* * Archive: REAL04.NEW * * Created on: Tue Mar 28 15:30:11 2000 * * Number of articles: 25 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to * find an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * 1R19-1 Alley Rally '94 - A Bowling Oddysey * 2R62-1 Cats And Dogs * 2R63-1 Cambridge, England, UK, Earth * 2R64-1 Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire, England, UK, Earth * 2R65-1 High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, England, UK, Earth * 2R66-1 Oxford University Speculative Fiction Group (OUSFG) * 2R67-1 Jumping Off Cliffs And Other High Places * 2R68-1 Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker * 2R69-1 Latin, On The _Ad Hoc_ Use Of * 2R70-1 Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool, England, UK, Earth * 2R71-1 London, England, UK, Earth * 2R72-1 Meulen, Roel Van Der * 2R73-1 Paragliding * 2R74-1 Testing * 2R75-1 Martial Arts And Farts * 2R76-1 Law School Necessities * 2R77-1 Alcohol Guilt In Students * 2R78-1 Jomsborg The New * 2R79-1 Cairns, Queensland, Australia, Earth * 2R80-1 Cats * 2R81-1 Sweden: The True Story * 2R82-1 Ohio State University, Columbus, Ohio, USA, Earth * 2R83-1 Towns Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers * 2R84-1 Extinction Of Species * 2R85-1 Mensa * %t Alley Rally '94 - A Bowling Oddysey %n 1R19 %s To Boldly Bowl Where No One Has Bowled Before %a Steven William Baker (swbaker@vela.acs.oakland.edu) %d 19940403 %i Bowling on the Road %x Des Moines, Iowa, USA, Earth %x Kansas City, Missouri, USA, Earth %e The sound was deafening. As I fled the scene, thunderous explosions of white (with red trim) were all around me. The vast, smoke-filled area was filled with commotion -- the crowds were shouting and jumping, the people were rushing aimlessly with reckless precision. No, this was not a natural disaster, a riot, or even a European soccer match; this is a bowling alley. For ten days, I lived the life and experienced the motto: "I am, therefore I bowl." This article describes and embellishes my sojourn across the midwest United States in search of the Perfect Bowl. Leaving from Michigan, I basically wandered westward until I hit Nebraska, moseyed south to Kansas, then stumbled eastward through Ohio, and finally back up to ol' Michigan. Before You Leave ---------------- No matter how much time you plan for departure, it won't be enough. There are always at least two things you forgot to do before you left (and many times the next rest stop isn't for another 42 miles), and there are at least four mysterious things you forget to bring with you that will nag at your subconscious until you discover that you need one of them. Deciding on a City ------------------ Sometimes it's fun just to pull into a town which sounds cool. When cruising from Illinois to Iowa, I saw a sign for a town called "Rock Island." Being a good Jethro Tull fan, I realized I had to bowl there. Another thrill is finding cities with the same name as your home town. For example, although I didn't find too many Rochesters (I currently live and work in Rochester, Michigan), I did find two other Troys (I grew up in Troy, Michigan). Other times, I had a target city in mind. Major cities like Kansas City, St. Louis, Omaha, Indianapolis, and Des Moines were on my list of cities to bowl at right from the start. How to Find a Bowling Alley --------------------------- OK, so you've decided to pull off the freeway and into an interesting- sounding city. Here are three handy methods to find bowling alleys: 1) Drive around until you find one. Pros: sheer joy and an intense burst of satisfaction when you stumble across one. Cons: you may never find one and run out of gas trying. 2) Find a telephone book, write down some addresses and phone numbers, and then drive around until you find them. Pros: still fun when you find something on your own by following street signs and building numbers. Cons: not as adventurous as driving around using "the Force." 3) Stop at a gas station and ask someone. Pros: you'll usually find bowling alleys the quickest this way. Cons: if you ask someone who doesn't know, the directions will invariably be horribly wrong and you'll be worse off than Method 1, above. The following are general notes and tid-bits about surviving a ten-day Alley Rally across America: Credit Cards ------------ Let's face it, these things are becoming a necessary evil in today's society. They're very handy but you can get yourself into all sorts of trouble if you aren't careful. By observing a few simple ideas, you can safely use credit cards to enhance and prolong your journey. First, try to dedicate one credit card for each need (i.e., one for gasoline, one for lodging, etc.). This makes the bookkeeping much easier; you'll be able to track how much you have spent in a particular category and know how much you have left at your disposal. Second, stick to the first rule! It's very easy, and very tempting, to waver from your resolutions and charge little bits here and there ("Aw, it's only fifteen bucks, what's that going to hurt?"). Trust me, it'll hurt more than you think. Third, make sure you have the toll-free numbers to check your balances. Some cards have the number printed on the back, while others only have it on your monthly statement. From time to time you're going to forget how much you've spent so far, and this number will let you know if you're going to run into trouble. Cash ---- Try to bring as much cash and travellers checks as possible. If you can use credit cards for lodging and gasoline then your cash is for bowling, food, and souvenirs. Per bowling alley, figure: o $8 for a series (three games) - this should be an over- estimate, but if you bowl at a prime time, this might not even be enough o $10 for food at the grill (again, this should be plenty) o $10 for drinks at the bar (if you do more than that, then you should not plan on more than two or three alleys per day!) Other expenses to consider: o Toll booth change (see below) o Food away from the alleys (breakfast, most likely) o Telephone calls, if you don't have a calling card thing o Coin-operated laundromats, if you don't pack a lot of clothes o Post cards and stamps, if you want to keep in touch with anyone What to Pack ------------ There are certain things that one must pack for an Alley Rally, and if you plan on sleeping in your car, then additional items are required. At a minimum, pack the following: o Towel(s) - I brought three, just in case. o Bowling ball(s), bowling shoes, and any additional bowling gear you require (like those wrist guard things, etc.) o A watch or a clock. If you go across the country, you're going to cover different time zones. Try to keep track of what time it is, or you may either arrive at an alley too early in the morning or too late in the morning, depending on what time of the morning we're talking about. o Camera - those "disposable" cameras are great in the daylight, and you don't have to worry about anything; $12 for a Kodak FunSaver 35-mm 27 exposure with built-in flash and everything. (They don't take good long-range photos at night, however.) o Lots of cassettes or CD's to play in the car. I brought about 40 tapes and ended up playing them all at least twice. You're going to be on the road a lot! o Notepads, notebooks, or something to take notes about the alleys you encounter. (I brought a laptop computer along, and used it in the lounges to collect my notes and generally look "cool.") o At least one decent map of the area you plan to cover. I got a good map of the United States at the local AAA office. Sure, it's much more fun to just drive and discover what you come across, but at some point you're going to find yourself in a gasoline station at two in the morning asking the attendant, "What state is this, where in the state are we, and how do I get to Des Moines, Iowa?" o Sunglasses. o Bathroom stuff (soap, shampoo, toothbrush, etc.) Don't forget anything or assume that a motel will have stuff there, because while most of them have soap, very few of the less expensive ones stock shampoo, and none sold toothbrushes (try gas stations if you need to buy one of those). o Aspirin or other pain relief; if you plan on hitting a lot of bowling alleys, and/or if you plan on covering a lot of miles each day, then you're going to be sore. o A few decks of cards, for when you need to wait around for a pair of open lanes or if you really want to make your highway driving experience an interesting one. o Clothes (plan on one outfit per day, but you can always just stop at a coin-operated laundromat somewhere and wash everything.) o Empty bags to put stuff in later. If it's not too warm outside, fill a large cooler with ice and bring things like half-gallons of milk, orange juice, two-liters of soda pop, distilled water, etc. Keep this cooler in your trunk. This way you can bring along some boxes of cereal, a few spoons and bowls, and you've got your breakfast and snacks right there with you. (NOTE: I tried to bring two gallons of ice cream along too, and was very happy I thought ahead to store each in its own plastic bag - they didn't last the first day of the trip. So, I ended up eating two gallons of ice cream in the lounge of the first alley I came across! The lesson I learned is: Don't bring ice cream on an Alley Rally unless you plan on touring either Antarctica, the Alaskan tundra, or Northern Canada.) Other kinds of food you can pack: o Pop tarts o Corn chips, Nilla Wafers, and other munchies - great on the road o Breakfast bars (those Carnation things are pretty good) In addition, if you plan on sleeping in your vehicle, you'll probably need some additional gear: o Pillow(s) o Sleeping bag, blankets, et al. o More towels Sleeping, Showers, Etc. ----------------------- While generally considered a useful activity in its own write, sleeping is often awkward at best in Alley Rallys. For economically-minded bowlers, rest stops are a sure thing, as long as you're also not into personal hygiene. Otherwise, as you travel along the highways, be sure to keep tabs on the lodging billboards for something inexpensive. Along the way I came across Model 6's around $26, Super 8 Models for about $35, and Budgetel's for around $45 (these prices are after taxes are added). The bargains are further away from the major cities (a Model 6 in the middle of nowhere may cost you $25, whereas one just outside of St. Louis would run around $35 or more), and likewise try to avoid ones near airports. If you're going for the rest stops, the ones along Interstate 80 in Northern Illinois were the best I came across. These were impressively organized and very spacious, with playgrounds for the kids and lots of tourist information for the family. The ones in southern Indiana along Interstate 70 were also very nice. Conversely, most of the rest stops in Iowa and Nebraska were not much more than covered bathrooms. Regardless, you can always wash up and take care of business at any of these, and they all were mostly safe to sleep at. When choosing a site to sleep, try for a parking spot about three or four away from a lamp post. This way your car is still very well lit but without the direct attention- attracting light. If you're really in a pinch for a place to crash (not literally, of course!) then try a subdivision of a decent-looking town. If you arrive moderately late, park inconspicuously near the end of a street somewhere, and head out again early in the morning, you won't have any problems at all. The best places to shower and clean up on a non-motel Alley Rally are truck plazas. For instance, along Interstate 70 there are a bunch of places called Bobbers Auto/Truck Plaza. They have private showers, food, and gasoline. Make sure you brought your towel and bathroom stuff! Gasoline -------- Besides the bowling, the most important thing in an Alley Rally is gasoline (but just hope that it is not as rare as in the Mad Max films, because at some point in your journey you'll probably feel as though you're in one). If you can swing it, dedicate one credit card for gasoline purchases -- you get a very handy souvenir receipt with all sorts of handy information for calculating your miles per gallon, miles per day, dollars per gallon, dollars per day, et al. This also frees up your cash for food and bowling expenses, which are going to be enough anyway. Toll Booths and Toll Ways ------------------------- Get a good road map of the regions you're going to cover and make note of where the toll-ways are. There's always a way around them, even though often times the gasoline you spend driving in circles trying to avoid the toll is many times the 40 to 50 cents you'd plunk into the toll booth. But heck, it's the principle of the thing to avoid paying those tolls! Fun Way to Not Fall Asleep on the Highway ----------------------------------------- If you plan to cover a lot of distance, you're going to be driving a lot. Here are some fun ways to avoid becoming another statistic. Many of them involve counting or tracking something; this is a good exercise because you need to remember not only what number you've left off at, but also what it is you are counting in the first place. o Count how many out-of-state license plates you come across, keeping in mind what state you happen to be in at the moment. Try to remember what ones are new (plates from states you haven't seen before) and figure out if they've travelled farther from their home state than you have. o Put your car stereo in continual Scan mode. As it cycles through the radio stations, try to identify which stations weren't there the last time through the scan. For even more fun, try to tell when a station is no longer available. o Count the number of: - disabled automobiles off the side of the highway - motorists who are pulled over for speeding - police cars waiting to nail somebody for speeding - trucks you can pass during a given time interval, and then calculate your truck per time ratio (i.e., something like 0.5 trucks per min.) o See if a mile is really as long as they claim it is: use your odometer to measure from one highway mile marker sign to the next, and see if its honestly one mile or if they're cheating you out of a little bit of real estate. (An alternative method is to drive as close to 60 MPH as possible and use your (digital) watch to check if it takes you exactly one minute to go from one highway mile marker to the next.) Weather ------- Especially if you drive across different time zones, you're going to encounter different weather patterns daily. To this I say: Enjoy it! Worship the power of the sunshine, celebrate the ecstacy of the rain, dream into the soft, furry clouds, marvel at the mysteries of a wave of snow, cherish the openness of a clear blue sky. Since you can't really do much about the weather, it certainly helps if you can develop a strong positive attitude to whatever nature brings along for you! Bowling Tips ------------ First, don't wear yourself out! Pace yourself for a lot of bowling. I averaged 4.5 bowling alleys per day with three games per alley, which is a lot of bowling. If you're not used to bowling a lot then be sure to take it easy until your body gets used to all the commotion. (On the other hand, if your wrist hurts too much or that trick knee is