* * Archive: REAL16.NEW * * Created on: Tue Mar 28 15:30:11 2000 * * Number of articles: 24 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to * find an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * 6R79-1 Cirque Du Soleil * 6R81-1 Thalys * 6R82-1 Aggressive Giving * 7R7-1 San Jose, California, USA, Earth * 8R58-1 Mobile Phones * 8R59-1 Football, Association * 8R60-1 Communicating With The Dead, A Guide To * 8R61-1 Indian Reservations, USA, Earth * 8R62-1 Bemidji, Minnesota, USA, Earth * 9R11-1 National Gallery, London, The * 6R83-1 Ciao Coffee House, Clinton Township, Michigan, USA, Earth * 6R84-1 Monty Python * 8R63-1 Zzzzz * 8R64-1 Ozarks, The Lake Of The, Missouri, USA, Earth * 8R65-1 Wigs * 8R66-1 X-Files, 20 Things You Need To Know About The * 9R12-1 Examinations, Fifty Ways To Fail * 9R13-1 Hearing Aid, Cheap * 9R14-1 Cheating At Pool * 9R15-1 Red Dwarf * 10R1-1 Justification * 11R1-1 Lobsters, Cooking * 11R2-1 Beef War, The * 12R1-1 Beginning, The * %t Cirque Du Soleil %n 6R79 %s Circus, The Next Generation %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19960605 %i Soleil, Cirque Du * %x Flying Circus * %k Circus, Amusement %e One thing a hitchhiker just _has_ to see when the tour brings it around to his/her vicinity [1] is the Cirque du Soleil. This is something you are sure to have never seen before elsewhere. After the show you always hear the crowd whisper in awe: "_unbelievable_!" Well, what is this Cirque du Soleil (Circus of the Sun) then? Is it comparable to the conventional circus you went to with your parents when you were six, with an arena of sand, trained animals and their odour, glittery suits abound, and clowns with red noses? Only slightly. Before I explain, first a little history. Back in 1984, in Quebec, Canada, a bunch of street artists decided to get together and have a festival. This turned out to be so successful that they decided to stay together under one big top. Because their circus didn't have any roots, they decided to think them up themselves. They consequently succeeded in reinventing the circus. The artists, the "building blocks" of it all, are dedicated to breaking down old ideas and preconceptions and creating an extraterrestrial world (and they succeed!) This circus of the future eventually became a combination of street performance and theater, with homages to more conventional circus. The show I went to, Saltimbanco, showed me that Cirque du Soleil offers a fusion of traditional circus acts [2] with a light show, original rock music, singing, dancing, and acting. Every act is performed by some of the in-house troupe of surrealistically dressed "circus creatures" in a specially designed set. Several other members of the troupe, which effectively is the heart of the show, hang around during the acts to take care of the requisites. At the same time they amuse the audience by dancing, acting, and general clowning around (although not in the traditional sense [3]). Meanwhile, a good beat or a sensitive song [4] is played, and multiple coloured lights are directed towards the scene. The acts themselves, involving for instance tight rope walkers, jugglers, snake people, strong men, and aerial artists, have been perfected and have been given a new dimension in such a way that your jaw actually drops. There is also a very special audience participation, that I won't reveal just now: it is something to experience. There was a remarkable intimacy between the performers and the audience. To catch the feeling of the show I visited, it reminded me in some aspects of the grand opening of the Winter Olympics in France a few years ago. Alien circus acts as described in SF novels also have a similar atmosphere to them. Cirque du Soleil at first glance doesn't seem to be cheap, but after having been there you will agree with me that it was well worth it. Remember, though, to order your tickets well in advance, because the show is absolutely sure to sell out. It is truly the next generation of circus. If you want to read more about them, the circus has its own web site at http://www.cirquedusoleil.com/. Currently they are touring the world with different shows: Quidam (North America, 1996-1998) Alegria (Asia 1996) Saltimbanco (Europe, 1996) Mystere is the show stationed in Las Vegas, USA, where another show will also find its home. Berlin will in several years also have a residence of Cirque du Soleil. [1] It is definitely worth a day's travel. [2] like acrobatics, juggling, etc., but without the animals [3] I haven't seen a red nose anywhere. [4] Don't try to understand the lyrics: you won't succeed. %e *EOA* %t Thalys %n 6R81 %s The High Velocity Train Between Amsterdam And Paris %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19961003 %i TGV Connecting France To The Netherlands %x Amsterdam, Noord-Holland, Netherlands, Earth %x Netherlands, Earth %x Netherlands, Earth, A Native Writes About The %x InterRail And Eurail %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %x Dutch Rail, The Leiden-Utrecht Track %e The Thalys is the red version of the Train a Grande Vitesse (TGV), the French high velocity train [1] which typically cruises at about 300 kilometres an hour. Thalys doesn't reach this speed in the Netherlands and Belgium [2], where the railway tracks are still too bent and crooked to service this train correctly. Still, with respect to the old trains, almost an hour is gained in France, making the transit between Amsterdam and Paris last four hours and three quarters [3]. On the way it stops at: 1) Amsterdam 2) Schiphol Airport 3) The Hague (Den Haag, Hollands Spoor) 4) Rotterdam 5) Antwerp (Antwerpen, Berchem) 6) Brussels 7) Paris (Gare du Nord) A track linking Paris to Koln is being constructed. Inside Thalys it is both more and less comfortable than expected. The seats are much like in airplanes: cramped and with a retractable table. For tall people there is hardly any space for the legs. The seats, however are comfortably soft. There is an (expensive) bar carriage where you can buy drinks and food using either Belgian, French or Dutch currency. About TGVs: the high velocity itself is hardly noticeable. The ride is very smooth and there is hardly any noise [4]. Only by looking outside at objects passing by closely will you notice how fast you are going, and sometimes also pressure on your bottom alerts you to rapid ascents. Important Tips ============== Four trains make this route per day [5], and reservations for the special Thalys tickets [6] are obligatory. The whole one way trip will then cost you 132 guilders, but it is cheaper during weekends and for seniors and children. Also, taking the risk of no refund when you should need to cancel, you can book a return trip (2nd class, of course) for the same amount as a one way ticket! If there are large delays or you are blessed with annoying personnel, you may be able to get some of your money back. [1] The Eurostar, which connects France (Paris) to England (London Waterloo) via the Channel Tunnel, is also a TGV. You may have seen an incorrect version (blue instead of yellow etc.) of it in "Mission Impossible", the movie with Tom Cruise. Or on the news, when a truck caught fire whilst being transported through the channel tunnel, November 1996. Repairs to the tunnel would prevent the train from running for several weeks. [2] OK, so maybe it does go that fast from Antoing, Belgium, big deal. But when more construction work is finished, it can go up to spead 15 km after Brussels. [3] In the nineteenth century, by steam engine, this was 18 hours. After constructing a special track, it should only take three hours and ten minutes for Thalys to conclude a trip. [4] Except if you have noisy passengers, of course. With respect to the background noise, it is easier to sleep here than in a plane. [5] There are also 9 other Thalys trains, which only service between Paris and Brussels. [6] Interrailers only need to pay a supplement of 21 guilders. %e *EOA* %t Aggressive Giving %n 6R82 %s Gifts With Attitude %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960919 %x Aggressive Shopping %x Busker's Arc %x Avoiding Items By Convention %x Easy Living, How To Survive %x Junk Mail, How To Avoid %i Receiving Things You Don't Want %i Philanthropy, Aggressive %i Giving Aggressively %i Gifts You Cannot Refuse %i Taking When You Don't Want To %i Awards You Don't Want %e The giving and receiving of gifts is, as many have observed, a well-founded ritual, whether it is a large party affair, with a large tree, or a small take-the-present-and-run session performed in so much of a hurry that you wonder if you're doing the right thing [1]. It is fair to say that many people, when presented with something new they don't have to pay for, will be quite happy to receive. However, if they do not desire the item in question, and perhaps to an extreme, it is possible that they will forgo the usual "thank-you"s, and move straight into rejection territory. Phrases such as, "I didn't want that one," and, "It's a pile of junk," are commonplace in these situations. Of course, dislike is not always the reason for rejecting a gift. Other reasons include: concern for the "giver", as they may not really have the resources to make such an offer; rejection of the "giver" because you dislike them personally for whatever reason; or a lack of space with which to store the item in question [2]. The real problem, of course, comes when you are given a gift you must refuse, for whatever reason, and are unable to do so, because the "giver" is reluctant to allow it. They may also become violent before you, or they, must finally concede defeat. This is very common with the domestic cat, who will happily bring a dead bird [3] into your house, and attempt to award it to you. After numerous attempts to reject this gift, you will either be forced to accept it, and get rid of it as quickly as possible [4], or confine the cat to the outside until you can convince it that there's more fun in something else. This is, by no means confined to pets, however. Another common area are family relations, who will have learned at some point that politeness dictates "never take without refusing first", and the follow-up, which is the "reiterated offer". Sometimes, two people will manage to end up in a loop, which will disintegrate into a full-scale argument, until the "giver" will eventually say something alone the lines of, "I don't see why I should give anything to you anyway." Perhaps this is victory, but you have to ask yourself if it was worth all the trouble. Maybe it's just simpler to say, "yes" sometimes. [1] So many things are done in a hurry when you're pretty sure you're not doing the right thing. This is usually because once something has been done, it cannot be undone, which leads to the "it's too late now," train of thought. It is actually a most effective way of setting things in motion that you wouldn't want to do in a million years. [2] Though this can be common, there are still many people who would still gladly receive a new fridge-freezer, even though they know it's a case of storing it on the most inappropriate, and unusable, place. [3] Bird, fish, mouse, or basically whatever they can find. The other thing to note is that it's not