* * Archive: REAL05.NEW * * Created on: Tue Mar 28 15:30:11 2000 * * Number of articles: 24 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to * find an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * 2R86-1 Cameras, How To Make Money Using * 2R87-1 Elevators, Fifty Fun Things To Do In * 2R88-1 Ireland, Earth * FakingUFOs-3 Faking UFOs * 2R90-1 Bradford, England, UK, Earth * 2R92-1 Progressive Rock * 2R93-1 New Zealand, Earth * 2R94-1 Vi Editor, A Beginner's Guide * 2R95-1 How To Say "I Love You" In Different Languages * 2R96-1 Prolific Writing * 2R97-1 No Charge * 2R98-1 Grantchester, Near Cambridge, England, UK, Earth * 2R99-1 Opinions On UFOs * 2R101-1 Random Dot Stereograms * WesterborkArray-2 Westerbork Array, Westerbork, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth * 2R103-1 Dwingeloo, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth * 2R104-1 Lenin Museum, Moscow, Russia, Earth * 2R105-2 Lyon, France, Earth * 2R106-1 Longest Covered Bridge In The World (Earth), The * 2R107-1 Noordwijk, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth * 2R108-1 Goedel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid * 2R109-1 Weather And Your Health * 2R110-1 Top Twenty-Six Ways To Kill Time * 2R111-1 Mountain Home, Baxter County, Arkansas, USA, Earth * %t Cameras, How To Make Money Using %n 2R86 %s Creative Camera Use %a Robert M. Atkins (ka1gt@cbnewsm.cb.att.com) * Snatched from alt.humor.best-of-usenet by Roel van der Meulen * (vdmeulen@strw.LeidenUniv.nl) %d 19940406 %i Top Ten Ways To Make Money With Your Camera %x Aura Photograph Technique %e I'm not even going to charge you for these... 1) Sell it. Best camera for this type of work is a Leica, preferably an unused "special edition." 2) Pawn it. Not as good as (1), but still not bad. Again, Leicas *are* the best kind of camera for this work. 3) Lurk around in a dark alley, and when someone comes by, hit then over the head with your camera and steal their wallet. Here the superiority of medium format work really shines. Mamiya RB67s or Pentax 6x7s are very good. If you have to use 35mm, rumor has it that Nikons work better than Canons. Under really difficult conditions, use a sturdy tripod (always a good idea). 4) Sell pictures to your friends and colleagues. The best way here is to follow them around in the evening and weekends. If you are lucky you'll spot them doing something like going into a massage parlor or being stopped by the police for DWI. Pictures of these events usually sell for quite a bit more than the usual portrait work. 35mm is the preferred format, and a long-range zoom is the lens of choice. 5) Sports Photography. Follow a prominent sports figure around all day, every day, and take close-up pictures with a wide angle lens and flash as often as possible. With luck and persistence you will be the victim of an assault, for which you can sue. Even an out of court settlement can be quite profitable. I'd suggest an inexpensive P&S camera for this type of work. 6) There is no 6, 7, 8 or 9. What you gonna do? Sue me for article fraud? 10) Become a pro by joining IFPO and sell yourself to people even more gullible than you are. Make lots of money, retire, and write a book about how to make money with your camera. %e *EOA* %t Elevators, Fifty Fun Things To Do In %n 2R87 %s A Boring Place Made More Enjoyable %a Alan R. Meiss (ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu) * * Found in alt.shenanigans by Roel van der Meulen * (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) * %d 19940524 %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %e 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 18. When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occasionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say "Oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say: "Mmmm... tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?" 34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!" %e *EOA* %t Ireland, Earth %n 2R88 %d 19940606 %a Stephen Casey (cm5292@scitsc.wlv.ac.uk) %s A Really Green And Friendly Place %i Pubs, Ireland %x Earth %e Location: Across a lot of water from the USA. Inhabitants: Some indigenous life, but mostly Germanic and American tourists. All carbon-based life forms. Technology: N/A Ireland (known as Eire by everyone but the Irish) is a small island on the eastern side of the Atlantic Ocean. It has a population of roughly 3.2 million, and by an extraordinary co-incidence, a land mass of 32 thousand square miles. Further extending the disbelief, it is divided up into 32 counties. For historical reasons, it has been segregated into 2 sections, in the wholly unfair ratio of Northern Ireland (6 counties), and Southern, or the Republic, of Ireland (26 counties). This has caused a lot of bad will, and even more "my grass is greener than yours" conversation than normal. As opposed to the information on the Earth, Irish people have no aversions to leaving, to find other abode. This has however caused the situation where the external population of Ireland seems to go into the hundreds of millions, as opposed to the previously stated internal population. This however does make for big St. Patrick's day celebrations (on the 17th March Earthtime). Ireland still attempts to keep in the dark ages through continuation of male dominance. This has however had a set back in the form of a female president (Mary Robinson). Countermeasures have been put in place that ensure that she can not, however, do anything. This includes diplomatic meetings, peace missions, visits, crossing the street, etc. In Ireland, religion is a bit more important than politics. This however could be argued, as some people would say they are both the same thing. The dominant religion is Catholicism, and the Catholic hierarchy insist on telling people that 90 percent of them go to mass. They however, fail to ask anyone that does not go to mass, if they go to mass or not. This could be compared to asking all the people in the world that are called Bob, what their name is, and hence proving that everyone was called Bob. Alcohol in Ireland is a way of life. In the varied history of the country, we even went through a phase of giving babies Guinness to encourage strength and well-being. We now however have noticed that it works better as a liver dissolver than anything else. This aside, Ireland is famous for its pubs. Anyone that looks in the least bit alive will be dragged into a friendly conversation with at least one surrounding table of people. The only way to prevent this is to become drunker than them, and hence not care what happens. Good places to do this in the capital, Dublin, include: 1) ZOO club, off Nassau street. Really nice drinks, at a very reasonable price (during happy hour which lasts from 6 until 9 every day). Its only flaw is that some people treat it like a creche for kids, and it tends to fill up with very drunk 15 year olds. 2) The Baggot Inn, Baggot Street. Very friendly, very Irish pub. Serves a very nice pint of Guinness. There tends to be music playing at certain times during the day/night. This has ranged from the Henry Rollins Band to Tin Machine. 3) USI Club. Only of interest to people that possess a ISIC student card, or possess at least one friend that does. During the day, it serves a very nice Guinness, but not at night due to the rush. Only really of interest to students. In general, any pub you happen to walk into will be friendly, so long as it is not called the Harp. The latter is a tourist trap, and a place to send people if they wish to end it all quickly. Finally, although just about everyone will try to rip you off in some manner, they will do it in a very sporting manner, and generally be quite nice about it. They will then go on to complain about the weather to you. If you don't want this to happen, don't have a tan. The Irish resent that sort of attack on their sensibilities. %e *EOA* %t Faking UFOs %n 2R89 %s Several Ways Of Letting People Believe They Have Seen An UFO %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.Leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940608 * update on 19960119 * and on 19961230 %i Pranks, Shenanigans, Hoaxes, Or Jokes About UFOs %i UFO Faking %k Crop Circles %k Frisbees %k Ultralights %k Hanggliders %k Erich Von Daeniken %k Nazca Plain %k George Adamski %p 2R89_1.gif Crop Circles created by Tony Blews (c) Tony Blews %p 2R89_2.gif Crop Circles created by Tony Blews (c) Tony Blews %p 2R89_3.gif Crop Circles created by Tony Blews (c) Tony Blews %p 2R89_4.gif Crop Circles created by Tony Blews (c) Tony Blews %p 2R89_5.gif Figure of a bird on part of the Nazca Plain %x Jellyfish, 1001 Uses Of %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %x Paragliding %e One of the more amusing things you can do to make your life exciting is letting people believe they have seen some kind of alien spacecraft, better known as UFO (although by definition an Unidentified Flying Object is anything you see in the sky and cannot easily identify as a certain star, planet, or other object, and in 95% of the time can be easily explained as natural or manmade objects) or the effect of one. From now on I shall use the letters "UFO" as name for alien spacecraft. In this article I want to focus not on convincing people _orally_ that a certain aircraft or strange cloud or burnt spot on the ground must be an UFO or must be caused by one, but on you being part of an UFO yourself or making an apparatus that can fly or making strange markings on the ground so that people watching are _sure_ they have witnessed an UFO at work. What I mean to say is that just throwing frisbees, jellyfish, or trash can lids in the air and taking photographs of them is not enough (although this is also a very amusing pastime, if it works). But if you throw them in the air and from observing that people believe they have seen an UFO, then you have achieved your goal. I do, however, have a little difficulty with imagining what kind of people might fall for such simple tricks. Ultralight ========== In a Dutch newspaper "de Volkskrant" of 19940325 there was an article titled (translated) "It flies, buzzes, and emits white light." It was about a series of UFO sightings that were reported to the Rotterdam police. It is not unusual for the police to receive UFO reportings, but this time there were a lot of them and they were very detailed as well. The first sighting was at 18:55 by two surveilling police officers at Rotterdam-south. In the vicinity of the Maashaven they spotted a triangular object flying over at 100 to 200 meters. It came from the south-west at low speed and had a beam of white light emanating from it. There was also a small blinking green light attached, possibly a starboard navigation light from an airplane, were it not that the only sound to be heard from it was a soft buzzing noise. The officers reported their observation immediately and their amazed colleagues in the radioroom at once contacted Zestienhoven airport, but nothing was visible on the radar, possibly because the object was too low. At 19:04 the next sighting was reported. A man living at the Aert van Nes straat was awakened by a bright beam of light and a buzzing noise. He wondered if the police knew what it was. Twenty minutes later another sighting was reported from someone living in a flat at the Nieuwe Maas, this suggesting that the object must have turned to the south. The occupant of the flat reported a strange aircraft that had almost flown into his living room. The object was an aluminum-like contraption and had a man hanging underneath. A further sighting came almost immediately after that, from the Brienenoord bridge. At the same time a lot of people phoned to Zestienhoven airport and the Rijksluchtvaartdienst with observations of a strange flying object buzzing past. The next day the airport police at Zestienhoven started to investigate the radar tapes just in case. Although the object hardly emitted noise they continue to think it was just an airplane. It has happened before that a plane with landing lights already on flew so low that a lot of flying saucer reports were caused. Of course _we_ all know it was just someone with an Ultralight (a deltawing or hangglider with a small motor) who illegally flew over the city. Ultralights are too small and fly too low to have a reflection on the radar. He must have given a lot of people unusual experiences. And so we see that not only a paraglider can be used to pull pranks. I think that round and about every vehicle able to fly can be used for posing as an UFO. But now let us proceed to another example, and a very famous one too, of a successful way of letting people believe UFOs have landed or that certain mysterious natural phenomena exist. It is the case of the crop circles in the UK. Crop Circles ============ Let us see what Tony Blews (hat@mono.org) wrote to me: "About 9 months ago, myself and a few friends created 4 crop circles in a field. The circles were of varying diameters between 10 and 30 meters. We got the photos [1] in the local paper, and were on the local radio news." He explained to me how to produce these circles: "You need a group of people who will do exactly what you tell them, otherwise you'll end up with spirals shooting off in all directions, and that'll look rubbish." He goes on to explain that this is what you will need: 1) a ball of string 2) a broom handle about 1 meter long 3) a garden roller (nice but not essential) And here is a quickie guide on what to do: 1) Find a field of corn with vehicle tracks in it (they are important [2]). 2) Walk along the tracks to the middle of the field, then walk out about five meter from the tracks. This will be the centre of the first circle. 3) Unwind about eight meters of string (the length is unimportant but must be greater than five, or however far from the tracks you walked). 4) Get someone large and strong to stand at your centre and hold one end of the string. Then get someone else to hold the other end and pull it tight. This person then has to walk in a circle keeping the string tight, to define the edge of the circle. 5) Once this is done, you start at the edge of the circle and spiral inwards, pressing the grass down with the broom handle or roller, until the circle is complete. 