* * Archive: REAL13.NEW * * Created on: Tue Mar 28 15:30:11 2000 * * Number of articles: 25 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to * find an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * 6R54-1 Internal Walkman, The * 8R17-1 Twinkies In Space * 8R18-1 Jelly Babies * 8R19-1 Paperless Office, The * 8R20-1 Castelle Comte Mal, Palma, Spain, Earth * 8R21-1 Printer Ink Cartridge Refills * 8R22-1 Stirling, Stirlingshire, Scotland, UK, Earth * 6R55-1 Scramble Bands * 6R56-1 New Jersey Turnpike * 6R57-1 Chester, New Jersey, USA, Earth * 8R23-1 US Naval Abbreviations * 8R24-1 Ignorance * 8R25-1 Car Alarms * 8R26-1 Insomnia * 8R27-1 Pizza Ordering * 8R28-1 Flight Simulators And The Neural System * 8R29-1 Grappling The Internet Puzzle * 8R30-1 Typographical Errors * 8R31-1 Aggressive Shopping * 8R32-1 Lost Property * Waddinxveen-1 Waddinxveen, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth * 6R59-1 Musical Chairs * 6R60-1 Dallas, Texas, USA, Earth * 6R61-1 Relaxation * 8R33-1 Problem Solving * %t Internal Walkman, The %n 6R54 %s How Does It Work? %i A Wonderful Evolutionary Treat %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.Leidenuniv.nl) %d 19960217 * %x Memory, Article II %x Insane, How Do You Prove You Are Not? %e There is a phenomenon known to everyone which has never been exploited to its full use. You all know that sometimes, when you hear a song on the radio in the morning, it keeps going round your head all day long. This is the Internal Walkman functioning, yet without direction or aim. It is too wonderful a treat of evolution not to make full use of it, so I will give some tips on how it works and what you should remember about it. How to make good use of it? Well, we know that only one or two tunes are in our heads at any one time, mostly silly tunes that have a high potential for settling in our memories. Unfortunately, the sillier the tune, the more settling potential it has. This can not be avoided, so choose your tunes well. To record the songs you want to listen to, you have to play them on your CD or tape recorder several times in the morning. Be careful, though; your memory does not have a large capacity for readily available tunes, so don't try to store too much. The last song heard is often the one best remembered. This storing process has some aspects to it that make it different from ordinary (hardware) ways of recording. The quality of the recording varies from song to song, and from time to time. Bits of music get lost and only a rough idea of the song remains. Fortunately, that does not matter, because our brains make us believe that we *do* hear every detail of it, and mostly of the bits we like best! Parts of the song we don't like at all are easily filtered out [1]. In short, although we forget whole parts of the song, we believe it is reproduced perfectly. That gives a feeling of satisfaction every time we use the Internal Walkman. When we get home again, however, and we listen to the original, we notice that we forgot lots of interesting details. Again we are happy, this time because we hear those parts again and appreciate them, because they make the song sound fuller. Twice satisfied for the price of one! There are a few things you have to think of if you want the Internal Walkman to work according to your wishes. You have to take care that the song doesn't get polluted, or replaced altogether, by a song with much more potential for settling and annoying you. Just make sure that you don't hear any other music anywhere, and especially no annoying whistling people. They are capable of whistling a nursery rhyme that will stick with you for weeks. Another thing you need to practise is to shut the Walkman off. It happens a lot that during exams a song gets stuck on a single word, which keeps repeating over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, keeping you from your concentration and making you fail the test completely. Little does mankind realize that black-outs during exams are *always* due to failing Internal Walkmans. I'm afraid I haven't found a cure for that yet, so guess you'll just have to practise. You may think that this Internal Walkman is far outperformed by a real Walkman, because with it you can listen to the original music, and so much of it too! That may be so, but there are numerous situations where the fact that the Internal Walkman doesn't take up space, doesn't use batteries, is not annoying to everyone because they hear nothing (unless you sing along with your thoughts), and can be used everywhere [2] make it a far superiour apparatus. So start using the Internal Walkman [3] sensibly from now on. It is far too wonderful not to. [1] Unless, of course, the storage potential of the annoying bit is very high, which it usually is. [2] Except of course where other music plays; in that case the original track is lost immediately, and can only be regained in complete silence. [3] [Editors Note:] It is of course noted that "Walkman" is a trademark of the Sony Corporation. No breach of trademark is intended. Of course we don't mean to say that someone has actually built a miniature personal stereo and inserted it into your skull. If you think that then you just may have missed the point. %e *EOA* %t Twinkies In Space %n 8R17 %s Effects Of Acceleration On The Hostess Twinkie (Spongius Cremius) %a Bill Higgins -- Beam Jockey (higgins@fnal.fnal.gov) * P.A. Allcorn, M.J. Henes, W. S. Higgins, D.J. Ifversen, M.R. Janosi * Site Operations Department * Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory * Batavia, Illinois * * Found by Alex McLintock (Alex@arcfan.demon.co.uk), pre-edited by Roel * Photographs of experiment are available %d 19950821 %x Space Safe Coke Can * %k Twinkies %e The Hostess Twinkie(R), a pickle-sized lump of yellow cake containing a few spoonfuls of white "cream filling," has long been a staple of the American diet and is, perhaps, the queen of junk foods. Combining high sugar content, long shelf life, and a generous allotment of fats, the Twinkie is the perfect item for the convenience store and the gas station. It is reasonable to expect that as Americans move outward into the solar system, the Twinkie will go with them. In discussing the Personnel Launch System spacecraft, Edmund Hack (hack@lock.span.NASA.gov) wrote [1]: A small cargo area for personal gear is included (you know, CDs, Twinkies, videotapes, pictures from home....). This led to speculation here at Fermilab on whether, indeed, Twinkies would survive high-acceleration conditions. If not, space-station astronauts and cosmonauts will have to get along without Twinkies, or manufacture them in orbit. Would the sponge-cake structure collapse? Would the added weight squeeze the lard-and-sugar filling out, smearing it over the family portraits and compact disks? Our group decided to investigate. Fortunately, our crew chief had just returned from the White Hen with a number of standard Twinkies. A typical Twinkie was selected, placed into a plastic bag, and attached to a 2-meter rope. Our centrifuge operator first practiced by whipping an inert object (a roll of masking tape) around his head on a rope. Once he could sustain constant angular acceleration of the desired magnitude, we began the Twinkie run. Revolution rate was measured by counting 20 revolutions (after allowing for an initial "wind-up" acceleration period) and timing with a digital stopwatch. Elapsed time was 16.9 seconds, giving a rotation rate of 1.18 revolutions/second. If I didn't mess up my algebra, this gives an average acceleration of 11.3 gravities... a bit high for a manned launch, but certainly the right order of magnitude. The Twinkie was removed from its bag and compared to a control Twinkie which was exposed to a 1-gravity field for the duration of the experiment. The accelerated Twinkie had oozed a small amount (perhaps 1 cm^3) of filling through a small crack in its skin, but appeared otherwise healthy and edible. Its shape and size seemed unchanged. Our tentative conclusion is that a Twinkie can survive accelerations typical of orbital launches with only minor damage, certainly in edible condition. It seems likely that careful packaging could ameliorate the stresses of space flight. These results are encouraging, and the Site Operations Department is now preparing proposals to test potato chips, microwave popcorn, Dove Bars, and other junk foods to determine their suitability for use in orbit. Funding agencies should expect to hear from us shortly. [1] Space Digest, volume 12, number 59. %e *EOA* %t Jelly Babies %n 8R18 %s A Confectionery %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960229 %e Jelly Babies are a sweet jelly-like confection. They are shaped to resemble babies, hence the name. In each packet, you will find many different flavours, at least one of which you will dislike, and so will all your friends. Jelly Babies have been popularised with some, by their appearance in a British science-fiction series called Doctor Who, in which the main character was known to offer these to various people during the course of his adventures. Despite the fact that it is fairly difficult to do, it is almost impossible to eat a Jelly Baby without biting the head off first. %e *EOA* %t Paperless Office, The %n 8R19 %s A Very Old Joke %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960229 %e The paperless office was predicted to revolutionize the way we work and the way we learn, placing the work and education of the world into digital form, and laying the once popular paper medium to rest. However, as the facilities arrived for it to become a part of life, technology also produced its nemesis. This advance, known as a printer, offered us the chance to use the theoretically obsolete paper to give us a permanent and easy-to-read copy of the information we had purchased our computers specifically to store. Naturally, we obliged gratefully. The reason for this is that the human race as a whole prefers not to have to read a large amount of text from a visual display unit (VDU) unless they really have to; a piece of paper is much easier to read, and can be taken to places that a computer has never even seen (or so the author believes.) It has also been noted that a substantial quantity of human beings regard computers as unreliable, and would not trust them with so much as a scrap of information unless they really had to. The paperless office has therefore since become the subject of much mockery, and it is very rare to find anyone who would champion it. Perhaps, though, the idea will grow with time, and maybe sometime in the future, this phase will be looked back on as a time of transition. The author predicts that at least one person will print this article. %e *EOA* %t Castelle Comte Mal, Palma, Spain, Earth %n 8R20 %s Joust What The Doctor Ordered %a David Kraics (krader@pipeline.com) %d 19960308 %x Earth %e Have you ever heard of Medieval Times in New Jersey? It's this place where they have jousts, contests and family fun. As they say in the T.V. commercial: "Thrill to the Joust. Spend your Day with a Knight." You can pretend to be (where else!) in medieval times. I've never been there. But I have been to this little "castle" called Castelle Comte Mal, on the island of Palma in the Mediterranean