necessarily going to be dead, because cats prefer their prey to move; it's more fun that way. [4] Okay, you please yourself, but most people are not going to keep them. %e *EOA* %t San Jose, California, USA, Earth %n 7R7 %s Do _You_ Know The Way? %a Chris Tann, The (c-tann@ca.es2.com) %d 19960606 * %x Silicon Valley (doesn't exist) %x Stairs, Travelling * The above article has a whole paragraph on the Winchester Mystery House %e This sprawling, not-quite coastal city was once made famous by the dulcet tones of.... Well, I can't remember who actually sang it, but everybody knows the song, "Do you know the way to San Jose?" (La la la la-la, la la, la laaa la.) Well, people think they know it anyway -- I bet you can't actually remember more than the first two lines. Now, why anyone would want to know the way there is somewhat of a mystery. Notable only for the higher-than-normal percentage of people with pocket protectors in the population, San Jose is similar to Los Angeles in its sprawl, but lacks the exciting bits like Disneyland and a high crime rate. Yes, this is the place where Messrs. Hewlett and Packard started inventing computers in their garages, probably because there was bugger-all else to do. If you should find yourself caught short in San Jose - on a geeky business trip or some such - here are a few facts to help you cope: Population: Around one million - roughly 40% Hispanic, 40% Asiatic, and 40% Geek [1]. Transport: Despite the existence of a clean and reliable public transport system, most people rely on cars to get around. Unfortunately, most of them try to do it at the same time, which is rather a pity for those of us that don't enjoy drowning in exhaust fumes for an hour on the way to work. Sights: Hmm, tricky one this. If you're not keen on over-passes, then there's not an awful lot here for you. If you must go look at something, try the "Winchester Mystery House." Best Bar: "San Jose Live," right in the middle of downtown San Jose. Perhaps the biggest bar in existence, here you can find everything from disco to piano bar, pool and pinball, with a good (over)dose of TVs showing sports. Oh, and lots of wiggling bar-persons wearing tight/short skirts and/or shorts. Worst Bar: "O'sheas," a seedy little ex-Irish pub, on Union Avenue near Blossom Hill. Good beer, cheap vinyl seats and a neo-unimaginative decor somehow give this bar a charm that it doesn't seem to deserve. Try it! Exchange Most people use US dollars, although geeks often start rate: conversations with "So how are your shares doing?" So, next time the "Do you know the way..." song starts up, you can reply with confidence "Sure, head south down 101 from San Francisco, get off at Brokaw, and you can't miss it!" [1] Real geeks don't need statistics. %e *EOA* %t Mobile Phones %n 8R58 %s Walkie Talkie %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19961125 %x Telephones %x Telephone Bills %x Telecommunications, Article II %x Wrong Telephone Numbers %x Personal Stereos %x Modems %x Telemarketers, How To Hassle And Deal With %x Fashion %x Answer Phones %x Avoiding Conversations %x Ineffective Methods Of Promoting Silence %i Talking On The Move %i Communication, Mobile %i Phones, Mobile %i Telephones, Mobile %i Cellular Phones %e Mobile, or cellular, phones are telephones that can be carried around anywhere, as they require no physical connection to any external wires to work [1]. Communication is enabled by a transmitting and receiving aerial that can be extended or retracted from the unit itself. This means that theoretically, it can be used absolutely everywhere. This, however, is not currently the case. Many companies boast that they can achieve a massive "95% coverage", which means that in 5% of the relevant country, the phone will totally fail to do its job, while in the rest, you have a good chance that it will be perfectly okay. This is merely listed as a "good chance" because other factors may render the unit less effective, and this 95% will undoubtedly include a high percentage of "fuzzy areas" where calls are possible, but for all your intended co-conversationalist knows, you are a space alien with a bad head cold. Where Do People Use Them? ========================= In recent times, many people have begun to use these phones in public, taking them everywhere they go: down the road, on the train, in the car, and even wherever there might already be a telephone. The sight of these people walking along, or perhaps sitting, holding a medium-sized piece of plastic to their ear, while they talk away seemingly to themselves, has led some people to believe that the alien invasion has in fact begun, and perhaps this can explain these aforementioned "fuzzy areas". Of course, mobile phone usage is not confined to the outside world of the public environment! It can be, and also has been, used to good (and bad) effect in private. The reasons for this are unclear, because it is usually far easier to obtain a standard telephone, and use that instead, but some people will use the mobile anyway. Why Do People Use Them? ======================= The biggest attraction of some mobile phones can be the fact that many are now "sold" at amazingly low prices, examples of which are between 4.99 and 14.99 pounds [2], and sometimes even lower. The reasons for this are not immediately obvious, unless your eyesight is certifiably amazing, and you can therefore read the tiny "small print" that appears on the adverts, documentation, and various other associated literature. The first of the pitfalls comes with the cost of "line rental", and/or the initial "connection fee". This is likely to be a sizable amount, and an easy way of reclaiming the actual cost of the phone, which is likely to be around 150 pounds [3]. It is something that the telephone manufacturers and telecommunications operators [4] will be very pushy to reclaim, generally to the point where even buying the phone will commit you to paying this "line rental" for between one and two years, whether you want it or not. These contracts are not generally negotiable, and the balance of them will usually be payable even if you decide to cancel your contract before then. However, in practice, this is exactly because your contract will state that you are unable to do so. Also, the call charges are likely to be much higher than standard phones. This is another way that money can be reclaimed, and also a way in which massive profits can be amassed. It explains why some mobile phone company executives can spend large amounts of time on extraordinary long lunch-holidays. The actual outgoing call-rate is likely to be more than double, and perhaps even more than four times, the rate you would expect to pay normally. Added to which, anybody who wishes to phone _you_, when you are on a mobile phone, can expect premium rate charges, which can be up to (and above) twenty times standard call charges. It is sometimes also the case that you may also have to pay for incoming calls. This still applies even if you take the unusual, and stupid, action of placing a call to somebody's mobile phone when you know it is in the same immediate locality, and perhaps the same room, as yourself. It is also accepted, however, that there are currently situations where a mobile phone is impractical, and that people in those positions may, or may not, decide not to take them. Examples of this are the 5% areas mentioned above; the other percentage of the globe that most telecommunications companies won't cover, ie. the sea; and heavily shielded areas in which the required signals will be unable to arrive or depart. Who Are The People Who Use Them? ================================ Generally, the type of people who will use these phones is widely variable, and cannot be confined to any particular group. It has become a universal symbol of the freedom to communicate, and "being in there where it is"-ness, and in some quarters, the essential fashion accessory. Problems ======== There are, of course, further problems that have recently been associated with mobile phone usage. Chief among these is the medical issue which states that prolonged usage of mobile phones can open you to a high risk of cancer in the brain, and you are therefore encouraged to vary the ear you use to place the phone against. Also, one of the recently privatised train companies in the UK has banned the use of mobile phones [5] from certain carriages at certain times of the day. This has apparently been done to appease a number of passengers who have complained about the noise of one person talking to another, albeit one that they can't see or hear. On this argument, it is only a matter of time, perhaps, before they ban speaking on these trains entirely. The Future ========== It is doubtlessly the case that many of the uses that standard telephone lines now have, will continue to expand into the realms of the mobile phone medium. Already it is possible to obtain mobile phone modems and mobile faxes, which provide you with a virtual travelling office and communications base, which could prove invaluable in the coming years. Conclusion ========== Yes, mobile phones are undoubtedly very useful indeed! Although the downsides are very discouraging for some people who may otherwise have acquired one by this point. It is likely that, in future times, prices will fall, and popularity will grow, as they become a much larger part of life, and something that many more people will be unable to live without [7]. Of course, once the world is mobile-phone-based, you will never be able to avoid that inevitable wrong number, those pesky little telephone salespersons, or in general, the sad truth that you will never ever be able to get away from the ever increasing hustle and bustle of life and that on-and-on ring-ring-ringing. [1] Unless you count the fact that you may have to recharge them once in a while. [2] Prices in UK Pounds. These two currently equate to around 7.50 and 22.50 US Dollars and respectively, working on an exchange rate of about 1 UK Pound to 1.50 US Dollars. This has the tendency to fluctuate, and is probably closer to 1 Pound to 1.65 Dollars right now. Please check with your local bank, or "Bureau de change." [3] About 225 US Dollars. [4] One and the same, usually. [5] And personal stereos, though strangely for the same reason [6]. [6] Don't ask me. [7] Many people use this expression, but usually for the wrong reasons. The mere notion that someone might be unable to live without a certain brand of washing powder, is laughable in the extreme. %e *EOA* %t Football, Association %n 8R59 %s One Round Ball, Two Teams, In A Game Of Two Halves %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19961125 %i Association Football %i Soccer %i Game Of Two Halves, A %x Hostage Situations %e Football, also known in America as Soccer [1], was developed into a professional game in the 19th century after previously consisting of a rather ruleless battle between neighbouring villages, where the two teams comprised of as many people as they could find, and the idea was to kick the ball from one village to another. It was considered at this point as a violent game, as there were no noticeable rules, and a fair number of casualties [2]. As the game developed, it was