*
* Archive:  REAL15.NEW
*
* Created on:  Tue Mar 28 15:30:11 2000
*
* Number of articles:  25
*
* Welcome!  This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of
* Project Galactic Guide.  To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its
* main Web site at <http://www.galactic-guide.com>, where you'll be able to
* find an FAQ.
*

*
* The articles in this file are:
*
*   9R4-1     Madurodam, The Hague, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth
*   9R5-1     Play:  Hamlet
*   6R65-1    Bangkok, Urban Survival Techniques
*   6R66-1    Capital Hostel, Jerusalem, Israel, Earth
*   6R67-1    Future Cafe, Hong Kong, China, Earth
*   6R68-1    Incident At Roswell, The
*   6R69-1    Happy Family Hostel II, Taipei, Taiwan
*   6R70-1    Cafe@Boatquay, Boat Quay, Singapore, Earth
*   6R71-1    Cyberpub, Bangkok, Thailand, Earth
*   6R72-1    Dutch Rail, The Leiden-Utrecht Track
*   8R53-1    Nothing
*   Berets-3  Hats: Berets
*   9R6-1     Avoiding Computer Obsolescence
*   9R7-1     Boomshanka
*   9R8-1     Play:  A Midsummer Night's Dream
*   9R9-1     Underrated Art Of Saute Cooking In America, The
*   9R10-1    Cars, Getting Hit By
*   8R55-1    Rich, Get
*   8R56-1    Schroedinger's Cat
*   8R57-1    Hats:  Sombreros
*   6R74-1    Wheelchairs
*   6R75-1    Wheelchair, Definition Of A
*   6R76-1    Wheelchairs, Getting Through Doorways In
*   6R77-1    Wheelchair, Getting Out Of A
*   6R78-1    Wheelchair, Having Fun In A
*


%t Madurodam, The Hague, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth
%n 9R4
%s The Netherlands In A Nutshell
%a Roel van der Meulen  (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl)
%d 19960714
%i Netherlands For Hitchhikers With A Very Tight Budget, The
%i Holland For Hitchhikers With A Very Tight Budget
%i Miniature Tourist Attractions In The Netherlands
%i Dutch Architecture Museum
%i Architecture Museum, Dutch
%x Netherlands, Earth
%x Netherlands, Earth, A Native Writes About The
%x Amsterdam, Noord-Holland, Netherlands, Earth
* %k Architecture 
* %k Culture
* %k Netherlands
* %k Miniature
* %k Buildings
* %k Tourism
%e
A good way to start a tour through the Netherlands, unless you are "doing"
Europe in four days [1], is to visit Madurodam in the city of The Hague.  It
gives you a broad overview of what there is to see in this country and can 
help you get ideas where to go to during the following days of your visit to
the Netherlands [2].

So what is this "Madurodam"?  Basically it is a miniature city with models
of buildings, scale 1:25, which tries to give a picture of how a "typical"
Dutch city has developed throughout the centuries [3].  The architectural
museum that the place in fact is, was originally designed to preserve some
of the old city and country scapes that are rapidly disappearing due to the
demands of modern time.  At the same time it tries to give a picture of what
the results of these demands are.  There is an old part of the city with
models of structures dating back to medieval times:  from typical houses and
streets [4] to churches and basilisks.

Moving through time you gradually emerge into the area of contemporary
architecture where buildings and streets built only a few years ago are on
display.  Then come the industrial terrain, the offices, the harbour and
such.  Intersecting the many exhibits are the railways where models of all
types of Dutch trains [5] make realistic sounds while they move around.
It's model train paradise!  Of course, moving things attract most attention,
for instance some ships in the harbour (one of which is on fire [6]) and in
the lock.  There are, however, also some exhibits which only operate after
you have inserted the smallest coin that exists in the Netherlands [7], the
"dubbeltje" (10 cents).  For the budget traveler:  just wait till someone
else puts one in.  What then happens is most entertaining, especially for
the many kids that visit the place.  Now you know which locations to avoid.

Almost all miniatures, you must realize, have been picked out of their
natural surroundings to be the building bricks of the Madurodam districts,
or to stand by themselves if the designers thought they looked better that
way.  This sometimes gives an unrealistic and strange impression, so the
best thing to do is to compare them with their counterparts in the
Netherlands some time during the following days.

There are no explanatory signs on the exhibits, so you will have to buy a
(not so expensive) tour guide.  There are many pictures in it, so you don't
really have to make any yourself.  The guide gives you a tour along the
exhibits, but I have to give you a warning:  if you follow the route you
will very soon experience an overkill of impressions.  Therefore it is best
to grab every opportunity to take a break and give your feet, eyes and
brains some rest [8].  You can also decide to follow a route that takes you
in and out of the different quarters so you won't get saturated by seeing
only, say, a lot of ancient buildings.

In the summer, due to the high latitude, it doesn't get dark until very 
late.  This means you will miss the beautiful view of Madurodam by night,
when a multitude of little lights illuminate the city.  The opening hours
are from 9:00 to 22:00, so to see this, a visit outside summertime is the
only way.

On the side there is also an exhibition called Sand World, where statues
have been sculpted out of compressed sand to represent the struggle of the
Dutch against the sea through the ages.  Ennobled sand castles are always
impressive.

How to get there:  from The Hague central station take tram 1 or 9.  On any
train station in the Netherlands you can buy a ticket that combines train,
tram, and entrance tickets, which on itself is a bit less than twenty
guilders, not very cheap.  Talking of which, the restaurants inside are 
pretty expensive, so you better bring your own consumables.

From Madurodam you can easily continue to Scheveningen, where you find the
casinos, the promenade, the pier, and the beach.  This is a nice place to
end your day out, with something to eat and a comfortable stroll.

[1] In that case go to Mini-Europe in Brussels, Belgium.
[2] It is a misconception to think that you have seen all of the Netherlands
    when you have only been to Madurodam.
[3] Inspired on a mini city in Beaconsfield, UK.  Does it still exist?
[4] Examples from Delft, Amsterdam and many other cities.
[5] Dutch Rail = Nederlandse Spoorwegen (NS).
[6] Why this should be part of the typical Dutch landscape escapes me.
[7] The smallest coin of the whole world, I guess.
[8] Shuffling is extremely tiring.
%e
*EOA*


%t Play:  Hamlet
%n 9R5
%s So You Think Your Parents Don't Understand You
%a John Murphy  (JMurphy42@aol.com)
%d 19960801
%x Sleep
%x World According To Student Bloopers, The
%i Shakespeare's Plays, Hamlet
%i Hamlet
%i Plays, Hamlet
%i Reviewing Hamlet
%e
Hamlet is my favorite play of Shakespeare's four big tragedies [1].  It is
also the one that generally appeals more to modern audiences and leaves an
almost satisfied look on the faces of those people whose favorite phrase
is, "Why don't you get off your ass and do something?"  The reason for this
is simple:  the whole idea behind Hamlet is that it is possible to think
too much [2].  All of Hammy's problems stem from the fact that he doesn't
really want to do anything about them.  Well, that, and the fact that his
uncle Claudius killed the King, Hamlet Senior, married Hamlet's mother,
Gertrude, then spent most of the rest of the play trying to kill him off.
Not a happy family life, one can be sure.  Add to this mix an ornery ghost,
a pair of idiot childhood friends, a college buddy, an invading Prince of
Norway, an interfering advisor and his son and daughter [3], and you have
_Hamlet_.  But forget the characters, the play's the thing.

The play takes place in Elsinore, Denmark.  It begins where a pair of
guardsmen with _very_ Danish-sounding names [5] are anxiously awaiting word
on whether or not they'd really seen a ghost.  They have turned to Horatio,
just back with his buddy Hamlet from Wittenberg college.  They see the
ghost, and decide that Hamlet would probably know better.  Important:  make
sure you notice the little bits about Fortinbras Sr.  Not only does it give
you a little perspective on why Fortinbras Jr. is hanging around, but it
also gives you the eerie impression that forces both heavenly and earthly
are at war with Denmark.  Good stuff for essays if you're reading this for
class.

But not now, because we go at once to the Danish court, where we are to
learn very quickly the following:

          1) Hamlet's father died in the garden;
          2) Hammy was called back from college in time to find out that:
          3) his uncle and his mother are:
             a) now man and wife, and
             b) more importantly, King and Queen!

Laertes, who showed up for the funeral, is going back to France, while the
King persuades Fortinbras to go attack Poland instead.  Everybody's happy,
except Hammy, who is dreary and depressed and wants to go back to
Wittenberg and generally wishes he would just die.  At this point, Horatio
tells him about sighting the ghost.

Anyway, Laertes leaves, with a bit of sound advice from his father, and
Ophelia is twice told not to sleep around, particularly with Hamlet.  Then
back to Hamlet again, who is about to see the ghost.  This encounter lasts
the rest of Act One, and all we really learn is that Hamlet Sr. was
murdered by Claudius, his brother, who poured poison in his ear.  Hamlet is
supposed to get revenge on Claudius, but not on Gertrude, who is to be left
to her guilt.

We move on to Polonius, who is arranging for someone to spy on Laertes.  In
bursts Ophelia, who tells a tale of an uncouth Hamlet doing bizarre things
in her sewing room.  Polonius, of course, decides that he (Hamlet) is in
love with her [6].  But that's okay, because some old chums of his,
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, have arrived, summoned by the King and Queen,
and are quickly commissioned to find out what the hell is wrong with
Hamlet.  Once they've left, Polonius, absolutely giddy, comes in to
announce that he's saved the day, and determined why Hammy is being so odd: 
he's in love with Ophelia.

Well, he's done a great job so far (yeah, right), so Polonius is sent to
confront Hamlet, which he does with very little tact, and ends up more
confused than before.  So, we get the great blow-off to the question, "What
are you reading?" in Hamlet's line, "Words, words, words" and we move on to
round two:  Hamlet versus Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.  The two learn
nothing, but Hamlet finds out that they were ordered to visit.  More
importantly, he learns of the arriving actors, who, amazingly, arrive.

Hamlet gives them a quick play to learn, and we find out about his plan:
in order to prove the ghost right or wrong, Hamlet has the players learn a
play which consists of the details of the murder as the ghost has given
them to him.

First thing's first.  The Soliloquy, "To be, or not to be" and so forth.
Hamlet battles with the great questions of existence:

          1) What happens when you die?
          2) What's wrong with suicide?
          3) Why is Ophelia suddenly here asking about the love letters I 
             sent her?

He doesn't answer the last one, because we already know it:  she's bait for
Hamlet, sent by the King and Polonius.  Whether because he knows they're
watching or because he's just plain looney [7], he really rips into her.  He
ends up telling her to go be a nun [8], amongst other things, and makes a
thinly veiled threat to Claudius [9] before storming off.  Maybe Polonius
was wrong after all.

A quick summary of the following is in order.  They play goes on as
planned.  Claudius proves his guilt and rushes off.  Hamlet dallies long
enough to tell off Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, then Polonius, and leaves.  
The King, furious, makes arrangements for Hamlet to go to England, then
sits, as though praying.  Hamlet enters, sees this, and decides not to kill
him.  Philanthropy?  Nope.  He's under the impression that if Claudius dies
while praying, he won't go to hell.

So he goes to see his mother, while Polonius hides behind a curtain and
watches.  Hamlet really rails at her, then sees his father (she doesn't)
and talks to him.  Finally, Polonius cries out, and Hamlet stabs him,
hoping to kill Claudius.  Nope.  So he wishes Mom goodnight and drags the
body away.

Well, everyone's going nuts.  Polonius is dead, the Queen is in hysterics,
and neither Hamlet nor the body is to be found.  When he's finally found,
the body is gone.  When the King asks about it, we get this delightful bit:

King:    Now, Hamlet, where's Polonius?
Hamlet:  At supper.
King:    At supper!  Where?
Hamlet:  Not where he eats, but where he is eaten:  a certain convocation
         of worms are e'en at him.
...
King:    Where is Polonius?
Hamlet:  In heaven; send thither to see; if your messenger find him not
         there, seek him i' the other place yourself.  But, indeed, if you 
         find him not within the month, you shall nose [10] him as you go up
         the stairs into the lobby.