Sea, off the coast of Spain. While they don't have all the stuff the Jersey place does, it definitely has jousts. You start out by shaking hands with the "Count" as he greets you in the entrance. There you receive a paper crown that is vaguely familiar to the ones you get your kids in Burger King. A photo is taken of you and him, which you can keep for free. Other photos are taken later, but if you want them you have to pay. The photos are usually inside clear mugs or ashtrays. You are then seated in one of four color coded seating sections, the colors being red, blue, green and yellow. I was in the yellow section. The idea is that you cheer for the knight wearing the color of your section. As you watch the show, they serve you a dinner with a choice of soda or wine. What you don't realize is that what starts out as a simple joust turns into a story. You see, one of the knights is the "Bad Guy". During the course of the show, the bad guy will try to murder a knight, have his servants kidnap the "Countess", and force the Count to personally try to rescue her. The other knights rescue the countess and the evil servants are captured. Two knights die and the remaining knight fights the bad guy with swords. The good guy wins, of course. At the show I attended the Green Knight was the bad guy. The show reminded me of Pro Wrestling. It was funny watching the Green audience cheering the bad guy's evil antics. They even cheered when the Countess was kidnapped. While the sword fighting was acted out (in fact, before the show, I peeked behind a black curtain and saw two "knights" in rather modern clothing rehearsing a fight scene), those lances were definitely making contact with their opponents' shields. All the paint jobs in the world couldn't hide those dents. The only other armor they had were those heavy helmets. You could tell _they_ were for real. After the jousting show, they opened some curtains and the audience passed into an area with a stage. On the stage were some traditional Spanish castanet dancers, with a male dancer who looked like a thinner version of Dudley Moore. After that mini show, we got to talk to the knights, remarkedly brought back from the dead, and in some amazingly modern clothes. I got the autographs of all but one of the knights (he had to go to bed for school the next day). Though I don't remember the price of the performance (it was in Spanish pesatas, anyway), I do remember that it wasn't too expensive. If you like souvenirs, bring more money. %e *EOA* %t Printer Ink Cartridge Refills %n 8R21 %s Costly And Time-Consuming %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960313 %i Refilling Ink Cartridges In Printers %x Computers, Earth %x Computer Malfunctions %x Self-Destructing Computers * %k Printers * %k Ink * %k Computers * %k Inkjet %e Anybody in possession of an inkjet printer has, or will inevitably at one time or another, run out of ink. The symptoms of this are that your documents will gradually fade as they print, perhaps to the point of being totally invisible to all but those with amazingly developed imaginations. At this point you will be faced with a decision: to buy a new cartridge, or to "save" money by purchasing a refill kit to refill the cartridge you have with more ink. To explain the situation: you can purchase two refills for just under the price of one cartridge, one refill being theoretically sufficient to fill one cartridge. The idea here is that you are getting the equivalent of two cartridges for less than the price of one. This couldn't be more wrong, as, of course, cartridge manufacturing companies have cottoned on to this idea of saving money with refills. They create their cartridges in such a way as to prevent any refill from working, at least until you've used the equivalent money's-worth of ink in trying. By the time your cartridge actually starts to excrete ink onto your page as intended, you have already used both refills, even having gone to the point of watering down the second one! Their theory is of course that, when you need more ink yet again, you will not even think about buying anything other than a brand new cartridge. As a result of this, lots of ink cartridge manufacturers have of course become immensely rich, and lots of ordinary printer-owning people have gone insane. Bah! %e *EOA* %t Stirling, Stirlingshire, Scotland, UK, Earth %n 8R22 %s Mostly Dull %a Kevin O'Rourke (ceekio@cee.hw.ac.uk) * also kevin@campbell.demon.co.uk %d 19960223 %x Earth %x Tourists %e Stirling is a smallish town in Scotland's central belt, roughly midway between the sprawling, belligerent metropolis of Glasgow and the tidy, polite conurbation that is Edinburgh. Like many other Scottish towns and cities, it grew up around a castle built on a big volcanic rock; it is most fortunate that there are a lot of these around in Scotland. First impressions vary depending on your chosen method of arrival: By train: "Hmm, ex-industrial sites and hideous new housing developments, how charming.... What's that hideous thing?!?" (See the Thistle Centre below.) By car: "What lovely countryside..... Hmm, a large roundabout.... Eeeurgh, a grotty council housing estate!" By plane: As there is no airport in Stirling, any person arriving by plane would probably be more concerned with the way the picturesque countryside was rushing toward them than appreciating its beauty. What's in Stirling? ------------------- Stirling was relatively (un)fortunate compared with other towns nearby in that it had no major industry, only some coal mining and small textile mills. Its main industry is currently tourism (see below for more information). Most of the town itself is made up of attractive old buildings, but lurking behind them is one of the worst examples of late '70s shopping centres in Britain, the Thistle Centre. This monstrosity is best seen from behind (for example, from the railway station) where its majestic architecture is not hidden. It's not pretty and the inside is worse. Another major feature of the town is its university, which is not actually in Stirling. The university was created in the '70s, but remarkably fits into its surroundings quite well. Unfortunately it seems to be populated largely by arrogant and ignorant people from the south of England. The major areas of town include: King's Park, an area of large, old houses surrounding a park, built to house the wealthier residents who had decided the town was too smelly, dirty and full of undesirable people. Raploch, formerly a large stagnant pond, which was drained and had council housing built on it. This is generally regarded as having been a bad move and was a further attempt to separate the wealthy residents from the less wealthy by putting all the undesirables in one place. DO NOT ENTER! It's not nice and you may not come out again. Top of the Town, where everyone originally lived before they realised that living near the castle was no longer required. Now consists mostly of tourist shops. Bridge of Allan, ex spa town, now the home of the university. Unlike most places near universities, it refuses to become even slightly studentish, remaining generally genteel and Victorian. Inhabitants ----------- The first warning for any visitor is that the people of Stirling are *very* sarcastic. Sarcasm is in fact a kind of local competitive sport. This often causes problems for tourists from countries where such things as irony and sarcasm are seldom used. In particular the local bus companies appear to recruit drivers purely on the basis of how unhelpful and sarcastic they can be if asked a question. The second warning is to avoid students. Nasty things often happen to them and those near them. Tourism ------- Stirling has a long and rather bloody history, several major battles between the Scots and the English happened nearby (Stirling Bridge, Bannockburn, Sherriffmuir and others), leaving lots of remarkably small battlefields with visitor centres where you can buy fudge and tacky tourist gifts. The main attraction in the town itself is the castle. It is very old; Mary Queen of Scots stayed there for a while, and if you can prove you're a local you can get in free. Just outside town is the (National) Wallace Monument, a big tower built to commemorate William Wallace (a major Scottish freedom fighter). Although climbing the hundreds of steps in the tower is in itself a major feat of endurance it is nothing compared to the task of walking up the hill to the foot of the monument. The area to the Northwest (known as the Trossachs, for no adequately explained reason) is also very popular with tourists. It is quite scenic if you like lakes and mountains, but it does get very boring after a while. DO NOT go into any tea rooms or tourist shops, they all sell the same rubbish and if you've got one Trossachs tea towel, you've seen them all. Drinking -------- Consumption of alcoholic beverages is very popular among the inhabitants due to the almost complete lack of anything else to do. There are a number of pubs in town, most of which are to be avoided, and two nightclubs. Here is a guide to some of them: Pubs: Cafe Saloon - AVOID, ex student bar, now largely deserted. Whistlebinkies - Awful beer but a nice atmosphere and a garden out the back. O'Neil's - Another mock-Irish pub, not bad but often very busy. Behind the Wall - Varies, sometimes dead quiet, sometimes not. Clubs: The Fubar - Not nice, lots of people from the Raploch (see above) frequent this one. Rainbow Rocks - Fairly dire but it's the best in town. It is important that you do not get drunk enough to do anything illegal, as the town has a closed circuit surveillance camera system and you will probably be seized by the local police. Money ----- UK pounds are used throughout Scotland. IMPORTANT NOTE: If you get handed a "Bank of Scotland", "Royal Bank of Scotland" or "Clydesdale Bank" note in your change, don't worry, these are perfectly legal, although not readily accepted in England. Required Equipment ------------------ 1 Waterproof clothing (it rains a lot.) 2 More waterproof clothing (I warned you.) 3 Insect repellent (local midges are really evil.) 4 Board games etc. (if you're stuck there on a Sunday.) Things To Try ------------- 1 Finding something worthwhile to do on a Sunday. 2 Going to till 1 at the local Tesco supermarket on a Saturday and saying "hi" to the author of this article (unless I've got the day off). Thanks for reading this. If you still want to visit, have a look at Stirling University's web site at http://www.stir.ac.uk/, it should bring you to your senses. %e *EOA* %t Scramble Bands %n 6R55 %s Not Marching To The Beat Of A Drummer %a Evan "Paradox !