played in many schools, and at the end of the 19th century, a league was formed in England, which consisted of several teams from up and down the nation. The league then expanded, taking in more and more teams, and growing to contain miniature leagues (known as divisions), the top four of which are regarded as the most important. Similar leagues subsequently developed in other countries, also. With the advent of professionalism and the fact that the game had become more widespread and much more organised, the rules were making it a much safer game. However, dangerous elements still remained, which can be seen from the number of injuries that a player can develop during their career (or even in one year). The most serious of these are broken legs, torn ligaments, and in a couple of extreme cases, players have actually died [3]. Another result of professionalism was the fact that players were then able to be paid for services, and commercialism began to creep in. Some of the top players can now expect to be paid around 10,000 UK Pounds (or roughly 15,000 US Dollars) a week for their services, which usually consist of one or two matches a week, and a couple of training sessions. Transfer fees are also large, and one club might expect to pay upwards of 3 million UK Pounds (4.5 million US Dollars) for a "decent" player. So far, the highest fee that has been paid, was 15 million UK Pounds (22.5 million US Dollars). Some say, and rightly so, that the whole situation has got thoroughly out of hand. The game is played on a large rectangular field, with one goal at each end, using a leather air-filled [4], head-sized, spherical ball. The field (or "pitch") is divided into two halves, where one team starts in one half and the second team in the other. Each team consists of 11 players, one of which must be a "goalkeeper", who is the only player allowed to handle the ball (and then they must only do so within their "penalty area" which is a small rectangle in front of their own goal, which is in their team's half of the pitch). The match is played within the pitch, and if the ball travels beyond its boundaries, the game has to stop, and the team who last touched the ball will have to concede posession. It is then resumed by: 1) a throw, if the ball left the field at the side of the pitch; 2) a corner,if the ball left the field at the teams own end; 3) a goal-kick, if the ball left the field at the opposing team's end; or 4) a goal,if the ball entered either goal. It is played over an initial 45 minutes, which is followed by a short break, and concluded by another 45 minutes. In certain games where a draw is not acceptable, they may have to play another 30 minutes in total, which can be followed by a "penalty shoot out" [5]. New rules in some tournaments dictate that the 30 minutes "extra time" will be terminated if one team scores a goal, which will make them winners. This has therefore been referred to in some quarters as the "Golden Goal." A goal is scored when the ball goes [6] into (in between the two posts and under the cross-bar) one goal or the other. It can, however, be disallowed if the referee observes that the rules have been breached. Such transgressions include: 1) a member of the attacking team having handled the ball; 2) a member of the attacking team having committed a foul [7] on a member of the defending team; 3) the ball having already gone "out of play" (off the field of play); or 4) an "offside" [8] having been noted. Many tournaments have been, and still are, played between countries from all over the world. Indeed, there are very few, if any, countries that don't have a team of their own. Every four years, the top group of these play in the "World Cup". To qualify in this "top group", they must have won through smaller "tournaments" against teams from the same "regions" (Europe, America, Asia, Africa etc.) The "hosts" for the tournament qualify automatically. The hosts/winners (year) from the past four tournaments were: * USA/Brasil (1994) * Italy/Germany (1990) * Mexico/Argentina (1986) * Spain/Italy (1982) The next tournament is to be held in France in 1998. As this is not a particularly frequent tournament, the "European Championships" are played two years afterwards (which generally falls on every leap year). Unlike the World Cup, this tournament only consists of European sides, which makes it less important to the eyes of the world as a whole, but nevertheless, important to the countries taking part. It must be noted that regions that are not involved with this, will have their own tournaments at the same time. The hosts/winners (year) from the past four tournaments were: * England/Germany (1996) * Sweden/Denmark (1992) * Germany/Netherlands (1988) * France/France (1984) The hosts of the next tournament in 2000 are Belgium and the Netherlands. This game is not to be confused with Rugby (Union and League) Football, (American) Football, (Australian Rules) Football, which all incomprehensively involve rather less contact of the foot and the ball, and are, quite unnervingly, apparently very similar. Finally, this game can also be played indoors (as "Five-a-side") for which the rules are a little different, but follow the same basic pattern. [1] Where they have their own game called Football, which is totally different. [2] In some leagues, some might claim that very little has changed. The primary examples of these can be found in "Sunday league" matches, where amateur players will knock seven bells out of each other before going off down the pub to get drunk, or perhaps to prevent themselves from becoming sober. [3] This is very rare indeed. One of the most notable occasions is when one played managed to bury his boot-studs in the head of another player. [4] Not solid stone, as you might imagine after being hit by one at speed. [5] Each team initially has five penalties, and the one who scores the most, wins. If neither is the winner, then each will take one penalty until one scores and the other misses. [6] Kicked, headed, deflected [9]. [7] Kicking an opposing player, obstructing an opposing player, [8] An "Off-side" is when a member of the attacking team has passed the ball to a colleague who was in the opposing half, and has passed every player other than, or even including, the opposing goalkeeper when the pass is made. [9] Editor's note: and in one occasion, which involved Argentinian player Maradona, by the "hand of God". %e *EOA* %t Communicating With The Dead, A Guide To %n 8R60 %s It's Good To Talk %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19961125 %i Guide To Communicating With The Dead, A %i Dead People, Communicating With %x Death And The Afterlife %x Death, Flirting And %x Life After Death %x Afterlife %x Mobile Phones %x Classification Of Religions %e Communicating with the dead requires the careful completion of three distinct stages: establishing of a post-mortality state; the methods you might use to send an initial message; and the ways in which you might interpret a response. Establishing Post-Mortality State ================================= First, you must establish that the person [1] is in fact not alive. This can be achieved in a number of ways, but the following six-step plan is usually very effective: 1) Ask them for the time. 2) Shout at them, and see if they respond. Try asking if they are dead. 3) Dial their mobile phone number [2], and wait for an answer. 4) Check the obituary column in the newspaper, and see if they're mentioned. 5) Check the graveyard for their tomb stone. 6) Medically assess the situation by checking for a pulse. If they have a pulse, they are likely to be alive, but if they are still unconscious, check for any valid medical insurance documentation on their person; failure to find this could mean that this is only temporary. Methodology =========== Once you have established that they are no longer in the land of the living, you have several ways in which you might set about getting a message to them. 1) Whisper; you might move your mouth close [3] to their ear, and talk to them. 2) Morse Code; simple, as long as they understand Morse code. 3) Religion; go to your local church, and ask them to relay a message. 4) A Medium; ask one of these to pass the message on. Interpreting Responses ====================== 1) Individual; it may be up to you alone to interpret the response, which may come in one of many forms. Trust in yourself and your own knowledge, even if you do not possess any. 2) Religion; the response is likely to have a religious connotation, and may contain the words "thy" or "lord". a) "Good" Religions, ie. those with the word "good" used favourably; the words may encourage you to perform some charitably act, such as give away all your money to your local church. Trust in their motives. b) "Bad" Religions, ie. those with the word "bad" used favourably; the words may encourage you to perform some vile and deplorable act, such as ritually sacrifice all of your friends. Trust in their motives. 3) A Medium; likely to be a positive response, encouraging you to be forever indebted to the "translator", and very willing to return, and to pay whatever fee they see appropriate. Trust in their motives. On the whole, it is always better to do the job yourself, so at least you know exactly what went on. You may find, however, that the response you get is very brief, or non-existent, in which case, you will have very little to show for your efforts. Conclusion ========== Is there really any point? [1] Ex-person, dead person, former person; the point is that the person is not alive. [2] If they have one. If not, you may improvise if necessary. Failing that, just try shouting at them again. [3] Not _too_ close. %e *EOA* %t Indian Reservations, USA, Earth %n 8R61 %s No People From India Here %a Matt A. Moyle (mamoyle@vax1.bemidji.msus.edu) %d 19960320 %x Leif, Miss Universe, And Everything %e Indian Reservations are noteworthy for two reasons. First, the people who live in them are neither from India, nor the East Indies, nor the West Indies, nor even from Indiana. The name comes about because Christopher Columbus foolishly thought he had landed in India when he landed in North America so many years ago. The fact that the name has stuck reflects the almost Vogon-like stubbornness of what became the American people. Second, when these Americans expanded westward and northward, they decided, as a repayment to Native Americans for giving them clever names for their cities, to take their land away. When someone cried foul, the settlers pointed to some land "over there" that the Native Americans could feel free to use. The threat of the U.S. Cavalry led the Native Americans to comply. Unfortunately, the reservation lands were suitable neither for the Native Americans' traditional pursuits such as hunting or fishing, nor for European pursuits, such as agriculture. The people languished for a hundred years or so, until finally, near the end of the twentieth century, some court rulings allowed them to open gambling casinos on their land, thus sharing a monopoly on legalized gambling with the government (lotteries and the like) and horse racing establishments. These casinos, of course, have proven immensely popular among Americans wishing to