* * Archive: SREAL05.NEW * * Created on: Tue Aug 3 15:24:41 1999 * * Number of articles: 25 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to find * an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * 6S12-1 Fashion * 6S13-1 Carpet Weave, The Insanities Of * 9S1-1 Happy Hour, How To Fit In * 9S2-1 Atomic Bomb, Constructing An * 8S13-1 Elvis Impersonation * 8S14-1 Lemurs Versus Marmosets * 9S3-1 Reality Crossovers * 6S14-1 Subway System, New York City, New York, USA, Earth * 6S15-1 Universal Reduction Theory, The * 9S4-1 Cats, The Conspiracy Theory * 6S16-1 Stockport Grammar School, Stockport, UK, Earth * 12S1-1 Football * 12S2-1 Obscure Cities, The World Of The * 12S3-1 International Cut-Throat Corps Of Earth, The * 9S5-1 Topeka, Kansas, USA, Earth * MeteorStrike-2 Meteor Strike, Recommended Procedures In Case Of A * 8S16-1 Fishing, The Art Of * 9S6-1 Meditation * 8S17-1 Chocolate Milk * 9S7-1 Formula 1, The World Of * LincolnNB-3 Lincoln, Nebraska, USA, Earth * Trosa-3 Trosa, Sweden, Earth * BlackHoles-3 Black Holes, An Informational Manual * Linkoping-3 Linkoeping, Sweden, Earth * Oland-4 \"Oland, Sweden, Earth * %t Fashion %n 6S12 %s Definition Of Fashion %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19960609 %i Definitions: Fashion %e FASHION: A puzzling force, capable of altering minds to find things (such as clothes designs) completely normal at one point in time, where they would be considered completely ridiculous at any other point in time. %e *EOA* %t Carpet Weave, The Insanities Of %n 6S13 %s Yet Another Way To Avoid Going Mad %a Donald Wayne Moore II (dmoore1@mail.coin.missouri.edu) %d 19960529 %i Insanities Of Carpet Weave, The %x Carpets %x Sanity, The Problem Of %e The best thing to do with your carpet weave is to ignore it. Under _no_ circumstances should you ever, ever, ever try to get your carpet weave to all go the same direction. On ninety-five percent of all carpets in existence, this is impossible; the remaining five percent have an odd attraction about them that makes someone invariably walk on them just when you've finished. If you value your mental health at all, please, just ignore the damned weave. If you wish to contact me by e-mail, just send it to the address above, and it will be forwarded to the Institute Where We Keep The Knee-Biters Who Are Too Stupid To Ignore Their Carpet Weave, or TIWWKTKBWATSTITCW (pronounced took-tik-bwats-ti-chew). %e *EOA* %t Happy Hour, How To Fit In %n 9S1 %s Tips For Fitting Into The Happy Hour Crowd At A Typical American Bar %a Mike Rohde (MRohde6592@gnn.com) %d 19960730 %x The Unfortunate Life Of David Kilbourne %x Malaroon Star System %i Fitting In During Happy Hour %i Pubs, How To Fit In During Happy Hour At %i Bars, How To Fit In During Happy Hour At %i Taverns, How To Fit In During Happy Hour At %i Saloons, How To Fit In During Happy Hour At %i Nightclubs, How To Fit In During Happy Hour At %e After an unfortunate accident involving my new spaceship (a sleek-looking Mach II Hypership), four Malaroonian prostitutes, and a travel-sized tube of toothpaste, I was forced to spend several years trying to fit into the odd culture of the planet Earth. To be even more specific, I have lived the past two years in Newport News, Virginia, performing an act commonly known as bar-hopping. Bar-hopping is just as its name implies, moving from one Earth bar to another. These strange Earth bars, also known by the locals as pubs, taverns, saloons, nightclubs, and many more unusual names [1], have many customs that differ from the most popular interstellar drinking holes of their neighboring galaxies. Listed below are several explanations my research has come up with that will not only prepare you for the happy hour's many bizarre customs, but will help you to easily fit in with an elite human drinking club known as "The Regulars". First off, I will try to explain happy hour as best as I have been able to understand it. Happy hour is not really _happy_ and it is not really an _hour_. "What?" you say! But it is true! Happy hour usually lasts from around four o'clock until seven o'clock in local evening U.S. Earth times. Between these times, the alcoholic beverages served (very weak ones) can be purchased for less green paper than is required during un-happy hours, a simple fact that does seem to bring out a certain degree of happiness from the primitive Earthlings. Next, it is best that I explain the Regulars. They are usually a group of constantly complaining drunken people, but they seem to receive better treatment from the Bartender [2]. Being an alien, especially one that is not humanoid in appearance, it is a good idea to learn to fit in with the Regulars, before attempting to receive any actual service from the Bartender. A few easy tips to try while attempting to fit in with the Regulars: 1) Any sexual harassment of the female species present within the bar seems to be highly regarded. 2) Buy a round of drinks. 3) Share stories of made-up sexual encounters about any female species present within the bar. 4) Buy another round of drinks. 5) Repeat steps 1 through 5. Other Strange Rituals Of Note ============================= During the happy hour, Earthlings may appear from a secret back room bearing free food. This may be an attempt to appease the mean spirited human known as the Bartender, who is obviously in charge of the Regulars. The food is usually cold and tasteless, but as the Regulars can be heard to say, "it's free". When a Regular is "Cut Off" [3] by the Bartender, a good show will usually follow. As far as I can determine the term "Cut Off" may mean one of two things; a) The human has consumed enough alcohol as to become socially undesirable; or b) The human has run out of his allotted supply of green paper. Whichever the case may be, the "Cut Off" human will soon be escorted out of the drinking establishment. The amount of resistance the human puts up during this time period, usually determines the event's possible entertainment value. It may take up to a dozen human escorts to remove the single "Cut Off" human. This is a very rare occurrence, but one that should be seen first hand to be appreciated. If you stay long past happy hour you may hear the ritual known as Last Call [4]. This seems to involve the turning on bright lights, a lot of angry humans yelling, and then someone ripping your newly ordered drink from your hand. You will then be told to leave. A commonly heard human phrase at this time is: "Tomorrow's another day." Well, this is all the information I have managed to gather on this subject. I hope this my be of some help to fellow hitchhikers. I do plan on returning to Earth soon. Happy hour is something I feel needs a great deal more research to fully understand and take part in. [1] Why Earthlings can't decide on a single name for these places further points out the unnecessary complexities created by such a simple minded life form. [2] The Bartender is an important human who distributes alcoholic beverages in exchange for the pieces of green paper. A very important human, and possibly a form of Earth Royalty. [3] The term "Cut Off" seems to apply mainly to American bars and should not be confused with the use of telephones, light switches, or even as a tragically bad name for a rock and roll band. I have witnessed many a well traveled hitchhiker lose their towel from a misunderstanding created by the slippery English language. Simply put, in America, if you are told you have been cut off, it is best to leave that place immediately. Do not even look back. [4] Also known as "Last Orders". %e *EOA* %t Atomic Bomb, Constructing An %n 9S2 %s Nukes Made Easy %a Mike Schmitt (schmitt@vbe.com) %d 19961124 %x Thermonuclear Devices For The Weekend Anarchist %i Nuclear Weapons, Constructing %i Constructing Nuclear Weapons %i Bomb, Atomic, Constructing %e Taken from December 1996's Feature "Homemade Science" Article: Worldwide controversy has been generated recently from several court decisions in the United States which have restricted popular magazines from printing articles which describe how to make an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the courts is that national security would be compromised if such information were generally available. But, since it is commonly known that all of the information is publicly available in most major metropolitan libraries, obviously the court's officially stated position is covering up a more important factor: namely, that such atomic devices would prove too difficult for the average citizen to construct [1]. The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a result of widespread misinformation can, and must, be cleared up now, for the construction project this month is the construction of a thermonuclear device, which will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might have about such a project. We will see how easy it is to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps, to have and hold as you see fit, without annoying interference from the government or the courts. The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000 American dollars, depending on how fancy you want the final product to be. Since last month's column, "Let's Make a Time Machine", was received so well in the new step-by-step format, this month's column will follow the same format. Construction ============ 1) First, obtain about 50 pounds (110 kg) of weapons grade Plutonium at your local supplier [2]. A nuclear power plant is not recommended, as large quantities of missing Plutonium tends to make plant engineers unhappy. We suggest that you contact your local terrorist organization, or perhaps the Junior Achievement in your neighborhood. 2) Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure, refined Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous. Wash your hands with soap and warm water after handling the material, and don't allow your children or pets to play in it or eat it. Any left over Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellant. You may wish to keep the substance in a lead box if you can find one in your local junk yard, but an old coffee can will do nicely. 3) Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the device. Most common varieties of sheet metal can be bent to disguise this enclosure as, for example, a briefcase; a lunch pail; or a Buick. Do not use tinfoil. 4) Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispherical shapes, separated by about 4 cm. Use rubber cement to hold the Plutonium dust together. 5) Now get about 100 pounds (220 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT). Gelignite is much better, but messier to work with. Your helpful hardware man will be happy to provide you with this item [3]. 