* * Archive: REAL18.NEW * * Created on: Tue Mar 28 15:30:11 2000 * * Number of articles: 25 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to * find an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * 9R23-1 Wolves, A Non-Mythical Account * 9R24-1 Ice Cream Cascade, The * 9R25-1 Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee, USA, Earth * 12R9-1 High School * 8R74-1 Cairo Taxi, How To Catch A * 8R75-1 Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa, Earth * 13R1-1 Cheating At Darts * 13R2-1 Sinterklaas, A Dutch Tradition * 8R76-1 Astrology, Proving And Disproving * 9R26-1 Discworld Series, The * 9R27-1 Weather In The Netherlands * 9R28-1 Knights Of The Command Line, The * 8R77-1 More Great Places And Buildings To Not Jump Off * 8R78-1 Onomatopoeia * 8R79-1 Trains, Old, In The Netherlands, Earth * 9R29-1 Locust, The, A Game * 8R80-1 Firewalking For Fun * 8R81-1 Space Loop * 13R3-1 Tetanus Injections * 9R30-1 Volgo Lake Alcohol Consumption Effect * 9R31-1 Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA, Earth * ChaosOrigins-2 Chaos Theory, Origins Of * FishUses-3 Fish, Basic Uses Of * Inventions-2 Inventions Of Humankind, The Greatest * Sousaphone-2 Sousaphone Proxy, The * %t Wolves, A Non-Mythical Account %n 9R23 %s A Guide %a Stephen Patterson (s.r.patterson@herts.ac.uk) %d 19970301 %p 9R23_1.jpg Picture of a Red Wolf %p 9R23_2.jpg Picture of a Timber Wolf %p 9R23_3.jpg Picture of an Arctic Wolf %p 9R23_4.gif Map showing distribution of wolves %p 9R23_5.jpg Picture of a Mexican Wolf %e What Is A Wolf? =============== A wolf is a large carnivorous mammal, and a member of the dog family. Wolves come in a number of species and sizes, with 100 pounds being considered large. Wolves in captivity can live to be 15 or 16 years old, much like a domestic dog; this is unsurprising as the domestic dog has been down bred over several millennia from original wolf stock. However, in the wild, wolves are lucky to live beyond eight or nine years. Wolves are similar in appearance to German Shepherd Dogs (Alsatians) but with a shallower chest, broader head with a conspicuous ruff of hair around cheeks, and with a shorter and thicker neck. The fur colouration varies including grey/greyish fawn with brown-reddish colour on the back and the head/ears (especially in Italy). Northern wolves may have a reddish tinge on their head, ears, shoulders, and legs, but not on their backs. Size ==== * Head & body length: 3-5 feet * Tail length: 1-2 feet * Hind foot length: 7-10 inches * Shoulder height: 2-3 feet * Weight, Male: 44-132 lbs * Weight, Female: 40-110 lbs Different Species ================= There are two main species of wolf: the grey wolf (canis lupus), and the red wolf (canis rufus) [APPENDIX 1]. All other wolves are subspecies of these two species. The grey wolf tribe is the most common, and includes such wolves as the timber wolf [APPENDIX 2], tundra wolf, lobo wolf, and the arctic wolf [APPENDIX 3]. Diet ==== Wolves are opportunistic feeders accustomed to a feast-famine existence. They often go for many days without eating and then gorge as much as twenty pounds in a single sitting, and as such will eat anything that moves. This includes large prey such as: deer, elk, caribou and, in some areas, moose and bison weighing up to 1000 pounds (ten times their own weight), rabbits, rodents, birds, and carrion. Human garbage can be important in some areas (such as Italy). Red wolves have a broadly similar diet with more emphasis on the smaller prey species. A Wolf's Year ============= Spring ------ Cubs born only to dominant female (ledrene). She is dependent upon the rest of the pack for food for the next three weeks. Within two months of birth, the cubs are weaned, and eating solid food. They are now one third adult size. Summer ------ When the cubs are eight to ten weeks old, the adults round them up and herd them a few miles cross-country to a pre-chosen location. As soon as the trip is over, the cubs, exhausted from their first long-distance foray, flop down and go to sleep. For the next few months, this will be the pack's summer home and open air nursery. The parental care given by the leader and ledrene strongly imprints their dominant position in the minds of the cubs. On growing up, they will find it difficult to challenge their parent's authority. Their relationship is, to the leader and ledrene, similar to the relationship between a dog puppy and its owner. The cub treats its owner as if he or she is a dominant wolf. Even when grown to full size and strength, the dog still regards its owner as dominant. Training in hunting techniques begins in late summer, when the pack starts taking the cubs out to hunt with them. Autumn ------ By now, the cubs will have received lessons on communication and marking by scent, and on the meaning of territory. They will have discovered that their pack lives in a well-defined area and that rival wolf packs have territories in adjacent areas. This is a critical point to understand; if a wolf trespasses into another pack's range, it may be killed. The cubs will now be learning how to communicate through howling. Howling enables packs to broadcast their claim to territory and discourage trespassing. The territorial system acts as a mechanism regulating wolf populations. The number of good territories is limited, as is the number of wolves that a territory can sustain. Under natural conditions, the availability of space and food controls the wolf population. Winter ------ Winter can be a time of relative plenty for wolves, as prey find it harder to forage through the snow and are gradually weakened, lessening their chances if hunted. By now, the nine month old cubs are nearly adult size in body height, but still need a year to fill out their frames. For most packs, the breeding season starts in February. The first sign of this is a dramatic renewal of pair bonding by the leader and ledrene. Both of them forsake many of their normal activities so they can spend more time together. They also become more aggressive towards other adults in the pack, both challenging any wolves that attempt a mating. Normally the ledrene succeeds, and she will be the only female to produce cubs. Red Wolves (Canis Rufus) ======================== Red wolves are medium sized canids similar in appearance to coyotes, but more robust [APPENDIX 1]. Their legs and ears are relatively long, compared with the coyote's, and the colouration is similar, though more tawny and coarser. Red wolves are slightly smaller than greys, with a more slender elongated head and shorter, coarser fur. Unless otherwise stated, all the facts in this article can be applied equally to grey and red wolves. The map only shows the current distribution of grey wolves, as red wolves are extinct in the wild. The red wolf was once found throughout the south-eastern United States, from the Atlantic coast to central Texas and from the Gulf Coast to central Missouri and southern Illinois. Between the period of 1900 to 1920, red wolves were exterminated from most of the eastern portion of their range. A small number persisted in the wild in south-eastern Texas and south-western Louisiana until the late 1970s. By 1980, it was determined that the species was extinct in the wild. The present red wolf population of at least 249 animals exists primarily in captivity. Two hundred animals are located in 22 captive breeding facilities in the United States. Distribution ============ Key To Map [APPENDIX 4] 1) Melville Island Wolf. 2) [APPENDIX 5] Mexican Wolf. 3) Banks Island Tundra Wolf. 4) British Columbian Wolf. 5) Vancouver Island Wolf. 6) Hudson Bay Wolf. 7) Labrador Wolf. 8) Alexander Archipelago Wolf 9) [APPENDIX 2] Eastern Timber Wolf. 10) Mackenzie Tundra Wolf. 11) Baffin Island Tundra Wolf. 12) Interior Alaskan Wolf. 13) Alaska Tundra Wolf. 14) Tundra Wolf. 15) (unnamed) Canis Lupus Arabs. 16) Steppe Wolf. 17) Tibetan Wolf. 18) Common Wolf. 19) (unnamed) Canis Lupus Pallipes. "Fear the loping wolves They hunt with cold confidence Deer should flee in haste." - Japanese haiku graffiti, Rasalhague University References ========== * _A Society Of Wolves_, Rick McIntyre * _Mammals Of Britain And Europe_, David MacDonald & Priscilla Barrett * Wolf Haven Web Site (http://www.teleport.com/~wnorton/wolf.shtml) * Boomerwolf Web Site (http://www.boomerwolf.com/begin.html) * EE Link Environmental Education on the Internet (http://www.nceet.snre.umich.edu/EndSpp/optiredwolf.html) (http://www.oit.itd.umich.edu/bio/doc.cgi/Chordata/Mammalia/ Carnivora/Canidae/Canis_rufus.ftl) * Map courtesy of National Geographic Society (http://www.nationalgeographic.com/ngs/maps) %e *EOA* %t Ice Cream Cascade, The %n 9R24 %s The Mechanism Behind Ice Cream Consumption %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19970620 %x Ice Cream %x Ice Cream-Induced Killing Frenzy %x Haagen Dazs Day %i Cascade, The Ice Cream %i Cream, Ice, The Cascade %k Food %k Snack %k Ice %k Ice Cream %e Most people who eat ice cream in the presence of other people are unaware that they play a crucial part in a chain of events that will continue ice cream sales well into the future. Let me explain. The sight of someone licking an ice cream is the best possible advertisement for the product; it will rather sooner than later cause a craving for ice cream with someone else. Satisfaction of that desire will in its turn cause a craving in another person, etcetera etcetera. Think about it. All occasions of wanting an ice cream are preceded by a mental image of ice cream consumption in the past. This chain of events that I will call the "ice cream cascade", probably goes way back, right to the invention of the first ice cream. The ice cream cascade is very likely the prime mechanism behind ice cream consumption [1]. Next time you lick an ice cream, think about all the famous people that have preceded your chain, probably including people such as Adolf Hitler, Hermann Goering, Joseph Goebbels, Benito Mussolini, Stalin, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein, etc. etc. [2,3,4] [1] Closely followed by Frustration. [2] Many monsters are still missing from this list. If you have any suggestions, please mail them. [3] How's that for a diet? [4] In this document the word "ice cream" was mentioned 14 times. It has, and will forever continue to, project the images of ice cream in minds beyond count. Surely, that must mean something to the industry people out there? Pleeeaaase? %e *EOA* %t Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee, USA, Earth %n 9R25 %s An Odd And Troubling Place %a A. D. Dawson (Bob2486@aol.com) %d 19970324 %x Elvis Impersonation %i Presley, Elvis, The Home Of %k Elvis %k Presley %k Elvis Presley %k USA %k Graceland %k Memphis %e Graceland is very frightening place that should be