 470 degrees celsius! Try that for a change! One tiny drawback of venusauna is the somewhat smelly atmosphere made mostly of carbon dioxide, some sulphur dioxide, indicating still active volcanoes, and clouds of sulfuric acid which sting the hell out of you, and that there's so much of this (with a pressure of 90 atmosphere) that you can walk over Venus' whole surface and believe you're stuck in a tub. I am, however, convinced that, if well dosed, this can be a very healthy and skin-rinsing experience. Venus has not always been like this. Once it was Heaven on Earth (ehm, on Venus of course) with . After the Venusians invented the sauna they wanted to stay in them longer and longer. This went well up until the point they installed a planet-wide sauna but forgot it couldn't be ventilated, and so they demolished all the lovely stuff we would all like to have very much, thank you. So they left. The Venusians are now all in the Sun, burnt to a crisp because they were so arrogant that they thought they were cool enough to join the Solar System Ultra-Party. How cool can you be if you f***-up a planetwide sauna system! Finns, be warned!! %e *EOA* %t Sun, The %n 2S48 %s The Solar System Ultra-Party %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940717 %i Sol %x Earth %x Mercury, Sol 1 %x Venus, Sol 2 %x Jupiter, Sol 5 %x Humphrey, Sol 10 %e The Sun is the star in the centre of our solar system. It is of spectral type G2V and has several bodies orbiting it. Those are, in order: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto, and Humphrey. There are also a lot of asteroids and comets cruising the solar system. The largest numbers can be found in the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter, and in the Oort cloud, even further away than Humphrey (almost halfway to the nearest star!). To visit the sun you have to be absolutely mega-cool 'cause there are some *hot* parties going on there. So far no Earthling has gone to, or put more accurately, arrived at the party, sadly indicating we have a long way to go before we are the coolest froods in the solar system . Word goes around that once you're there, it's such an ultra-party that it's hard to leave. All the ancient civilizations who used to live all over the solar system (for example the ancient Earthlings, the ancient Asteroid Beltians, the ancient Martians, the ancient Humphreyians, and the ancient Titans) are at the very moment still partying on, much to their amusement. Occasionally the Sun gives us Earth weenies the finger. She doesn't, however, offend us with that. In fact we are quite amused because it gives us the most wonderful light shows, ranging from the polar caps to smaller latitudes. Actually, very few Earthlings know about the solar system ultra-party. Observations of the Sun haven't so far revealed any proof of the party being there, or we just don't recognize the signs. The few people on Earth who do know about it have stuck their heads together and convinced the industry to send a space probe to the solar caps. The theory now goes that most of the party goes on at those spots, because all beings are too drunk to ride on the equator. Evidence of this is found on some spots on the surface. Science calls them "sun spots" but they are actually huge "puke spots." The scientific probe Ulysses has at this moment, after first using Jupiter as a sling, reached the south pole of the Sun and indeed encountered a rise in the amount of solar confetti. Insiders are said to have celebrated it with a small party (with respect to that on the Sun), and immediately started a lobby for a manned space mission to the solar poles. I will continue to inform you on this. %e *EOA* %t Mercury, Sol 1 %n 2S49 %s What's There To Do On Mercury %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940717 %i Sun Tan, Good Place To Acquire %i Sol 1 %x Sun, The %x Earth %e Mercury is the ultimate place in our solar system to get a nice tan. Some 88 sunny days a year is the everlasting weather forecast. Remember to bring along your sunblock factor 25,000 or you will involuntarily experience that all man are equal on Mercury. That is in fact the second attraction of the planet. No racism at all, for all non-sunblock-users turn into a crispy black. Mercury is also the secret hiding place of Farookh Bulsara, former lead singer of the famous rock band "Queen." In contrary to the widespread belief he has died of AIDS, he has really been abducted by aliens. The favorite pastime of people on Mercury is to, after a long day (58.6 Earth days) of lying on the beach (covering almost the whole planet), have a barbecue and maybe later on, skate on the crater-wide ice rinks at the poles. A pity though that there are no bars, no cafe's, or whatever on Mercury to get the so much needed refreshment. No glasses to put ice cubes in either. This leaves Mercury the perfect place to end your life, because without drinks you'll very soon start drinking your sunblock, and faster than you can say "chocolate covered doughnut" you'll turn into one. %e *EOA* %t Humphrey, Sol 10 %n 2S50 %s The Mysterious Tenth Planet Of Sol %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940717 %i Sol 10 %x Earth %x Sun, The %e The planet Humphrey was found from the deviation in the orbits of Neptune and Uranus that could not be accounted to Pluto. It is made of an unknown dark matter that doesn't reflect in the optical or infrared. It is four times heavier than the Earth and has a strongly inclined, stretched out orbit around the Sun. Its year is approximately 800 Earth years. A lot of hoopy froods used to live here, but now Humphrey's completely deserted because everyone reached such a level of coolness that they've all gone to the Solar System Ultra-Party on the Sun. %e *EOA* %t Scientific Truth In Product Warning Labels %n 2S51 %s Crutial Warnings To Heed With Care %a Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky (Not available via Internet) * Submitted by alexmc@biccdc.co.uk (Alex McLintock) %d 19940208 %i Hazard Warnings %e (Stolen Without Permission from Journal of anillegiblycopiedtitle) WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity. WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the Universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the distance between them. CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight. HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user. ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but non zero chance that, through a process known as "tunnelling," this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbour's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result. COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied. CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving. NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power cannot therefore be permanently guaranteed. ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this produce consists of 99.999999999999% empty space. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles her hour. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of a grand unified theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years. PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product has ten-dimensional legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three- dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small area that they cannot be detected. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed. PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state. THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result. %e *EOA* %t Wolverhampton, England, UK, Earth %n 2S52 %d 19940717 %a Stephen Casey (cm5292@scitsc.wlv.ac.uk) %s Centre Of The Unknown Universe %x Earth %e The first thing to note is that if anyone ever discovers what universe Wolverhampton is the centre of, RUN. Stories of Wolverhampton are many and varied. Not ALL of these are true, but it is fair to say that only the good ones should be ignored. One of these stories includes a mention by the unknown author, Douglas N. Adams [1]. Geographically, it is located fairly close to Birmingham, and not really that close to anywhere else of interest. This is not to say that Birmingham is interesting, but that is another story. It is also, rather disturbingly, in the West Midlands shire of the UK. To the casual observer, these facts may not seem too disturbing, but to the more wary, or seasoned hitchhiker, they will mean one thing:, the West Midlands accent. This excuse for a means of communication is so rough, and difficult to understand that even babel fish (if they were to exist) would be stumped as to their meaning. They have been known to cause huge queues of people, waiting to be served at bars, while the bartender attempts to discover what a GeyaennTunic is. Depending on the time of year, the population fluctuates wildly. This can almost immediately be blamed on the fact that the local university plays host to some 18 thousand students. These of course all leave as soon as it becomes apparent that nothing is to be learned, either because of reasons beyond comprehension, or because of holidays. For some reason however, every year, when term resumes, they return. During these empty periods however, the town becomes akin to a morgue. The nightlife simmers down to a mere bubble, and many of the nightclubs close. You have been warned. The situation when the students take up residence however is totally different. Many clubs are available, mostly to serve the every need of the rather inebriated student. Some of these are listed here. The Web ------- Could also be termed the "Firetrap." Two kinds of people attend this particular gathering: first year students that don't know any better, and seasoned students that know where the fire exits are. Other than that, quite nice. Fatty Arbuckles --------------- Named after a Hollywood star of old, this place is almost the complete nemesis of the Web. All sorts of people attend and enjoy complete segregation due to the large area the club takes up. The Dorchester -------------- A once semi-respectable club that took to the idea of aiming at students. Since this, they have decided that the height of fashion would be to invite Danni Minogue to perform in front of selected victims, also known as clients. Note to all straight hitchhikers: be careful which night you attend due to the gay nights; on non-gay nights, beware of which stairs you go down to get to the toilets - the club often does mixed student/gay club nights. There are several other clubs in Wolverhampton, but many of them change name/management way too often to keep track of. The usual method of deciding which club to go to is to throw a stone along the ground and go to whatever club flyer the stone lands on. The selection of pubs is wide and varied. It is difficult to recommend any however, as they have a bad habit of completely changing style overnight to compensate for bad profits the night before. A good guide is to check the occupants for tatoos on their necks, if found, with such words as punks or skins on them - leave the building immediately. One exception to this rule is the Posada, which is a thoroughly welcoming pub. Honourable mention also goes to this author's favourite pub in the UK. This pub is called the Newhampton, and is situated some 20 minutes walk away from the centre. If you visit the town, go there. [1] If anyone happens to know where he mentions it, please mail me! I think it was on a right hand page of a paperback copy. %e *EOA* %t Movement %n 2S53 %s How To Move From One Point To Another %d 19940719 %a Rickard Andersson (rickard@softlab.se) %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %x Earth %e As a hitchhiker you are probably used to the phenomena of movement. But if you feel that you aren't an expert in the field of movement or if you have a terrible hangover and forgotten how to move, here are some tips regarding the use of movements. The first thing you have to learn is how to do _movement in space_. This can shortly be described as how to get from point A to point B (or in some extreme cases to point C). On the planet Earth, this is mostly done by moving in an almost straight line around the surface of the globe. In the universe, the moving can be done in a lot of other ways. For instance, imagine the space as a napkin that is tucked together and washed in an enormous washer. To move about in this space you need much luck and a dirty towel. If this hypothesis doesn't make sense to you, there are many other simplifying ideas on how to imaging movement in space. When a hitchhiker has learned all the various ways of moving in space, a new grade of difficulty can be entered. This includes how to do _movement in time_. But it would be a lie to say that all movements in time are difficult to perform. On the planet Earth a hitchhiker can without to much trouble move forward in time one second 60 times every minute. This is the task that most of the habitants on Earth practice constantly. It seems as the movement backwards in time isn't nearly as popular. You must move in space to some more obscure places in the universe to meet people that have movement backwards in time as their natural way of time movement. And you risk being a bit confused in meeting them, because they would answer your questions before you said them and leave you before (or is it after) you have meet them. To become one of the more famous hitchhikers in the universe, a third level must be obtained. This means that you have been