Well, now the King's pissed.  Hamlet's going to England, all right.  And
when he gets there, the letter the King sent contains instructions for
Hammy's head to be cut off.  But before he leaves, he meets up with a
Captain of the Norwegian army who lets us know about the campaign in
Poland.  They fight to conquer a piece of land (not worth five coins) which
the Poles have already hastened to defend [11].  Hamlet is away to England,
but alas, is attacked by pirates!  Ophelia loses her mind and drowns
herself.  And Laertes, newly returned from France, is absolutely boiling
over.

Hamlet returns, having hitched a ride with some pirates.  He'd found the
letter, and replaced it with another telling the English King to execute
Rosencrantz and Guildernstern instead.  He arrives in time for the scene
with the skull [12] and Ophelia's funeral, and he and Laertes get in a
fight.

With Hamlet alive and kicking, Claudius is concerned.  So, he proposes the
following plan to Laertes:  he and Hamlet have a fencing match.  Laertes
will poison his sword, and Claudius will put poison in Hamlet's wine.
Either way, the poor prince is toast.  The two fight, all right, but
somehow, the Queen drinks Hamlet's poison, Hamlet gets hit by the poisoned
sword, he gets hold of same sword and gets a hit on Laertes.  The Queen
dies, Laertes confessed and dies, and Hamlet stabs the King and makes him
drink the rest of the poison.  Finally, he dies also.  Horatio is told to
tell everyone about it, the English ambassador returns to let the King know
that Hamlet's buddies have been executed, and Fortinbras shows up in time
to become King of Denmark.  Happy ending?  Hell, no.  That's why it's
called a tragedy.

A few things to remember while in conversation.  First, Hamlet's insanity.
Simply having opinion on it makes the average person look just a little
brighter.  If they can back it up, that is.  Second, Polonius can be
interpreted as either very wise or just an ass.  I prefer the second, and
it is in fashion lately anyway.  Third, Mel Gibson's version is not exactly
Hamlet.  For one thing, it's shorter.  The play runs about four hours to
Gibson's two, and the Mel Gibson version doesn't have Fortinbras in it,
either.  It's good, and well done, but if you need to know the plot, then
you need to see or read the actual play.  Things to remember include the
various scenes where Hamlet gets depressed ("To be or not to be",
remember?), his treatment of Ophelia, and that he was, by his own
admission, "indifferent honest".  A rundown of his crimes, compared to
those of Claudius:

Hamlet:
          1) Murder (Polonius)
          2) Forgery
          3) Murder (Rosencrantz)
          4) Murder (Guildenstern)
          5) Murder (Claudius)

          As well as being absolutely horrible to Ophelia.

Claudius:
          1) Murder (Hamlet, Sr.)
          2) Accessory to murder (Hamlet)
          3) Criminal negligence (Gertrude)
          4) Attempted murder (Hamlet)

Pretty even, huh?  One might find it amusing to point out that the only
reason that Hamlet is the good guy, and Claudius the bad guy is because
Claudius "started it."

[1] _Hamlet_, _Macbeth_, _King Lear_, and _Othello_.
[2] Okay, not the whole idea, but that's the big one.
[3] Hamlet Sr., Rosencrantz and Guildenstern [4], Horatio, Fortinbras,
    Polonius, Laertes, and Ophelia, in that order.
[4] Or was it Guildenstern and Rosencrantz?  Doesn't matter.  They're dead.
[5] Bernardo and Francisco.
[6] For once, the old geezer's right.
[7] There's an active debate on this one.  See later in the article for
    more.
[8] Well, not exactly.  The exact quote was, "Get thee to a nunnery!"  Not
    too much in and of itself, but remember:  "nunnery" was slang back then
    for "whorehouse."
[9] "Those that are married already, all but one, shall live"
[10] Smell.  Do yourself a favor and don't wonder why you'd smell him in a
     month.
[11] This is a good bit to bring up in discussions on Vietnam.  And no, it
     isn't an ethnic joke.
[12] You know, "Alas!  Poor Yorick!  I knew him, Horatio".  That one.
%e
*EOA*


%t Bangkok, Urban Survival Techniques
%n 6R65
%s Check All Eleven Dimensions Before Crossing The Road
%a Mark Grant  (mark@unicorn.com)
%d 19960623
%i Bangkok, A Tourist's Guide
%i Urban Survival Techniques In Bangkok, Thailand, Earth
%x Earth
%e
Bangkok is an interesting city, but there are a few precautions to take if
you want to avoid being ripped off or worse.  The most important (according
the the local tourist authority) is not to accept any free food or drinks
from strangers on trains or buses.  In the past people have been drugged and
robbed.  Some people even needed hospital treatment because of the drugs
used.

The next precaution is to never accept a visit to a gem or jewelry shop
that's having a sale today.  If you're accosted in the street by a guy who
asks you where you're going and tells you it's closed but his brother's gem
shop is giving big discounts today, then you're probably being invited to
pay a 500% markup on cheap gems.  Carry on to wherever you're going and find
something better to spend your money on (like more Thai food!).

Be wary of people standing around outside shrines selling "tickets".  Quite
possibly they're there just to rip you off and are nothing to do with the
shrine at all. 

Now, traffic is the big one.  Bangkok roads are full of pedestrian
crossings, but they are placed more for show than effect.  You can never be
sure of which side of the road the traffic will be driving on, let alone
which way they intend to go at a junction.  In addition, traffic only gives
way to larger vehicles or occasionally to red lights.  This means that as a
pedestrian you give way to everyone, in particular the cars and motorbikes
which are taking a short-cut along the sidewalk to avoid the traffic jam
ahead.  Note in particular that if a car is indicating that it is about to
turn, the driver may well suddenly decide that they are going to go straight
ahead or turn in the opposite direction.  The only safe way to cross a road
is to take an overpass, but then you miss out on half the fun.

Few Thai taxis have seatbelts, but most have at least one Buddha on the dash
to protect you instead.  They are theoretically cheap, but taxi drivers
like few things more than getting you to pay New York prices.  If you are
arriving at the airport and take a taxi for 300 baht, you may well find that
the price rises to 500 once you're out on the road in the middle of nowhere.
To avoid this, go to the taxi desk instead and get a price arranged on paper
before you leave.  If they try to rip you off you can then call the desk and
they can track down the driver in question.  Generally taxis in the city
don't expect tips unless you start or end at an expensive hotel.  With any
luck the trip from the airport will soon be much easier with the arrival of
the rumored Airport bus service. 

The other problem with taxis is that few drivers speak much English and
definitely no Finnish, Serbo-Croat or Venusian.  Ideally you should have
your destination written down in Thai to show to the driver.  Even giving
them a map will probably not help as most seem unable to read them.  Perhaps
this is because most tourist maps are marked in English rather than Thai.
However, they are much easier to use than buses, which are an exercise only
for the truly adventurous or those who understand enough Thai to buy a
ticket.  The clinically insane might like to try the motorcycle taxis
instead, squeezing between cars and buses at high speed on the back of a
motorcycle, with no helmet. 

Thai food can be dangerous if you're not used to hot peppers and spices.
Many places will cook dishes cool if you look like a foreigner, and for
those of us who can take it that can be a little annoying.  However those
who can't and get a real Thai dish may wish they had a fire extinguisher
to suck on.  You may wish to try a small mouthful before you dig in for
real.  Street food is cheap but may upset your stomach if you've been
living a sheltered life away from bacteria and other undesirable organisms.

Pollution is pretty bad but unlikely to kill you in a short visit.  Worse
is the heat, which will dehydrate you rapidly if you come from colder climes
and walk a lot during your visit.  In the height of summer you should carry
a bottle of water with you if you're going to be walking far.  The local tap
water is not really safe to drink, but luckily bottles of purified water
sell for about 3 baht ($0.20) in small stores. 

There are many stray dogs running around the city, but try to avoid the urge
to pet them.  An estimated 3% to 10% of them have rabies and a bite could
really spoil your holiday.  You may wish to obtain a vaccination before you
travel, just in case.  This will not fully protect you but will increase the
time available before you must get to a hospital for further injections if
you are infected. 
%e
*EOA*


%t Capital Hostel, Jerusalem, Israel, Earth
%n 6R66
%s Cheap And Friendly, If A Little Loud
%a Mark Grant  (mark@unicorn.com)
%x Earth
%d 19960216
* %k Internet Cafe
%e
The Capital Hostel is in the heart of the tourist area of Jerusalem, near
the junction of Ben Yehuda St and Jaffa St.  If you like dancing it's very
convenient for the Jerusalem Underground disco, which lies just below.  If
you don't, then the noise is bearable, though it continues past 5 am some
nights.  Nearby is a great bagel shop, a branch of Subway, pizza, and a
wide variety of other food.

Prices are fairly good for the city at 30 shekels/$10 per night (as of Feb
1996) for a bed in a shared room, or 100/$33 a night for a private room.
The rooms are clean and tidy, and by hostel standards it has pretty good
laundry and bathroom facilities.  There is also a bar and satellite TV.  If
you have valuables then you can store them in a safe behind the counter.
Again at time of writing the staff were friendly, but obviously a lot
could change in a few months with the usual turnover rate at hostels.

From the end of Ben Yehuda St at Zion Square, simply cross the square,
and enter the small doorway in the wall.  Stairs lead up to the hostel and
the bar next door.

For Net users, the hostel is also very convenient for the Internet Cafe.
Simply leave the hostel, turn right as you leave the doorway, walk past
the Kent money-changing stand, and cross the road to Havazzellet St. Walk
along the street until you're sure you've gone much too far, and the Cafe
is on the right.
%e
*EOA*


%t Future Cafe, Hong Kong, China, Earth
%n 6R67
%s Hong Kong's Only Internet Cafe?
%a Mark Grant  (mark@unicorn.com)
%d 19960714
%x Bangkok, Urban Survival Techniques
%x Cafe@Boatquay, Boat Quay, Singapore, Earth
%x Cyberpub, Bangkok, Thailand, Earth
%x Earth
* %k Internet Cafe
%e
Bangkok has two Net Cafes, Singapore has at least four, Taipei also has at
least four, and Hong Kong has none.  Well, sort of.  There used to be a
place here (The Cyber Cafe Club) which was open only on Saturdays and
claimed to allow travelers to telnet for free, but the building is now
boarded up and covered with For Sale signs.  There is also a Net Mongolian
Restaurant (Kublai's on Luang Road in Wanchai), but that's supposed to be
more "eat Mongolian food and use the Net while you wait" than "use the Net
and eat if you want to".  There's rumored to even be a Net Hairdresser, but
no Cafes.  The Future Cafe should change that when it opens in July 1996. 

They saved my life (I'm still trying to arrange to meet my net.friend in
Taiwan) by letting me use the computers for three hours for free even though
they're not open for business yet.  The site is large and full of yet more
Windows 95 machines, and if their post-launch hospitality is as good as
pre-launch, it should have a lot going for it.  Oh, currently the machines
are all set up in a mixture of Cantonese and English, but they said that
would be sorted out when they open.