avoided at all costs. Everything there within a two-mile radius [1] is devoted to Elvis. Going there is like stepping into an alternate world of glittery jumpsuits and bizarre memorabilia. If at all possible, avoid going there. If you can't avoid going there, then close your eyes and try not to let it bother you too much. [1] This is a rough estimate. %e *EOA* %t High School %n 12R9 %s What It's Really Like %a Miss Amber Brokaw (amberb@goodnet.com) %d 19970703 %i School, High %x Scramble Bands %k School %k College %k Education %k High School %e Introduction ============ For the student, high school is a place/period of time in which an older teenager learns everything they need to know about life as we know it. The teachers think learning takes place mostly in the class room, but in all actuality the opposite is true. It is shown that more learning takes place between classes, at lunch and after school while involved in extracurricular activities. Extracurricular Activities ========================== As mentioned above, learning takes place almost everywhere _but_ the classroom. The proper usage of extracurricular activities is a highly useful thing. An extracurricular activity is an activity that provides a "stimulating" after-school learning experience that also provides a place for teenagers to go. Some popular extracurricular activities include, but are not limited to: sports, clubs, Bible study, counselling groups, dance, theatre and an often misunderstood group called the Marching Band. The Main Point Of All This ========================== Why do teenagers put themselves through this phase? Well, the answer is quite varied. Some go to learn, others to have fun, still yet others because they are forced to by an outside influence. High School can be a great experience, but is often explained by freshmen [1] as "Hell with hallways". Summary: ======== High School is often used as an excuse for failure later in life [2] but nobody can say they never liked it. It makes up a whole 3-5 (or more) years of a human's life. We learn like above mentioned "Everything we need to know to about life as we know it". Often we forget how much we really learned sitting there at lunch wondering out loud what would happen if superman tried to reproduce or what our lunch was really made of. [1] Freshmen (or first year students) are an important part of High School society. They are made fun of by Sophomores (2nd year) and Juniors (3rd) and often put through a terrible (for them) process called initiation by Seniors (final year, or years, of High School). [2] People often blame their childhood and High School days for crimes committed or lack of knowledge in later life. %e *EOA* %t Cairo Taxi, How To Catch A %n 8R74 %s An Unavoidable Means Of Transportation In Cairo, Egypt, Earth %a Tim Richards (parallax@iinet.net.au) %d 19970810 %i Cabs In Cairo, Egypt, Earth %x Hailing A Taxi On Mars %x Earth %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %x Haggling %e "Ya haraami!" The young Egyptian man, in a blinding green-and-purple shirt and spotless black trousers, gestures sharply as he steps out of the cab. The taxi driver barks a reply which is lost in the noise of traffic. All around, cars jerk and slide in and out of the strange organism that is Cairo traffic. The smell of petrol and exhaust fumes complement the towering apartment blocks and the heat haze which radiates from the concrete. No one pays much attention to the argument: they've seen it all before. At last, it comes to an end. With an expression of disgust, the young man peels off a couple more ragged notes and thrusts them through the window. They speak a last few words on each side, then the taxi pulls away, cautiously re-inserting itself into the flow. "Haraami" means "thief" in Arabic, and it is not unknown to hear the word shouted at taxi drivers in Egypt. Foreigners have even more reason to use it, yet it is difficult to avoid this particular form of transport. Locals pack the city buses to the gills, the underground Metro is good but limited in its destinations, and driving is a daunting prospect in the anarchy that is Cairo traffic. No, the Cairo taxi is a challenge that you must face. How does the system work? There are no companies to call and book a cab with, just thousands of distinctive black-and-white vehicles plying the streets. Some are bright and new, some the worse for wear, some seemingly held together by wire and a prayer. To catch one, stand at the side of the road and signal, or just yell your destination to a passing driver. He will decide if he wants to take you; if so, hop in. Single women should sit in the back to avoid marriage proposals. Here comes the tricky part. All Egyptian taxis have meters -- they just don't use them. Most are set on an unrealistically low official rate or don't work. You must know the generally accepted fare to your destination, and have the correct change ready in your pocket. When you arrive, step out of the cab, close the door, hand the cash through the open window, say shukran (thanks) and stroll briskly away. This makes it difficult for the driver to stop and argue with you. No easy feat on a busy, congested Cairo street, so he has no choice but to drive on. Easy, isn't it? Unfortunately, they don't always stick to the script. Some drivers, seeing an agnabi (foreigner), assume that you have stacks of cash and no knowledge of the proper fares. They start by quoting a ridiculous figure, expecting you to passively agree. You are quite within your rights to insist on the proper fare. The ensuing conversation can include haggling, sarcasm ("We want to go downtown, not to Alexandria") and sometimes halting the taxi and getting out. An effective alternative is stating your price then refusing to talk to the driver at all until you reach the destination. This works well, as it's hard to argue with someone who doesn't reply. The best way to avoid such a conflict is to never catch taxis outside hotels or tourist sites. If you can speak a little Arabic to drivers as well, even better. This helps establish your credentials as a person who wasn't born yesterday. This article may make it sound as if catching taxis in Cairo is a constant hassle. It isn't. Not all drivers will argue over the amount, and many will offer unsolicited gifts (cigarettes, for example) and be genuinely friendly. It's just that a ride with a haraami is far more memorable. There is a positive side to any hassle too: it makes for a good travel anecdote later. %e *EOA* %t Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa, Earth %n 8R75 %s Sun, Sea, And A Bloody Great Big Mountain %a Paul Morrison (pfm@iafrica.com) %d 19970913 %x Earth %x Football %x Football, Association %x Wine Tasting %x Pubs, How To Deal With Them * %x Cricket %k South Africa %k Table Mountain %k Taxi %e Where? ====== Cape Town is situated at the South-western tip of South Africa which, as its name suggests, is at the southern tip of Africa. It is a common error to assume that Cape Point [1] is the most southern part of SA. This is of course wrong, as the locals will be quick to point out. The honour of the most southerly part of Africa goes to Cape Agulhas, which is even more boring and not worth discussing further. People ====== The population varies according to who you speak with. Currently it has been narrowed down to between 2 and 3.5 million. An official census has been taken, but by the time the results are released the figure will be terribly out of date. Table Mountain ============== The first thing you notice when you visit Cape Town is Table Mountain. This is a very difficult thing to miss, much in the same way as it is hard to fail to see an elephant sitting in your kitchen. Table Mountain, despite its name, is a mountain shaped like a table, although I wouldn't look for any giant cups of tea on it (unless you go to the cafe/restaurant at the top). A popular activity is to wait in line for three hours to get a ride to the top of the mountain in the cable car. It is possible to book in advance for a place on the cable-car, and thus avoid the wait, but purists maintain that doing so ruins the experience. The view from the top is very nice, showing the entire city, and on a clear day, the mountain ranges in the distance. The considerate hitchhiker must resist the awesome temptation to spit off the edge or start a small rock slide. The mountain is surrounded by the city, and those living or hiking below might not appreciate your gravitational experiments. Some History ============ Cape Town was founded in 1652 by a Dutch chappie named Jan Van Riebeeck. The city was occupied by Holland, Britain, and France. Not, of course, at the same time. Cape Town was an important stop-over point for ships on their way from east to west, or the other way round. This resulted in the above three countries fighting for it (the city), until the Suez Canal was built and everyone packed up their toys [2] and went home. Places To See ============= One place a hitchhiker must avoid at all costs is the Victoria and Alfred Waterfront. This is a tourist trap, repeat, a tourist trap. It is so effective that it even traps the locals. Everything is more expensive here, and cheaper wares can be found by going elsewhere. If you do have spare funds available, there are actually a few good things to see at the V&A Waterfront. The whole thing is actually built within the Cape Town Harbour, which is a fully functional and busy international port. If you want to see what goes on in a harbour, this is a good place to go with no risk of getting thrown out. The two best things at the Waterfont are: the Two Oceans Aquarium, which has aquatic life from both the Indian and Atlantic oceans, and the IMAX cinema, which at the time this article was written, was the only such cinema in Africa. The tourist trap section of the Waterfront is the Victoria and Alfred Mall, which is a collection of speciality shops and restaurants, and the entire complex seems to double in size every few years. There are institutions such as the Hard Rock Cafe and Planet Hollywood here, with plans for more similar international companies to come in. I would instead recommend walking around the centre of town to see all of the various shops and clubs, especially on Loop- and Long street. Unless you have a local to guide you, I would definitely insist that you do this during the day. If you are feeling particularly suicidal, or want to practice your fighting skills, you can try this at night, but of course I really wouldn't suggest you do this. Always make sure that you have organised transport home, as the taxis refuse to pick up passengers after about 7pm, and the late-night public transport systems are sporadic at best. Some taxi drivers will collect you after 7pm if you make