-)" Macbeth (edm5s@virginia.edu) %d 19951008 %x University Of Virginia, Charlottesville, Virginia, USA, Earth %i Scatter Band %e You are sitting in the stands watching an American football game in the Ivy League, or at Stanford, or at Rice, or at UVa (these schools being the American equivalent of a Sorbonne or Oxford.) Halftime begins and instead of going for food, you stay to see the Band perform on the field. Much to your surprise, the band that takes the field is not marching, is not in a formation and is not wearing polyester uniforms. As a matter of fact, when this band takes the field you have never seen anything so like anarchy. They run around like maniacs, screaming, shouting and generally causing a ruckus. Being educated, you think that this is what Hobbes had in mind when he visualized the "state of Nature". What you are witnessing is a Scramble (or Scatter) Band. Scramble bands do not march. They scatter or scramble onto the field and into formation. This involves running around, hamming it up and generally acting very crazy, childish and/or hyperactive. The general format of a scramble show involves scattering, simple formations, music, and most significantly, jokes. Scatter band shows have jokes as an inherent and fundamental part of their format. These jokes are often controversial and somewhat offensive (especially to the opposing team). A formation and song immediately precedes or follows a joke, and usually will relate to the joke. Another unique aspect of Scramble bands is their instrumentation. Scramble band "musicians" can often be found playing such items as mailboxes, kazoos, bagpipes, cellos and violins, oboes and perhaps scaffolding, all on the field. Indeed, ANYTHING can be a scramble band "instrument". Scramble bands do use traditional instrumentation for their music, trumpets, drums, saxes etc. The songs' instrumentation is simply expanded to accommodate the other "instruments". Uniforms of scatter bands are not your typical polyester, strange color combination, pseudo-military costumes of marching bands. Rather they are generally a comfortable set of pants and shirt combination which is formalized, and a jacket (Ivies) or vest (UVa) ofttimes covered in buttons capped off by each individual's idea for a hat. Scramble Bands were originated in the Ivy League in the early 60s. Harvard had the first Scramble Band. The style spread throughout the Ivy League in the ensuing decades. (Only Cornell still marches.) In the 60s that most infamous of Scatter bands, Stanford, was formed. The University of Virginia's Pep Band started scrambling in 1974. Rice and the University of California at Davis also started scrambling. There are two or three things which differentiate scramble bands from other field bands on a quintessential level. The first is size. Scramble bands, with a few notable exceptions, are only made up of 100 people, tops. (Many have much less.) One of the largest Scramble bands, at UVa, has 140 active members during the height of football season. With such a small size, scramble bands are very close knit organizations. Usually a self-contained social system in and of themselves. The second thing is which schools have Scramble bands. All the Ivies (except for Cornell), Stanford, UVa, UCal at Davis, and Rice. These are among the traditional top schools in America. With the possible exceptions of Stanford, Rice and UVa, athletics is not as much an emphasis as academics at these institutions, and this is reflected in the nature of their bands. Marching bands practice upwards of 10 hours each week. A very dedicated scramble band will practice perhaps 6 or 7. The third factor is Scramble bands' ability to have a good time anytime, anywhere, but especially with each other. There is a palpable brotherhood or family among the scramble bands. They really fundamentally enjoy spending time with each other. In 1994, a new tradition called Cyberfest was founded among the Scatter bands on the East coast. Each summer, various members of the East coast scramble bands get together and party for three or four days. Often, one band's halftime show will have some other band's scrambling membership in it. Road trips to and from each other's schools is a well established phenomenon. And scramble bands can have a good time anywhere. By definition, where there's a scatter band, there's a party. Be it on a road trip to a football game, or snowed in a dorm with three or four band members in it, these band members will find a way to have a good time, together. Scramble bands are often mired in controversy and are usually only a couple of steps away from being disbanded (excuse the pun) by their school's administration. Usually student-run, some scatter bands, such as Stanford, have been forced to accept an administration appointed director. The Virginia Pep Band chose to leave the football stadium rather than give up scrambling and they fought for their right to scramble from outside, eventually regaining the field, and maintaining their scrambling style. Perhaps the hitchhiker remembers the news story about the Stanford band playing outside of the OJ trial in 1995. This is about typical scramble band behavior. Advice For Hitchhikers: If you find yourself with a scramble band, or in the near vicinity of one, your best course of action is to enjoy yourself to the best of your ability. Jokes, insults and a sense of humor are greatly appreciated among scramble bands. If you play your cards right and impress them you may be able to 1. scatter on the field with them (your towel will serve nicely as an "instrument") 2. mooch alcohol off them. 3. mooch a bed off them. If you become truly accepted in the scramble band community (by either joining a band or seriously impressing a band for an extended period) you will be able to find housing and hospitality all round the United States at schools with scramble bands as one band will be able to recommend you to others and give you names of people to contact. Under no circumstances mention marching around a scramble band. Under no circumstances allow yourself to pass out in the vicinity of Virginia Pep Band member George Weilacher. %e *EOA* %t New Jersey Turnpike %n 6R56 %s Hell On Wheels %a Evan "Paradox !-)" Macbeth (edm5s@virginia.edu) %d 19951220 %x Earth %i New Jersey, USA, Earth %e Most people from New Jersey dread the question so frequently heard when people learn where they are from, "Which exit?" This question, of course, refers to that most famous of New Jersey landmarks, the New Jersey Turnpike. It is an odd misconception that most people not from New Jersey have that everyone who does live in New Jersey lives somewhere off the Turnpike. Research has yet to be done into this subject, but many leading minds believe that this strange affliction is due to the fact that the only piece of New Jersey that most out-of-staters ever see is the Turnpike. It is the equivalent of asking an Englishman which part of London they come from, a fairly silly and inaccurate assumption. A turnpike is an American motorway, similar to the Autobahn in Germany or the M1 in England. There is one major difference, however, turnpikes are American, which means they have insane drivers who pay tolls periodically and guzzle ungodly amounts of gasoline. A turnpike, however, ought not be confused with THE Turnpike. The Turnpike refers to the New Jersey Turnpike, the most infamous stretch of road on the eastern coast of North America. The New Jersey Turnpike runs from Deepwater in the south, just across the Delaware River from Wilmington, to West New York in the north, across the Hudson from Manhattan. Along its route, it bisects the state neatly and passes through a great many towns and cities. One city which it passes through is the infamous Newark, New Jersey. Newark has the unique distinction of being the butt of more jokes than even the state of New Jersey itself. Along this northern part of its extent, the Turnpike runs through some of the most polluted land in the United States. It is an interesting coincidence that this area is also the site of the largest ongoing chemical experiment in the world. No one is exactly sure what the experiment is, or what it aims to do, but with the amount of chemicals in the area around the Turnpike in northeastern New Jersey across from New York, some sort of experiment _must_ be going on. The Turnpike is characterized by its high speeds, tolls, its many out of state license plates and the large walls built to either side of it throughout most of its length. These walls were initially thought to be for the prevention of the noise pollution produced by all the cars on the Turnpike. This pollution was thought to disturb the local residents and reduce land values. It is now believed, however, that New Jersey is in fact hiding something from the rest of the world. This something is thought to be very nice and beautiful, which the New Jerseyans do not want the other people in the United States, and in fact, the world, from discovering. The walls along the Turnpike may serve to prevent the out-of-staters from seeing anything which might make them suspect that there is something more to New Jersey than meets the Turnpike. This brings us to another purpose of the Turnpike, public relations. People who have driven on the Turnpike get a very specific impression of New Jersey and New Jersey drivers. Specifically, bad-tempered, polluted, poorly kept roads, high speeds, crazy drivers and a general sense of doom. It is interesting to note, however, that most people actually from New Jersey do not drive on the Turnpike unless they absolutely have to. The reasoning behind this action is that there are too many people who do not know how to drive (ie: out-of-staters) on the Turnpike. When a New Jerseyan does drive on the Turnpike, they drive on it with only one purpose in mind: to get off the Turnpike. Hence, the high speeds and irratibility of the drivers on the Turnpike. This reputation has served New Jersey drivers well throughout the United States, and drivers from other states are known to give New Jersey drivers wide berth on highways. Furthermore, since out-of-staters think that New Jersey _is_ the Turnpike, they do not go mucking about in the other, nicer, non-polluted and generally idyllic parts of the state. The rather high tolls on the Turnpike serve to finance much of the New Jersey's road work, construction and repair. In this way, out-of-staters pay to make New Jerseyan's roads nicer. It is a very ingenious scheme. In this way, the out-of-staters finance making New Jersey nice, while continuing to believe that it is not nice. The Turnpike is a true wonder of modern public relations and finance. Advice for Hitchhiker's on the Turnpike: As a general rule, do not attempt to hitch a ride on the Turnpike. The drivers there are in a bad mood, there is not much space between the walls and the highway, and the speeds are such that one slip will turn you into a crepe. If you have to find a ride, climb over or around a highway wall if possible, and catch a ride on one of the more local roads on the other side. If you find yourself actually driving on the Turnpike, the first action you should immediately take is to pray, passionately and fervently, to whichever deity you feel closest to. The second action you should take is to repress any and all pleasant or nice impulses you may have. The third action you should take is to give a neighboring car, any will do, the middle finger, as a sign of greeting and acknowledgment. After doing this, your safest bet will be to get into the far left lane (the passing lane) and drive five to ten miles per hour faster than the lane to the immediate right. This will allow you to avoid the large tractor-trailer trucks which frequent the Turnpike and pass most of the really stupid drivers who are in the slower lanes. Also, driving in the fast lane will insure that your time on the Turnpike will be as short as possible. You will need to carry at least $5.00 (US, 1995) for tolls. When it comes time for you to exit the Turnpike, be assertive in changing lanes, use your blinker as a force field. Above all, good luck. %e *EOA* %t Chester, New Jersey, USA, Earth %n 6R57 %s Not An Exit %d 19951226 %a Evan "Paradox !