The Cafe is located at Shop 70, B/F, Home World, Whampoa Garden, Hung Hom,
Hong Kong, Tel. 23560438, Fax 24982155.  They also have a Web page at
http://www.future.com.hk/.  Unfortunately they are some distance from the
nearest MTR station, so the easiest way to get there is to take the Star
Ferry to Hung Hom from Central.  Then follow the Whampoa signs and pass the
Whampoa ship (a very odd structure, a shopping mall and cinema disguised as
a cruise liner -- in the middle of a built-up area).  Turn right and follow
the signs to Home World (or the "Internet Zone" if they're still up).  In
Home World take the escalator to the basement and turn right.  From there
you'll have to find your own way through the warren of computer stores.
Hung Hom seems to be a very Chinese part of town, but most signs are in
English as well as Cantonese.
%e
*EOA*


%t Incident At Roswell, The
%n 6R68
%s Good News For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker?
%a Jonathan David Harmon  (jharmon@mtu.edu)
%d 19951028
%i Roswell, New Mexico, USA, Earth, The Incident At
%i UFO Crash At Roswell
%x Harmon, Jonathan David
%x Area 51
%x Faking UFOs
%x Alien Identification
%x Alien Elimination
* %k Roswell, NM
* %k UFO
* %k Alien
%e 
On the night of July 2, 1947, something crashed in the desert about 75
miles outside Roswell, New Mexico.  The exact identity of this object has
been a subject of debate ever since.

On July 8, the Roswell Army Air Field base commander Col. William Blanchard
released reports that the object found was a "flying disk."  Four hours
later, Brig. General Roger Ramey, the commander of the 8th Air Force at
Fort Worth, Texas, announced that the whole "flying disk" story had been
a mistaken identification of a weather balloon which the base had sent up.
This remained the explanation for the next 30 years.

In the late 1970s, witnesses began to come forward, claiming the first
story was the truth.  Maj. Jesse A. Marcel, a retired Air Force officer,
claimed he had been on the recovery crew, and that the object was actually
a saucer of alien origin.  Others have gone on to say that bodies of the
pilots were also found, bodies which were definitely not human.  My
grandmother, who arrived in Roswell in 1948 to join her husband, who had
been stationed there before the incident, once told me she saw items the
locals had recovered which were definitely not from Earth.  She also said
her husband had told her that bodies had been recovered.  I never knew my
grandfather, and thus was never able to learn more about this.  My
grandmother claimed that everything in the recent movie entitled "Roswell"
was accurate, though, but I have as yet been unable to talk to her about
what she meant (the movie is a dramatized summary of the accounts, including
a story of a live alien being recovered and studied at government
facilities).

In September, 1994, the Air Force claimed that the crashed vehicle was a
then-classified device to detect evidence of possible Soviet nuclear
testing.  At about the same year, Star Trek: Deep Space 9 aired a story
claiming that time-traveling Ferengis were the actual culprits.

This all has serious implications for the Earth-confined hitchhiker.  If
the craft really was alien, this shows that interplanetary travel is
actually possible.  More importantly, it shows that aliens visiting Earth
managed to crash into it, meaning that perhaps those of us wishing to leave
should be careful about checking the credentials of any aliens willing to 
take us, especially those who would choose Roswell, a town with absolutely
no known social life, as a good tourist destination.
%e
*EOA*


%t Happy Family Hostel II, Taipei, Taiwan
%n 6R69
%s Cheap And Friendly
%a Mark Grant  (mark@unicorn.com)
%d 19960216
%e
The hostel is quite well-placed in Taipei, near to the Railway Station.  
It's quite clean and provides mainly dorm rooms but if few people are
staying you can have a four-bed room to yourself for about NT$400 (about
$15) per night.  Long-term discounts may also be possible.  Facilities
include TV and video, shared kitchen, a shared bathroom with slightly
dodgy hot water and a washing machine on the upper floor.  The rooms have
fans for use in hot weather.  The owner is very friendly, speaks good
English and can help out with travel information (e.g. where to get buses
to wherever you're going).  Should you wish to stay in Taipei for a while,
there is also a notice board with ads for jobs as English teachers. 

The telephone number is (02)-581-0716, and you should call before turning
up in case it's full.  If it is then the owner has three other hostels
around Taipei (called, oddly enough, Happy Family Hostel I, III and IV).
This one is located at 2/3FL, No.2, Lane 56, Section 1, Chung Shan N. Rd,
Taipei.  To find it get off the bus at the railway station then look for
No 58 on Chung Shan North Rd (or to approximate the Chinese pronunciation,
"jungshan bay loo").  If you pass a Circle-K on Chung Shan N Road while
looking for the hostel you're about eighty yards too far to the north.  If
you pass under a large MRT overpass, then you're a similar distance too
far to the south. 

Turn down the alley directly before No 58, then take the first right.  You
should see the "HF" sign on the door of the second building on that
alleyway, and the hostel main entrance is on the second floor.  If that's
locked then try the third floor instead.
%e
*EOA*


%t Cafe@Boatquay, Boat Quay, Singapore, Earth
%n 6R70
%s Nice Place, And Your Friends Can Watch You Too
%a Mark Grant  (mark@unicorn.com)
%d 19960620
%x Earth
* %k Internet Cafe
%e
This Net Cafe is located at 82 Boat Quay in Singapore.  To find it, follow
the Boat Quay signs from the Raffles' Place MRT station, fight your way
past everyone trying to drag you into their bars and restaurants, then it's
almost at the end on the left. 

They have lots of PCs running Windows 95, with the main boxes hidden away 
in cupboards under the counter. They are happy to let you use the floppy 
drives if you want to upload or download mail from a remote account via
ftp.  They also have a video camera mounted on the wall, so that if your
net.friends are on-line they can watch you on the cafe Web site (at
http://mondrian.smedia.com.sg/).  Each machine seems to have its own 
camera attached but I didn't play with them at all.

Prices are quite cheap at S$10 (about $8) per hour, and food and drink 
prices are good for Singapore too.  The Net connection is very fast (128
kilobits per second or above, I guess), taking only a few seconds to
download my inbox from California.
%e
*EOA*


%t Cyberpub, Bangkok, Thailand, Earth
%n 6R71
%s Nice Pub, Shame About The Internet
%a Mark Grant  (mark@unicorn.com)
%d 19960620
%x Bangkok, Urban Survival Techniques
* %k Internet Cafe
%e
The Cyberpub is the oldest Internet Eatery in Bangkok.  It is situated in
the Dusit Thani Building on Rama IV Road, next to the Dusit Thani hotel.
As you enter the hotel car park, head over to the left of the hotel entrance
and you'll see the Cyberpub hidden away in a corner.  Descend some steps and
you're there.  

Down below you'll find a bar, tables, a stage for music and a number of
PCs running Windows 95.  As a pub it's quite good, there's plenty of live
music, good but slightly expensive food, moderately expensive beer (100
baht, about $4, for Thai Singha beer) and at least in the evening, lots 
of very cute Thai girls.  If you want Net access, it's not so good.

The first problem is that unlike the other Net Eateries I've been to they
won't let you ftp files to and from a floppy disk.  This means that those
of us who travel with laptops cannot simply download our incoming mail
and upload our outgoing mail with the minimum connect time.  So the only
option is to log in remotely to your account and try to send email when
you have a two or three second delay between typing a key and seeing it
on the screen.  Privacy is also a problem if you are receiving or sending
confidential mail.  The screens are high up and face into the pub, so
anyone nearby can read your display.

This wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that, in order to use the
PCs, you have to get a smart card.  This costs 150 baht (about $6) before
you actually get any Net time.  The computer gives no indication of when
your card is running out and it can only be refilled in units of 100 baht
(about $4), so if your card runs out in the middle of an email session the
PC will just lock up and you have to pay another $4 simply to disconnect.
There is an indicator on the smart card reader, but it seems to be carefully
positioned so that it's impossible to read while typing.  Connect time at 5
baht per minute (about $12 per hour) is about average.

So if you want a nice pub with live music where you can occasionally log 
on to check your email, or you can afford a long session at $12 per hour, 
then it's a good choice -- it's certainly the smartest Net Eatery I've 
visited so far.  If you want a cheap way to send and receive email, I'm
afraid you'll have to go elsewhere.

The full address is:  Cyberpub, Basement Floor, The Dusit Thani Building,
Rama IV Rd, Bangkok, 10500, Thailand, and telephone number Bangkok
233-0313.  I'm not sure when they open, but they seem to stay open until
around 2am when they have live music.  They also have a contact email
address at dusit@comnet2.ksc.net.th.  Prices correct at time of writing
(June 1996).
%e
*EOA*


%t Dutch Rail, The Leiden-Utrecht Track
%n 6R72
%s Adventures In Public Transport
%a Roel van der Meulen  (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl)
%d 19961009
%i Rail, Dutch, The Leiden-Utrecht Track
%i Leiden-Utrecht, A Track Of Dutch Rail
%i Utrecht-Leiden, A Track Of Dutch Rail
%x Netherlands, Earth
%x Boskoop, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth
%x Waddinxveen, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth
%x Netherlands, Earth, A Native Writes About The
%x Amsterdam, Noord-Holland, Netherlands, Earth
%x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker
* %k Transportation
%e
One of the railway lines that receives the least attention of the NS
(Nederlandse Spoorwegen = Dutch Rail) is the track between Leiden and
Utrecht.  While many major arteries in the densely populated western part
of the Netherlands are being modernized and widened, this line remains a
single track line, and won't undergo any changes in the foreseeable future.
Carriages of the oldest type [1] stop at all stations along the track [2],
and traverse the distance in about the same amount of time a modern train
on the almost parallel track Utrecht-The Hague would need to do it twice.

The old trains can't go any faster even if they want to, because they
would surely leave the rails and pursue a career in aviation [3].  The
rails are so bumpy that every time you take the ride and see your fellow
passengers turn into twins, you are positive that this time there will be a
detour via the hospital.  But that doesn't happen.  Well, only occasionally,
but that's only when a farmer or road worker forgets that things called
trains cross the unguarded level crossings also.

The view along this track is reasonable.  You can see a part of the
so-called "green heart of Holland" [4]:  mainly a lot of flat countryside,
meadows in the polders.

Utrecht is a nice city, and so is Leiden.  I believe there are some things
that can be done in Alphen [5] and possibly also in Woerden, but I haven't
investigated these villages.

If you like a bit of adventure you are advised to take this route.  If you
like comfort better, go via Amsterdam or The Hague.

Tips:     1) Never hold your head close to a wall or window.  These will
             smack you and give you a concussion.
          2) Visiting the toilet increases the feeling of adventure.  The
             motions of the train force onto you nice games of balance and
             a lukewarm experience.  That is, if you're a man.  Females are
             advised to _stay clear_ from this little cabin.
          3) Accidents:  the front is where the action is.
          4) Buy a ticket, because on _every_ ride you are checked, and
             violations will cost you dearly.  

[1] The Hondekop (= Dog-head) type.  This name refers to the strange, but I
    guess aerodynamic head (and tail) of the train.
[2] Leiden Central, Leiden Lammenschans, Alphen aan den Rijn, Bodegraven,
    Woerden, Vleuten, Utrecht Central.  In Alphen aan den Rijn you can
    transfer to the track to Gouda, which takes you along Boskoop and 
    Waddinxveen.
[3] One in which black boxes are essential.
[4] To prevent all cities in the area to merge onto one large "Randstad"
    (as the region is already called), bits of green are needed to be left
    open in the middle of it, to kind-of serve as parks.
[5] Alphen contains Archeon, a medieval village where actors play the
    inhabitants (in heavy financial trouble though), and Avifauna, a small
    bird-zoo.
%e
*EOA*


%t Nothing
%n 8R53
%s Doing Something
%a Ben Hausmann  (countzero@whoever.com)
%d 19960930
%x Leif, Miss Universe, And Everything
%e
Wherever I go, people are always asking me what I have done.  It is hard
to answer, because two out of three times, what I have done is:  nothing.
Especially in this country [1] it seems that doing "nothing" is becoming
a growing habit.

People often tell me to "go do something" but the truth is that I _am_ doing
something:  nothing.  And nothing is harder to do than one might think.  If
I do too much nothing, I get bored; if I do too little of it, I will find
myself doing something.

It is strange what society considers to be "nothing", for instance, during
the night sleeping is considered to be doing something.  However, during
the day they say sleeping is doing nothing.  In fact, I believe that after
dark it is almost impossible to do nothing.  Nothing is a strictly diurnal
activity.  For example, watching TV midday Saturday (unless there's sport
on, which is accepted) is doing nothing, while watching a prime time sitcom
or a late night talk show is definitely doing something.