arrangements with them in advance, and they don't suspect you of being a mugger. Green Market Square and Greenpoint Stadium are good places to go to see what fell off the lorry this week. Deals can be found, but always beware of what you buy. I myself once bought a jacket there which had upside-down pockets. Not very useful for holding wallets and other valuables. Both of these markets are open from about 8:30am to 4pm, with Greenpoint Stadium being at its busiest on a Sunday morning. If it is excitement that you are looking for, then catch a taxi. This is generally regarded as the best way to lose your life, or your underpants, in as short a period of time as possible. You must remember that I am not talking about a regular taxi [3] here, but a wonderful local variant known as the minibus taxi. The qualifications to become a taxi driver are simple. Ignore traffic rules, other traffic, road markings, and pedestrians (other than those who are trying to catch a taxi). Taxis can be caught at any recognised taxi stop [4]. Another activity in Cape Town is the Wine Route. This is basically an extended pub crawl, with guides and pamphlets. Although generally a day trip, people have been known to disappear for weeks at a time appreciating the fine grape beverages of the Western Cape. Finances ======== The money in Cape Town, in fact for the entire country, is this creature called the Rand (not to be confused with the Kruger Rand, which is worth a little bit more). The Rand is currently worth about the same as a snotty tissue, so hitchhikers can look forward to good exchange rates. Sports ====== The main sports in Cape Town are Rugby, Cricket, and Football [5]. The respective teams all have nicknames: Football - Bafana Bafana Rugby - Amaboko-boko Cricket - Those cricket guys The Rugby side won the world cup in 1995; the finals were held in this country. The Football side won the Africa Cup of Nations; the finals were held in this country. The Cricket team did _not_ win the world cup; the finals were _not_ held in this country. (Do we see a trend here?) Guess why Cape Town wanted to host the 2004 Olympics? A final word for those of you who surf: Cape Town has arguably the densest population of Great White sharks [6] in the world. Surf's up! [1] The bit directly south of Cape Town that sticks out to sea. [2] Guns, soldiers, ships, etc. [3] Road-worthy car, licensed driver, four wheels, you get the picture... [4] Pavements, traffic lights, roundabouts, the centre of national roads, in fact, just about anywhere that you can be seen from the road. [5] Soccer, for the uninformed Americans. [6] The carnivorous fish species, not a large, white, money-lender. %e *EOA* %t Cheating At Darts %n 13R1 %s Bending The Rules Of Another Pub Game %a Tony Blews (hat@mono.org) %d 19970918 %i Darts, Cheating At %x Cheating At Pool %k Darts %k Cheating %k Game %k Sport %e Darts, the great British pub game traditionally played by people who are wider than they are tall. The sort of game where body weight counts towards victory, or so it seems. In such a simple game of skill which basically involves throwing little arrows at a stationary target, one would think there were few opportunities to cheat. Not so. Here are some practical and theoretical methods of bending the rules. Causing A Distraction --------------------- This can be as simple as sneezing as they throw their dart, through to spiking their beer with vodka and getting them drunk. In extreme cases, hitting your opponent in the ear lobe is acceptable. Manipulating The Scores ----------------------- If you are naturally bad at maths, then fixing the scores is the best option for you. Always make sure that your score is lower than theirs. Abusing Technology ------------------ A dart is essentially a pointy bit of metal with plastic wings, therefore a collection of powerful electromagnets behind the board could be used to pull the dart into the desired score area. As yet, laser-targeted dart launchers are not available, neither are fly-by-wire dart missiles, so those options are out. The Ways Of The Force --------------------- Black magic, if you can get it to work, is your friend. Cajoling spirits to guide the darts to their destination may give you an advantage, and if you're really good at it you might get away with trick shots. So there you go. You might as well just chuck the darts and hope for the best. %e *EOA* %t Sinterklaas, A Dutch Tradition %n 13R2 %s Invented To Get Lots Of Presents And Annoy Your Family And Friends %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19940315 %d 19970821 %d 19971026 %p 13R2_1.gif A picture of Sinterklaas %i Dutch Traditions: Sinterklaas %i Belgian Traditions: Sinterklaas %i Traditions, Dutch: Sinterklaas %i Santa Claus, The Dutch Version %i Father Christmas, The Dutch Traditional Version %i Christmas, Father, The Dutch Traditional Version %i Sint Nicolaas, The Dutch Version %i Saint Nicholas, The Dutch Version %x Santa Claus, Existence Of %x Santa Claus, The Privatisation Of %x Santa Claus, The Early Years %x Netherlands, Earth %x Netherlands, Earth, A Native Writes About The %x Scaring Children %x Dentist, The * %x Tetanus Injections * %x Weather In The Netherlands %e The Arrival =========== The Dutch tradition of "Sinterklaas" begins at the beginning of November, even earlier if shop keepers have their way, and they mostly do [1]. The shop windows start to fill up with all the Sinterklaas attributes: gift-wrapped cardboard boxes, replicas of Sinterklaas and "Zwarte Piet" (Black Pete), chocolate letters, pepernoten. Halfway through November there is a big spectacle when the man arrives in the Netherlands. A television crew awaits his arrival at one of the more photogenic ports where he docks his steam boat full of presents, Zwarte Pieten, and his horse. They are welcomed by a huge audience of parents and children. Sinterklaas simultaneously arrives at every city or village in the Netherlands. This is explained by way of the so-called "hulp-Sinterklazen" (people who help Sinterklaas by dressing up like him), and certainly not by some wild macroscopic quantum mechanical effect. The children who become aware to the impossibility of simultaneous sightings are told that Sinterklaas can indeed not be in every place at the same time, so people help him. Children often discover they aren't dealing with the "real" Sinterklaas on their own, when they recognize shoes, wrist-watches, rings and glasses of local shopkeepers, or even daddies, on the old man. Sinterklaas goes on a tour through the village accompanied by several Zwarte Pieten, who throw different types of sweets around and on the ground for children to get tetanus. You can see children squirming about like maggots, trying to get hold of as much candy as their little hands can hold. The smart children, who know how diseases come about, then resort to throwing it back as hard as possible, causing multiple concussions to the Pieten. Wisened by experience, the Pieten now only deposit candy straight into the open hands of the weakest children. After this day, Sinterklaas begins his assessment of all the children's behaviour in the past year, and proceeds to hand out presents. It all culminates on December 5th in the evening. Sinterklaas Accessories ======================= Sinterklaas, the legendary man, looks like an old wise bloke with long white hair and similar beard. He is dressed like a bishop and has a golden (shepherd) staff in his hand. He also carries a large leather bound book, with gold print, in which it is written which children have been good and which have not. In the "good old days" kids used to be threatened to be whipped when they had been bad, with a bunch of twigs (a "roe"), after which they would be put in a burlap bag to be shipped to Sinterklaas' residence in Madrid, Spain. As parenting grew softer over the years, this valuable tradition was lost, except in some of the Sinterklaas songs. Also, people nowadays pay big money for holidays in Spain, and for whipping too for that matter. The kids are smart enough to know that, so the effectiveness of the punishment has decreased anyway. Filling The Shoes ================= So why does the old man bother to come to this soggy country when he could be having a great time in the sunshine by his pool? Why, it's because of his birthday! His birthday is actually on December 6th, but for some arcane reason it is celebrated a day before [2]. Before this memorable occasion Sinterklaas climbs onto his "schimmel" [3] and trots around on rooftops. How on Earth he gets there is never explained, and how he keeps his balance on the sloping, slippery roofs is even less understood. Assisted by his black henchmen [4] he now and then throws presents down the chimneys (mostly sweets, suggesting a conspiracy of dentists...), a practice which reduced whole cities to ashes, centuries ago. This was prevented by the introduction of the central heating, with scores of disappointed children as a side effect. Thanks to the parents this hasn't yet resulted in a downfall of civilisation, as they assume the role of Sinterklaas and put presents like chocolate letters and marzipan or sugar animals in the shoes their offspring have put in front of the heating element instead. These shoes have been prepared by putting hay and/or a carrot in them, for the horse, though how this animal should get into the room is unclear and not questioned by the children. Thankful that the horrible vegetables are gone, the kids eat themselves silly on the sweets next morning. This shoe business is _the_ opportunity for the children to give lists of all the presents they want to Sinterklaas. The Origins Of The Tradition ============================ Sinterklaas is said to have originated from St. Nicolaus, the Bishop of Mira, Turkey, who was a righteous dude and did good stuff for children. The Santa Claus concept might also have originated from this guy. How it came to be that Sinterklaas lives in Spain is a mystery. There could be a connection with the Spanish inquisition or the Spanish domination over the Netherlands, but your guess is as good as mine. The roots of "Zwarte Piet" (Black Pete) are also somewhat unclear. Some say these guys represent medieval Italian chimney sweeps. Their skin is pitch black and they wear medieval yet shiny clothes, revealing that medieval folks must have had mighty detergents, the recipe of which has been lost since. The throwing of presents down chimneys seems to be evidence for the "Italian chimney sweep" theory. Every year there is a discussion about "Zwarte Piet" being a racist concept, which is understandable when you notice how little Black Pete nowadays resembles a chimney sweep. Children in school sometimes think their coloured friends will in the future become a Zwarte Piet, and people