lose money (and there is never a shortage of those). %e *EOA* %t Bemidji, Minnesota, USA, Earth %n 8R62 %s A Very Cold Place To Be %a Matt A. Moyle (mamoyle@vax1.bemidji.msus.edu) %d 19960320 %x Earth %x Leif, Miss Universe, And Everything %x Weather And Your Health %x Canada, Earth %x New Orleans, Louisiana, USA, Earth %x Pizza %x Pizza Ordering %x Delivered Pizza %x London, England, UK, Earth %x Indian Reservations, USA, Earth %e Bemidji, a very cold place, is located in the northwestern part of Minnesota, which is located in the North Central portion of the United States, which are located in the Northern and Western Hemispheres (depending, of course, on your frame of reference) of the Earth, which is located, well, read the article on the Earth if you're still lost. It is, to be more precise, roughly halfway between Minneapolis, MN, USA, and Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, the only significant cultural centers in this desolate part of the Earth. Bimidji is located within 30 miles of the Chippewa National Forest, numerous state forests, and three "Indian Reservations". It is also noteworthy for being the "First City on the Mississippi River," and thus perhaps the only place where the water from said river is in any way safe to drink. The fact that such major population centers as Minneapolis, St. Louis, and New Orleans draw their drinking water from the river after it has been polluted beyond belief (from among other things the Bemidji wastewater treatment facility) is much too disturbing a topic to be covered here. The city's name comes from the lake it is situated next to. Not a terribly creative choice, but a reasonable one nonetheless. The name of the lake comes from a Native American word meaning "Lake with water running through it" or something (due to the Mississippi flowing in and out of the lake), although many prominent Native Americans of the area now insist that it means no such thing. They insist that the settlers of the area were really dumb and couldn't understand what they were saying, which is probably true. The city reports a population of approximately 11,000. However, the city is unique in that it is transient groups of people that provide the city with its economic livelihood: Bemidji State University brings in 5,000 students [1], and when school is out, hordes of tourists come and take their place, drawn to the pristine natural beauty of the area, and the chance to drink clean water from the Mississippi. Due to these two factors, there seem to be a higher number of pizza joints around per capita than one might expect. This chronicler has (not very) carefully counted 8 of them, ranging from the reasonable to the horrid. There are the typical chain outfits, which will these days not only sell you pizza but also buffalo wings, so named because they are really wings of chickens (animals that bear no resemblance to buffalo at all) smothered in a sauce. This sauce also bears no resemblance to buffalo, except that if you go to the wrong pizza joint, it can kill you. Also, there are more local places, the best of these being Dave's, the cheapest Giovanni's and the worst Mario's. Avoid Mario's at all costs. Other good places for a hitchhiker to eat without immediately collapsing from cholesterol poisoning include... well, there aren't a lot really. Either it's fast food or it's outside budget constraints. The Chinese place isn't too bad. Desperate travelers may consider sneaking into the dining hall at the University. However, you are hereby warned, the buffalo wings are better for your health and general sanity. Accommodations are plentiful in the winter months, and there are amenities for even the budget traveler. However, the die-hard hitchhiker would be wise to seek accommodation via other venues. The easiest way is to go to a college party (these happen every night), get badly drunk, and start flirting with every possible member of the opposite sex until someone takes you home with them. If your body structure is such that you are not likely to be attractive even to a badly drunk member of the opposite sex, then simply stay drunk until the end of the party (hypothetically speaking anyway) and then go and sleep it off at a 24-hour restaurant. They will not mind, as long as you order a muffin and/or a cup of coffee every 2 to 3 hours. In the summer months, it can be quite pleasant to sleep in a park, or even on someone's lawn. However, if you try this in the winter, you may not wake up again. It gets very very cold. If you think London is cold when it is locked in its rainy-chilly-windy periods, well, think colder. We're talking cold enough to make Swedes and Finns go for the extra jacket. Around mid-January, there is always a week or two when the temperatures don't rise above zero (Fahrenheit) at all. As this chronicler writes this piece on a late January night the mercury is hovering at a not-so-balmy minus 36. This can only be described as effing cold. Being outside for more than 15 minutes would do very nasty things to your body parts. 'Nuff said. Despite all this nasty cold weather, Bemidji really is a nice place to visit in the winter because of the natural beauty. It is situated near many large tracts of evergreen trees which are unmistakably beautiful under the weight of freshly fallen snow. In fact, nearly everything seems to become more pretty under the weight of freshly fallen snow, except for the roads, which just get slippery, and cause accidents. Spring is messy, all the freshly fallen snow turning to old, crusty, messy snow, that persists just enough to make consistent puddles from March to May. Fall is dreary, rainy and grey, although the fall colors are quite nice at times. I'm told that some people like fall, but I am not one of them. Summer is nice, warm, and mostly pleasant. There is a tremendous lack of reasonable coffee houses. There is but one, and while it is a fine example of its genre, there simply should be more. Investors are urged to give me lots of money so that I can go to coffee-house-running school and start a couple of them. So anyway, come see Bemidji. It's a nice place, and if you get sick of it, you can always go to Winnipeg, where they speak a little French (or, I should say, they speak a lot of French in a little area), or Minneapolis, where they have a veritable plethora of coffee houses. [1] Those who would question the economic value of students because they are perpetually broke are invited to consider how those students become broke in the first place. %e *EOA* %t National Gallery, London, The %n 9R11 %s The Nation's Pictures Permanently On Display %a Alex McLintock (alex@arcfan.demon.co.uk) %d 19961128 %x London, England, UK, Earth %x Rocky Horror Picture Show At The Prince Charles Cinema %x Moon, The %i Gallery, National, London %e A lot of Londoners consider London to be the centre of the cultural world. This is hardly surprising since we have so many institutions to prove it. One such institution is the National Gallery. This building holds over one thousand paintings from the world's greatest artists, painted over the last seven centuries. To find the National Gallery, first aim for Trafalgar Square. This shouldn't be hard, as any visitor to London should have quickly determined its location as the best place to get a Night Bus. If you haven't been there before, it is the one with the fountains and the post in the middle [1]. Depending on the time of year, it may also have a large Christmas tree in it. The National Gallery is the large building on the North side, with "National Gallery" written on it in letters big enough to be seen from the moon [2]. The Gallery itself is split up into some seventy odd rooms, each with a particular topic or period. These rooms are collected into four wings: 1) West Wing. Paintings from 1510 to 1600. 2) North Wing. Paintings from 1600 to 1700. 3) East Wing. Paintings from 1700 to 1920. 4) Sainsbury Wing. Paintings from 1260 to 1510. No, "Sainsbury" isn't some kind of cockney rhyming slang for "south". The Sainsbury Wing is a new building on the far west side of the west wing. Expect to need two or three trips to even cover the whole gallery, and make sure that you arrange a place and time to meet with friends, as you are guaranteed to be split up and lose each other. This landmark of London is highly recommended, not least because it is both free and open on Sunday. [1] The "Post" in Trafalgar Square is my sister's name for it. Those in the know, call it "Nelson's Column". [2] This is a slight exaggeration. %e *EOA* %t Ciao Coffee House, Clinton Township, Michigan, USA, Earth %n 6R83 %s Best Lil Coffee House This Side Of The Other Side %a Avery Lewis (not available on internet) * Formerly (Minip@Industry-dm.com) %d 19960103 %x Coffee %x Jolt Cola %x Michigan, USA, Earth %x Earth %e There is a small coffee house, by the name of Ciao in the town of Clinton Township, MI. This is one of the best places to go if you are a hitchhiker in dire need of that life-giving drug _caffeine_ [1]. Ciao is located at 17 1/2 mile [2] and Garfield road. The man who owns Ciao is Fat Sal [3,4]. The people there (i.e. Sal) are very fluent in Italian. And frequently have annoying Italian music playing, and, even more frequently, annoying Italian movies. Also, do not be surprised if they speak to each other in, yes, you guessed it, Italian. And, yes, they do have a killer cup of cappucino. For maximum effect, go two doors down in the mini-mall to Bernie's Party Store and buy a big bottle of Jolt. This will keep you up for longer than you think, and enable you to search for more rides. [1] Also a very good place to go if you are a student of any sort looking to face the heinous torture of _finals_! (Shudder) [2] For those of you not living in Michigan or Washington DC, a mile road is a (yes) road that encircles a given point (in this case Detroit) at every mile mark. Thus, 16 mile road is 16 miles away from Detroit. Very helpful actually [5]. [3] If you ever see him, you'll know why. [4] Do _not_! I repeat, do _not_ call him this to his face! [5] Editor 8: As was this explanation. However, the consequence of Detroit being a city that is 1/3 mile across, has changed my perspective of the USA tremendously. %e *EOA* %t Monty Python %n 6R84 %s Background Information On The World Famous TV Show %a James Crook (james.crook@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19970126 %i British Humour: Monty Python %e Background ========== In 1969 a team of writers merged to become the entity and persona known as "Monty Python". Graham Chapman [1], John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones and Michael Palin had all worked for BBC (British Broadcasting Corp.) before in various capacities. John Cleese had worked on a show called "The Frost Report" and with Graham Chapman he co-wrote "At Last, the 1948 Show". Terry Jones, Michael Palin, Eric Idle and Terry Gilliam had been working on a show called "Do Not Adjust Your Set". With the help of the BBC's script editor and head of comedy the two groups merged and were thrown straight into a series without a pilot for a run of 13 shows. The show's title "Monty Python's Flying Circus" was derived from the BBC's initial idea of "John Cleese's Flying