One of the greatest things about doing nothing is that you don't need any
special equipment.  In fact, the less you have the easier it is.  If you
have twenty bucks burning a hole in your pocket it is harder to do nothing
than if you are broke.

However, modern society will not allow you to simply do nothing.  One has
to be a renaissance man:  being equally good at doing nothing and at doing
work.

[1] The You Ess Uv Ay.
%e
*EOA*


%t Hats: Berets
%s Anarchy, The Military, And Fashion
%n 8R54
%a Gavin Schmitt  (schmitt@vbe.com)
%d 19960910
%d 19980123
%x Black Trenchcoats
%x Drivers With Hats
%x Hats: Sombreros
%i Berets
%e
Those of you out there who have (or lack) hair like I do, can probably
benefit from a simple device called a hat.  Hats come in all shapes, sizes,
colors, and religious denominations, but my hat of choice is definitely a
beret.


History Of The Beret
--------------------
Well, the beret is so old no one can be sure of its basic history, but we do
know that it originated in France, "beret" being a French word..  Yet, like
many words, beret actually comes from a Latin word, in this case "birretum",
which means "cap".  And basically, "cap" is exactly what a beret is.  A
floppy cap.

After a while, the various militaries found the hat to be perfect for
ceremonies or other non-physical military activities.  They would wear them
for decoration, and still do.  The beret has become so popular that it has
spread to high schools where girls use them as fashionable headgear, and
certain guys use them to dare to be different.

A variation of the military style is used in Boy Scouting, with the beret
being maroon with a Harvester patch on it.


Two Beret Wanna-Bees
--------------------
The more common of the two beret-like hats is the notorious painter's hat.
This hat is worn by (stereotypical) French painters, and beatniks.  It is my
belief this is actually what berets used to look like, but the knowledge has
died over the years.  They differ from military berets in three ways:  they
are brighter colored, are floppier and more "deflated", and they have an
annoying little stem on them.  They should be considered as fashionable as
military berets, but are not to be taken as serious.

The other type is a newer and fast-spreading cousin of the beret.  I call
them "beret flapcaps".  I don't know if they've become a worldwide thing,
but at least in the United States they have taken their place amongst trendy
people and teenage gangs.  Flapcaps are recognizable as being like a
baseball cap, but having a beret-like fabric on top, slightly flopped, and
no sports team is advertised.  The extra 'flop' snaps down on to the bill of
the cap.  They are often seen in black, gray, and plaid.  Although being
beret-like, I feel that anyone wearing these hats is offending the
beret-wearing community by using a cheap substitute.


Berets In The U.S. Military [1]
-------------------------------
The following colors apply to U.S. Military, each one representing a
different unit or strike force.  In a similar fashion this is practiced in
other countries too.

  Green Berets:  Worn by members of the U.S. Army Special Forces. [2]
  Red Berets:    Worn by members of ROTC (Rot-See) and other subgroups [3].
  Black Berets:  Worn by the Rangers, a subgroup of the US Army.  They are
                 a special force, affetionately known as "the kings of light
                 infantry".
  Maroon Berets:  Worn by members of airborne units, who have successfully
                 passed jump school.  Any non-jumpers are known as "legs"
                 to encourage them to jump.
  The Rare Purple Beret:  Undercover operations.  These are rarely seen and 
                 cannot be bought in stores.  I have never seen 
                 one, but my cousin Paul says they exist (and he's 
                 in the army).


Berets in the Middle East
-------------------------
It has become a stereotype in many cartoons, photos, video games [4], etc.
that military officials in the Middle East wear crooked black berets.  I
wear such a beret (U.S. Made) and have been accused of being "Saddam Hussein
in Disguise" or a "Nazi".  And for the record, Nazis aren't even in the
Middle East.  I do, however, understand where people get this idea from,
with media people like Hussein and Kadhafi going around wearing them. [5]


Anarchy [6]
-----------
Berets and anarchy have long been associated with one another.  When you see
someone on TV wearing a beret, you probably think, "This guy's just about as
liberal and free-thinking as you can get".  I don't have any idea what
berets and anarchy have in common, though.  There's no practical use to
berets in anarchy (except maybe sewing on a patch of your gang or terrorist
organization).

Yet, patches have a very dark image most of the time, making the viewer
think of nothing but evil (of course the dark clothes and unshaven face
add to this).  So some anarchists choose to brighten up their uniforms and
please other people by wearing bright, colorful buttons like the "Smiley".
Buttons are the anarchist's way of saying, "I Hate Government, I Love You."
A good example of this is on the television show "The Young Ones".  Other
than that, I've never seen buttons on berets, and I don't feel they belong
there, either.  Even cute "Have a Nice Day" buttons.

And though I've seen all these things in action firsthand, I still say the
best use for a beret is _my_ use:  to cover up really bad hair.

[1] A very special thanks to Ben Heinl for this section.
[2] See the John Wayne movie of the same name for reference.
[3] ROTC stands for "Reserve Officers Training Corps", which pretty much
    sums up what it is.
[4] "Command and Conquer" comes to mind.  The game is divided between two
    opposing sides, GDI and NOD.  For a while, a man named Seth - who wears
    a black beret just like mine - stole the throne from Kaine.  Relevance?
    Probably none.
[5] (Editors Note) In fact the British military genius Montgomery was also 
    famous for wearing a beret so it is a military fashion which knows 
    no boundaries.
[6] Despite being an avid beret-wearer, the author in no way condones or
    wishes to promote anarchy.
%e
*EOA*


%t Avoiding Computer Obsolescence
%n 9R6
%s An Up-To-Date System In Seven Easy Steps
%a Mark Levin  (meglev@webspan.net)
%d 19960813
%x Computer Jargon Made Easy
%x Computers, Earth
%x Macintosh PowerBooks
%x New York City, New York, USA, Earth
%i Computer Obsolescence, Avoiding
%i Obsolete Computer Equipment, How To Avoid Possession Of
%i How To Avoid Possessing Obsolete Computer Equipment
%i Purchasing The Latest Computer Equipment, A Guide
%i Keeping Your Computer Equipment Up-To-Date
%e
You know the old saying:  "If cars had progressed as fast as computers, we
would be driving at 500 MPH in a $25 car that gets 2 million miles per
gallon and seats the population of China."  Technology is racing ahead at
an obscene speed these days, and even the people who invent it cannot keep
up.  The engineers would walk into the lab and find that another lab's
experiment had made their work old news before it was even news at all.
And the other lab would be eclipsed by the first lab's new efforts, until
the whole industry was like a giant seesaw, with at least five children
scrambling for position, and at the same time being balanced on a greased
pipe by a half-blind cerebral palsy victim.  But at last help is here:  a
simple method for keeping yourself right on the cutting edge!

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:  If you decide to try this yourself, we are not
responsible for the consequences.  We could say "This procedure is only
recommend under certain circumstances," except the only circumstances under
which it actually _is_ recommended are when you have just won the lottery
or you are Bill Gates.  On the other hand, Microsoft's current market share
means that payday for Bill is kind of like a lottery itself.

Before you can begin your personal attempt to enter computer Nirvana,
you must complete the following checklist: 

          1) First, you should select a location.  The best place for this 
             operation is the largest and most well-stocked computer store 
             you can think of.  In New York City, a good bet is J&R Computer
             World [1], somewhere in the vicinity of the World Trade Center.
             Since most stores of this size are segregated by platform, 
             choose one and set up your headquarters in its geometric 
             center.  Your headquarters should include all the ads for that 
             store that you can get your hands on, a huge pile of credit 
             cards, and a semi truck.  Fitting a semi truck into a computer 
             store is no easy trick, but if you prefer one computer 
             platform feel free to demolish the store department selling 
             the other one [2].

          2) Ground rules:  in each section, there are some basic 
             guidelines that should usually (see step 6) be followed.  Do 
             these things before following any special instructions:

                    a) Buy the item with the largest physical dimensions.
                    b) Buy the most expensive item.
                    c) Buy the item with the largest numbers written on it.

          3) Begin by purchasing an actual computer.  Buy the computer with
             the largest number written on its label (aside from the serial
             number!)  Also, be sure to buy the CPU with the most little
             slots and gizmos on the front and back.  Another good strategy
             is to buy the computer with the largest number as part of its
             name (e.g. Power Mac 9500/150).  If there is any confusion
             about this, find as many numerical stats as you can about each
             system, total them up for each computer, and pick the highest.

          4) A computer is useless with out something to look at, so buy a 
             monitor next.  Once again, buy the monitor with the largest 
             number as part of its name.  Also, be on the lookout for custom
             technologies with sci-fi names.  A label reading MultiSync, 
             ViewMatch, or CyberScreen [sic] is a sure sign of innovation.  
             The final purchase should be the monitor with the most other 
             thingies built, or plugged, in.  Look at the Apple AudioVision
             (nice name, see previous) series:  aside from a screen, they 
             sport built in speakers and a microphone, with places to plug 
             in more speakers, another microphone, your mouse and keyboard, 
             and a digital camera!

          5) Before you purchase an input device, you must decide what kind 
             of input device you want.  This may seem an irrelevant choice 
             because all input devices are the same:  you move your hand, 
             and the computer responds.  But what you buy is important if 
             you will use the computer specifically for one task.  For 
             games, buy a joystick (or if you can find one, a Weapons 
             Control System [3]).  For graphic work, you need a tablet,
             which is a large flat thing you draw on with an electronic 
             pencil.  The rest of this is pretty much covered by the ground
             rules.  Buy the device with the most buttons on it, and the 
             keyboard with the most separate "key areas" (alphanumerics, 
             number pad, function keys, etc).  If your hand hurts, buy the 
             keyboard that splits into the most pieces.  Assuming that it
             is designed to, of course.  Avoid buying a keyboard that your 
             semi truck has crushed, or one smashed by the manager after 
             seeing what the truck has done to his store.

             You can also diversify, into other odd areas of input.  Speech
             recognition is a long-awaited and _really_ expensive (not a
             disadvantage, see disclaimer) technology, which works
             surprisingly well anyway.  One company claims to sell a device
             that allows you to control the computer with your mind.
             However, the reviewer reports that the device worked equally
             well with his finger, a grape, and a wadded-up paper towel.
             This is a true stry I read in the New York Times.

          6) Storage Devices:  this is the one exception to Ground Rule C, 
             Access time.  Hard drives get better as this _decreases_, so 
             find the _smallest_ access time possible.  Hard drives also 
             obey the strange Law of Inverse Name Relevancy, which states, 
             "The speed of a hard drive mechanism is inversely proportional 
             to the coolness and relation-to-essence-of-hard-driveness of 
             its name."  In other words:  buy the hard drive with the 
             stupidest name.  Perhaps hard drive makers are simply running 
             out of words to use; I mean, how else to you explain names such
             as Fireball, Barracuda, Raven, Tsunami, and Caviar?  Strangely,
             the drive named after a bunch of dead baby fish is the best.

          7) To do this part right you will need a list of all the programs 
             you have at home.  Buy any program with the same name as one of
             yours but a higher version.  Buy any program with the words 
             "Pro", "Enhanced", or any synonym, assuming you don't have them
             already.  If you are looking for computer games, also check for
             the words II and Return, and the phrases "Cutting-Edge 
             Technology", or "Innovative Graphics Engine".  Also buy any 
             game that:

                    a) contains the name of another game (HeXen:  Beyond 
                       Heretic).
                    b) has a quote on the box favorably comparing the 
                       contents to another game.

             But don't buy a game that mentions that it uses a certain 
             "engine", unless that engine name has never been used before, 
             i.e. Duke Nukem 3D's "Build 3D" engine is new, but Corridor 7's
             "Advanced Wolfenstein 3D" engine has gotten old.