6) Walk out on a tangent from the circle to create a line to the next circle you are to create, and keep on going from step 3 again, varying the sizes of the circles. I asked him what he thought about people who, even though so many hoaxes have been exposed, still believe aliens made the circles, and go into great length to dish up arguments to convince you. "My thoughts on the 'true crop circle' believers... They do say that in true crop circles the molecules in the stems are altered to make them grow sideways, and that is why real circles continue to grow. Also, the circles I did were branded as fake because 'the colour of the corn was wrong.' Apparently real circles only appear in mature golden corn. The circles I did, did admittedly look a little rough around the edges, but with practice we've got better. In my opinion the self-proclaimed experts and book writers desperately want us to believe that it's something more than a hoax." "I would really like to believe that 'real' crop circles are the product of an alien intelligence trying to communicate with us in a cryptic way, but it seems far more likely that they're fakes or the product of some natural phenomena. I quite like that idea of the two old men, Doug and Dave [3], wandering around Wiltshire at night, making circles." And then there were the results: "It was dead funny the next day, watching the experts at work. My only regret is that the newspaper didn't do a helicopter shot of it." The sci.sceptic FAQ has this to say on the cellular changes in the plants: "What about cellular changes in plants within crop circles? ========================================================== Yes, what about the changes? Although this is another claim that is widely circulated among ufologists and cerealogists, the evidence is simply not very good. A few photographs of alleged changes in the 'crystalline structure' of wheat stems were published in some magazines and UFO publications. The method used was spagyrical analysis. This is a technique involving crystallization of the residue of organic material after harsh processing, invented three centuries ago and popularized by Sir Kenelm Digby. Digby is known for other wonderful inventions like condensation of sunlight and the development of sword salve (which you had to put on the weapon rather than on the wound, in order to cure the wound). The fact that this technique was tried at all casts serious doubts on the 'researchers' involved." Owl (rhenry9-2@mail.id.net) gave me a final tip to make your circles extra strange: "I also heard from somewhere that people would get strange or unusual chemicals (ones not used in that area or that perticular field) and throw them all over where the circles and or lines where. This would confuse the heck out of investigators and media..." I think this should give you enough info to make aliens land on cornfields planetwide. Balloons ======== A further reasonably cheap, often-used way of convincing people they are witnessing an UFO is the balloon prank. The balloons can be made of household trashbags, dry-cleaning bags, and for even more lift, one or several weather balloons. Note that trash bags are too heavy and not of sufficient volume to get airborne. To make one of these balloon UFOs you should tape up the hole(s) at the top of a dry-cleaning bag and tape a light loop of wire around the bottom to hold the hole underside and to connect a "basket." Then you should put some cotton on the very light basket construction you made under the hole. The ignited cotton should be able to produce enough warm air to lift the balloon and let it fly away, and should also be able to give the impression that the whole balloon is one large light. Be careful though in area's with a dry climate, such as Northern California. You don't want to burn anyone's house down [4]. Kaye Matkins (kmatkin@calvin.linfield.edu) had another suggestion: "My idea for a semi-ufo shen... It'd be kinda cool to attach a penlight to the bottom of a balloon (filled with helium, of course), tie it to the back of your car with about ten feet of cable, and drive around late at night at high speeds like it's after you..." To show balloon pranks actually work here are several experiences: Gordon Horner (ghorner@unixg.ubc.ca) actually launched some dry-cleaning bags and had this to say: "I had the satisfaction following one successful launching many years back of overhearing some visiting friends of my parents describing with awe the mysterious fireball they'd seen in the skies above their house the previous evening! Very rewarding!" Tom Elliott (tosh@zikzak.apana.org.au) wrote to me: "I was a `victim' of a UFO shen for a short while. I was driving at night, when I saw a group of lights in a circular pattern hovering above the suburbs. The lights gave the impression of a circular object rotating. As I got closer (and more curious) I realized I could see an object above it. As I got within several hundred meters I finally realized that it was a large balloon with a circular object underneath with flashing lights - a rather elaborate shen, really. Though it was effective. Shortly after the second world war, my father (I think about 12-14 years old at the time) purchased from an army surplus store a large meteorological balloon. It was capable of lifting fairly large objects (including his friend's young sister). They released the sister and let the balloon up into the air on a line, until the police arrived looking for the cause of the obstruction to air traffic. They released it, but it made the news as being an `unidentified object' hovering over the neighbourhood." Dave Sweeney (dave@integware.com) wrote: "Let's have a moment of reverent silence for Larry Walters, the truck driver from Los Angeles who tied 45 (count 'em, 45) weather balloons to his aluminum lawn chair and floated up 11,000 feet above his back yard. Mind you, he wasn't unprepared. He had a parachute, a CB radio, a six-pack, a few peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and a BB gun to shoot a couple of balloons when he decided it was time to return to Earth. Of course, he didn't set up his flight plan very well -- he floated right through the approach corridor to Los Angeles International Airport, one of the busiest pieces of airspace in the world. Kinda like riding your tricycle across the freeway... His comments to the press after landing were priceless. When he was asked why he did it, he responded, 'You can't just sit there.' Was he glad that he did it? 'Oh, yes.' Would he do it again? 'Nope.' My kinda guy!" Frank Reid (reid@ucs.indiana.edu) added: "Airline pilots spotted him, and FAA busted him for numerous violations. It made national (US) news, and numerous sympathizers helped pay his fine." Ancient Froods ============== A lot of ancient people, especially in South America, were real hoopy froods. I think they are the best experts ever at letting people believe all kind of weird stuff about aliens. You have only to think of all the work that must have been put into creating those "cosmic runways" which can only be detected from high in the air, on the Nazca Plain in the Andes, Peru, and of all the weird sculptures and figurines of kosmonauts. These dudes must have certainly had an extremely good foresight to be able to trick so many people even in our century! Maybe one of the most famous people they tricked was Erich Von D\"aniken, the famous Swiss author, who wrote loads of books with names like "Were the Gods Kosmonauts?," "Back to the stars," "Gold of the Gods," etc. etc. (or was Erich a prankster himself?). Couldn't we, the people of the twentieth century, do something similar and start a project to fool generations to come in thousands of years? Something on the moon maybe? Anyway, let us give a big applause to the earliest group of people who had the genuine hitchhiker spirit! (Sound of applause. [5]) There is one other ancient frood I want to mention and that is Piri Re'is, an admiral of the Turkish fleet in 1513, who has created a map of the world in such a projection as only a satellite above Cairo could photograph! Or an UFO of course. Boy, was this man subtle! [6] Adamski ======= A man from our century who has tried to let us believe a whole load of crap is George Adamski. He told lot's of stories of how he was taken by aliens to look at the vegetation, animals, and cities at the far side of the moon, and to see movies of the civilizations on Venus. He told about what the UFO's and their Mothership looked like, and about what the aliens looked like and what they thought. But he has also done something that fits this article better. He led people to believe that strange footsteps he made in the sand were made by aliens. As this took place in the year 1952, lot's of people believed that. Nowadays it is a lot more difficult to fool people this way, what with all the different kind of sneakers around. But today it might work the other way round. There could be a large market for sneakers with supposed alien soles like the one Adamski designed. Think about it, and remember I thought of it first. Anyway, Adamski did manage to get a lot of attention and was asked all over the world to tell his story. The Professionals ================= The military is a professional UFO faker. Numerous research aircraft tests have resulted in people convinced they had seen an UFO. This is however not a good example because the prank is just a side effect of trying to create further stronger weapons. I don't think that's cool, do you? Except... A reliable source visited a UFO conference in Twenty Nine Palms, USA [7] some time ago, and after the actual conference they went camping in the desert for one night. That same night strange lights appeared in the sky above the desert and moved around quite a bit. Even the experienced observer (the source) was baffled by it, and the rest of the conference went bonkers and started to record it with all kinds of weird instruments. It turned out there was a military base a little further on, where they knew about the conference, so they treated them to some amusing night exercises. Other Hoaxes ============ In 1967 Chris Southall, David Harrison and some other students from the Farnborough Royal Aircraft Establishment (UK) made six beeping saucers, with diameters of about 1.5 meters, and left them lying in several fields. The objective of the hoax (one of a series over three years) was to publicise their rag and thereby raise money for charity. They were pretty succesfull too, which proves that UFO pranks can be an effective tool for fundraising as well. If you have more ideas or experiences on the terrain of faking UFO's, send them to me! Your contribution will be much appreciated by the whole hitchhiker's society. Also note that I never said alien spacecraft don't exist (hahaha, ). I will have been right all along, whatever UFOs turn out to be. (Wimp!!) Riddle ====== As a riddle for the readers I leave with a case from a few years ago concerning Rotterdam police officers observing a strange object in the sky, which hovered over some farmland and then suddenly disappeared. What contraption did the hitchhiker who caused that use? (And now don't say an electronic thumb!) [1] These can be found at http://subnet.virtual-pc.com/bl386816/crops/ [2] Note: Here we see that hoaxes are detectible by tracks running through them. To fool people even better, find a way to get to the first circle without using or leaving tracks (parachuting, paragliding?). [3] Doug Bower and Dave Chorley. Many others have been caught, not only in Britain but in other countries such as Canada. Their methods range from inscribed circles with a pole and a length of rope to more complex systems involving chains, rollers, planks, and measuring devices. [4] Advice freely given by Grant Moulton (grantm@hpsadl2.sr.HP.COM). [5] Wouldn't it be neat to include sound files in the articles! [6] The very simple explanation as I see it is to just grab a globe and take it from there. Mind you, I'm not so sure about the dates involved (was the earth soccerballshaped already; had America recently been rediscovered?) [7] Yes, it does have 29 palms. %e *EOA* %t Bradford, England, UK, Earth %n 2R90 %s A Visitor's Guide To Bradford %a MAD Mosher (i.r.purdie@bradford.ac.uk) %d 19940619 %x Earth %e Location ======== Bradford is in West Yorkshire, about two-thirds of the way up England and more or less half-way between the East and West coasts. It's about 100 miles from Liverpool, and 100 from Newcastle (nice the way all these distances are easy to work out, isn't it?) which as we all know is the centre of the Universe (see separate article). Area ==== Numbers not available at the moment, but it's a far cry short of infinite. It's quite big, but the town centre's nice and compact so everything's within walking distance. You can cross the main part of town inside of 20 minutes at a brisk pace. Imports ======= Students -- large influx around September/October as swarms of these creatures descend upon an unsuspecting populace. Newcastle Brown Ale -- but this stuff gets everywhere anyway. It is, though, the only alcoholic beverage served in *every* bar and nightclub in Bradford. Exports ======= People with Yorkshire accents -- somewhere between "Ey, when I were a lad, you could get two punnets of chips for less than ha'penny" and "Gerrroorrrrffff moi laaaaand." Weather ======= Varies wildly. In the last two months we've had deep snow, scorching sun, torrential rain, howling gales... Pack sunglasses, pullovers, and waterproofs. And a towel. Population ========== Again, no numbers at the moment, but Bradford's quite packed, what with all these stingy students managing to cram about eight into a four-bedroom house. Although, this activity can be quite enjoyable... (see "Sex"). Monetary Units ============== The Pound Sterling. Next to worthless, but it's about the only thing these places accept. All other currencies are exchangeable at the myriad of banks around the university campus area (as if students ever have any money). Please ensure that you only try to change notes as the banks don't like to deal with fiddly small change. Don't panic too much about your cash when visiting Bradford -- it's a remarkably cheap place both to live an visit; cinemas being the only exception to this rule. Art === Plenty. No mirrors involved except during certain theatrical