* * Archive: REAL19.NEW * * Created on: Tue Mar 28 15:30:11 2000 * * Number of articles: 25 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to * find an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * Moping-3 Moping * ChaosDefined-2 Chaos Theory, Definition Of * vanDeun-3 Dirk van Deun * Y-3 Y * Dubai-5 Dubai, United Arab Emirates, Middle East, Earth * AlienInvade-2 Alien Invasion, The Likelihood Of * SouthPark-4 South Park * PMorrison-3 Morrison, Paul Fraser * CheeseGods-3 Creating A Religion, The Art Of * Wrestling-3 American Professional Wrestling, Theory Of * Theatre-3 Theatre * Amsterdam-4 Amsterdam, Noord-Holland, Netherlands, Earth, Things To Do In * CrowdedBus-3 Crowded Bus, Things To Do In A * Nostalgia-3 Nostalgia * Spanish-2 Languages: Spanish, A Primer * Mopeds-3 Mopeds * Irish-3 Languages: Irish, A Primer * BlueXmas-3 Blue Christmas * KuduDung-2 Kudu Dung Spitting * Politicall-2 Politically Correct, How To Be * Apologies-3 Apologies * FortLauderdale-3 Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA, Earth * Shaving-2 Shaving, Wet, The Art Of * AJBlews-2 Blews, Anthony John * Hartsdale-3 Hartsdale, Westchester, New York, USA, Earth * %t Moping %n 8R84 %s Seven Fun Ways To Loose Friends At Parties %a Alex Chamberlain (jediknight@geocities.com) %d 19980503 %x High School %e Humans are stupid. Very _very_ stupid. With this in mind, it is often easy to understand their motivations for the various actions that they perform throughout the day. And key among these is: moping. Moping is an all-purpose human defense mechanism intended for use whenever circumstances are bad. Humans, however, picked up on this between the invention of fire and the interoceter [1]. The temptation for some humans to use it excessively must be a terrible burden to carry, as so many of them do it. One is reminded of the group back in their high school days that stood around in the hallways all day (they were too depressed to go to class), hugging one another for support through the terrible crisis that their life has become since their significant other left them for their 13 year old elder sibling. These are the people whose lives have become suitable for daytime television (another immensely boring institution that is favored highly on Earth for lack of anything to replace it). They are the same people who know their way around the school very well from six or seven years of experience. The logic that seems to appeal to them is this: "If I act terribly depressed, then (insert human name) will come and comfort me, which makes me feel as though I have done something worth a hug, and makes the voices in my head stop. Better yet, if I come up with a reason to be depressed, then maybe a whole group of people will come and tell me what a good person I am, and tell me all the reasons that I have to be happy." A few hints for recognition of these people: 1) They aren't funny, but think that they're quite hilarious and will tell you the same crazy situation that they got themselves into hundreds of times. 2) They are cheap. They will try to cuddle with _anyone_, _anytime_, for no better reason than the fact that there is _no one else around!!_ _Beware!!!_ 3) They never follow through on projects. They are much too busy figuring out how busy they are and how many hours of sleep they missed to do anything important. 4) They will always tell you how much more tired they are than you, and how much their life sucks rocks through its teeth (they _will_ quote statistics). 5) They will always find ways to "accidentally" tell you the "cool" things that they do, or the "positions of authority" that they are in e.g. "Yeah, that happened to me when I was a kid too!" (Then they try to act lost in thought...) "Let's see... that was... only _seven_ years before I became president of Alcoholics Anonymous." 6) They will always come to your parties so they can mope in public (It doesn't do any good when they're alone.) 7) They are no fun at parties. Really just about the only thing that moping is good for is maintaining a low profile at parties, or getting free food from old women. The latter use (often employed by starving and towel-less hitchhikers) being the more pleasurable of the two. If you find yourself in a situation in which moping is appropriate, mope with caution! One does not want to make it a habit. [1] Interoceter: machine featured in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie. %e *EOA* %t Chaos Theory, Definition Of %n 8R85 %s Chaos Explained %a Adam Thompson  (neith@phnx.uswest.net) %d 19970804 %e In the 1970s, the founding parents of the Chaos Theory began to manipulate non-linear equations often dealing with meteorology.  Since then Chaos Theory has found wide acceptance in all areas of science, business, and even popular culture. Chaos is formally defined as the study of complex non-linear dynamic systems.           Complex:  a multitude of variables and equations within equations.           Non-linear:  the equation cannot be solved like your program code.           Dynamic:  ever-changing, depending upon perspective. If this sounds confusing up to the point of being chaotic, yet at the same time seems to define real life, you're getting the hang of it! The pragmatic effect of Chaos is that sciences, through non-linear mapping, are better able to work together in conditions that are corrupted by living systems.  Consider two researchers, a physicist (incidentally a rabbi), and a biologist (okay.. yes he's a priest).  The rabbi is studying wild ducks' flight ability, while the priest is intrigued with wild ducks' mating habits.  Ordinarily, if these two met each other on the local pond, they would do little more than raise a few pointed theological questions. The local mathematician (a minister), however, finds a way to explain the data discrepancies the two researchers have hitherto blamed on corrupted data caused by non-laboratory conditions.  Thanks to Chaos Theory they create an equation that explains why wild duck flight patterns become more erratic (read:  erotic) during mating season.  On a side note, they could not find an equation that could incorporate all religions and/or Saturday morning cartoons. This sort of cooperation occurs every day with the help of the life-describing non-linear equation.  To the date of this edition of the guide, however, no equation has yet equaled 42. ;-) %e *EOA* %t Dirk van Deun %n 8R86 %s Field Researcher Autohagiography %a Dirk van Deun (dvandeun@poboxes.com) %d 19980420 %x Turnhout, Belgium, Europe, Earth %x Knights Of The Command Line, The %i van Deun, Dirk %i Deun, Dirk van %e Dirk van Deun, born in 1973, is a Caucasian male human who used to be a very cute baby. Now he is tall and slim, bespectacled, and perpetually in a terrible physical condition. Considering that he never wore a shirt and tie in his life, nor shaved, his personal appearance is really fairly decent. Dirk was born in Turnhout, Belgium and lived there full-time until he reached 18, performing very convincingly the classical role of the impopular smart kid, who gets high grades without trying, and can hardly wait until the time comes when school bullies turn into the people who shine your shoes, bake your hamburgers and collect your garbage. He had a few loyal friends; edited the school paper; kept boredom at bay by outsmarting his teachers; and put on a brilliant performance in the leading part of a school play without really knowing the words, although this rather confused his co-stars. At Brussels V.U.B. University he first graduated in Classical Philology, and then went on to study Computer Science, as the prospect of getting a job didn't yet appeal to him. Although avoiding boozing and initiation rites, he actually has a social life now, as on campus refusing to conform is no mortal sin. Thus he hopes to someday acquire the social skills needed to obtain a girlfriend. Dirk can play two concurrent games of Tetris with his two hands, but cannot carry a tune; he buys more books than he can ever read; founded the Order of the Knights of the Command Line; is a bleeding-hearted nigger-loving liberal; cannot dance; considers Northern Exposure the best long-running series ever made; speaks five languages but sometimes mixes them up. As for the rest, he is a militant atheist and a skilled polemist; he is kind to animals and little children although he hates them; he aspires to black-and-white film buff status; he enjoys learning but loathes examinations; reads Plato with mild amusement; is developing his own aesthetics of computer programming; and dislikes Italian food and cheese. %e *EOA* %t Y %n 8R87 %s Y, Oh Y, Oh Y %a Aaron Rice (elemental@mcmail.com) %d 19970710 %x A %x X %x Q %i Why, An Abbreviation For %i Letters: Y %k alphabet %k