Circus". John did not want the show to revolve around him and as a result he suggested "Python" and Eric Idle suggested "Monty". The Shows ========= In total there were four series of "Monty Python" containing 45 shows. By the start of series 4 however John Cleese had left the group to work on his own projects with his wife Connie Booth. The shows (for anyone who has not seen them) were mainly a mix of zany madcap humour, satire and school boy pranks and jokes. Memorable sketches include "Spam Sketch", "Nudge, Nudge", "Upper Class Twit Of The Year" and the unforgettable "Parrot Sketch". The main "theme" that the shows revolved around was that there should be no beginning or end to the sketches but more of a stream of consciousness instead. The Pythons inherited this idea from a show which Spike Milligan did called "Q5" in which the same sort of idea was expressed. Writing The Shows ================= The MP team soon had their own writing styles and groups. John Cleese would write with Graham Chapman and often create surreal humour. Terry Jones and Michael Palin (like John and Graham) kept their old writing partnership and Eric Idle wrote on his own, normally a witty verbal sketch. Terry Gilliam was not involved with writing the shows as such but instead provided animations for the shows. According to John Cleese there were a lot of "Artistic Fights" within the group over the show's content and now and again furniture would be thrown and people would storm out of the room. This was probably the main disadvantage with having five writers all battling for the biggest ego. The Films ========= There were three films made by the Monty Python team and they proved to be big successes on both sides of the Atlantic and at least one of the films created a huge uproar of complaint. The first film was called "Monty Python And The Holy Grail" and was a basic parody of King Arthur and his knights of the round table. "The Holy Grail" was an instant success on both sides of the Atlantic in 1975 despite the fact that the budget was limited. The second film was called "Monty Python's Life Of Brian" and was about a character that lived in the same period as Jesus Christ. It caused great uproar in the church and was marked as being an attack at religion. The film was banned in some southern states in America and for a time banned in the UK from being shown on TV. The final Monty Python film (although members of the group did make other films together) was called "The Meaning of Life". The basic idea behind this film was to follow the stages of life from birth to death in a series of sketches rather than a continuous flowing film with the same characters. Appearances from Simon Jones (who played Arthur Dent in the Hitch Hiker series) were featured as well as more appearances by Terry Gilliam. [1] Sadly Graham Chapman passed away on October 4th, 1989, the day before the 20th anniversary of the first Python broadcast. %e *EOA* %t Zzzzz %n 8R63 %s What A Cliched Little Snooze %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19961216 %x Insomnia %x Sleep %i Sleep, Cliched %i Noises In The Night %p 8R63_1.gif An Example Illustration %e One of the most common cliches to have arisen over the years is the customary "Zzzzz" which is used to represent a sleeping person. It is very hard to see how this originally came into place, as there are very few, if any, people that actually make this noise when they are dozing, unless they are subconsciously attempting to conform to a stereotypical snooze. It is possible that "Zzzzz" is an attempt to indicate that the relevant person is snoring. This sounds logical until you realise that to make that noise when snoring implies a severe medical problem that should be corrected [1] immediately. Most probably it is merely an attempt to imply sleep using something with absolutely no connection to sleeping whatsoever, and, one might even suggest, with the real world. This seems the most likely possible explanation. The conclusion you can draw from this is: if you hear someone making this noise while apparently asleep, they are obviously faking it. [1] Given its apparent nature, there may not (yet) actually _be_ a cure. %e *EOA* %t Ozarks, The Lake Of The, Missouri, USA, Earth %n 8R64 %s How To Have Fun Here %a Matt Baier (Geiiga42@aol.com) %d 19960708 %x Kansas City, Missouri, USA, Earth %x Chess %i Central Missouri %e If you are ever in Missouri, a froody place to go is the Lake of the Ozarks. It is in central Missouri, a three hour drive from Kansas City, and if you're very daring, you might try the three hour fifteen minute drive from St. Louis. If you're from any of the planets where there is no sarcasm, you may actually think that there is a difference in the drive. There's not, other than the St. Louis drive is slightly longer and flatter. If you have a pilot's license and a small plane, you may try to land at Warrensburg airport, which is an hour away from the lake and also not near a car rental place, so I don't recommend it. The Lake of the Ozarks is unique in that, unlike the Kansas lakes of the same type, it is actually big enough to see on a state map. There is some long story about its creation which basically says that it was built in the thirties by some guys with too much time on their hands. The Lake of the Ozarks is considered by many to be a hoopy place to hang about. This is one of the major problems with this area. If you venture into this land, you are considered a "weekender", and will thus be barred from polite society. The term "weekender" is wrought from the usual days that people crowd the lake, but it applies to any visitor, regardless of the day they visit. Having Fun ========== This is the best part. It is impossible to have more fun in the Midwest with a hitchhiker's budget. One of the best ways to have fun is to make friends with a local who has an ocean liner. The best way to do this is to hang about any shore of the lake with rather large houses. They are basically friendly people who can withstand any story, no matter how mind-bogglingly dull it happens to be. Another free way to have fun is to go to Party Cove. This cove is notorious for two-day parties every week. It is closed and moved every time the Ozarkian mafia, or the Four Seasons, wants to sell adjacent real estate, but any local or "Generation X"-er can tell you where it is. If you are slightly more well to do, you might try one of the go-cart tracks. The best way to find a go-cart track is to walk for ten minutes in any direction. If you are one of those people who hitchhike from a sense of adventure rather than out of necessity, and are also quite wealthy, I recommend jet-ski rentals. These are slightly less expensive by the hour than go-carts, but you must rent the jet-skis for at least an hour, which will set you back $35. Food ==== If you are a healthy hitchhiker, you will eventually notice that you are hungry. If you are in this situation, I can only talk about good restaurants, as anything else will likely make you sick. The best Mexican restaurant in the known universe is Tres Hombres. It has two easy to find locations, but they are not so easy to find that I'd remember where they were. For directions on getting directions, see below. If you are appalled by the sight of freshly killed peppers, you should go to Ozark Barbecue. They have very good barbecued ribs, and a dock to accommodate the boat-going members of the lake. If you need to go to a bar, which is unlikely since Party Cove is like a bar and much cheaper, with more hoopy stuff going on, you should go to Chances 'R' or Shooters 21. Chances 'R' is extremely good, especially if you want to see the big game/race/event on a tiny screen, and I've heard that Shooters 21 is excellent as well. Fitting In ========== Fitting in at the lake is one of the easier things in life. Actually, it is more like beating Bobby Fisher in chess. For those of you that don't fit in anywhere, here are some tips. First, and this is a hard part, never wear shoes. Shoes mean that your feet are too tender to handle the gravel and rocks that are inevitable in the Ozarks. Men must never wear shirts, and women must wear either a swimming suit or a tank top. Leaving ======= Once you get there, you may note that purse snatchings are so rare that they make good news stories. This means that people are more trusting than in other parts of the country, and hitchhiking to another area of the country is much easier. For best results, I recommend going to any highway on a Sunday evening or Monday morning, and sticking your thumb out. If there is rain on the road, be wary of those who like to see how much water their tires can move. Getting Directions ================== Another thing you may notice is that there are very few street names. This means that if you decide to ask for directions, give the person a piece of paper and ask them to write it down. This is because the major street is called TT. There are streets going off that street towards the lake with names like TT-50. It is more or less a maze of roads, and the only real way to know how to get around is to stay there for a month and study the streets. Conclusion ========== The Lake of the Ozarks is a hoopy place for any hitchhiker to go. Besides a few drawbacks, it is a definite must for anyone who wants to say they've seen froody stuff. %e *EOA* %t Wigs %n 8R65 %s You Hair What You Hair %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19961210 %i Hair Pieces %i Replacement Hair %i Substitute Hair %i Hair Substitute %i Fake Hair %i Toupees %x Justification %e There are several uses for a modern wig, or hair piece, which are as follows: 1) To cover a small bald patch 2) To cover a large bald patch 3) To cover a completely bald head 4) To make you look different To take the last of these, this is mainly for people who wish to have a certain type of hair, but who unfortunately have a certain _other_ type of hair. This can apply for instance to people who have short hair, but want long hair for a short period without any of the inherent problems, or to people who have one colour of hair, say brown, and wish to have another, say green, for an equally short time. Points 1, 2 and 3 can all work in a similar way to 4, but also have their own implications and inspiration. Primarily, someone who wears a wig doesn't want anyone to know that they don't have any hair underneath it. This is by no means unreasonable. What is unreasonable is that they expect people to believe that they have a complete head of hair when it's obvious they don't, because the last remains of natural hair have a totally different colour to the wig [1]. Chances are that if you wear a wig, you are sensitive about hair loss. This is quite a reasonable feeling to have, but the acquisition of a wig is probably not the best answer; it is sometimes less painful just to live with it, and stop trying to hide it from people [2]. Try not to feel bad about it [3]. There are many jokes told about people with wigs, more specifically, about the amusing fact that their appearance is not totally dissimilar to that of a dead rat or another small furry animal. This is not an excuse to wear a rat on your head, unless you are prepared to justify this to your colleagues. It