6) Pack the TNT around the hemisphere arrangement constructed in step 4. If you cannot find Gelignite, fell free to use TNT packed in with "Play-Dough" or any modelling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but there is no need to get fancy at this point. 7) Enclose the structure from step 6 into the enclosure made in step 3. Use a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue" to bind the hemisphere arrangement against the enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might result from vibration or mishandling. 8) To detonate the device, obtain a radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism, as found in RC model airplanes and cars. With a modicum of effort, a remote plunger can be made that will strike a detonator cap to effect a small explosion. These detonator caps can be found in the electrical supply section of your local supermarket. We recommend the "Blast-O-Mactic" brand because they are "no deposit, no return". 9) Now hide the completed device from the neighbors and children. The garage is not recommended because of high humidity and the extreme range of temperatures experienced there. Nuclear devices have been known to spontaneously detonate in these unstable conditions, causing nearby cities to become quite upset with the radiation blowing in their direction. The hall closet or under the kitchen sink will be perfectly suitable. 10) Now you are the proud owner of a working thermonuclear device! It is a great ice-breaker at parties, and in a pinch, can be used for national defence. Theory Of Operation =================== The device basically works when the detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium into a critical mass. The critical mass then produces a nuclear chain reaction similar to the domino chain reaction [4]. The chain reaction then promptly produces a big thermonuclear reaction. And there you have it, a 10 megaton explosion! Next Month's Column =================== In next month's column, we will learn how to clone your neighbor's wife in six easy steps. This project promises to be an exciting weekend full of fun and profit. Common kitchen utensils will be all you need. See you next month! Previous Month's Columns ======================== 1) Let's Make Test Tube Babies! May, 1996 2) Let's Make a Solar System! June, 1996 3) Let's Make a Economic Recession! July, 1996 4) Let's Make an Anti-Gravity Machine! August, 1996 5) Let's Make Contact with an Alien Race! September, 1996 [1] The United States courts cannot afford to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they do not have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus the "official" press releases claim national security as a blanket restriction. [2] Plutonium (PU), atomic number 94, is a radioactive metallic element formed by the decay of Neptunium and is similar in chemical structure to Uranium, Saturium, Jupiternium, and Marsium. [3] If for some reason your supplier refuses to provide, or is unable to, you can always order factory direct from the Pentagon, assuming you've been a government employee for at least six months. [4] Discussed in this column, "Dominos on the March", March, 1968. %e *EOA* %t Elvis Impersonation %n 8S13 %s Contagious Blue Suede Shoes %a Mike Schmitt (schmitt@vbe.com) %d 19961027 %i Impersonating Elvis Presley %i Presley, Impersonating Elvis %x Bradford, England, UK, Earth (Part 2) * actually, the Bradf. article should have a link to this one... * actually, that goes for all the others as well. %x Chess %x Opinions On UFOs %x Quantum Leaping %e Elvis Aaron Presley was one of the world's greatest musical performers. He has earned such nicknames as The King of Rock and Roll, and holds the record for the greatest number of albums sold by a single artist. He was a great man, a great husband, and a great father. Nobody loved him more than his wife Priscilla and his daughter Lisa Marie. But then one day, the music became too boring for The King. And since punk was yet to be invented, he didn't have much to work up to. So to fill his extra time, Elvis joined the Memphis Police Department in the narcotics division under the codename "Ruby Tuesday". His days as a narcotics detective were inspiration for at least two songs: "Ruby Tuesday" by Melanie (later redone by The Rolling Stones) and "Elvis Was A Narc" by Pinkard and Bowden. The words of the chorus go as follows: "Elvis was a narc, in the rhinestones after dark. He did his best to keep Memphis drug-free. He knew every pill he'd eat, would be one less on the street. Elvis took them all for you and me." That's exactly how it was, too. The King constantly became heavier and more drowsy due to all the pills and drugs his bloodstream had to endure. So, on the night before his death, he met with Dr. Edward Donell. Donell was a genetic biologist, specializing in cloning and other DNA-related things. To carry on his musical talent, Elvis had the doctor take a sample of his DNA to keep in a tube for someone else to use someday, letting the legend live on. Supposedly, that night, Presley was found in Graceland, dead and bloated on the toilet of his mansion. The police dragged him out, and there was a grand burial service which was witnessed by millions of people. So, that would prove he was really deceased, no? [1] Donell went to the lab, ready to spread the formula to one lucky volunteer, a Mr. Donald Spanz of Boise, Idaho. But Donell sneezed, and the tube went shattering to the floor. A breeze came and blew the vapors out the window. Donell was horrified: his greatest achievement ruined! It was not completely ruined, though. The vapor spread into the main part of Memphis. It seems that rather than a formula, Donell had in actuality created a virus, Memphi Bacilli. A few citizens who were exposed and not immune soon began dressing funny and signing popular music. The virus spread, and is still spreading today. Thousands worldwide, male, female, dog, suffer from the Blue Suede Contagion. Some have taken their ailment and used it in their advantage, performing at parties and (gasp) weddings. And so Elvis had his last wish fulfilled; his spirit lived on. [3] The Two Cures ============= Yes, after many years of research, scientists have actually found two cures. And they are: 1) Realization: If the victim is in the beginning stages of the contagion, they can often be saved by repeating to them the phrase: "That outfit is so stupid... and you can't sing!" Sometimes this will not work. Then there is nothing that can be done about it except for option two. 2) Eradification: To remove the virus from the body, you must use a plastic spork to puncture their heart to let out the "bad blood". Within a half hour, you will never hear "Heartbreak Hotel" again, except perhaps in your nightmares. What To Do If You See Elvis =========================== Often times, people will claim to have seen Elvis. If this happens to you, simply assume these people suffer from the BS Contagion and rush them immediately to a specialist. The leading specialist currently is a Dr. Jack Kevorkian. [1] Some people believe that wasn't really Elvis in the tomb. Well, that's true. Elvis really died from committing suicide. [2] [2] Hey, wouldn't you if your daughter married Michael Jackson? [3] So did his cash flow. Do you have any idea how many millions of dollars Lisa Marie has that she never earned? %e *EOA* %t Lemurs Versus Marmosets %n 8S14 %s Lemurs Ain't Lamers %a Mike Schmitt (schmitt@vbe.com) %d 19961003 %i Alt.Fan.Lemurs %e A lemur is a primate similar to (but not to be confused with) a monkey. They are native to the Philippines, Madagascar, and fictional planets like Nova. They eat up to four times their own weight in nuts and berries (which of course has its consequences). Although randy as a jackrabbit, the lemur makes an excellent pet for children or a companion for the elderly. They travel well, and are pleasant and courteous to others. As trivia, it may be noted that lemurs are one of the few animals not used as a corporate symbol or pro-sports team mascot, despite the obvious connection. The topic of the ring-tailed lemur (Lemur Catta) and the marmoset (Callithrix Jacchus) has been a debate for many years amongst scientists worldwide. I, Dr. Gavin Schmitt, DDS, have headed "Project L.E.M.U.R." [1] for over eight years trying to prove lemurs' superiority over marmosets both genetically and philosophically, possibly intellectually, and certainly stereotypically. For the readers of Project Galactic Guide, we have included brief snippets of our vast knowledge and findings. From the moment man came across the marmoset, he was already prejudiced beyond repair. Edward Seethington, the painter who first discovered the marmoset, had named the disgusting little furball after one of his least favorite foods: orange marmalade. Now, everybody knows marmosets are not only more of a kiwi color than orange, they taste more like strawberry jam than the aforementioned spread as well. In addition, the classifiers went so far as to give marmosets the species "jacchus", the Latin word for Jackass. Can we not laugh at the dumb creature's misfortune? On the Internet, World Wide Web, newsgroups, IRC, etc. the lemur is a cherished animal blessed with songs and pictures that are submitted daily to the Alt.Fan.Lemurs newsgroup. A few verses from "I Wish I Gnu a Lemur" [2] have been included and analyzed for further proof: I wish I Gnu a Lemur, one that said "Ptang" and "Frink!" He would titillate my femur when given Big-K to drink. Ptang and frink are the common sounds made by a lemur, and Big-K is the primate's usual drink. Therefore we can deduce this person simply wants a lemur particularly attracted to human legbones. I wish I Gnu a Lemur, That I could pet right now, I'd feed it up on Hand Grenades, And Throw it at a Cow. This pet owner is more violent in nature, utilizing the lemur's ability to digest just about anything. Sadly, the lemur has gone to waste. I wish I Gnu a Lemur, That liked to cook spaghetti, He would scrub and shine the pots and pans, And quote Lawrence Ferlinghetti. Yet another irate pet owner. Wishing to keep a lemur as a slave, making his meals and doing his dishes. What a terrible way to use a lemur so very gifted (able to read, speak, and even quote!) I wish I Gnu a Lemur One with a big vacuum... Cause then when I lock him up, He'll be forced to clean my room. I believe this to be the same pet owner, further torturing this creature. I wish I Gnu a Lemur A big ol' ring tailed stinker Cause then he'd be a great thinker And we'd eat all the Twinkies A friendly and kind keeper. Feeding it Twinkies and respecting its brain power. Lemurs... this is your man. Is there an Alt.Fan.Marmosets newsgroup? No, my friend, there is _not_. Is there a song dedicated to a marmoset? No, and I doubt there ever will be. The marmosets' presence on the Web is almost solely concentrated on a Web Page entitled "Madland" where the poor creature is the punchline and proverbial butt to many tasteless (and downright _bad_) jokes. The man in charge of this shrine? Matthew "Madman" Vanderloop, an obvious mental case. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy _was_ a marmoset. Television Influences ===================== The "Project L.E.M.U.R." staff has found hundreds of shows depicting lemurs in unique or humorous ways. Unfortunately, due to stiff government regulations, copyright laws and security flaws, we were only allowed to let the general public be aware of two. The more prominent one I'm sure you've all seen is the Science Fiction Channel's "Mystery Science Theater 3000", affectionately known as MST3K. Can any of you Misties (fans of the show) out there forget Joey the Lemur, the world's greatest and most outspoken lemur puppet? I think not. He had a song written about him, which I've included a partial piece of: It's Joey the Lemur, the friend to mankind, Our furry sort of monkey friend who really does shine. Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere. Joey the Lemur, what kind of heck of animal is he anyway? Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the bathroom anywhere. L is for lemur! E is for eat! M is for monkey! U is for unusual! And unpredictable! R is for radical! And rambunctious! Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur... friend to all mankind! Isn't that incredible poet-work? All this for a piece of cloth. Well, a piece of cloth we all wish we owned, but still. To further the episode, the crew of the Satellite of Love do not hesitate to greatly express their disappointment of the film: "There are no lemurs in this movie! Aaaaaah!" The other television influence we wish to share? Why, it's none other than an episode of "America's Most Dysfunctional Cartoon Family", the Simpsons. Lisa is explaining to Maggie that there are more than farm animals in the world by using flashcards. "Zebu, Maggie. Zee... Boo..." But the zebu is not this project's concern. The next card shows another example of primates in the media. "Look, lemur. Maggie, say leeeee-mur." I want some of those flashcards. No one denies the cute-a-bility factor when it comes to ring-tailed lemurs. Those big bushy tails are so superb, whereas marmosets feature some weird kind of hairy ear growth no one can identity. Heck, the lemur is practically the illegitimate bastard child of a chimpanzee and a drunken raccoon. So the world's silliest primate combined with the world's best ring-tailed bandit should produce the world's silliest ring-tailed monkey bandit. Is that not the perfect description of a lemur? Using these guidelines, a marmoset should be the offspring of a smelly baboon and some small fuzzy caterpillar. One of those brown ones you see in parks. The say-all, end-all of it all is this: how do they hold up in the lab? What a fine question! We once conducted an experiment involving the mathematical abilities of the two primates [3]. Both were given a fairly hard trigonometry exam by Mrs. Hillestad. Both failed, but the Larry's score was far ahead of Morton's poor attempt. Larry being the lemur. Next, we gave them the test again, this time with Texas Instruments TI-85 graphing calculators. Larry did a whole eight percent better than Morton! This is the final piece of information you should need to be convinced that lemurs are indeed superior to marmosets. [1] Let Every Marmoset Undergo Radiation. A division of PRIMATE-O [4]. [2] Each verse was contributed by a separate person, so the authorship cannot be fully credited. [3] The specimens were randomly drawn and given identical food, rooms, and treatment. Neither had ever finished grade school. [4] Professors, Really Insane, Making Animals Torture Each-Other. %e *EOA* %t Reality Crossovers %n 9S3 %s Deja Vu %a Stephen Patterson (s.r.patterson@herts.ac.uk) %d 19961120 %x Imperium, The %x Murphic Field In Daily Life, The %x Magic %i Crossovers In Reality %e Have you ever read anything, and thought, "Hey, just hang on a minute, I've already read this"? Have you ever read anything, and thought, "Hey, just a fragging minute, I've already read this"? If you have, then you may have fallen victim to a reality crossover [1]. The idea behind a reality crossover is simple: in writing any work of fiction, the author creates a new reality specifically to host the events which unfold throughout the book. When a reality crossover occurs, ideas, phrases or events from one reality "cross over" to another. One incident that comes to mind is the famous "Titanic-Iceberg" accident, which was predicted by several authors. Curiously, one of these authors actually became a victim of the accident. Another instance is the word "Caladan", in Frank Herbert's Dune, which has morphed itself into, among other things, "Caliban", the title of an Isaac Asimov novel, and "Taleban", a current Middle-East warring faction. One reality crossover that can be witnessed every day is the selection of headlines in the tabloid press, including such classics as "Rock Star Ate My Hamster", and other items which bear no relevance to actuality, which have, however, been imported from other realities which are seemingly full of trivial news items. Reality crossovers can also be explained from chaos theory, which can be simplified to the statement that "everything affects everything else," however, in accordance with Murphy's law, the nature of the effects cannot be predicted prior to them occurring. [1] Though it is also possible that you have already heard it. %e *EOA* %t Subway System, New York City, New York, USA, Earth %n 6S14 %s Train Travel In New York %a Jim Ellwanger (not available on internet) * Formerly (trainman@nwu.edu) %d 19960126 %x New York City, New York, USA, Earth %x How To Avoid Being Mugged In New York %x Public Address Systems %k London Underground %e Not to be confused with the "subway" you may find in some Earth cities located in England -- namely, a dank pit dug under a street -- the subway in New York is a dank pit dug under a street that has trains running through it [1,2]. The purpose of these trains is to move people from a certain location within the city to another location within the city, even though that particular location may not necessarily be the location to which they wanted to travel. This is because the subway system was not all created at once, but rather was built slowly over a period of 92 years, by at least fifty-six completely different designers. This results in some comical situations, such as when trains arrive at the portion of the system where someone thought it would be neat if the subway tunnel was the size of a small rodent. If you would like to take a ride on the New York subway, first locate a staircase that leads down underneath a New York street [3]. Eventually, you will find yourself in a strange new world, full of metal fences and tile walls. Located somewhere in here is a small structure with a creature inside. This creature is a female of the species commonly known as "token booth attendant." You will need one dollar and fifty cents in American money. Put it in the slot located just underneath the token booth attendant; this distracts the token booth attendant enough so that you can grab a token booth attendant egg (in the form of a shiny metallic disc, commonly known as a "token") from the same slot. Pause a minute to note the unique markings of the token booth attendant egg -- they almost seem to spell out the English words "GOOD FOR ONE FARE"! Take the egg over to one of the nests of the male token booth attendant (commonly known as a "turn stile"; they tend to nest together in groups of six or seven), and deposit it in the slot on top (the ovireceptor). The male token booth attendant will relax his arm, allowing you to push through it. You will have helped continue the token booth attendant species. You will then be directed to a specific place to wait for a train by overhead signs. The trains are named after various letters and numbers; to figure out which train to take, just use the train whose letter or number matches the first letter or number of the street or neighborhood or building you are trying to get to. For example, if you are trying to get to an address on West 4th Street, take the "4" train; if you are trying to get to Greenwich Village, take the "G" train; if you are trying to get to Penn Station, take the "P" train, which doesn't exist, which means there is no way to get to Penn Station on the subway, at least as far as I can tell. There are some bizarre variations in which train stops where. For example, "local" trains stop at every station, "express" trains stop only at "express" stations, "trains with broken brakes" never stop, "rush hour" trains end up on a completely different track than the "midday" train that used the same platform until about 3 minutes ago, which means you're going to end up in Queens instead of Manhattan, especially since people are packed into this train so full that you can't get to the door, much less inhale successfully. At certain times on the train, you will hear an announcement coming from the public-address system. Here is a translation guide to the most common phrases: * Graggggggaaacrssssppp: please do not lean against the doors. * Brxxxxxxugrrrrrr: there is going to be a slight delay. * Crxsssssgggggscrtchscrtch: there is going to be a major delay. * Rgglrgglspmmmmgrppll: this train is going out of service. While on board the train, in between trying to decipher these announcements, you can peruse the reading material helpfully provided for you. This is mainly in the form of various letters etched into the windows by New Yorkers commemorating historical anniversaries and the like [4]. There is reportedly a large piece of paper available that explains all of this in much greater detail; however, the existence of the "subway map" is generally considered to be an urban legend [5]. Once you end up back on the street again -- if you end up back on the street again -- after your subway ride, you may find the landscape like nothing you have ever seen in any solar system. Do not worry; this is completely normal. Merely turn around quickly and repeat the subway-riding process, this time exiting at a different station. [1] For some reason, in some locations in New York, the subway is elevated above the street, but still called the subway. [2] In London the subway style train system is called the "Underground" even though some of it too is above ground level. There is a diagrammatic map of the underground with each line represented by a different colour. Trains stop at all stations on that line until they terminate and turn around. Fares differ depending on which zones you cross. [3] In Times Square, some of these staircases may lead to what are commonly known as "XXX-rated movie theaters." These are a good simulation