letter %e The twenty-fifth letter of the modern English alphabet. Popular in that it has become a simple contraction for the most famous question of all time, namely: "why?" Also popular because of its elegant appearance, and undoubted linguistic usefulness. Its bounds extend from being the letter which begins words such as "yellow", "yack", and "yolk" (several of very few), to becoming the end of a great many words, such as "wintery", "sixty", and "aerodynamically". It is also used inside words such as "dynamic" to add a little elegance, where an "I" would otherwise fester [1]. It is also used, in its lower-case form, as a symbol to represent the second axis in a coordinate system, where "x" is the first, and "z" tends to be the third. In this form, it is usually used to mean "vertical". As a symbol, it can also represent the Japanese currency (the Yen). Finally, the letter "Y" is represented by the communications code-word "Yankee" and, though perhaps for other reasons, is very popular in Wales. [1] If you're feeling particularly confident, you might also look at words such as "yesterday", where "y" begins and ends. If you are feeling creative, or have a better dictionary than I, you might even come up with a word that begins with, ends with, and has "y" in the middle. %e *EOA* %t Dubai, United Arab Emirates, Middle East, Earth %n 6R89 %s No Pork, No Vodka, But You've Got To See It %a Vladimir L. Shirokogorov (shirokogorov@sibico.msk.ru) * E-mail address is likely to change soon. %d 19970724 %x Earth %e Dubai is the most significant city of the United Arab Emirates, the trade Mecca, the pearl of the Gulf, the gates of the Middle East, and so on. Dubai was founded by the British, who still do a lot of business there. It is owned and ruled by Arabs, maintained by Pakistanis and Hindus and visited mostly by Russians. So if you arrive to Dubai you are one of the following: 1) An Arab; 2) A Briton on a business trip; 3) A Pakistani, Hindu, Iranian, Lebanese or Filipino waiting for employment; 4) A Russian on a shopping tour or a Russian who just wants to see "the hot countries". It is very suspicious if you are none of the above. The money unit used in United Arab Emirates is Dirham. The rate since 1971 has been 3.65 Dirhams per US Dollar. Big trade centres and state institutions accept only Dirhams, but small stores accept dollars and British pounds. The data concerning the population of Dubai is controversial. Some sources say it is some 100,000 persons (natives only). Some of them say it is up to one million (including all foreign labour force). The city is not yet completed, and it is hard to say when it will be. Here and there new hotels, shopping centres, office and residential buildings are erected. The city is built right in the desert. Wealthy sheikhs surround their villas with nice palm gardens, which are watered by computerised sprinkling systems, while some new buildings in Bur-Dubai are still surrounded with sand. Dubai has very little public transportation -- just a half dozen bus routes. Taxi cabs are numerous, and they differ much. City owned yellow cabs (Mercedes, Chevrolet or another big good new car with air conditioning, taximeter, driver in a uniform) are cheaper than private taxis (old Japanese cars with Pakistani drivers). Any ride in the city hardly ever costs more than 25 Dirhams. The best way of getting around Dubai is to rent a car. Rental rates are very reasonable. A Toyota Corolla can be rented at only US $33 per day and a Chevrolet Caprice at US $48 per day. Dubai is made of two parts -- Deira and Bur-Dubai -- which are separated by the Dubai Creek. To get from one side of the Creek to another you have to take either tunnel (closer to the Gulf) or one of two bridges. The roads in Dubai are excellent. To make them so, they are often mended, mostly on the weekends. So do not be afraid if you find one of the bridges closed on a weekend. The weekend in Dubai starts from Thursday twilights and lasts until Friday evening. Just take another way. You have to be a complete idiot to lose your way in Dubai. If you take the wrong way you can always turn back on one of the numerous roundabouts. The only tricky zone is old Deira with its narrow streets overstuffed with parked cars. Sometimes the cars are parked in two rows and only one lane can be used for traffic. There is practically no crime in Dubai. According to the very severe local laws, you may get your arm chopped off for theft, and get hanged for the use or storing of drugs. If the police stops you drunk at the street, you may spend several weeks in prison. But normally police hardly ever stop people to check their passports and driving licenses. Foreigners are treated friendly. Although it is a Muslim city, Dubai does its best to be cosmopolitan. There are numerous hotels in Dubai. They differ in number of stars and location. All five-star hotels (Dubai Hilton, Royal Abjar, Hyatt Regency, Chicago Beach) either stand on the sea shore or have private beach clubs. Four-star hotels are numerous and offer good number of facilities, including swimming pools. Three-star hotels, if they are not called "Apartments", can hardly be recommended, because often they have troubles with air conditioning (air is always hot), water supply (water is always hot), breakfasts (amount of food served at buffet is insufficient for number of people who want to have breakfast) and, sometimes, guests. Dubai climate is... well, what can you say of climate if it is some 40 to 45 degrees centigrade in summer, about 30 in autumn and spring and some 25 with an occasional shower in winter. (The moisture is always above 90%)? Dubai gives great possibilities for active sports and outdoor activities. Go to the shooting centre, where you can shoot still and moving targets with various weapons -- from bow to automatic rifle. Join a paintball team and paint yourself in red and green. Go yachting, ride a horse, play golf, try yourself as a falcon hunter, ride a jeep in the desert -- all these are not cheap, but affordable entertainments. Having fun in the evening is a sort of problem in Dubai. It's a Muslim world, so everything has to be modest. The nightlife (dancing parties, etc.) is almost secret. It can be found at most fashionable hotels only. The same with the drinks. Draught beer only became available in hotel bars in 1997. Bottled beer is overpriced (0.33l bottle cost over 4 US Dollars). Wine and strong alcohol are very, very, very expensive. Alcohol is served only in international hotels and totally unavailable in the city. A hint: most of the Russians always have alcohol with them; the thing is to choose the right person to make friends with. If the guy wears a golden chain heavier than 50 grams, do not try. Shopping is a real thing in Dubai. Besides modern shopping malls (like Al-Ghurair centre) with world best goods which are sold at fixed prices, there are lots of small Oriental stores and market areas. There are auto parts area, golden market, grocery markets (wholesale and retail), fish market, fabric area, home appliances area. At the end of February they have a trade festival, where they sell everything with little or no profit. Food is another great thing. Numerous restaurants of different cuisines offer the choice of food at rather low costs. A dinner for two may cost as little as 40 Dirhams, and the meals are so big, that you better order only one to avoid overstuffing. I cannot remember the names of the restaurants, since they are mostly in Oriental languages. "Golden Fork" at Al-Nasser square (which serves fried shrimp, ox tail soup, delicious steaks, etc) is definitely a must -- but try it at 6 or 7 p.m., because after 8 p.m. it is always overcrowded. The best way to relax in Dubai is to organise your day according to the following schedule (or to a similar one). Get up at 7.30 in the morning, get your breakfast (8.00--8.30), go to swimming pool (9.00--12.00; I would not advise to go to the beach, except for after the dawn, because the combination of salty water and merciless sun hurts), have lunch (12.00--1.00 p.m.), have siesta (1.00--4.00), go to swimming pool (4.00--7.00), go shopping (7.00--9.00 p.m.), have dinner (9.00--10.00 p.m.), drink at the bar (10.00--11.00 p.m.), go to bed (11.30). %e *EOA* %t Alien Invasion, The Likelihood Of %s It's The End Of The World As We Know It, Just Not Very Probable %n 8R88 %a Mark Seaborn (mseaborn@argonet.co.uk) %d 19970722 %i Invasion By Aliens, The Chance Of %i Probability Of Being Invaded By Aliens, The %x Alien Invasions, How To Fake %x Alien Identification %x Alien Elimination %x Meat, Sentient %x Earth %x Earth Defence Shield %x Opinions On UFOs %x Faking UFOs %x Area 51 %x Schroedinger's Cat %e On some occasions -- such as the ushering in of a new era with the most significant digit of the year being incremented -- a few people start to get a bit worried (a condition dubbed by some as PMT; pre-millennial tension). What they exercise their paranoia on is one of those oldest of science fiction chestnuts: that of alien invasion. If you just sit down and think rationally for a few minutes (assuming that you are capable of this), you should come to the conclusion that _it isn't very likely, now is it?