dressing up as Zwarte Piet pretend they're simple and speak Dutch as if they just immigrated from a tropical country. A lot of confusion could be avoided by going back to the roots and dressing Black Pete up as a real chimney sweep. More Presents ============= On December 5th Sinterklaas brings the _large_ presents, which are left in large plastic trash-bags (the same ones that will be used to throw away all the broken toys in the coming weeks) on the front porch. Sometimes the parents hire a Sinterklaas from the "Sinterklaascentrale" (an organization providing assistant Sinterklazen) to present the presents. They might even dress up themselves, causing uncomfortable situations when the kids recognize those shoes, wrist watches, rings and glasses mentioned before. "Daddy is a transvestite" is a commonly heard and traumatising remark. The old, wise man utters some very wise words such as "Are there any naughty children here?" and "Have you been a good boy/girl this year?". Upon receiving the respective replies of "noooo!" and "yeees!", Sinterklaas proceeds to explain why that reply is incorrect. Loads of children are traumatised by Sinterklaas every year, especially when they are forced to sit on his lap and sing a Sinterklaas song. Sinterklaas for grown-ups means a party of giving and receiving gifts, much like on Christmas, but now the presents are called "surprises" (pronounce as "sir-preeze-us"). A surprise is a gift hidden within a product of tinkering, aimed at giving the gift the appearance of something completely different, accompanied by a poem. It serves to embarrass the addressee by reminding him/her of some embarrassing moments in the past year, or to point out a general failure of character in a mocking way. It is _the_ day to get even with anybody for anything, but it is mostly played with family and/or friends. The most cliched surprises are a gift: 1) in a bucket of shit [5]; 2) wrapped in five thousand kilometres of sticky tape; or 3) which is only an empty box. A fun tradition, no? [1] I've seen Sinterklaas stuff in shops as early as mid October. [2] Maybe the fact that Sinterklaas is supposed to be several centuries old has led people to believe it is highly probable for him to die any minute, so to be sure that they receive the presents anyway, they celebrate his birthday a day in advance. Seeing what tricks he gets up to during his stay, this really isn't such a strange thought! [3] Schimmel, n. 1. Grey horse. 2. Mould. [4] Women too; children often notice the suspicious bumps on the chest, and are not fooled by the low voices they use. [5] Unfortunately not many people dare to use real dung, but mock it by mixing some kind of cake ("ontbijtkoek") with water. %e *EOA* %t Astrology, Proving And Disproving %n 8R76 %s Debunking An Argument In Favour Of Astrology %a Jim Rogers (grimpeur@pobox.com) %d 19960309 * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet (originally alt.astrology) * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) * Argument in favour was given by Karyn Davis (kdavis@crosslink.net) %e Some people who believe in astrology have the following argument to prove there is a valid reason to trust the outcomes: Anyone who "believes" that the tides are affected by the moon should therefore automatically believe that our bodies are affected by the moon, since we are 98% water [1]. Then it is a natural assumption that the other planets and stars would affect our lives in other ways. To me, the whole thing (astrology) makes so much sense that I find it hard to understand how anybody couldn't believe in it! For goodness sakes, it's right there in front of our faces!! Sheesh! To this it should be said that the water in our bodies is irrelevant; the ocean tides caused by the moon would happen if the oceans were filled up with gasoline. What's important is the effect of the moon's gravity on the earth's mass. Your body doesn't subtend a large enough difference in radius from the moon's center at this distance to matter at all. When you're looking at the other planets, the tidal effects on your body would be so close to zero "even God couldn't tell the difference" (Martin Gardner, I believe [2]). No one has to "believe" in lunar tides any more than you have to "believe" in sunrise. It is immediately observable and measurable. Lots of things are right there in front of our faces, including noses, which would be far more effective instruments to make decisions with than planetary positions (useful for, say, discerning sh** from shinola). [1] 98% is way off. Actually, it's somewhere between 70-95%. [2] From a Scientific American several years ago, pertaining to a Prisoner's Dilemma-type lottery contest, by either Gardner (Mathematical Games) or D. Hofstadter (Metamagical Themas). The "payout" would have had to be divided "so close to zero that even God couldn't tell the difference." %e *EOA* %t Discworld Series, The %n 9R26 %s The Multitudinous Works Of Mister Terence Pratchett Esquire %a Mark Seaborn (mseaborn@argonet.co.uk) %d 19970626 %x Writing Style, Douglas Adams' %x Live Action Roleplaying %x Adelphi Hotel, Liverpool, England, UK, Earth %i Novels, The Discworld %i Pratchett, Terry, The Discworld Novels By %k Discworld %k Terry Pratchett %k Novels %e Space. And a background of stars greets both us and the beginning of this article. The intro to Strauss's _Also sprach Zarathustra_ is playing ("daa daaa!") [1]. The camera slowly pans across the starscape... ("bom-bom bom-bom bom-bom") ...And into view, just on the edge of vision, appears a turtle ("daa daa daaa -- da _daaa!_"). It is Great A'tuin, the space turtle, sex unknown (despite several attempts to find out what would be an important piece of cosmological information). It makes its way through space towards the Destination, also unknown. Perhaps it is travelling to find another space turtle of opposite sex. If this is the case, the future of the world carried by the turtle on its back would be thrown into uncertainty. As the camera approaches Great A'tuin, we can see its load more clearly. Upon its back, supported by four giant elephants, is the Discworld, so called because it is disc-shaped, although of course not flat -- no world is _completely_ flat. As the Disc looms up into view, its features become visible. Day is dawning over the Rim of the Discworld. The Disc's sun rises gradually, causing the Rimfall -- the water cascading from the edge of the Disc into the infinity of the void -- to sparkle brightly. We can see the sunlight spread to cover the Disc (light travels slowly in the Discworld's strong magical field), filling in the deep crevices and canyons in some parts of the Disc's surface. Closer and closer the Discworld gets. Ever fast approaching, the camera disappears into a layer of cloud. Emerging seconds later, the Hub of the Disc can now be seen, extending into the sky, the wilderness of the Hublands menacing. Now, below us, the city of Ankh-Morpork is visible, hundreds of people occupying its dirty streets, scurrying around, going about their business, shouting, adding to the general atmosphere. The atmosphere -- and boy, does Ankh-Morpork smell. * * * About The Discworld Novels -------------------------- This is the Discworld, the setting of Terry Pratchett's series of novels, which have now become far too numerous to be plausibly called a trilogy. Starting with _The Colour of Magic_ [2] in 1983, the novels continued as "it became obvious that the Discworld series was much more enjoyable than real work," to quote Terry Pratchett's biographical blurb. The Discworld series can be described as humourous Tolkienesque science fiction, or fantasy, or whatever, if you must put a label on such things. They are in a similar vein to Douglas Adams' _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ (though more numerous), so if you are a fan of DNA's work it is quite possible that you will like Pratchett's works as well. The Discworld series currently consists of the following novels, although undoubtedly this list will grow in the future (the years of first publication and the ISBNs of the paperback versions, published by Corgi, are given here): * _The Colour of Magic_ (1983, ISBN 0-552-12475-3) * _The Light Fantastic_ (1986, ISBN 0-552-12848-1) * _Equal Rites_ (1987, ISBN 0-552-13105-9) * _Mort_ (1987, ISBN 0-552-13106-7) * _Sourcery_ (1988, ISBN 0-552-13107-5) * _Wyrd Sisters_ (1988, ISBN 0-552-13460-0) * _Pyramids_ (1989, ISBN 0-552-13461-9) * _Guards! Guards!_ (1989, ISBN 0-552-13462-7) * _Eric_ (1990, ISBN 0-575-05191-4) * _Moving Pictures_ (1990, ISBN 0-552-13463-5) * _Reaper Man_ (1991, ISBN 0-552-13464-3) * _Witches Abroad_ (1991, ISBN 0-552-13465-1) * _Small Gods_ (1992, ISBN 0-552-13890-8) * _Lords and Ladies_ (1992, ISBN 0-552-13891-6) * _Men at Arms_ (1993, ISBN 0-552-14028-7) * _Soul Music_ (1994, ISBN 0-552-14029-5) * _Interesting Times_ (1994, ISBN 0-552-14235-2) * _Maskerade_ (1995, ISBN 0-552-14236-0) * _Feet of Clay_ (1996, ISBN 0-552-14237-9) * _Hogfather_ (1996, ISBN 0-575-06403-X in hardback) * _Jingo_ (Not yet published) The last few publications in the series aren't novels, but are guides to the Discworld: * _The Streets of Ankh-Morpork_ (1993, ISBN 0552-14161-5) * _The Discworld Companion_ (1994, ISBN 0575-60030-6) * _The Discworld Mapp_ (1995, ISBN 0552-14324-3) * _Terry Pratchett's Discworld Quizbook_ (1996, ISBN 0575-60000-4) * _The Pratchett Portfolio_ (1996, ISBN 0-575-06348-3) * _The Josh Kirby Discworld Portfolio_ (1993, ISBN 1-85028-259-5) A bibliography of Terry Pratchett's works and their blurbs (http://www.co.uk.lspace.org/books/reviews/index.html) can be found on the L-Space Web site -- he has written other books besides the Discworld series. Features Of The Novels ---------------------- The first couple of books are based around the character Rincewind, an incompetent "wizzard" (sic) who can't spell wizard. He meets Twoflower, probably the Disc's first (and last) tourist, and -- well, I won't say what happens, but when Rincewind is involved they frequently almost get killed, and Rincewind runs away a lot. The other novels generally feature different characters, who often come back, if only briefly, in later books. For example, _Guards! Guards!