starting to act up again, then take care of yourself first - those alleys will still be there in the morning!) Second, take the time to work on the little things of your game that you didn't have the time for before. For instance, techniques like approach, delivery, follow-through, and trying to knock down *all* of the pins (those white wooden things at the end of the bowling lane) instead of most of them. Little things like that. Third, enjoy the people around you. They're probably not going cross- country on a crazy Alley Rally - they're just out to the local bowling center for some fun with friends and family. Bowling near an energetic bunch can be a great experience, especially if they include their alley neighbors (i.e., you) in their festivities. Fourth, each alley's grill, snack bar, and/or restaurant has its own specialty, something that they're proud of. Any place can sell you a hot dog; find what makes this alley's food services unique and sample a piece of their best. Computerized Scoring -------------------- Personally, I hate the computerized scoring systems. It takes all the suspense and fun out of it when the things scores everything for you. But then again, I come from a warped background, largely because we have created so many bizarre ways of bowling (many of which require dice, calculators, hats, tokens, erasers, or playing pieces). The computerized scoring systems are pretty handy if you just play regular bowling games, except they usually do not allow practice frames. If you bowl in a number of alleys then you will get to know how to work these computer things, because you'll sure come across a lot of them. Non-Bowling Tips ---------------- Believe it or not, there *is* more to life than bowling (at least that's what someone told me once.) After a satisfying day of alley hunting, take the time to enjoy the night life your current locale has to offer. The big cities are a lot of fun (with a wide variety of tempting attractions from pubs to movie theatres to huge shopping malls), and their suburbs often have great downtowns of their own. While sometimes you'll want to just collapse in a motel room somewhere and sleep, the energy of exploring a new city is often very invigorating. Alley Summaries --------------- Now that we've discussed a little about surviving bowling on the road, let's review some of the alleys I came across. This list is by no means complete, as sometimes my note-taking skills suffered as a result of driving, bowling, and whatever else one might do when one is out on ones own across America for ten days. Troy Lanes ---------- 1950 E. Square Lake Road, Troy, Michigan 48098; (810) 879-8122 Prices: Regular Open Bowl ... $1.00 Fridays ... $0.94 Shoe Rental: $1.00 Number of Lanes: 40 lanes Computerized: No Food Specials: clogged arteries, heartburn $3.75 for hamburger/cheeseburger, fries, medium soda Etc.: Two pool tables and two electronic dart boards This is our "regular" place every week. Rose Bowl Lanes --------------- 2309 Franklin, Michigan City, Indiana; (219) 872-9930 Prices: M-F 9am to 5pm ... $1.25 Evenings, Weekends, Holidays ... $1.60 Shoe Rental: $0.75 Number of Lanes: 16 lanes Computerized: Yes Food Specials: Built-in restaurant/bar; soda pops $0.60 Dunes Bowl ---------- Gary, Indiana; 938-5301 Prices: $1.75 per game (at least on Friday evenings) Shoe Rental: Yes Number of Lanes: 44 lanes Computerized: No River Rand Bowl --------------- 191 N. River Rand, Des Plaines, Illinois 60016; (708) 299-1001 Prices: M-F 9am to 5pm ... $1.75 Sundays 9am to noon ... $1.50 Otherwise: Adults $2.25, Juniors $1.75, Seniors $1.25 Shoe Rental: $1.25 adults, $0.75 juniors/seniors Number of Lanes: 36 lanes Computerized: No Food Specials: Cheeseburgers are very good here Town and Country Lanes ---------------------- 3636 11th Street, Rock Island, Illinois 61201; (309) 788-9555 Prices: M-F until 5pm ... $1.35 Evenings, Weekends, Holidays ... $1.85 Shoe Rental: $1.00 Number of Lanes: 48 lanes Computerized: No Etc.: Neat wooden atmosphere; it appears like the alley is divided into two halves from the entrance/lobby area. Family Fun Center ----------------- 4500 Blackhawk Road, Rock Island, IL 61201; 786-2700 Number of Lanes: 20 lanes Computerized: No Etc.: They have Junior leagues on Saturday Mornings in-season Milan Lanes ----------- 2020 West 1st Street, Milan, Illinois; (309) 787-1117 Prices: M-F before 6pm ... $1.00 Evenings, Weekends, Holidays ... $1.75 Students and Seniors ... $1.50 Shoe Rental: $1.00 Number of Lanes: 32 lanes Food Specials: Rudy's Tacos, and the Hole in the Wall Lounge Soda pop from vending machines is $0.60 Etc.: They have Red Pin Bowling - solid red pins inserted into the pin feeder units; if a red pin appears as head pin and you get a strike, then you get a free game next time (maximum limit of 5 per nite). Val Lanes Recreational Center ----------------------------- 100 Ashworth Road, West Des Moines, Iowa; 274-0493 Prices: M-F 9am to 5pm ... $2.14 plus tax Evenings, Weekends, Holidays ... $2.62 plus tax Shoe Rental: $1.67 plus tax Number of Lanes: 36 lanes Computerized: AMF AccuScore w/cool graphical preview system which suggests the best strategy to pick up the spare Food Specials: Soda pops for $0.85, $1.25, and $1.50; good pizza for $3.50; nachos are $2.50 Etc.: This place has a LaneWalker device which automatically oils the lane about five feet into the garden, then it retreats back, walks sideways to the next lane, and then proceeds to oil it. Continues down the whole alley until the operator unplugs it. Des Moines Bowling Center ------------------------- 10300 Hickman Road, Des Moines, Iowa 50322; 278-2442 Prices: M-F 9am to 5pm ... $2.10 adults ($1.85 youth) Evenings, Sundays, Holidays ... $2.45 Shoe Rental: $1.50 Number of Lanes: 36 Brunswick lanes Computerized: No Food Specials: Soda pops for $0.80/$1.00; cheese dogs for $1.40 Check out Jamie Lea's ... they have subs, club sandwiches, 1/4 lb. turkey/ham/roast beef/corned beef and swiss sandwiches Leisure Lanes and Family Restaurant ----------------------------------- 4811 L-Street, Omaha, Nebraska; 733-4800 Prices: Adults ... $1.75, Juniors/Seniors ... $1.35 Bumper bowling ... $1.90 Flat rate of $10 per hour per lane Shoe Rental: $1.00 Number of Lanes: 36 AMF lanes Computerized: AMF AccuScore system Extra Frames: $0.25 each, added to the bill when you're done Food Specials: Soda pops for $0.99/$1.25/$1.50; their BLT sandwiches are good ($2.75); hamburger $2.25, cheeseburger $2.60 West Lanes ---------- 151 North 72nd Street, Omaha, Nebraska; 556-3344 Prices: M-F until 6pm ... $1.75 Evenings, Weekends, Holidays ... $2.18 Shoe Rental: $1.00 Number of Lanes: 24 Brunswick lanes Computerized: AMF AccuScore system AMF/King Louie Northland ------------------------ 217 N.E. Vivion Road, Kansas City, Missouri; (816) 454-BOWL Prices: M-F until 5:30pm ... $2.25 Evenings, Weekends, Holidays ... $2.60 Sometimes have specials on Sundays and Mondays Number of Lanes: 32 brunswick AstroLines Computerized: Brunswick 2000 automatic scoring systems Food Specials: Soda pops for $0.95/$1.39; Tater tots are great for $0.95 Fish sandwich $2.05 Etc.: 7 pool tables, huge arcade room Gladstone Bowl -------------- 300 N.W. 72nd Street, Gladstone, Missouri 64118; 436-2695 Prices: M-F until 5pm ... $1.75 Sunday 9am to noon ... $1.10 Evenings, Weekends ... $2.25 Shoe Rental: $1.25 Number of Lanes: 24 Brunswick AstroLines Computerized: No Food Specials: Sodas are $0.84/$0.94/$1.64; they have a lot of great breakfast food (bacon/eggs, toast/jelly, etc.) as well as classic snacks, sandwiches, etc. NKC Pro Bowl ------------ 505 E. 18th Avenue, North Kansas City, Missouri; 221-8844 Prices: M-F before 6pm ... $2.00 Evenings, Weekends, Holidays ... $2.50 Note: Pre-pay policy if not a league player - the lanes shut off when the games are completed Shoe Rental: $1.25 Number of Lanes: 48 Brunswick AstroLines Computerized: Brunswick 2000 scoring system Food Specials: Soda pops are $0.65/$1.00, incl. strawberry soda and RC Etc.: Huge arcade room; Bowler's Emporium Pro Shop; Palm Beach Cantina; 11 pool tables; full restaurant-type grill AMF/King Louie Strike and Spare ------------------------------- 13001 Hwy. 40, Independence, Missouri 64055; 356-1900 Prices: M-F before 2:30pm ... $2.25 plus tax M-F between 2:30pm and 5:30pm ... $1.49 plus tax Evenings, Weekends, Holidays ... $2.60 plus tax Youth and Seniors ... $1.90 plus tax Shoe Rental: $1.50 Number of Lanes: 32 Brunswick lanes Computerized: AMF AccuScore with graphical shot preview Etc.: The house balls are color-coded by weight (a specific color for each weight), and are stored together (thus, all of the 14-pound balls are together). Furthermore, the grip sizes are marked (small, medium, large). Higginsville Bowl ----------------- 2105 Pine, Higginsville, Missouri; 584-2123 Number of Lanes: 6 Brunswick lanes Computerized: No Etc.: The proprietor claims that Higginsville Bowl is the second oldest indoor bowling facility in America. The mechanical pin machines installed around 1956, and the building itself is over 100 years old. I found this place on the way to Confederate Park memorial/tourist trap attraction (but never did end up making it to the museum, however). West County Lanes ----------------- 15727 Manchester Road, Ellisville, Missouri 63011; 227-1469 (west of St. Louis) Prices: M-F 9am to 5pm ... $2.00 Evenings, Weekends, Holidays ... $2.50 Note: Pre-pay policy if not a league player - the lanes shut off when the games are completed Shoe Rental: $1.50 Number of Lanes: 24 Brunswick lanes Computerized: Brunswick 2000 AccuScore system Food Specials: Sodas are $1.00; the polish dogs are good ($1.50), and the $5.25 pizzas come with a variety of toppings St. Clair Bowl -------------- 5950 Old Collinsville Road, Illinois; 632-2400 (east of St. Louis) Prices: M-F until 6pm ... $1.90 (Seniors ... $1.75) Evenings, Weekends, Holidays ... $2.25 (Seniors ... $2.00) Tuesday special from 1pm to 5pm ... $1.00 League bowlers special rate of $1.50 at all times Shoe Rental: $1.50 Number of Lanes: 50 Brunswick lanes Computerized: Brunswick 2000 AccuScore system Food Specials: Sodas are $0.60/$0.90; the chicken breast sandwich is good ($1.85), and the cod fish sandwich is fine ($1.75) Etc.: Huge token-operated arcade room with prize tickets that are cashed in at the prize counter for misc. junk Features the Island Oasis lounge/restaurant upstairs The alley is dark, and there's not a lot of seating or lounge areas around the lanes Bel-Air Bowl ------------ 1703 North Belt West, Belleville, Illinois 62223-5010; (618) 233-1703 (east of St. Louis) Prices: M-F before 6pm ... $1.85 Evenings, weekends, holidays ... $2.25 League bowlers ... $1.50 (junior league bowlers ... $1.00) Number of Lanes: 24 Brunswick lanes Computerized: Brunswick AS-90 scoring system Food Specials: Sodas $0.65/$0.95; the mozzarella sticks are good ($3.75) Etc.: Moderate-sized arcade room Panorama Lanes -------------- 200 South Belt West, Belleville, Illinois; 234-2511 (east of St. Louis) Prices: M-Sat until 6pm ... $1.75 (Seniors, Juniors ... $1.40) Evenings, Sundays, Holidays ... $2.10 (Seniors, Juniors ... $1.75) League bowlers ... $1.00 Shoe Rental: $1.00 Number of Lanes: 32 AMF Sure-Pik lanes Computerized: No Food Specials: Panorama Service Bar has sodas for $0.65/$0.80/$1.00 The Arbor Restaurant features meat loaf, yankee pot roast, fried chicken, mini-tacos, toasted ravioli, etc. Raceway Lanes ------------- 4503 W. 16th Street, Speedway, Indiana 46222; (317) 241-2561 Prices: M-F 9am to 6pm ... $1.39 Sat, Sun 10am to 6pm ... $1.59 Sun-Thurs 6pm to close ... $1.59 Other evenings ... $2.09 Shoe Rental: $1.35 Number of Lanes: 48 AMF lanes Computerized: Brunswick 2000 scoring system Food Specials: OK Corral sells value meals (fish, chicken, bbq, 1/4 lb. burgers, with fries and 16oz soda) for around $3.75 Etc.: Keith Buther's Pro-Line Bowling Supply is the pro shop Sunset Bowl ----------- 9525 Crawfordsville Road, Indianapolis, Indiana 46234; (317) 291-5333 Prices: M-F before 5pm ... $1.60 Evenings, Weekends, Holidays ... $2.10 Shoe Rental: $1.25 Number of Lanes: 16 AMF Sure-Pik lanes Computerized: Brunswick 2000 AS-90 scoring system Food Specials: Routine bar and grill-type facilities Etc.: Four pool tables; small arcade room Western Bowl ------------ 6441 W. Washington Street, Indianapolis, Indiana 46241; (317) 247-4426 (I-465 + US 40/W. Washington exit) Prices: M-F 8:30am to 1:30pm ... $2.00 M-F 1:30pm to 5:30pm, and Sundays until 1pm ... $1.25 Evenings, Weekends, Holidays ... $2.40 Shoe Rental: $1.50 (juniors $0.75) Number of Lanes: 80 Brunswick AstroLine lanes Computerized: AMF AccuScore system Extra Frames: $0.25 each, added to the bill when you're done Food Specials: Soda pops are $0.90/$1.10/$1.45; mozzarella sticks $2.40 and the fish platter is good at $3.95 Etc.: Kegler's Old 40 Corral is a cool restaurant/lounge; The Arcade Round-Up is a large arcade room; 6 pool tables; 2 lounge areas and a meeting room. Don Mitchell Pro Shop. The front desk is like a hotel front counter, complete with blue jackets and name plates. Expo Lanes ---------- I-465 and S. Emerson, Indianapolis, Indiana Prices: M-F until 1pm ... $2.00 M-F 1pm to 5:30pm, Sunday until 1pm ... $1.25 Evenings, Weekends, Holidays ... $2.40 Number of Lanes: 40 + 40 Brunswick lanes (back-to-back, split in half) Computerized: AMF AccuScore system Extra Frames: $0.25 each, added to the bill when you're done Etc.: The usual food stuff, and all of the extras you'd come to expect from an 80-lane alley (arcade room, pool hall) Poelking Lanes South -------------------- 8871 Kingsridge Drive, Centerville, Ohio 45458; (513) 435-3855 (south of Dayton) Prices: Regular open ... $2.50, Holidays ... $2.50 Juniors M-Sat until 5pm ... $1.80 Seniors M-Sat until 5pm ... $1.20 Ladies Mon and Thurs from noon until 5pm ... $1.80 Shoe Rental: $1.25 Number of Lanes: 52 Brunswick lanes Computerized: Brunswick 2000 scoring system Food specials: Soda pops for $0.70/$1.00; Ron's Pizza House has good pizza, sandwiches, spaghetti, etc. Troy Bowl --------- 1530 McKaig Avenue, Troy, Ohio; (513) 339-3315 (north of Dayton, south of Toledo) Prices: Daytime ... $1.85 Evenings (after 6pm) ... $2.00 Shoe Rental: $0.75 Number of Lanes: 18 AMF lanes Computerized: AMF AccuScore system Etc.: They have a small deli-type counter for food and sodas Al-Mar Lanes ------------ 1010 N. Main Street, Bowling Green, Ohio 43402; 352-4637 Prices: Mon, Wed, Fri 11am to 5pm ... $1.25 Tues, Thurs 11am to 5pm ... $0.75 M-F after 5pm, Weekends ... $2.00 Shoe Rental: $1.25 Number of Lanes: 16 Brunswick lanes Computerized: Brunswick 2000 scoring system Etc.: They have one pool table, and a standard bar/grill type place for sodas and snacks %e *EOA* %t Cats And Dogs %n 2R62 %s Cats Are The True "Best Friend" Of Humanity %a Bryan J. Maloney (orlanth@io.com) %d 19940224 %x Radio %x Antigravity, The Feline Butterology Theory %i Dogs and Cats %i FIV %i FAIDS %i AIDS %i HIV %i Man's Best Friend %e Humans, the dominant species of the planet Sol III, Orion Arm, are remarkably less intelligent than their apparently ascendent status might lead one to believe. Take, for example the common human phrase "Dog is man's best friend." First, this phrase is quite misleading in its choice of words, as any rational reader