is possible for a wig to be made of real hair, though this isn't, I believe, very common these days. At the moment, most wigs are made from synthetic substances that have a variable likeness, in both texture and appearance, to real hair. Basically, you pay for the better hair. If you don't have a lot of money, you're much better off not wearing a wig. A famous arena for wig wearing would be any of the many studios where chat shows are filmed, it being well known that most of the more famous chat show hosts, certainly in the UK, wear wigs [4]. If you are invited onto one of these shows, on no account bring a portable fan and use it at any time during your interview. The author would like to note here that he isn't bald, or balding, though at some distant point in the future, this might happen. It goes on record here that he might end up with a rat on his head anyway [5]. [1] Many wigs are famous for almost, but not quite, matching hair colour. [2] Research states that more people laugh at wigs than at bald people. [3] Indeed, British comedian, Alexei Sayle, decided that when he began to go bald, he would shave all his hair off. [4] This is a matter of speculation, and may or may not be true. [5] Although I have lived in a house with someone who wears a wig and, from personal experience, it is quite unpleasant to find the said item floating in the sink. %e *EOA* %t X-Files, 20 Things You Need To Know About The %n 8R66 %s 20 Things You Need To Know About The X-Files %a Kim Bednorz (bednorz@mail.net-connect.net) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet (originally alt.sysadmin.recovery) * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19960406 %e The X-files is a television series about two FBI agents, Fox Mulder and Dana Scully, who investigate cases that would otherwise end up on the pile of unexplained cases, because they involve a multitude of mysterious phenomena that no sane government employee who cares for their job could admit to believing. People who watch the show might benefit from the following: The 20 Most Important Things You Need To Know About The X-Files =============================================================== 1) It's not real. 2) It's not real. 3) It's not real. 4) It's not real. 5) It's not real. 6) It's not real. 7) It's not real. 8) It's not real. 9) It's not real. 10) It's not real. 11) It's not real. 12) It's not real. 13) It's not real. 14) It's not real. 15) It's not real. 16) It's not real. 17) It's not real. 18) It's not real. 19) It's not real. 20) It's a good show, but it's _not real_. %e *EOA* %t Examinations, Fifty Ways To Fail %n 9R12 %s Going To Fail? Then Fail In Style! %a James Crook (james.crook@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19970118 %i 50 Ways To Fail An Exam %i Failing Exams, Fifty Ways %e At some point in most people's lives, there comes a time when you feel that an exam you are about to sit is going to be an absolute disaster. If you really have absolutely no hope in passing the exam then this article is for you. Listed below are ways to fail an exam with hilarious [1] consequences. 1) Running up to the examiner and eating the paper in front of him/her. 2) Running up to the examiner and forcing him/her to eat the paper in front of you. 3) In a biology paper at the question "List the chemical processes involved in digestion", just regurgitate your breakfast over the space provided. 4) Answer a physics paper in Latin and a Latin paper with equations and mass/force ratios. 5) Start whispering loudly to the person sitting next to you. You will both be thrown out. This can be good if it is someone you do not like but bad if it is your best friend. 6) Punch the examiner in the face (instantaneous results). 7) Offer sacrifices to the examiner to appease the god of crap grades. 8) Turn up five minutes late, run in and out with your exam paper humming the "Liberty Bell March". 9) Sound the fire alarm just before you enter the room, wait until everyone has left the section of building you are in and enter the exam hall. Once in the hall sabotage the exam by scribbling swear words in as many exam papers as possible until you get caught. 10) Order a score of pizzas for the examiner with a compliment card in your name. Be prepared to pay for them, or leave before they arrive. 11) Kick the chair away from the person in front of you. If the desks are close enough together then a chain reaction down the line is possible. 12) Book a stripper for the examiner. 13) Book a goat-o-gram for the examiner. 14) Book a taxi for the examiner. 15) Set fire to your exam paper and subsequently the desk, hall, building... 16) Walk in drunk (not to much fun due to the hangover). 17) Write a very interesting essay on why footballs are round [2]. 18) Take up all the spaces on the paper with a formal complaint about a pet hate (school/work/Richard Branson etc.) 19) Walk up to the examiner and ask for a piece of paper. Repeat this at five minute intervals until the examiner asks why you need so much paper, at this point show the examiner the paper chain you have made out of your exam entry. 20) Fake a heart attack in the exam. 21) Get thrown out by bringing in your holiday snaps and showing them to the rest of the people in the exam one by one. 22) Fake an orgasm with the desk (highly amusing but highly embarrassing later). 23) Turn up ten minutes before the exam has ended, sit down, write a few lines and leave the exam five minutes early. 24) Pray to a model of Luke Skywalker at regular intervals. 25) Put a brick through the window of the exam hall with a note tied to it explaining why windows break when you put bricks through them. Be sure to enter the room five minutes later and ask for your brick back. 26) In a timed computer studies assessment give up and start to play tetris or solitaire instead. 27) Moan and groan loudly. 28) Throw paper darts at the examiner with messages written on them such as, "What's the answer to question 3" or "Does your wife know your secret?". 29) Start to practice yoga on your desk and ignore the examiner when he/she start to shout at you. 30) Replace a large bottle of paracetamol's contents with mints and take the bottle into the exam. If the examiner quizzes you over the bottle say that the your doctor prescribes them to stop you getting headaches. Halfway through the exam stand up, scream "I can't take it anymore!", overdose on the "paracetamol" and pretend to collapse. The examiner will no doubt panic and the exam will be stopped. Your trick will be discovered at the hospital but at least you will have fresh breath when you get thrown out of intensive care. 31) Doodle pictures of the examiner under the question "Draw a diagram of a single-celled lower life form". 32) Twwwaaaannngggg your ruler on your desk repeatedly. 33) Make rude words on your calculator (that's all I ever did in my maths lessons) and show them to the examiner. 34) Complete the exam by writing your sentences backwards (this takes a bit of practice). 35) Organise a devil worshipping session with a group of people who have just as much chance of passing the exam as you do. 36) If the exam is a modern language exam then answer the exam in English. 37) Take off your shoes and socks. If that does not clear the room then start to examine your verucas/athlete's foot/corns. Show them to the examiner if need be. 38) At various points in the exam stand up and change desks. Repeat until the examiner throws you out. 39) Play a game of "bollocks" with yourself. For those not familiar with the rules of "bollocks" it is a game usually played with two people where each person takes it in turns to say "bollocks" at a louder volume than the other person. The winner is the one who lasts the longest without being caught. 40) French kiss the examiner (care!) 41) Start pretending to swat flies with your exam paper until your eventually hit the examiner. 42) Take a helium filled balloon into the exam. Inhale the contents and sing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" at the examiner. 43) Take a pencil case shaped like a mobile phone into the exam and "talk" to your parents at regular intervals. 44) Release a small mouse into the exam and watch the mass hysteria happen when it runs through the female section of the hall. 45) Drink a litre of coke before entering the exam and attempt to burp "The Sound of Music". 46) Use your tie as a sling-shot and fire blunt instruments (calculator, pens, rulers etc.) at the examiner. 47) Ask to go to the toilet. Return and complain that there is no toilet paper. Pause, pick up your exam paper and stroll out. 48) Make a mural on the floor by flicking ink at it during the exam. "Miss" occasionally and hit the person sitting in front of you. 49) Walk in wearing a fairy costume and grant the examiner any wish he/she wants. 50) Write another list of "50 Ways To Fail An Exam" [1] Not always the case. [2] Unless you are American, in which case, write about why they are egg-shaped. %e *EOA* %t Hearing Aid, Cheap %n 9R13 %s How To Stimulate People To Speak Up %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19970113 %x Personal Stereos %i Cheap Hearing Aid %i Inexpensive Hearing Aid %e If your hearing starts to get worse, all you really need is for people to speak up a little. There is a very simple and cheap way to do this. There is no need yet to buy an expensive hearing aid, which has the unpleasant side effect of increasing the background noise to the same level of the sound you want to hear. The fact is, that if people see someone wearing a hearing aid, they will automatically speak up (although it is, of course, not necessary anymore). So the only thing you need to do, is to attach a piece of electric wire to your ear, and connect it to some kind of flesh coloured knob. One of those personal stereo earplugs will do fine too. This trick doesn't work too well when standing near a president. %e *EOA* %t Cheating At Pool %n 9R14 %s Gaining An Unfair Advantage %a Tony Blews (hat@mono.org) %d 19970128 %i Pool, Cheating At %i How To Cheat At Pool %i Snooker, Cheating At %x Mornington Crescent %e It has been well known for some time that there are only two ways to consistently win at the game of pool. You must either practice the game during every working moment of your life, or cheat. This article concerns itself with the methods of the latter, and with not being discovered. Method 1: The Rules ==================== It may seem strange to mention rules in a guide to cheating, but one of the easier ways to cheat is to conveniently forget the rules. This can range from putting your opponent off by repeatedly asking about specific rules - though this really classes as a Distraction - to continually making the same foul play and claiming it to be legal under some other variant of the rules. The following are examples of the above: 1) "Oh sorry, I thought I was allowed to move the white. You can under Stafford Pub & Club Rules." 2) "You mean I can't re-spot the black after your foul? Aren't we playing Northern Pool Association League Rules?" 3) "No, you can't play down the table unless you've already potted three balls without fouling, according to the Preston League 1993 rules." 