of what riding the subway is like, without any of the danger. [4] Until about fifteen years ago, the common mode of expression was to spray paint the letters onto the walls of the train; the change in medium is just another example of the constant variety that marks life in New York. [5] Tired of being asked for these nonexistent "subway maps", the information booth at Grand Central Terminal posts a sign that says "Temporarily out of subway maps" at all times. %e *EOA* %t Universal Reduction Theory, The %n 6S15 %s The Real Reason Socks Disappear %a Matt Baier (geiiga42@aol.com) %d 19960116 %i Reduction Theory, Universal %i Theory Of Reduction, Universal %x Tunneling Theory Of Sock Disappearance %e The Theory ========== This article is being written to answer the increasingly vexing questions plaguing mankind, such as, "What happened to that other sock?" or "Why'd the network cancel that show?" The answer, plainly and simply, is the Universal Reduction Theory. The theory states that matter is temporary, and what the matter is used for is directly attributable to the lifespan of the material. When the lifespan of an object is up, it disappears. For instance, a left sock has an average lifespan of about two weeks, while a right sock can continue to exist for up to thirty. But by far the biggest question plaguing the Universal Reduction Theory is what is causing the reduction of the universe. There are two possibilities: a) It could be some kind of deity [1], or b) it could be the nature of the universe itself. Another thing that seems odd is that the lifespan of any given object is inversely proportional to the amount of happiness the owner feels about having it. For instance, the lifespan of a nice watch, in my case, seems to be about two weeks. But, I've been told that a fruitcake can be stored in a sauna for one hundred years with no ill effects. Also, the size of an object seems to be related to how easily it disappears. A watch screw will blink out of existence long before a car does. This would seem to support the universe's nature argument, as any deity would give each object equal consideration, but if it happens naturally, it would be like a river pulling either a pebble or a mountain downstream. This also disproves the infinite universe bit. If the universe were infinite, then a car would disappear more often, as a result of the added strength of its forces. Origin Of Theories ================== I came up with this theory at about two-thirty one morning. I walked into my room, lo and behold, my mattress had fallen prey to the theory I was about to formulate. It was not the first piece of my property, of course, to be missing by these laws. I have lost thousands of socks, several CDs, and half of a yo-yo (there are more, but these are the only ones I can think of). With this great mystery of life solved, the world must now owe me a tremendous debt. I am willing to accept any form of currency as a result of my breakthrough theory. By the way, my mattress had just been moved into another room for no very good reason. [1] See _The Hitchhiker's Trilogy_ by Douglas Adams for information on deities, not to be confused with diets which are something else entirely. %e *EOA* %t Cats, The Conspiracy Theory %n 9S4 %s Why Cats Will Bring The Downfall Of Mankind %a James Crook (james.crook@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19970127 %i Conspiracy Of Cats %i Feline Consiracy, The %e There comes a point in any cat owner's life where he or she simply wonders what cats do all day. Nobody really knows what cats do in private while the owners are out at work or shopping. But finally, after a long study by a colleague of mine, who risked his life by posing as a cat, I can reveal the horrible truth: cats are here to destroy the human race! Yes, you may laugh at this seemingly wild and unsubstantiated theory, but I have proof. To begin with, cats are experts in the field of human eradication. They are responsible for hundreds of thousands of traffic accidents a year. A seemingly innocent cat will sit at the side of a busy road, waiting for a large number of cars coming from both directions. At the point where both sets of cars are about to pass each other, the fiendish cat will run out in front of the first lane of traffic, fix the driver with a stare and cause the unfortunate victim to loose control of the car. Then, the cat quickly proceeds to the other lane of traffic where the process is repeated for another unsuspecting driver. If the cat has planned the crossing to perfection, it can cause pile-ups of up to eight or nine cars. Of course, the cat then walks on and leaves the scene of the crime as quickly as it crosses the road. Most of the time the only damage that is done is on the cars, and not the drivers, but this is just as useful to the cats, as it causes confusion, panic, and the slow downfall of insurance companies [1]. For obvious reasons, cats prefer icy conditions to execute this method of eradication. Another method to force the human race into extinction, is to drive their owners insane. This is far more effective than the car accidents, but it takes longer to implement. Cats drive their owners slowly insane in a number of ways: 1) Digging holes in their owners garden; 2) Eating their food and then simply regurgitating it on the bed/doormat/sofa/kitchen floor [2]; 3) Scratching holes in the carpet/sofa/bed; 4) Waking their owners up at various times in the small hours by sitting on them and breathing down their necks; and 5) Singing very loudly and out of tune on fences outside bedroom windows. The last point in the list is not only to annoy humans, but at the same time communicate with each other, and with their home planet. There is a solution however: dogs! Dogs despise cats, and although dogs may turn out to be from another planet trying to take over the world [3], they are very stupid. They will chase cats because they feel threatened by their presence. Dogs are _not_ a threat to human life at the moment; they do not have the brain power to cope with human eradication. Take heed as to what I have said, and think on your feet the next time a cat rubs up against your legs! [1] A secondary objective to their cause. [2] Note that one of the definitions of "cat" in the dictionary is, in fact, "vomit". [3] I am researching that possibility. %e *EOA* %t Stockport Grammar School, Stockport, UK, Earth %n 6S16 %s An Example Of A British Educational Establishment %a Stuart Bruce (stuart@atomiser.demon.co.uk) %d 19970219 %x London, England, UK, Earth %e Stockport Grammar School is an educational establishment somewhere in the middle of the islands called Britain, founded in 1487 by a cattle-rustler from London Town (not to be confused with London City, which is the same place -- London City is 500 years older and smells much the same) named Edmund Shaa, who insisted it be established in memory of his Fader, Moder and Childrenne. It was originally thought that this poor illiterate sheep-chaser had been referring to his family, but it is now realised that he was the Nostradamus of Unpopular Kitchen Appliances. The school has changed location many times since it began, partly for educational reasons and partly to accomodate increasing numbers of pupils, but mainly to accomodate the increasing _size_ of the pupils, as was the fashion in respectable late nineteenth and early twentieth century households. As late as 1911, a Chemistry practical lesson managed to conclusively prove that a Third Year named Barnsley "Barnhouse" Botchley -- Biggins had such an immense mass that he was generating his own gravitational field. Botchley-Biggins was nearly expelled in 1912 when it was alleged that he had used this gravitational field to an unfair advantage in a soccer match, but when it was later discovered that he had tied the ball to his foot with a piece of string, he got off lightly with a beating and public humiliation. The school did not become co-educational until as late as the 1970s. Initially this caused a great deal of disorientation amongst the older schoolmasters, who for several years afterwards continued to beat all women out of the school premises with large sticks. Certain measures were taken to help accomodate pupils of the alternative gender, including the building of Home Economics classrooms, where the boys can still hide today if the girls are being too dangerous at hockey. Sport is strongly encouraged in the school, with the systematic weekly humiliation by older, bigger and stronger people forming a key part of each pupil's education. Whilst the school is proud of its histories in rugby, cricket and lacrosse, and has a remarkable display of large padding, even larger protective clothing and extremely large plastercasts to prove it, "alternative" sports are widely available, and previously unathletic new pupils may quickly find themselves excelling in unexpected fields, such as basketball, volleyball, tennis, or hiding from scary P.E. teachers. The school is also proud of its academic record, with many of its pupils achieving high grades in externally moderated exams and tests, such as A-levels, GCSEs, and Grade 3 Xylophone Theory. Very few pupils have been confirmed as dying of stress-related mental disorders and the majority of school attendees have found the examinations room by the end of their time in the school. Anyone wishing to know more about the school is advised to volunteer as an Open Day Guinea-Pig. The Open Day Studies are subtle and carefully planned scientific experiments, during which selected pupils at the school are exposed to human beings from the real world, in order to see how the pupils react and cope with such unpredictable stimuli. Many of the pupils fare well, often merely losing the power of speech and forgetting their way around familiar surroundings. Some are not so lucky, however, and when faced with difficult questionning ("what do you like about this school?" or "what kind of thing do you learn?") have been known to faint, suffocate, shrink to half their original height, or, in some extreme cases, explode. Interstellar visitors to the establishment should note that a Visitor's Badge system operates on the premises. In order to counter an increasing occurrence of theft from school property, all visitors should report to the Main Office, where they are issued with a numbered Visitor's Badge; all pupils are under strict instruction that anyone seen wearing neither school uniform nor Visitor's Badge should be shot on sight, and asked searching questions later. Unless they look like a groundsman. Or a parent. Or an obscure Economics teacher. Or they just look friendly. Or if there's more than two of them, in which case the teachers are too scared to approach them anyway. Visitors time-travelling to before 1995 will require a large yellow plastic block with the