would come to the conclusion that this "dog" (_canis domesticus_ L.) is somehow preferentially attracted to adult males of the human species. Nothing could be further from the truth, as "Man" in this case is meant to mean all members of the species _homo sapiens_ regardless of their gender or age. The fact that humans seem not to be in the least bit perturbed by this linguistic blunder only underscores the species's general lack of good sense. However, this is not the only way in which the human mind is capable of enshrining lack of intelligence. The fact that this particular statement is repeated so often and is so often believed is proof positive that something behind the scenes, as it were, must be going on to place humans in their role on their home planet. For dispassionate examination of the situations of humans and other creatures would lead one to believe that dogs, while individually often on friendly terms with humans, are as a collective not as friendly as might be supposed. For example, it is well known, even among humans, that a common source of the dangerous disease "rabies" is a bite from an infected dog. Dogs are also common carriers of parasites dangerous to humans. While many might dismiss these facts as "coincidences," an observer might come to the conclusion that what appears to be "friendship" on the part of "dog" towards "man" may, in fact, be a cunning species-wide ingratiation program. What species, then, would better qualify as the "best friend" of humanity? Recent discoveries made by the humans leads one to believe that the "cat" (_felis catus_, L.) may better deserve this title. The reason for this conclusion is that humanity found itself confronted with a very perplexing and fatal medical disorder, which they named "AIDS" (although it only "aids" humans in their progress towards the grave). This syndrome was characterized in the early-to-middle 1980s ("AD" Terran annuation system) and was ultimately assigned to be an eventual result of a virus that was given the name "human immunodeficiency virus" or HIV. Feline immunodeficiency virus (FIV) is the causative agent of a feline acquired immune deficiency syndrome (FAIDS) that was discovered in 1986 in southern California (Pedersen et al, 1987; Yamamoto et al, 1988). The associated infection tends to have a long asymptomatic seropositive stage followed by clinical illness. Clinical signs include fever, lymphadenopathy, diarrhea, wasting, opportunistic infection, neurological disorder, and neoplasia, especially lymphoma, myoproliferative disease, and various cytopenias including anemia, lymphopenia, and leukopenia (which may not be due to the activity of FIV alone) neoplasia, especially lymphoma and myoproliferative disease, (Hutson et al, 1991; Moraillon et al, 1992; Pedersen et al, 1989a, b; Shelton et al 1991). Neoplastic effects of HIV infection seem to be enhanced with concurrent FeLV infection (Hutson et al, 1991; Shelton et al 1991). Clinical immunological effects include inversion of neutrophil to lymphocyte cell ratio (Moraillon et al, 1992), probably due to preferential infection of CD4 cells over CD8 cells, as clinical studies demonstrated a reduction in CD4 but not CD8 lymphocytes (Tompkins, et al, 1991; Ackley et al, 1990; Barlough, et al, 1991, Hoffmann-Fezer et al, 1992). Interestingly, unspayed seropositive female cats showed significantly higher CD4 counts and CD4/CD8 ratios than did males or spayed females (Hoffmann- Fezer et al, 1992). In vitro studies have demonstrated that FIV infected CD4 and CD8 T-lymphocytes and macrophages. However, different isolates showed different relative affinities for each type of cell (Brown et al, 1991, Tokunaga et al, 1992). Macrophage function is also altered in vitro in FIV infection (Lin and Bowman 1992). Isolates of FIV have shown differences in vitro for adaptability to various cell lines and cell-type tropisms (Kawaguchi, et al, 1991). FIV has been found on five continents (Bandecchi et al, 1992; O'Connor et al, 1991; Olmstead et al, 1992; Sukura et al, 1992; Yamamoto et al, 1989). Percentages of infection range from 7.4%-8% in indoor pets and 25% in free-roaming cats in the United States (O'Conner et al, 1991; Yamamoto et al, 1989), 24% in free-roaming cats in Italy (Bandecchi et al, 1992), and 6.8% in Finland for free-roaming cats (Sukura et al, 1992). Feline leukemia virus (FeLV) infection appears to accompany FIV infection in a large percentage of these cases (Bandecchi et al, 1992; O'Connor et al, 1991; Olmstead et al, 1992; Sukura et al, 1992; Yamamoto et al, 1989). In wild feline species, seropositivity to FIV or FIV-related viruses is as high as 80%. However, these free-ranging large cats appear to be free of pathologic signs (Olmstead et al, 1992). Protein studies (Steinman et al, 1990, Kiyomasu et al, 1991) sequence analysis (Olmstead et al, 1989), and deletion mutant analysis (Morikawa and Bishop, 1992) demonstrate that FIV is a lentivirus (the same viral sub- family which contains HIV) in that it possesses the classical lentivirus genome arrangement of a 5' long terminal repeat, rev, gag, pol, and env genes with small open reading frames (vif, etc.) between the pol and env genes (Clements and Wong-Stall, 1992, Coffin, 1990; Narayan and Clements, 1990). However, genome arrangement and phylogenetic analysis of various gene products indicate a closer genetic relationship to the ungulate lentiviruses than to currently identified hominoid (human and simian) immunodeficiency viruses (Olmstead et al, 1989, 1992). Nevertheless, clinical signs of FIV infection are closer to those of the hominoid viruses in their native hosts than to the ungulate viruses in their native hosts (Fenner et al, 1987). While work is going on to elucidate the disease mechanisms for HIV, the information to be derived from this work, however valuable, will be limited by the fact that an adequate animal model that manifests clinical signs similar to human AIDS has yet to be discovered or engineered for HIV. FIV, on the other hand, produces a clinical syndrome much like human AIDS (CDC, 1987; Hirsch and Curran, 1990). Elucidation of the pathways of FIV pathogenesis could permit design of drugs to block these pathways that could then be more readily tested upon animals manifesting clinical disease than could drugs derived from work directly upon HIV. Furthermore, domestic cats are cheaper and easier to care for than are chimpanzees and maqacques currently used for HIV and HIV-related research (not to mention the fact that felis catus is hardly an endangered or threatened species). It is true that the somewhat distant relationship between FIV and HIV might pose some difficulties in directly transporting data back and forth. However, using FIV as a model for the human disease will better permit workers to gauge problems such as relative host toxicity of treatments derived from information on assembly and packaging, collateral non-toxic host effects of such treatments, etc. with more confidence than permitted by the limited trials in animals that do not manifest immune deficiency signs. Now, one would think that the "best friend" of "man" would have leapt into the breach and developed a disease that could have been used to model such a feared human malady. However, it seems that the much-maligned cat has instead taken this role. Perhaps humanity might prove some vestige of intelligence if they are able to take notice of this noble self-sacrifice on the part of this small animal. References ---------- Ackley, C.D., Yamamoto, J.K., Levy, N., Pedersen, N.C., Cooper, M.D. 1990. Immunologic abnormalities in pathogen-free cats experimentally infected with feline immunodeficiency virus. J. Virol. 64:5652-5655 Bandecchi, P., Matteucci, D., Baldinotti, F., Guidi, G., Abramo, F., Tozzini, F., and Bendinelli, M. 1992. Prevalence of feline immunodeficiency virus and other retroviral infections in sick cats in Italy. Vet. Immunol. Immonopath. 31:337-345 Brown, W.C., Bissey, L., Logan, K.S., Pedersen, N.C., Elder, J.H., and Collison, E.W. 1991. Feline Immunodefieincy virus infects both CD4+ and CD8+ T lymphocytes. J. Virol. 65:3359-3364 CDC. 1987. Classification system for human T-lymphotropic virus type III/lymphadenopathy-associated virus infections. MMWR. 35:334-339. Clements, J.E., and Wong-Stall, F. 1992. Molecular biology of lentiviruses (review). Seminars in Virology. 3:137-146. Coffin, J.M. 1990. Retroviridae and their replication (review). In Fields, B.N., and Knipe, D.M. (ed) Virology. pp 1437-1489. Raven Press. New York. Fenner, F., Bachmann, P.A., Gibbs, E.P.J., Murphy, F.A., Studdert, M.J., White, D.O. 1987. Diseases caused by lentiviruses. In Veterinary Virology, pp569-576. Academic Press, Inc. New York. Hoffmann-Fezer, G., Thum, J., Ackley, C., Herbold, M., Mysliwietz, J., Thefeld, S., Hartmann, K., and Kraft, W. 1992. Decline in CD4+ cell numbers in cats with naturally acquired feline immunodeficiency virus infection. J. Virol. 66:1484-1488 Hutson, C.A., Rideout, B.A., and Pedersen, N.C. 1991. Neoplasia associated with feline immunodeficiency virus infection in cats of southern California. JAVMA. 199:1357-1362 Kawaguchi, Y., Maeda, K., Tohya, Y., Furuya, T., Miyazawa, T., Horimoto, T., Norimine, J., Kai, C., Mikami, T. 1992. Replicative differences in early- passage feline brain cells among feline immunodeficiency virus isolates. Kiyomasu, T., Miyazawa, T., Furuya, T., Shibata, R., Sakai, H., Sakuragi, J- I., Fukasawa, M., Maki, N., Hasegawa, A., Mikami, T., and Adachi, A. 1991. Identification of feline immunodeficiency virus rev gene activity. J. Virol. 65:4539-4542 Lin, D-S., and Bowman, D.D. 1992. Macrophage functions in cats experimentally infected with feline immunodeficiency virus and Toxoplasma gondii. Vet. Immunol. and Immonopath. 33:39-78 Moraillon, A., Barre-Sinoussi, F., Parodi, A., Moraillon, R., and Dauguet, C. 1992. In vitro properties and experimental pathogenic effect of three strains of feline immunodeficiency viruses (FIV) isolated from cats with terminal disease. Vet. Microbiol. 31:41-54 Morikawa, S., and Bishop, D.H.L. 1992. Identification and analysis of the gag-pol ribosomal frameshift site of feline immunodeficiency virus. Virology. 186:389-397 Narayan, O. and Clements, J.E. 1990. Lentiviruses (review). In Fields, B.N., and Knipe, D.M. (ed) Virology. pp 1571-1585. Raven Press. New York. O'Connor, T.P., Tonellin, Q.J., and Scarlett, J.M. 1991. Report of the national FeLV/FIV awareness project. JAVMA. 199:1348-1353 Olmstead, R.A., Hirsch, V.A., Purcell, R.H., and Johnson, P.R. 1989. Nucleotide sequence analysis of feline immunodeficiency virus: genome organization and relationship to other lentiviruses. Proc. Natl. Acad. Sci. USA. 86:8088-8092 Olmstead, R.A., Langley, R., Roelke, M.E., Goeke, R.M., Adger-Johnson, D., Goff, J.P., Packer, C., Laurenson, M.K., Caro, T.M., Scheepers, L., Wildt, D.E., Bush, M., Martenson, J.S., and O'Brien, S.J. 1992. Worldwide prevalence of lentivirus infection in wild feline species: epidemiologic and phylogenetic aspects. J. Virol. 66:6008-6018. Pedersen, N.C., Ho, E.W., Brown, M.L., and Yamamoto, J.K. 1987. Isolation of a T-lomphotrophic virus from domestic cats with an immunodeficiency-like syndrom. Science. 253:790-793 Shelton, G.H., Linenberger, M.L., and Abkowitz, J.L. 1991. Hematologic abnormalities in cats seropositive for feline immunodeficiency virus. JAVMA. 199:1353-1357 Steinman, R., Dombrowski, J. O'Connor, T., Motelaro, R.C., Tonelli, Q., Lawrence, K., Seymour, C., Goodness, J., Pedersen, N.C., and Andersen, P.R. 1990. Biochemical and immunological characterization of the major structural proteins of feline immunodeficiency virus. J. Gen. Virol. 71:701-706 Sukura, A., Salminen, T., and Lindberg L.A. 1992. A survey of FIV antibodies and FeLV antigens in free-roaming cats in the capital area of finland. Acta. Vet. Scand. 33:9-14 Tokunaga, K., Nishini, Y., Oikawa, H., Ishihara, C., Mikami, T., and Ikuta, K. 1992. Altered cell tropism and cytopathology of feline immunodeficiency viruses in two different feline CD4-Positive, CD8-negative cell lines. Tompkins, M.B., Nelson, P. D., English, R.V., and Novotny, C. 1991. Early events in the immunopathogenesis of feline retrovirus infections. JAVMA. 199:1311-1315 Yamamoto, J. K., Ackley, C.D., Zochlinski, H., Louie, H., Pembroke, E., Torten, M., Hansen, H., Munn, R., Okuda, T. 1991. Development of IL-2 independent feline lymphoid cell lines chronically infected with feline immunodeficiency virus: importance for diagnostic reagents and vaccines. Intervirology. 32:361-375. Yamamoto, J.K., Okuda, T., Ackley, C.D., Louie, H., Pembroke, E., Zochlinski, H., Munn, R.J., and Gardner, M.B., 1991. Experimental vaccine protection against feline immunodeficiency virus. AIDS Res. Hum. Retrovir. 7:911-921. %e *EOA* %t Cambridge, England, UK, Earth %n 2R63 %s A University Town %a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (alexmc@biccdc.co.uk) %d 19940204 %i Bicycles Versus Pedestrians %e Cambridge is not a city for car drivers. The ring road is OK but the centre of town is geared towards pedestrians and bicyclists. Both tourists and students are renown for this form of transport. Bicycle lanes abound and take away valuable road surface from cars. Cambridge has a "park and ride" scheme for bussing motorists into town from car parks from the edge of town. A recent scheme for public transport involved "The Green Bike" scheme. In this project bikes were provided by the city council and left unlocked - free for anyone's use. The only condition was that the bikes would be left for use by the next person when you finished with them. Needless to say, all the bikes were stolen within a few days. The Pubs: These almost all have boat or some river term in their name. Ask friendly locals for their opinion on the quality of your preferred beverage in a pub before going in. There are real ale pubs and cider pubs, but I have yet to come across a lager pub. One such pub is the "Boathouse." The "Old Speckled Hen" is recommended by a bitter drinking friend. I wouldn't touch it as the head looked like it was made from washing up liquid. The balls of the pinball machine ("The Twilight Zone") got stuck quite regularly. It was worth it just to see the boss reset the machine and watch the table hunt for the lost ball and then replace it when it couldn't find it. Shops: Cambridge is heaven for a book buyer. (On par with London's Charing Cross Road). Cambridge is also renown for its antiquities. Players of the Hitchhiker's Guide adventure game will be pleased to know that there is a junk shop called "My Auntie Had One But She Threw It Away." There are several emerging high technology companies to work for. None of the many people I know who live in Cambridge dislike living there. Rhodri James (Rhodri/S=James/O=SJ-Research/ADMD=INTERSPAN/C=GB/@mhs-relay.ac.uk) writes: In fact the centre of town is mostly geared for pedestrians, as anyone attempting to cycle through the Market Square will find out to their cost. Bikes are banned from 10am to 6pm, i.e. whenever anyone might possibly want to go back to college from lectures or out again after lunch. It seems that people complain about big, dangerous bicycles running them down on the nice brick- surfaced streets (sigh, why did they have to make it *look* pedestrianised?) when