productions. Bradford is well served in this respect with five cinemas, four theatres, three museums and a handful of galleries. The cinemas range from the student offering and the standard 3-screen Odeon that just about every town seems to have, to the Pictureville which shows more arty and cult movies. Bradford is also home to the largest cinema screen in Britain -- the IMAX cinema situated within the Museum of Photography, Film and Television. The screen of this cinematographic monster is around 45' by 64' in dimension and is more of an experience than a simple film. Few films are available, but they are all exceptionally well produced. The author heartily recommends the new release "Africa: the Serengeti." Theatres include the Alhambra, St George's Hall (also a concert venue), and the Playhouse, which provide year-round entertainment. As for concerts, there's Rio's (best rock club in the north), the university, the Queen's Hall, St George's Hall, and all the venues in nearby Leeds. Bradford tends to be a town often played on many tours. Failing that, it's within easy travelling distance of many of the more popular venues, such as Birmingham, Nottingham, and Liverpool. As an added bonus, Bradford has a festival, imaginatively titled the "Bradford Festival" every year. This lasts for around a fortnight and includes street parties, special concerts, roadshows, promotions, and more. Very popular especially as Bradford is an exceedingly multicultural city, which leads to a great diversity in the entertainments offered. Sex === Bradford is a university town. Need I say more? If you're looking for any, try Lumb Lane at the top end of town. And add a bit to the amount of currency you'll be changing in one of the above-mentioned banking establishments. Safety ====== Don't walk around at night with large amounts of cash or you may suffer the same fate as that of the failed alcoholic: a sore head and an empty wallet. Beware of groups of people carrying offensive weapons, even the pensioners. But if you need to be told this, what are you doing hitchhiking? Where To Go =========== Check out the "Arts" section, but more specifically: Rio's on a Wednesday (student night), Friday and Saturday (rock nights). Cheap to get in, good music at the weekend, and not too expensive for a nightclub. More varied for a rock night than anywhere else I've ever been to. Bon Jovi to Type 'O' Negative! Maestro's on a Monday (student night), Friday and Saturday. Winner of the Best British Nightclub award three times, The Maestro is a sight for sore eyes: leather sofas, video games, confectionery stalls, and goldfish ponds. And that's just in the toilets! Outside the loos, the club is big -- two dance floors, six bars (one of which can rotate), lasers, strobes, and an excellent sound system. Shame the music's poo, though. Student night is one pound entry and cheap drinks all night; other nights are _bloody_ expensive! Cloud Nine: Like a small Maestro's on Tuesday. DJ's rubbish, though -- I've yet to hear him actually _finish_ a record. Quite cheap. Subway -- on the University campus, it's cheap and has a different theme every night: grunge on Monday, rock Tuesday, etc. Small, but friendly. FNDs and M&Ms both in the University Communal building. The FNDs are Friday Night Discos and M&Ms are themed discos every second Saturday. Both are cheap (FND around UK1.50, M&M's UK2.50). Both are very popular so get tickets in advance! Music's typical student fare, though the M&M's will be biased in favour of the theme of the evening. Expect to dress up for these to get the most of them! Hope all you hitchers find this of some use. I'll update the information as and when necessary. %e *EOA* %t Progressive Rock %n 2R92 %s A Really Hoopy Kind Of Music %a Joerg Rhiemeier (rhiemeir@ips.cs.tu-bs.de) %d 19940428 %i Rock, Progressive %x Prou'Gress Ivro'K %x Black Trenchcoats %e There is a very hoopy kind of music around called Progressive Rock. Progressive rock music is usually listened to without taking drugs, and progressive rock musicians usually don't take drugs either. Progressive rock music is characterized by complex song structures and sophisticated lyrics. The songs are often quite long; seven minutes are common, 20 minutes not unusual. Very often such a super-long track concludes an album of moderate-length pieces. A planet where quite much progressive rock music is played is Earth. Yes, Emerson Lake and Palmer, King Crimson, Pink Floyd, Rush, Marillion, the much-discussed newcomers IQ, Pendragon, Jadis, Shadowland, Chandelier, Charles Atlas, Livit and many other bands come from there. There are various kinds of sub-genres of progressive rock (or "prog," as it is sometimes abbreviated). The list below is far from being exhaustive, and not every single piece of progressive rock may fit smoothly in one of these categories. Classic Prog ============ This is heavy-duty rock/classic crossbreed stuff, like Emerson Lake and Palmer. Heavy Prog ========== A very vivid kind of music, with the complexity of progressive rock and the hard edge of heavy metal. Bands include Dream Theater, Queensryche, Livit, and Rush. Neo-Prog ======== This is a style developed in the late 70s/early 80s, mainly in England. This is not the most creative, but nowadays the most popular and most widespread kind of progressive rock. There are really *thousands* of bands, and there seems to be a tendency among their lead vocalists to play keyboards and wear black trenchcoats on stage. Marillion are often considered godfathers of Neo-Prog. Other better-known bands of this category include iQ, Jadis, Pendragon, and Shadowland. Symphonic Prog ============== That is the good old stuff of bands like early Yes, Genesis, and King Crimson. The pure essence of progressive rock. Only few newer bands got to a par with them, most who try end up doing neo-prog. Weird Prog ========== There are many bizarre freaks around, on the fringe of psychedelic music; things like early Pink Floyd and parts of King Crimson's oeuvre fall under this category. Many things that do NOT fall under the category "progressive rock" are often mistaken for it: "Alternative" music, psychedelic rock (unless it qualified as Weird Prog), stuff like late Genesis or Meat Loaf, hardcore, grunge, techno, trance, "new age" music, etc. Here a list of bands you could try out: Aphrodite's Child ================= Only their last album, _666_, is of interest. This 1970 vintage is a bizarre concept album based on the Apocalypse of John, a real must for any progressive rock fan! Eloy ==== A German progressive rock band. There is a thick German accent in the vocals, but otherwise it's neat. This is a typical example of mid-70s German progressive rock, often referred to as Kraut Rock. Emerson Lake And Palmer ======================= Their albums _Brain Salad Surgery_, _Tarkus_ and _Pictures At An Exhibition_ are must-haves. Don't bother with their late stuff; they did eventually burn out. Genesis ======= The old stuff until mid-70s is prog, the later matters not. Don't miss the 1974 album _The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway_. iQ == Yes, they do neo-prog in a vein similar to Marillion, but don't call them clones. They are at least as good as them. King Crimson ============ One of the very big classics. They got weirder and jazzier after their (often underrated) first albums. Marillion ========= The oft-cloned, but never-reached (except by iQ) godfathers of neo-prog. Their Fish-era albums are better than _Seasons End_ and _Holidays in Eden_, while _Brave_ is a gem again. Pink Floyd ========== Their first albums were _weird_ (don't miss this experience), their later ones good, but with a slant to dinosaurism. Rush ==== The first two albums sound quite much like a Led Zeppelin rip-off; _2112_ is heavy prog at its best; the following albums show, whilst keeping the same level of musical quality, a tendency to a more mellow sound using loads of synthesizers culminating in _Hold Your Fire_, after which the band reverted to a harder, more guitar-oriented sound. Yes === _Fragile_, _Close To The Edge_, _Tales From Topographic Oceans_ and _Relayer_ are their best albums, afterwards they did deteriorate. Though progressive rock music is not what hammers through the charts and is doodled up and down MTV, there is a large and growing fandom. These hoopy people even have their own newsgroup, alt.music.progressive. Here you will find more suggestions of what to try out. %e *EOA* %t New Zealand, Earth %n 2R93 %s Two (Or Three?) Islands, And Nobody Knows Which Is Which %a Joerg Rhiemeier (rhiemeir@ips.cs.tu-bs.de) %d 19931014 %i Pig Island(s) %x Australia, Earth %x Earth %e New Zealand is known to be one of the less warlike of the many warlike nations of the planet Earth. It consists of two remote islands commonly referred to as North Island and South Island. But these are not the real names of the islands. The real names of the islands are Mainland and Pig Island. The problem with these names is that nobody really knows which of the two islands is Mainland and which one is Pig Island. There are two theories about this. One theory states that Mainland is North Island and Pig Island is South Island. The other theory states that Mainland is South Island and Pig Island is North Island. Interestingly, most inhabitants of North Island support the first theory whilst most inhabitants of South Island support the second theory. This is, as anyone can see easily, quite confusing. But to make it even more confusing, some New Zealanders (apparently from both islands) object to the second sentence of this article. They say that New Zealand consists of *three* islands, of which the third (and, by far, largest) is named West Island. Most people in West Island, however, support neither of the theories discussed above, which makes the whole thing again more confusing. They say there were *two* Pig Islands: North Island and South Island. Furthermore, they don't name West Island West Island, but call it Australia, and object to being New Zealanders at all. The entire matter is considered to be the final proof that there is no such thing as an absolute space. %e *EOA* %t Vi Editor, A Beginner's Guide %n 2R94 %s Why Vi Is More Or Less Useful, Or At Least Funny %d 19940622 %a Rickard Andersson (rickard@softlab.se) %i Text Editors, Vi * %k Unix * %k NetHack * %k Emacs %x Unix Vi Editor, Case Study Of %e If you happen to be a beginner with the vi editor, or if you have used vi for a couple of years and just want to know what you have been doing, keep on reading. This is your chance to get a grip on the vi editor. The vi (can be pronounced like the word vie, as in the sentence "vie do you want to use it?") editor is a very powerful full-screen editor used mainly in the presence of the Unix operative system. If you feel that a full-screen editor is to much to handle, the line editor "ed" might be a more appropriate choice. Some people (mostly degenerated or mutated though) on the planet Earth are even, as the rumour tells it, using a text editor named Emacs. The rumour isn't capable of explaining why somebody would be using Emacs. For the real vi user that gets a nasty abstinence working with a graphic text editor or word processor on a non-unix OS, there are some variants of vi for, among others, the Mac OS. If you have been playing an excellent adventure game called NetHack, you will be used to the way vi users moves the insertion point in the text. You will know that the key [ h ] is used to move one character to the left and subsequently that the key [ l ] is used to move one character to the right. So, if you are an experienced NetHack player you could open the text file you want to make changes to and imagine that the monsters are attacking you. By typing along just as if you where playing NetHack, your text files could be transformed into a masterpiece of a text, maybe even in eminence for a Nobel Price in literature. To send new vi users in the right direction, some useful key combinations are listed below: o Press the [ G ] key to go to the end of your text file. o Press the [ ~ ] key to alter between lowercase and uppercase of the current character in the text file. o To replace all occurrences of '42' by '68', just press: [ : ], [ 1 ], [ , ], [ $ ], [ s ], [ / ], [ 4 ], [ 2 ], [ / ], [ 6 ], [ 8 ], [ / ], [ g ], [ Return ]. o To escape from the vi editor, the user has several choices: one is to press the [ Z ] key twice. Another variant is to press the keys [ : ], [ q ], [ ! ] and [ Return ]. o The [ . ] key is used when you want to repeat the last edit command over and over again. It is one of the more powerful commands in the vi editor. o Press the [ ' ] key twice to move the insertion point to the last known position in the text file. o For the ultimate thrill, a vi user with a high distress level could try to press [ Caps Lock ] and then the keys forming his name. Now you just have to watch things happening with your text file, in a nice and mostly harmless manner. The best way to recognize a vi user is to listen for the well known sounds "Ooops!," "Aha!" and "Finished, before my partner even have managed to load the text file into Word!". This is more or less everything you need to know to get started with vi. And remember, using vi isn't more complicated than making a correct "awk" or "sed" command. Read more about vi in the sequel _Vi Editor, A Less Beginner's Guide_. %e *EOA* %t How To Say "I Love You" In Different Languages %n 2R95 %a Knipper John (Author unavailable via Internet) * * Previous author email: knippejo@iuta.u-nancy.fr, but now he's gone * * found in soc.culture.nordic by Roel van der Meulen * (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) * %s My "I Love You" List %d 19940608 %i Languages, How To Say "I Love You" In %x Latin, On The _Ad Hoc_ Use Of %x Earth %e This article is a compilation of all the translations of "I LOVE YOU" I could find. The goal of this list was first a personnal goal, but I realised that it was significant to a lot more hitchhikers. If there is more than one version of a sentence, just choose the one that suits you best. The order was just a consequence of latinish alphabetic translation. And last, I don't understand even a single word of most of these languages, so please do not mess around with me. Language Translation -------- ----------- afrikaans Ek het jou liefe afrikaans Ek is lief vir jou alsacien Ich hoan dich gear amharic Afekrishalehou arabic Ana Behibak (to a male) arabic Ana Behibek (to a female) arabic Ib'n hebbak. arabic Ana Ba-heb-bak arabic nhebuk arabic OHIBOKE male to female arabic OHIBOKA female to male arabic OHIBOKOMA male or female to two males or two females arabic NOHIBOKE more than one male or female to female arabic NOHIBOKA m.t.o.m. or f. to male arabic NOHIBOKOMA m.t.o.m. or f. to two males or two females arabic NOHIBOKOM m.t.o.m. or f. to more than two males arabic NOHIBOKON m.t.o.m. or f. to more than two females arabic (not standard) arabic BAHIBAK female to male arabic BAHIBIK male to female arabic BENHIBAK more than one male or female to male arabic BENHIBIK m.t.o.m. or f. to female arabic BENHIBKOM m.t.o.m. or f. to more than one male assamese Moi tomak bhal pau basc Nere Maitea batak Holong rohangku di ho bavarian I mog di narrisch gern bengali Ami tomAy bhAlobAshi bengali Ami tomake bhalobashi. berber Lakh tirikh bicol Namumutan ta ka bolivian Quechua qanta munani bulgarian Obicham te burmese chit pa de cambodian Bon sro lanh oon cambodian kh_nhaum soro_lahn nhee_ah canadian French Sh'teme (spoken, sounds like this) cantonese Ngo oi ney catalan T'estim (mallorcan) catalan T'estim molt (I love you a lot) catalan T'estime (valencian) catalan T'estimo (catalonian) cebuano Gihigugma ko ikaw. chickasaw chiholloli (first "i" nasalized) chinese Wo ie ni corsican Ti tengu cara (to female) corsican Ti tengu caru (to male) croatian LJUBim te czech miluji te czech MILUJU TE! (colloquial form) danish Jeg elsker dig dutch Ik hou van jou dutch Ik ben verliefd op je ecuador Quechua canda munani esperanto Mi amas vin estonian Mina armastan sind estonian Ma armastan sind farsi Tora dust midaram farsi Asheghetam farsi (Persian) doostat dAram filipino Mahal ka ta filipino Iniibig Kita finnish Mina" rakastan sinua flemish Ik zie oe geerne french Je t'aime friesian Ik hald fan dei gaelic Ta gra agam ort galego (galicia) querote (or) amote german Ich liebe Dich greek s' agapo greek (old) (Ego) philo su (ego is only needed for emphasis) gujrati Hoon tane pyar karoochhoon. hausa Ina sonki hebrew Ani ohev otach (male to female) hebrew Ani ohev otcha (male to male) hebrew Ani ohevet otach (female to female) hebrew Ani ohevet otcha (female to male) hindi Mai tumse pyar karta hoo hokkien Wa ai lu hopi Nu' umi unangwa'ta hungarian Szeretlek hungarian Szeretlek te'ged icelandic Eg elska thig indonesian Saja kasih saudari indonesian Saya Cinta Kamu indonesian Saya cinta padamu indonesian Aku cinta padamu irish taim i' ngra leat italian ti amo (if it's a relationship/lover/spouse) italian ti voglio bene (if it's a friend, or relative) japanese Kimi o ai shiteru japanese Watakushi-wa anata-wo ai shimasu javanese Kulo tresno kannada Naanu Ninnanu Preethisuthene kannada Naanu Ninnanu Mohisuthene kiswahili Nakupenda klingon qabang klingon qaparHa' (depends where in the galaxy you are) korean Tangsinul sarang ha yo korean Nanun tangshinul sarang hamnida korean No-rul sarang hae (man to woman in casual relation) korean Tangshin-ul sarang hae-yo korean Tangshin-i cho-a-yo (i like you, in a romantic way) kurdish Ez te hezdikhem (?) lao Koi muk jao latin Te amo latin Vos amo latin (old) (Ego) amo te (ego, for emphasis) latvian Es milu tevi (Pronounced "Ess tevy meeloo") lingala Nalingi yo lisbon lingo gramo-te bue', chavalinha lithuanian TAVE MYLIU (ta-ve mee-lyu) lojban mi do prami luo Aheri macedonian SAKAM TE! madrid lingo Me molas, tronca malay Saya cintamu malay Saya sayangmu malay/Indonesian Aku sayang enkow malay/Indonesian Sayah Chantikan Awah malayalam Njyaan Ninne' Preetikyunnu malayalam Njyaan Ninne' Mohikyunnu. mandarin Wo ai ni marathi me tujhashi prem karto (male to female) marathi me tujhashi prem karte (female to male) mohawk Konoronhkwa navaho Ayor anosh'ni ndebele Niyakutanda norwegian Eg elskar deg (Nynorsk) norwegian Jeg elsker deg (Bokmaal) (pronouncedyai elske dai) osetian Aez dae warzyn persian Tora dost daram polish Kocham Cie polish Ja cie kocham portuguese Amo-te portuguese (brazilian) Eu te amo punjabi Mai taunu pyar karda. romanian Te iu besc russian Ya vas liubliu russian ya liubliu tebia russian ya tebia liubliu russian Ya polyubeel tebya. scot Gaelic Tha gra\dh agam ort serbian LUBim te. serbocroatian volim te shona Ndinokuda sinhalese Mama oyata adarei sioux Techihhila slovak lubim ta slovene ljubim te spanish Te quiero spanish Te amo srilankan Mama Oyata Arderyi swahili Naku penda (followed by the person's name) swedish Jag a"lskar dig swiss-German Ch'ha di ga"rn syrian/Lebanes BHEBBEK (to a female) syrian/Lebanes BHEBBAK (to a male) tagalog Mahal kita tamil Ni yaanai kaadli karen (You love me) tamil n^An unnaik kAthalikkinREn (I love you) tcheque MILUJI TE^ telugu Neenu ninnu pra'mistu'nnanu telugu/india Nenu Ninnu Premistunnanu thai Ch'an Rak Khun thai Phom Rak Khun tunisian Ha eh bak * turkish Seni seviyo*rum (o* means o) ukrainian ja tebe koKHAju (real true love) ukrainian ja vas koKHAju ukrainian ja pokoKHAv tebe ukrainian ja pokoKHAv vas urdu Mujhe tumse mohabbat hai vietnamese Em ye^u anh (woman to man) vietnamese Toi yeu em vietnamese Anh ye^u em (man to woman) vlaams Ik hue van ye vulcan Wani ra yana ro aisha welsh 'Rwy'n dy garu di. welsh Yr wyf i yn dy garu di (chwi) yiddish Ich libe dich yiddish Ich han dich lib yugoslavian Ya te volim zazi Ezhele hezdege (sp?) zuni Tom ho' ichema zulu Ngiyakuthanda! Explanation of Languages ------------------------ Afrikaans -> People of Dutch heritage in south Africa. Alsacien -> french/german dialect (live in france, but speak like german) Assamese -> language spoken in the state of Assam, India Batak -> North Sumatra province of indonesia Bavarian -> Southern state of Germany (actually a German dialect) Bengali -> language spoken in the state of West Bengal, India, as well as almost all people of BANGLADESH Bicol -> Philipin dialect Cebuano -> language spoken in philipino near the town of Cebu Chickasaw -> Native American spoken in southeastern Oklahoma. Friesian -> they speak the language in Northern Holland in Northern Germany and in some parts of Denmark mainly west coast Gaelic -> Irish Gujrati -> language spoken in the state of Gujrat, India Hindi -> language spoken in the nothern states of India Hopi -> North American Indian Tribe (Southwest maybe?) Kannada -> Language of Karnataka a state in south India. Klingon -> Spoken in Star Trek Luo -> Kenya Malayalam -> language of Kerala State, India, Marathi -> This language is also from India from the state of Maharashtra of which Bombay is the capital. Mohawk -> North american Indian tribe (New England, maybe one of the Sven Nations/Iriquois) Navaho -> North american Indian tribe (southwest) Ndebele -> Zimbabwe Punjabi -> Northern India Quechua -> Quecha is a Mayan language Shona -> Zimbabwe Sinhalese -> Language of the non-Tamil (majority) people of Sri Lanka Sioux -> North American Indian tribe from the upper Midwest. Tagalog -> Filipino language Tamil -> language spoken in the state of Tamil Nadu, India and in Sri Lanka, Singapore, Malaysia, Mauritus .... Telugu -> southeastern state of India. (eleventh most spoken language in the world.) Urdu -> the language spoken in pakistan Vlaams -> Belgian Dutch Vulcan -> Spoken in Star Trek Zazi -> Kurdic dialect Credits go to: A lot of people who have sent me their lists. %e *EOA* %t Prolific Writing %n 2R96 %s How To Write Properly (Or Not To) %a Christopher P. Thomas (C.P.Thomas@CS.BHAM.AC.UK) * Full Internet address: C.P.Thomas@computer-science.birmingham.ac.uk %d 19931211 %i Deadlines, Problems With %x Writers' Block %e Most problems with creative writing these days stem from deadlines. It's the old story of: 1) Writer gets commission to write something. 2) Publisher says "jolly good" and goes off to annoy another less fortunate writer. 3) Writer attempts to write something, but gives up, thinking "I'll start tomorrow." 4) Publisher tells writer to finish current chapter by the end of the month. 5) Writer goes to lots of parties and forgets about deadline. 6) Publisher gets irritable when first deadline passes. 7) Writer has lots more fun at parties, and attempts to explain away hangover by calling it "writer's block." 8) Publisher gets angry and sets another deadline. 9) Writer tries to do some writing, and misses said deadline. 10) Repeat steps 6 & 7 for a few times until everyone gets dizzy. 11) Writer eventually finishes book. 12) Publisher is happy, and pays writer copious amounts of money. 13) Writer is mobbed by scores of marauding fans armed to the teeth with autograph books. To avoid these unpleasant situations, try the following system instead: 1) Think up an idea for you to write about. Don't tell anyone about it. 2) Lock yourself away in a room with your word processor, microwave cooker, and several heat-and-eat meals. 3) If anyone asks what you are doing, say you are playing one of those computer games that is so complicated, if you leave it now, you'll never complete it, ever. 4) Write the book, without pressure of deadlines or death threats from irritable publishers. 5) When the book is finished, tell Publisher that you have an idea for a book (sneaky huh?). 6) Publisher says "jolly good" and wonders which unfortunate writer to intimidate next. 7) Writer goes to lots of parties, and forgets about nasty Publisher. 8) Publisher sets lots of deadlines, and is surprised when... 9) Writer magically makes all the deadlines. 10) Everyone is happy, and writer gains reputation as a miracle worker. I think you will agree this is a far better system than the first, since it avoids all those nasty headaches, vicious confrontations over the phone, premature hair loss, drunken let-me-forget-everything stupors, and sleepless nights that are usually associated with writing wonderful works of literature. Of course, you could just ignore everything in this section and go to a party. %e *EOA* %t No Charge %n 2R97 %s How To Get Free Coke, Telephone Calls, And More %a John Smith (author not available via Internet) * * Brough to you from alt.shenanigans by * Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) * %d 19940519 %x Easy Ways To Save Money %e As the hitchhiker is always looking for ways to avoid having to hand out their money, here are some tips to get things for free! FREE COKE --------- Go to your local convenience store. While the store clerk isn't looking, grab some coke and run for it. NOTE: If you bring a weapon, you can even do it while they're looking. FREE TELEPHONE CALLS -------------------- Call from work. FREE PIZZA ---------- Hang around the dumpster outside your favorite pizza joint. When they close, they'll bring out all of the bizarre unsellable cold pizzas that various jokers ordered during the day - wait until they're gone and grab them! Free pizza! FREE FIREWOOD ------------- Look in the newspaper for ads saying "Free Firewood, you haul away." Haul it away. FREE ATTENTION -------------- Post the "MAKE MONEY FAST" article to the newsgroup of your choice. You'll have hundreds of email friends within a week, and your news admin will too! %e *EOA* %t Grantchester, Near Cambridge, England, UK, Earth %n 2R98 %s Tea And Scones %a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (alexmc@biccdc.co.uk) %d 19940622 %x Cambridge, England, UK, Earth %x Earth %e Grantchester is a pleasant village on the river Cam, slightly to the south west of Cambridge. It boasts several pubs with beer gardens. If a more sober repast is required, The Orchard has a tea room and garden - complete with deck chairs, Earl Grey Tea, huge slices of chocolate cake, not to mention scones, cream, and jam. This is a most relaxing environment for a chat, or just a sun bath; however do not expect peace and quiet as you will probably be surrounded by screaming kids. The Orchard is a perfect place for writing PGG articles or reading a book, but if you try to do either of those things whilst sitting with friends they are bound to take the piss out of you. %e *EOA* %t Opinions On UFOs %n 2R99 %s Take Me To Your Leader %a Anonymous (Captured from the Usenet group alt.angst) * * Captured from alt.humor.best-of-usenet by Roel van der Meulen * (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) * %d 19940622 %i Government Conspiracies, UFO Evidence Cover-Up %i Conspiracy, Alien %i Doubts With Society %i UFOs, Opinions On %x Faking UFOs %x Telephones %x Alien Identification %e UFOs Are Nothing to Worry About ------------------------------- There was a guy on the front page of the local newspaper the other day who claimed the US government is involved in a conspiracy to cover up the existence of aliens visiting Earth. The only person who could pull off that kind of conspiracy was buried recently (Nixon). Clinton can't even hide a bad condo deal much less the mother ship from the plant Zenon. Perhaps that was what was on those lost 18 minutes of Watergate tapes. Perhaps Nixon and Elvis are serving Slurpees in an Idaho Falls Seven-11 right now. Perhaps there is a certain percentage of the population that is just spared the ravages of intelligence here so they seek it elsewhere. If these really are aliens visiting us, they are goofy aliens. I'm not sure we have much to fear or much to learn from a culture that travels light years across the galaxy just to mess up our wheat fields and abduct guys named Bubba from Mississippi swamplands. And if they are going to abduct people like this, why do they give them back? And what is the deal with "crashed UFOs?" They somehow negotiated the cosmos only to be felled by a tricky cross wind in New Mexico? Where did they learn to drive? Utah? There are enough real things to be worried about other than aliens in a government relocation program. I personally worry that just about any day now "The" Cable Company is going to announce to the world that it really is "The" Phone Company in disguise and that they are really, really mad about the break up of AT&T. You think the advertisements for phone services are bad, just wait till the TV giants go at it. I worry that those fiber-optic cables run both directions and that they have enough dirt on all of us to make Nixon look like the saint he was portrayed as in all those eulogies. Heck, maybe TV is part of the alien conspiracy plot. Maybe a silver