_ [1] Astronomer Dr Carl Sagan worked out from some rather dubious estimates that there ought to be around 10,000,000 advanced technological civilisations in our galaxy, the Milky Way [2]. From equally dubious assumptions we can also work out the likelihood of aliens invading, say, in the next century, in a worst-case scenario. If we assume: 1) That the Earth hasn't been invaded by an alien race yet. 2) That the Earth has been around for approximately 4.5 billion years (that figure may have to be updated as this article gets older). 3) That the probability of aliens invading Earth has remained constant throughout the Earth's history. Then, as a worst case scenario, presume that aliens invade tomorrow (or some time in the next century, if they're held up by bad weather, traffic congestion, or the wrong type of interstellar hydrogen). From a total of 45 million and one centuries, we will then only have been invaded in one century. Thus the probability of being invaded in the next century is vanishingly small, at only one in 45 million [3]. The chance of an alien invasion commencing in the very minute that the year 2000 starts [4] is therefore even smaller, at about one in 2,368,000,000,000,000. [5] Sceptics might point out that the three assumptions I made earlier are wrong, which would make my estimate equally wrong. (What am I talking about? _Real_ sceptics would be arguing the same as me!) However, I can justify these three premises. For (1), there is no proof, as yet, that the Earth has ever, in its history, been invaded by outsiders (notwithstanding Nazca plain figures). That also means ignoring, for the time being, any theories that say life on Earth was of extraterrestrial origin (which might count as an invasion of sorts). However, it is probably impossible to prove that the Earth _hasn't_ been invaded at all, only that is _has_ (which it probably hasn't). Remember: absence of proof doesn't mean proof of absence. As for (2), this is an estimate made by people with more geological, astronomical and cosmological knowledge than I (say _that_ with your false teeth in). This can't be proven absolutely either, without being able to travel faster than light, which is impossible (although its impossibility cannot be proven, only extrapolated) [6]. Anyway, even if this estimate is out by several orders of magnitude, the chances of invasion are still slim. You might say that point (3) is the weak point in my argument; that the probability of an alien invasion hasn't been constant throughout our planet's life. Firstly you might point out that as any hypothetical alien race becomes more technologically advanced, the chance of them invading increases. This is true... well, probably: the aliens might become more benevolent and wise over time, but since we don't know if there _are_ any aliens out there, their existence and frame of mind are effectively random -- their quantum wave function hasn't collapsed yet, you might say. Besides, aliens aren't really going to want to invade a planet just for _us_ (what would give you that idea?). They wouldn't need to enslave us; if they had the necessary know-how to invade a planet, they could instead build a simple robot to make the tea and fetch their slippers for them. They wouldn't want the planet for its natural resources; if they've just travelled N light years to get here, expending terajoules of energy in the process, they're not going to want Earth's joules of fossil fuel energy. Conclusion ========== For those high-powered executives among you who haven't had time to read this entire article and have instead skipped straight to the conclusion, here is the bulk of the article presented in one easy-to-digest sentence: If the occurrence of alien invasions of Earth is random, Earth has not undergone alien invasion yet, and the Earth has been around for a long time, the probability of alien invasion over a small time scale is minute. So, throw away your T-shirt emblazoned with the slogan "the End of the World is Nigh", and invest in some lottery tickets! That'll give you a better chance of getting it right. [1] Conspiracy theorists might point out that this is precisely what the government wants us to think. But then, _this_ is precisely what conspiracy theorists would want us to think. (Perhaps the conspiracy theorists are hatching a conspiracy to make us believe we are being conspired against?) [2] In his book, _Cosmos_, the late Dr Sagan puts forward a formula for estimating the number of technologically advanced civilisations in our galaxy: N* x fp x ne x f1 x fi x fe x fL Where: * N* is the number of stars in our galaxy (about 400 billion); * fp is the fraction of stars with planetary systems (about 1/3); * ne is the number of planets per system that are suitable for life (about 2); * f1 is the fraction of suitable planets on which life actually arises (about 1/3); * fi is the fraction of planets containing life on which intelligent life evolved; * fe is the fraction of planets with intelligent life on which technical civilisations developed (where fi x fe =~ 1/100); and * fL is the fraction of the planet's lifetime for which the technical civilisation existed (less than 0.0000001%). This apparently comes out to 10,000,000 civilisations. (However, that's not what I get, which may be due to the fact that my source of this information is a small text file containing information regurgitated from the book. I make the number to be about 0.9 civilisations, which seems considerably more accurate, fitting in as it does with our current knowledge.) [3] However, it has been found that million-to-one chances crop up nine times out of ten. [4] Or the year 2001, if the alien race _really_ gets it right. [5] 45,000,000 x 100 x 365.25 x 24 x 60 = 2.367 x 10^15 (3 sf) [6] The basic idea is that if you could travel faster than light, you could overtake the light rays that left the Earth all those billions of years ago, and when you looked back at the Earth, you would see what was going on down there all that time ago (so long as you had a really powerful telescope with you as well). It's not very easy though, folks. %e *EOA* %t South Park %n 13R4 %s Oh My God, They Killed Kenny! %a John Murphy (john@megadodo.com) %d 19980219 %i Cartoon: South Park %i Humour, American: South Park %i South Park, Colorado, USA, Earth %x Beavis And Butthead %k television %k cartoon %k humour %e "Oh, my God! They killed Kenny! You bastards!" Sound familiar? It should. This now-famous catch-phrase is from the Comedy Central show, _South Park_, the brainchild of animators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. The animation? Crude. The language? Cruder. The humor? Brilliant. Made to look like cut-paper animation (it actually takes some fancy computer equipment and a lot of free time), the show chronicles the lives of four third graders in the small Colorado town of South Park. Stan, a fairly nondescript kid in a red and blue hat, has an evil sister, a gay dog [1] and a crush on Wendy Testaburger (he throws up whenever she talks to him). Kyle, the kid in the green hat with flaps, is Jewish, talks to Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo [2], and is the protagonist of sorts. Cartman is the fat kid, who has been abducted by aliens, given an anal probe, almost been on TV with Kathie Lee Gifford, and delights in tormenting those less rotund than he. Lastly is Kenny, the kid in the hood who is completely incomprehensible [4] and who dies in nearly every episode. Those children of the seventies will undoubtedly recognize the Oscar-winning voice of Isaac Hayes behind the school's chef. This rotund culinary master is always prepared to help out his "little crackers" with a helping of Salisbury Steak, and a wildly inappropriate, sexually-oriented song. It all started with a video Christmas card, "The Spirit of Christmas". In this delightful holiday tale, Jesus and Santa Claus go at it, Mortal Kombat-style, taking out half the neighborhood kids and setting the stage for Kenny's recurring death. The dispute is settled by Brian Boitano [5], and the (remaining) kids realize the true Spirit of Christmas: presents. This video, a rather large MPEG, was kicked around on the Internet, developing a cult following, and was finally picked up by Comedy Central, who has since commissioned at