they waddle out into the middle of the road without looking. Aside from the fact that no self-respecting cyclist would allow himself to do anything so dangerous as collide with a pedestrian (that *hurts*!), people are now finding it really quite difficult to get near the colleges. The council are therefore considering allowing nice, quiet, safe busses back into the area, because of course they wouldn't run anyone down. You can probably guess my opinion on the matter. %e *EOA* %t Hemel Hempstead, Hertfordshire, England, UK, Earth %n 2R64 %s An English New Town %a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (alexmc@biccdc.co.uk) %d 19940131 %x Watford, London, England, UK, Earth %p 2R64_1.gif Simplified map of Hemel Hempstead's Magic Roundabout %e This new town is at Junction 9 up the M1 motorway. It is south of Luton and north of Watford. As is common in English new towns, Hemel Hempstead is inflicted by a plague of roundabouts. The most famous of these is the "Magic Roundabout" of Hemel, second only to the legendary town of Milton Keynes into whose road system many brave travellers have ventured, never to return. The Magic Roundabout is made up from six little roundabouts arranged in a hexagon, with short roads linking them. Five major roads lead to and from the Magic Roundabout. (The sixth was unaccountably closed off). This cunning device does seem to keep traffic moving but it is a bit stressful trying to get onto and off of it, both undamaged and at the right exit. There are no recommended Pubs or nightspots in Hemel and the cinema is a Bingo hall four times a week instead of a cinema. I have yet to meet someone who likes living there. Hemel Hempstead has two large industrial parks which house sites for various companies including 3Com, UniPlex, Dell, and BICC, my current employer. Disclaimer: My employers do not share my views and I don't speak for them. %e *EOA* %t High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire, England, UK, Earth %n 2R65 %s "Happiness Is High Wycombe (In Your Rear-View Mirror)" - Anon. %a Mark Grant (mark@unicorn.com) %d 19940303 %x Hell %x Boredom %x Earth %e Looking for sun, sand, surf, and wild women? Well, you've sure come to the wrong place.... High Wycombe is a medium-sized town about forty miles north-west of central London, which grew up around the A40 when that was the main road from London to Oxford (and which has now, in most respects, been replaced by the M40 motorway). The town has good rail links into London, hence many people commute in to work there every day, but attempting to get to anywhere other than London without a car is horrific. Wycombe is famous for absolutely nothing, but used to be a large producer of furniture, or was it carpets, or something else? Well, whatever it was, all the factories were closed down long ago. Today, its main product is boredom. The best thing to do if you should ever arrive in High Wycombe is to leave straight away. If offered, do not under any circumstances accept a job in High Wycombe - if you do so without taking appropriate precautions you are likely to find yourself falling under the Curse of Wycombe, which will prevent you ever leaving again. (If you think the following suggestions are dull, you ought to try living here for a while.) Interesting things to see in and around High Wycombe ---------------------------------------------------- 1) To the West of High Wycombe is the small village of West Wycombe (imaginative or what?), where atop the hill is the Dashwood Family Mausoleum and West Wycombe church. The church is unusual in having a sphere on top of the spire instead of a cross, and there are many tales of bizarre goings on here in the eighteenth century. Under the hill are the West Wycombe caves, where, as at Medmenham Abbey, the Dashwood family and guests (a.k.a. "The Hellfire Club") used to engage in orgies (sadly, nothing like that happens here today). Rumour has it that Benjamin Franklin stopped by for a quick orgy on several occasions, and that the Hawaii was relinquished as a British possession because Lord Sandwich (inventor of, you guessed it, the sandwich), was too busy indulging his carnal instincts here to deal with his duties as head of the Admiralty. 2) Visit the central car park late at night and watch the boy-racers. 3) Visit the Lane End Chinese take-away, the only one I know of in the country that sells 'Sweet-and-sour Quorn' and similar dishes. Interesting things to do in High Wycombe ---------------------------------------- 1) Hang around the Kebab vans late at night, and meet many interesting local people (see also 5). 2) See how quickly you can drive from one side of town to the other. As High Wycombe seems to have the most bizarre traffic light programming in the world, and since it is impossible to get from one side to the other on the motorway, this is a major challenge, involving much high speed driving down back streets, and early in the morning, often a milk- float slalom. 3) A subset of the above suggestion is to drive round the Handey Cross roundabout - this is an exciting road junction where the M40, the A404 dual carriageway, and several small local roads meet. Originally a roundabout, the council added traffic lights due to the large number of accidents, and one entertaining local pass time is to try to get across the roundabout from the Marlow end of the A404 to the Wycombe end without being stopped by the lights - I think it should be possible at about 67 mph, but have yet to have an opportunity to test this theory without having someone get in the way. Note, however, that the council will be rebuilding the junction for the third time in a year or two, this time moving the entire motorway a few miles to the south at a cost of some forty million pounds. Well, hopefully it's third time lucky.... 4) Attempt to drive across town at 3 am in an old, rusty car without being stopped by the police. Alternatively, see how many times you can be stopped by the police on one trip across town without getting a ticket. 5) Get beaten up (see also 1). 6) Walk around near the Wycombe Wanderers football ground at the beginning or end of a match and shout out "Wycombe Wanderers are crap" or words to that effect. See also 5. 7) Wander around the centre of town until stopped by one of the numerous market research people who are always on the prowl and talk complete bollocks in an attempt to skew the poll results. 8) Walk up and down the streets in one of the many housing estates and pretend that you're climbing Mount Everest. You can also marvel at the ability of builders to sell houses that are built on a hill with a slant of thirty degrees or more, and the imaginative street names such as Everest Road, Tensing Crescent, etc. 9) Leave (the recommended option). Pubs in High Wycombe -------------------- About the only good thing that can be said for the town is that it does have a few reasonable pubs. Some that you might try are the Bell (in the centre of town), where one night a week they hold a 'nightclub' night with probably the smallest dance floor in the known universe, the Dereham Arms, hidden just off of the A40 on the way into London, the Hobgoblin in the town centre, the King George V on London Road, or the Rose and Crown off of Desborough Road (though the last time I was there someone got beaten up on the street outside). There are a large number of interesting pubs out in the country around the town, so if you have a car you can try driving around and stopping at the first one you like the look of. In West Wycombe is one good pub whose name I forget, off the south side of the A40 in the middle of town, with an excitingly small entrance to the car park behind, the Ship in Cadmore End isn't bad for beer, but is pretty small and quiet. Nightclubs in High Wycombe -------------------------- There are a few aside from the Bell, but are probably best avoided unless you're into knife fights. Eating in High Wycombe ---------------------- Wycombe has numerous chinese take-aways and fish and chip shops (mostly around Desborough road), all of which are a similar price and the food is edible. The more adventurous might like to try the kebab vans, but foreign visitors should ensure that they have adequate medical insurance before doing so (I'd recommend the chicken kebabs from 'Halal Doner Kebabs', which hangs around near the village pond in Lane End late at night). There are also a number of Indian restaurants of varying quality, and friends and acquaintances have eaten at several of them and lived to tell the tale. Personal choice would be the Shaheen Tandoori off the London Road to the east of the station, the only Indian place I've eaten at more than once. Otherwise, Oxford is only a short trip up the M40 (typically a fifteen minute drive followed by an hour looking for a parking space, at least for those of us too stingy to pay for car parking). Hitchhiking from Wycombe to Oxford is not recommended, I once picked up a hitch-hiker on that route who'd been waiting about six hours for a lift... Weather: Cold and wet. Best time to visit: Never. Best time to leave: Now. %e *EOA* %t Oxford University Speculative Fiction Group (OUSFG) %n 2R66 %s A Society For Strange People %a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (alexmc@biccdc.co.uk) %d 19940205 %i Science Fiction %i Talking Heads %i Alcohol %e OUSFG is the science fiction, fantasy, and other related fiction club of Oxford University. Depending on how thick your skin is, you might like to avoid members in large numbers. The "Road to Nowhere" Ceremony: ----------------------------- When in a group, these mammals perform a strange ritual which I choose to call the "Road to Nowhere" Ceremony. This is triggered by certain audio stimuli: a Scot pretending to be American, and electric guitars; and an oral stimulant: alcohol. Upon hearing this sound all OUSFG members within earshot jump up and link arms and proceed to bounce up and down in a faintly rhythmic fashion whilst attempting to destroy the floor, the walls, and the bones of anyone else in the room who does not have the common sense to get out of the way fast. Most dances involve some sort of mating ritual, however none applies here. The singer David Byrne has yet to write a song that could be considered romantic. His first - and possibly most well known song - was called "Psycho Killer." This is not a love song [1]. I have devised a behavioural anthropology experiment: I intend to play "Road to Nowhere" whilst driving OUSFG members in my car. My car is _not_ a convertible. Banquet: -------- This is a Dinner Jacket and Bow Tie affair in one of the Dining Halls of one of the colleges of Oxford. Last year it was Worcester College on Beaumont Road. I had visited this college whilst still at school. I saw a professor with a pinball machine. Unfortunately, Oxford does not have a computing course (though many students may disagree with me). Another pointless tradition is the passing around of menus. Each menu is passed round the entire table and you are expected to write some witty comment to remind people of the great occasion. I failed. Stroh: ------ A fundamental part of the alcohol-imbibing traditions of OUSFG members is the consumption of Stroh. I am unable to tell you what is actually in Stroh, but suffice to say that it is over 80% alcohol [2]. When put in the mouth, it evaporates before reaching the throat. Do not hold Stroh in the mouth for too long as this burns. (Stroh is Austrian Rum, and brown in colour.) Virtual Punt Party: ------------------- This is quite a pleasant experience, being a picnic by the river together with punts (punts are small boats which you stand up in and push along with the aid of a long pole.) Unfortunately, in a similar fashion to garlic bread, there are never enough punts [5]. Sometimes there are none at all, resulting in a virtual punt party. Traditionally, a play is performed by members of OUSFG, written by a member of OUSFG. The script to the play is distributed just before the performance so that the cast does not lose that "fresh" quality. [1] "This is Not a Love Song" is in fact by John Lydon of Public Image Limited - ex of the Sex Pistols. [2] 80% alcohol classes Stroh as a dangerous drug in the UK, and so I would like to point out that _no_ member of OUSFG drinks Stroh in the UK, but only in those countries in which it is legal. This of course results in large numbers of backpacking holidays to Europe... [3] Abbey Road, by the Beatles. [4] It is fun reading the footnotes, isn't it? [5] This is derived from a quote by Alex Stewart, science fiction author, who once told me "There is never enough garlic bread." I feel he spoke a truth. %e *EOA* %t Jumping Off Cliffs And Other High Places %n 2R67 %s How To And How Not To Use Jumping As A Means Of Transportation %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940208 %i Suicide %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %x Life After Death %x Antigravity, The Feline Butterology Theory %x Gravity %x Walking Through Mountains %x Flying %x New York City, New York, USA, Earth %e There are several reasons people have for jumping off cliffs, tall buildings, and the like. One is that they may be tired of life. Jumping then is a certain way to end it (except if you're a cat or a bird, but I don't really expect birds to read this article, or for that matter, to contemplate committing suicide). Jumping is OK if you're tired of life and want to stop it all. But take care: if you intend to end your life on this Earth in order to move on to another, you are seriously mistaken. There is no other life. The one you are in now *is* the Life After Death. Your previous (unknown) existence was the LIFE. So don't kill yourself for that reason. If you are falling after having jumped and your intention was not to kill yourself (but you tripped, got pushed, or had another reason to jump) the jump might even be quite amusing. For one, there is the magnificent view and the changing of perspective (merely talking about the optical one). But there is also the free-fall-feeling that one doesn't experience a lot during a lifetime. And then there's the free free-falling cinema: the story of your life. I expect that that film will be a bit less entertaining if your intention *was* to commit suicide. But on average: the higher you jump, the more entertaining the jump is. I doubt this is a very probable reason, but you could also want to jump and kill yourself for the purpose of taking someone specific with you in the process, i.e. to murder someone kamikaze-style. Here I have to warn you: aiming is almost impossible. I can't speak from experience, but common sense is enough. Especially in crowded regions like cities (where you are also likely to find some of those tall buildings), you are sure to take one or two other people with you without ever knowing who they are/were. Another reason for jumping is the misleading concept that people can fly without further help from machines or other contraptions. There have been lots of examples of flying people in comics and books, but remember this is only fiction! Even the idea of jumping and then getting distracted and missing the ground completely is fiction. The ground is an almost infinitely large target and you *will* hit it -- whether you are crazy and believe you are Superman or not makes no difference. Jumping off high places with special equipment (not just a red cape) will reduce the chances of death (death caused by severe gravity effects, that is). Jumping with a large elastic band tied to your body (and to something else, which can easily be forgotten), jumping with a parachute, hang-glider, jet pack, paraglider, and ultralight are even considered to be sports. As a means of transportation, ordinary jumping can not really be considered a different form of air travel. It is in fact just an unsuccessful variation to walking and a very tiring one too. That is, if you're not a frog or a kangaroo. You might accidentally be forced to this way of travel if you've propped both your legs in the same trouser leg. In this case it is easier to stop and get it right than to continue this action for the rest of the day. And then there is the easy help a jump can provide when changing between transportation modes. For instance, jumping on a train (not actually standing on top of a train doing some stupefying train-surfing, and during that trying to jump over the mountain of which you can rapidly see a tunnel approaching with a height too small for you to survive your antics [1], but walking or running and then stepping into a train. People might say not an actual jump is involved here, and that this is all just a question of semantics. They might be correct), jumping on a plane (not actually...), jumping on a bike (if this is not carried out with the utmost care an accident with some high-pitch wailing might result), or taking a running jump (what everyone who says this isn't a good example can do). Conclusion on jumping altogether: I don't think you really want to do this. Great buildings and cliffs to not jump off of: ---------------------------------------------- Rotterdam, the Netherlands, Earth has one nicely tall building in the centre (Nationale Nederlanden). Because there are hardly any high-rise buildings (yet, but they're sure to sprout soon because Rotterdam wants to present itself as a true metropolis), the view from the top must be magnificent. In Rotterdam there is also a thing called the Euromast, best translated as Europole (not to be confused with Europol, an entirely different thing altogether). This thing is made for taking a view from, so it will cost you. The Empire State Building, New York, New York, USA, Earth is a very good place to not jump from. For one, it has a lot of nets preventing you from jumping, but it also gives you a magnificent view of Manhattan and some more bits of New York. That is, provided it doesn't rain. The only time I've been on the Empire State Building was during a thunderstorm, so I'm not exactly the guy to recommend trying it. And I'm not a rain god either. Angel Point, Grand Canyon North Side, USA, Earth is also a fine point to not jump from. One could also try to not jump off of Mount Everest. It (controversially [2]), being the highest mountain on Earth, offers a magnificent view over the Himalayas. The trick in ascending again is indeed not to jump, for a small jump for man will result in sliding a long way down, occasionally hitting an empty can of Coca-Cola with your head and then slowly but inevitably tumbling off the edge of a cliff, never to be seen again by mankind. If *YOU* know of any nice places to not jump off of, please do not hesitate to write me, or better still, to write an article about it! [1] Unless you are familiar with the trick of one of the recreational impossibilities: walking through mountains. [2] Whether K2 or Mount Everest is the largest mountain on Earth mostly depends on the way of measurement. Is it the pressure of the atmosphere measured (at the top), or is the distance measured from the foot of the mountain with help of a measuring tape? %e *EOA* %t Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %n 2R68 %s Compendium Of Transportation Methods %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940311 %i Transportation %i Hitchhiking %x Paddle Boats %x Jumping Off Cliffs And Other High Places %e Hitchhiking is a phenomenon of all times. Depending how wide you take the definition of hitchhiking, almost everyone that ever existed has at least once in their life hitched a hike. Think, for instance, about the big migration of the nations. Of course lots of things have changed since those times. The further you go back in history, the smaller the variety and the smaller the number of ways to hitchhike there are. In those days travel was also a lot slower. Imagine for instance hitching a hike from a friendly peasant on his oxen-propelled cart. The world today shows us a tremendous variety of ways to travel, a very large amount of vehicles to do it with, and terrific speeds to do it by. Imagine hitching a hike for a few hundred metres on a jet propelled dragster. To explore as much as possible ways of transportation for today's hitch- hiker, to recognize a means of transportation when you see one, and to find out the properties of all of these methods from your comfortable chair, I have compiled the list that you will find below. As the means of transportation for the Earth-confined hitchhiker expand by the day, you are encouraged to add more and more to this list. We want to know what means of transportation we hadn't thought of yet, how comfortable they are, how fast and how far you can get with them, what your contribution to the travelling party will be, who you will meet using that means of transportation, and especially how much FUN you can have using this means of transportation. So enjoy and use the list below and write some stuff yourself! (Note that this is an excellent excuse to do all kinds of irresponsible things.) Land Travel ----------- Elevator Gets you from one floor to an arbitrary other. Elevators are noted to have their own character (programming). Wheelchair Never attempt to cross a desert in a wheelchair. In that case take a.... Sandbuggy Looks like toy telephone with wheels, except for the phone. Escalator Not really exiting. Only takes you from one floor to the next. Invent your own excitement, like getting stuck. Bicycle Pedal yourself around the world! Tricycle If you want to ride a bike but can't keep your balance. Motorbike How does one recognize the happy biker? Flies on his teeth. Bus Mostly no toilets in there; make sure you take a leak first. Japanese used to put prisoners of war on long bus rides with water dripping right next to the poor soldiers. Car Most common. Train Possible to do some train surfing. DUCK!!! Truck Various kinds. Example: Garbage Truck Walking Do you really want to do THIS? Water Travel ------------ Paddle Boats Hitler's nightmare. Raft Careful with sharp objects, i.e. earrings, staples, etc. Canoe Yes, they are very easy to tip over. Kayak The ancient ones did have hair. Speedboat Can go pretty fast, but it bumps a lot. Water Skis Without a speedboat you're nothing. Submarine A good test to see if you're claustrophobic. Too bad you can not get out if it becomes too much for you. Ship Jargon: hitchhiker = stow-away. Imagine a ship is a Vogon vessel and you've pretty well got the idea. Ferry The easy way. Unless there's going to be/has been a soccer match at your destination/the place you left (martial arts). Swimming Do you really want to do THIS? Air Travel ---------- Plane Difficult. Pretending to be luggage is not a good idea. There is hardly any other way to get on board without paying. Security is very strict at airports. Helicopter Go to a near mountain far from the civilized world. Break your leg. Getting out of the hospital is the difficult bit. Rocket Forget it! Ultralight Also frequently an ingredient of a large range of food products. Paraglider The adventures of James the Birdman. Canon Can get you a little bit further. Only then you=little bits. (Messy business). Don't believe Jules Verne. Missile (Nuclear). Can get you reasonably far provided you manage to avoid security n-times worse than on airports. To survive the journey: bring your own oxygen. To survive the landing: ??? Landing usually involves a great deal of spreading yourself over large areas and disintegrating. Flying Carpet Amazingly well-suited for imaginary journeys. Not so amazingly well-suited for about anything else. Jumping Do you really want to do THIS? %e *EOA* %t Latin, On The _Ad Hoc_ Use Of %n 2R69 %s How Sentences, That Were _A Priori_ Fine, Can Be Classically Garbled %a David McGregor Squire (squizz@cs.curtin.edu.au) %d 19940314 %i Latin %i Languages %e The first thing that must be done (lest it be thought that I have a secret agenda) in this article is to define some notation. Throughout this article, Latin words will be placed in italics. Since I am restricted to 7-bit ascii, this will be indicated by enclosing italicized words in underscores. For example, _exempli gratia_ is in italics. This formalism is necessary to prevent Latin from sneaking into the article incognito. Let me stress that I have nothing against Latin _qua_ Latin. It is a noble language, and indeed it is the root of approximately three-quarters of the English lexicon. In fact, there are quite a few words that are now considered to be English that have come straight from the Latin. An example is _exit_. In theatre scripts, one often sees the variant _exeunt omnes_, but then theatre people have always been noted for carrying on like all get out. Show me a playwright and I will show you an _ego_. I have no problem with the use of Latin _per se_. For example, how many people realize that by naming their dogs _Rex_ or _Fido_, they have _ipso facto_ unwittingly named them in Latin? [1] There is a disturbing trend, however, for Latin to find its way into English sentences where there is no _bona fide_ justification for it. Often a speaker (or an author) will use a Latin phrase in an attempt to flaunt their education. Dropping Latin phrases into one's sentences (_quid pro quo_,_deus ex machina_, _et cetera_) is in many ways a _de facto_ equivalent in academic circles of the name-dropping practiced by celebrities and their hangers-on. Rather than trying to suggest that they were almost caught _in flagrante delicto_ with Claudia Schiffer, the academic will drop the occasional Latin phrase in the hope that his listeners will think that he is an _emeritus_ professor who graduated _summa cum laude_ from _literae humaniores_ at his _Alma Mater_, Oxford. Of course, attempting to _ad lib._ with Latin phrases in English is not without risk. The _onus_ is on the speaker to avoid errors. Imagine the derision to which an airline official would be subjected if he claimed that a bomb had been allowed onto a plane (in the luggage of a person who did not board the flight) due to a manifest _non sequitur_. One must also be very careful about spelling. I have seen people write things like _add norseum_ [sick], which looks like an instruction from a recipe incorporating Vikings. Errors such as this will very quickly result in one becoming _persona non grata_ with the very people one was setting out to impress. There is a more subtle trap for the unwary Latin user. Occasionally an innocent Latin phrase can sound quite rude when heard by native English speakers. I am sure that Queen Elizabeth II would never have used the expression _annus horribilis_ if she had considered the sort of puns that the tabloid press were likely to come up with _a posteriori_. Do not be totally discouraged. I do think there is a place for the occasional bit of Latin-dropping. Any attempt to eliminate Latin from English usage would quickly result in a _reductio ad absurdem_. My advice is simply this: Be careful. Be sure of your facts before you seize the day and use _carpe diem_ in a sentence. --- _FINIS_ --- _Postscriptum_: The number of Latin words that are used in this way is very large. I could continue producing examples (for instance, _ad infinitem_) forever. I think, however, that I have proved that which had to be proved. _Ergo_, I see no need to discuss phrases such as _quod erat demonstrandem_. [1] The translations being "King" and "I am faithful," retrospectively. %e *EOA* %t Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool, England, UK, Earth %n 2R70 %s Sou'Wester, 1994 British National Science Fiction Convention %a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (alexmc@biccdc.co.uk) %d 19940406 %x Jargon In British Science Fiction Fandom %x Earth %i Beeblebears %i Flying Hedgehogs %i Balloon, Transport By %e The Britannia Adelphi in Liverpool is a very high-ceilinged hotel, with lots of interesting chandeliers. At Sou'Wester (1994 British National Science Fiction Convention, or Eastercon), fandom put this space to good use. One of the future conventions being advertised was Inconceivable, (Inconsequential II). This is a convention based on humour in science fiction, and run by mostly ZZ9 and Octarine [1] members. They brought along a helium gas cylinder and balloons printed with their logo. At first the balloons were tied to the desk to make it more conspicuous but later on in the con flyers [2] were tied to them. By cutting off a certain amount of string, the flyers could be made to hover about the convention at eye level. They would rise and fall depending on air currents and temperature. Next a T-shirt was filled with balloons and tied to another bunch. This was a much more impressive demonstration of fannish aeronautics. After the T-shirt escapade the team decided this was not enough. Fans often have a soft spot for fluffy stuffed animals [3]. They can even buy convention memberships for their toys in order to receive the progress reports for them. A small toy hedgehog was soon to be seen floating around the room to the cries of "It's behind you!" The Adelphi has a policy of keeping anything it finds in its chandeliers and so an attempt was made to retrieve lost balloons with another balloon tied to a long piece of string and covered with sticky tape. [1] "ZZ9" is the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy Fan Club. (The name is based on the location of the Earth: ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha.) "Octarine" is the Terry Pratchett fan club. Octarine is the colour of magic. I am not a member of either. [2] Flyers are small pieces of paper with advertising on them, given out to anyone likely to be interested. Similarly fly posters. They do not actually fly unless made into a paper plane, or transported by air. [3] We are of course talking about toys, not trophies. ZZ9 sell Beeblebears. These are teddy bears with two heads and three arms. %e *EOA* %t London, England, UK, Earth %n 2R71 %s A Big Place Near Surrey %a Leigh J. C. Kennedy (lkennedy@st.nepean.uws.edu.au) %d 19940106 %e So you've just arrived in London? Well bully for you. Samuel Johnson once said: "When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life" This statement accounts for the many hitchhikers seen jumping off London bridges and breaking their necks on the Thames; however, if you have the right attitude, London is a great place for you to visit. Arriving and Departing ---------------------- From the Airport: Heathrow: If you want to get to or from Heathrow, the easiest way is by Underground. It takes about 70 minutes and costs about 2.30 