The final step:  repeat this procedure every six months.  You may wish to
have the management leave the hole in the side of the store to make it
easier to get the truck in next time, or even install a permanent garage
door.  Watch magazines and catalogs, especially those little graphs in the
review section.  If your personal system isn't at the top, RED ALERT!  And
you'd better win the lottery again or wait for your Microsoft paycheck,
because these things don't start out cheap.

Of course there are alternatives to buying your way to the top.  You could
hold up the store with an assault rifle, and demand their best merchandise.
Pro:  you don't need to win the lottery.  Con:  you can only do it once.  
A more realistic solution would be to slow down technology.  Although 
attempting this singlehandedly is akin to stopping an avalanche with a
tennis racket, it could be done by killing various designers and product
managers.  If you destroy the team who invented Fast SCSI, the disk and
storage industry will drop nicely.  Assassinate Bill Gates and you will be
a hero.

There you have it:  the simple way to stay on top of the dog-delete-dog
world of computers.  Too bad we can't all do this.

[1] J&R has branches in several other cities, but I don't know which ones.
    A good rule of thumb here is to find the store with the maximum square
    footage of tables occupied by merchandise.
[2] If they complain, hey, you can compensate them.  You won the lottery!
[3] This monster resembles two or three mutated joysticks cemented 
    together, and looks really weird even just sitting there.
%e
*EOA*


%t Boomshanka
%n 9R7
%s Driving (Slowly) Into Trees Can Be Fun Too
%a Chris Tann, The  (chris_tann@bigfoot.com)
%d 19950130
%x Boredom
%x Rules Of Car Chasing
%x Car Alarms
%e
It seemed like a good idea at the time.  In fact, looking back, it still
seems like a pretty good idea [1].  Picture the boredom of youth, or even
youths.  Picture the boredom of youths sitting around drinking.  Picture
the boredom of youths sitting around drinking, looking at the fire-break
running around the property, and thinking, "Wouldn't it be nice if...?"
Picture three of these youths getting a couple of hundred bucks together,
leafing through the paper, and buying the cheapest running car they could
find.

Now picture [2] the same lads, spending a weekend thrashing the car around
the track, running it into trees, and generally having a wow of a time as
is the want of lads (and lasses) of that age.

Thus was born the tradition of Boomshanka [3].  This first car, an old blue
HK Kingswood with a Teddybear screwed to the bonnet, was Christened
"Boomshanka I".  Imaginatively, the next two cars, a Fiat 128 and a Holden
Torana respectively, were Christened "Boomshanka II" and "Boomshanka III".
Boomshanka IV was a Venetian Gondola, but that's another story.

[1] An empirical definition of "A Good Idea" is difficult to obtain.  For
    the purposes of this article, we will use the definition "Bloody stupid
    and dangerous, but probably good fun if no one gets killed."
[2] Those of a more sensitive nature should refrain from picturing this
    bit.
[3] The word means:  "May the seed of your loin have fruit in the belly of
    your woman."
%e
*EOA*


%t Play:  A Midsummer Night's Dream
%n 9R8
%s Lord, What Fools These Mortals Be!
%a John Murphy  (JMurphy42@aol.com)
%d 19960731
%x Play:  Hamlet
%x Play:  Richard III
%i Shakespeare's Plays, A Midsummer Night's Dream
%i Midsummer Night's Dream, A
%i Plays, A Midsummer Night's Dream
%i Reviewing A Midsummer Night's Dream
%e
In this, one of Shakespeare's earlier plays, we are given, by most
accounts, better characters than plot.  The plot line is split into three
subplots, and the skeleton of Theseus's wedding to Hippolyta [1].

The first plot consists of the love affairs of four characters:  Lysander,
Demetrius [3], Hermia, and Helene.  At the beginning, Hermia loves
Lysander, Lysander loves Hermia, and Helene loves Demetrius.  Problem is,
Demetrius loves Hermia, and Hermia's father loves Demetrius [4].  Thus,
Hermia is supposed to either marry Demetrius or, according to Athenian
Law, she may choose between being a nun or being dead.  She doesn't 
favour either option, so she and Lysander plot to run away together.

Oberon and Titania, rulers of the fairies, are having sort of a spat.
Titania has this Indian boy that she's apparently rather enamoured with, at
least to the point where she won't hand him over to Oberon.  She can't
attend his revelries, nor he her orgies.  In fact, they don't even like to
look at each other.  Enter Puck, a mischievous goblin, and Oberon's new
tool of revenge.

Finally, the play!  No, not _the_ play, but the play "Pyramus and Thisbe",
being performed by a group of morons, most notably the town Weaver, Bottom.
He, apparently, is the veteran actor, or so they seem to think.  Rather,
so _he_ seems to think, because he also seems to think that he could play
any and all of the parts [5].  A good indication, here:

Quice:  Flute, you must take Thisbe on you.
Flute:  What is Thisbe?  A wandering knight?
Quince: It is the lady that Pyramus must love.
Flute:  Nay, faith, let me not play a woman; I have a beard coming [6].

The real action of the play starts in the woods.  Lysander and Hermia have
run off.  Demetrius, in a fit to find her, gets Helene to tell him where
they are.  He rushes to their proposed meeting place, with Helene
close on his heels.

Now, Oberon has been plotting some kind of trick to get that Indian boy,
and he hits upon a plan.  Puck will go and find a certain flower which,
when its juice is put on someone's sleeping eyes, causes them to fall in
love with the first person they see when they wake [7].  While he is
getting the flower, Oberon spies on Demetrius and Helene, in particular the
way he continually spurns her love.  He decides to be nice, but since the
two have left, Puck is given instructions to make a man in Athenian garb
fall in love with her.  And, of course, to do something nasty to Titania.

He manages the second part pretty well.  Coming upon the actors, he
discovers Bottom the weaver, being very loud and obnoxious.  With just a
little alteration, he turns Bottom's head into that of an ass [8], and with
a little manipulation, Titania falls head over heels in love with him.

The first part is the problem.  You see, Lysander and Hermia raced out to
the woods and, exhausted, fell asleep in the underbrush.  Puck finds
Lysander and, through one thing and another, causes him to fall madly in
love with Helene.  He finds out his mistake (too late) and also causes
Demitrius to fall in love with Helene.  The two declare their undying love,
Helene thinks they're making fun of her, and they end up deciding to duel
over her.

Puck, of course, is laughing his, er, head off watching these four trying
to sort things out.  Oberon, however, orders him to set things right, and
gives him something to counteract the effects of the juice [9].  So he
lures them one at a time, into the clearing, and remarkably makes them all
fall asleep together.  He puts the new stuff on Lysander's eyes, and when
the four are discovered by a search party, all is well.  The three pairs
[10] are getting married.  Oberon gets the Indian boy from a love-stricken
Titania, and Bottom gets his head back.  He doesn't get waited on hand and
foot by oddly-names fairies anymore, but hey, that's life!

This should have been the end of the play, but there's an encore!  We get
to see the actors' performance of "Pyramus and Thisbe".  More to the point,
we get to see the newly-married couples heckle "Pyramus and Thisbe".  This
is the point where less couth audiences so do as well, and so long as
you're watching it on video, feel free to; it's fun.

For the average Hitchhiker who doesn't feel like reading or watching this
play, well, you're missing something.  It's a short play, and can be read
in a few hours, while some of the lines (particularly Puck's) are great,
and more to the point, imminently quotable [11].  Not too much literary
value, other than some excellent character development.  But hey, it's fun,
and it's a fairly easy read.

[1] He an Athenian Duke [2], she the Amazon Queen.  Wedding of the stars,
    here.
[2] You're right, there were no Dukes in Athens, which was a democracy.
    Let's just pretend, okay?
[3] Other than Hermia's rejection of one and undying love for the other,
    there is very little to tell Lysander and Demetrius apart, save the
    convenient fact that Shakespeare wrote their names next to their lines.
    If you are not reading the play, but rather watching, then pay attention
    to what is being worn by whom, and you'll be okay.
[4] Yes, this is Ancient Greece, but not that kind of love.  He just likes
    the guy, okay?
[5] Don't laugh; I know actors like that.
[6] Well, I thought it was funny, especially if one imagines Flute
    delivering that last line in a state of panic.
[7] Sound familiar?
[8] Bottom, Ass?  Ass, Bottom?  Get it?  Got it?  Good, let's go on.
[9] So you like the juice.  The juice is good, eh?  Oh, never mind.
[10] Forgot about Theseus and Hippolyta, huh?  That's okay, so does
     everyone else by this point.
[11] "Lord, what fools these mortals be."
%e
*EOA*


%t Underrated Art Of Saute Cooking In America, The
%n 9R9
%s The Bitter Aspects Involved In The Life Of An American Saute Cook
%a Mike Rohde  (MRohde@aol.com)
%d 19961012
%i Saute Cooking In America, The Underrated Art Of
%i Cooking, Saute
%i Professions:  Saute Cook
%x Cuisine Unauthentique
%x Fast Food
%e
Are you looking to pursue a career as a saute cook in America?  Would you
just like to learn more about the aspects involved with being a saute cook
in America?  Are you just really bored and looking for anything mildly
entertaining to read?  If you have answered "yes" to any of these
questions, please feel free to read further.  Or, if you have answered "no"
to all of the above questions, you may want to read this article anyway, 
simply because you have already come this far; a popular American quote is
"nobody likes a quitter". 


The Meaning Of Saute
--------------------
Let's look at the French word "saute" and its actual meaning.  The term
"saute" is an adjective meaning:  "fried quickly in a pan with a little
butter or other fat [1]."  This definition is very true, but is it
actually helpful to most inexperienced kitchen people?  Possibly not, but
live with it.  Now, Webster's Dictionary does not have a definition for
saute pan, but if they did, I'm quite sure it would be a noun meaning:
"frying pan, or pan used in frying."


The Saute Cook In America
-------------------------
Once again, Webster's Dictionary did not provide a definition for the term
"saute cook", but I'm sure this is how it would read:  "a hot, sweaty
person covered in a large amount of butter or other fat."  This, however,
may not always be true, since saute cooks may also be covered in a large
variety of other tasty sauces.  Some examples are:  marinara, pesto,
alfredo, and pomadori.  The list of sauces can go on and on, beginning with
a simple scampi [2], down to complex sauces you wouldn't want to stick in
your mouth if you ever managed to find out all the ingredients that
actually went into them.


That Sounds Fun!  How Can I Get Employed As A Saute Cook?
---------------------------------------------------------
Simply apply for the job.  They'll probably give it to you right away,
especially if someone just quit.  If not, try attending a reputable
culinary school for a few years.  If you fail after that, simply memorize
the phrase, "Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?"  Why should I
learn that you ask?  Because you can't cook!


Why Should I Want A Job As A Saute Cook?
----------------------------------------
You most likely don't, but if you insist on looking for some good reasons
to do such a thing, try these:  saute pan burns leave interesting scars;
you didn't need that hair on your arm anyway; tomato-based stains are not
easy to get out of white shirts.


Flipping Stunts
---------------
Here are some entertaining flipping stunts that may be used to liven up an
otherwise monotonous career choice.

          1) The simple flip:  this, of course, is simply flipping the food
             contained within the saute pan, off the pan's outer rim
             (furthest from the handle), and hopefully having all its
             contents land back within the pan's outer rims.  Seen as
             impressive by most, but mere child's play to a true saute
             cook.

          2) The reverse-simple flip:  a slight variation of the simple
             flip, only the food is flipped off the inner edge nearest the
             handle.  However, this is not the common flip for most
             American saute cooks, and is mostly seen in Chinese Wok
             cooking, but don't quote me on that.  For all I know it could
             be one of those unusual lefty things.  I'm right handed,
             myself.

          3) The double flip:  the simple flip performed simultaneously
             with saute pans in both hands.