_ features the City Watch of the City of Ankh-Morpork, who appear again in other Discworld books [3]. Some of the novels have strong themes describing what the Discworld is like. _Small Gods_ is, as the title implies, a novel about the small gods of the Disc (and also pokes fun at religion a bit). _Mort_ is the first book with Death as a main character [4], allowing us to get to know the Disc's best-known anthropomorphic personification. Terry's novels also contain loads of references to other things, some subtle, some not-so-subtle (witness the _Annotated Pratchett File_ [5] for annotations of many of the references he makes). For example, _Wyrd Sisters_ has hundreds of references to Shakespeare's _Macbeth_, and _Soul Music_ naturally makes many references to the rich world of popular music. The geography of the Discworld is equally rich (and is shown in _The Discworld Mapp_). The novels are set in places ranging from the city of Ankh-Morpork, to Tsort and Ephebe, to the Sto Plains, to the Hublands, to the rain-sodden town of Llamedos [6]. A lot of the places actually mirror locations here on Earth, but I won't spoil any fun by pointing them out! The Finest Discworld Bibliographies ----------------------------------- Naturally, the first place to go if you want to find out more about the Discworld books is to a bookshop. Or to a library (ook!). Read one, and see if you like it! After that, the Internet is a good place for further Discworld and Pratchett information. There are the alt.fan.pratchett and alt.books.pratchett newsgroups, for discussion of all things Pratchettian, and alt.fan.pratchett.announce for Pratchett-related announcements [7]. Terry Pratchett himself posts to these groups quite often. As for Web sites, one of the best sites is the L-Space Web (http://www.lspace.org/) which contains almost everything Disc-related that you could possibly want (or, at least, links to it), all bar the novels themselves. Miscellany ---------- There are a number of Discworld games, including an old 8-bit game, and two point-and-click adventure games on CD-ROM which both use the voices of several famous people. Some MUDs (Multi-User "Dungeons") with a Discworld theme also exist. As for TV and movie versions of the Discworld, there are at least animations of _Wyrd Sisters_ (which was shown on BBC2 in the UK recently) and _Soul Music_ (which is available on video). Apparently there is talk of a Discworld film, which would be good. And if you really are too lazy to read the books, abridged and unabridged audio versions of some of them are available, the abridged versions read by Tony Robinson. Lastly, holidays to the Discworld are unfortunately unavailable at present. [1] The introduction to _Also sprach Zarathustra_, by Richard Strauss, is the piece famously used in _2001: A Space Odyssey_. [2] The colour of magic is, of course, octarine, the eighth colour. [3] And in the Discworld short story, _Theatre of Cruelty_ (http://www.lspace.org/books/misc/theatre-of-cruelty.html), also written by Terry Pratchett. [4] Death always speaks in capital letters: I COULD MURDER A CURRY, he says in _Mort_. [5] The _Annotated Pratchett File_ can be found at http://www.lspace.org/books/apf/index.html. [6] Llamedos -- try reading it backwards. [7] There are various FAQs, including an FAQ for the Pratchett newsgroups, at http://www.lspace.org/faqs/index.html. %e *EOA* %t Weather In The Netherlands %n 9R27 %s What Clothes To Wear %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19970703 * For Maria Kaartinen %x Netherlands, Earth %x Netherlands, Earth, A Native Writes About The %x Amsterdam, Netherlands, Earth %x Weather, Influencing The %i Netherlands, Weather In The %k Weather %k Netherlands %k Rain %k Wind %e When trying to understand the Dutch weather, one first has to know where the Netherlands are located. A map quickly shows that it lies halfway up Europe, and borders Belgium, Germany and the North Sea. Well, you could say that Great Britain and, say, Norway, are also neighbours, if you disregard the water, but then again, Denmark, Iceland, the Arctic, the Antarctic and the rest of the world would also border it, which is a nice thought. Anyway, the climate is maritime, not continental. What you have a lot of in this flat country is _wind_. Dress for it! I always get this terrible ear-ache when fighting this wind on my bike. Another thing we have quite a lot of, is rain. You really need a water-proof jacket, as the combination of rain and wind makes an umbrella a bit impractical, except for umbrella salespeople. Nonetheless, many people try protecting themselves with one anyway. Holland has a bit of a reputation for rain, but it is somewhat exaggerated. It doesn't rain all the time (I can't remember the exact statistical data). Summers are moderate, as are the winters. Mostly. Summers sometimes have days where the mercury reaches 30 degrees Celsius, but 20-25 degrees is more common. A good summer has periods of about four days of great weather, and then one or two days of thunderstorms. The air freshens up after that, unlike other parts of the world, which then resemble saunas. Bad summers are simply depressing: an overcast of clouds, 18 degrees, and a slight drizzle. You have equal chances of both types. Warm weather makes you a little sticky, as there is some humidity, but not so much that you want to stay locked in one room with an air conditioner (and catch a cold). Winters are sometimes pretty cold, with a bit of snow and all our water ways frozen over and people skating everywhere. A really great winter for the Dutch involves such a cold that we can skate the eleven city tour (de elfstedentocht). That takes place in the province of Friesland, which has many lakes and canals to freeze up, and you pass, you guessed it, eleven cities during the 200 km long tour. It takes place about twice every ten years (often in succession), if my memory serves me well. Temperatures then go down to, on average, -10 degrees [1]. Ordinary winters have temperatures ranging from 10 to -5 degrees, but we have adopted the notion of "gevoelstemperatuur", or "wind chill factor", which people in countries with continental climates are very familiar with. It involves the force of the wind, which often makes it feel a lot colder than it is [2], giving us the extremes we like to complain about. Waterproof clothing is the best in most occasions. In between we have autumns with, guess, lots of rain and wind, and springs with, let's see, lots of rain and wind. Nooo, it's not all that bad; especially in spring we often have a week of early summer, when people take their clothes off to absorb some sun, and get a severe cold as a side effect. We do cherish the warm days... except when it lasts too long: most of us can't stand that [3]. And always remember, also when reading this article: we really love to complain. Estimated average temperatures: 5-18 degrees, hovering somewhere in the middle. But, of course, it can always be better, or worse; we may get lucky and have a warm September. You don't want to wear your woolly mammoth disguise then. Summary. Best things to take with you to the Netherlands are a water-proof jacket, and the rest is optional, depending on the kind of crowd you like to meet. The average person wears long jeans, a t-shirt and some kind of sweater, and a variety of shoes (not all at once). However, I'd like to encourage people to wear little clothing: shorts (hot pants, mini skirts etc.) and short tops, though entirely for selfish reasons ;-). [4] [1] All averages mentioned come from estimations based on my memory. I still plan to write an article about my memory... [2] The more wind there is, the faster we loose our warmth through our skin, the colder it feels. [3] Present company excluded: a year with only summer days above 30 degrees suits me fine. [4] The weather prediction for the next five days in the Netherlands can be found at http://www.omroep.nl/cgi-bin/tt/nos/page/m/704 : probabilities of seeing some sun, rain, and the temperature extremes and wind force. %e *EOA* %t Knights Of The Command Line, The %n 9R28 %s A Mildly Dangerous Sect Of Command Line Interface Worshippers %a Dirk van Deun (dirk@knights.rave.org) %d 19970703 %x C Language And Unix System Are Jokes %x Computers, Earth %x Computer Jargon Made Easy %x Unix, Part 1 %x Unix, Part 2 %i Command Line, Knights Of The %i Line, Command, Knights Of The %k Computer %k Command %k Interface %e The Order of the Knights of the Command Line is an organisation that aims to protect the traditions and culture of computing. They hold as central beliefs that: a command line interface is the difference between a computer and a toy, command line arguments are cool, and batch files and shell scripts are media for artistic self-expression. Brussels House, being the First House, was founded on the seventeenth of March of the year 1997. Prospective founders of a House (or Chapter) need to have their Quest approved by the Grand Cursors, the Dukes of the First House. A Quest can be porting a piece of software to DOS or Linux, or anything to further the success of command line interfaces and thwart the Evil Realm of the Mouse. At the time of writing there are several Houses in Belgium and Germany; more Chapters are expected to be founded in the near future. The Knights of the Command Line can be reached at http://knights.rave.org. %e *EOA* %t More Great Places And Buildings To Not Jump Off * Formatted by WinPGG v1.5 Beta 4 (1998/01/01) %n 8R77 %s Statue Of Liberty And Mir Space Station %a Chuck Noonan a.k.a. greyfax (captainc@peoplescom.net) %d 19970808 %x Jumping Off Cliffs And Other High Places %x St. Cyr Sur Mur, France, Earth %x New York City, New York, USA, Earth %x Earth %x Psychic Gravity %i Statue Of Liberty, A Structure To Not Jump Off %i Liberty, Statue Of, A Structure To Not Jump Off %i Mir Space Station, A Place To Not Jump Off %i Space Stations: Mir, A Place To Not Jump Off %i Places And Buildings To Not Jump Off, More Great %i Buildings And Places To Not Jump Off, More Great %i Jumping: More Great Places And Buildings To Not Jump Off %e Statue Of Liberty ================= An excellent structure to not jump off is the Statue of Liberty, New York City, New York, USA, Earth. The view must be outstanding, what with the sun shining on the bay. You might think that you could jump and perform a perfect dive. The only drawback to that idea is that the Statue of Liberty is standing on a small island, so that while you could certainly jump, the chances are that you would hit land and not water (unless you had legs which can propel you hundreds of feet forward before you hit the Earth). Mir Space Station ================= Another great place to not jump off is the Mir Space Station. Seeing the whole Earth in your view is certainly a plus. You could argue that you would never have that split second of intensely painful pain you get when you hit the ground, as you would _never_ hit the ground, being in orbit. However, once you jump, the chances of actually being found and rescued if you do not notify the proper authorities far beforehand are almost infinitely small, a nd the subsequent asphyxiation you get when the oxygen in the space suit runs out is surely as painful as the famed splat, if not more. Also, the chances that you ever get a chance to jump from the Mir Space Station are slim, seeing that