-)" Macbeth (edm5s@virginia.edu) %i New Jersey %x New York City, New York, USA, Earth %e Chester, New Jersey, is a quaint little town located in the central part of the northern half of New Jersey. I realize that at the outset, that description might seem a little suspect, given that Chester _is_ in New Jersey, and New Jersey is not known for having the adjectives "quaint" and "nice" associated with it. Chester, however, does deserve their application. Chester has two municipal divisions, the "Township" or everything that is not in the town center, and the "Borough", everything that is the town center. This curious division makes for a "town" with two mayors, two town councils, and two police departments. All this for a municipality of less than 10,000 people (1990). There has been some speculation as to why this odd division is in place. The most commonly accepted hypothesis is that "it's always been that way", a very convenient explanation, given that the people who might have remembered why it was made that way in the first place are all long dead and buried. Chester is drawn and quartered right through the middle by its two main roads, known as Route 24 and Route 206. It is a typical New Jersey custom to name local roads after numbers, in memory of the fact that New Jersey was the first state on the East Coast to legalize gambling, as well as to make directions easier to give. Chester is something of a local marketplace for the surrounding towns. While malls are the primary locations of commerce in New Jersey, Chester has remarkably been able to maintain a strong business in small stores and specialty shops. Many people weekend in Chester, looking through the shops and purchasing antiques and trinkets. Chester also has the only movie theater in the surrounding 10 mile area. This makes it something of a hangout for local youths. These interesting specimens of New Jersey can be seen on their typical mode of transportation, the skateboard, engaging in various feats of devilry in the parking lot. Anthropologists have long wondered about the causes and effects of this behavior, and indeed, the population of youths themselves, but as yet the question remains unanswered. As for bars and parties in Chester, you are going to have something of a difficult time finding good ones. There is a bar at the Publick House in the center of Chester, but it is a rather ritzy place with high prices. Olivers, east on Rt. 24, also has a bar, but it is only a step down from the Publick House. About two miles west on Rt 24, in the Township, there is the Old Mill Tavern. This is the best bet for a bar in Chester. They have over 20 beers on tap, make excellent hamburgers and chicken fingers, and always have the game on TV. If you find yourself in Chester with time on your hands, looking for something to do, you might want to investigate the many parks that Chester has. Chubb park is right next to the Library on Rt. 24 West, the Black River Conservation District is four miles (or so) up Pleasant Hill Road (the road to the left of the Publick House), in the Township. Also, on the opposite side of the Township is Hacklebarney State Park. This is the most civilized of the parks in Chester, to the point of actually having bathrooms! There is a park with a playset south of Rt. 24 in the Borough. (The Borough is only about 1.5 miles in area, wander around until you find it.) If you are looking for a place to stay as a hitchhiker in Chester, forget it. Given that you are a hitchhiker, you cannot afford the one inn in town. This place is that infamous "Publick House," a restaurant and "inn" in the 18th century understanding of the term. The rates are rather expensive, which is odd considering that people would probably be more comfortable at a hotel than the "Publick House". Given that you are a hitchhiker, your best place to sleep a night, assuming a sleeping bag and decent weather, would be Chubb Park, about a mile west of the town center (or Borough) down Rt. 24. The people of Chester are remarkably kind, if a might bit uptight. The Borough sports Nazareth village, a retirement community for Catholic priests, so Chester is a nice place to be if your soul is in torment, or the Apocalypse is nigh. While residents of Chester are New Jerseyans, they are far enough from the areas of New Jersey that people commonly think of when they think "New Jersey" that they may as well have their own culture. Chester does not have any major social problems, although it does have its share of "poor". (The poor of Chester would be the fabulously wealthy of Bangladesh.) The Township sports many developments of very nice houses, and there are a good number of Fortune 500 Execs and middle management living here. Chester is a nice place for a hitchhiker to spend some quiet time, especially if one wants to stay close to the highways and heartbeat of excitement. Chester has the benefit of being close to New York City and Philadelphia, with their clubs, bars, parties and excitement, while being far enough away to be quiet and prosaic. If you are interested in excitement, and the latest debate over the school board's budget just doesn't give you goose bumps, then Chester may not be the place for you. %e *EOA* %t US Naval Abbreviations %n 8R23 %s How The Navy Beats This Horse To Death %a David Kraics (krader@pipeline.com) %d 19951125 %i US Navy Acronyms %i Abbreviations, US Navy %i Acronyms, US Navy %x Acronyms %x AAAA %x Abbreviations %x Abbreviations, List Of %e When it comes to making acronyms, no-one does it, or rather, overdoes it, like the US Navy. Allow me to explain. If it is an object, a place, or a title, it has been acronymized or abbreviated. Take the biggest Navy base in Virginia, for instance. Its full name is Naval Operating Base, Norfolk Virginia, but the Navy calls it NOB NorVa. The Navy likes to use three letter contractions in its abbreviations and uses them whenever it can. Destroyer Squadron becomes Desron. Cruiser, Destroyer Group becomes CruDesGru. There are some exceptions, of course. Lant is always used for Atlantic. That's right, kill the first two and last two letters. Makes sense to me. Rank and titles are bad too. For instance, right after the Pearl Harbor bombing, the title of the commander-in-chief, US forces, was changed to Cominch from (now get this) CinCUS (i.e. SINK US). Commander or Command is Com, but the officer rank of Commander is Cdr., Commodore is Commo, Captain is Capt., Admiral is Adm., Lieutenant Junior Grade is Lt(jg). My rank, when I was in the Navy, was Machinist Mate second class (or petty officer second class), Enlisted Surface Warfare Specialist. The acronym for that is simply MM2(SW). I have even been called that [1]. By the way, don't be impressed with the Surface Warfare part. All it means is that I know enough about every part of my ship to be dangerous to her. The Navy has so many acronyms and abbreviations that they have compiled a complete listing of every one used, and it is updated quarterly. This publication is called "Dictionary of Naval Abbreviations", Naval Stock Number (NSN) COMM 0509-LP-042-0708 [2]. I will end this article by including the acronym that most Naval officers hate and most enlisted sailors use: FTN [3]. [1] For instance: "Hey, MM2!" [2] Thanks to Philadelphia Naval Base, Publications Command, Customer Service Dept. (PhilaNOB, PubCom, CusServDep) for the exact name and stock number of the Publication. [3] TN = The Navy. %e *EOA* %t Ignorance %n 8R24 %s Is There A Cure? Do We Know? %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960229 %i Attempts To Overcome Ignorance %x Bluffer's Guides, The * %x Insanity, Creative Abuse Of %e Ignorance is a massive problem, in any civilization. It is well known that nobody can know everything [1], but life instantly becomes much easier for everyone if the majority of people gain basic knowledge at an early age. People will overcome ignorance in areas, by educating themselves (or by being educated) in the areas in which they lack knowledge. Unfortunately, sometimes this task of educating people is undertaken by someone who possesses the same level of ignorance in the topic as the intended pupil. As a result of this form of "education", the pupil will gain no new knowledge, but will believe a new fiction that is forced upon him or her. He or she may go on to teach this to someone else. This is the stuff of rumour and misunderstanding that also plagues our civilization, and indeed, can even spread ignorance. Ignorance can always be defined in terms of reality, and very basically, much of what is regarded as "real" can be traced back to the beliefs of the people who originally observed it, even back to the invention of language. For example, what we would accurately call a "tree", we could also call a "frog". In the English language this would be incorrect, but if we decided to invent and use our own language, and decided that a tree is called a frog, then we would be totally correct in our observation. Anyone who subsequently arrives, and calls the same tree a "tree" could then be regarded as totally ignorant of your own new little language. Ignorance can only be cured by information, but can never be totally cured, because of the increasingly vast quantity of information that is continually becoming available. Some peoples' attitude to ignorance is an instant dismissal of the subject, also known as the "Don't Know, Don't Care" reaction. These people have been isolated as examples of those who are most likely to have substituted the quest for knowledge with the well recognised art of bluffing. Is this bad? Oh, I don't know. [1] Even though it has always been claimed that such an intellectually endowed entity does exist, nobody has ever been able to locate it. %e *EOA* %t Car Alarms %n 8R25 %s For The Security Minded Or The Hopelessly Optimistic %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960401 %i Noises In The Street %e What the world currently lacks in security, it makes up with a healthy, or perhaps an unhealthy degree of stupidity. The problems of theft and vandalism have, for many years, caused much panic and distress throughout the population, as more and more crimes of this nature have been committed. To fight the specific area of car theft and vandalism, science gave us the car alarm. Unfortunately, it totally failed to perfect it, even in a small way, before the market capitalised on the demand and gave the public what they believed they wanted. The major flaw in car alarms, as they stand, is that nobody has the faintest idea how they should be adjusted, and so many car alarms are too sensitive, and are triggered by so much as a mouse sneezing 200 metres away. The rest can withstand a major earthquake without even a single beep. It is because of this, that when anybody actually hears a car alarm sounding, their first thoughts are not, "Quick, quick, somebody's car is being broken into!", but rather, "When is someone going to shut up that bloody car alarm?" Nevertheless, a