4) "Clockwise movement along the Circle Line is only permitted after a move North along the Bakerloo Line. Sorry, that's Mornington Crescent." Method 2: Distraction ====================== By far the easiest method of cheating is to distract your opponent at the critical moment when they are about to make that vital pot. In its simplest form, this technique may involve a well timed sneeze, the timely ringing of the Last Orders bell, or asking for the money that you lent you opponent six months ago, even if you did no such thing. Some other distraction methods will be listed later, as they also fall under the category of 'Technology'. Experts in this field have discovered that nothing puts a male player off his shot more than a large chested young female leaning over the table. Method 3: Interference ======================= The more daring player can opt to seek an advantage by removing their balls from the table when the opponent is not looking, or replacing the opponents balls after they have been pocketed. This only works during the early stages of a game, when there are plenty of balls on the table. The pool cue is as important as the balls in this game, so rigging your foe's cue so that the end falls off is considered a wise move. Method 4: Technology ===================== Recent advancements in technology have provided the pool cheat with a number of useful devices. The use of low power laser pointers to briefly project a red spot on the cue ball as a shot is taken is considered acceptable, whereas the blinding of your opponent is not, unless a wager for a substantial amount of money is involved [1]. Calls to mobile phones at the appropriate moment can also prove invaluable. Balls which have metallic cores will be affected by strong magnets which can be secreted near the table. Electromagnets should be activated only when required. Portable laser targeting systems are too expensive and currently only function in Science Fiction films, and thus will not be described here. Conclusion ========== Cheating at pool is easy. Cheating without being detected can be difficult. Of course, these methods may also be used to cheat at snooker. [1] The author does not advocate or recommend the blinding of your opponent, nor does he accept responsibility if anyone chooses to perform this act. %e *EOA* %t Red Dwarf %n 9R15 %s The British Sci-Fi Television Comedy Show %a James Crook (james.crook@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19970114 %i Dwarf, Red %i Comedy: Dwarf, Red %i Science Fiction: Red Dwarf %i British Comedy: Red Dwarf %e Background ========== Red Dwarf is the longest running BBC2 sit-com in the UK. The first episode was originally transmitted on the 15th February 1988. Since then, seven series have been made, totalling 44 episodes to date (1997). The show is set on a large ship (the "Red Dwarf" [1]) in space, three million years, give or take a day, from Earth. The whole of the crew has been wiped out, except for David Lister, now the last human alive; Arnold Rimmer, a hologrammatic simulation of a dead crew member; The Cat, a humanoid creature that evolved from Lister's pet cat; and, in the later series, Kryten, a service mechanoid. Red Dwarf was, up until recently, written by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. The TV show was developed from a sketch on a radio show called "Son of Cliche". The sketch was called "Dave Hollins - Space Cadet." Dave Hollins, like Lister, was the last human alive, and his only partner was the ship's computer, Hab (later to become 'Holly' in the TV series). Hab was voiced by Chris Barrie, who was to play the part of Arnold Rimmer in the TV show. The sketch series was a parody of "2001 A Space Odyssey", the name "Hab" being a take-off of "Hal" and "Dave Hollins" replacing "Dave Bowman". The idea for the pilot script germinated on a beer mat and was born in a Welsh mountain cottage. The first series was viewed by many as being a shambles, full of unfunny actors trying desperately to get laughs out of characters that had not been established yet. This was mostly true. The set was a headache inducing grey and had looked like it had been assembled in about five minutes in a submarine [2]. The Plot ======== The reasons for David Lister becoming the last human alive are not in the slightest bit unclear. Lister was placed in suspended animation (described as "stasis" [3]) because of his blatant refusal to hand over, or indeed admit to the existence of, his cat Frankenstein. The cat was discovered after Lister sent a picture of it and himself to be processed in the ship's lab. Whilst in stasis, there was a deadly nuclear leak from a drive plate that was improperly fixed by Rimmer. The whole of the crew died, except Lister because he was safely sealed from the accident. Three million years later, he was released from his stasis imprisonment, which was supposed to be just 18 months. The information on Rimmer was used to create a holographic companion for Lister, and the Cat, a last generation product of "The Holy Mother" Frankenstein's long line of descendants, was discovered while skulking around the ship, after the hold had been opened. The crew decide to start the long trek back to Earth. The scene is now set for the following 43 episodes involving, among other things, curry monsters, alternative realities and 6-month-old underwear. The Characters ============== David Lister; Played By Craig Charles ------------------------------------- The last human alive was born in the twenty third century, and joined the crew of the Red Dwarf after spending ten years as a supermarket trolley attendant, a job which he left because he didn't want to get tied down to a career. As a baby, he was found under a pool table in a pub, and adopted. His stepfather died when Lister was 6 years old. At the time, he was too young to comprehend what had happened and he was told that his stepfather had "gone to the same place as his goldfish". Consequently Lister was found reading the football results with his head down the toilet. He joined Red Dwarf as a lowly Third Technician and stayed at that rank. He might have enjoyed this job, or indeed progressed, if it were not for his superior, and bunk-mate, Arnold J Rimmer. The love of Lister's life is a navigational officer called Kochanski who makes a welcome return in series seven. We know that David Lister is in no danger of premature death; in fact, he will live to the grand old age of 171, as predicted in an episode in series two. Arnold Judas Rimmer BSc SSc; Played By Chris Barrie --------------------------------------------------- Arnold Rimmer (bronze swimming certificate, silver swimming certificate) wanted to go places. "Up, up, up the ziggurat lickety-split!" he would say; this was not to be. Rimmer claimed a lot of things about himself, none of which were true. He claimed that his nick-name at school was "Ace", but it was in fact "Bonehead". After every exam he took, he always told his mother that he had passed when he had failed. Consequently, she believed him to be an Admiral, though he never got any further than a Second Class Technician. As a leader of "Z-Shift", the lowliest shift, he had to co-ordinate the cleaning of chicken soup dispenser nozzles about the ship. Rimmer's three brothers, Jon, Howard and Frank, were all high flyers in the space corps. Rimmer claims that his career was cut short by his death. The Cat; Played By Danny John-Jules ------------------------------------ The Cat is a self-centred sex machine with a taste for "Krispies". As the last of a species that evolved from the domestic cat, he is obviously concerned with his own welfare and dress-sense, and is as about as intelligent as his own ancestors. There is little more to say except that he has a special ability in keeping his cool about him at all times. Kryten 2X4B 523P; Played By Robert Llewellyn --------------------------------------------- Constructed in the 24th century by Diva-Droid International, the series 4000 mechanoid, Kryten, was originally supplied to the Nova 5 but was adopted by the crew of the Red Dwarf, after the Nova 5 crashed (Kryten was the only survivor). Kryten rebelled against Arnold Rimmer's slave-driving and took Lister's space bike. He did not return until series three, when we are informed that he was rescued by the crew after being involved in a crash. He was to take a permanent role from series three and is now a vital member of the crew. Well who else would iron Mr Lister's underpants? Kryten's only self-indulgences are "down-time" (android sleep) and his favourite soap opera, "Androids". Kryten was originally played by David Ross in the second series. Holly; Played By Norman Lovett And Hattie Hayridge --------------------------------------------------- Holly is a tenth-generation AI holographic computer with an IQ of 6000. Pretty intelligent you might think? Wrong! During the three million years he spent alone in deep space waiting for the dangerous levels of radiation to subside, he became bored. Holly read and re-read everything that had ever been written. If it was not for his collection of "Singing Potatoes" he would have surely gone insane. Holly busied himself by decimalising music into a form called "Hol Rock" and compiling his comprehensive A-Z of the universe, but he still felt no better about himself. Holly resented the implication by the small crew that, one way or another, he was a senile gibbering wreck only useful for telling the time. Holly changed sex between series two and three, departed the TV show when Lister lost Red Dwarf between series five and six, and is due to return in series seven, with the original male actor. Kristine Kochanski; Played By C.P. Grogan and Chloe Annett ---------------------------------------------------------- Kochanski was a navigation officer aboard Red Dwarf and, at the time, the love of Lister's life. After the radiation leak, Lister tried to persuade Rimmer to give up his life as a hologram in place of Kochanski's. Needless to say, Rimmer refused. Throughout the first six series, Kochanski made a couple of fleeting appearances and in series seven became a semi-regular, after Rimmer left. The Future ========== Red Dwarf has a massive following world-wide. From Australia to America, viewers tune in to see the show. The fan club's members include such well known names as Madonna, Oasis and Leonard Nimoy! Rob Grant and Doug Naylor already have four best selling novels under their belts about Red Dwarf (below), and the writers have been approached a number of times about making a Red Dwarf film. The following novels are available: 1) Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers; by Grant/Naylor 2) Better Than Life; by Grant/Naylor 3) The Last Human; by Doug Naylor 4) Backwards; by Rob Grant Red Dwarf is set to continue until the crew get fed up of trekking through space. There was an aborted attempt to launch an American version of the series. An initial pilot was made, followed by a promotional mini-pilot, but the whole thing fell through, and has since been described as "rubbish". [1] It is certainly red, but hardly a dwarf. Also, it's worth noting that the whole of series six, and most of series seven, are set on the transport ship, "Starbug", which is green. [2] Which was almost the