only the best and most qualified ever get to be astronauts, and only a few of them get to leave our atmosphere. So unless you happen to have an Electronic Thumb and can signal a passing spaceship (and then convince the owner of said spaceship to let you off at Mir, which can be hard), don't bet on this lovely jumping spot. %e *EOA* %t Onomatopoeia * Formatted by WinPGG v1.5 Beta 4 (1998/01/14) %n 8R78 %s Words That Sound Like Stuff %a Tony Blews (hat@mono.org) %d 19971114 %x Chocolate Milk %x Uhm, Eh %x Zzzzz %i Words, Those That Sound Like What They Are %k Words %k Sounds %e Onomatopoeia refers to a formation of words that imitate or suggest what they stand for, according to my Griffin Dictionary For Kids. That such a simple concept could be given a name that is so difficult to spell gives credence to any theories of Unnatural Complexity which happen to be passing. Here are some examples of onomatopoeia: Plop, splash, sploosh, splat, bang, boom, pop, purr, bark, tweet, meow, quack, squeak. These are good examples, as they conjure images of what they represent in the mind. It has been proposed that the word _snore_ is onomatopoeic, however my experiments have shown that this is only true if you say the word very slowly while gargling with chocolate syrup. %e *EOA* %t Trains, Old, In The Netherlands, Earth %n 8R79 %s Old Trains Still In Service In The Netherlands %a Maarten Deen (mccidd@via.nl) %d 19970425 %p 8R_1.gif The "Arend" steam engine %p 8R_2.gif Blue Angel (photo Ben Doedens) %p 8R_3.gif Red Devil in Groningen, NL (photo Ben Doedens) %p 8R_4.jpg Yellow diesel train in Apeldoorn, NL (photo Lars Blaauw) 960908 %x Dutch Rail, The Leiden-Utrecht Track %x Thalys %x Netherlands, Earth %x Netherlands, Earth, A Native Writes About The %x Madurodam, The Hague, Zuid-Holland, Netherlands, Earth %x Train Journeys, Ten Ways To Liven Up %x Earth %i Old Trains In The Netherlands %i Netherlands, Old Trains In The %i Holland, Old Trains In %e In the Netherlands not all trains in service are brand new, as I expect is also the case in many other countries. Some older ones are stored in the Dutch railway museum (NSM [1]) in Utrecht. You can get there from the central railway station with bus three, and step off at the "Maliebaan". The trains on display range from a replica of the oldest Dutch train (the "Arend" - Eagle) to trains out of service since 5 years. Most of them are beautifully restored, and some are even functional and for hire (as it is now, for way too much money; thank you NS [2] Charter-trains!) This article is not about those trains. They are nice (try the ZHESM [3] car for a change, the sheer luxury it offers!) but they are no fun. No, this article is about the old trains still in service. Warning: if you still want to see them in service: be quick! They will be withdrawn from regular service after the summer of 1997 and then all you'll have is this article! The trains were originally built in 1952, and painted in a very fragile blue colour. Because of this colour they were called blue angels. And angelic they were! Two Cummins diesel engines of 480hp each, giving them a top speed of 120 km/h (80 MPH) with ease. And the sound they made! Pure heaven! Roaring along at top speed was an event. They spent most of their time on local lines, with top speeds of 60, 80, when you were lucky, 100 km/h, but occasionally they had to go on the main tracks and show what they could. Ear protectors required! Later the were re-painted in red. Their nick-name changed to "red devil". And devils they were! Rescuing local lines from extinction, something our local train company (NS) is very unhappy with now. Finally they became old. 30 years is a good age for retirement, but what do you do if you don't have a replacement? Yes, you give them a thorough checkup, you strip and rebuild them, and put them into service again. Yellow this time, with more room for the driver, less comfort for the passengers, more power to reach a lower top speed (i.e. more acceleration; a Volvo will still outrun you), and on the whole: new and improved. So we come to the present time. How are they now. If you see one, you'll recognise it immediately. The yellow paint and the plaster underneath has fallen off, or will do so in the near future. The grey paint on the roof is fading, showing the yellow base-paint. No fancy push-the-button-and-the-door-will-open thingies, no, you have been given the chance to be courteous to old ladies and lovely young women: they won't be able to open the doors themselves. Once inside the extreme heat immediately grabs you into a strangle hold. Summer or winter, it's always hot. Why? Maybe because the exhaust pipes run from the engines under the floor to the cooling system on the roof? Or maybe because the heating can't be turned off? Anyway, make sure you can shed some clothes but remain decent. The ride is an extremely bumpy one. Because the trains are old, the track they run on is also old. On many places the rails aren't even welded, so it is "kadeng-kadeng" the whole ride. Try taking a peek in the cab! The nice speedometer, in the center of the dials, will constantly be in the red part (i.e. 100-120 km/h). However, looks are deceiving. If you calculate the speed yourself (using the kilometer poles along the track) you'll never see the train going any faster than 100 km/h. They are not _allowed_ to go faster. The reason that the speedometer frequently measures 115 km/h is because the wheels are so run-down that they have become smaller and thus spin faster than the speedometer is calibrated for. We've come to the end of the ride. Very convenient for impatient people (and aren't we all!) are the doors. They can be opened long before the train stops. If you see your connecting train, just jump out and run towards it. You'll need to practise this because it isn't easy and the NS will accept no liability for any damage you make doing this. When you're out of the train, take a good last look at it, because you may have been the last one to have ridden it. A single part of the train that fails will cause the train to be scrapped. A pity, because I like them [4]. [1] NSM - Nederlandse Spoorweg Museum - Dutch Railway Museum. [2] NS - Nederlandse Spoorwegen - Dutch Rail. [3] ZHESM - Zuid-Hollandse Electrische Spoorwegmaatschappij - South-Holland (Holland the province) Electrical Railway company. [4] Update 19970815: most of the trains have been taken out of service. %e *EOA* %t Locust, The, A Game * Formatted by WinPGG v1.5 Beta 4 (1998/01/01) %n 9R29 %s How To Play The Locust Game %a Vladimir L. Shirokogorov (shirokogorov@sibico.msk.ru) %d 19970529 %x Fast Food %i Food Consumption, Total, Quick And Sudden %i Fridge Crashing %i Games: Locust, The %k Game %k Food %k College %k University %k Locust %e The Locust is a game which is very popular among Russian high school and college/university students. The rules are very easy: the players come to the apartment of one their friends/acquaintances, open up the fridge, then quickly eat and drink everything from it [1]. [1] Sometimes the host will have to be isolated or immobilised. %e *EOA* %t Firewalking For Fun %n 8R80 %s Southampton University Physics Society's Firewalk; May 11, 1997 %a Jim Champion (jdc295@soton.ac.uk) %d 19970819 %x Fire %x Celsius, Anders %i Walking On Fire Explained %k Fire %k Physics %k Students %e "Hot footing boffins in burning issue" read the headline in the Southampton Daily Echo. Apparently that's what the Physics students at the University of Southampton were. (Maybe if their reporter had actually been bothered to turn up at the Physoc event of the year then they might have thought of a slightly less corny headline.) There was no special mental preparation, no supernatural powers involved and not a pair of asbestos flip-flops in sight. Just twelve feet of glowing embers at a temperature of 600 degrees Celsius and a hundred people only too eager to risk their feet for the sake of science. Dr Robin Allen (firewalking expert from the Wessex Skeptics) gave the pre-walk lecture. He explained why a bunch of physicists have organised a spectacle usually associated with Eastern mystics, religious nuts and blatant con-artists. Apparently there is no mystery about why one can walk over coals at temperatures of several hundred degrees C without coming to any harm, and it's all down to the physics of heat conduction. "It's like opening the oven to take out a baked cake", he said. "Everything in the oven is at the same temperature, the air, the metal cake tin and the cake. You have no fear of putting your hand in the oven -- that's because the air is a poor conductor of heat and doesn't immediately burn you. But the metal cake tin will!" The wood is a poor conductor of heat -- it only causes burns if your feet stay in contact for long enough for the heat energy to be transferred. There are many other factors involved, such as the length of the pit, the thickness of the soles of your feet, how quickly you walk and the type of wood being used. Dr Allen confessed that this particular firewalk was going to be a bit of an experiment as the wood that would be used was beech, and he had only ever used oak before. One hundred and fifty people, a mixture of physicists, other students and the general public, reassessed their need to take part. All the reassurances seemed to scare people even more, so as a distraction he showed a video clip of a guy who licks red-hot iron bars for fun. Compared to that, the task in hand seemed a doddle, and everyone was out of the physics building like a shot, swarming around the bonfire site. While the lecture was in progress a quarter of a ton of beech and rosewood had been set alight, with the help of some paraffin and copies of the Daily Mirror. By the time we arrived, the leaping flames had died down and red hot embers were being raked out evenly over the pit. People started to remove their shoes and socks, following the lead of Dr Allen. The tension was mounting, the embers were given a final prod and the firewalking physicist carefully wiped his feet on a towel -- hot embers stick to wet feet, and the way to avoid nasty burns is to make as little contact with the hot stuff as possible. The crowd held its breath as Dr Allen crunched his way across the far-from-cool pit, following his own advice of brisk light steps, with toes curled upwards and no hanging around. After five strides he was onto the sopping wet blanket at the far end. The gathered throng burst into applause and he ran back and had a second go at it. Amazement and relief showed on people's faces -- it was possible. There was a short pause before some guy decided this was not a cruel trick and had a go himself. Suddenly everyone wanted a go. As the pensioners left, having seen what they came to see, a constant stream