least 13 episodes. This is, of course, in addition to commercials [6] and the natural appearance on The Tonight Show, in which Jay Leno kills Kenny. Despite being chock-full of obscenities, atrocities and the occasional blasphemy, or perhaps because of them, the show manages to be both hilarious and thought-provoking. Episodes poke fun at UFO enthusiasts, genetic engineers, sports commentators, teachers, political correctness, hunting, Sally Struthers, and damn near anything they can think of. It's only a matter of time, one thinks, before Cartman eats an entire Sacred Cow. The jokes range from the token flatulence and sex jokes to rather sophisticated humor. In fact, one recent episode was entirely devoted to a duo of walking fart jokes in a "movie" entitled, "Not Without My Anus." It's like having Beavis and Butthead sit in on The Simpsons. Like any cult classic, _South Park_ episodes lend themselves to being watched over and over. Every time you watch an episode, you notice something different, including what Mr. Garrison, the kids' teacher, writes on the blackboard, and other such details that give the show a real masterful touch. And of course, it all goes to show: Kids say the darndest things. _South Park_ airs at 10pm EST Wednesday night and Saturday night on Comedy Central in the United States. Those in the UK may be able to tune into Channel 4 on the Friday night cartoon slot, although of course this information may well be out of date by the time you read this. [1] Played by none other than George Clooney, star of _ER_, _Batman and Robin_, _From Dusk 'Til Dawn_, and not much else. [2] Don't ask. [3] [3] Seriously. Don't ask. [4] Something akin to a cult following has been trying to determine what Kenny is actually saying. Most of what they have conjectured is unfit for print, but it makes one wonder... [7] [5] Yes, the skater. [6] Kenny and Kyle appeared in a commercial for Magic: The Gathering, in which Kenny reportedly said something nasty about the game. [7] In a recent edition of TV Guide, the show's creators confirmed that Kenny's ramblings, if understandable, would be censor-food. %e *EOA* %t Morrison, Paul Fraser %n 8R89 %s The Brief Version %a Paul Morrison (pfm@iafrica.com) %d 19980417 %x Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa, Earth %x Elephants, How To Avoid Charging %e Paul Morrison was born on 31 January 1977. This was a totally unremarkable event as far as the grand scheme of things is concerned, but for obvious reasons this date holds some rather sentimental value for him. His boringly normal upbringing has left him with absolutely no mental disturbances, closeted skeletons, or any other features which would make for a good article or two. He is most unimpressed with this situation, and feels that a dysfunctional family would have done wonders for his writing career, as well as make him seem interesting and colourful. Alas, one can not have things entirely one's own way. Having been born in Cape Town, South Africa, and having lived there his entire life, he feels that he is perfectly qualified to write articles with a South African flair. Whether or not articles with a South African flair are a Good Thing to have in the Guide has yet to be determined. Paul is currently studying for his degree in Information Technology. This, he hopes, will enable him to earn lots of cash in a good job, but he has not yet totally abandoned his plans of winning millions in the lottery, or finding oil in his back garden. These, he feels, are not unreasonable goals, but he must admit that the derision with which his peers consider his plans does occasionally cause him some doubt. Writing about himself in the third person makes him very uncomfortable, which is why this article finishes at this point. %e *EOA* %t Creating A Religion, The Art Of %n 6R90 %s Cheese Gods %a Matt Baier (geiiga42@forpresident.com) %d 19980905 %i Religion, The Art Of Creating A %i Art Of Creating A Religion, The %i Guddha, God Of Cheese And Prophet Of Teh Geat Gpd Tpyo %i Gods, Cheese %i Cheese Gods %x Classification Of Religions %x Krishna And Rama %x Mathematical Model Of God And Jesus %x Cheese %e The world is full of religions. They all say something different, even the nine hundred fifty-one different denominations of the Christian church (denominations having been formed by a difference of opinion concerning drinking vessels). As a result, some are going to be false. Most state that those who don't believe what they have to say will end up doing something unpleasant for all eternity, and since there's no real proof that any religion is true or not, scaring people is an effective method of conversion [1]. Since no religion can be proven, and people are gullible, it becomes easy to start one for your very own. This is fairly easy to do, provided you have some writing skill, a lot of charisma, and the ability to look straight into the eyes of people and lie through your teeth. One of the more important things required is some sort of religious writing. This should be very long and start with a creation theory. After a while, a moral code should be set down. It should also be long, and dull enough that only a zealot would bother reading through it. After that, some stories about how people who followed your moral code were blessed and people who didn't died horribly. You also need a main religious character. He can be a physical manifestation of your god, or a prophet, or maybe just some guy who sat on a rock and didn't use proper grammar. He should also be completely separate from you, the founder of the religion. You have to make this character seem inhumanly wise, or do something to make him the best at something and worth worshipping, if you want anyone else to join in the religion with you. So let's say your religion's based on Guddha. Write a long book about the life of Guddha, and fill it with cheese references. Make your disciples sacrifice expensive cheese two times a year. The full name of Guddha ends up as `Guddha, God of Cheese and Propht of teh Geat Gpd Tpyo'. You end up as Guddha's prophet, high priest, and treasurer. To lure people into your place of worship, offer samples of cheeses on streetcorners and hand out pamphlets promising `Peace and Promiscuity'. After you get a reasonably large base of followers, you should move to Montana and begin stockpiling automatic weapons to prepare for the end of the world. Announce that you have achieved enlightenment, appoint a new high priest, and wander out, ostensibly to `think about things'. Then take the money and run. [1] So is subtracting 32 and multiplying by 5/9, but that's a completely different sort of thing. %e *EOA* %t American Professional Wrestling, Theory Of %n 13R5 %s Prepare To Be Confused %a JuggyNot (JuggyNot@aol.com) %d 19970921 %i Professional Wrestling, Theory Of American %i Theory Of American Professional Wrestling %i Wrestling, Theory Of American Professional %k referee %e On the whole, professional wrestling, though quite entertaining and brutally violent, has turned into a hobby of a limited audience; namely drunken white trash [1]. Bear in mind, this is still quite a large audience, but such focus excludes several otherwise adoring fans. Why are people so eager to plop down in front of the set and watch two ballerinas punch and kick the air directly in front of (sometimes quite a few feet to the side of) someone's face? Because of the reactions caused, of course. 1) For one, the other "wrestler" winces in mock pain and sometimes screams some obscenity. 2) Secondly, the commentators will exclaim "Goodness gracious!" or "Wrestler X sure is takin' a wallopin'" in a pseudo-Texas accent. 3) Thirdly, the audience, if not out buying cotton candy or giant foam hands, will yell, in stereo mind you, "OH!" Sometimes, particularly if one of the wrestlers is being "beaten" in the corner, the audience will spontaneously, and of its own volition, count. Traditionally, the audience counts along with the "punches" being delivered which usually amounts to 10 "punches." When the number either exceeds or falls short of ten, however, the maddened audience becomes confused. Most will keep counting to about 8 full seconds after the barrage of "punches" has stopped. In some federations of wrestling, it is customary to buy 5 U.S. dollars worth of soda only to heave it, and the cup containing it, at the combatants. Here, it becomes painfully obvious that the wrestlers are trained for just such a situation, as they will never react to being smeared with such soft drinks. 