ship will land on the White House lawn like in the movie "The Day the Earth Stood Still" and out will step Ted Turner and Ross Perot who rip off their rubber faces only to reveal the hideous truth... that they are still Ted Turner and Ross Perot. "We come in peace. We come to bring you affordable cable TV." Yeah, it could be true, my psychic friend said so. I think we should get a refund every time the cable company shows a Police Academy movie. I think C-Span and the Home Shopping Network should combine so that you could actually buy senators form the comfort of your own home. I think there is too much sex and violence...... in professional sports. I think if you turn down the sound, the video babes and studs on MTV and the Nashville Network are starting to look eerily alike. I think line dancing is a plot to bring back disco. I'm worried that people are actually starting to commit bizarre crimes just so they can meet Connie Chung or Phil Donahue. I'm worried about the mixed morals of people who have both radar detectors and car alarms. To counteract this, I think police should hand out car alarm detectors to criminals. I wonder, if "milk does a body good" why hasn't a cow ever won the Kentucky Derby? I worry that those Soloflex and Nordic Trak machines seem to make men's chest hair fall out. Really, look closely at the before and after pictures sometime. I wonder what kind of chair people with Buns of Steel find comfortable? I wonder if the Juice Man has any teeth? I wonder if the UFO conspiracy guy isn't right after all. %e *EOA* %t Random Dot Stereograms %n 2R101 %s Random Dot Stereograms And Why Not To See Them %a Tony Blews (hat@mono.org) %d 19940622 %i Subliminal Advertising %i Conspiracy, Subliminal Advertising %x Opinions On UFOs %e As far as I can work out, Random Dot Stereograms can be explained 3 ways. 1) Drugs. Look at it this way: Its a piece of paper with a funny squiggle on it, and it causes people to see things that aren't really there. That smacks of drug use in my book. 2) The Emperor's New Clothes. Someone came up with the idea that if you can see these things then you must be intelligent. Everyone else who says they can see them is either (a) lying so that people will think that they're clever, or (b) on drugs (see point 1). 3) The Mind Control/Conspiracy Theory. Subliminal advertising and brainwashing for the masses. If you stare at these things for long enough, you will be hypnotised and programmed to do vile things. Is it just a coincidence that the people who can see these images also drink brand-name Cola and listen to Top 40 radio? Only the weak-willed and easily-led can see Random Dot Stereograms, according to our research. Also, we don't know the side effects of viewing these things. Is there a possibility of RDS Flashbacks? A nation of people suddenly dashing into a shop to buy a can of brand-name Cola just because they've seen what may be a dolphin (but they're not quite sure) out of the corner of their eye. Whenever I mention this conspiracy theory, it seems that people either want to lock me up for being a nutter, or simply to pummel my face and tell me to shut up. Do I touch a raw nerve? Are they in on the "Big Secret?" %e *EOA* %t Westerbork Array, Westerbork, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth %n 2R102 %s The Westerbork Synthesis Radio Telescope (WSRT) %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940627 %d 19990313 %i WSRT %x Earth %x Dwingeloo, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth %x Football %x Sun, The %x Moon, The %x Mars %x Jupiter, Sol V %x Venus, Sol II %x Mercury, Sol I %p 2R102_1.gif Part of the Westerbork Array %e The Westerbork Array is an array of 14 radio telescopes with diameters of 25 metres each. The array is straight east-west with telescope zero (in the west) through nine fixed, and telescopes A, B, C, and D moveable on a railway track: 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 A B C D ============ ===== ("=" is the railway). The fixed telescopes are 144 metres apart and the maximum baseline length is 2.8km. Shadowing, which happens when one telescope is in view of the next, occurs for sources near the celestial equator, particularly for the shortest baseline (9A). The computer limits elevations to above 5 degrees - below that you are probably observing the trees anyway. I think that's about enough technical stuff for now, except for this: Around radio telescopes it is necessary to have disturbance-free zones. The extremely weak radio signals are very vulnerable, so special care is taken to remove all disturbances from the signal. A lot of disturbances are prevented by not allowing any motorized vehicles near the telescopes. I have seen numerous dick-heads who have, regardless of the warnings, driven their cars into the area to have a _short_ stroll through the neighbouring park. This makes it necessary to throw away a lot of signal, screwing up parts of someone's research and ruining many man-hours of work. How I hate stupid people! As it is forbidden for cars to enter the disturbance-free zone of Westerbork, you have to park your car and then walk to the telescopes. The state forest department has set out a special hiking trail from the Hooghalen car park to the telescopes. Along the way there are educational show-cases that tell a lot about a diversity of astronomical subjects. Additionally, a scaled solar system can be observed along the same track. This mainly tries to give you an idea of the relative sizes of the planets and of the distances between them. Every step you take is 2.5 million kilometres in reality. The sun is as large as a football and the planets have sizes ranging from centimetres to even millimetres. The whole track is 4 kilometres long. Halfway there are also two parabolic reflectors, which illustrate how radio astronomy uses dishes to collect signals from far away. They are reasonably far apart, but when you whisper at one end you can still be heard at the other. Finally at the end of the path you reach the telescopes. There you will also find four show-cases, giving some facts about about radio astronomy. If you find yourself inside the Westerbork Observatory [1], one of the most exciting things that can happen is the starting of an observation period. The main thing that you can see happening is this: All 14 telescopes change direction simultaneously. A majestic sight! After that the recording tapes are changed and... you wait. And wait. (This is probably not one of the best moments to try to explain the joys of being a radio astronomer.) What I like about the institute is the small extension of the building which, when standing inside, has the feel of an airport control tower. You feel you control every movement of all the huge dishes. (I mean huge with comparison to your average cereal plate.) For most people in the Netherlands the name Westerbork rings quite a different bell than it does for astronomers. During the second world war there was a concentration camp at this same spot, where people had to wait before being transported to the destruction camps in Germany. There is a war memorial near the telescopes. An insane person once wanted to damage the memorial, but because the people who take care of it are aware that neo-nazis sometimes try to vandalize these kind of things, the memorial was well protected. Frustrated, the man went to the Westerbork Array control centre, which wasn't, and wrecked a lot of the computers. Everything is OK again now, but alertness is now higher than it used to be. How to get there: In Assen choose the road to Hooghalen, there turn right across the railway tracks and then take the first road to the right. You can also take the Hoogeveen-Assen train and depart at Beilen, take the road to Hooghalen, there turn left across the railway tracks, etc. It may be amusing to know the name of a small village nearby: Amen. [1] http://www.nfra.nl/wsrt/index.htm %e *EOA* %t Dwingeloo, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth %n 2R103 * Update edited by 9 %s Mostly For Old Tourists %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940627 %d 19961124 %k Dwingeloo Radio Telescope And Observatory %k Dwingelderveld National Park, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth %x Westerbork Array, Westerbork, Drenthe, Netherlands, Earth %x Earth %x Miniature Golf %x Tourists %p 2R103_1.gif The Dwingeloo Radio Telescope as seen from the institute. %p 2R103_2.gif The Dwingeloo Radio Telescope on a nice day. %e Dwingeloo is a small village in the east of the Netherlands that is almost completely aimed at tourism. Farming is the only profession besides tourism. In the winter season Dwingeloo is _dead_. It is the place where the word "zombie" was invented. Astronomy ========= In the winter, the most exiting thing about Dwingeloo is the Dwingeloo Radio Observatory, with their radio telescope. When you've seen a radio telescope at work, you'll understand how much happens there. Observing a radio telescope you can see a large metal wired dish on a mount, ... ... aaaaaannnnnnnnnnddddddddddd... ... ssoommeettiimmeess... ... iitt... ... mmoovveess...!!! Inside the Dwingeloo Radio Institute there is a lot more to see. Computers, for one. There are about 90 people who work at the "Dwingeloo radiosterrenwacht." Most of them are technicians who support the Dwingeloo Radio Telescope and the Westerbork Array, which lies approximately 25 km north, and the Mauna Kea and La Palma observatories abroad. There are only a few astronomers, who mainly work in the field of radio astronomy. That includes a small VLBI group (Very Large Baseline Interferometry) called JIVE (Joint Institute for VLBI in Europe). Also a bit of optical astronomy is conducted, but I don't know what exactly. The Netherlands Foundation for Research in Astronomy is housed at this place. Everyone has recently moved to the new building, with nice modern architecture; the good type, as long as you don't lean against the cardboard-thin walls. The old building was very leaky. Where To Stay ============= If you, as a hitchhiker, want to have nice lodgings around Dwingeloo, you should preferably be an astronomer, and second, get invited to the institute. That usually implies that you will have to do some astronomical work there, but that's not so much if you see what you get back for it. The guest house is big enough for six and has a large kitchen and a living room with furniture in the style of the 1950s. It has been refurnished recently, so I don't know what it looks like now. Still, I advise you, based on old personal experience, to try and stay there. The people are very friendly, provided you're not there illegally. Other places to stay in the Dwingeloo area are camping sites and hotels. When in the area, it is absolutely impossible to miss them, or a sign to them, so don't bother to look one up beforehand. It seems that they just grow there. Nature ====== The Dwingeloo radio telescope lies in the middle of a national park. In this park you can walk or cycle, provided you don't mind going around in circles, for several hours. It is maybe the oldest or least changed forest in the Netherlands, yet nothing in it is as it was hundreds of years ago; how sad. It is also the largest united wet moor area in Europe. The area is indeed rather wet, so you can sometimes find your path blocked by large pools. Walking off the paths to circumvent them is one of the more exciting things to do, not only because it is very difficult not to get wet, but also because hunters have a license to kill: a permit to shoot everything that is off the paths during hunting season, which is approximately between spring and autumn. At least one hunter has shot, just for the hell of it, a cat of the caretaker of the Dwingeloo Radio Observatory, which was wondering just outside the garden. When the caretaker asked the hunter not to shoot his other cat, the hunter replied he'd shoot _anything_ on forest terrain that he damn well pleased to. Therefore it is amazing you can still find some wild [1] deer over there, even more because wild animals are very uncommon in the Netherlands. When standing in the forest, suck in the atmosphere and think of Tolkien. Imagine you're a bird and this is your room, with some noisy neighbors, though. When you "awake" and innocently take a step back, you will find that you have just bumped into one of the countless old people cycling and walking around the place. They are friendly, as long as you don't bump them over (too often). There is a large moor area in the national park. The moor isn't very exciting, because it is just a large plane filled with low growing purple shrub and an occasional "tree" (juniper). Yet, environmentalist groups try very hard to preserve this landscape all over the country. Trees are cut down, and grass and weeds are removed by letting sheep graze on it. What is peculiar about this, is that moor is absolutely _not_ natural landscape. It came into being because sheep ate all the grass and prevented trees from growing there, so it is partly caused by man. Anyway, a lot of people like the moor, even more if they carry magnifying glasses to observe the local flora: bell-heather, ling, "zonnedauw," harebell-gentian, and lots of grass. The grass grows there because the soil is "too fertile", if that's possible. It is nice, purple and empty and fun for rabbits. It is hard not to notice that a lot of other, silly animals live there too. There are vipers, amphibians, insects, and stupid birds who fly up every time you get near, and then fly away, frantically trying to get your attention by hysterical chirping so that you won't notice the nest they were sitting on. It tends to get annoying and you start to wonder what this flaw in your personality they refer to is. Again, I have to give you a warning, but now of a complete different nature. Even though someone might tell you the vipers are there, don't attempt to look for them. Not because they are dangerous, but because they don't want to be found. If people say there are vipers, let them point them out themselves, otherwise the search will be futile and you will find yourself looking for them for days on end. Some areas of moor are interesting simply because of their names: the murderer's moor and the burial mounds. Spooky! Pubs And Other Places To Go =========================== The Forest Pub -------------- If you are lucky and not mislead by signs pointing in random directions, in the middle of the woods you may be able to find the cozy little place known under a number of names: the forest pub ("de bospub"), the pancake barn ("de pannekoekschuur"), and the farmer's firs ("de boerdennen") miniature golf course. I have been there twice, two years apart, and this is what I can say about it: When you enter the place, it looks a bit like a bicycle shed. In fact, it _is_ a shed. On top of the roof beams lie a number of weird objects that, I guess, can always come in handy: cross-country skis, an exhaust pipe, and a lot of undefinable other things. There are crude wooden benches lit by candles and the atmosphere you haven't seen anywhere else. Your host(s) treat you like you are guests in their own home, and make a special effort to make sure you have a good and special time. The pancakes are delicious, yet one is enough, especially if you take a bacon and cheese topping. It is possible that a friendly, large, dog will beg for bits by putting its head on your knee. Please protect the dog from itself and don't give it anything. The pancakes will cost you between 10 and 15 guilders, but you get a free round of miniature golf. The golf course lies in a garden which is very nice to look at, because with a lot of rubble the owner has created an organic, Gaudi-like, small park. It also contains a very small amphitheater where in high season stories are told. It is claimed that plays are be held here, but they have to be plays that can be performed on a two square meters small stage. I have been to this place with a large group too; we had booked it out of season. We had a wonderful barbecue, with the most delicious salads and side dishes. We came too early to be welcomed by torches, but the owner called the local storyteller, who told us two stories. The signs that point to this place ("Bosrand 18") that have generously been spread all over the Dwingeloo area indicate that you can also go there for: parties, children's garden parties, droppings (not the odourous ones), "klootschieten" [2], cycling, covered wagons, and the exhibition garden (oh, I mentioned that one already). All in all: visit this place when you're in the neighbourhood. Although I have heard that the license has been revoked a couple of times due to poor hygiene in the kitchen, due to the dog, both visits left me unscathed and highly entertained. This place doesn't have its like anywhere else. Other Pubs ---------- Besides the forest pub, there is also a pub called "de dubbeldek." When you enter the place, you get the feeling you're starring in a cheap western. Opening the door you create a massive silence and the whole saloon gapes at the new stranger in town. Another pub, at the town square (de Brink) is "the Pizza Pub". I have heard it is OK. Places To Go ------------ If you're interested in ancient relics, go to the "Number One" disco. I think that sentence is quite self-explanatory. What Dwingeloo also has is sauna called the currantblossom ("krentenbloesem"), and a cafe/restaurant called "vogelsangh," roughly translated as "Chirp!". For a swim you can go to the swimming pool "De Paasbergen" (The Easter Mountains), but don't go to the blue lake, a hole of water where they dig sand for the industry; it is a dangerous place. There is also a tennis court, and you can rent horses and covered wagons everywhere and go bowling and miniature golfing at hotel "De Boerken." At the town square you can rent bikes to get yourself to all those places I mentioned. There are also, twice a year, horse markets, and sometimes square evenings with a fun fair and folkloristic dance groups [3]. Dwingeloo has exactly two musea, one of them is the museum of old and antique prams. It is opened from April 1st to October 31st from 13:30 till 17:00, except on Mondays. Somewhere outside Dwingeloo you can find the "planetron" which is open during hunting season. Here you can enjoy a planetarium and a movie theater with a dome-like surround projection screen (350m2). There is also a museum of space-thingies and an observatory where you can look at the stars in the evening. Too bad it's never open later than 22:30 in the summer so you won't see a lot of them. Final Bits ========== As I said, Dwingeloo itself is a place that exists only for the sake of tourism, so outside the tourist season (another word for "hunting season") there is nothing at all to do. In the winter you can go cross-country skiing there. Some 1,700 people live in the village. Dwingeloo is also the name of the municipality within which lies the (original) village of Dwingeloo, Dieverbrug, Eemster, Geeuwenbrug, Leggeloo, Lhee, Lheebroek, and Westeinde, making a total of 3,800 inhabitants. The Dwingeloo municipal area is 6,882 hectare, with about 1,400 ha forest and 1,075 ha wasteland. As far as politics are concerned, Dwingeloo is in every way a farming village. Only the interests of the farmers count, and there is even a political movement with the slogan: "Dwingeloo for the farmers!" Maybe as a consequence of this, or maybe not, shops are closed on Monday plus every day between 12:30 and 13:30. Saturday the shops close at 17:00, instead of the usual 18:00. How To Get There ================ By bus: take line 20 from the Meppel and Assen railway station (every hour), or line 35 from the Hoogeveen railway station (irregular). By car: Dwingeloo lies 2 km east of the Assen-Meppel highway and 8 km west of the Zwolle-Groningen highway. [1] "Wild" meaning: "afraid of humans due hunting experiences." This, opposed to the true "wild": "what kind of upright walking animal is _that_!" [2] I will not translate that sooner than I know _exactly_ what that means; the Dutch know why. [3] Dutch folkloristic dances suck! %e *EOA* %t Lenin Museum, Moscow, Russia, Earth %n 2R104 %s When I Grow Old, I Want My Museum, Too %a Florent de Dinechin (fdupont@irisa.fr) %d 19940618 %i Vladimir Ilitch Ulianov %i Soviet Shrines %x Earth %e A big brick building located on one side of the Red Square next to the Kremlin, the Lenin Museum is one of the most interesting thing to visit in Moscow (Russia, Earth). On its three stages you will see several hundreds of pictures of Vladimir Ilitch, plus several kilometers of his quotations. You will be driven through his life with great details by charming tour guides (well, as charming as is compatible with twenty years of loyalty to the Party), perfectly speaking your language, in the respect that they have learnt by heart in your language the complete works of Lenin. Things To Do ============ In the first room, you will be shown a report card of young Vladimir Ilitch, where all of the marks are excellent except one. Ask about this one to your guide: she will explain you in great details that this particular teacher has been proven to be a maniac by later investigation. Actually, we didn't have to ask about it - she started defending poor young Lenin before we even asked. Each time you pass along one of those Sovietic painting where you can see all the hoopy team of the first days of the Revolution; the tour guide will tell you that the guy there on the left used to be Trotsky, and the guy there on the other side used to be Stalin. But after Stalin eliminated Trotsky at Lenin's death, the looser had to disappear from all the official paintings and documents. Then at the de-Stalinization, under Krushtshev, the evil Stalin was in turn erased from all the paintings, and sometimes Trotsky was painted back. Nowadays they don't know actually what they should do with all these multi-layered paintings. Some of the photographs underwent the same treatment, and they now show all the successive versions, which is most interesting for Field Researchers - after seeing that, one feels free of inventing historical nonsense for The Guide. As often as possible, ask your tour guide about the words of wisdom lying everywhere on the walls, ceiling and ground, just for the pleasure of hearing her translate them without even looking at them. More generally, ask questions of the type, "what do you think Lenin thought about this and this," and she will delight you with a ten-minute quotation of the idol in the purest Sovietic style. In the end, you definitely have to ask a question like, "do you think that things would have gone better if Trosky had won instead of Stalin." Before the end of the communism, the answer was easy: "I don't see how things could have gone better." Nowadays she will try a variation on this theme (just insist), and then escape by suddenly pretending she doesn't speak our language that well. The most impressive room of the museum is the room filled with all the effigies of Lenin given to the USSR by brother countries and others. Here you find Lenins made of fur, of rice, of wood, of feathers, of fabrics, of all possible materials; Lenins that look like Asians or Blacks; big Lenins and small Lenins; and some exotic ones, like a picture of Lenin on a piece of American spy plane shot by the Cubans. According to a widely-spread rumour, Paul Clegg decided that he would also become the Founder of Something after visiting the Lenin Museum. The other museum definitely to visit in Moscow is the Mayakovsky Museum, in the former building of the KGB on the Lubianka. It is almost, but not exactly, everything but Lenin Museum. %e *EOA* %t Lyon, France, Earth %n 2R105 %s The Second Town Of France, Ten Times Smaller Than The First %a Florent de Dinechin (fdupont@irisa.fr) %d 19940622 %i Parisians %x Earth %e Lyon is a big, noisy, coloured and sometimes pleasant city of France, Europe, Earth. Its main drawback is to be inhabited by almost one million of the so-called Lyonnais. There are several ways of visiting Lyon, of which we first present the Parisian way: Parisians are an amazing race of human beings who evolved separately in Paris, France, Europe, Earth for about two millennia until they finally enjoyed living there, strange as it may seem to us civilized people. Sometimes, however, following certain well-known cycles, Parisians get tired of the smoke, noise, concrete and crowd of Paris, and therefore enter their cars and move, all together, to the south of France where they cover the coast with concrete and then complain that it is almost as noisy, crowded, concrete-covered and smoggy as Paris. For our purpose, the interesting point in this funny behaviour, apart the fact that they sometimes take hitchhikers in the process, is that the motorway from Paris to the South drives through Lyon. Not around Lyon, you see, but really through Lyon. There are plans to build a derivation around the town, but nobody really believes it will actually happen. Moreover, in Lyon, the motorway passes through a 2km long tunnel (called Tunnel de Fourviere) and then reduces from three lanes to one, thus invariably causing a giant traffic-jam inside the tunnel on those special days when all the Parisians drive south together. As a field researcher for The Guide, I have thoroughly experienced lots and lots of very unhoopy situations, and I can tell that there are very few situations as unpleasant as getting stuck three hours in a traffic-jam under a tunnel. In the vital race to, for example, oxygen, the specie that wins usually is the most recently appeared in the evolution tree, and in this situation cars benefit from their few hundreds of millennia bonus over humans. Fortunately, the Parisians have had their organisms and body modified to resist lethal doses of smog and noise, so they usually survive those three hours under the tunnel, which would turn anybody else into a maniac with lung cancer. After the tunnel the Parisians drive on the motorway along the Rhone, the main river, and can appreciate the damages a motorway can cause in a bimillenial city. Then the motorway drives through a huge petrol-refining plant, where the Parisians have the luck to breathe a chosen sample of the fragrances involved in the process of converting awful-smelling brute oil into differently-awful-smelling gasoline for their cars. The result of all this is that a Parisian will invariably tell you "Lyon is an awful city: all motorway traffic-jams under tunnels or between refineries. Terrible." This point of view is slightly biased, and the purpose of this article is to give a differently-biased point of view. History ------- Sorry, my teacher was a royalist, and my neighbour in the classroom was more a pretty girl than he was, so all in all I do not have much reliable information about it. It looks like the town was founded by the Romans, or maybe they just invaded it. Anyway, it was called Lugdunum by the time, hence the other name of "Lugdu" people sometimes use there. The Romans left lots of ruins there, among which an amphitheater in which sometimes concerts take place, and these concerts surely are more fun that anything the Romans ever imagined to take place there. Most inhabitants of Lyon, however, hate the Romans for leaving that many ruins: you can't dig a hole after killing your postman without finding some Roman remain. For example, the last Mayor decided, just before the last elections, to build a few parking lots in the centre of the town, as if there wasn't enough cars there. On all the chosen locations, people began to dig with excavators. Found interesting Roman remains. Ended up digging with little spoons. It takes time to dig the room for a seven-floor underground parking lot with only little spoons. And meanwhile there were traffic-jams all over the town. The Mayor lost the elections, another victim of the Roman cultural imperialism over Europe at that time. After the Romans there were other people, but who cares actually... that's all for history. Gastronomy ---------- Lyon is the capital of the French gastronomy. So say its proud, inhabitants! Actually there are a few very good restaurants there (I did not check by myself; the price of an egg-and-bacon in such places is about one month of my food budget. But those non-hitchhikers who can afford it say it is really good). Besides, there are huge lots of very small restaurants (the so-called "Bouchons") which are perfectly affordable and excellent value for the money. Among the numerous specialties of the local gastronomy are: o Quenelles, which look like compacted remains of old bread