car alarm is recognised as a good way to protect your car, at least in part, as a car thief is generally recognised to steer clear of loud noises in the course of his or her duty, on the grounds that it might marginally increase the likelihood of detection. %e *EOA* %t Insomnia %n 8R26 %s Up All Night, Looking For A Cure %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960411 %i Sleeplessness %i Time To Think %x Sleep %x Shopping, After Midnight %x Naps, The Most Convenient Time To Take %x Philosophy %x Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis %e It is quite possible that everybody will suffer from insomnia at some point in their lives. The symptom of insomnia is that you, quite simply, will not be able to sleep, even if you are tired, and are really in need of it. In fact, a greater need, and more usually, a greater feel for need, will help to make insomnia worse. If you find yourself awake at night, lying quietly in bed, wondering why you can't get to sleep, it is quite likely that you will continue to do so for quite a long time, as the major prolonging causes of sleeplessness are the questioning thoughts of the mind. Two possible ways to cure insomnia, or at least partly reduce its affect, are to make yourself so very tired beforehand, that you cannot possibly keep your eyes open or your mind focussed on anything, though this may defeat the object slightly if you only have a short time to sleep anyway. The other way is to find a distraction that will allow your mind to wander away from the thoughts that plague you. Methods of distraction are usually audio-only, and can be the sound from a radio, a cassette tape, or even a television. It is not usually a good idea to actually watch the television, though on occasion this may help to induce the closing-eyes effect, which is a nice prelude to sleep. On the whole, insomnia will usually occur if you have spent a long time, just before going to bed, thinking hard about something, or if you have general problems that you perpetually worry about. The first of these can be solved by breaking with the task that takes your concentration a while before you try to sleep, and doing something simpler. The latter is slightly less easy to solve. If you do find yourself lying quietly in bed, unable to sleep, it could also be that you are just not yet ready to do so. If this is the case, it is an idea to sit quietly and do something else for a while, for example, read a book, watch the television, or listen to the radio or an audio cassette. The most important thing to remember about insomnia, is that you are not alone. There are many people in the world who suffer from this, and cries of "why me?" will not help matters, even if it appears that it is just yourself who cannot put head to pillow and call it a night. You will always find it easier to sleep if you are relaxed, but if you absolutely cannot sleep, it is probably a good idea to use the opportunity to its advantage, by taking the time to think. Some people will fake sleep just to make you believe that you are the only insomniac. [ed.: (old joke) What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do at night? He stays up all night, wondering if there is a dog.] %e *EOA* %t Pizza Ordering %n 8R27 %s 100 Zany Ways To Phone In A Pizza Order %a Chester Woodall (not available on internet) * (formerly woodall@saucer.cc.umr.edu) Not author approved * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet (originally alt.shenanigans) * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19950403 %x Pizza %x Delivered Pizza, Grand Unification Theory Of %e You didn't ask for it, but here it is anyway. Get out your phone and your inborn liking for pizza, because I proudly present: 100 Zany ways to phone in a pizza order --------------------------------------- 1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 3. Use CB lingo where applicable. 4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal. 5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up. 8. Answer their questions with questions. 9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful. 10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: _robust free-spirited cost-efficient Ukrainian puce_. 11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD. 13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. 14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 15. Stutter on the letter "p." 16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) 17. Ask what the order taker is wearing. 18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver. 19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. 21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up. 22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings. 23. Change your accent every three seconds. 24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?" 26. Start your order with "I'd like... ." A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't." 27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window." 28. Rent a pizza. 29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener. 30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. 32. Have your pizza "Shaken, not stirred." 33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?" 34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs. 35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 36. Imitate the order taker's voice. 37. Eliminate verbs from your speech. 38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." 39. Play a sitar in the background. 40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her. 41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 42. Ask to see a menu. 43. Quote Carl Sandberg. 44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back. 45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed. 48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. 49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" 50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?" 51. Psycho-analyze the order taker. 52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again. 53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting." 54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it. 56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired. 57. Report a petty theft to the order taker. 58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." 59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. 62. Try to talk while drinking something. 63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and . . . action!" 64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown. 65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. 66. Be vague in your order. 67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more _oomph_ this time." 68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order. 69. After ordering, say "I wonder what _this_ button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff. 70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry." 71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get. 72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza. 73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage. 75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade. 78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. 79. Put them on hold. 80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders. 81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'." 82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. 83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?" 84. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." 85. Haggle. 86. Order a one-inch pizza. 87. Order term life insurance. 88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?" 89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. 90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza. 91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed. 92. Engage in some serious swapping. 93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word." 94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. 95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you. 96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots. 97. Order a steamed pizza. 98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. 99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it." %e *EOA* %t Flight Simulators And The Neural System %n 8R28 %s Neurological Effects Of VR Flight Simulators Can Have Real Impact %a Jan Vorbrueggen (jan@neuroinformatik.ruhr-uni-bochum.de) * Found in comp.risks.post by Chris Carter (cwc@pseserv2.fw.hac.com) %d 19960418 %i Simulators, Flight %x Flying * %k Virtual Reality * %k Simulation %e Training professional pilots, regardless of whether those pilots will end up flying F-15s for the USAF or 747s for KLM, is extremely expensive. One way of controlling costs is the extensive use of full-motion virtual reality flight simulators [1]. Virtual reality flight simulators have become very similar to reality in the visual domain, but have obvious limitations when it comes to simulating movement: if you integrate all the accelerations your simulated plane seems to be doing, you end up traveling the distance the plane would if it were actually flying [2]. The part of your inner ear that measures acceleration is only briefly stimulated by the start of a movement in the simulator; the rest is done visually, which works because the visual system, having acquired extensive real-world experience, is capable of generating the same sensations as real accelerations [3]. Moreover, your neural system is capable of learning, and quickly at that: in a flight simulator, especially a military one where maneuvers are much more extreme than in a civilian simulator, the pilot learns within an hour to associate visual movement with only very little input from the inner ear. When the pilot next happens to accelerate in the real world (and it reportedly has happened just quickly walking down the stairs after a simulator session) his system revolts [4] because of the cognitive dissonance caused by conflicting actual input and experience. Not a good idea at Mach 0.8 and 50 meters above the tree tops. Fortunately, one un-learns (or, rather, re-learns) within a day or two. [1] Because computers and hydraulically-movable platforms are cheaper than real aircraft, although you wouldn't know it from sitting in coach on a 737. [2] This presents problems when using a stationary simulator. [3] Anyone who has seen an IMAX presentation of the JPL-produced Venus and Mars fly-overs will attest to this. [4] The exact nature of this revolt is left as an exercise for the reader. %e *EOA* %t Grappling The Internet Puzzle %n 8R29 %s Who Are Those Men in White Coats? %a Kathy Durbin (ksdurbin@cnmnet.com) %d 19960426 %x Art Of Being, The %x Enlightenment %x Insane, How Do You Prove You Are Not? %x Philosophy %x IRC, Internet Relay Chat %i Reality, Perceived %i Internet, The True Nature Of %e At last, I finally understand this whole Internet experience! Why did it take me so long to get it? Maybe because it will probably make no sense at all to the rest of the world, but that doesn't really matter because the only person who needs to feel comfortable with what I discovered is me. That statement unfortunately sounds selfish, which