introduced to _movement in public toilet queues_. Beyond this level there are some other ways of movement that will make life as a hitchhiker a lot easier. And to gain the most of your movement ability, you have to use more that one type of movement at the same time. %e *EOA* %t Haagen Dazs Day %n 2S54 %s A Wild Celebration For The Sake Of Celebrating %a Don Edward Goodman, Jr. (dgoodman@sparc.msms.doe.k12.ms.us) %d 19940720 %i Celebrations, Haagen Dazs %e Haagen Dazs Day: the one opportunity of the year that lets one celebrate absolutely anything for absolutely no reason. Occurring concurrently with the Ides of January (15 January), it has a deep and rich history involving the fate of nations, historic battles, and an unsuspecting Waffle House. History ------- Haagen Dazs Day is actually a celebration of Marvin the Musty Munchkin and his defeat of the German Moondoggie Riders using only a Stick each of Salami and Swiss Cheese of the type without those little holes in it, circa 18-something-or-other AD, in Northern France and Germany, Earth, which he was able to foresee using the Magical Hot-Dog-O-Power and his Shoelace of Wisdom. The decision to make a holiday of this joyous event came about around March of 1993, during a lull in the lecture of a class in World (Earth) History class at Columbus High School, Columbus, Mississippi, United States, Earth. The first celebration, nearly a year later, was a monumental undertaking, involving a large population of the Mississippi School for Math and Science, also in Columbus, Mississippi, United States, Earth. The fact the Mississippi School for Math and Science is a boarding school made for some interesting opportunities for the first Haagen Dazs Day. It was marked, in an unforeseen precedent, by an entire week of preparatory partying, most of which involved large quantities of sugar and mindless silliness. On the 15th, then, a large group of students march on foot to the nearest Waffle House, nearly a mile and a half away from the school campus, wearing brightly colored togas, and chanting in a Southern dialect, where a great time and much sugar was had by all. Traditions ---------- It is customary for the Head Honcho to find and consecrate a salami to represent the Sacred Salami Stick. In addition, the Head Honcho must also keep the Magical Hot-Dog-O-Power, and the Shoelace of Wisdom, which must be at aged at least 3 years. On Haagen Dazs Eve, or 'Da've for short, the ceremonies are held for the consecration of the Sacred Salami Stick, Magical Hot-Dog-O-Power, and the Shoelace of Wisdom, usually by Whapping each member of the congregation participating in the next days many Parties and Opportunities To Make a Fool of Ones Self with the frozen forms of said items. Hard Whaps. After much delirious and meaningless Chanting, in whatever language is available (preferably something foreign or even better, classical) everyone goes about their business. The main point of all the ceremony attached to Haagen Dazs Day is really to publicly humiliate not only those present for the ceremony, but also those innocent bystanders wondering why there is a bonfire in the middle of the street. The next day is strictly for partying; the preferred location for such parties is the ever-famous Waffle House. However, if none are to be found in ones locale, then whatever is there will do nicely. All travel is done on foot while wearing togas, or anything socially frightening like polyester leisure suits or swimming suits (it /is/ January, yes?). Also, _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ must be shown at least once that day, and when not chanting, one should speak in either a British or Southern (US) accent. Consumables ----------- As to food and drink, alcohol is not the norm. Sugar, is however, consumed in vast quantities, and often, there are contests to see who can turn their coffee into syrup first, by only adding sugar. After that, another contest will usually follow, to see who can drink the resulting coffee (syrup) without passing out. Honestly. It is entirely possible for three to four people to use and consume over a pound of sugar. Also, as this usually takes place in a Waffle House, many (many) waffles are eaten as well. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD THE SACRED SALAMI STICK, THE MAGICAL HOT DOG-O-POWER, OR THE SHOELACE OF WISDOM EVER BE EATEN!! They are to be kept for next year, wherever is convenient; the Shoelace of Wisdom may continue its previous career on ones shoe, however. Questions, comments, lewd remarks, ideas, and such should be sent to dgoodman@sparc.msms.doe.k12.ms.us All flames will be redirected to /dev/null. Have fun! %e *EOA* %t Delivered Pizza, Grand Unification Theory Of %n 2S55 %s The Math Behind The Pizza %a Paul Jason Clegg (cleggp@megadodo.com) %d 19940813 %x Pizza %i Grand Unification Theory Of Delivered Pizza %i Pizza, Delivered, Grand Unification Theory Of %i Relativity, Special Pizza %e While Paul Clegg is more commonly known for his work with Project Galactic Guide, what is not so commonly known is his work with the Grand Unification Theory. The Grand Unification Theory, that is, of Delivered Pizza. One particularly boring weekend, while gaming with some friends in the basement of one of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute's lecture halls, one of Paul's friends had some pizza delivered. Upon receipt of the pizza, which was, apparently, on time but late as usual, Paul noted their response to the temperature of the pizza. "It's not very hot," they said. Almost immediately, the clockworkings of Paul's brain, dusty though they were, set into motion, pondering the mathematics behind the delivered pizza. "Is it any good?" Paul asked. And in reply, his friend, with a mouth full of not-quite-hot pizza, mumbled an unexcited affirmation. Paul then thought that perhaps the quality of a pizza was somehow related to the temperature of the pizza. He also then theorized that the warmth of the pizza was, of course, indirectly proportional to the time it took for the pizza to arrive. This set down the framework for one of the basic principles and formulas for determining the quality of a delivered pizza. In recognition for his brilliant discoveries in the field of Pizza Delivery Mathematics, the entire team of researchers working in the field named the unit of measure for pizza quality the "Clegg." Eventually, the quality equation was filled out to a more robust form, as shown below: P T Q = ------- t (1+I) Q is the quality of the pizza, measured in Cleggs, and represents the unit dollars Kelvin per minute. T is, of course, the temperature of the pizza upon delivery, and is measured in Kelvins. P is the price of the pizza, in American dollars. t is the time taken for the pizza to be