pounds. To reach Victoria, transfer at Earls Court. Gatwick: Take the BR Gatwick express train to Victoria, approximately 30 minutes and 7 pounds. By Train: The London Underground, or Tube, is a relatively fast and cheap way of getting around London. If you are coming from or going to somewhere outside of London, trains leave from 8 stations: Charing Cross, Euston, King's Cross, Liverpool Street, Paddington, St. Pancras, Victoria, and Waterloo. By Coach: Victoria Coach station is where most busses arrive and depart. Busses are generally cheaper, but slower and (IMHO) less comfortable. By Thumb: The preferred method of hitchhikers is best undertaken with the list of route suggestions published by the Tourist Information Centre. Touring ------- A tour is a good way to get your bearings in London, and a quick glance from the top of one of London's famous double decker busses will help you decide what to see in more detail. The London Transport sightseeing tour last 1-1/2 hours and departs from Victoria St, Marble Arch and Baker St., Haymarket (near Picadilly circus). These tours cost 8 pounds and depart every 1/2 hour. Also available, the London by Night tour, costing 3.50 pounds. Phone 222-1234 for details. Money ----- For the average hitchhiker, this is a commodity rarely in abundance. If you don't have any, find some Americans and sell one of London's many bridges to them (well, it's worked before). If you have money that you acquired outside the country, the chances are that it will not be accepted. The best places to exchange it for the local stuff are: American Express: 6 Haymarket, SW1. Phone 930-4411. Other offices at Victoria St. Station and the British Tourist office. Thomas Cook: 15 Shaftsbury Ave. Medical ------- Socialised medicine means you can afford to get sick in England which is helpful for the people who can't afford to see the sights. You may have to pay for little things, depending on what arrangements have been made between the UK and your country/planet. Some major hospitals are: Westminster Hospital, phone 828-9811 University College Hospital, phone 387-9300 London Hospital, phone 377-7000 Accommodations -------------- Accommodation will cost you. The best suggestion is to find an attractive member of which ever sex or species you are interested in and shack up with them. If that fails, try one of these IYHA hostels: Holland House. Holland Walk, Kensington, W8. Phone 937-0748. Bright and clean with 190 beds. Kitchen facilities and currency exchange available. No curfew. 14 pounds/person. Breakfast: 2.30 pounds. Dinner: 3 pounds. Oxford Street. 14-18 Noel St., London W1. Phone 734-1618. Great central location. 87 beds, microwave available. Monitored baggage room and no curfew. 15 pounds per person with continental breakfast available for 1.90 pounds. Reception open 7am - 10.30pm. Earl's court, 38 Bolton Gardens SW5. Phone 373-7083. 124 beds with laundry and currency exchange available. Reception open 7am - 11pm. 12 pound per person with meals 2-3 pounds. Food ---- Hitchhikers can find some comfort in the fact that they will not have to change their diets in London; there are just as many McDonald's stores and pizza shops here as any other major city. If you feel like something cooked by people over the age of 15, try one of these restaurants: Chutneys, 124 Drummond St. NW1. Phone 388-0604. If you like hot curries this is the place to go. The Chefs have come straight from India in an attempt to burn away the inside of your mouth. Mickey's Fish and Chips, 9 Porchester Rd W2. Phone 229-4161. This is the sort of food you will either love or bring up. The fish are as fresh as the day they floated ashore dead from the North Sea, and are served with heaps of chips all cooked in a vat of boiling fat. If that doesn't sound appetizing, I don't know what will! Tradewinds, 42 Baker St. W1M. Phone 486-2008. A Chinese restaurant that also serves Thai food. Specialty is Peking Duck, unless of course your a duck. Sydney Street, 4 Sydney St. SW3. Phone 352-3433. If you have come halfway across the world and you start to get home sick what do you do? If you are like me and feel the call of the wind whistling though some far away gum tree then this is a place for some Australian food and to meet other Australians you wouldn't give the time of day to if you were back there. Pubs ---- If you need to recover from a bad case of jet lag (or space lag), you will probably want to head for a good pub. With over 7,000 pubs in London, it would take you a lifetime and two livers to visit them all, but here are a few to get you started: The French House, 49 Dean St., W1. In WWII this pub was the HQ of the free French forces. Serves French food along with a good selection of wine and some beers. The Zetland Arms, 2 Bute St., SW7. Famous for its pub food including Ploughman's lunch and Shepherd's pie. The Scarsdale, 23 Pembroke Sq,. W8. Great pub right in the middle of Earl's Court. Inexpensive and a great place for a chat. Museum Tavern, 49 Great Russell St., WC1. Once a favourite of Karl Marx and Casanova; with thirteen beers on tap it will become your favourite also. Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese, Wine Office court, 145 fleet St., EC4. This pub is right out of the 17th century, with sawdust on the floors. Sights ------ Although frowned on by more seasoned hitchhikers, sight seeing is still something you may wish to do in London. Don't expect to be able to see them all, not unless you plan to stay for several years. Some of the more popular sights in London are: Westminster Abbey: This is a big church where you can find the graves of many of England's most famous dead, including many Kings and Queens. This is also the place where coronations are held, although one is not likely to happen in the near future. Those who wish to learn the history of the abbey can take the guided tour which takes 1-1/2 hours and costs 6 pounds. General admission to the abbey costs 2.60 pounds, with students 1.30 pounds. The Houses of Parliament: This is the seat of Democracy in the western world. Unfortunately, due to explosive tensions (or is that tensioned explosives) the public is now restricted from entry into the house. The house amongst other things holds Big Ben (a large clock named after a fat guy). To get tickets you will need to see your Embassy, and then be related to the Ambassador. An easier way to get in is to sit in the visitor's gallery in the House of Lords. Trafalgar Square: Right in Trafalgar Square is Nelson's Column. This monument commemorates Admiral Nelson, whose greatest victory at Trafalgar also led to his death. Adjoining the square is the National Gallery which houses a collection of old masters. Buckingham Palace: This is where the Queen lives. Due to financial difficulties she will give you a tour for a few pounds. The changing of the guards happen at 11:30am. Nearby you can visit the Guard's Museum for 2 pounds, or the Royal Mews Museum for 1.30 pounds. Hyde Park: This is the biggest park in London and a nice place to go if you like that sort of thing. Within the grounds of the park is Kensington Palace. The Prince and Princess of Wales used to live here; who gets the house still remains to be seen. Harrods: This is probably the most famous department store in this sector of the Galaxy. Harrods sells virtually everything, but it's fun just having a look. Harrods also has a pub, a restaurant and a tourist information centre. Madame Tussaud: This museum holds wax figures of many famous and infamous people. The Chamber of Horrors holds gory exhibits with people from Jack the Ripper to Adolf Hitler. Admission is 5.95 pounds. St Paul's Cathedral: This cathedral, although not in the original building, has been here since 604AD. Work started on the current cathedral in 1666. This cathedral is most recently famous for the wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana. The Crypt below contains the resting place of many famous people including Wellington. Admission is 2 pounds. The Tower of London: The Tower was founded in 1066 by William the Conqueror. The tower is in fact a collection of 20 towers surrounded by a stone wall. There is so much to see at the tower that I cannot hope to cover it all; needless to say it is well worth your time. Admission is 6 pounds. Next to the tower is the Tower Bridge which provides great views from its upper level. Admission to the upper level is 2.50 pounds. HMS Belfast: This ship led the D-Day attacks on the French Coast. Take the tube to London Bridge. Admission is 3.60 pounds. The Royal Botanic Gardens: The Gardens contain many attractions including Kew Palace, which holds a small museum showing the life of a Monarch in the 18th century. Also, take a look at the Princess of Wales Conservatory, The Temperate House, and the Pagoda. Admission to the Palace is 1.00 pounds. Windsor Castle: Built by William the Conqueror as a fortress, the castle has been the birthplace of most of the royals ever since. The tombs of Henry VIII, George V, and Charles I rest amongst others (admission is 2.00 pounds). Also to be seen by visitors are the State apartments (admission is 2.90 pounds) and Queen Mary's giant dolls house (admission is 1.45 pounds). %e *EOA* %t Meulen, Roel Van Der %n 2R72 %s One Of The Field Researchers Of PGG %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.LeidenUniv.nl) %d 19950220 * Original date: 19940506 %i Meulen, Roelof Daniel Van Der %x Netherlands, Earth %x GAG, Guaranteed Articles Group %x Ideabank, Instructions For The %x Netherlands, Earth, A Native Writes About The %x Waddinxveen, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth %p 2R72_1.gif Roel's head end 1994 - begin 1995 when hair growth commenced %k Authors %k PGG %e Strictly speaking, my life started somewhere in the Swiss Alps; to be more precise, Adelboden, on a winter holiday of my parents. But officially my life begun when I was born in Delft, The Netherlands, on October 13th 1968. After hanging around in the area for three years, our small family moved to Gouda (pretty much the same area when you're not used to living in a country as large as a medium sized pizza, and the enlarging effects that has on small distances). Gouda is known for its cheese, candles, and stroopwafels (treacle-wafers). Then there was a two year intermezzo in Tarvin, Cheshire, England, UK, where I acquired the basis of the grubby English you've been able to observe in my articles. After that my parents, my little brother and I went back to Gouda and stayed there for two years before we moved to Waddinxveen (known for the Gouda Treacle-wafer factory, the Gouda-Candles factory, and a lot of other companies and absolutely nothing else) for eleven years. For the last six years I've been living in Leiden, first in a Skinnerbox for four years and when I couldn't take that anymore I moved to a single room in an apartment I share with two others, in a flat. I'm trying to move to something larger now, but that proves extremely difficult. Leiden is the place I'm studying to become an astronomer. I think I'm finally getting the hang of it! Nevertheless, getting weird ideas is what I do best, so that's the reason why I'm flooding the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Known Galaxy with all sorts of articles. How sweet life would be if only I could make a living being a Field Researcher! I'm also an expert on film cliches and I tend to annoy everyone who is watching a movie or television series in my vicinity by predicting what will happen next. This ability is the fruit of an extremely boring lifestyle. Further, I'm addicted to sports, especially target shooting. As a target that is; I'm a five-a-side soccer goalkeeper in two teams, a team high in the student's league and an all-but-one ladies team in a company's all internal competition (always against male teams). Aikido with Ki is a martial art that I practice with a lot of pleasure. I also used to do some nice field hockeying and I may return to doing that somewhere in the future. The articles I write are further influenced by the fact that I am a teetotaller (except for the occasional champagne). Something else interesting in the food department is that I have a rare allergy for nuts, especially walnuts and hazelnuts. People annoyingly tend to forget this, sometimes resulting in unexpected uncomfortable symptoms. I could have easily gotten a job as the Michelin man if I wanted, except I feel particularly lousy after eating the nuts, so I'm not sure whether I would be able to remember what to say and how to act when the cameras are on. Some friends call me 'weird', and I think that I can safely agree with them that I am. One little question in between: if anyone has any idea's on what to do with life, I would love to hear your suggestions. I have currently (for as long as I have internet access) taken upon me the task of Project Galactic Guide Field Researcher Recruiter. It mostly involves reading newsgroups such as alt.humor.best-of-usenet and finding mail there that can be converted to something we like in The Guide. On the other hand, I also try to motivate all my friends and everyone around me to write something, because if we want this guide to be really "useful" it should contain so much articles that for whichever index word you type, there will be an article. *YOU* can do the same. Once in a while my alter ego Dan floods my mind with ideas for The Guide. He gave the founding ideas for the Ideabank (TM), the Project Galactic Guide Weekend, the Newsletter, and the Guaranteed Articles Group (GAG). Read all about these things in the articles about them. Dan also filled the Ideabank (TM) with loads of ideas to write Guide articles about. Concluding this article, I can say that right now the Project Galactic Guide plays one heck of a major role in my life. %e *EOA* %t Paragliding %n 2R73 %s More Amusing Than You Thought %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) * Many thanks to Elisabeth Boonin (lika@halcyon.com) for getting * me *really* informed on the subject %d 19950819 %d 19940406 %i Miller, James (The Fan Man) %k Buckingham Palace %k Hitchhikers %i Paramotoring %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %e A paraglider is a parachute with the shape of a mattress, which allows for excellent manouvring during flight. By using bubbles of hot air rising up, `thermals' (which also produce cumulus clouds [1]), it is possible to gain more than 3000 metres of altitude. By hopping from thermal to thermal paragliders have managed flights of around 200 km. Paragliding is turned into paramotoring by adding a backpack propellor to the gear. To take off you first have to run like hell (into the wind) to get the parachute up and then you have to turn on your backpack propeller. The airspeed of the paraglider is set, not by the propellor, but by the airfoil and how much weight you dangle from it. In `no wind' you can stay in the air in excess of 5 hours and do 150 km or so on one tank of gas. Of course, paramotor pilots don't usually bother thermalling their machines. Besides the (extra)ordinary joys of riding the winds and enjoying the scenery, there are also a number of joyful activities especially designed for a paraglider to do. These activities basically come down to landing in