smashed together with milk, probably eggs, and maybe other ingredients I prefer not to know about. Quite awful if you want my point of view, but then you can fully appreciate the skills of the cooks if he manages to turn those things into a pleasant meal. o Gratons, which are a kind of fried pork grease. Mostly cholesterol, so it tastes great. Most civilized people don't like it, though, but clearly any Real Hitchhiker should try it; you just enter a butcher's shop and buy 100g of them (it should last you the week). o All sort of sausages, some of them cooked in brioche, high fat and pretty good, too. o Cervelle de Canuts: "cervelle" is brains, and Canuts were the workers in the silk factories in the good old times. Sadly, it is not what you could think, it's just a hors d'oeuvre based on fresh cheese and spices, and it might be the only not-too-high-fat dish you will enjoy in Lugdu. o Kebabs, brought there by Arab immigrants. I like these enough to write an article on it some day. Things to See ------------- Walk along the Rhone and Saone (the two rivers around which the town was built) at night. All the bridges, all the building have been enlighten in a very artistic way I have never seen anywhere else, and it is really worth the walk. They managed to turn a rather common and dirty building into a beautiful golden castle peacefully reflecting in the river, and even the last concrete-and-metal bridges look magical at night. Considering how popular the town is during the day, it is a great job. Climb up Fourviere to get a view of the whole town from the gardens of the cathedral (which is not a cathedral, actually, but I never managed to understand the subtlety). This you should do preferably at night, too, but then there are railings everywhere. After climbing the railings, you will appreciate how efficient they are: these gardens are the most romantic place to go strolling at night with your girlfriend, and they are often quite crowded. Locals love to drive tourists across the so-called Traboules, which are similar to tunnels under the buildings linking streets together, with stairs and courts on the way. They are small, dark, half-wet, stinking of cat urine, and very useful. All in all I never understood why Lugdu was so proud of its traboules. If you want to play the tourist, go visit one or two; they are on La Croix Rousse. I miss Lyon mostly for its kebabs and Arab pastries, the best of which are to be found between Place Gabriel Peri and Saxe-Gambetta. The line D of the subway net is driverless and some of the stations are pretty nice. OK, it is not Moscow's subway. There are also one line of cable train (la ficelle), like the son of a subway and a telepheric, and a line of rack-subway. Because there are two main hills in Lugdu, Fourviere and La Croix Rousse. That's five less than Roma, so there is nothing to be proud of. In general, to know where to go out and when, try to get "Le Petit Paume." It is a wonderful little book, given free in the post-offices at certain times of the year, so everybody in Lyon owns one and it should not be too difficult for you to steal one from a friend. It is full of useful and otherwise Widely Inaccurate information about the town. Things to Avoid --------------- The public transportation system is quick and efficient from anywhere to anywhere, but it is one of the Most Expensive Ones in the Known Universe. Besides, the employees are usually as pleasant as Vogons. Better steal a bike and ride along the rivers. (I've had three bikes stolen in two years time; I don't see why I should be the only victim!) Wander in Perrache Station at night. I never did it, so I can't be sure that you actually get raped, robbed, and killed each time, but so they say. The rest of the town is very safe, so why care. Bathing in one of the rivers may damage your health. Driving in La Croix Rousse if you were not born there is not recommended: there are only narrow one-way streets with 20% slopes, crossing each other in a totally random manner with right angles, and suddenly coming to a dead end just at the moment you thought you were getting out of it. A true nightmare. Parking in La Croix Rousse is even worse. %e *EOA* %t Longest Covered Bridge In The World (Earth), The %n 2R106 %s The Claim To Fame Of Hartland, New Brunswick, Canada %a Mark Andrew Dykeman (mark.dykeman@canrem.com) %d 19940611 %i Bridges, Covered %i Hartland, New Brunswick, Canada, Earth %e The tiny town of Hartland, New Brunswick, Canada is, oddly enough, home to the longest covered bridge in the world, Earth in this case. With a length of 1,282 feet, the bridge spans the width of the Saint John River. The bridge, grayish in colour and wooden in construction, is close to 100 years old. No one is quite certain why this last fact is relevant. In terms of width, the "Longest Covered Bridge in the World" will allow two compact cars to pass each other with only slight discomfort, two full size cars to pass each other with moderately high discomfort, and the simultaneous passage of a utility vehicle and any other vehicle is not recommended. The latter situation has, with great stress and fright caused to passengers, been verified. Perplexingly enough, the bridge was originally exposed to the open air during the era of horse and buggy travel. Hundreds of wet travellers later, sides and a roof were erected, effectively covering the bridge. In the ages of the modern, covered automobile, the implicit irony is lost on most people. This situation may be compared to carrying an awfully good umbrella, a thick, ultra-protective raincoat, and huge, superbly constructed galoshes on what turns out to be the most stunningly sunny day of the year. This bridge has been the subject and/or object of books, postcards, graffiti, conversation, pictures, photographs, home videos, teenage passion, and several accidents. No positive correlation has been scientifically verified between the latter two phenomena. %e *EOA* %t Noordwijk, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth %n 2R107 %s A Beautiful Sea-Side Resort %a Rudy Wijnands (rudy@astro.uva.nl) %d 19940706 %i Beaches, Sandy And/Or Nude * %k Flower bulbs %x Earth %x Miniature Golf %e If you ever hitchhike through the Netherlands, make sure to hitchhike to Noordwijk and stay there for a while to enjoy a holiday. A holiday in Noordwijk is always thoroughly enjoyable and often repeated. Noordwijk, situated in the dutch province of Zuid-Holland (South Holland), between Amsterdam and the Hague, lies on the coast and has a wide 13 kilometer long sandy beach. Noordwijk is surrounded by ample woodland, wild dunes, and fen land. Noordwijk is in the heart of the "Bollenstreek" (dutch bulb growing area) often called the flower garden of Europe. Above all, Noordwijk is centrally situated and, via a modern network of motorways (extremely useful for hitchhikers), easily accessible from Leiden, Haarlem, Amsterdam, the Hague, and Rotterdam. If you go by plane the national airport, Schiphol is just a half hour drive from Noordwijk. Noordwijk is easily accessible from other countries; Belgium, two to three hours, and Germany, approximately three hours on the road (if you are lucky to get a ride). Noordwijk is also accessible via a frequent public transport service (two to four times per hour). The timetables are planned so as to connect with the most important international train arrivals and departures in Leiden, Haarlem, and the Hague. Noordwijk is a sea-side resort of international fame offering modern four- and five-star hotels, lodgings, cozy hotels, private rooms, an abundance of top restaurants, beautifully situated camping sites, a youth hostel in the dune region, and much acclaimed nightlife. This makes Noordwijk a very varied and pleasant resort. Noordwijk has a dynamic character: numerous events (including two world-famous flowers processions, an international tennis tournament, and an international golf tournament) before, during, and after the high season keep things in full swing twelve months a year. Be it a long weekend, an evening out, a fully catered hotel, a business conference, or an out-of-doors camping excursion, Noordwijk will cater for everyone. The exciting image of Noordwijk has much to do with its natural surroundings, the glittering sea being its main attraction. The sea is ever changing, one day blue and tranquil, the next day dark and wild, full of rolling waves. It is difficult not to feel at one with the elements in Noordwijk. The sea air is always fresh, sometimes just a refreshing whisper. Walking along the 13 kilometre sandy beach, one has this beautiful feeling of absolute freedom. The view from both the north and south promenades offers an impressive vista. As one turns from beach to horizon it seems as if Noordwijk has no boundaries. Daytime ------- Noordwijk's enormous beach is a perfect place to begin any day of your vacation. Once settled on the beach, all you have to do is enjoy the sun, sea, and sand, lazing in the sun, getting an all-around tan. and viewing the sunny spectacle from behind your sunglasses. If you can find the nude beach you'll enjoy the beautiful sight of naked people playing around. Enjoy a refreshing dive into the sparkling sea, padding in the waves, or studying Noordwijk's undulating skyline. Perhaps you can go on a boat trip to view the beach from the sea, go sailing, or if you are more adventurous you can go surfing. Ploughing into the waves is an irresistible experience every time. Other relaxing things that can be done are strolling along the wet sandy shore, flying a kite, or perhaps a beach ball game which gives that "holiday feeling" an extra dimension. If you are worried about safety and service, the Noordwijk Police and Coast Guards keep a constant watch on your safety from their own posts on the beach. Swimmers, for instance, who have gone out too far or behave irresponsibly are closely watched. If need be, a rescue operation can be put into effect with lightning speed. So you don't have to worry about safety and you can enjoy the sunsets. Sunsets are always a true spectacle, watching it at sea even more so. The reflections of colour and light are a fascinating combination. As the evening closes, Noordwijk awakens for the second time... the night time. Delicious food is easy to find in Noordwijk: a tasty meal in a cozy dutch restaurant or a quick snack American-style; an exclusive dinner perhaps with live music in an Indonesian, Chinese, German, Norwegian, French, or Italian specialist restaurant. Evening and Night Time ---------------------- After your evening meal, Noordwijk has plenty to offer in the form of entertainment. Strolling along one of the promenades or perhaps making the most of the beach at this mysterious and romantic time, under a moonlit sky. Browse through the quaint shops or modern shopping arcades. In the summer most of the shops are open daily until 9.00 pm. Enjoy an ice cream, and the firework display from the promenade or one of the street cafes. Visit an exhibition or concert or just meet new holiday friends. Another fascinating pastime is simple watching people as they walk by: very relaxing and always entertaining. Noordwijk is ideally suited for this. Noordwijk is also highly renowned for its sparkling nightlife, especially during the summer months. Each evening its reputation is proved over and over. Enjoy a quaintly lit street cafe or bar with live-music, or a rural tavern for intimate conversation over a glass of wine. Dance in one of the many pulsating discos with their laser-light shows (visible in a radius of 20 miles) and pounding beat. Visit a pub for a game of darts or snooker and enjoy different types of English and European beers. The bars and discos are all open until two o'clock during the high season. In the Spring ------------- In the spring the region is in bloom. The whole areas are alive with the colour and floating scent from the glorious bulb fields. The flowers are also paraded at this time in the world famous "Bloemencorso," the flower pageant. This is an impressive sight, consisting of beautifully prepared floats on which an infinite fresco of colours are displayed. The pageant is paraded for miles throughout the region and ends its journey here in Noordwijk. Marching bands and dance formations accompany the vast procession. During one of the busiest weekend in the year the floats are displayed, all weekend, along the northern promenade. The locals also decorate the community with flower mosaics, flower chains and other floral decorations turning the village into a true dream world. The national flower exhibition gardens at the "Keukenhof," situated just a few mile from Noordwijk, opens its gates in the spring, enchanting hundreds of thousands admirers each year. A visit to this enormous flower garden, a former herbary belonging to Jacoba van Beieren, is highly recommended and will prove an unforgettable experience. In the Autumn and Winter ------------------------ In autumn and winter, Noordwijk's natural beauty undergoes a change. The sea becomes wilder, showing a darker more awesome side of its character. Rolling white waves becoming more frequent and powerful. The dune flora turning to beautiful shades and grasses taking on new forms. Natures intermezzo, a necessary hibernation of the purest from keeping nature in its natural balance. Understandably this atmosphere of peace and tranquility, the breathing of new life, can benefit many people. Trade and industry use Noordwijk at this time of year for their conferences, courses, seminars, and other business venues, for which Noordwijk seems purposely built. It is obviously very refreshing and inspiring to take a stroll along the promenades or beach replenishing oneself for tomorrow's new challenges. At this time of year Noordwijk is an ideal spot for long weekends or a few days away from it all. Special arrangements available through the VVV, the Dutch tourist office, make Noordwijk an ideal location for a vacation or conference. Rectification ------------- Don't believe everything which is said above. This is not a inside story of Noordwijk. Some inside tips follows right now. Although Noordwijk has two promenades the only one interesting enough to go to is the north promenade. Every time of year and day it is a nice place to walk, eat, drink, or sleep. The south promenade