          4) The double-switch flip:  complicated, but unbelievably easy if
             practiced enough.  There are two ways to perform this method.  
             The first method involves flipping both pan's contents into
             the air, and simply crossing the now empty pans before their
             contents return back down again.  The second method is much
             harder:  this involves actually crossing the pan's contents
             without actually switching either pan, and hoping the two
             pan's contents do not collide in mid-air before landing
             gracefully into each adjacent pan.  This is very hard.

             WARNING:  learning this trick may not be good for your
             kitchen's food cost [3].  Attempt this trick at your own
             discretion, or if you just hit the lottery, and plan to quit
             anyway.

          5) The triple flip:  this is performed with two pans in one hand,
             and a single pan in the other.  The simple flip is used for
             all hands involved.

             Note:  it is always best to have your dominant hand hold the
             pair of pans, while your least dominant hand holds the
             remaining one.

          6) The etcetera flip:  done with four or more saute pans.  As the
             number of pans increases, it will become more difficult.  If
             anyone says that they can flip four or more pans, they are
             either ambidextrous and really good; have a friend helping
             them out; or they're, most likely, lying.  Take your pick.

          7) The "accidentally flipping it onto the floor and then picking 
             it back up again" flip:  just kidding folks!  Kitchen people
             would never dream of doing such a cruel and unsanitary thing.  
             Unless we're really, really super weeded [4].  No, not really.
             I'm kidding again!

[1] From the Webster's Dictionary 1989.
[2] Basically butter, garlic, and white wine.
[3] Food cost is basically just as the name implies.  You take the cost of
    the food that you buy, compare it to the food that you sell, then you
    mysteriously put these two figures together and come up with your food
    cost.  Somehow?  Anyway, if the food cost gets too high, people end up
    getting fired.
[4] Kitchen term meaning that you are so unbelievably busy cooking food
    that you want to quit your job, and find a new less stressful one.
%e
*EOA*


%t Cars, Getting Hit By
%n 9R10
%s Falling Off Of And Getting Hit By Cars
%a Mike Schmitt  (schmitt@vbe.com)
%d 19961116
%i Getting Hit By Cars
%i Automobiles, Getting Hit By
%i Traffic, Getting Hit By
%i Making Money From Car Accidents
%x Rules Of Car Chasing
%x Boomshanka
%e
The two constants in life:  death and taxes.  Is there a third?  You bet
there is!  Sometime in your life, you will either be hit by a car or fall
off of one; it just happens.


How To Properly Fall Off A Car
------------------------------
The first step in falling off a car is getting on top of one.  This is
really easy.  Next, while on the car's roof, trunk, or hood, hang on to
any object safely welded to the car.

You are now properly situated.  Have the driver, assuming you're not
driving it yourself [1], slowly gain speed and pull out on to the road.  
You should fly back slightly as speed increases, but your body will soon 
grow used to this and you will be riding on top of a car going upwards of
twenty-five miles per hour.

Now, the key to this art:  falling off.  Have the driver take a sharp turn
without slowing down.  No matter how well you hang on, you will fall off.
Then you are greeted by the sheer force of concrete.

Note:  my experiences with this have only been in a T-Shirt and knee-length
shorts on Homecoming night.  I was scraped rather badly.  Precautions to do 
this should be at least long pants and a jacket; I recommend a helmet, too.


How To Properly Get Hit By A Car
--------------------------------
In my life, I have only ever been hit by a car twice; oddly on the same
day by two separate cars.  I was on my bike coming home from school on
November 7th, 1996.  A very odd day.

The best thing to do is to use the "space cushion" rule.  You will get hurt
a lot less if there's a layer of aluminum between you and the automobile.
Basically, ride a bike.  Getting hit by a car directly to the body may
result in a fast trip to the emergency room, which is not funny, not that
any of this ritual really _is_ funny.

Another rule to use is to make sure only your back tire gets hit.  If so,
you can often escape with no damage to you or the bike.  It happened to me
and I didn't even stop biking [2].

If you do get hit on the front half of your bike, this is not good.  It
means the back half has not reached the car and you will continue to move
forward until the whole bike is sucked right under the vehicle.

Whether you are hurt or not, the driver who hit you should run out and
make sure you're all right.  If so, refuse all bribes they offer you, even
if your bike will never roll again.  If you are not all right, the cops
will probably be on their way already and you can look forward to a nice
cash settlement from the guilty party [3].


Things Not To Do
----------------

          1) Never purposely get hit by a car.  It's usually more dangerous
             and you _will_ panic.
          2) If you're a driver, don't hit a person on a bike.


Make Money Fast
---------------
Pre-Cash Warning:  this is not my idea.  I saw it in a movie once; I'm not
sure what it was called, but I think it starred Dana Carvey.  Also, it
goes directly against Thing Not To Do #1.

Stand at the corner of a four-way intersection that uses traffic lights and
look like you're going to cross the street.  However, instead of doing so,
wait for a car to slow down at the red light.  Jump and roll sideways on
to the car's hood.  If done quick enough, the driver will believe you have
been hit and quickly run out to help you [4].

This is where you ask for money; fifty American dollars being the fairest 
amount [5].  If they don't do anything to get the cash, fake injuries; 
threaten to sue; anything.

If all else fails, you at least have the satisfaction of knowing this guy,
or woman, had the fright of their life.


Post-Article Warning
--------------------
Although I have personally done most of these things, I declare them
unsafe and not to be tried by untrained civilians.  Yet, this is a paradox
because the only way to train yourself is to practice, practice, practice!

[1] Actually, I have had the unfortunate thrill of riding "shotgun" in a
    car where the driver was outside of the vehicle.  You'd be safe to
    assume I was just a _tad_ worried.
[2] And it was a full-sized car.
[3] The pedestrian always has the right-of-way.
[4] If for some reason they don't help you, try to catch their license
    number as you lie there on the road, possibly really hurt from falling
    off the car.  Give it to the first car that stops.  Revenge is yours.
[5] This being an international guide, I must remind you to always consult
    the latest exchange rate charts.
%e
*EOA*


%t Rich, Get
%n 8R55
%s How To Get Rich Slowly
%a John Murphy  (jmurphy42@aol.com)
%d 19960927
%i Get Rich
%i You Too Can Get Rich Slow!!!  (Parody)
%x Financial Freedom
* %k Spam
* %k Parody
* %k Money
%e
This letter is PERSONAL TESTIMONY from someone who "GOT RICH QUICK!" and who
wants you to have the same opportunity:

You, yes, you, can be a millionaire if you want to be!  "Why," you say, "you
don't even know me!  I'm a wastrel, a gambler, a drunkard, and an all-round
loser!  What makes you think that I could be a millionaire?"

Easy.  Because I know a little secret, and I'm going to share it with you.
You see, inside of everyone, is a little miser.  Some little, shriveled,
disgusting old man that says, "You don't need that stereo!" or "What, are
you nuts?!  They're perfectly good childrens' servings for half the price!"
What I'm going to tell you is how to make that little miser pay off big
time.

****** THIS IS PERFECTLY LEGAL! *******

I have painstakingly researched everything in this post (well, okay, I
read a few cereal boxes and watched one episode of Sixty Minutes), and have
come to the conclusion that very little, if any, of it is illegal.  If it
is, let me know and I'll most likely beg and plead and promise you all sorts
of money if only you won't break my kneecaps.

******* THIS IS NOT A PYRAMID SCHEME *********

In fact, I slept through that section of Ancient Egyptian History.  But,
even if it were, I PROBABLY WOULDN'T TELL YOU ANYWAY!  Why?  Because if I
did, then nobody would participate, and half the fun of pyramid schemes is
getting in touch with new and interesting people, getting to know and love
them, then SOAKING them for all they're worth!

****** THIS REALLY WORKS *******

I am now completely and totally debt-free.  No credit card bills (even
those guys at Sears won't give me a card), no student loans (ahhh, but with
my newfound wealth, I'll make those admissions officers pay) and I even
bought a NEW CAR!  Yessir, I bought a 1995 Pinto, driven only once, and sold
shortly after at the previous owner's estate auction.  Even better, I have a
wonderful job, McDonald's has never treated me better, and let me tell you,
I never wore that paper hat with more pride.

******* SO, HOW DOES IT WORK???? *******

But that's the simple part!  This whole process works on the
self-flagellation technique of money saving.  All you have to do is this:

Hate yourself.  Spend your entire life doing nothing but working four or
five jobs.  Buy things like beans, rice and coffee in bulk and eat nothing
but three servings of each every day (don't even bother cooking it, and see
how much you save on water bills!)  Even better, those cloth sacks they come
in make FANTASTIC clothes for the cheap-o in all of us.  Don't bathe, live
in darkness, and once you've read those discarded papers, burn them for
warmth!  All the while, your earnings from those jobs will be piling up in
the bank, accumulating all sorts of interest while you make new friends of
all your new and interesting parasites!

I GUARANTEE THAT USING THIS METHOD WILL HELP YOU ACCUMULATE A MILLION
DOLLARS IN TEN OR TWELVE YEARS EASY!

You might even live long enough to enjoy it!!!  [1]

[1] In case you're wondering, this is my response to all those who insist on
    shoving their own get-rich-quick schemes in my mailbox and news reader.
    All I ask of those of you who enjoyed this little thing is to send it on
    every time a similar situation bugs you.  Thanks!!
%e
*EOA*


%t Schroedinger's Cat
%n 8R56
%s Fun Quantum Physics Experiments You Can Do In Your Spare Time!
%a Arthur Rudolph  (Mag8Bob@aol.com)
%d 19961020
%i Thought Experiment Of Schroedinger, The
%i Cat, Schroedinger's
%i Experiment, Schroedinger's Famous Thought
%x Quantum Mechanics Of Sandwiches In Lunchboxes
%x Cats
%x Gedankenexperiment
%x Drawing Conclusions
%x Supermarkets
* %k Quantum Physics
* %k Physics
* %k Observer
%e
In the late 1920s the Austrian physicist Erwin Schroedinger came up with an
ingenious thought experiment.  His proposed experiment was to see if you can
kill a cat without looking at it and without the ASPCA [1] running you down
like those crazed mobs in the bad horror movies.  Just kidding; actually
his experiment was to prove that the field of Quantum Mechanics, which he
himself had helped to pioneer, was in fact completely ludicrous.  He was
like the Cheshire Cat of the physics world:  "We're all mad here.  I'm mad.
You're mad."  (Except he didn't smile constantly and couldn't disappear.)
The experiment consisted of placing three things in a sealed box:  a cat, a
vial of poisonous gas, and a radioactive mineral.  The experiment is set up
so that two conditions are true:  

          1) if the radioactive mineral decays it will release the gas in
             some way and thus kill the cat, and
          2) there is a 50/50 chance of the mineral decaying in the limited
             time the experiment takes up.

According to the Schroedinger Wave Form Equation (developed by none other
than Spiro Agnew, um, that is, Erwin Schroedinger) and the theories that go
along with it, you can not determine what will happen, only the probability
of a certain event occurring.  Strangely, this event does not actually
happen until you observe it.  Let's say you shoot one photon at a
photographic plate divided into two regions.  There is a 50% chance of it
hitting section A, and a 50% chance of it hitting section B.  Until you
develop and look at the plate, these are the probabilities, and both exist
at the same time.  

When you look at the plate, one of two things happen, depending on what
school of Quantum Physics you belong to.  There is the Copenhagen
Interpretation (so named because that was Einstein's brand of chewing 
tobacco), which states that when you look at the plate, the wave form will
"collapse" and the probability of the photon hitting section A will "jump"
to one, while the probability of the photon hitting section B goes to zero.
There is also the Many Worlds Interpretation.  Here, when you look at the
plate, the universe splits into two parallel universes, one where the photon
hits A and one where it hits B.  The Many Worlds Interpretation is the basis
for the popular television show "Melrose Place" (or is it 90210?).

Because the wave form collapses or the universe splits when the system is
_observed_, not when the event occurs, you can not tell whether the cat is
alive or dead before you look in the box.  Therefore, this deceptively
complex cat manages to be both alive and dead at the same time, until you
actually look in the box.  This defies all common logic and obviously must
be wrong.  This is why Schroedinger created this paradox:  to prove how
stupid our explanations for the sub-atomic realm seem, let alone our
explanations for the normal realm!