is not my intent; it's just the way my mind comprehends it. For some people, the Internet is simply that tired phrase, "Information Superhighway," or whatever the latest drivel. For others, it's a perfect way to unite persons for interaction and exchange of ideas. Several individuals have even crossed the anonymity barrier by actually meeting in real life or hearing each others' voices over the phone. That physical aspect of the Internet has never failed to produce in me a feeling of great dread because of my shy nature. Fortunately, I no longer harbor the fear of someday confronting a real person because of a wonderful discovery I stumbled upon. My great revelation is: the Internet is only an illusion. The "people" who supposedly comprise the so-called Internet are only extensions of myself. What the heck are you talking about, some of the "real" people out there might ask. Perhaps only a delusional introvert like myself could make sense of this, or perhaps I really have lost my mind. All my life I've been so agonizingly shy that to this day I can't bear to be called upon in class even when I'm certain of the answer. Though I may not appear on the surface to be as timid as I know to be true, just the _thought_ of actually talking to another person, it's almost too terrifying to put into words. ...faceless wicked, black-hearted evil beings hiding in the shadows, suddenly leaping out and chasing me, their raspy vile murmurings echoing in my head as they pursue me; arms raised to hurl at me the poison-tipped spears clutched in their bony hands. Closer and closer they gain on me; any moment I will be pierced by their toxic weapons; their hot breath on the back of my neck drives me to run faster, faster.... That image of terror doesn't even come close to describing what a physical confrontation with an Internet human would be like for me. The realization that I have actually survived these 41 years without dying from fright is beyond me. My very first time on IRC was similar to that poison spear feeling, but I made that first keystroke and what a different world I discovered! How fascinating that I could actually talk with people this way, just typing simple letters; not face-to-face and certainly not vocally! However, in our exchange of profound thoughts, I found no one who felt the way I did about the Internet experience. And thus began my struggle with the question of revealing to others my insightful discovery. (Regrettably Impulsive Self speaks louder than Common Sense Self; falsely it whispers that by conveying this message to the world, it will help Real Self to become more knowledgeable.) The Internet _is_ a real-life entity in the fact that there are people all over the world making it evolve and flourish into what it has become. Since I discovered the Internet, the "people" out there I created in my mind have helped me to survive in my world of introversion. I anxiously offer them interrogatory tidbits which become magically transformed into valuable information for my own self-serving enlightenment. Why would my mind create such a thing as the Internet when there's so much I'll never comprehend? My psyche has conceived all these intriguing, complicated intricacies of the Internet to keep me coming back for more. The very essence of the Internet is a soothing salve of compulsion to my being, for without a current "obsession" I feel worthless. And thus completes the catch-22 circle: survival = obsession = internet = fear of confrontation = rationalization imagery = comfort and relief = renewed zeal = compulsion = life. So, after much self-arguing and grappling with this Internet puzzle, my subconscious has graciously given to me its key to keeping me sane. Perhaps it may not be a good thing that I unmasked this unattractive secret to the "world", as all my imaginary friends may never speak to me again. Alas, that's a shame, but that's what the voices told me to do. %e *EOA* %t Typographical Errors %n 8R30 %s It Only Takes One %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960428 %x Ignorance %x Paperless Office, The %x Writers' Block %x Prolific Writing %x Throwing Book %i Typo %i Errors, Typographical %i Mistakes, Honest %i Slip Of The Finger %i Writing, Ruining Your %i Ruining Your Writing %e Accuracy is perhaps one of the most sought-after things in the modern world, and has indeed been sought after for many years. While many people have excelled in the presentation of their writing in a way that can be easily read and understood by the relevant target audience, a major opposing force has come into being. The world has long been aware of the benefits of computerisation in writing. Long drafts of writing which previously appeared on paper, only then on paper first, are now typed straight into a computer of some sort, where they can be edited, altered, corrected, and generally moved about, by whoever wishes to do so [1]. With this advance, however, has arrived the regular problem of persistent typographical errors, which, unfortunately, spoil possible perfection [2]. These errors can arise from several areas. The main problem involves the classic finger-slip, which leads to the incorrect key being pressed. Other problems can come at a later stage, when the actual system you have obtained to transfer your computerised writings to paper, a printer for example, will make its own mistakes. There are many examples of typographical errors, most of which go unnoticed by most, if not by all, in their complete lifecycle. When these are noticed, however, they are sometimes not identified as typographical errors, but rather as either deliberate mistakes [3] or as accidents that are the results of ignorance. Likewise, mistakes that have occurred through ignorance, or anomalies that have been deliberately slipped in, can subsequently and incorrectly be identified as typographical errors. [1] Within reason, of course. [2] It has been noted, that perfection has yet to be totally defined. [3] Though these are irregular occurrences, they have been used for humorous effect. %e *EOA* %t Aggressive Shopping %n 8R31 %s Survival In The Marketplace %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960502 %x Supermarkets %x Shopping, After Midnight %i Shopping With Attitude %i Competitive Purchasing %e The concept of competition has, for as long as anyone can remember, dominated the pursuit of just about anything. This is because it is, quite simply, how society has actually reached its current position, and the reason why progress is something that habitually happens. It has been theorised that, without competition, nothing will change, because nothing _has_ to change [1]. Pushing for what you want is often the way to get it, and this is never more apparent to anyone than when witnessing the mad scrambles that habitually occur in the centres of modern society, the shops, whether they be simple corner stores or massive corporate monsters. Many people have long-since developed the ability to track items down in shops, no matter how much the owners of the store have cunningly hidden them [2]. Spotting these finely homed facilities is a perfect way to identify the experienced shopper, and avoiding these people is a perfect way to stay clear of a massive amount of trouble. To explain: people who know what they are doing and who are able and willing to do it quickly are usually not going to waste any time waiting for "lesser mortals" to get in front of them and do it much slower. Also, most people in the shopping environment will be aware of the fact that many items will be in limited supply, and the disappointment of being told that something has "sold out" can usually provoke a wide range of negative feelings. Hence, they will attempt to use their experience and ability to break ahead of anyone and everyone else. The biggest problems arise when there are more than one of this type of person in the vicinity, and when all of them are looking for the same items. This is where wars are known to have broken out. Examples of phrases gathered from opposing parties on these occasions are usually along the lines of, "Give me that, I was there first," or "I had my eye on that, it's mine," and even, "If you even lay so much as a finger on that, I shall (insert general abuse and/or threat here)." It is because of this that shopping has now become significantly more dangerous for the less committed or less "professional" shopper. Perhaps the only way to survive in the not-to-distant future, will be to become one of the "elite" shoppers, and learn to push with the rest of them. [1] This is, of course, a generalisation. [2] A task for which some are, perhaps, specially trained. %e *EOA* %t Lost Property %n 8R32 %s Finders, Keepers %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960506 %x Holes %i Found Property %i Property, How Not To Lose It %i How Not To Lose Property %i Lucky Find * %x Negative Reality Inversions %x Tunneling Theory Of Sock Disappearance %e If ever there is a situation where panicking is the most appropriate thing to do, it is after you have noticed you have lost something and you realise you are unable to find it. Property that is lost, will never be recovered, unless one of the following, highly unlikely events have happened: You have not lost something but you have merely displaced it. You have redefined the concept of "lost" by asking everyone standing, for instance, in front of something huge, say, the statue of liberty, to close their eyes and then stating: "you can't see the statue of liberty, therefore we have lost it" [1]. Even less likely is being extremely fortunate and finding the lost property anyway. Losing things can be very stressful, especially if the item or items in question is or are very valuable. Precious items are very difficult to recover because when found, they will not usually be returned to their rightful owner, and are regarded as a "lucky find" by their beneficiary. If you have lost something valuable, the only way to recover it is to be far luckier than anybody else in the relevant vicinity. The only real safeguard against actually losing things is to keep your property organised, to know where everything is, and to never put items in unusual places. This can contradict with the advice that anybody could give on the topic of "protection from theft," and it is true that a fine balance must be weighed. However, if you lose something yourself, it's rarely possible to claim it from your insurance company, unless they are composed of that special breed of people for whom the word "stupid" was not adequately defined to describe. [1] Ed.: Didn't David Copperfield do it this way? %e *EOA* %t Waddinxveen, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth %n 6R58 %s A Decent Place To Live And Thus Not Interesting To Hitchhikers %i W'veen, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19950313 %x Meulen, Roel Van Der %x Boskoop, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth %x Netherlands, Earth %x Netherlands, Earth, A Native Writes About The %x Amsterdam, Noord-Holland, Netherlands, Earth %x Earth %e It is highly improbable that a hitchhiker will ever accidently find him- or herself well within the built-up area of Waddinxveen. This can only happen if you've hitched a hike from a commuter from Waddinxveen