4) Fourthly, and most often overlooked, is the referee's reaction. The ref will either make a futile attempt to reprimand the wrestler delivering the punch (most often by reproducing the offensive manoeuvre in mid-air), will wince himself in mock surprise (as if he doesn't see a bodyslam every other night), or be spontaneously knocked unconscious. The latter of these phenomena is outrageously hilarious. The reaction of this is the same as those listed above. This is where it gets confusing. Reactions causing counter-reactions which will likely set off a chain reaction of events that will undoubtedly end the match in some unfair fashion, causing some wrestler to get a shiny oversized belt. For instance, say a ref was slightly tapped by Monster KahunaMokka, the challenger to the belt. The ref is, of course, knocked cold. Now, fate chooses one of the four aforementioned reactions to occur. If (1) occurs, he is made to look quite foolish, as the ref was the one knocked unconcious, and not him. (2) is the most common reaction, the common statement being a calm retort of, "Well, there goes the ref." Of course, in any other refereed sport, like boxing or tennis, a KO'd ref would make headlines the following morning. (3) very infrequently occurs in this instance, as the ref does not draw any sympathy from the crowd. If anything, the crowd will give a feeble cheer at the demise of an official. They are, after all, drunken white trash. Why is this? It is simply because the referee is already in the ring when the wrestlers arrive. If the referee got theme music or fancy tights, he might get a tiny bit of respect. Now, we get to counter-reaction (4), which can be dangerous in this situation. A knocked out ref can, in theory, still reprimand a wrestler. "How?" you may ask. Through karma, of course. Very rarely, a wrestler charging his dazed opponent with a chair will trip over the inert body of the referee, causing all sorts of reactions and thereby counter-reactions. A KO'd ref can wince too, though it is often independent of the wrestlers' reactions and looks very much like a twitch. Finally, and here's the tough part to grasp, a KO'd ref _can_ be KO'd. A ref getting up from previously being KO'd is still considered KO'd as he is not able to officiate. Upon his first recovery attempt, it is preordained that the referee will be bumped into or slugged again. Thus, the referee has been knocked out twice. All of these counter-reactions, of course, cause more reactions, counter-counter-reactions as it were. This is far too complex to go into here. One question remains: If this article has utterly confused you, which it undoubtedly has, why is wrestling a "sport" for drunken white trash? The world may never know... [1] `What is ``drunken white trash''?' asked Alex McLintock when this article came up for discussion. `Is this some American term which means something to Americans but not Europeans? Is it safe to use in polite company?' Robert A. Uhl ([MAILTO uhl@red.netexas.net]) answered this as follows: `If there were such a thing as polite company, no. But it's a phrase used even by James Carville (an associate of Pres. Clinton). `White trash are the poor white people, generally from the rural South, whom everyone looks down on. They are the ones who are featured on the various talk shows (next week on Springer: I'm Dating a Black Man But My KKK Grand Dragon Father Objects). They are viewed as drunkards, dirty, superstitious, ignorant and illiterate (much the way the Irish were viewed last century in the US and, I believe, the UK). `Of course, the reality is quite different. Most poor rural white Southerners are no different from people anywhere, save that they are pretty well-nigh universally looked down upon and are aware of the fact. I tend to feel sorry for them; they don't deserve the disdain they get. 'Course, it doesn't help that they keep on trying to get ``creation science'' admitted into the school system... `To answer your question, though: it's a phrase which most Americans (esp. the Yankee and coastal elites) would not hesitate to use, although it is rather offensive.' %e *EOA* %t Theatre %n 9R33 %s Playgoing For The Culturally Declined %a John Murphy (JMurph10@wvu.edu) %d 19970911 %x Play: A Midsummer Night's Dream %x Play: Hamlet %x Play: Richard III %k Plays %k Greeks %k Theatre %k History %e Few things are both as enjoyable and culturally enriching as a night at the theatre. Or so they tell me. After all, the average person considers a "night at the theatre" to be taking in the newest Jean-Claude van Damme flick and maybe stopping at McDonald's on the way. Surprisingly, however, the theatre really is a fascinating way to spend one's time, and only minimal ammunition is needed in order to prepare oneself. This article should give you a basic background in theatre, let you in on some of the little tidbits that make life interesting, aid you in planning your "night on the town," and help you make the most of your experience. Background ========== History ------- First things first. If you're going to learn about theatre, the best place to start is where theatre itself started. Theatre began, much like damn near everything in Western society, with the Ancient Greeks. It began, not so much as a performance, but as an excuse for getting drunk and being devout. The two concepts are not so irreconcilable, considering that drama began as worshippers of Dionysus, the God of Wine, would get drunk and act out various religious stories [1]. Somewhere along the line, someone called Thespe [2] became involved and, sooner or later, the whole thing became somewhat organized. At this point, however, theatre was in a somewhat primitive state. The actors would stand on stage, wearing large masks showing who they were supposed to be and what emotion they were in [3]. The main part of the plot would be supplied, not by the actor's lines, or dialogue, but by a group of people called the Chorus, who would chant large sections of story to the audience. At this point, too, we begin to see the emergence of the script, a written record of what the actors were supposed to be saying [5]. Further, with the emergence of the drama competition, we see the first major playwrights, including Sophocles, who wrote the famous play, Oedipus Rex [6]. Drama is also divided into the classifications of "Tragedy" and "Comedy." Comedy isn't humor in this context, but rather any play where not everybody ends up maimed or dead. A good rule of thumb is that if you want to take a cyanide pill with your popcorn, you're not watching a comedy. After the fall of the Greeks, precious little occurs with the theatre for a long time. During the Roman Empire, everyone mimicked the Greeks, and a large number of Roman playwrights did little-to-no experimentation with the art, before going on to die. Nobody misses them. During the Middle Ages, we see the emergence of morality plays, of which Everyman was one. Middle Age drama was generally very bad, as there were very few professional actors or playwrights, and the wine was poisoned [7]. Nobody misses them much either. Along comes the Renaissance, and people like Christopher Marlowe, Ben Jonson and, most notably, William Shakespeare. Shakespeare alone has influenced modern theatre more than anyone else, using such techniques as blank verse [8], soliloquy [9], and good writing. These playwrights veer away from religion as a central theme, although they often used religious and mythological themes. Often, as in Shakespeare's _Richard III_ and Marlowe's _Tambourlaine the Great_, historical fact is used as a basis for plot [10]. Around this time, too, opera develops. It only reaches a quasi-modern form with Mozart, a century or so later, but at least it's there. The last major historical period to talk about takes place around and about the two world wars, and the development of absurdist theatre. We get people like Samuel Beckett, Henrik Ibsen, and Anton Chekhov, all of whom tended to look at the real world and smirk. At this point, it's every man for himself, look out below, nobody here but us weirdoes. In other words, Here There Be Tygers. Planning A Theatre Trip ======================= So, now that you've decided to go see some play, you need to have a basic plan. The following guide should help you prepare for both the evening and the play itself. Choosing A Play --------------- First, you need to choose a play. If you live in the middle of nowhere, then there's usually not much option: you watch whatever's playing. If there's nothing playing nearby, then things get complicated, and you generally have to go to the closest big city to see anything. If this is required, try and get at least one copy of the city's best newspaper, not more than two weeks in advance. A few decisions need to be made. How professional an effort do you want to watch? A professional, star-studded play or musical is generally top quality, but will generally run you between twenty and a hundred dollars American, depending