of willing volunteers donated their pound to the Wessex Cancer Trust and made the journey across the 600 degrees C terrain. To the flash of the press' cameras, people went across alone, three-legged, in a conga, and generally very quickly. No one attempted a handstand, cartwheel, forward roll or back flip -- and especially not the Monkees walk. After an hour of this application of thermodynamics most of the experimenters grew tired of this amazing feat that was actually quite easy to perform. Only a few die-hard physics students remained, trying to set a record for going across the most times. At 10pm the security guards declined the offer to be the last ones to go over and the once-quarter-of-a-ton of wood was finally extinguished. At the recovery session in the Union bar everyone was busy lying about how brave they had been. No-one seemed to have any injuries -- the only casualty of the evening was a packet of Hob-Nob biscuits that had fallen from the pocket of a firewalker. The profit for charity added up to 100 pounds. Riding high on a wave of firewalking-induced self confidence, I was confronted by a guy who said "So you walked across hot embers; what's so amazing about that?" This was a bit deflating, to say the least, and I realised that some people don't need a sound demonstration of the application of physics to remove the mysticism from the spectacle of walking on fire. N.B. Don't try this one at home. %e *EOA* %t Space Loop %n 8R81 %s Drive 200 Metres Forward And Leap 5 km Back %a Vladimir L. Shirokogorov (shirokogorov@sibico.msk.ru) %d 19970813 %x Incident At Roswell, The %x Opinions On UFOs %i Loop In Space %e Many people all over the world suspect that the truth about the UFO which crashed in Roswell, USA in 1947, is kept secret from the general public by the CIA, the FBI, the American defence ministry, and many other authorities. In Russia, however, things are handled differently. Something truly mysterious is even advertised by the Russian authorities: just 90 km from Moscow, there exists a genuine loop in space. Hardly anyone knows about it, because nobody seems to care to come and see. Take Yaroslavskoe shosse, which goes North-East from Moscow, and drive some 90 kilometres until you see the sign "Alexandrov -->". Next to it there is another sign, saying "Alexandrov -- 22 km". Now, when you pass the signs, turn to the right and take the road to Alexandrov. If you continue on this road for 200 metres, you will see a sign saying "Alexandrov -- 27 km". So while you thought you drove (or walked, it makes no difference) these 200 metres forward, you were, in fact, moving backwards in the space loop, at a very high speed (25 times the apparent speed of forward movement). Notice: the local authorities even put _signs_ up to indicate the space loop. You do not believe me? Please come and see for yourself! %e *EOA* %t Tetanus Injections %n 13R3 %s The Doctors' Way Of Getting You To Be Less Stupid %a Tony Blews (hat@mono.org) %d 19970918 %x Dentist, The %i Injections, Tetanus %e Anyone who has fallen victim to a vicious garden gnome armed with a rusty fishing rod [1], or has dressed as a troll and leapt into a murky river and sliced their leg open will know the annoyance that is the Tetanus Injection. Originally touted as a preventive jab against infection, the Tetanus Injection (literally: needle-up-the-bum) now forms an integral part of health education. In these modern times, I'm certain that the contents of this injection could be formulated into a pill or ointment, but still the medical profession administer it in its most painful format. Hence my theory that this is done to dissuade one from repeating the action that precipitated the requirement for the injection. The injection acts as a Pavlovian Stick, with the hope that the feeble mind will associate the pain and humiliation of a needle in the backside with whatever deed of stupidity was the cause of the injury. While this theory is refuted by doctors, it is however a plausible notion. [1] An actual incident of this occured in the early 1980s. A woman had been planting seeds in her garden, using the fishing rod of a garden gnome to poke holes in the soil for the seeds. Several days later she walked past the gnome, scraped her leg on the rod and shortly died of lockjaw. %e *EOA* %t Volgo Lake Alcohol Consumption Effect %n 9R30 %s The Place You May Drink Not Very Carefully %a Vladimir L. Shirokogorov (shirokogorov@sibico.msk.ru) %d 19970812 %x Alcohol Guilt In Students %i Alcohol Consumption Effect At Volgo Lake %i Consumption Of Alcohol Effect At Volgo Lake %i Lake, Volgo, Alcohol Consumption Effect Of %k Alcohol %k Drink %k Water %k Lake %k River %k Russia %e Volgo is a lake in Tverskaya oblast' in Russia, some 380 kilometres from Moscow. It is significant for the fact that Volga river flows out from it. Volgo water contains a bit more silver than any other fresh water, but because the silver is dissolved, you can hardly notice it. Volgo Lake used to be a deserted piece of Russian nature with pine woods and lots of mushrooms, but during last few years more and more people have visited Volgo, leaving more and more organic and inorganic waste. However, it is still one of the most beautiful spots in the world. There is something special in this lake. It is an unique alcohol consumption effect which may be experienced by everyone who visits Volgo. The test which reveals the effect is very simple [1]. Step one: when at home, or at any place other than Volgo, buy some great amount of strong alcohol (at least twice as much as you can consume, in order to avoid visiting liquor store again) and drink a 40-50 millilitre portion every ten to twelve minutes, following up every portion with a good mouthful of instant fruit drink [2] dissolved in fresh _not boiled_ water [3] and some piece of food. Smoke occasional cigarettes, sing songs, and chat with friends. Repeat until you are not able to say "The sixth sick shaikh's sixth sheep's sick". Ask your assistant to measure the volume of consumed alcohol. Step two: do the same thing at Volgo, this time dissolving the instant fruit drink in _unboiled_ water taken from the lake. You will notice that the amount of alcohol you are able to consume has radically increased. The origins of this phenomenon should be thoroughly studied. How to get to Volgo Lake: if you drive from Moscow, take the Riga highway, turn to the right at Rzhev, drive through this town, take the road to Ostashkov, drive till Selizharovo, at 14th kilometre after this town turn to the left to the village of Selischi, drive through the village, turn to the left and drive 14 more kilometres. Then you will see that the road turns to the left, and if you drive straight through the mud and then a further 500 metres, you will get right to the place. [1] The test may cause serious damages to your health. Do not perform it alone, and at least one person should stay sober; first, he/she will be judging and, second, he/she should call for the doctors or/and undertakers. [2] Use Yupi, Zuko, Kool-Aid; never use Invite; actually, the more natural the instant drink is, the better. [3] Use only filtered or purified water from a safe water well, spring, etc. The best idea is to use bottled low mineral water without gas, like Evian. %e *EOA* %t Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA, Earth * Formatted by WinPGG v1.5 Beta 5 (1998/01/25) %n 9R31 %s The Idiot's Guide To Santa Fe Names %a Matt Thomas (matrian@usa.net) %d 19970502 %i Names, Santa Fe, An Idiot's Guide To %i Idiot's Guide To Santa Fe Names, The %i Guide To Santa Fe Names, The Idiot's %k Place %k Name %k USA %e Santa Fe, New Mexico, is one of the most beautiful and interesting places in the world. This is, unless you're a teenager living there, in which case it's the most incredibly boring place in the world. It is also one of the most popular tourist spots, despite the fact most natives _hate_ tourists. The reason for this is that, in the eyes of the natives, tourists are _stupid_. There are many reasons that they think this. The main one is the fact that tourists don't know how to talk right. So in order to make your stay in Santa Fe as enjoyable as possible we give you: "The Idiot's Guide To Santa Fe Names": Name Correct Incorrect ==== ======= ========= Cerillos Say-ree-ous Ker-rill-os Pojauque Po-walk-ee Po-jack-ee Tortilla Tor-ti-ya Tor-till-a Fajita Fah-hi-ta Fah-jee-ta Jemez Hay-mez Jay-mez Albuquerque* Al-boo-ker-ke Al-boo-Kwirk-Kwee (* Actually, this one doesn't matter all that much; see below.) Also, despite what you may have heard in other New Mexico cities, the little candles in bags that are set up around Christmas time are "Farolitos", _not_ "Luminarias," as those in a certain larger city, noted above, say. Santa Feans consider Albuquerque to be a city of idiots who don't know how to talk either. %e *EOA* %t Chaos Theory, Origins Of %n 8U24 %s Secret Origins Of The Chaos Theory %a Adam Thompson  (neith@phnx.uswest.net) %d 19970804 %i Origins Of Chaos Theory, The %x Chaos Theory, Definition Of %x Weather, Influencing The %x X-Files, 20 Things You Need To Know About The %e The average person believes that chaos theory proves that the universe is inherently confounding, and that they should blame mindless butterflies for their ruined roofing.  For once, "they" are completely accurate.  To truly understand chaos, one must first be familiar with the discovery of the theory. A young and bored research student in New York (Rudiger P. Jones) decided that studying weather in a place that was perennially unpleasant was not the way to become a happy person.  It was at this moment that he named the first concept of chaos, "Strange Attractors".  It appeared that after 3 years of miserable snow and humidity, the Caribbean Islands were highly "attractive". Taking all his research grants, and none of his research equipment, he left for the islands.  Upon arriving Rudiger attended Yolanda White's Famous Toga Party.  Within the course of the night he had (unsurprisingly) spent all of the money. Rudiger realized that he was in need of a brilliant theory (read:  excuse). Yolanda, recognizing true genius in action, provided Rudiger with falsified documents that told of a horrible storm suddenly appearing that destroyed Rudigers "lab".  Meanwhile he wrote a thesis on how a butterfly flapping its wings in New York can cause "unexpected lab-eating storms".  Needless to say, the company that issued the grant immediately called for Mr. Jones arrest.  Surprisingly, however, the scientific community rallied behind Rudiger. It was heralded the re-unification of the sciences.  Breydan Asdef of the Greenibreian Institute of Advanced Astrophysics says, "Finally, something we can all blame our failures on!  What's more, Chaos Theory thrives on that failure.  