going home in his decent car after a day's work in one of the larger cities in the Randstad [1], or from a truck driver heading for one of the many companies in Waddinxveen, and you've then accidently fallen asleep. So beware! Waddinxveen is in no way attractive to tourists, let alone to hitchhikers! The town is only meant to live in, not to visit. For people who live there there are a lot of decent facilities. I specifically use the term "decent", which should be used in the narrowest sense, to indicate a major deficiency in Waddinxveen. There is hardly any night life. There are but a few pubs, and no discos or places like that. Most Waddinxveners seem to be opposed to them. The other Waddinxveners thus have to go out in the nearby places such as Boskoop and Gouda, and in cities like The Hague, which are in fact also very near. Very abundant in Waddinxveen are sporting clubs. Football, field hockey, tennis, korfball and basketball clubs, to name but a few. For some of these sports there are more than one club. There are so many of them because one of the previous mayors of the town liked sport a lot, so he made sure it was possible to. There are also a lot of decent schools, elementary as well as high. They are visited by children from the whole region. This makes Waddinxveen a perfect place to live for commuters, who have their work in the surrounding cities, and for their children. There are also a lot of not so old churches (this fact is connected to the low pub count). Waddinxveen lacks a major shopping centre; instead it has a lot of small shopping centres, which some people find cosy. This situation is one of the continuous worries in local politics. Every four years a plan to connect several of these centres to one larger one sees the light, but after a few small changes to streets and builings have been made, all seems to have been forgotten and four years later a new plan surfaces. Well, at least this keeps them from doing more harmful things. The reason for the decentralized shopping facilities lies in Waddinxveen's past, it's geology and geometry. Waddinxveen began as a long, tape-worm shaped village, stretched along the Gouwe canal. Hardly a geometry that stimulates the forming of a centre. The terrain was peat-bog ("veen" = peat bog) whereon some agriculture but mostly livestock breeding (cows, sheep) took place. Later the town grew in various directions, but one at a time. Each new part of town got a new shopping centre. With this growth started a florishing furniture industry, further fed by the easy import of wood over the canal. Up to this day this is one of the most important industries in Waddinxveen. A lot of other companies are established in Waddinxveen, a Volvo establishment, the Gouda treacle wafer factory, and the Gouda candle factory to name but a few. A lot of Waddinxveen lies in quite low polders, mostly below sea level [2]. I would hate to be in Waddinxveen when due to global warming the rising sea level bursts the Dutch dikes. A vertical lift-bridge, one of a series of three [3] connects the road from Gouda to Amsterdam to Waddinxveen. This is the most prominent feature of the town. Although Waddinxveen is more than 750 years old, it is impossible to find a building or structure that has been built earlier than, say, the 1910s. So there's not much historic routes to explore, in fact, none. Due to the tape-worm geometry, Waddinxveen has two railway stations. One more will possibly be added in some years to disclose the youngest business park. And that for a lousy 25,000 inhabitants. The railway line is single track and clearly not a major one. To leave Waddinxveen to go to the larger cities of the Randstad, you will want to get to Gouda first, which offers transportation to anywhere you want. A large highway passes through an aquaduct underneath the Gouwe and the edge of Waddinxveen. The ramps to that highway lie pretty far away from the built-up area of Waddinxveen. When leaving Gouda westbound there is a fork, both in the railway line and in the highway, offering three directions, to Utrecht, to Rotterdam and to The Hague. I have given you these directions for you to know how to avoid Waddinxveen. That is actually not so difficult. You can easily get off the highway or the train in the by far more attractive Gouda but to get into Waddinxveen you will really have to make an effort. This also means that it's a bit hard to get out of it again. That's why I would advise the hitchhiker to avoid it. There's nothing to see and nothing to do, unless you live there. You should also avoid it because I believe the only ways of staying there for the night are to take a room in the ONE hotel, or find a friendly family to offer you a room for the night. I don't think you really want to know more about this place, so I'll at last shut up about it. Just one more remark. The main thing that Waddinxveen is known for is its entry in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Known Galaxy. One of its authors, the Netherlands most prolific Field Researcher, happened to grow up there. [1] The Randstad: the conglomerate of larger cities in the mid-west of the Netherlands: Rotterdam, Delft, The Hague, Zoetermeer, Gouda, Leiden. Don't be surprized when this actually becomes ONE city in twenty years or so. [2] Most of the Netherlands (the name is indicates it) lies beneath sea level. [3] The two other verticle lift-bridge are in the more northern Boskoop and Alphen aan den Rijn. %e *EOA* %t Musical Chairs %n 6R59 %s La La La La Stop! %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960624 %i Chairs, Musical %i Musical Chairs, Cheating At %i Cheating At Musical Chairs %e "Musical Chairs" is a game played mostly by children, certainly in England and possibly elsewhere, where there are a number of chairs and a number of people, and the people are told to move about as long as the music is playing. Once the music has stopped, the people must sit on one of the seats to remain in the game, which is made increasingly difficult as chairs are removed each time. The eventual winner is the one who ends the game, sitting on the single remaining chair. There are a number of ways to cheat at this, the first of these is to find a chair, possibly the one you are most happy with, and move slowly around it, while keeping your backside aligned with the horizontal surface. Possibly, you might rotate the chair to achieve this, but to do this may risk retaliation. If this method looks to prove unsuccessful, you could employ the "barge" method, which involves shoving everybody else out of the way when the music stops. This approach has the possible side-effect of pushing the game into a violent conflict, and should therefore be used sparingly. Lastly, you might think to gain some control over the music, and therefore be able to stop it just as you are ready to sit down. This is a very crafty method, and requires a little bit of fore planning, and possible monetary incentives for the relevant parties. This is not a worthwhile approach if the prize is too small. Usually though, games like this will be initiated in the name of "fun", and cheating is severely frowned upon to the point where cheats are usually barred from participating. Anyway, the prize for winning is usually so small, that participation should only be in the name of fun anyway. The chairs themselves, are not at all musical, and are not capable of being so on their own, and are also unlikely to catch on as a major musical instrument. %e *EOA* %t Dallas, Texas, USA, Earth %n 6R60 %s A Southern Town Which Tries Not To Be One %a Robert Shawn Garland (vicnangl@airmail.net) %d 19960602 %i Transportation In Dallas, Texas, USA, Earth %x Earth %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %x Atlantic City Race Course, Hamilton Township, New Jersey, USA, Earth %x Country Music %x Solutions To Drinking Problems %x Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version %e Dallas Texas is located at the latitude of 32.47 North and the longitude of 96.48 West on a pale blue dot called Earth in the Western Spiral Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy. Dallas is a city filled with over one million occasionally sentient Earthlings (Terrans), most of which have no idea how to ride a horse. However, the rest of the Terrans seem to have a strange belief that everyone in Dallas not only rides horses, but owns them and actually likes the smell of a horse's waste byproducts. Many things can be said negatively about the bipedal life forms called Terrans, but for the most part they do tend to be potty trained. To a lesser extent, the populous in Dallas, Texas are no exception. All the horses are in the city of Fort Worth, just west of Dallas. This is not proven directly by eyewitnessed sightings of horses, except around the Fort Worth Stock Yards, well known for annual celebrations in which grown men climb up on particularly angry horses and pretend to remain on the backs of the beasts for eight seconds. These are called "rodeos" and their reference has nothing to do with Dallas and so should be ignored. The only reason this is brought up at all is because of the fact even though all the horses are in Fort Worth, every Friday Night at the "Dallas West End" Cultural District, one can see a helluva lotta "cowboys" or wanna-be cowboys. These near sentient Terrans can be recognized by their outlandish dress. Cowboys are attracted to wearing faded leg coverings called "blue jeans," large, awkward footwear made from the flesh covering of various animals, and silly looking hats with wide brims that seem to have no obvious use other than to make an individual look silly. Today, cowboys in Dallas are not looking for cows, or horses for that matter. They often find themselves looking for as many alcoholic beverages as possible, and it would be a very small percentage (read nil) of cowboys who had even heard of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. None of them have ever had one to drink. If they had the choice, they would most probably prefer a six pack of "beer" drunk as quickly as socially and physically possible. To understand the strange behavior of some Terrans in Dallas, it may be helpful to look at the city's history. One thousand, eight hundred and forty-one years after a man in Terra's Fertile Crescent was nailed to a tree, one particular Terran, whose name has been lost in obscurity, thought it would be nice to not be nice to an entire forest of trees. He wandered into what is now Dallas but what was then a nice forest of trees. Once there he abruptly pulled out a large bladed device called an 'axe' and without hesitation turned the field of trees into a log cabin. This log cabin stood alone for two years, as the gentleman had relatively worn himself out. However, this did not stop someone else coming along and building another log cabin by threatening yet another group of non-threatening trees which had up until that point been minding their own business. This trend continued on an even keel until the 1870s, when there were enough log cabins and few enough trees to say there was actually a city there. Even in this time period, there were not a lot of cowboys. The city was populated mostly by people of French, German, Swiss, English, and other European descent. The