There is, however, a way around this problem.  If you could look at the
object without a single particle hitting it, then the wave form wouldn't
collapse or the universe wouldn't split.  While this seems impossible, using
a device known as an interferometer and a series of light polarizers it
becomes a possibility.  You can conclude that something is in a location
by the fact that a photon does not exhibit interference.  Not only that, but
it also makes thousands of julienne fries [2].  This is all thanks to the
wave-particle duality of light, which is a different story altogether [3].
This proves a very important point:  if man concentrates his entire brain
power on one task, eventually he will get too bored, pop open a beer and
watch the Jets lose.
 
[1] ASPCA, American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, a fun
    American concept.
[2] A popular American infomercial-like term.  Used often in cheesy
    commercials for Ginsu knives and the like.
[3] Because one path of the interferometer is blocked, the beam splitter
    which usually recombines the two beams split at the entrance of the
    interferometer acts differently.  Even if only one photon is sent
    through the system, and it doesn't hit the object, interference will not
    occur.  This means a photon detector set up in a region that usually
    shows canceling interference now has a 50-50 chance of being hit,
    proving that something is blocking the path.  For information on how to
    do it with better than 50% chances, see the article in October 1996's
    Scientific American, "Quantum Seeing in the Dark" by Paul Kwiat, Harald
    Weinfurter, and Anton Zeilinger.
%e
*EOA*


%t Hats:  Sombreros
%n 8R57
%s Shade, Style, And Plastic Chickens 
%a Mike Schmitt  (schmitt@vbe.com)
%d 19961022
%i Shade And Style In One
%i Sombreros
%x Drivers With Hats
%x Hats:  Berets
%e
It's hot, it's humid, and there are no trees for miles.  Lucky for you
you're carrying the handiest, most practical hat a hitchhiker can have:
the Sombrero.

If you're looking for shade, you don't have to look very far wearing a
sombrero.  The shade stays with you.  In fact, "sombrero" derives from the
Spanish word "sombre", meaning shade.  The word "sombrero" also directly
translates to "hat", so it could be considered "the shady hat".  The word
has since become so popular in the United States and Great Britain that it
is now also an official English word along with a Spanish one.


History Of The Sombrero
-----------------------
The first people to wear this useful device were apparently Mestizo workers
in Mexico and the southern United States.  Where they got the idea from
remains a mystery, but it's highly possible they thought up the idea
themselves.

Scenario:  Paco is in the hot Texas sun, hoeing some beets for his 
employer.  Suddenly, it gets really hot.  "Gee, man.  Eet sure eez hot!"
So he decides to build a crude straw hat big enough to keep the sun out of
his face and eyes.

Today, sombreros are used as visuals for laziness, and as gag gifts at
parties and celebrations.  They are rarely taken seriously, and no longer
carry the message of the true hard-working Mestizos.  It's a shame, but all
traditions follow this path to doom.


Types Of Sombreros
------------------
The more familiar of the two sombrero forms is the "El Straw Cheapo".
This hat can be purchased from such fine vintages as festivals and
amusement parks.  They try to bring out the true spirit of the sombrero:
craftsmanship and hard work.  They fail, though, because it just turns out
that children (and college frat boys) will wear them to look goofy and mock
other people.

The less familiar (but higher quality) sombrero is the "El Felt Richo".
It's basically the same as the straw hat, but is made from felt and often
has intricate designs sewn on to the top portion.  It costs much more than
the straw sombrero because of material prices, but is also much more showy.
It blends in to any surrounding, and often impresses the opposite sex.

Both these hats can contain hanging stringed wooden knobs called "beads".
These beads are used in the Mexican Hat Dance (see below) or in high
movement activities (such as moshing [1]) to give the hat "life".  It is
rare to find a hat like this in the United States, but it's more available
in the United Kingdom and Mexico.


Proper Attire
-------------
Those over-the-shoulder throws?  They are called "serapes".  That is
pronounced Sir-OP-Eez.  I call them "rugs".  This is because it looks like 
a rug with a hole cut in the middle for the head to fit through.  You throw 
them over your shoulder, and this is considered proper sombrero attire.  
Often times, you'll see gauchos (Spanish cowboys) wearing such an item.
Practical uses for them include hiding guns and ammo underneath.  I suppose
you could hide dead cats under there, too.

Also, if you just wear a sombrero during leisure time, you need sandals.  To
wear a sombrero without sandals is like eating a cheese pizza.  You've got
the pizza/hat, but it's just so damn plain.  Besides, sandals are the most
comfortable shoes you can buy.  You can wiggle your toes, and you get a nice
breeze!


Media Appearances
-----------------
In the comic strip "Peanuts", we see Snoopy's brother Spike sitting under a
cactus writing a letter to his brother.  He has the sombrero on, along with
a traditional Mexican moustache.  Why does a dog have a mustache?  And who
sold him the sombrero?  Oh, what was I talking about?

Spike first appeared in the comic strip 1975-08-13, but was first mentioned 
on 1975-08-04.  He has seven siblings, and their names (in no order) are:
Belle, Marbles, "Ugly" Olaf, Snoopy, Molly, Rover, and Andy.

Another fine cartoon character is a rodent by the name of Speedy
Gonzales.  He's quick, agile, and stylish in that little pint-sized hat
of his.  El Felt Richo brand, no less.  His cries of "Arriba" and "Hondole"
can strike terror in any cat, showing the true Mexican spirit of power.  If
I ever meet a Hispanic Mouse, I'm not stopping to say hello.


Mexican Hat Dance
-----------------
In Mexico, a man uses his sombrero in the national dance called "Jarabe 
Tapatio", or the Mexican hat dance.  The man tosses the hat on the floor in 
front of a woman, and, if she accepts him, she dances on its wide brim.
There seems to be another form of this, where the hat owner will simply
dance around his or her own hat.


Sombrero Influence
------------------
An acquantaince of mine, Jenny Kempen, was having a summer party, and I was
invited.  Well, before long, the party got to be a bit of a bore.  So with
her permission, I dressed up in her El Straw Cheapo, a pink moo-moo, a long
rubber snake, and The Wooden Horse of the Apocalypse.  I went around
barefoot moaning "Dios es muertes.  Viva el diablo!"  I warn you all:  it
was the sombrero!  Only this powerful device could turn me from my faith.
By the way, I haven't been invited back since.


Sex Appeal Concerning Sombreros
-------------------------------
One time while at Great America (an amusement park in Illinois, USA, Earth)
I received an El Cheapo sombrero for playing ring toss.  It started to rain,
so I sat down under an umbrella table.  Two girls nearby started talking
about me and I had a gut feeling they were going to ask me for my phone
number.  Then they got up for some pretzels, started laughing, and left.
Now I'll never know.

Later on that year, I brought my sombrero to school and actually wore it.
In Biology, a girl named Kelly Ploetz called out, "Ooh, sexy hat!" in a very
sarcastic tone.  In afterthought, however, I believe she was talking about
someone else.  

[1] Moshing is a dangerous type of "dance" where everyone gets in a big mud
    pit and pushes the other people around.  The biggest display of this
    would have to be Woodstock '94, in Saugerties, New York.  While 
    extremely fun, it was banned from several concert halls due to the 
    unfortunate death of a young girl at a Smashing Pumpkins concert.
%e
*EOA*


%t Wheelchairs
%n 6R74
%s What Are They And What Can You Do With Them 
%a Robert Garland  (myst@onramp.net)
%d 19960607
%x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker
%x Wheelchair, Definition Of A
%x Wheelchairs, Getting Through Doorways In
%x Wheelchair, Getting Out Of A
%x Wheelchair, Having Fun In A
%e
START DISCLAIMER:
The wife of the author of this entry suffers from a neurological condition
called ankylosing spondilitis.  While not permanently confined to a
wheelchair, she occasionally has been forced to utilize one, so this author
does speak from experience.  This entry is not intended to insult those who
are confined to wheelchairs.  It is however intended to be read while
eating hot pizza and a cold beer.
END DISCLAIMER

Robert Garland has this to say about Wheelchairs:

"Mostly not unfun."

This has stumped scientists and philosophers for decades, basically due to 
the double negative which completely confounds them.  Is it fun to be in a 
wheelchair or is it fun not to be in a wheelchair?  That all depends upon 
your point of view.  

Obviously, throughout the known galaxy there are people who will tell you
that they are having loads of fun and you will observe that they are not in
a wheelchair.  Furthermore, you will find yourself at other times speaking
with hoopy froods who are in a wheelchair, and they too will astound you
with enlightening and entertaining descriptions of just how much fun they
are indeed having, or have had at one time or another.  And yes, at those
times they were having fun, they were in fact in a wheelchair.

Yet, still more beings in known reality, if spoken to, will bore you with 
long, annoying accounts of how they really are not having any fun
whatsoever, and observation will prove that these particular unfun people
are certainly not residing in wheelchairs and may in fact not even have the
slightest idea what a wheelchair is.  Finally, there are people who for one
reason or another find themselves in wheelchairs and are in fact not having
any fun.

What does it all mean?  

The point is, it is not the wheelchair in and of itself which provides the 
glee or lack thereof.  It is what one does while inside said device, and the
attitude one has while residing in said device, which dictates whether or
not fun is in fact going to be had.

For example, if a person is reading this particular entry in Project
Galactic Guide, and they are in a wheelchair at the time, chances are they
are not having any fun.  Not because the chair is uncomfortable, or because
they have useless lower limbs, but because this entry in Project Galactic
Guide is not a particularly interesting thing to read while sitting in a
wheelchair.  It ranks just below the back of a cereal box, and just above
reading the actual owner's manual which comes with the wheelchair.

If one is going to be in a wheelchair, for one reason or another, the main 
point of importance which should be placed upon that individual's life from 
that point on is, in fact, whether or not that person is going to have any
kind of fun whatsoever while in it, and how to go about doing that.  There
are some who find themselves in a wheelchair, and refuse to attempt to have
any fun.  This may be for good reason.  However, it is a known fact of the
universe that if the will of the universe dictates for one reason or another
that you are in fact forced to remain limited to the use of a wheelchair in
order to transport your body around, the will of the universe is basically
telling you to slow the hell down and smell the roses.  Take a daisy, as it
were.  God has in his, her or its infinite wisdom basically told you that
marathons really aren't your style, and it is vitally important for you to
spend more time experiencing life more fully utilizing your upper limbs,
cranium, and torso.

You can choose not to take God's advice, but it really makes little 
difference because you are going to be unable to _not_ take said advice.
You might as well go about having that fun while you concentrate on the
second most important point which should be placed upon the life of the 
individual in a wheelchair, which is eventually finding a way to get out of 
that wheelchair.  

The second point should in no way ever interfere with the first point.
If, by occasionally taking the time to examine the second point, you realize
the first point really _is_ a lot of fun, perhaps even more fun than before
it became important at all to have fun while in a wheelchair, the second
point becomes rather irrelevant.  Full focus then applies to how to have
more, and exciting, fun while _in_ the wheelchair.

The third most important point is irrelevant in regards to the first most 
important point, as are all other most important points past number three.  
However, the third most important point is sometimes referred to as 
Attempting To Get Through Doorways.

So, to recap, the three most important points about being in a wheelchair 
are:  

          1) Whether Or Not Fun Is Going To Be Had, And How To Go About
             Doing That;  
          2) Eventually Finding A Way To Get Out Of That Wheelchair; and  
          3) Attempting To Get Through Doorways.
%e
*EOA*


%t Wheelchair, Definition Of A
%n 6R75
%s What Is A Wheelchair?
%a Robert Garland  (myst@onramp.net)
%d 19960607
%x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker
%x Wheelchairs, Getting Through Doorways In
%e
First Definition:  "A wheelchair is a chair with wheels under it."