delivered, in minutes, starting from the end of the phone call, to the point at which the box of pizza is opened at the receiving end. I is a slightly odd concept. It measures the "Italianicity" of the name of the establishment from which the pizza was ordered. I takes on a value of arbitrary value, based on how "Italian" the name of the pizza joint has. So whereas Domino's Pizza scores only a 0.2, a place called Italia's is upwards of a 0.8. The scale only operates between 0 and 1, and the scale has been named "The Toigo Scale," in honor of the man who added it to the equation, Mark Toigo, a chemical engineer at RPI. To receive a scale of 0, the pizza parlor's name would have to be something like "Billy Bob's Pizza," and written in Sanskrit. An average Domino's Pizza Large has been found to score about 118.10 Cleggs, with a price of about $12.80, an arrival temperature of about 310 Kelvin, a delivery time of about 28 minutes, and rating a 0.2 on the Toigo Scale. Amazed with this initial discovery, Paul and his compatriots, who may, or may not, have included Mark Toigo, Sam Blue, Deb Atwood, Kevin Allen, Shawn Havranek, Nigel Westlake, and Brian Moore, set out to derive some more mathematical truths behind delivered pizza. What you'll find below is a somewhat disjointed collection of the more important findings made on that glorious night. 1. The time t required to receive a pizza is inversely proportional to the distance D from your location to the pizza joint. Thus, we introduce a proportionality constant, Beta, and end up with the following equation: Beta t = ---- D Where Beta is a constant in m * s. 2. The lifetime of a pizza parlor is equal to the average price of their pizza P(avg), times the average temperature of the delivered pizza T(avg) in Kelvin, times a constant Alpha, divided by the average quality of their pizza Q(avg): P(avg) T(avg) Alpha lifetime = --------------------- Q(avg) Check the units. They work out. 3. The ability to taste a topping on a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of toppings on the pizza. 4. Shawn's Law: The size of an individual topping element is inversely proportional to the price of the pizza. 5. The quality of a pizza approaches zero (Q -> 0) and the amount of cheese found on the pizza approaches zero, as the number of toppings approaches infinity. 6. The frictional coefficient of a pizza's cheese is equal to a constant divided by the quantity of sauce. The coefficient is measured in "Debs," and R is the "Deb Constant." c R c f = ----- cheese sauce 7. The thickness of cheese may be determined by the following computation: (sum(number of left turns)-sum(number of right turns)mv thickness = ------------------------------------------------------- f m a R cheese cheese car 8. The likeliness of a delivery person finding your location is inversely proportional to the simplicity of your address or directions. Thus, if you are standing inside the pizza parlor itself, chances are slim that the delivery person will actually find you. This is not to say that overly complex instruction sets will improve the chances greatly. 9. The Blue Effect: The time it takes a Domino's Pizza delivery person to deliver a pizza is inversely proportional to the number of police cars patrolling the route taken by the driver. 9a. Corollary to the Blue Effect: A Domino's Pizza delivery person will always deliver a pizza faster than the average police response time. 9b. Corollary to the Corollary: The average police response time is much much much greater than the response time of a Troy Ambulance. 10. The IQ of the pizza driver, and the IQ of the person who takes the order at the pizza shop, sum to a constant. This constant has been approximated to about 120. 11. The time required to come to a decision on what toppings to order is equal to the exponential of the square of the number of people trying to decide. If n is the number of people, the time, in minutes, is equal to: 2 n e 12. The time in which a pizza is consumed is equal to the number of people who paid for the pizza divided by the number of people who actually ate some of the pizza, multiplied by a time constant. Note that these formulas can only apply to delivered pizza. Frozen pizza, homemade pizza, and take-out pizza are forms of pizza that may not subscribe to these natural laws. %e *EOA* %t Non-Alcoholic Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version %n 2S56 %s New Non-Alcoholic Drink, Made For Earth %a Gilman Tolle (sane@netaxs.com) %d 19940709 %x Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version %e After reading in the Guide about the Terran Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster (PGGB), I have decided to design my own Non-Alcoholic version for the younger fans, of which I happen to belong. My brother helped in the creation of this article, and he wants to be mentioned. (Hi, Ian!) So here we go: 1) Take the liquid from any clear soda you have available, because you will see everything clearly after this drink. Cherry flavoring enhances the savor of the drink. 2) Slowly pour in blue coloring for a wonderful color, because seeing is always believing. (This is optional, in case you don't have any food coloring.) 3) Let Coke, Pepsi, or whatever you prefer, run into the mixture. Be mesmerized by the spreading blackness like the black holes of space. 4) Speedily stirring the mixture, add orange juice in honor of the brave oranges who died to give you this drink. Revel in the circular logic of this statement. 5) Over the back of a silver spoon, spill a spoonful of sugar, in commemoration of all the hyperactive children in the galaxy. Rubberize your walls, for you shall be bouncing off of them. 6) Drop in a single chocolate chip. This does not add much to the flavor, but it is a treat for the end. 7) Finally, sprinkle Gatorade over the mixture. Let the complex carbohydrates and replenishing minerals confuse your mind with their utter uselessness, even though everybody thinks they help. Now you have the drink, and you are in the correct frame of mind to drink it, if you followed all the instructions up to now. Drink carefully. Drink some more carefully. The hell with carefulness, just drink it. Enjoy. %e *EOA* %t Ladies' Room, The %n 2S57 %s How Can So Many People Fit In Such A Small Space (Part 1 Of A Series) %a Don Edward Goodman, Jr. (dgoodman@sparc.msms.doe.k12.ms.us) %d 19940720 %i Powder Room Puzzle, The %x Opinions On UFOs %e The ladies' room has always been much of a mystery to humans (Earth) of the male persuasion. Many questions have appeared over history, but none so burning as how do so many of them fit into such a tiny space? Dr Steven Moore, in his book _Transdimensionalism and the Ladies' Room: Warp Lanes to Infinity_, traces the history of mans' search to