abnormal places. If you've got a masochistic side in your character, you could decide to land in a boxing ring in Las Vegas to disturb a world title match, for instance between Holyfield and Bowe. In this case, besides having problems with landing on such a small spot, you will also have to deal with two bloodthirsty professional boxers and a mob ready to lynch you. You could try to disturb, some people might say grace, a football match for instance between the Los Angeles Raiders and the Denver Broncos. This option seems to be very difficult and the stadium is easy to miss. You could also want to land your paraglider on top of Buckingham Palace, take of all your clothes, run around naked with a green-painted bottom, and hurl abuse to armed policemen trying to arrest you. Before deciding to undertake these activities you must also take in to consideration that it is very likely that you will later be fined considerable amounts of money because unfortunately these activities are illegal in most countries (unsafe flying is, anyway). One man has nevertheless performed - by high coincidence - exactly these actions. For such bravery I would like to give "the fan man" "birdman" James "Windy" Miller from Henderson, Nevada the title of "Hitchhiker Extraordinaire." May he live long and prosper. However, if anyone were to do all these things for the wrong reasons, like to only get a lot of media exposure, that would not reflect the spirit of the true hitchhiker. The important thing is not to impress others but to have fun yourself. People who do the former I'd rather like to give the title "Jerk Extraordinaire." Be warned. [1] Cumulus: fluffy, cottonball clouds. These occur when a thermal takes a warm air mass up to the point where it's cold enough for the air to condense the water vapour. %e *EOA* %t Testing %n 2R74 %s One Two Three %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940325 %i One Two One Two %i One One One One %i Two Two Two Two %i This Is A Test %x Computer Malfunctions %e Ignore this. %e *EOA* %t Martial Arts And Farts %n 2R75 %s How To Use Farting As A Learning Experience %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940404 %x Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, Earth %x Defecation %i Martial Farts %i Unification Of Mind And Body %i Aikido %e A public secret amongst the people who practice one kind or other of Martial Art is that the uncomfortable and embarrassing feeling of a fart coming up (down) occurs more often in the dojo that outside of it. When the feeling is there it tends to seriously disrupt the unification of mind and body. There are two ways that can happen. One is that you feel it coming and try to prevent it from erupting so hard that you can't concentrate on anything else, specifically the sensei or the partner you work with. This attempt to not fart will fail, as we all know. You see, after a while the second way for a fart to distort the unification of mind and body will reveal itself and that is the fart itself coming out. This always takes place when delivering a kick, punch, or during another sudden movement. This is only prevented by sitting down and not moving until very silently the methane has slipped out. But people will wonder, and then know, so the effect will be the same as farting aloud. As said before, during a motion of the body the gas will erupt in a disorderly manner, causing you to focus on the entire dojo focusing on you. This situation is best dealt with by turning it into a learning experience. The trick is to completely ignore the fart and the effects it has on the people around you. Let the world be the world without affecting your inner peace. The ability to ignore farts is in fact one step further on the long road of unification of mind and body. The person who is able to disarm and eliminate a dangerous opponent and at the same time fart without wincing a muscle is surely a master. Strong is the man who can fart without distorting his inner strength. If you feel _weak_ and do not want to bother yourself with this exercise, remember to pay attention what you eat before practice. Speaking from experience I can say that eating a sauerkraut meal beforehand will give you more chance to exercise unification of mind and body than you dreamt of. I will at this time not go into using a fart as an assault weapon. %e *EOA* %t Law School Necessities %n 2R76 %s What You Need When Going to Law School %a Charles Glasser (Author unavailable via Internet) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet by Roel van der Meulen * (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940419 %i Supplies, Law School %e Some people sometimes wonder what type of computer hardware and software would be most beneficial to have while in law school, and what other stuff students have found to be extremely helpful. Well, I can tell you the study of law requires lots of equipment that you will have to go out and purchase, so here's my list: 1) You'll certainly need a Cylindrical Graphite Trace Depositor, and I recommend getting a dozen or so with an Organic Cellulose Binding Tube. It should be Apogee-tipped with a Compressionable Appendage that makes Error Correction a snap. 2) Any law student needs a Serial Cell Plate Collation, with Blue Linear Scoring in the Horizontal Mode. Highly portable and energy efficient, these come in bundles of 250 or 500 cells. These are usually Verso-linearly bound in steel, however, some "loose-leaf." 3) My favorite law school tool is the Legume Hyperbaric Steam Injection Apparatus. I use it every morning; as a matter of fact, I couldn't get out of the house without its rich bounty of Caffeinated Amino Acid Compounds. Milk and sugar, please. %e *EOA* %t Alcohol Guilt In Students %n 2R77 %s Students, Alcohol, and Guilt %a Angus Garfield Race, Dave Hodges' Guide (not available via Internet) * Nicked from Dave Hodges' guide by Alex McLintock (alexmc@biccdc.co.uk) %d 19940501 %e Alcohol, as has already been noted, has an intoxicating effect on certain carbon-based lifeforms. Guilt also has an effect but this is a detoxicating effect and this occurs mainly with students with their fundamental concerns with money, and goes something like this: AFTER ONE PINT - "oh God, that could have been a pound of mince" AFTER TWO PINTS - "God, that could have been two ring binders" AFTER THREE PINTS - "God, that could have been thirty biros" AFTER FOUR PINTS - "God, that could have been a pascal manual" ...and so on ad infinitum So as the alcohol intake goes up, the guilt therefore goes up. Eventually the two equalize at a point around six to eight pints therefore students cannot get drunk! (Note: Students are found drunk quite often; this is due to guilt-reducing drugs, such as large quantities of alcohol.) %e *EOA* %t Jomsborg The New %n 2R78 %s Cambridge Fantastic Literature Society, The %a Helen Steele (h.steele@elsevier.co.uk) * Author also available via Alex McLintock (alex@megadodo.com) %d 19940519 %i Speculative Fiction Societies %x Cambridge, England, UK, Earth %x Imperial College Science Fiction Society %e Jomsborg the New is one of the more curious of speculative fiction societies. Founded in Cambridge, England in January 1975 by disaffected Cambridge University Science Fiction Society (CUSFS) members as a branch of the American Mythopoeic Society, it quickly forged its own peculiar identity. Jomsborg the New is named after a (probably) legendary 10th Century Viking settlement called Jomsborg and the warriors who lived there. The Jomsvikings appear in minor sagas such as King Olaf's and the Jomsvikingar; they were much-feared warriors and were renowned for their honour and their courage. They finally met their downfall after vowing to "conquer Norway or die trying" -- they were drunk at the time. They invaded Norway but were repulsed and destroyed after Hakon of Norway invoked evil spirits to defeat them. It is from the sagas that Jomsborg the New take their motto: Eigi Eru Enn Allir Jomsvikingar daudhir ("Not Yet Are All the Jomsvikings Dead") Present-day Jomsvikings are a more sedentary lot, their main activity being the reading and discussion of fantastic literature at Thingar. However, there are occasions when they have the opportunity to make merry and invoke the spirit of their namesakes. The Veizla is the annual Jomsborg feast: apart from eating and (much) drinking, the Reeve issues a challenge to all attending Jomsvikings (previous challenges have included boasts, humourous verse, and riddles) and the Reeve and the companions for the new year are announced and inaugurated. The Reeve and his companions are the controllers of Jomsborg. Jomsborg is not democratic and never has been. There is no constitution and only one rule: the Reeve is omnipotent. Despite the general alarm this tends to cause amongst people outside Cambridge, it actually does work and allows Jomsborg to run smoother than any rule-bound society could do. The Reeve is the coordinator and the master (or mistress) of ceremonies, he chairs Thingar, starts lunches, and is the linchpin of Jomsborg. His second-in-command is the Geldjarl (literally "gold-earl") who is primarily the money man. The Keeper of Odin's Mead of Poesy and Inspiration (or Meadkeeper) is in charge of Jomsborg Writers' Workshop -- a subgroup dedicated to the creation and criticism of speculative fiction -- which has been an important part of Jomsborg since its foundation. The two "junior" posts are Runecaster (whose job it is to chronicle the year and in particular the Thingar) and Bard, a more recent post, for the organizer of readings and storytellings. Apart from the Veizla the most important meetings for all Jomsvikingar are the Wake and the Jomsafmaelisdagr; the Wake is an all night vigil party to celebrate the old year, and the Afmaelisdagr is a hilltop ceremony held the following day at dawn, where the Reeve, surrounded by his Jomsvikingar, invokes the new sun. The Afmaelisdagr is traditionally held on 31 January, the official birthday of Jomsborg. Spotting Jomsvikingar is easy: younger males tend to wear black t-shirts and tasteless sweaters. As they grow older their hair tends to grow and they allow facial hair to sprout; a large number wear glasses. Also, one common item links all Jomsvikingar: the infamous bright orange scarf or "soul." It is traditionally at least 9 feet long, though usually 12 feet (and known to stretch to 24 feet) and is the repository for the Jomsviking soul. Other points to note: punters on the Cam in Summer should be beware of the Jomsborg brie which escaped a weekly Jomslunch many years ago and has since evolved into a whole new life-form lurking in the murky waters of the Cam and the Granta. Jomsborg the New should not be confused with Jomsborg in Exile, which is a splinter group formed by ex-Jomsborg the New people when they left Cambridge. It holds monthly discussion meetings, but avoids the eccentricity of the New. NOTES: 1) Accents: Jomsborg and the prefix Joms- have acute accents over the "o." Thingar and thing has an acute accent instead of the dot on the "i" 2) Pronunciation: The "J" in Jomsborg is pronounced as a "Y," the initial "o" as in "bop," the second "o" as in "bored." Veizla is pronounced as it looks, and Afmaelisdagr is pronounced . I won't attempt to explain how to pronounce "Eigi Eru Enn Allir Jomsvikingar daudhir." %e *EOA* %t Cairns, Queensland, Australia, Earth %n 2R79 %s The Gateway To The Great Barrier Reef %a Ian Dean (ian@jessica.cs.curtin.edu.au) %d 19940508 %x Earth %x Australia, Earth %k Great Barrier Reef %e Cairns is known as the gateway to the Great Barrier Reef. It is a tropical town situated 2000 kilometers north of Brisbane. The population in Cairns and surrounding districts numbers about 100,000 people (plus a few million cane toads). The main industry is tourism, which is gouging as many dollars as possible out of the suckers before they leave. This is achieved by overpricing and overcharging anyone who even vaguely looks like a tourist. There are many scuba diving courses, reef tours, island tours, and tours of the tablelands behind Cairns. Cairns has two seasons, wet and dry. The wet season is sometimes accompanied by interesting weather patterns called tropical cyclones; you do not want to get caught in a cyclone (author's personal experience from a number of them). The wind blows too much, it rains too much, and almost every stream and river floods and it takes ages to fix up your house and garden after a cyclone has been through. A mandatory requirement in winter is a BIG beach towel. It is quite warm enough in winter to swim, while in summer you risk permanent disfigurement or death from the deadly box jellyfish if you swim during that season. The atmosphere of the town is quite casual, although there are the usual problems that occur with a high transient population. A nice feature is the Saturday market known as Rusty's Market, which is two streets away from the centre of town. With careful bargaining and a bit of savvy, the hoopier hitchhikers can pick up some real bargains. Avoid anyone who says this is a one-time-only offer, because when you are out of sight they pick up another duplicate that was made in Korea or Taiwan and put it on display. Cairns has its own international airport and has direct flights from other countries landing daily. The nightlife is fairly limited, although the Playpen nightclub puts on a good show occasionally. Cairns is truly a gateway and that is its most redeeming feature, as it offers tours to almost every part of North Queensland. %e *EOA* %t Cats %n 2R80 %s Those Furry Things That Inhabit The Warmest Place In The House %a Ian Dean (ian@jessica.cs.curtin.edu.au) %d 19940509 %x Antigravity, The Feline Butterology Theory %x Cats And Dogs %e Cats. Love them or hate them, you have to admire them. They treat their owners with the utmost of disdain and yet still get fed whenever they want to be fed. They invariably find the warmest place in the house and go to sleep there. If it is your lap they have to soften it up first with their claws... for men this is an extremely painful experience. Cats also always land on their feet, even though this sometimes kills them. They shed hair everywhere and don't think they have succeeded until they get at least one hair in your meal. They demand attention whenever you are busy but when you have time to give them some attention they are always outside chasing their partner around the street. They are very promiscuous and tend to announce it for everyone to hear. Cat is often served up as beef to unsuspecting tourists in some parts of the world, notably Southeast Asia. I have heard it described as Texan Rump. Cats will stalk almost anything, including ants, and will kill and eat mice and birds. Cats are best kept away from birds through a combination of overfeeding and at least two collars, each with a separate bell. Cats also get some of the weirdest names I have ever heard. Ours was obtained from the RSPCA and was already named "Muffin." Other names I have heard include Khat, Puss, Pussykins (enough to make you sick), etc. They demand to be let in, wander around, take a look, and next thing are demanding to be let out again. %e *EOA* %t Sweden: The True Story %n 2R81 %s The Swedes Are Not Swedes %a Henrik O A Barkman (barkman@stacken.kth.se) %d 19940529 %x Earth %x Sweden, Earth %x Finland, Earth %x Norway, Earth %i Russia, Creation Of %e Sweden is a kingdom in northeastern Europe, consisting mainly of forests, lakes and mountains. Somewhere between the trees and lakes about nine million human beings known as Swedes have their homes. Please treat the word "Swede" case sensitively, since most Swedes are different from swedes. The majority of the Swedes live in cities, even though the cities are almost parts of the forests. I live in the capital, Stockholm, but I still have several trees between my house and my neighbour's. Back in the time of the Vikings, the Swedes mostly travelled east during their raids. Since there were no Russia back then, someone had to create it. The Swedes did. The name "Russia" is probably derived from "Ruserna," the inhabitants of a part of Sweden known as Roslagen. Ever since then, we have fought with the Russians. Sometimes we won, and sometimes we lost. We lost the last time, back in 1809, when we lost Finland to the Russians. Some of us are still waiting for a return game. Even though most Swedes consider themselves peaceful, and there has been no official battles since 1814, it was only two years ago we declared peace with Norway. We are still (since the 17th century) in a state of war with San Marino. For some reason, English-speaking creatures seem to have problems with realizing that Sweden and Switzerland are different countries. They are different. %e *EOA* %t Ohio State University, Columbus, Ohio, USA, Earth %n 2R82 %s A Guide For Visiting OSU, Not Necessarily Helpful %a Dave Shockey Jr. (dashocke@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu) %d 19940601 %i FUBAR'ed %x Earth %x Alcohol Guilt In Students %x New York City, New York, USA, Earth %e The Ohio State University is located in Columbus, the capitol of Ohio, a state, in the United States of America, a country, on Earth (Terra for the anal hitchhikers), a planet. Below are directions to get to this university. From space: Find a map, locate Columbus, and just drop on in. Once landed, ask for the nearest bar and make your way there because its the best thing to do unless you are an absolute twit. Afterward, you could go to one of the 5,000 libraries on campus and try to learn something, although I've found learning comes much easier and is more fun if you are at least half blotto. You don't actually remember very much, so usually you have to go get blotto again the next day to try to learn again what you so recently forgot. For final exams, for example, I recommend at least a month of straight studying if you are going to study in this fashion. So when it comes right down to it, just make your way to a bar for whatever reason you've came and then work things out from there. Don't worry about not blending in; most of the bars are on High Street and everyone blends in on High Street. Jesse Helms running naked with Tammy Faye Baker (I know she's remarried now, but I'm still calling her Baker.) on his shoulders would hardly get a glance. On the Earth: From the East: Coming in from across the Atlantic Ocean, make your way to New York. Stay there a few days just for the effect. Then make your way west until you hit a big lake. Follow the lake shore going south and west until you hit a very smelly place. This is Cleveland, known to be one of the proposed gateways to Hell (although I don't think that's very fair to Hell; I would like to say that I don't start these rumors, I just report what I hear). At Cleveland turn left, then go south and a tad west and you'll run into Columbus. Once there, follow the above instructions for those just landing from space. From anywhere else: I've been studying a lot lately and don't quite remember how to come in from any other direction than from the east at this time. So if you live somewhere other than east of Ohio State and Columbus, it would be best to make your way to the east and then start from there. Now that you're at OSU, and are at least half blotto, there are only two things that you can really do. Either stay at the bar and make it all the way to the state known as FUBAR'ed (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition), or do something else. After a long study period, I usually like to relax. But I inevitably will end up FUBAR'ed besides that fact. It may seem kind of pointless to travel all the way here when you could get FUBAR'ed pretty much anywhere there is alcohol. But when it comes right down to it, life seems pretty pointless anyway so why don't you just say, "what the hell?" I know its not the best way to bring people (aliens included of course) to OSU, but once you're half blotto (like me right now), you'll see the deeper meaning and value of this philosophy. As far as the other option goes, I'm sorry but I haven't actually had time to find out what else there is to do. I'm only a mortal and most of my time has been spent exploring the first option. Ohio State is a huge university in a fairly big city, so there should be lots of other things to do. So my advice would be to buy a paper or something. Of course if you have followed my advice at the beginning of this article, you should be at least half blotto. So it would be best to find something to do within walking distance. %e *EOA* %t Towns Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers %n 2R83 %s Useful Help For Writing Articles On (Boring) Places, Possibly %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.LeidenUniv.nl) %d 19940526 %i Tips on Article Writing %i Villages %i Towns %i Cities %x Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors %e If you are writing or want to write about a specific place where a lot of people come together to live and do things (usually called villages, towns or cities) you might find it helpful to consult this here article. It could be, for instance, that you live in a typical boring place and want to write something about it but don't know what because everything is so boring. But you could also find yourself in a city where there is so much to do and see that there is too much to write. In the former case, this article can give you a clue as to what there is to write about and the items can ring a bell to the more interesting borities. Then after writing the main body of the article fit the words "Conclusion: mostly harmless" unless of course the place is so boring it is a mental hazard. "Mostly (something, invent your own description)" as a summary will do in most situations. In the latter case, you can use this list to organize your impressions to a readable order and/or just pick out only the most interesting stuff. It is superfluous to say you can also write down the whole lot. I will start the enumeration with the %-token thingies: %t Village/Town/City, State/Borough, Country, Earth %s What's The Most Important Thing About The Place %a Your name (your Internet email account) %d Today's date, in YYYYMMDD format %x Earth %x Country (if article(s) are available) %x Tourists (optional cross-references) Possible topics to include in an article about a village/town/city: o City area, surroundings, shape and aesthetics o Population, growing rate, population density and comparisons with other places o What's in there: Major industry (Special) shops Kind of houses Parks etc. Schools & Universities Zones, districts Inhabitants: who, wealth, character, religion, languages and dialects, famous people o Atmosphere of the town (could also be at the end), weather o Local politics o Crime, traffic o History of town (including name and age) o Tourism: old stuff and new stuff; culture: ruins, museums, galleries, churches, concert halls, statues etc; attractions, festivities, sight seeing tours, souvenirs, etc. o Inside tips and hints for real fun/adventures; where to hang out, pubs, etc. o Fun in the surrounding area o Sports o Currency and prices of staying and buying stuff o How to move about o How to get there and get away again o Where and what to eat o Where to stay o Other stuff o Checklists: Required equipment (what to bring) Best time to go Best time to leave Things you should try Things you should avoid Things you should forget Things you mustn't lose At any one of all these items you can insert an anecdote. As usual with guides, you are free to do it differently if you think that is better, but don't blame me for getting lost. You could want to add items, delete some, or put them in a different order (and here I use the word 'order' for the people who have been able to find one in the above enumeration, otherwise the word 'permutation' is possibly more in order). And please try to be more witty in your article than I have been in this one (was: not witty whatsoever). Some authors might recognize things in this list they have used before. They are completely right; I have looked what they have used and added some ideas of my own. Let's see if the rate of articles appearing about places increases. %e *EOA* %t Extinction Of Species %n 2R84 %s Things That Have Died Out %a Charles Peter Briscoe-Smith (cpb4@ukc.ac.uk) %d 19940118 %x Earth %i Species, Extinction Of %e A species becomes extinct when its last representative dies. This has happened quite a lot of times on Earth, due, in many cases, to colonization and hunting by humans. A lot of humans feel that extinction is very sad, and try to protect life-forms on the brink of extinction by naming them "endangered species" and being nice to them. One of the most well known examples is, in fact, a whole group of extinct species known as the dinosaurs (terrible lizards). Since these creatures became extinct about sixty-three million Earth years before homo-sapiens evolved from apes, and about sixty-five million Earth years before they started becoming interested in what effect their actions were having on the other life on the planet, the reasons for their demise have remained a mystery. Some other more recent extinctions include the woolly mammoth, the great lemur of Madagascar, and the dodo. See cross-references for enlightenment on these and other subjects. %e *EOA* %t Mensa %n 2R85 %s The High-IQ Society %a David K. Merriman (merriman@organic_sw.win.net) %d 19931019 %i Intelligence Clubs %i IQ Organizations %e What Mensa is and isn't: First of all, the name "Mensa" is derived from the Latin word for "table"; the implication being that in Mensa, all members are equal when gathered together. Mensa members can be anything from trash collectors to salesmen to university physics professors; the SOLE requirement for membership is to score at or above the 98th percentile on any one of a number of recognized IQ tests. The reason that the membership requirement is expressed as a percentile, as opposed to an IQ "score," is that the actual IQ resulting from a test may fluctuate wildly between tests. That is, on one test, one's IQ may measure at 133; on another test, it may measure at 141. In both cases, though, the _percentile_ might be the same: 98%. Membership in Mensa, as noted, only requires a single score at or above the 98th percentile for that test. One might take several tests, and only meet the Mensa requirements on one of them - but that one "passing" score is sufficient. Mensa is a loose affiliation of national Mensa organizations, and within a national organization, there might be any number of local chapters. There exist Mensa organizations in the U.K., Canada, the U.S., South Africa, Japan, Malaysia, and many other countries. Many Mensa members express surprise at meeting the qualifications for membership - a surprising number of them never particularly thought of themselves as "smart." Some in Mensa gain acceptance through presenting their national office with documented evidence of qualification; others will take the tests regularly offered by local chapters. In the United States, these testing sessions are generally offered monthly, and consist of two tests which the applicant must pay for. The testing session generally consists of a brief overview of what Mensa is, what the tests involve, and how the applicant will be informed of the results. Some of the benefits of membership include social events such as parties for different holidays, picnics, and the like where all members are invited (generally held in someone's home), and what are called SIG's (Special Interest Groups), both on the local and national levels. There exist SIGs for virtually anything a person might be interested in - all the way from religion, philosophy, and sexuality to humor, firearms, and different kinds of games (though some argue that sexuality _is_ a kind of game...). If there doesn't exist a SIG for some subject, the members are encouraged to form one; the costs involved in SIG membership vary from free to covering the costs of materials for newletters. There are also larger, more formal gatherings, for such things as new member welcomes and what are called Regional Gatherings (RG's) - which are essentially 3-day non-stop parties. Most national and local groups offer some kind of publications; for the United States, the national magazine is the Bulletin, for the North Texas Mensa chapter, it is called the M-Aura; these magazines include such things as articles by and about Mensans, puzzles, games, letters, calendar events, and even classified advertising. There is also a certain amount of exchange of information between national organizations - typically requests for pen-pals, national gathering schedules, and so on. As mentioned above, the professions of Mensa members fluctuate wildly; it would be fair to say that the personalities of members also fluctuate, even more wildly. There are the Genuine Characters, as well as those than almost anyone would be glad to know and have as a friend. Generally, though, Mensa members are a sociable (!) group, where the members are free to talk and discuss on a wide variety of subjects (!!) without concern that the person they're talking with won't be able to "keep up" with them. There is very little discussion of an individuals' IQ - the general consensus is that the fact that someone is a member indicates that they're smart _enough_. The only exception to this are occasional references to Densa, a fictitious group of people who scored at the BOTTOM 2% (Mensa's mirror image). Mensa members, when together, are generally not afraid to ask questions - frequently from hard-learned experience, they understand that knowledge does not transfer by osmosis. Mensa, as with any group, has it's share of assholes or one kind or another; but the consolation is that they're _intelligent_ assholes. If you think that you would like to find out if you could qualify for Mensa membership, or are simply interesting in finding out just what your IQ is, you should be able to find out if there is a Mensa organization in your country by checking the telephone book from a larger metropolitan area. If you can't find out that way, you can try subscribing to the rec.org.mensa newsgroup on Internet, and asking there - someone will certainly get back to you with an answer (just make sure you leave a valid Email address, or some means of contacting you, if you can't check back frequently). For the United States, you may contact the national office of Mensa at: American Mensa, Ltd. 2626 East 14th St.