on your seats. Premieres, or the first performances of a play, can require selling organs and are generally not worth the effort and/or price involved. Performances by the Royal Shakespeare Company and Andrew Lloyd Webber's Really Useful Company are really the only exceptions to this rule and, besides, they don't _always_ cost an arm and a leg. Thus, an amateur play is often the way to go. At this point, you have to decide how amateur is acceptable. In an academic community, it isn't unusual to have a number of moderate-to-high quality plays going on at any given time. The only big minus is that there are often very few performances, so you have to really plan in advance. Further, the variety, or rather the lack thereof, can be excruciating in a college without a substantial theatre department. On the other hand, tickets for such plays rarely exceed twenty dollars American. If you're really desperate, you might be able to find a high school play. As a general rule, don't expect brilliant acting, or brilliant scenery. Of course, some high schools have long-running, respectable theatre programs, so you really have to just check into them. Just keep in mind that while some high schools have fantastic budgets, there is no guarantee on the acting. Trust me. Expect to spend between five and ten dollars American, and to be forced into cramped, graffiti-covered seats. What Kind Of Play Is This? -------------------------- Before you buy tickets, you should also try to find out what kind of play you want to see. If the selection is limited to only a few plays, you don't have the luxury of choice, so we'll assume that you're in New York, London, Paris, or any other community with a wide variety. There are a number of basic types, each with its pros and cons. Each type also involves a different amount of preparation, and a different evening. 1) Tragedy: in modern parlance, anything with a sad ending, generally involving a death of some sort, often suicide. Read: depressing. Also not such a hot idea for a first date. On the other hand, they tend to be rather thought-provoking, and often have involved plots. No real preparation is required for viewing a tragedy, although it is occasionally a good idea to have a passing familiarity with the plot. It's your call on this one, since you can get along quite well without it. On a date, dinner is acceptable, but not recommended, and never right after the play. McDonald's is out of the question. Expect subdued conversation with tinges of depression, and plan accordingly. 2) Comedy: today, anything with a laugh. Tends to be light-hearted, entertaining, etcetera, and very little preparation is necessary. In fact, just make sure that the clothes that you're wearing didn't cost less than your ticket and you're all set. Dinner isn't necessary, and I personally recommend going to a coffee shop or snack bar directly afterwards to talk and have a little to eat. Conversation doesn't always include the performance, but it's a safe bet that it will. 3) Shakespearean Drama: whether tragedy or comedy, some preparation is required. The best advice I can give is to be familiar with the plot before attending, and if possible, to have read it once. Try to not to go to anything you only read in high school English class, and while we're on the subject, if it's being performed by a high school, avoid it like the plague. There's a reason that the term, "High School Shakespeare" is both well-known and infamous. Stick to reputable Troupes or colleges and you'll be fine. Ticket price is no indication of a good performance, although Royal Shakespeare Company is always a safe bet, and Shakespeare festivals are often fun, but get your seats well in advance. If you bring a date, bring one with a clue, and it might be wise for him or her to prepare to the same extent you do. Otherwise, one or both of you will be miserable. In short, Shakespearean theatre can be a lot of work, but it is nearly always a worthwhile experience. See above suggestions for dinner. 4) Absurdist Theatre: know the play beforehand, and don't expect to understand it, particularly if the title contains the words, "Waiting," "For," and "Godot." If you bring a date, resist the temptation to talk during the performance. I don't care if the people around you _are_ shouting, "Bravo," "Author," and "Encore," you don't want to know those people. Go to dinner before the play, but have dessert afterwards. It's like a reward, in a Pavlovian sort of way. Besides, it's a nice distraction from what you just sat through. 5) Opera: don't expect English. There were all of three or four well-written English operas, and it's rare to find those in production. Content yourself to being well-versed with the basic plot, perhaps with a little light research beforehand. Dressing up is sometimes a nice idea, but not always necessary. No jeans, though. Dinner is up to you. 6) Musical Theatre: almost always a comedy, although _Phantom of the Opera_, _Les Miserables_, and _Miss Saigon_ are notable exceptions. If it's by Rogers and Hammerstein, Gilbert and Sullivan, or Andrew Lloyd Webber, expect a lot of fun, vapid music and snappy dialogue, and an evening not unlike swallowing a balloon - an interesting experience, but not one that leaves you wholly satisfied. Dinner's a nice touch, and just about anyone who can stand the music will be game for an evening at a musical. When somebody refers to Broadway as a type of performance, they are talking about musical theatre. Under no circumstances are you to admit to a theatre critic that you just came from a musical, especially the type of critic who dresses like a flood victim. These can get nasty and start ranting about how Broadway musicals are killing Broadway. For the record, I have nothing against musicals but, please, no Andrew Lloyd Webber. 7) Kabuki: Japanese opera. A lot of long hair, with little change for centuries. To be honest, I have almost no experience with Kabuki, but am told that it can be exquisite. It's your call. 8) Experimental Theatre: you're up past your bedtime. Enjoying The Performance ======================== The key to having a good time at any play, is knowing what's going on. For most plays, this is not a problem, but for a few, it's not difficult to get lost. Here are a few tips to keeping up, along with a few things to watch for. * Read the play beforehand: yes, I've said this before, but I'll say it again. Even having read it once causes certain phrases and certain actions to jog your memory during the performance. Further, many of my other suggestions rely on having done this. If you don't want to know the ending, sometimes you can get away with not reading the entire thing. * Remember the characters' names: often, a major source of confusion during a play comes from not understanding who is being referred to in the dialogue, forgetting characters' names can be very frustrating. If you have difficulty doing this during the play, plan ahead and read the plot, or at least the first act. * Discuss the play during intermission: don't be afraid to ask questions of the people you bring along. If you're expecting trouble, then bring people along who at least won't be more clueless than you. Even equally clueless people can sometimes notice helpful things. Keep in mind, though, that intermission is generally only between ten and fifteen minutes long, so plan accordingly. Also, don't buy refreshments, particularly not liquid refreshments. One-act plays do not have intermissions. Be warned. * Buy a program: optimistically, the list of names and scenes (and, in a musical, songs) might jog your memory. Pessimistically, they often have nice pictures and advertisements. * Know what to expect: talk about the play beforehand with someone who has seen it. Ask in particular about important scenes, funny and striking lines, and turning points in the plot. Remember, familiarity can be a good thing. * Relax! After all, it's not like any lives hang in the balance, and even if they do, it depends on whose they are. Just sit back, watch all those funny-looking people up on stage, and clap when everybody else does. If anybody asks what your favorite part was, just shrug and change the subject. [1] These are the same festivals where women would get roaring drunk and tear apart woodland creatures with their teeth. [2] After whom Thespians, or actors, are named. [3] These masks often contained mini megaphones [4] in the mouthpiece so that the actor's voice could be amplified. [4] I suppose that would make them "phones," wouldn't it? [5] The involvement of alcohol hadn't been entirely taken out of theatre yet. For that matter, it still hasn't. [6] Meaning, "Swollen-Foot the King," Oedipus is about a guy who unwittingly kills his father and marries his