cowboys came from Fort Worth. Well, more specifically, they came from all over, but they all tended to go through Fort Worth because in these days there were few roads, and they all seemed to go through Fort Worth. A handful of these cowboys would get lost on their way to Fort Worth and end up next door in Dallas, trying very hard to look like they were not asking for directions. This is when the cowboys first discovered Dallas bars. By 1980, the population of Dallas had risen from two log cabins to 904,559, plus a handful of cowboys who were still a little lost but too drunk to care about it. By 1992 this number rose to 1,022,497. This number seems to continue rising, and the population of trees continues to decline, all to the chagrin of tree fanciers, who have to vacate the city limits to even get an idea what a tree looks like. Today, Dallas is the largest banking center in the southwest. Ironically, all the money in Dallas seems to be in the northeast corner of the city limits. South Dallas contains a large number of people with very little money at all, but since they do all the work around the city, those with money have deemed it proper to create a transit system called D.A.R.T. DART is short for Dallas Area Rapid Transit. The fact it takes as long if not longer to get where you want to go using DART as it would to walk backwards has no bearing on the name. Another reason for the financiers of DART to be investing money in this foolhardy operation has to do with the fact that people on this planet have just recently discovered that the more trees they tear down to make way for highways and descendants of log cabins, the less trees there are to suck up the carbon dioxide which they exhale. This, coupled with the fact that Terrans drive around in vehicles called "cars" which expel carbon monoxide (something trees hate about as much as Terrans do), has turned Dallas into one big cloud of smog. Due to this, the people who live in north Dallas began a campaign of "Ozone Alerts" which told people in south Dallas that they still had to get to work on time, but they really shouldn't use their cars because of all the smog. The people in southern Dallas responded to this by ignoring it completely, and therefore the problem continued and a lot of people began coughing more often, except for the cowboys who by this time had drunken themselves into a stupor and didn't care about anything. People elsewhere in Terra were getting upset with the people in Dallas, which bothered the Terrans in north Dallas but the people in south Dallas responded to this by ignoring it entirely. Still, the people in north Dallas believed that by giving the people in south Dallas DART, things would begin to improve. DART consists of roughly eighty large yellow buses which give out as much carbon monoxide as eight hundred cars with bad gas mileage. However, the DART theory of air improvement runs something like this: Fact one: The average Dallas Terran drives his/her car to work in north Dallas from his/her home in south Dallas. Fact two: These cars are made to seat four to six, except for the pickups which are all owned by cowboys still suffering from alcohol poisoning and are taking the day off. Fact three: The concept of carpooling is about as common to Dallas Terran nature as not carrying a gun. Fact four: Thirty people in one DART bus should give off less air pollution than thirty people in thirty cars that have better gas mileage, but doesn't. The Terrans from south Dallas respond to these facts by continuing to drive their cars. The Terrans from north Dallas have just recently invested a lot of money in a rail system which would take people from south Dallas to the DART buses in a feeble attempt to bash their heads in with this idea. This sort of thing is common in the Dallas sociology. Please see related entries: Dallas City Council, Reunion Arena Historical, Trinity River Blues, Dallas Zoo Fiascoes, John Wiley Price, et al. The following entries will be included in this database after they are mailed in triplicate to the Dallas City Council for inspection, sat on for three months and are later found under the bird cage at the Dallas Zoo. In other words, don't hold your breath unless you visit Dallas, Texas. Other useless information pertaining to Texas, Dallas, USA, Earth: http://www.census.gov/ftp/pub/statab/ccdb/ http://govinfo.kerr.orst.edu/cgi-bin/usaco-list?22-113.txc http://govinfo.kerr.orst.edu/cgi-bin/usaco-list?30-113.txc %e *EOA* %t Relaxation %n 6R61 %s When the Going Gets Tough %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960624 %x Work %x Insomnia %x Sleep %x Easy Living, How To Survive %i Taking A Break %i Timeout %i Stress Relief %e Sometimes it is necessary, and much easier, to take time out from life to sit back and take in some air away from your task, and relax. It is for this reason that relaxation is so popular with many people, and possibly why many people prefer this to the actual work. Relaxation on its own is said to be as good as sleep, and is indeed an important part of sleep, it being very difficult to sleep if you are not relaxed. At the very least, relaxation is said to do a great deal for you if you are unable or unwilling to attain the required level of consciousness required for actual slumber. People who don't relax enough are likely to suffer, or be suffering, from stress, which is said to shorten the ultimate lifespan, as it may cause heart attacks or any number of other problems. Though many of the problems are more associated with older people, some are known to have been so stressed in early life that they have experienced these as early as their 20s. Relaxation, as with most things, can also be taken to extreme, and it is sometimes the case that too little will get done, because the people involved in its continuation will have spent too long relaxing rather than working. Indeed, many jobs that are estimated to take a certain time, will take a significantly longer time because of the cumulative effect of the relaxation periods set aside (and taken) by the relevant parties. Frequent relaxation brings the heightened possibility of a mistaken diagnosis of post-mortality [1], and can lead to a premature instatement in a six-foot-deep hole in the ground [2]. It is therefore necessary to make sure that, if you are relaxing, you have a fully-working and detectable pulse rate at all times. [1] Commonly known as "death". [2] This is not the only action that may be taken. If you are lucky, you will be sat behind a desk and paid an incredibly large salary. %e *EOA* %t Problem Solving %n 8R33 %s Finding The Way %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960521 %x Insomnia %x Luck %i Solving Problems %e There are many approaches to solving problems. One approach is to generalise the problem, during which certain assumptions are made. Though this can sometimes allow you to form conclusions about the problem, making it possible to examine the problem in a more relevant way, it is often the case that you will be provided with a complete set of totally generalised conclusions, and your expedition into problem solving will have made a complete circle, to no avail. Probably the best way to solve a problem is to approach it and plan its examination based on facts you already know about it. For instance, if you are presented with a problem, "How do you get from one side of a road to another," it is reasonably safe to assume that asking yourself, "What did I have for breakfast this morning?"[1] will not lead to an answer. Many events in life are connected, but this sort of connection tends to make a mockery of reality. If you are faced with a problem that you have been told "cannot be solved", without accompanying proof of that statement, it is possible that its classification is incorrect. In the opinion of some no problem is unsolvable, though in reality there are always exceptions to generalised rules. Usually, if you are told that a problem cannot be solved, and you are not inclined to argue with this judgement, the problem can be safely left alone, and if necessary a neat tick mark can be applied physically, or otherwise, in the appropriate place. If, however, you take it upon yourself to examine a problem in this classification, you should also be prepared to find that the categorisation is absolutely correct. A lot of problems are said to "solve themselves." This is a false assumption. In the real universe, an action will lead to a consequence, and likewise, a consequence must be the result of some action, however small, and at whatever point. This can be proved if you are inclined to examine relevant systems to the necessary level of complexity, though this has been seen by some as a pointless exercise. The concept of luck can also play a large part in the solving of problems, as a solution can be obtained by a chance occurance, for example, an accidental chemical spillage that brings together two elements to create a new and useful compound. Luck, however, is not a scientificly observable thing and is merely a way of describing fortune in the past tense. If you are fortunate enough to discover the solution to your problem this way, it may still be necessary to prove or demonstrate your method, and therein will lie a problem. It is often the case that persistance will lead to an answer, but even the most determined people will fail to solve many of the problems they are faced with, and will perhaps become disheartened by this. Sometimes, this dispirited feeling may lead to subsequent problems failing to be solved, setting in motion a chain reaction. Very often, a problem will have to be solved in a certain amount of time. If you have no idea how the problem should be approached, it is extremely dificult to plan that time. In these instances, it is usually a good idea to provide for a "planning" period before you sit down and do anything. Apathy may lead to a necessity to find time to do this when you are incapable of doing anything else. It has been observed that insomniacs are more likely to produce an approach to a problem after one night, than many others are after several days. Almost without doubt or exception, it is always easier to solve someone else's problems than your own. The reason for this is that a close proximity to a problem will hinder your approach, as many obstacles will prevent you from performing certain actions, simply because of the fact that they may seem relevant when they are not. Pressure is also a constraint, and can sometimes provide the most effective barrier to the formation of a solution. Solving problems, especially larger problems, can induce the highest degrees of satisfaction. It is the case that, with people who have yet to solve a particular problem, they can experience the opposite and equal bouts of anxiety, depression, or even death [2]. This is the why many unsolved problems are hidden from sight, forgotten about, eventually to return to plague you in a much larger guise. It is therefore better to solve small problems while they still are _small_ problems. [1] Ed.: The fat man from "the Meaning of Life" of Monty Python is probably the only exception in this case. [2] This obviously depends on the nature of the problem. %e *EOA* * * End of file: REAL13.NEW * Share and Enjoy! *