number "5" engraved on it in black, that should rattle in an embarrassing manner and be audible from 300 yards. Visitors to the school 1996-2005 will require small shiny bendy red plastic, providing it is illegible from 3 yards. Visitors from Autumn Term 2005 onwards are advised to wear heavy protective clothing because they will just be shot at. Visitors will not be required to bring their own food, since the amicable dinner ladies are happy to serve anyone, although those not in school uniform should use the teachers' food area and sit amongst other teachers. If this persona does not suit you, you could alternatively imitate either German exchange visitors (sitting alone in the corner because everybody's too embarrassed to speak to you) or History teachers (repeatedly sitting as near to attractive Fifth Form girls as possible in a blatantly dodgy way). If the Dining Hall atmosphere is completely against your liking, eat a First Year. If your appetite is low and you can't manage a whole one, gain favour by sharing the carcass around the Staff Common Room. Stockport Grammar School provides an entertaining visit for the life-weary or easily-amused traveller, especially during lunchtimes when rampant Music teachers are allowed to dictate the moment of every pupil, and throughout the day in the Sixth Form Common Rooms, where bruised and battered young adults compare wounds and provide profound insight into the meanings of pain. Recommended. %e *EOA* %t Football %n 12S1 %s A Game Without Logic %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19970217 %i Soccer On TV %x Football, Association %x Earth %x Rules Of Car Chasing %e Football is a strange Terran game with a number of people, dressed in two different kinds of shirts, who run around on a green field trying to kick and head-butt a defenceless round object. Half of them become very happy when they've managed to deposit the object into one of the two very drafty storage places, at the head and foot of the field. Two oddly dressed people frantically try to prevent this storage by using brightly coloured devices to increase their hand-size manifold, to scare the cleaners off. One person has been hired to make music. This man is very popular, as a tremendous crowd has come to listen to him especially, judging by the noise they make just before and after his short performances, and by how they all sing along with him. From out of nowhere an excited voice interrupts this musical extravaganza continuously. Especially during storage the voice loudly drowns out the music maker, shouting "gooooooaaaaaaaal!!!", so that is what we will call storage from now on. Actually, the happy half of the players at this moment take their time to dance to the music. It has proved impossible to find any logic to the game, as no rules seem to exist. The game sometimes lasts for seconds, and sometimes for hours. People who were first at one side of the field, suddenly pop up somewhere completely different, without seeming to be bothered about it at all. This presumably takes a lot of training. Object touching changes in a similar fashion. Strangely enough, every match, regardless of its length, seems to have the same average amount of gooooooaaaaaaaals. Many of them look remarkably similar, and take place in sequence. Whenever such a sequence takes place, time is distorted, which seems to put the players off so much that they repeat their mistakes again and again. Time distortion therefore must affect the memory. Averaged over the time of the match, the number of participants rolling around on the field clutching their ankles increases when the match is shorter, as do the number of yellow and red pictures the music man shows, although it is never possible to distinguish what is on those pictures. This football is a very popular activity, as we have deduced from the time it covers on Earth broadcasts; even more popular than chasing cars and sex! (But not as popular as continuously making one anothers lives miserable in the settings of house interiors, dressed in fancy clothes, and sipping coloured water). Do not mistake this game for another game called Football. This game is just as illogical as the one I mentioned before, but it isn't _exactly_ the same; for instance, only deformed people with wild growths on their shoulders and fancy hats play it, and they need a grid on the field to find their way about. %e *EOA* %t Obscure Cities, The World Of The %n 12S2 %s A Parallel World Of Architectural Splendour %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19970212 %x Earth %x Art %i Schuiten And Peeters' Art %i Peeters And Schuiten's Art %i Comic Book Project By Belgian Artists Schuiten And Peeters %e Some artists have a better perception of how amazing and wonderful our perfectly normal world is. Some artists have a perception that goes beyond that, and some are even willing to share it with the world. Two Belgian authors, Francois Schuiten and Benoit Peeters, have published a series of illustrated works, adult comic books, that have taught me that our everyday Earth is connected to a parallel world. The authors' close connection to the world of the obscure cities, combined with their talent to excellently portray what they have observed, have given us a splendid account of some of the more important cities of that world. The cities, which are absolutely marvellous in their architecture, seem to be the foci of power in that existence. The books have a peculiar atmosphere; in its strangeness it cannot be anything else than extremely close to how it's really like there. It may be that the estranging feeling you get from reading the books is because there is so much familiarity about the place, while it is clearly not like our world [1]. Actually, it appears that almost all of the Obscure Cities have a counterpart in our world. Brussels-Brusel (Belgium) is probably the most important duo; here the two worlds approach each other so close that a disastrous fusion of the dimensions is dangerously near. There have been several occasions of people finding entrances to this other world, but nowadays these passages are unknown or kept secret by the authorities. These repressively discourage contact, either so as not to disrupt some cosmic balance, or for other more obscure reasons. One of the entrances is said to be underneath the Palace of Justice in Brussels as, from above, can be expected, and another one on the plateau of Aubrac [2]. Whether and where more entrances exist is not certain, but efforts are being made to discover them. One example comes from Joseph Le Perdriel, who gives a splendid account of his research in Groningen, the Netherlands, on his web pages [3]. You too can learn about the Obscure Cities by reading the following books: * _The Walls of Samaris_ (1983) * _The Fever of Urbicande_ (1985) * _The Archivist_ (1987) * _The Tower_ (1987) * _The Road to Armilia_ (1988) * _Encyclopedia of Transport by Alex Wappendorf_ (1988) * _The Museum of A.Desombres_ (1990) * _Brusel_ (1992) * _The Echo of Cities_ (1993) * _The Leaning Child_ (1996) * _Guide to the Obscure Cities_ (1996) [4] Also you might want to visit the author's web site http://www.urbicande.be/, if you know how to read French. [1] The best way to achieve strangeness is to give something very familiar a slight twist. [2] Read _The Leaning Child_. [3] http://www.xs4all.nl/~eilko/perdriel/ [4] I have no idea whether these books have been translated in English. They certainly exist in French and Dutch. %e *EOA* %t International Cut-Throat Corps Of Earth, The %n 12S3 %s Poised To Take Over A Planet %a Kris Lee Newton (newton@northcoast.com) %d 19970315 %x Earth %i Boy Scouts, Earth %k Conspiracy %k Military %e Introduction ============ Visitors to the planet Earth are encouraged to avoid the International Cut-throat Corps, known to locals as "The Boy Scouts". This organisation is devoted to world domination and is to be considered a great danger to hitchhikers. Membership ========== The organisation consists of adolescent Earthling males separated into groups known as "packs". Each "Pack" is led by a "Den Master", an adult Earthling who is dedicated to the ideals of the organisation. The adolescents of the International Cut-throats of Earth are all trained in various military practices. Training ======== Each trooper is ordered to construct a gruelling obstacle course in which to train. They are then introduced to combat with training in no less than six ancient forms of "Indian Wrestling". Participation in sports is encouraged by the ICoE. Conditioning Of Troops ====================== The troops, if they withstand this physical training, are forced to vow allegiance to their Den Master. They are also told to obey the laws of an organised religion of their choice, but because of their complete dedication to their den, allegiance to a religion is largely a cover for an uncaring and dehumanising group. This vow is to be always kept by the soldiers. The vow is of great importance to troopers, and forces them to obey commands to kill family members of authority figures with their little knives. This takes a great deal of mental conditioning as well as a lot of perseverance, insofar as the knives are very small. Rank System =========== After these vows are taken a trooper will receive his knife, a possession often synonymous with social standing and honour in the pack. The knife is not to be used, even in self defence, unless ordered by the Den Master. The knife is the main weapon of the ICoE Troops. Those who stop their training after attaining the knife remain grunts, while those who wish to be promoted and presented with further commendation may learn special skills in such categories as Aeronautics, Stage Magic to fool the masses into believing the troopers to be gods, Law Enforcement, Mechanics, etc. This provides the ICoE with the kind of specialists an organisation needs if it's going to be taking over a planet. Leadership ========== The ICoE is lead by a mysterious board of directors under an unknown system of government. This board, not ready to seize control of Earth at the present time, keeps it's troops trained but inactive. This does not mean that the board will not eliminate any hitchhiker who makes trouble (in other words, _any_ hitchhiker). Encounter Strategy ================== If an encounter with an ICoE troop is not preventable, follow these steps: 1) Make fun of the trooper's outfit. This will cause him to question his loyalty to the beasts that force him to wear such a uniform. 