reveal the truth: If one has ever been to a restaurant with a group of friends, a sizeable quantity of which are female, then one must surely notice that, at some point, all of the women will get up and migrate to the ladies' room for some reason totally incomprehensible to any man. But what is utterly baffling is how so many people can fit themselves into such a small space with no apparent discomfort. Many theories have been proposed, however, in an attempt to explain this bizarre phenomenon. One famous early hypothesis, proposed by the late Dr. Sergei Ivanovich Sarkonov, states that the lighting and arrangement of mirrors in the powder room makes it appear smaller than it really is. Unfortunately, after a daring expedition made by a group of all-male scientists into a typical ladies' room in 1905, this theory was struck down through careful observation and study of the lights and mirrors. They concluded that the room really was as cramped as it looked, and the "Powder Room Puzzle," as it was now known, became one of the greatest scientific dilemmas of all time. In the early 1940's, however, after Einstein's concept of relativity became popular among theoretical scientists, one young, fresh mind, Dr. Georg Schlaufel from the University of Berlin, conjectured that there was a confined disturbance in the Time-Space Continuum in each of these locations, allowing, somehow, more people to fit into a smaller space than previously thought possible. However, this line of thought was ill-fated, as Dr. Schlaufel was drafted into Germany's war machine and was killed shortly thereafter in the destruction of Berlin by the Allies. As he was the only one able to read his handwriting, his theory, unable to be understood by anyone living at the time, was soon forgotten. With the advent of the third-generation supercomputer and superstring theory in the mid-eighties, modern physics has been able once more to delve into the mysteries of the ladies' room. Robert Matthews, a computer programmer for the National Center for Supercomputing Research, after nearly a dozen years of research and tedious programming, managed to write a simulation program that attempted to describe what actually occurs when large numbers of people filter into the women's restroom. He found that the time-space continuum is actually compressed in small pockets, all of which amazingly seem to coincide with the placement of ladies' restrooms, and that after the capacity of a bathroom is reached, any additional people entering the room appear to occupy the same point in the continuum as the people already in the restroom. Of course, this is mere illusion, because as it turns out, the room is actually dimensional transcendental: it contains more space than it occupies. Unfortunately, the government soon found out about this interesting phenomenon and obstructed the publication of Matthews' findings for national security reasons. However, the information leaked out of NASA and other government agencies. The public, through the media, became acutely aware that a ground-breaking discovery had been made, and they petitioned the government to make public the information. With the passing of the Freedom of Information Act in 1990, the mind-bending truth was revealed to the populace, and physics as we knew it was changed forever. %e *EOA* %t Light, Space, Time, And Imagination %n 2S58 %d 19941108 %a Leif Austin Hassell (lhassell@quapaw.astate.edu) %s Some Of Albert Einstein's Ideas %x Earth %x Light %x Light, Speed Of, Why It Is Finite %x Time %e Einstein was the first Earthling to start to figure out some of God's "Universal Glitches", i.e. the finite/infinite speed of light; that time is the fourth dimension (we are still a bit confused by that one, but hey, this is Earth we're talking about...); that space, like so many other things in our lives, often gets bent; and that "Imagination is more important than Intelligence." The least known fact about Einstein is that he is *not* dead! Einstein, while investigating why light is *so* damned fast, accidentally accelerated himself *past* the speed of light (a feat we still don't know how he accomplished), and was picked up on Jagulon Beta by a pleasure cruiser some days later... He is now running a small bar and grill on Betelguese IV. The service is great, but he uses *way* too much bratwurst. %e *EOA* %t Drivers With Hats %n 6S1 %s A Traffic Jam Phenomenon %a Tom Elliott (tosh@werple.net.au) * * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet by Roel van der Meulen * (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) * %d 19940821 %e The phenomenon of traffic jams always being proceeded by slow and carefully driven cars with drivers wearing hats seems to be universal (at least in the Western world). I had heard it applied throughout many countries... My question is _why_? Is there some sort of secret Hat Drivers Association where they all band together to spread confusion. Possibly the style of hat is a secret symbol, recognised only by other Hatted Drivers. [SCENE: Hatted Drivers Australian HQ, Melbourne. An elderly man wearing one of those greenish cloth fishing hats is standing, watching a multitude of other elderly people, who in turn are watching computer screens, reading hard copy, and talking on telephones] [Man wearing fedora comes running up, gasping] Fedora Man: Sir! Just in. (Hands over a piece of paper). Leader: Good God - Traffic on the freeway moving clearly! Emergency stations! Deploy elite HD squad! [Camera pans, showing the HQ springing to action, people yelling into phones, typing furiously on computers.] [Scene 2: Elderly gent's home. Elderly man is sitting reading, when the "special" phone rings. Man picks up phone.] Voice On Phone: Hello, I was just looking for a box of pickles. Elderly Man: You'll find them in the swimming pool. [A moment of silence as the codes are checked, then:] Voice: We have a situation here, traffic is flowing freely on the freeway - something must be done _immediately_! We need you to rectify the situation. We're all counting on you, do your best. Man: I'm on it. [Man walks to large ornate box in corner, opens it. A cloth hat is nestled inside. The cap is gently removed from the box.] Man: Come on old boy, we've got work to do. [Scene: Outside man's house. Sound of a supercharged engine and a roar of tires, and a powder blue Volvo screams out of the driveway, through two lanes of traffic, over a median strip, and towards the freeway.] [Scene: Eight minutes later, Volvo is weaving gently from lane to lane, holding a steady 60 kph in a 100 zone, with left hand indicator going. Traffic is banked up for miles] Enraged Driver: LOOK AT THAT BASTARD!!!! (Leans on horn.) Passenger: And he's wearing a goddam _hat_! Hatted Driver: Calling HQ, situation