is usually a boring place so it's not worth going there. Only if you want to sleep somewhere you might go there. There are a few nice hotels which are cheaper then those on the north promenade but they have the same beautiful view over the sea. The nicest hotel is Huis ter Duin - a very beautiful and nice hotel, but also very expensive (more then 300 dollars a night). Other hotels are cheaper. You can find hotels in the range of 20 to 300 dollars a night. If you want to go cheaper you most sleep in private homes. Lots of people rent part of their houses to foreign people (often Germans). It costs about 10 to 20 dollar a night, with breakfast the next morning. If you want to sleep in such rooms look for plates which say "Zimmers, Rooms, Kamers." Even cheaper places to sleep are the campings, but they are quite a distance from the sea. Nice places to be after you spent your day on the beach are the bars and cafes on the street called De Grent. Usually its very crowded so you want to look for a better place. You can go to the promenade but the prices are higher. Best thing you can do is buy a bottle of wine at a shop and drink it on the beach, enjoying the sunset. It's relaxing, beautiful, and cheap. During autumn and winter this might seems cold and wet, but then the bars and cafes are not as crowded so you can go there. If you want to go to the beach only to lie on the sand you can watch topless naked women and men. You can see beautiful nice young women, but also very fat old people. If you want to see more than only topless people you have to walk several miles to the north. There lies the nude beach so you can see more than only chests. The only problem is you also most take of your all your stuff and go naked as well. If you don't like the beach at all, even with naked people on it, you can go to the dunes with are very beautiful. Or you can walk through the nice woods near the dunes. You can see quite a few rabbits, bunnies, deer, and if you lucky even foxes. Also a lot of different and rare birds are waiting to be spotted by you. But place be kind to nature and only walk on the roads. If you go to the dunes during the spring you can find blackberries. You can collect them to make into jam and juice. It tastes very well. If you want to know how to make it please contact me. Also you can go miniature golfing. There are two nice places: one between the north and the south promenades, and one in the middle of the village. Also you can go bowling. You can't miss the place. A huge ninepin is staying at the place. A lot of other things can be done, but there is something you can not do. There is no cinema in Noordwijk, so if you want to go to the pictures you have to go to Leiden, Haarlem, or the Hague. Luckily those places are each to reach by car and public transport. You can also visit the Space Expo. An expo showing everything about space and spacecrafts. It's worth visiting it. It lies near Katwijk (don't go to that village, it really sucks) next to Estec (on Noordwijk's property). Estec is Europe's main satellite testing area. It's also Noordwijk's main employer (except by the tourism branch). If you can visit it (almost impossible, but I went there so you most take my word for it) you will be astonished by all things happening there. It's very huge and very beautiful. You might even see parts of rockets like the Ariana 5 (a European rocket to launch satellites). But as said it is hard to get a tour. Concluding, it must be said Noordwijk is the most beautiful sea-side resort of the Netherlands. %e *EOA* %t Goedel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid %n 2R108 %s The Hitchhiker's Choice Of Books For Killing Time In Spaceports %d 19940714 %a Rickard Andersson (rickard@softlab.se) %i Goedel %i Escher %i Bach %i Book: Goedel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid %x Top Twenty-Six Ways To Kill Time %e If you're going to carry around one book when hitchhiking through the known universe (and probably in the unknown parts too), one good choice is _Goedel, Escher, Bach: an Eternal Golden Braid_ by Douglas R. Hofstadter. It is a great book that takes the reader through a lot of interesting ideas and brings new light on many things. The lifetime creations of Goedel, Escher, and Bach are the string through the book. And there are a number of dialogues with the characters of Achilles, the Tortoise, and some of their friends. This must be a hitchhiker's first choice of book for killing time (and small furry creatures) in spaceports. To describe the book is not a easy task. I will just mention some of the things that are discussed and explained in it, and hopefully you will get the hang of it. * Artificial Intelligence and philosophical ideas * Many pictures by M. C. Escher and the techniques behind them * Computer models and the Babbage Engine * DNA-structures and biochemistry * Harmony and fractals * Formal logic and (in)computability * ZEN and a lot of Koans * Pattern recognition and perceptions * Cosmic views and the continuum hypothesis * Description of Turing and his problem * Randomness and set theory * Cognitive science * And of course, musical themes by Bach and how to interpret them All these things, and a lot more, are weaved together to a very interesting and quite heavy book. It's a sure bet if you want something to read again and again. It will make all the years waiting for a spaceship seem like a short passage of time (and space). This book is entitled to: :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) (5 Smileys, in a scale from one to five.) %e *EOA* %t Weather And Your Health %n 2R109 %s Helpful Pointers For The Midwestern Hitchhiker %a Ryan Tucker (rtucker@netins.net) %d 19940716 %i Tornados %i Thunderstorms %i Midwest Weather %e Weather is a required element in the survival of the Earth. Without bad weather, it would be 10 godzillion degrees at the equator, and minus 10 godzillion degrees at the poles. That would not be desirable. So, we have weather. Weather can prematurely terminate your existence as a hitchhiker, as has happened before. Just read a newspaper after a major thunderstorm (described below) and count how many people are toast from lightning, chunky salsa from tornadoes or winds, or dead fish from flash flooding. Needless to say, you must watch out! Here are some specific things to watch out for. Lightning --------- A sudden electrical discharge from cloud to ground (or an object connected to the ground, such as an unsuspecting hitchhiker), lightning is the biggest killer in thunderstorms. How do you find lightning? Look for a bright white flash of light between the cloud and the ground which lasts less than a second (we hope, for your sake... some have lasted for ten seconds, totally frying the person holding the umbrella below). What can lightning do? Well, it's kinda like sticking your finger in a working light socket, only much, much worse. What can you do to stay out of lightning? Despite what you might think, don't hide under trees. If you watch the behaviour of lightning, most strokes (the technical term for a bolt of lightning) hit trees. Instead, sit in an automobile or go to a house. If neither are available, crouch into a ball on the ground. Don't lie flat. What if you get struck by lightning? Let's hope you have near- perfect attendance at a church. Rain ---- You may ask what rain is. Rain is the water that falls out of thunderstorms. How can that harm you? If rain accumulates enough, it is prone to go into low-lying areas and cause great flooding, or over- accumulation of water. When that happens, you don't want to be in a low-lying area. What can you do to protect yourself from rain? Stay on high ground, in an automobile or house (to protect yourself from lightning). And please do not allow this Guide to become wet. Wind ---- Wind is the movement of air from high pressure to low pressure. How can wind cause harm? Too much of a good thing isn't good. You, or your property, could get blown to smithereens. What can you do if that happens? If you feel the wind getting a bit heavy, good advice would be to lie in a ditch. Remember, though, to watch out for lightning and rain. Tornado ------- A tornado is kind of like wind, but it's REALLY, REALLY, _REALLY_ strong, and instead of blowing you sideways, it sucks you up! Some objects, such as TOTO, a device which gathers tornado data, have been sucked up 60,000 meters and dropped 60,000 meters. How can you tell if a tornado is near? This needs its own section... A) Loud roaring sound. Wouldn't you roar if you were sucking air? B) A large rotating vertical tube C) Sirens howling, if you are near a town D) If you feel yourself spinning and being lifted off the ground (in such case, it would be advisable to maintain a firm grip on your towel, and this Guide of course) What can you do if a tornado is near? Don't go into an automobile, unless you happen to like being sucked in with a metal cage around you; instead, lie flat in a ditch, as with wind. Or, you could go into a basement, cellar, or other subterranean structure. That covers almost anything. More information may be published later, especially in the arena of waterspouts, tropical developments, and columns of hot air associated with government buildings. Remember: the best tool to protect your cranial containment contraption is your towel! DO NOT FORGET IT! %e *EOA* %t Top Twenty-Six Ways To Kill Time %n 2R110 %s Top 26 Things To Do When Time Is Plenty %a Ryan Tucker (rtucker@netins.net) %d 19940716 %i Time, Dealing With Excess Of %x Dealing With The Lack Of Time %x Time %x Elevators, Fifty Fun Things To Do In %x Cats %x Defecation %x Weather And Your Health %x Quantum Mechanics Of Sandwiches In Lunchboxes %e Occasionally, when you are not dealing with lack of time, you are dealing with an excess of time. While rare, it can happen. So, enclosed below, are twenty-six ways to kill time. ***WARNING*** Do NOT attempt to unplug an atomic clock! ***WARNING*** 1) Organize. It never hurts to prepare for dealing with the lack of time. 2) Work. It never hurts to get money to spend for the next time time is plenty! 3) Clean dryer lint filter. This may be why you have soggy towels. 4) Buy postal stamps. Every time I need a stamp, I just thank myself for stocking up on them when I was killing time. 5) Write a Guide article. New field reporters accepted daily! 6) Stock up on weather forecasts. Instead of wasting a few hours looking for a weather forecast, why not stock up on them? They usually last for 3-5 days, if kept refrigerated. 7) Wax your automobile, if you have one. Preventative maintenance. 8) Clean your GuideNET Terminal. Preventative maintenance. 9) Remove arachnid webs from dwelling. They are known to annoy even the most unsanitary hitchhiker. 10) Grease your lunchbox hinges. Squeaky hinges ruin appetites. 11) Clean your air conditioner filter, if you have one. Allergies go bye-bye. 12) Spend a day pushing buttons in an elevator. 13) Learn CPR. You never know when your ticker will tick out. 14) Learn the Heimlich Maneuver. You never know when you'll bite your last bite. 15) Learn First Aid. You never know when you'll get a fatal injury. 16) Get a GuideNET Update. Preventative maintenance. 17) Ride the bus. Also good for killing money. 18) Give blood. H+ is in demand. 19) Cuddle your cat. Cats have feelings, too. 20) Shoot your clock. That will defiantly kill time. 21) Empty your rain gauge. Mine accumulated 4,000 centimeters one time. 22) Watch television. Educational programs spawn more and more time, though. 23) Read a book. You could actually LEARN something. 24) Dip into public baths. Look for signs that say "Swimming Pool". (Note: some hitchhikers should pay special attention to this suggestion.) 25) Observe vehicles traverse by. Watch out for city lawn mowers. 26) Organize your lint collection. 'nuff said. %e *EOA* %t Mountain Home, Baxter County, Arkansas, USA, Earth %n 2R111 %s An Ugly Area Of Mostly Water %a Ryan Tucker (rtucker@netins.net) %d 19940716 %x Earth %i Bull Shoals Lake, Arkansas, USA, Earth %i Lake Norfork, Arkansas, USA, Earth %x Des Moines, Iowa, USA, Earth %e If you are looking for a bit of excitement, then Mountain Home is not for you. Mountain Home, population about 500 humans and 10,000 skunks, is a small town that most people forgot to put on the world map, for reasons which will be explained later. Its largest attraction is Bull Shoals Lake, which supplies hydroelectric power for much of Northern Arkansas, and fish for the tourists which will be explained later. Another attraction is Lake Norfork, which is almost the same as Bull Shoals Lake, only with more fish than Bull Shoals because we stayed at Bull Shoals. It's third largest attraction is its horribly slow traffic signals, which sometimes leave you time to gather straw for a bed, shower, sleep for ten hours on the bed just built, shower again (to get the straw off), shave, shower again (to get the shave off), and finally put on work clothes, brew a few pots of coffee, drink a few pots of coffee, and run back home to get the paper before the light changes. Then you have to be one of the first three cars in line before it changes back to red for another twelve hours. Nightlife consists of sleeping. Daylife consists of waving at foreigners with both hands while carrying a cord of wood. When there, if you decide to go there, which is not advisable, try Fred's Fish House. Award-winning Catfish and Hush Puppies weeded directly from Lake Norfork. Quite the meal... also a good hamburger for the non-fish- eaters. Also, try going to Midway, which is on the way to Bull Shoals Lake. It's a town at the junction of many roads, one of which leads to the airport. Quite the facility... better than Des Moines International, although Baxter County Regional is just a little "Fly to Little Rock" service. If I wanted to fly to Little Rock, there's where I would fly from. Also, go to Batty's Resort... it's on Promised Land Road, a few miles out of Midway on Hwy 5. Just follow the hyper-reflective signs. Be sure to tell Bob and Bev before you move into a cabin, though. Please note that I'm not paid by any of these places... I'm just a disgruntled customer. Oh, one more thing: When passing through Midway on Hwy 5, don't stop at the Conoco Station. Mucho expensive! %e *EOA* * * End of file: REAL05.NEW * Share and Enjoy! *