2) Run into a room with a light switch and turn it on. The trooper will be required by his oath to switch the light off. 3) Ambush the trooper once he has turned off the lights and cannot see. Proceed to tie the trooper's hands with his handkerchief and take his hat (ICoE members will not admit defeat until their hats are taken: their motto is "As long as there is a hat, there is hope". This is why bullies can be seen trying to take troopers' hats). Special Note ============ Any readers with a paper-like appearance should steer clear of the ICoE's "Jamborees", where animal-like figures made of papier-mache' are often beaten with sticks for recreation. Summary ======= In general, the ICoE is to be considered a dangerous organisation to all earthlings, and specifically hitchhikers. Deal with the ICoE's powerful but limited power much as one might deal with chained dog: wander around and harass it all you want as long as it's bound, but if it finds an opportunity to get revenge, run like the wind. %e *EOA* %t Topeka, Kansas, USA, Earth %n 9S5 %s The Most Totally Boring Place In The Galaxy %a Matt Baier (geiiga42@aol.com) %d 19970113 %x Kansas City, Missouri, USA, Earth %x Earth %e In Kansas there is a town sixty miles west of Kansas City whose inhabitants are either so mind-bogglingly dull, or who have re-evolved into such a different life form with such far greater patience, that they actually live there. It is called Topeka, and the following are suggestions for the hitchhiker on what to do if he finds himself in this town: 1) Leave. The locals are not of the kind type, and are annoyed by many things, the least of which is not out-of-state license plates. A reason for this could be because of their failure to follow such a basic instruction [1]. 2) Stay. People stay in Topeka for the same reason that woolly mammoths stayed in the La Brea tar pits. If you find yourself immune to tar, and have a high tolerance for boredom, then this is the option for you. Hence, I bring you the basics of Topeka. Food ==== If you have a budget of around $10 a meal, you may eat at any of the major chain restaurants. For Tex-Mex, I recommend Annie's Santa Fe, in West Ridge Mall. This is a largish shopping market located on the outskirts of the town. For no readily apparent reason, at least none that the chronicler can grasp, this is prime real estate. The thought behind this is presumably "Twenty-five rich idiots can't all be wrong." This makes it a stumbling block to the Topekans who, as has been discussed earlier, have quite enough problems of their own. Any restaurant that looks crowded is bound to be good, except Applebee's, which has its own special problems, and Bennigan's, a very uncrowded restaurant, whose Death by Chocolate is the best dessert in the town. If any of this has made sense, prepare to lose the trail from which it has been derived. The streets of Topeka are, well, annoying. In order to find a place that's not on a major street, one has to follow numerous winding roads. A recent news broadcast also complained of the poor condition of these same streets. A good directional tip would be to find a car that looks like it knows where it's going and follow it [2]. If this doesn't work, find a gas station and ask the attendant for directions [3]. If you want to know where you are going, and don't want to ask for directions, I highly recommend not going to the town in the first place. [1] I am one of those. [2] Usually this will take you to Wanamaker. [3] The gas station attendants are usually dumb enough to be happy, but smart enough to tell you where to go. %e *EOA* %t Meteor Strike, Recommended Procedures In Case Of A %n 8S15 %s What Should You Do If A Meteorite Lands In Your Field? %a Sean Ellis (sellis@superscape.com) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet by Roel van der Meulen * (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19950915 %k Meteor %k Meteorite %e What should you do if a meteorite lands in your field? Do not: * stand directly under the path of the falling rock. * investigate during the hours of darkness. * send farmhands to investigate during the hours of darkness. * send farmhands to investigate during the hours of daylight. * call any nuclear physicists who may be on holiday nearby. * stand around saying "Ooh, look, the top's unscrewing." Serious flash burns may result. * intone the phrase "Klatu Barada Nikto" for any reason. * call the Army. Do: * adopt infants found near the site of the impact. * carry flashlights. * run away if flashlights unexpectedly go out. * check returning farmhands for signs that they are still human. * check out all local greenhouses for tall bell-shaped flowers and/or giant seed pods. * make sure at least one of any investigating party has a cold. Seriously, I guess that the best people to get into contact with would be the geology department of your local university, or your local natural history museum. If they can't help directly, they should know someone who can. %e *EOA* %t Fishing, The Art Of %n 8S16 %s An In-Depth Article On How To Fish %a Mark Andersen (0206043@acad.nwmissouri.edu) %d 19961009 %x Canada, Earth %x Boredom %k Fishing %k Sport %e In his literary masterpiece entitled _501 Survival Tips For Men_ Craig Hartglass said about fishing: "There is no better way to waste a day that should be spent working." Indeed, this is only one of the many benefits of fishing enjoyed by fishermen worldwide. Here are some more: Fishing is a great way to combat boredom. The proof of this: Canada. There sure the hell isn't much else to do up there; therefore people fish. Fish are dumb. They will try to eat almost anything i.e. feathers, bugs, wooden lures, and even worse, shiny metal "spoons". The feeling of superiority you get from outsmarting these critters is extraordinary. An added bonus for the hitchhiker is that if you have a fishing pole with you, people will assume that you are only dressed grubbily like that because you are going fishing, not because you are a penniless hitchhiker, and therefore they will be far more inclined to give you a lift. That takes care of the "why"; now we will examine more closely the "how". First, you will need the following: * Tackle: this is the long slender thing you generally see people holding. It comes in several forms: bait caster, spinning, spin caster, fly-rod, or hillbilly (this is simply a long, skinny stick with a string tied around the end of it.) * Line: mono-filament, braided, string, twine, small rope, almost anything will work. * Terminal tackle: lures, hooks, worms, flies, bobbers, etc. NOTE: you can buy all the above equipment in "kiddie packs" at K-mart [1]. As an added bonus, once in a while they even throw in added stuff like sunglasses, a camera, or assorted gadgets, which we will get to later. * Gadgets: these are supposedly useful items sold in the back of outdoors magazines and on TV. Their names usually include such phrases as: "301 functions!" and "revolutionary new sports product!". In actuality, their only real purpose is to keep you entertained while you are waiting for fish to bite. * A fish'n' buddy: OK, I suppose this isn't necessary, but it gives you someone to blame your bad luck on. * Beer: sure, some people fish without beer, but these are people with very high attention spans. Even Canadians don't fish without beer. Instructions: 1) Find some body of water - anything will do. 2) Put worms, crickets, or lures on the end of your line. 3) Cast: this is a tricky bit, you'll just have to learn it on your own. 4) Sit down. 5) Play with your gadgets. 6) Comment on the stupidity of your buddy's gadgets. 7) Reel in a fish. 8) Throw it back; you don't want to have to cut it up, do you? 9) Repeat steps 2-4 10) Drink a beer; if possible, drink several beers. 11) Use a "Never-fail Wise Person Phrase". We will discuss these later. 12) Tell stories, lie a lot. 13) Repeat above steps as long as desired. Now to explain "Never-fail Wise Person Phrases". Remember when you always thought that your grandpa was wise because of the profound things he said? They weren't wise, he just mastered some of these phrases. Try to throw in a few of these phrases whenever you fish: * "Well, if we don't catch any fish within the first couple hours, they probably aren't biting." * "The fish aren't biting because ...there is a cold (or warm) front moving in." ...the water is too cold" (or warm, muddy, clear, stinky, ... be creative!) Now you have the idea, so make up your own bloody phrases. There, now you know, at least as well as I, how to fish. [1] K-mart: an American Superstore. %e *EOA* %t Meditation %n 9S6 %s Helpful Hints %a Darren Long (long.spike@virgin.net) %d 19970521 %x Enlightenment %x Relaxation %k Meditation %k Buddha %k Relaxation %e Meditation is a totally cool thing. However, doing it in public can attract unwarranted attention and, let's face it, when you've tied your legs in knots and you are blissfully unaware of your surroundings, you are more than slightly vulnerable to attack. This apparently didn't stop Siddharta Gottama (the Buddha) from practising it, until one day a King took his harem out into the forest where the Buddha had taken refuge. Whilst exploring the area, the King's wives found the Buddha's shelter and went in. The King arrived, and in a fit of jealous rage he chopped off one of the Buddha's arms. This violent measure elicited no response [1]. He then proceeded to chop off the other arm. Still gaining no satisfactory response from the mellow dude, he completed his dismembering activities and left with his wives. The Buddha was totally non-fazed by this butcherous assault and completely forgave his murderer in the interest of following his path to enlightenment. Hints ===== 1) Don't go to evening classes to learn how to mediate. There is always some moron fiddling, twitching, making silly noises, farting etc. Also the clocks in classrooms and lecture theatres are incredibly loud. More importantly, what is the point in paying to practice doing nothing. You might as well do it at home. Or better still, while you are at work, getting paid for it [2]. 