is under control. [Hatted driver waves to counterpart in ancient Morris Minor, also weaving erratically] END. The scary thing is, they exist.... No, honestly. %e *EOA* %t Trainers %n 2S59 %s Nothing To Do With Teachers %a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (alexmc@biccdc.co.uk) %d 19941114 %e Someone said an army marches on its stomach. General Pinta Beer disagrees: "An army marches on its trainers." In fact sometimes if you are short of cash to pay the wages then Air Nike will go a long way to pacifying your troops. This field researcher wears one brand of Trainer: Hitec. This is partly because they are British but mostly because they stop my big toe from poking through a hole made in just two months. Some people call trainers sneakers, but that is not politically correct since the word "sneakers" has negative connotations for which you could be sued in several major law courts. Trainers have nothing to do with teachers, taking aim, railway carriages, dresses, or showers of "T." You may have noticed that trainers no longer smell as bad as they do. Thanks to the men in white coats your mum no longer threatens to put your trainers in the washing machine. If you live in college halls you might put your trainers on the window sill over night to air. (This is next to your milk which has to stay cool - and if you put it in the communal fridge then someone always nicks it. Of course if you got this confused and put your trainers in the fridge to keep them cool then your life expectancy drops rapidly.) %e *EOA* %t Ambient Video %n 2S60 %s Elevator Music For Your Eyes %a Alex McLintock (alex@arcfan.demon.co.uk) %d 19950101 * The first paragraph is real, and the second is unreal... thus semi-real %e The growth of Ambient Music over recent years has been matched by the upsurgence of ambient videos. This started with artistic films of aquariums and waves rolling over the sea shore. This developed into videos taken from inside cars which would drive around the M25 Greater London ring road. For train spotters, there are videos of complete train journeys. In the last years of the twentieth century the Imaginar Corporation of Soho, London released two highly successful ambient video CDs. The first distributed the pleasures of watching paint dry, and the second watching grass grow. %e *EOA* %t Abbreviations %n 2S61 %s The Most Useless Things %a George Jakubaas (jakubaas@ragehard.limmat.net.ch) %d 19941221 %i Useless Things %e The inhabitants of Earth invented a lot of things, some of them useful: they invented the making of fire (also known as matches, lighters, zippos, and flamethrowers). They invented printing -- matrix printing, laser printing. They also invented a pretty useless thing called a speeding ticket. Nobody likes them, but they exist. It seems that on Earth, everything that is disliked and unpopular is very common, too. But the most useless thing Earthlings invented are abbreviations! Abbreviation is a method of making easily understandable words, names, and phrases more complex and confusing by using only the first, second, third, the first and second, the first and third, the second and third, the second and fourth letter (or any other variation) of the word the writer refers to. Sometimes completely different letters are being used which don't show up at all in the original words. Some examples: DOS = Disk Operating System 3.5" MF 2HD = Double Density 3.5 inch disks. (Nobody knows what MF means; it might mean "mainframe" or a very, very vulgar curse; maybe MF stands for malfunction or maybe even for Marty Feldman.) FYI = For Your Information BTW = By The Way IUFOWTMUMBARG = If you find out what this means you must be a real genius! A lot of studies about abbreviations were made in the most famous and best-known universities of the galaxy. Even the "UBAFUF" (Unbelievingly Big and Famous University, Fronkle System) dealt with this phenomenon. A study about these studies revealed that they took 564325 man-years altogether to get written. The only matter which was dealt with for a longer period of time altogether were the studies about "The Origin of Stupidity." The essential conclusion made in all studies about abbreviations is: Abbreviations are useless. If you can prove the opposite, please contact the author ASAP!!! %e *EOA* %t AAAA %n 2S62 %s Anonymous Acronym Abuse Association %a Rickard Andersson (rickard@softlab.se) %d 19950119 %x Abbreviations %x CASIP And AAAAAAA %e The AAAA is a little known association but it has a numerous amount of people as members. Because all you have to do to become an AAAA member is to use an acronym once in a lifetime, preferably your own. This makes almost every human on earth a likely candidate for the AAAA, and the AAAA can thus be seen as a home for all humans that have used or are using acronyms. If you feel that you haven't joined the AAAA yet, go ahead and write one or more acronyms. Now feel the joy of being a member of yet another association. There are some organizations that have taken as their task to fight the AAAA and its members. One of the most unknown is AAAAAAA, which stands for the All-American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous. As you all can imagine their struggle to keep acronyms from being used are doomed. To be honest the AAAAAAA has quickly disqualified itself from the fight by using their own acronym in public. A not very intelligent move from the AAAAAAA, that has left the AAAA with more members than anyone cares to count. "Acronyms -- what are they," some of you might be asking yourself at this point. Well, the word AAAA is of course an acronym and it can be substituted with the four words Anonymous Acronym Abuse Association. So there you have it. An acronym is a short way of saying something longer with a smaller set of characters than was necessary without the acronym. %e *EOA* %t Tann, Chris, The %n 2S63 %s A Leg-End In His Own Lunchbox %a Chris Tann, The (chris_tann@bigfoot.com) %d 19950130 %e Sometime around 20:00, on the 7th of June, 1965, a momentous event took place. At least, it was a momentous event in the life of Chris Tann: it started. Some 10829 standard Earth days later, he became a field reporter for Project Galactic Guide. During these 10829 days, Chris achieved many things. He (re)started the "Manic Depressive Society," invented two completely different versions of the game "Boomshanka," and washed approximately 6000 [1] socks [2]. He also spent quite some time as lead-singer of "Alistair in Wonderland." He was described by The Scientologists as "A Compulsive Extrovert." They were most disappointed when, on replying to their offer of help, he was quoted as saying, "Hey man, what do I want help for, that's PERFECT!" [1] Note the use in this article of references to single