truth. The sets were kept to a minimum because that was the only way the writers believed the BBC would fund the programme. From series three, the sets and effects improved enormously, but surprisingly enough with no more money. [3] While in a stasis room, you are not affected by time. You are a non-event mass with a quantum probability of zero. %e *EOA* %t Justification %n 10R1 %s Can We Cross That Thin Line %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %x Winning Arguments %d 19961211 %e Sometimes you might feel the necessity to justify your actions. It is also possible that, during your whole life, you never [1] find any reason to justify any of your actions for one of the following simple reasons: a) You feel your action was 100% justifiable and there's no need to prove it; b) You just don't like justifying things; or c) You can't be bothered to justify it. If you lean towards justifying things that don't need to be justified, people will expect you to justify _all_ subsequent things that don't need any justification, even if you aren't willing, able, or simply don't have the time, to justify them. This is a trap; never allow it to happen. On the other hand, if you perform all manner of actions, and totally fail to justify any of them, no matter how dangerous, stupid, or whatever they actually are, people will begin to believe that you are a totally irresponsible person who doesn't care about the effects of his or her actions. At this point, you could be thinking that an action is okay, so long as it can be justified. Well, don't. It is very simple to dream up all manner of excuses to justify any action you can dream of, and hope to get away with. However, it is not so easy to get the vast, or at least significant, percentage of the population to believe you. For example: you could go to your neighbour's house in the middle of the night and steal everything of value, while liberally smashing anything that isn't, or visa-versa. A justification you might then give is that the same could have been done by a professional burglar, and would be much more likely to happen if you hadn't had got there first. This is a bad excuse, and on no account should you try it on anybody whose measurable intelligence is above that of a goldfish [2]. A basic set of rules is as follows: 1) Don't justify everyday tasks, like washing-up, or going to the toilet. 2) Try to justify larger tasks which require explanations. 3) Don't even try to justify stupid actions that defy justification, unless you want to be labelled a liar, forever. Follow these rules, and you could have a whole lifetime full of happy work, relaxation, and recreation. [1] Never say never. Also, never contradict yourself [1]. [2] This creature has a short-term memory of only a few seconds. Thus, by the time it would get to the end of this footnote, it would have forgotten why it started to read it in the first place. To add a further sentence would just confuse it even more. %e *EOA* %t Lobsters, Cooking %n 11R1 %s Guilty! %a Anonymous (not available on internet) * Received from 20 Past Midnight mailing list Sat Jan 20 1996 * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19960120 %i Art Of Using Appliances And Utensils As Excuses And Apologies, The %x Lobster Beings %x Burgess Shale Fossils %x Underrated Art Of Saute Cooking In America, The %k Lobster %k Food %i Cooking Lobsters %e Lobsters, everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper method of preparing them [1]. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, too. [1] Editor's note: actually, this is the proper method for preparing crabs. To get the tenderest flesh, lobster should be first drowned in fresh water. %e *EOA* %t Beef War, The %n 11R2 %s Scrapie, BSE And CJD %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19961127 %x Cows %x Exterminating Human-Kind %x Ignorance %i Beef War, The %i BSE Crisis, The %i CJD Crisis, The %i Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy Crisis, The %i Mad Cow Disease Crisis, The %i Population Control, The Incompetent Government's Guide %i Incompetent Government's Guide To Population Control, An %e What is all that panic about then? Well, it's a long story, and goes back to the early 1980s, and a small area of London, known as Westminster, the home of the British Parliament [1]. Events transpired that allowed lower temperatures to be used in the cooking of animal offal, specifically sheep, which would then be fed to other animals, specifically cows. The lower heat allowed the disease from the sheep, already infected with scrapie, to pass onto the cows. Scrapie has, for many years, been a disease in sheep which causes infected proteins to attach to the normal proteins in the animal's brain, thereby destroying the brain cells, causing their brains to slowly change into a spongy mess. After the initial incubation period, which is generally up to ten years [2], the process doesn't take long, and leads to inevitable brain damage, and then death. It is incurable, but it was generally believed that it couldn't be passed to other animals, so they didn't worry about it very much. Now, the poor old cows who had been fed this infected meat, began to develop similar symptoms years later. This was noticed by the government, who took immediate action to sweep it under the carpet and deny everything [3]. The most infectious parts of the animal, including the spinal cord, were later banned from food, but were still used for several years by certain unscrupulous farmers, and it is said that much of this meat found its way into the most inexpensive beef products. In total, infected meat was in the food chain for a good few years, during the mid 80s, and millions of people were subjected to it, blissfully unaware of the possible damage it might cause them in later years. The panic really began in the early 90s, when scientists started to make the link between the disease in cows, which is now known as BSE [4], and the scrapie disease in sheep. Later, certain cases of CJD [5], a similar brain disease in humans, began to catch their collective eye. Usually a disease in old people only, CJD cases began to show in people as young as their early 20s; people that would have been at the height of their beef-eating, and specifically beef-burger eating, years in the mid-80s. One victim was someone who had since turned vegetarian. Then, about a year ago, the British Government took all of the speculation they had, and the inconclusive case the scientists had, and made an announcement to the effect that: "British Beef is probably safe, but it might not be, and you might all die, but you might not, but if you stop eating it, it may not make any difference anyway because you're probably already infected." It was predicted that the 20-or-so cases, so far, would balloon in a short period, which hasn't so-far happened. Strangely enough, mass panic followed, and beef sales dropped rapidly; they have, only very recently, began to pick up again. As a result of the announcement and the panic button the British Government had finally pressed, after years of denial and no action, all of Europe, and most of the rest of the world, banned the import of British beef, to protect their food markets from infected food. It was decided that, to allow British beef to be exported once more, foreign markets should be shown that Britain was doing something constructive to destroy the disease once and for all; to wit, a wholesale cull of all cows. This was later cut down to older cows, who were more likely to have the disease now, as the young'ns were no longer eating any infected food. To this point, the British government has come up with many excuses to avoid dealing with this problem, including the recent, "oh, the disease will die out in a few years anyway." This pleased nobody. The beef export ban has still to be lifted, as of November 1996. Of course, the next few years will show the result of their blunder: whether millions of people will die, or the disease will indeed fizzle out, and nothing will happen. Whatever does actually happen, the cases that have been discovered, so far, provide the only link, and though it is not proven, it is still very spooky. The most frightening thing is that all of these diseases remain incurable, and there is no sign of a cure being found in the near future, added to which, you have no way of knowing if you have the disease inside you right now. [1] Ruled by majority, by the right-wing Conservative ("Tory") Party, which was initially led by Margaret Thatcher, and later "led" by John Major. At this time, they still control British government, as they have done for the last seventeen years. [2] This figure is the most popular, but every time I see a news report, the figure increases. The highest estimate I've heard, so far, is thirty. [3] Some might say, that's what governments are for. But these, I assure you, are experts. [4] "Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy", also known as "Mad Cow Disease". [5] "Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease." %e *EOA* %t Beginning, The %n 12R1 %s What Happened? %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19970131 %x Time %x Meaning, The %i Start, The %i Time And Space, The Beginning Of %e In the beginning there was a word, and the word was "Why?" Before that, there was a lot of messing around trying to survive, fighting off your nearest rival and trying to protect your cave from invasion by that angry bloke just over the next hill. But how did it all start? This is an interesting question and nobody really knows the exact answer for sure. In fact, it is very unlikely that anyone will ever be able to know beyond all doubt, unless they are one day able to build a time machine, go back, and find out. Religions state that everything was created by some form of divine being, or "God". Branches of philosophy would argue with this, questioning the existence of God in a non-existent nothing; who created God? Others, just to confuse the issue, would claim that God created man, but in turn, man created God (or the other way around). This is rather paradoxical, and therefore we will ignore it for now. Scientific theories have been floating around for a long time, and most point to some form of "Big Bang" as the creator of the universe. But if there was such a thing, how did it happen? What was there before? And who's going to clean up the mess? Like contemplating the infinity of space, trying to think about the infinity of time just gives most people a headache. If you think back far enough, something must have always happened before, and if you look far enough, something must always be beyond. If it said that if you contemplate this for too long, you will eventually go insane, though the only people who say this are those that have thought about it for too long, so their conclusion is not to be taken too seriously. In the end, perhaps there really was no "beginning". Or at least no "beginning" like we understand beginnings. Whatever the answer, nobody is likely ever to know for certain, and the pursuit of an answer makes for a fantastically fruitful occupation, and a lifetime's commitment to speculation. %e *EOA* * * End of file: REAL16.NEW * Share and Enjoy! *