2) Do set your alarm clock. A good enlightenment can keep you tripping for ages and time loses all sense of proportion. You could wake up 5 minutes later, 5 days later, or sometimes even 23 minutes before you entered the magic state. If you are really unlucky, you could wake up while you should have been at work, finding your boss in the office firing you. 3) Don't get smug because you are doing so well. Thinking that you are meditating, and actually meditating are mutually exclusive states of being. Unless of course you were meditating on meditation [3]. But what would be the use in that? [1] An alternative explanation of what occurred has been speculated about for some time. One of the King's wives is reported to have witnessed the event in great detail. Apparently the Buddha was asleep with his eyes open, and failed to notice the approach of the group and the initial attack with the sword. Startled by the sudden loss of a limb, the Buddha awoke with a jolt and subsequently he severely bit his tongue. His moans and groans were interpreted to be part of a mantra (chant) and helped to give the impression of continued meditation. As he became aware of what was really happening to him, he began to formulate a plan. It was at this point that the second blow fell. He now realised that his plan to escape was doomed. With no arms, he could not unfurl his legs from the lotus position, and had no escape from his persecutor. He could not fight (not that he was inclined to do that anyway) and neither could he beg for mercy due to his inability to speak. Certain death awaited him, but he learned from his experience. Never again did he meditate where people could find him. Probably. [2] Or better still, on Sundays, when you are on double time. [3] Meditating on _medication_ is more enjoyable. %e *EOA* %t Chocolate Milk %n 8S17 %s A Hitchhiker's Drink %a Scott McChesney (FULCRUM149@Aol.com) %d 19970723 %k Beverage %k Syrup %k Drink %k Chocolate %k Milk %x Ice Cream %x Ice Cream Cascade, The %i Milk, Chocolate %e Chocolate milk is a great multi-purpose drink, with many forms and uses. There are mainly two kinds of chocolate milk: 1) chocolate syrup [1], mixed on the spot with milk, and 2) chocolate and milk premixed. The first kind is most useful to hitchhikers. Chocolate syrup has a long shelf life, is cheap, and can easily be carried, waiting for the moment the hitchhiker has access to a cow. Also, the syrup can be drank by itself for a quick burst of energy. This is not advised, however, because in tests it was shown to cause a subject's eyes to explode. The standard ratio of syrup to milk is 1 1/2 tablespoons to 8 ounces. It does not taste as good as the second kind, but when one is hitchhiking that is usually the least of one's concerns. The second kind requires no work and tastes better, but it must be refrigerated, and costs more. Chocolate milk, in general, has many uses. It can be heated to keep you warm, or cooled to cool you down. The syrup can be put on foods such as waffles, ice cream, etc. It can also be used as a universal lubricant. It costs little and tastes good. On the hitchhiker's scale of 1-21, 21 being the highest, I give it a 17. [1] Syrup is used here in the extremely broad sense, and includes powder and that kind of stuff. Later on in the article it is used in the narrower sense, including only chocolate syrup. %e *EOA* %t Formula 1, The World Of * Formatted by WinPGG v1.5 Beta 5 (1998/01/25) %n 9S7 %s The Bluffer's Guide %a James Crook (Starbug@bigfoot.com) %d 19970629 %x Weather, Influencing The %x Cars, Getting Hit By %x Rules Of Car Chasing %x Sports: Words One Should Know %i F1 %i World Of Formula 1, The %i Motor Racing, Formula 1 %i Grand Prix, Formula 1 %k Motor %k Racing %k Car %k Sport %k Formula 1 %k F1 %e Of all the motor sports in the world, Formula 1 [1] is the most glamorous, expensive and 'happening'. It has seen a real popularity boom over the past decade through expectant fans cheering on the likes of Senna, Schumacher, Mansell and Hill. In this article I shall attempt to provide the F1 virgin with useful titbits of information to use and impress in social conversation. F1 is very much a structured system. Firstly there are the drivers. The Drivers =========== These people are allowed, quite foolishly, to drive very expensive cars into concrete walls whilst being paid vast amounts of money. 'Easy, I could do that for free!' you may think; you'd be wrong for several reasons. 1) It takes a special talent to drive it into a wall on the last corner of a race. 2) It takes a special talent to walk away from your mangled two million wreck as if it was just another day at the office. 3) It takes a special talent to also make someone crash at the same time. Taki Inoue was a driver with this recurring ability, much to the anger of other drivers who preferred to find their own wall when _they_ were ready. 4) If, by mistake, you actually finish a race in first place you have to be prepared to be happy and refreshed, ready to talk to the press as if you had just been for a drive in the country. This, opposed to a 200mph roller coaster ride causing neck pains and a justifiable need to visit the lavatory. F1 drivers are often arrogant, foreign, rich, and normally have at least one speeding ticket each. The Teams ========= Each team contains a larger number of people than the mind can comfortably conceive. There are personnel responsible for the cars, the sponsorship, the construction of cars, the drivers, the food, the drink (and so on...). Each team has three drivers and a bottomless pit of money (there are a few exceptions to this rule). The team managers normally do not talk very much and often wear grim expressions on their faces. This is not, as most people think, to convey a feeling of fear in any driver who does not mount a wall on the first bend, but one that has been strictly enforced as part of the FIA [2] ruleset. Frank Williams [3] is a prime example of how the FIA expects the team managers to behave, making sure that any onlookers feel that F1 is a serious sport whereas, in fact, it is just an excuse to make vast amounts of money, live in luxury and fart about playing in cars. Every team carries logos. One of which tells the viewers which brand of cigarette the team smokes. The Race ======== The F1 circus travels to faraway exotic locations around the world, parading for the fans. Each race weekend is divided into a number of sessions: 1) Practice: here the drivers just trundle round the track to get so-called 'data'. More importantly, however, they provide the FIA with cash in the form of tickets, TV coverage and publicity. 2) Qualifying: this is where each driver tries to get round the track in the slowest time. This is especially important as it determines the order on the grid that the drivers will line up for the race. It is an obvious advantage to be at the back as you can cause an enormous amount of chaos as you try to carve your way through the field. As mentioned above, Taki Inoue had a remarkable talent for this. 3) Warm Up: no significance to this. Just another excuse to bury your car in a wall. 4) The Race: this is where it matters. Any wall-slamming over the previous sessions pales into insignificance if you can cause a _major_ pile up at the first corner, and get the race stopped. If the officials decide to re-start the race then you really are doing well as you get another go at stacking the entire field into a crowded grandstand. Things To Lookout For During A Race ----------------------------------- 1) People off the track cheering: if you see this then you might be forgiven for wondering what they are cheering about. Everybody knows that these people pay huge amounts of money to watch the cars parade around the track whilst not having the faintest idea who's winning. 2) People waving flags: these people are specially employed by the FIA to wave different coloured flags at the drivers as they fly by at 200mph. Note the body language of the drivers as a black flag is waved frantically. Laugh out loud as red flag is held out when everyone finds a wall on the first corner. Jeer at the man who waves the black and white flag, preventing any more drivers from making mechanical love with a wall. 3) A car with flashing lights: this car is called the safety car, it is used to cause added confusion to the drivers as they have to form a long snaking line and wobble from side to side. The safety car is, in fact, brought out to close the gaps up between F1 cars in order to allow a greater chance of one driver taking another driver off into a wall. 4) Pit Stops: these are used to shuffle the field of cars about a bit and, again, increase the amount of collisions. It requires great skill for a collision to occur in the pit lane. In particular look out for the bloke waving a lollipop; he's funny. People In F1 ============ Want to show off your F1 knowledge? Then impress people by talking about these people. Bernie Ecclestone ----------------- The F1 boss. This man is worth about 237 million pounds and looks like he could spend that much on plastic surgery. He calls the shots and many say he actually controls the events in the race. This isn't true, however, as that honour is bestowed on Murray Walker (below). Max Mosley ---------- Max is a real nasty piece of work, as he is in charge of changing the rules from year to year and putting small teams out of business. The rule changes that are made are timed perfectly the point when the teams have just got used to the last set of rule changes. This man is a waste of space [4]. Murray Walker ------------- This man has an unnerving talent: his comments can affect the race outcome. Murray is the only living proof of the anti-chaos theory [5] in that what ever comment he makes on a drivers progress causes the opposite to happen only a few seconds later. For example, in Spain this year (1997) he commented on how well Damon Hill was doing, only to find himself, seconds later, announcing that Hill's engine had blown and he had parked his car by a wall (rather than in it). Murray is also the only commentator to actually _sound_ like an F1 car. Michael Schumacher ------------------ This man is a terrible driver as he hardly ever manages to find a suitable wall to park his car into. This could be because he is German. Ukyo Katayama ------------- This man is the best F1 has! He regularly removes four or five drivers in one fell swoop. Other drivers do think, however, that he is about as useful as a condom machine in the Vatican. Summary ======= In short, all you could ever need to know about F1 can be summed up in three words. Dangerous, expensive, fast; a bit like opium. [1] Abbreviated to 'F1' in hoopy circles. [2] The governing body. [3] A miserable man who has no reason to be miserable because he is in charge of the best team in F1. [4] That's _my_ opinion. [5] The chaos theory states that an action, no matter how remote, can affect another. A butterfly flapping its wings causing a tornado for example. %e *EOA* %t Lincoln, Nebraska, USA, Earth %n 6S17 %s A Place To Hoop The Place Down %a Mark Petro (DrSieko@aol.com) %d 19980528 %x Faking UFOs %x Nebraska, USA, Earth %e Where to land: Corn fields are the best places, as there are so many around and they provide ample space. The imprint of your ship on the corn provides a valuable souvenir of your visit for the locals. If for some reason all corn fields are occupied, hover over the Hyde Observatory and jump onto it. This makes the star gazers very happy. Where to go and have fun: Though a fly over may make the place seem a little unhoopy, Lincoln is actualy a very hoopy place to be. It has many activity centers including a laser tag arena called Laser Quest. This costs six Terran American dollars for admission. You then put on a vest and carry a laser gun and shoot people with it. WARNING!! If you chose to use your own kill-o-zap blaster, set it very low