socks, not pairs. It is in the authors opinion that socks are rarely in pairs, at least, not if they can avoid it. [2] This does not imply that he has poor personal hygiene habits; he just goes barefoot an awful lot. %e *EOA* %t Skoevde, Sweden, Earth %n 2S64 %s Hoopiest Place Of Sweden... NOT!!! %a Roberth Karman (a94robka@ida.his.se) %d 19950215 %i Skovde, Sweden, Earth %x Sweden, Earth %x Earth %e If you have ever heard of Sweden you have probably never heard of Skoevde. That's because you don't want to! The absolutely most exciting thing about Skoevde is its students. If you are lucky you might see one of those hoopiest creatures of Sweden. The students of Skoevde can be put into two categories: 1) The studying ones (dull and bureaucratic) 2) The Partying ones (Hikers like me!) The people of category 1 can easily be spotted. They wear boring clothes and are always looking for their pen instead of their towel. You should always try to avoid these people, since they have a bad habit of always stating a conversation about the world's economic state or asking you questions about your social position. The other (hoopy) people are dressed in colourful overalls and smile all the time. These cool people can tell you where to get a good snack and a cold beer (with peanuts) for the lowest price! They are often spotted in small groups (2-10) and often the are singing (well-known tunes as "Jarnvagsbommar," "Jag vill ut och gasqua," and so on). If you are from the outermost parts of the galaxy and get stuck in Skoevde, Don't Panic. Green persons with two heads and antennas are not unfamiliar to the citizens of Skoevde. Just ask when the next spaceship will arrive and they will tell you, and then go visit the "pizzeria Nilen" and have a pizza while waiting. Have fun, and if you ever get here... visit me! %e *EOA* %t Death And The Afterlife %n 2S65 %s A Close Up And Personal Look At The Big Dirt Nap %a Gerry Canavan (VSUD56B@prodigy.com) %d 19950131 %x Hell %x Afterlife, The %e Death ----- Death is a common condition commonly occurring after life. It is typically looked on as a "bad" thing, except in the rare cultures along the northern rim of the eastern arch of the southernmost spiral of the galaxy, where they look up death as a good thing. These cultures look upon death as a good thing, because, unlike most other lifeforms, they lack the "block-out" sector of the brain. The "block-out" sector of the brain protects the consciousness from realizing that life is a cruel meaningless existence in which one is subjected to torture after torture and then, finally, after years and years of pure hell, is finally granted rest. There is an uncommonly high suicide rate in the rare cultures along the northern rim of the eastern arch of the southernmost spiral of the galaxy. Death as a "Bad" Thing ---------------------- For all other cultures, death is universally condemned. It has been rejected for years, but surprisingly all the "SAY NO TO DEATH" protest marches and the "HECK NO, WE WON'T DIE" sit-ins have done little to stop it. Today we tuck it into that mysterious area of the brain called the WAITS. WAITS stands for the "Worry About It Later Sector." What to Do if You Meet Up with the Grim Reaper ---------------------------------------------- For the first time ever, here is a guide of what to do if, perchance, you meet up with old Grimsey himself: 1) Nothing. Here is a list of warning signs that "gee, I might be dead." If you see: a) A man wielding a scythe wearing unfashionable black clothes b) a swirling tunnel of bright light, or c) the ghost of your father moaning in a spooky voice, "Remember the years of hell you put me through, you miserable brat? Well, its payback time, bucko." If you see any of these, you can pretty much assume that you're, to quote the now common phrase, "...dead as a tri-paralleled circuit conduit running through the motion activated doorknob of an electronically opening door on a starship with a GPP (Genuine People Personality)." The Afterlife ------------- There are many ideas as to what lies in the great hereafter. Some say it is a heavenly paradise, cleverly named "Heaven." Others say it is a fiery inferno in which our souls burn in agony, with the pain increasing from moment to moment... this living hell has cleverly been named "Hell." It seems like every religion has a different idea about what lies beyond death. Much research has been done looking into the existence of an afterlife. Unfortunately, not much information can be ascertained without actually dying. Since many of today's sissy, nampy-pampy wimp scientists seem unwilling to do this, death and the afterlife may forever be an eternal mystery. %e *EOA* %t How Can Beggars Afford To Keep Dogs? %n 2S66 %s The Skinny Dog Agency %a Andrew Sims (AndrewS@mortdieu.demon.co.uk) %d 19951002 %i Panhandling Explained %e You can't have helped noticing that over the last few years, there has been a large increase in the number of professional beggars on the streets of the Western World. This is not the right place to go into the reasons behind this trend - what I am concerned with here is one of the associated phenomenon. Personal observation has shown that seven in eight of these beggars are accompanied by a thin, scraggly dog. The logic behind this is impeccable: the British (at least) are soft touches for animals, and are much more likely to give money to feed a starving dog than a human - thus the need for the skinny dogs. However, what has always puzzled me is this; these beggars are supposed to be starving, with almost no food, and even less money. How can they afford to keep a pet? Why don't they just eat the damn dog? I imagine that there's enough meat on a Great Dane to feed a good-sized family for a week or so. So after several months of careful research, I came to the only possible conclusion - the beggars do not eat the dogs _because the dogs are not the beggars' to eat_! I believe that, according to strict Keynesian laws of supply and demand, the has arisen a company which hires these dogs out to beggars each day. Every morning, the mendicants go to collect today's pooch from the Skinny Dog Agency, and go out on to the streets for the day, before returning it in the evening. The fee is, of course, a part of the beggar's (increased) take for the day. The dogs, meanwhile are treated like royalty, no doubt eating prime rump steak, and having the dishevelled look of their fur carefully maintained by teams of dedicated, loving, hairdressers. It has also been conjectured that the Skinny Dog Agency is branching out into other, associated, realms of business - is it merely coincidence that every class at school, every lecture at every University, and each and every Hall of Residence, has one total no-hoper (exactly one, you'll