mother. The play takes place as he finds all this out. Fun, fun, fun. [7] This is actually true. Way back in the Roman Empire, people noticed that wine tastes better when prepared a certain way. This certain way happened to involve boiling it in a lead kettle, and the dissolved lead made the wine sweeter. This is why children eat lead paint, and why large numbers of European nobility and artsy-types got lead poisoning. [8] Blank verse is sort of like poetry in the way an actor's lines are divided into separate lines, and that the syllables in a line alternate on a definite pattern of stress, non-stress, stress, non-stress, etc. Remarkably, when blank verse is read aloud onstage, it sounds more natural than normal speech. [9] Essentially, when a character stands talking to himself for a long period of time and nobody else onstage notices. When the character only makes a comment or two, it is called an aside. The important concept here is that none of the other characters hear him. [10] Do not, however, fall into the trap as accepting everything they say as real history. It's not. %e *EOA* %t Amsterdam, Noord-Holland, Netherlands, Earth, Things To Do In %a Daniel Oberski (daob@dds.nl) %n 6R91 %d 19980413 %s An In-depth Guide To The Hoopiest Place On Earth %x Amsterdam, Noord-Holland, Netherlands, Earth %x Netherlands, Earth %x Netherlands, Earth, A Native Writes About The %x Weather In The Netherlands %e Getting to Amsterdam shouldn't be a problem. You can get there by boat, ferry, train, plane, hitch-hike (both the Netherlands and Germany are excellent hiking countries, probably the best in the world) or spaceship (try to land in a park; everybody will think it's just some new objet d'art). The problem is: how do you make optimal usage of your stay in the hoopiest city of the world? Here are some tips to help you on your way... When the sun is coming up ------------------------- If your body is screaming "AARRRGHH! I've been awake for the past 36 hours, and I can't take it anymore, I just can't take it!!" at you, it might be a good idea to return to your (youth) ho(s)tel and get some sleep. Otherwise, the morning is a good time to do all the touristy things, because tourists tend to have breakfast until about 10:30 in the morning. * If it's *really* early, you could try to absorb some culture and hit a museum. If you are lucky, you just might be able to sneak past the guard when they're opening the museum. Otherwise just show your student pass and get lots of discount. If it's late, say 11:30 a.m., don't bother going to a museum unless you like queues. _Long_ queues. * The morning is also a very good time to eat and drink. If you have enough money, go to a supermarket. The leading and also most expensive chain is called "Albert Hein" or "AH" for short. Your best bet is the one behind the Dam (just get in a streetcar ("tram"), ask the conductor if he's going there, and 90% of the time he'll say yes), opposite the "Magna Plaza" and Virgin. * If you have little to no money at all and you could pass for a student, you can get incredibly cheap and surprisingly good food at the "Atrium", the Amsterdam University restaurant, which is situated on the Kloveniersburgwal. If you're lucky, you can get a student to borrow you his/her student card and get a discount (also a good way to meet people). Neat, huh. When the sun is high in the sky ------------------------------- (or when it should be but you're not sure because it's obscured by dark almost black rainclouds [1]) Ahhhh... you've had your culture, you've had your coffee: now it's time for some serious exploring! * If you don't already have a map, get one. The best ones are the mid-sized books that are easy to search and you don't need a football field for to unfold. Alternatively, if you're running low on funds, go to the "AUB" office on the Leidseplein, and ask if they have an "Amsterdam in One" booklet left; they usually do, and it's usually free, because it's completely full of ads. This contains an OK map with index. * If you want to go 'shopping', or even actually buy something, here are some stores etc: * Magna Plaza (mentioned before): Lots of expensive clothes, Virgin record store (free listening to music). * Kalverstraat: *The* shopping street of Amsterdam. Again, lots of clothes, but also other nice shops, including the American Book Center where they sell Douglas Adams on large scales (whee). * Kalvertoren: "Toren" means "tower" and this is completely inaccurate, as the kalvertoren is a shopping mall in the kalverstraat. Check it out anyway. * If you're a record freak, you can get extremely cheap and sometimes rare records of all kinds at "Distortion", Westerstraat, "Record Palace", Weteringschans 33 (near Leidseplein), and "Concerto", Utrechtsestraat. * "Coffee" shops: Do I need to tell you what you can buy here? Not really. Avoid the conspicuous ones near the centre, as they are often expensive and sell crap. 12 guilders for a gram of weed is about normal. Please note that softdrugs are not exactly *legal*: that is, you may have up to about 10 grams in your posession if you're over 18. It's illegal to sell softdrugs unless you own a coffee shop, and if you start causing trouble, it's completely legal for the cops to throw you in jail, even if you stick to these rules. In practice, you can walk around even if you're a 15-year-old selling 50 gram bags on the street, but it's always a good idea anyway to remember these rules. * Explore! Look for the touristy sites in your travel guide (if you have one). Amsterdam is a great city to walk around in. If you are tired go to the Vondelpark and relax. Never be afraid to ask natives for directions; they almost always speak English, and are very friendly as long as you are. The sun machine is coming down... --------------------------------- You think had a great day? Are you preparing to get a good night's sleep after an exilirating but tiring day? Forget it. Your day is just beginning... * Amsterdam is full of "movie houses"; inexpensive cinemas, where you can begin the evening well with a nice movie (don't worry about the language: most movies are shown in English with Dutch subtitles). * Drink/smoke: If you choose to intoxicate yourself this evening (not a bad idea), it's best to choose between alcohol and marihuana; one or two lagers won't hurt you, but if you're stoned, it's a bad idea to start on the spirits, unless you're writing an essay for the guide on the inside of toilet seats around the world. NEVER MIX DRUGS. This is not only unpleasant, but can also be very dangerous, especially if you take alcohol and some other hard drug like XTC. * Dancing: An extremely good idea, and a great way to meet other beings. Some good places are: * Dansen bij Jansen, Handboogstraat: Cafe/discoteque, ideal if you're looking to meet someone of the opposite sex * Odeon, singel 460: Student disco. All kinds of music. Inexpensive. * Melkweg (Milky Way), behind the Stadsschouwburg on the Leidseplein. They usually have some band until about midnight, then the party starts: hiphop, house, jungle. Somewhat expensive. * Paradiso, opposite Record palace, next to the Leidseplein. Like the Milky Way, but they only have a disco when there is a specific party. * Mazzo, Rozengracht 114: Trendy discoteque. House, house, triphop, hiphop, garage, ambient, house. * Korsakoff, Lijbaansgracht 161: Cafe with a dancefloor. Lots of alternative music (e.g. grunge, metal, hiphop). * IT, Amstelstraat 24: Generally a bad idea. Officially a gay disco, but the public is mostly insane, and more important, sexually frustrated; don't be surprised by, shall we say, extreme outfits. Stand by the entrance with a camera for really shocking photographs of Amsterdam. [2] * Roxy, singel 465: Only if you like jungle/drum&bass and only on Sunday. The rest of the week it's bad disco where It-people come to cool down for a bit. When going out, bear in mind that the streetcars only ride until about 1AM! This is one of the reasons why it's a good idea (especially if you plan to stay longer) to rent a bike. This is inexpensive, doubly so if you planned to actually pay for riding the streetcars, and much more convient then that endless waiting for the tram. Don't worry about your safety: everyone in Amsterdam rides a bicycle, and car drivers are used to paying attention to clumsy tourists on bikes. What you should worry about, however, is the safety of your bike; always lock it well with at least 2 locks, preferably to a tree or railing. Never put your bike unattached near water; your bike wouldn't be the first one to explore the wonders of being 10 kilos of iron in a canal. Epilogue -------- This should be enough information for an extremely hoopy time in Amsterdam. If you have any questions or suggestions, you can email me at [MAILTO daob@dds.nl]. See you around! [1] Did I tell you to never forget your umbrella? [2] Roel van der Meulen adds, on 1st July 1999: However, a few days ago it has burnt down, as a celebration for one of the recently deceased owners or something. Let me rephrase that. A man died. There was a goodbye party to, well, kinda say goodbye. There was the ingenious idea of lighting fireworks indoors. There was the end result. %e *EOA* %t Crowded Bus, Things To Do In A %n 8R90 %s Top Ten Fun Things To Do In A Crowded Bus %a P. Giglio (reptile@id-base.com) %d 19980228 %x Elevators, Fifty Fun Things To Do In %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %x Top Ten Traveling Songs %x Train Journeys, Ten Ways to Liven Up %x Top Twenty-Six Ways To Kill Time %e You are going home in a crowded bus. What can you do to break the rut? Here is the Top Ten list of fun things to do in a crowded bus. 1) Pick a random person of the opposite sex. She/he should be almost completely out of range from your vision, so you can turn with absolutely no discretion and look at her/him one time or another [1]. 