I never complain that the Biology department gets all the grants any more.  I just say that a butterfly ruined my experiment, and they give me more money!  It explains more than the X-files!" Rudiger was never convicted, and today continues his study of the effect of the Margarita on the Toga Party. %e *EOA* %t Fish, Basic Uses Of %n 9R32 %s Eat Or Get Eaten %a Vladimir L. Shirokogorov (shirokogorov@sibico.msk.ru) %d 19970813 %i Uses Of Fish, Basic %x Jellyfish, 1001 Uses Of %x Fishing, The Art Of %x Thirty-seven Ways To Deep Sea Fish With Four Feet Of Dental Floss %x Crayfishing, The Art Of %e Fish are a carbon based life form which inhabit the fresh and salty waters of the planet Earth. The most distinguished feature of a fish is that it can breathe right where it lives, in water, which is not very common to other species inhabiting this planet. To sustain this sort of living, fish have developed a unique apparatus which takes dissolved oxygen from surrounding water. Fish, as has been stated, live in salty and fresh water, practically everywhere on Earth, and hence they differ much in size, form and habits. A common thing for all, normal, fish is that they have neither legs nor ears; fish covered with fur have been reported a couple of times, but as the authors of these reports moved to psychiatric wards soon after, these reports have been ignored. All fish may be divided into the following groups: a) useful fish, which can be used by a hitchhiker or a stragg in some way; and b) useless fish, which can not be used anyway. Useful fish =========== Fish is most commonly used as food. This sort of fish can be obtained in two ways: either a hitchhiker may catch the fish in water, or he may get it from nearest fishmonger or supermarket. In the latter case, the fish may look not exactly like fish, but rather a lump of something, sometimes frozen, smoked or processed in some other way, or even in a tin can. As most people on Earth eat fish [1], and have therefore developed different methods for its preparation, there are numerous known ways to cook or process it. Fish may be eaten raw and fresh, it may be salted, salted and dried, dried, smoked, boiled, fried, left in a specially dug hole until it gets rotten a little, made into soup, and so on. One can also use fish for aesthetic purposes. Some people care to make glass boxes of different forms and sizes, fill them with water, install some devices -- compressors, thermometers, lights, etcetera -- and let some nice looking, or/and rare, or/and friendly, or/and expensive fish live there. Other people stuff fish and put them in their working studio, a bar or some other place where they may be seen by others, and admired. Some fish are powerful weapons used to destroy enemies, or yourself. Sharks and piranhas are carnivores and they are eager to eat everything soft and pink, including people. Some fish, like the legendary fugu, are safe to eat if properly cooked, but may be extremely poisonous. Some fish carry poisonous spikes, and if a person steps on such fish he gets hurt, and sometimes may even die. In addition, some useful substances can be extracted from fish. Impotence curing medicine produced of sharks and cod liver oil are probably the best known. Of course, there are some exotic uses of fish: wrestling in small rotten fish, sending fish by post to a member of mafia in order to let him know that he is out of favour and soon will be killed, having sex with fish and so on, but all these can not be regarded as basic uses of fish. Useless fish ============ Useless fish are none of the described above. Most of them are useless, because it is impossible to catch and make any use of them. Some of them are useless because they are very small. Dead fish washed ashore are mostly useless. Fish eaten by another fish instantly becomes useless. Generally, any previously used fish becomes useless. Not fish ======== Remember that dolphins and whales are not fish. Any fish-like man-made thing is also not fish. In case someone calls you a fish he is, of course, wrong. [1] Sometimes they eat mostly fish or, in extreme cases, only fish. %e *EOA* %t Inventions Of Humankind, The Greatest %n 8R82 * Edited by trainee Tony Blews, overseen by Roel (8) %s They Are All Around You %a Vladimir L. Shirokogorov  (shirokogorov@sibico.msk.ru) %d 19970818 %i Wheel, The, A Great Invention Of Mankind %i Fire, A Great Invention Of Mankind %i Money, A Great Invention Of Mankind %i Electricity, A Great Invention Of Mankind %e Here are brief descriptions of the four most significant inventions of humankind.  Definitely people made millions of other inventions, but these four influenced civilisation most of all and finally made humans what they are now. Fire ==== Fire was not actually invented by people -- previously fire was a natural disaster caused by lightning or a volcano eruption or overheating, which destroyed the woods with all the inhabitants, including primitive humans. Obviously, fire was first used by people for cooking food, but later it was utilised for numerous purposes.  Now it is widely used for cooking in gas ovens, heating, transportation... frankly, it is easier to name areas where fire is not used. Problems while using fire:  not letting it get out and not letting it burn everything around it.  These can be solved by the accurate use of fuel and keeping fire in a specially designed place (so called ovens, incinerators, motor cylinders, etc.) The dark side of this invention is that fire makes it possible to kill each other, not by smashing your enemy's head with a club, but by throwing a metal bullet at some 700 metres per second from any distance up to 5 km, or, destroying more enemies, by throwing a shell with approximately the same speed from any distance up to 80 km, or by just pressing the red button and thus activating ICBM engines [1].   Wheel ===== The idea of wheel is also, most likely, taken from nature.  Though the wheel, as is, can not be found in any animal/tree/mineral, trunks of pine trees or round stones rolling down the hill could have given early man a hint.  The wheel is used for making horizontal transportation easier by way of reducing friction [2].  The most common wheel is a round one. Making square and triangular wheels makes no sense, as far as such wheels do not reduce friction. Besides the fact that the wheels of trains and cars kill many people and animals every year, they have another disadvantage, which is a direct result of their advantage.  They always tend to roll down, so to stablize your car on a hill you have to use good brakes.   Money ===== Now this is a tricky bit.  Primitive people could do without money.  Today people can not, because they decided so.  This is how it happened.  When people began to produce more goods than was necessary for their own living, they started exchanging the extras for some other goods produced by other people.  In a while it became clear that they needed something to estimate the proportions in which goods should be changed and, at the same time, something which may be exchanged for goods, accumulated, and then changed into goods again.  So, after trying to use some other things for these purposes, people invented golden money [3]. Electricity =========== Again, electricity is not a pure human invention -- people just learnt how to get useful quantities of it and how to control it properly.  The discovery of electricity led to the inventions of electric lights, the telegraph, radios, computers, the Internet and so on.  Today's post-industrial, informational era would be impossible without these applications of electricity. [1] Note that the nuclear weapons themselves are _not_ based on the     invention of fire, but the means of transportation in most cases are     propelled by fire. [2] Technically speaking, the wheel replaces the sliding friction with the     rolling friction, which is significantly lower.  [3] Actually, it is better to read something by Adam Smith or Karl Marx     [4] or Paul Samuelson's "Economics" to understand why money is a     really great invention.  What I described is just the history of this     invention, but it gives no idea of money significance, which is     related to added value and other very smart things. [4] Read those works of Marx that are dedicated to the economic issues and     not the social theory.  He was a great economist but a poor prophet,     but regardless of whether you like it or not, all communism is based     on his works. %e *EOA* %t Sousaphone Proxy, The %n 8R83 * Edited by trainee Tony Blews, overseen by Roel (8) %s Why Sousaphones Are So Bloody Popular %a JuggyNot  (JuggyNot@aol.com) %d 19970920 %i Proxy, The Sousaphone %i Tuba, The %x Scramble Bands %k Marching Bands %e The tuba is a very heavy instrument.  Even worse (and more awkward, at that) is its marching counterpart, the sousaphone.  It's the big thing that wraps around the trunk of the tuba player.  One has been led to ask, "Why does every marching band, especially in movies and cartoons, have one of these monstrosities in its arsenal?"  The answer is simple.  Without some poor zark blowing into this thing, there'd be nothing to watch.  Most people do not admit it, but marching bands, for all their pretty marching patterns and schemes and the like, are incredibly dull.  The only enjoyment one can gain from watching, say, a high school football half-time show, is keeping an eye on the sousaphonist(s) [1]. Why is this so?  Well, there could be several reasons.  First, and foremost by far, is the human condition which relishes in the suffering of others.  In real life, the sousaphonist is always some scrawny schmuck who only wanted to play concert tuba for the Christmas pageant so his parents would have pictures.  During the rests it is possible to see the wincing grimace across his pate, indicating that his left lung has long since collapsed. The second reason to watch the sousaphonist is the fact that of those in the audience who felt the snack bar would have been too crowded anyway, none will ever play the sousaphone.  Flute?  It's possible.  Clarinet?  Why not?  But a sousaphone is restricted to organised marching bands, which most people are more content to watch than to participate in. Also, there is the hope that, in all the wavy little moving lines made up of the band, the sousaphone might topple over or hit some trombone player in the head, causing the "domino effect."  One wonders what the embarrassed band would do to recover from such a mediocre cataclysm.  Keep playing on their rears?  Get up, take a bow, and dash away in a mad hurry?  The world may never know. [1] It's even more fun when there is only one sousaphonist.  (S)he is the     only one that must suffer. %e *EOA* * * End of file: REAL18.NEW * Share and Enjoy! *