notice; never more, never less). You all know the type, the guy or girl who sits on the front row, asking dumb questions about things that are so obvious that everyone else instantly worked them out... I ask you - are they really as dumb as they look? Can anyone really _be_ that dumb? Are they, perhaps, highly-trained method actors, retained by the Universities to make even the dumbest of regular students feel a warm glow of superiority? So, the next time you pass a beggar in the street, Skinny Dog (TM) by his side, remember that no matter how hungry he gets, he won't be able to eat roast dog - so hand over a few coins, OK? %e *EOA* %t Unicorns, Reality Of %n 2S67 %s How To Find Your Basic Fantastic Beast %a Angela F. M. Pancella (pancella@sluvca.slu.edu) %d 19950223 %x Magic %e Hitchhikers may discover that many cultures have stories concerning a curious one-horned beast. This beast, called unicorn, monoceros, ki-rin, ki-lin, karkadann, etc., was often pictured with a dualistic nature -- the horn gave it great strength and yet the beast was gentle; it was very beautiful but impossible to tame. For European society on Earth, starting with the Age of Enlightment, the existence of unicorns was doubted. Before that, unicorns were an accepted fact based on their mention (later discovered to be a mistranslation) in the religious text known as the Bible. However, actual unicorn sightings were rare. There are several theories why unicorns are not seen. One is that they never actually existed as the fantastic creatures griffins, sphinxes, and phoenixes. Another theory is that the unicorns were never more than essences without corporeal presences. It is altogether possible, even probable, that unicorns can exist only in a non-rational environment. In which case, they can only exist where their existence is not appreciated. This means, if you want to see a unicorn, you can't want to. %e *EOA* %t Seize The Day %n 2S68 %s A Hitchhikers' Motto %a Jeff Kramer (lthumper@bga.com) %d 19950216 %i Carpe Diem %i Listlessness %e Remember back in school, when the teacher would hand out the final exam and you just wished you could be somewhere else? Anywhere else, even (I gasp at the thought) hitchhiking across the galaxy? Well now those days are here. Your cracking your way through casbahs, thumbing rides with people of questionable morals, and giving your towel a good workout, Galactic Guide in hand, to be sure. Well, what do you do when you just don't have the drive to peek over the next mountain top? To climb the next hill, to thumb the next ride? What do you do then? Well, you consult your handy Galactic Guide and look up the entry on Seizing the Day! (Also known as Carpe Diem, a saying popularized by many a tee shirt and sweatshirt on a college campus.) Well, here it is... what do you do when you just can't do it anymore? You do it anyway!!!! You prove those people who said that you couldn't hitchhike from Atlanta to Sri Lanka wrong! You throw your fears to the wind, clench your jaw, and run with it! OK, OK. Your saying, "But I _can't_ that's the problem...". Well, I say you can. I say you should, but not just for you... or for me, but for all beingkind! What would our world be like if we didn't have people who laughed in the face of danger, who said yes when everyone else said no, who made it their mission to prove everyone else wrong! We'd still be living in caves, beating each other over the head with clubs, and eating our meat raw! This galaxy needs a few brave souls who will dare to do what everyone else thought impossible. So buck up, lil' camper! Grab your towel, grab your Guide, grab 30 Altarian dollars a day, and hit the byways and skyways. To those people who tell you you're crazy, that you're nuts... that you haven't got a chance... tell them to go stick their head in a pig, and do it anyway! Now get out there and HITCHHIKE!!!!!! %e *EOA* %t Mail-Order Contest, American %n 6S2 %s Fact Or Fiction; Does Anyone Ever Win? %a Gerry Canavan (VSUD56B@prodigy.com) %d 19950225 %e "YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY TEN MILLION DOLLARS." We've all seen this. Every once in a while, you get a letter in the mail which says "You, Gerry Canavan (or whatever your name happens to be), are completely guaranteed to be the winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse (or Reader's Digest, or Sweepstakes Clearinghouse, or whatever the particular contest happens to be) contest and are completely guaranteed to receive TEN MILLION DOLLARS!" "Great!" you think to yourself. "I've won! I'm a winner!" But when you open the envelope you discover that they've sneakily written the words "If you return the winning entry." You've been fooled into opening a worthless piece of junk mail! But still, it MIGHT be possible. You MIGHT have won the ten million. It passes through your mind every time you get one; would they go to the trouble of actually PRINTING my name of the letter if I hadn't won? The often romanized image of Ed McManhon strolling up to your doorway carrying an oversize check -- could it ever happen? Is it real? Or is it an insidious plot to sell magazines? THE FACTS: 1) No one has actually knows a winner. Despite the fact that every one of these contests has a list of at least six previous winners, no one KNOWS one. Could this be true? Somebody in America MUST know one of the winners! 2) How much money do these magazine companies have? How can they give away 10 million dollars per prize? All they're doing is selling magazines. Is this that profitable, and if so, how come the guy down at the newsstand isn't giving away 10 million dollar prizes? 3) What's the tactical advantage of giving away 10 million dollars to sell a few magazines? Is the average American saying, "well, I normally wouldn't want to read this magazine, but since they're giving away millions of dollars, I think I'll go for it." Are we, as a nation, this stupid? 4) Has a contest ever actually ended? It appears that every time you get one of these letters, you've simply made it into "the next level of competition." I must be in the ten millionth level of competition by now. THE ANSWER: So what is the answer? The only evidence we have that they are real, legitimate, contests, is a quickee commercial right after the Super Bowl, in which *supposedly* they presented someone a woman with 10 million dollars. But can we trust a commercial? If we believe this one, do we believe that little beer cans are really running around during the Bud Bowl? The answer is a simple, two letter word beginning with 'n' and ending in 'o'. This article does not necessarily reflect the opinions of Project Galactic Guide. If you wish to sue somebody, please do not sue Project Galactic Guide. %e *EOA* * * End of file: SREAL03.NEW * Share and Enjoy! *