or you might get arrested and deported to another Terran country! Where to work: A pizza place called Papa Johns is a very good place to start and if you have to green antenna growing out of your head that would explain a lot to the locals. Otherwise any fast food restaurant. Where to stay: For luxury I would stay at the Cornhusker hotel, but if you're low on money any other good hotel, motel or pickup truck will do. What not to do: The number one rule on going to Lincoln (I would pay attention if you don't want to lose your head or any other vital part of your body) is _never_ say "the Cornhuskers stink" or anything to that effect. %e *EOA* %t Trosa, Sweden, Earth %n 8S18 %s The End Of The World In Sweden %a Dennis Roren (dennis.roren@nexus.se) %d 19980320 %x Earth %x Sweden: The True Story %x Sweden, Earth %x Skoevde, Sweden, Earth %x Linkoeping, Sweden, Earth %i Vaerldens Aende, Sweden, Earth %i End Of The World, Sweden, Earth, The %e Trosa, where life hibernates during the winter, and starts to awaken during spring, to be fully awake in the summer. This little town, also called "Vaerldens aende", which is synonymous to "the end of the world", lies very isolated at the eastern coast of Sweden, and has a population of around 1200 people in the winter, which triples to about 3600 in the summer. If you should happen to land here, and for some reason need something to eat, be sure to either be here in the summer time, or between 10 am to 6 pm, otherwise you will find that nothing is open. You might find some people working in a little company lying in the outskirts of town, but apart from that, this town is pretty _dead_ in the winter time -- trust me, I have lived here. It is a quiet town that is nice to visit in the summer, when there are lots of ships of different types and sizes in the harbour, and there is a nice amount of partying going on, and so on. The people here are pretty easy to spot: 1) All of them (at least 90%) are whiskey drinkers. (Some drink the more expensive types.) 2) Everyone drinks Pripps (a typical Swedish brand of beer that I have little, actually, _no_ understanding for...). 3) All use most of their time doing the things above, but not until a full day's work has been done. When I got here with my towel (and some other things) I was almost at once accepted and drawn in to their strange activities. At the time of my leaving I got a nice send-off, so the people here, I dare say, are mostly harmless... If you are ever in Sweden, and in the vicinity of Gothenburg, send me a note and I might tell you a little more of what I know about Sweden! %e *EOA* %t Black Holes, An Informational Manual %n 9S8 %s The Definitively Inaccurate Guide To Supercompressed Matter %a Matt Baier (geiiga42@cjnetworks.com) %d 19971124 %x Black Holes %x Drivers With Hats %i Event Horizon, The Theory Of A Black Hole %i Horizon, Event, The Theory Of A Black Hole %i Holes, Black, An Informational Manual %k black hole %k space %k compression %k stars %k gravity %k light %e There has been much written about dead stars that have undergone gravitational collapse. Scientists, in their quest to find dull common names for interesting subject material (i.e. 'Big Bang' instead of, say, 'Horrendous Space Kablooie') have coined the term 'black hole.' Speculations govern most of the black hole community, and the objects themselves have still not been proven to exist. Like most scientists, they have developed an advanced theory on something they have no clue about. The following is a condensed version of it. The outer planets in the Sol system are peculiar. Neptune, Uranus, and Pluto all have eccentricities in their orbits. Neptune's is explained by the presence of Uranus. Uranus, however, has a greater eccentricity than can be explained by the presence of Pluto. Pluto is just messed up. To explain Uranus's eccentricity, three theories have been offered. The least credible of these is that Pluto is made of some incredibly dense substance which gives it more gravity than one would theorize. Another theory is that there is another gas giant further away from Sol even than Pluto. This is possible, and the most widely accepted theory, but I prefer a third theory. It states that there is a black hole closer to Sol than the 4.2 light years to Alpha Centauri. Essentially, a black hole is a gravity drain. It pulls stuff into itself in much the same as water goes down a drain when one pulls the plug. The Event Horizon of a black hole is the point where nothing, not even light, can escape. It is estimated that the event horizon from a black hole formed of a medium-sized star the size of Sol, would extend three times the diameter of Pluto's orbit. As you pass through the event horizon, eventually you will find yourself turning into what is called Quantum Foam. This is bad. Imagine yourself melting into a puddle of viscous goo. This is not unlike quantum foam. Continuing towards the core of the black hole, for you have no choice, you will then become Quantum Spaghetti. This is quantum foam after all the molecules have broken down and the atoms rearranged. It looks rather like quantum foam, only stretched into long, thin strands. It also tastes marginally better than quantum foam. All in all, black holes are a hoopy place to go if you are one of those people who drives five miles per hour below the posted speed limit, are a militant vegetarian (or veganist), or thinks Tina Turner looks good in a miniskirt (or even at all). %e *EOA* %t Linkoeping, Sweden, Earth %n 8S19 %s Linkoeping, Why? When? How? %a Roberth Karman (karman@lysator.liu.se) %d 19980322 %x Earth %x Sweden: The True Story %x Sweden, Earth %x Skoevde, Sweden, Earth %x Towels %e Have you ever seen the sunset reflect its reddish rays in the Roxen [1] sea? Have you ever traveled along the Staangaa [2] listening to the birds singing? Have you ever walked the streets of Ryd [3] late at night watching students try to find their way home? If you have, you've probably already seen what's to see in Linkoeping, and know your way around. But if you haven't, let me tell you about this sweet little city. There are all kinds of people here, but the ones you should be looking for are the students [4] and the ex-students [5]. These people know how to enjoy life, if you don't disturb them in some really important project or exam. If you have a towel (which I assume everyone has) you can crash at any place. There are a lot of great hotels (if you travel with a huge expense account) that I can really recommend, but for the average hiker there are more inexpensive ways of crashing, like dorm rooms, other hikers' apartments, nice little forests, and of course the gutter. :-) The people of Linkoeping are quite friendly. I've only lived here for a couple of months but I really feel welcome. There is nowhere in this town where you can get a nice pint of Guinness, but they do have some other nice brands of intergalactic beer. If you dare, you might want to visit the Systembolag [6] where you can buy cans of Guinness, but you have to drink it elsewhere. The hiker culture is widely spread in Linkoeping. Most people in the "students/ex-students" category know about the Guide, and the answer to the big question of "life, universe and everything" is known by each and every one of them (although the opinion about the correct answer may vary a bit). If your spacecraft should happen to drop you off in Linkoeping, give me a call on the URG [7] and I'll be happy to show you around. So what happened to the "Why? When? How?"? * Why? Easily answered. It's a nice place! * When? Summertime is preferred, but you will always find nice people here. * How? Just bring your towel and the rest will be an easy ride. [1] Roxen, pronounced much like "woxen", is a lake. Some people might say it's a webserver, which is also correct, but it's named after the lake. [2] Staangaan is a small "river" that runs through Linkoeping. [3] Ryd is the part of Linkoeping where most of the students live. Here you may find the dorms. [4] Students are widely known for their partyish hoopy lifestyle. Students can often be seen in colourful overalls running around drinking and singing. [5] Ex-students are persons who either skipped University after a couple of years and started to work, or who finished their education and then started to work (more seldomly found though). [6] Systembolaget is a shop where you can buy liquor but not drink it. It is the only place apart from pubs/restaurants where you can legally buy liquor. [7] URG: Universal Radio Gizmo. A device similar to an amateur radio station. It's the size of a cell-phone and can receive and transmit messages across the entire universe. A must to every hitch-hiker, almost as necessary as the towel. %e *EOA* %t \"Oland, Sweden, Earth %d 19980226 %s \"Oland, Sweden's Stinky Little Island %n 6S18 %a Margit Richert (ford_prefect_42@hotmail.com) %e So... Ever thought about going to \"Oland? No? Well, good. In case you haven't heard of this nutty little Swedish island, continue reading. If you live there (not a very great probability since the evolution goes so slowly there that they haven't even invented watches, and definitely not the Internet), then stop reading now, because your island is going to be dragged down the mud heavily. \"Oland is a tiny island, about 150 km long, in the south of the Baltic Sea. It has about 20,000 inhabitants (cows not counted) and it mainly consists of bad-smelling farms and even more bad-smelling farmers. Agriculture is, besides tourism, the most common way to earn money, and in fact, \"Oland must be the only place on earth that has more cows than people per square meter, and it is definitely the only place where the cows have a higher average IQ than the people owning them. As mentioned before, tourism is a very good source of income. Mainly, the tourists are German and/or very drunk and in both cases they are willing to buy anything that seems to be genuine handcraft (i.e. elk shit, Chinese crap and tee-shirts with prints as "I was drunk all holiday" or "\"Oland is Sweden's Tenerifa"). They are also glad to buy liquor at very high prices, since they are sure that the more they have to pay, the drunker they will get by drinking it. (That is usually true, so that is why they always end up in hospital.) Another thing that the ordinary drunk/German tourist wants to do is to take a pee outdoors, which must, as far as I can see, be the only reason for anything to grow on \"Oland. Still interested in going to \"Oland? Well, then I must come to the conclusion that you are either drunk or German. If you are drunk it will probably not last so long, so you'll have a chance to think it over again before packing your suitcase. If you are German I feel sad for you because then you are in a chronic state of stupidness. %e *EOA* * * End of file: SREAL05.NEW * Share and Enjoy! *