Scholars debate this quite infrequently, usually over brunch, when they
have nothing better to do.  There are chairs made on the planet Earth with
wheels on them, but they may or may not be wheelchairs.  Many chairs with
wheels on them are stationed at desks and allow the user to position him or
herself closer to the desk or farther away without putting horrid scraping
marks on the wooden floors, or wearing out the plush carpeting.  These are
known simply as desk chairs, even though they are chairs with wheels and
therefore technically fall into the first definition of what a wheelchair
is.

Due to this fact, it is necessary to create the second definition of what a 
wheelchair is, otherwise known as the revised definition.

Revised Definition:  "A wheelchair is a chair with wheels under it that 
allows the user to transport his or herself from one place to another, 
regardless or whether or not an office desk happens to be within the
vicinity at the time."

An esteemed colleague of this author, named "Paco", has pointed out that
the revised definition is still not completely definitive, so a revised
revised definition has been formulated.

Revised Revised Definition:  "A wheelchair is a chair with wheels under it 
that allows the user to transport his or herself from one place to another, 
regardless or whether or not an office desk happens to be within the
vicinity at the time, and is not an automobile, or similar motorized
vehicle utilizing an internal combustion engine or having an upholstered
interior."

More specifically, the common wheelchair is a chair made from a metallic 
alloy, with a very uncomfortable seat (usually made out of leather but not 
necessarily so, and should not be confused with an upholstered interior)
that necessitates the user to add some form of foam cushion to the back and
buttocks.  These devices often have foot rests, since the feet will most 
probably not be doing anything useful at the time the wheelchair itself is
in use.  Located below and to the left or right of the user's buttocks are
two very large wheels with circular bars attached to make it easier for the
user to push the wheels along without getting dark tire marks on the hands
from the rubber outer edges of the wheels.  Located to the left or right of
the foot rests are two smaller wheels, thus making a proper wheelchair a
four wheel drive.

The common wheelchair is also rarely referred to as a manually operated 
wheelchair, which necessitates some form of human effort in order to move.  
If the user is tired of pushing him or herself by grabbing the two large 
wheels and moving them forward, he or she can try to con some unsuspecting 
dupe into grabbing hold of the two handles located just above the back of
the wheelchair, and pushing the user around that way.  The one who performs
this action for the wheelchair user is usually either a friend, a nurse, an
idiot, or some combination of all three.  

There has yet to be a form of manually operated wheelchair which is operated
by pulling the user.  These are referred to as rickshaws or something of
that nature, and fall into a completely different jurisdiction, not covered
in this entry.  They would also be much more difficult to get through
doorways, and it is unnecessary to create any item on the face of this
reality more difficult to get through doorways than a wheelchair, so the
concept is moot.

Some modern wheelchairs are battery operated.  These are known as 
battery-operated wheelchairs.  Some also use the term self-propelled, but 
that suggests that the wheelchair does in fact have a sense of self.
Until they are computer operated with voice integrated circuits and
artificial intelligence capable of saying "I think therefore I am going to 
fail getting through the nearest doorway" and mean it, they have no sense
of self and therefore cannot be self-propelled.  If the user of the
wheelchair had way too much chili, that would be a form of air combustion
used as the mode of transport, and the term "user-propelled" would be
useful here.

Battery-operated wheelchairs usually have some sort of device that a part
of the user's upper anatomy (preferably a hand, but when not feasible, the
user's tongue is just as sufficient) to instruct the chair into moving 
forward, backward, or spin on its axis in feeble attempts to get through 
doorways.  Battery-operated wheelchairs travel at a speed in excess of one 
mile every five weeks. 
%e
*EOA*


%t Wheelchairs, Getting Through Doorways In
%n 6R76
%s The Third Most Important Point About Being In A Wheelchair
%a Robert Garland  (myst@onramp.net)
%d 19960607
%x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker
%x Wheelchair, Getting Out Of A
%x Quantum Mechanics Of Sandwiches In Lunchboxes
%x Towels
%e
Despite all attempts by modern science to create a wheelchair which is not
blocky, difficult to operate and manage, or uncomfortable to sit in without 
fluffy cushions, they have completely succeeded in making it simple to get 
wheelchairs through doorways - at absolutely no sufficient level whatsoever.

Wheelchairs are by nature designed to move forward or backward, and to
spin to the left or right on its own axis.  There is never a function
on any electric wheelchair which says, "get through this doorway", and
therefore wheelchairs appear to be very diligent in achieving to full
dissatisfaction of the user not to succeed in the attempt.

It is particularly difficult with manually operated wheelchairs.  The user 
must use his or her upper limbs to propel the chair forward by grabbing the 
rims of the two large wheels positioned below his or her arms and turn them 
toward the door.  In order to do this the user must be prepared to get
bruises and scrapes and possibly crushed knuckles as he or she realizes
that the width of the doorway is equal to, or lesser than, the width of the
wheelchair. 

Sometimes this can be simplified by the use of a friend or nurse or idiot
who takes the handles located at the back of the wheelchair and pushes the
user of the wheelchair through the troublesome egress.  

Sometimes this can be simplified by some stranger who wants to get through
the egress but cannot, because there is a wheelchair in the way.  This
stranger can in a pinch act as a friend or nurse or idiot and perform
the same function of pushing the user through the door.  Sometimes these
strangers are very polite.  Sometimes you wonder if their mother loved them.

Sometimes no one comes along and the user is incapable, not only of getting
through the doorway, but, once halfway through the doorway, of backing out
again, because she/he is now jammed into the doorway and cannot break free.
It is at a time like this when it is vitally important for a competent
hitch-hiker to have brought with them a sandwich and a towel.  The sandwich
is useful to keep the user's strength up while he/she waits to be rescued.
The towel makes a very good pillow when rolled up and put between the
back of the head and the doorframe, for when she/he tires of keeping his/her
strength up while waiting to be rescued.

More self-sufficient users of wheelchairs will cuss a few times, lift 
themselves out of the wheelchair, and throw themselves to the ground.  At
this point they will use one arm to steady themselves into a seal-like 
position, and the other hand to carefully coax the unwilling wheelchair 
through the doorway.  The lower limbs usually decide to play a game of poker
while this is happening, as they are uninterested in being reminded how 
annoyingly useless they have become for their owner, and have long since 
gotten over feeling guilty about it. 

Once successfully free of the doorway, the user now confronts a completely 
new dilemma:  getting back into the wheelchair.  The solution lies in
applying the brake switches to the wheels, but many have forgotten to
perform this action, all to very unhealthy results.
%e
*EOA*


%t Wheelchair, Getting Out Of A
%n 6R77
%s The Second Most Important Point About Being In A Wheelchair
%a Robert Garland  (myst@onramp.net)
%d 19960607
%x Transportation Methods for the Earth-Confined Hitchhiker
%x Wheelchairs
%x Wheelchair, Having Fun In A
%e
This item in the story of wheelchairs is not a particularly funny bit, and
so we will dwell on it only briefly.  There are some who believe there is a
reason for everything, and that those who have been put into the wheelchair
by whims of fate should be content in knowing that they are alive at all,
and should appreciate life for what it is.  Those people need to have their
heads examined, preferably just after a large, heavy object has fallen upon
it.

However, they are not completely off course.  Being in a condition which
necessitates a wheelchair allows one to reflect on the speed one has been 
going through life.  Up until that point, many who were at one time not in 
need of a wheelchair didn't really spend enough time relaxing.  They were 
skiing, bobsledding, mountain climbing, driving a car, house cleaning,
horseback riding, hiking, hitch-hiking, or any number of other activities.

They may or may not have been enjoying life.  They may or may not have been 
stopping every now and then to smell the roses.  Regardless, being confined 
to a wheelchair forces one to stop and smell the roses, and appreciate life 
from a new vantage point.  It gives them _an excuse_ to stop and smell the 
roses, and sometimes that in itself is a disguised blessing.  

Most who become confined to a wheelchair only realize this after a long 
period of time in which they refused to accept the responsibility of the
first most important point about being in a wheelchair.  However, by the
same token, just because life tells you to slow down, doesn't mean you give
up trying to get back to your comfortable cruising speed.  If ever an
opportunity arises where with the proper exercise, equipment, help and
self-determination one can get out of the wheelchair, all efforts should be 
put towards that endeavor, so long as these efforts do not interfere with 
the most important point.  In fact, the pursuit of the second most
important point could and should be a pursuit of the first most important
point, or else one will feel worse than when pursuing the third most
important point [1].

There are many who would argue that being "confined" to a wheelchair in
some ways actually allows you to go faster than before.  This all depends
upon:

          a) the speed at which you traveled through life prior to being
             in the wheelchair, and
          b) the speed at which you travel once confined to said chair.

Stereotypically "b" is considered to always be slower than "a" but this is
in all actuality only the case about half the time, and depends also on:

          c) the attitude you are in both before and after. 

It does sound corny, but it's entirely up to you.

This Galactic Guide is not intending to leave out those people who are born 
in such a state as to be confined to a wheelchair, or those who for other 
reasons are incapable of even hoping to achieve the second most important 
point.  For those users of wheelchairs, the object should be to concentrate 
on the most important point of being in a wheelchair.  Everything else, 
including being angry at people not in wheelchairs writing long entries in 
Project Galactic Guide about people in wheelchairs, should be irrelevant. 
 
[1] Editor 8:  If this puzzles you, go back to the "Wheelchairs" article
    and read the summary at the end of it. 
%e
*EOA*


%t Wheelchair, Having Fun In A
%n 6R78
%s The First Most Important Point About Being In A Wheelchair
%a Robert Garland  (myst@onramp.net)
%d 19960607
%x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker
%x Wheelchairs
%e
The user of a wheelchair needs to decide for him or herself whether or not
they are going to in fact have fun.  There will be many people not in 
wheelchairs who will try to help make this decision for the user.  They
will try to cheer the user up.  The user will be tempted to punch the
person not in a wheelchair in the face a few times.  This may make the user
feel better for a brief period of time, but in the end it really doesn't do
much good, and the user insures a high probability chance of being hit in
the face by the person not in the wheelchair.  I mean let's face it, they
can run faster than the user can.

So sooner or later, the decision is entirely up to the user in the 
wheelchair.  To those who choose not to have fun, this entire entry really 
doesn't apply.  Chances are the mere fact that an entry about wheelchairs
was included in Project Galactic Guide offended them, and they have not
read this far, so they made that choice and will spend the rest of their
life punching people not in wheelchairs if they get too close and get stuck
in doorways.  There is a responsibility to attend to the first most
important point about being in a wheelchair.  Those who usurp that
responsibility fail to take advantage of the opportunity.  They are also no
fun at parties unless you get them really drunk.

Those who _do_ accept the responsibility and decide to have fun then get to
take the next step towards pursuing the goal of the first most important 
point about being in a wheelchair:  how to go about having fun while
confined to one.

Fortunately, we here at Project Galactic Guide Off-Central have provided
the list below.  There are no doubt other ways to have fun in a wheelchair,
but this is a sampling to get one started.  One does not have to be confined
to a wheelchair in order to try these out.  One does however have to
physically be _in_ a wheelchair, or else it's just cheating.

Here is an incomplete list of ways to have fun in a wheelchair:

          1) Play basketball.
          2) Go to the top of a hill and... let go.
          3) Get all the good parking spaces.
          4) Find a building where it is impossible for you to enter while
             confined to a wheelchair, and notify the authorities.
          5) Get two or more buddies in wheelchairs and have races down
             public walkways.  Talk passers-by into placing bets.
          6) Have sex!!!
          7) Do wheelies!
          8) Go around calling those poor souls who have to travel from
             one place to another utilizing their lower limbs "gimps".
          9) Operate an Ultralite / Go hang-gliding.
         10) Run over people.
         11) Come up with new ways to have fun in a wheelchair which are
             not on this list.
%e
*EOA


*
* End of file:  REAL15.NEW
*


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