2) Start making guttural sounds. Loudly. 3) Talk to yourself. How your day was, how you got rid of your ingrown toenail, whatever. 4) If you are carrying many things, start juggling them. Be it oranges, knives, pencils or fire extinguishers. 5) If you are alone, start a sing-along. It is good social presence for you. 6) Start a meaningless discussion about anything at all with the driver. 7) Toss papers with the word "turn" written on both sides... to several people. 8) Sell candy and make a very convincing `emergency-exit' speech, as it is done in airplanes. (No, I mean it!) 9) Practise that last dance you've learned with your friends at work. 10) Write stupid lists about anything at all. Following these hints will surely make your everyday commuting much healthier and innovative. [1] "One time or another" equals "twice a minute". %e *EOA* %t Nostalgia %n 8R91 %s I Remember When A Spoon Was A Real Spoon %a Aaron Rice (elemental@mcmail.com) %d 19970710 %x Cool Camping %x The 1970s Revival, Just Outside Watford, England, UK, Earth * %x Time Travel %i Past, Yearning For The %i Reminiscence, The Art Of %k nostalgia %k memory %k time %k reflection %k reminiscence %k progress %e Nostalgia is the irrational longing for events or times past, and is often the main reason why some people have no concept of progress [1]. Indeed, nostalgia can be said to be a symptom of progress. It is based on the fact that things are never as good as they were -- or, more truthfully, that things are never as good as you remember them to be. The problem is that concepts such as "better" and "worse" also tend to be subjective. They are based on so many independent variables that they lose all meaning in most conversation, and now mean little more than they would with the addition of: "in my opinion". In fact, if you ask someone to think about any two concepts enough, they are likely to change their mind, perhaps several times. Many people now long for the days past when "life was easier". Well, pausing briefly to wonder about the true horror of the two world wars, you can't help but question the basis on which someone might place such a statement. And further, during the days of the war, people must have looked back and wished for earlier days, and further, and further. You have to ask if anyone enjoys anything while it's there, or if you never know what you've got until it's gone. The only thing that is likely to quash mass-nostalgia is an ability to travel in time. In that event, one could travel back to the time they yearn for, and relive the times they miss (or missed). Unfortunately, this may lead to a further longing for other times gone by, and you start the whole cycle off again. Is that all? They don't write articles like they used to... [1] Or a bad one. That's not to say that all "progress" is good. %e *EOA* %t Languages: Spanish, A Primer %n 9R34 %s A Quick Guide To Speaking Spanish %a Nicholas Gurley (neg@bigfoot.com) %d 19971230 %x Castelle Comte Mal, Palma, Spain, Earth %x Pamplona, Spain, Earth %i Spanish, A Lauguage Primer %i Primers: Spanish Language %i Speaking Spanish %k Spanish %k Language %k Speaking %k Writing %k Learning %e The Spanish language is a Romance language, which means it sounds very much like French and Italian. Actually, it sounds a lot like Italian, and very little like French. It is a direct descendent of Latin, and follows the same backwards [1] sentence structure. This quick primer is meant only as a way for Field Researchers to quickly and easily voice their concerns and needs while in a Spanish speaking country, while hopefully hunting for someone who speaks a language that the Hitchhiker is more fluent in (for example, English). This article will utilize basic dialogs, a few quick vocab words, and cut-and-paste sentences [2]. Some quick rules on accenting things in plain text: 1) Putting a "/" after a letter is an accent mark (example: "a/"). 2) Putting a "~" after a letter means to put it over that letter (example: "n~"). When pronouncing Spanish, remember back to your old Spanish classes. It all sounds about the same as English, but the vowels are a bit different: a=ah, e=ay, i=ee, o=oh, u=uu. To really do well, relax your jaw. Double-r's are to be rolled, and double-l's are pronounced like a 'y'. NOTE: Not to worry, all of this is correct. The author has been learning this language for over three years, and while he's not yet fluent, he's probably on the home stretch. If, however, you find a mistake, alert him, and he will fix it. English ------- Dick: Hello. How are you today? Jane: Fine, thanks. And yourself? Dick: I'm a bit tired, and I need some help. Jane: I'll help you. What do you need? Dick: Where is the bathroom? Jane (pointing): Over there. Dick: Thank you. Where can I buy some food? Jane: You're welcome... Oh, over there, at that restaurant. Dick: Thanks again! I have to go now, but thank you. Jane: It was nothing! Good bye! Dick: Bye! Spanish ------- Dick: Hola. Como esta? Jane: Bien, gracias. Y Usted? Dick: Estoy cansado, y necesito ayuda. Jane: Te ayudare/. Que necesitas? Dick: Donde esta/ el ban~o, por favor? Jane: Alli/. Dick: Gracias. Donde puedo comprar una comida? Jane: De nada... Oh, alli, en ese restaurante. Dick: Gracias! Tengo que ir, y gracias! Jane: De nada! Adios! Dick: Adios! Important Vocab --------------- the/a bathroom el/un ban~o the/a restaurant el/un restaurante the/a telephone el/un telefono help ayuda money dinero police policia Project Galactic Guide gui/a del proyecto gala/ctico Cut and Paste ------------- I need Necesito I need help Necesito ayuda. Where is Donde esta/ Where is the restaurant Donde esta/ el restaurante? Do you have Tiene Do you have a telephone Tiene un telefono? I do not have No tengo . I do not have it No lo tengo. I do not understand No entiendo. Do you speak English? Habla ingles? Do you speak French? Habla frances? Do you speak German? Habla ale/man? Do you understand English? Entiende ingles? Do you understand French? Entiende frances? Do you understand German? Entiende ale/man? I do not speak No hablo . Well, hopefully, that will help you out in your travels through a Spanish country. If you want more information, Spanish classes are always being offered everywhere in the world, and there are a large number of 'Learn Spanish Now!' books everywhere. Good luck! [1] In Spanish, when you say "I asked the man for the telephone", it is effectively set up like this: "Him I asked the phone the man." Needless to say, it takes some getting used to. [2] A cut and paste sentence is just that: it offers a quick way for tourists to put together strange, useless sentences that make native speakers laugh! Yet, if done the right way, hopefully, you can get your point across with the minimum of muss and fuss. %e *EOA* %t Mopeds %n 9R35 %s The Most Stinking, Polluting And Noisy Means Of Transportation %a Tony Blews (hat@mono.org) %d 19971114 %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %i Transport: Mopeds %k Transport %k Bikes %k Travel %e The moped is a two wheeled, motorized conveyance, popular on Earth with old ladies, young lads, and those with no sense of style. Legally, in the United Kingdom at least, a moped is defined as a motorcycle with an engine not larger than 50cc, a top speed not exceeding 50km/h, and if first used prior to 1975, equipped with pedals. In reality, there are two distinct kinds of moped. The granny step-thru (or placky), and the teen cock-rocket. The difference is merely cosmetic, and used by manufacturers to convince impressionable teenagers that, for example, an AR50 with its conventional motorcycle styling is a better buy than a clapped out old C50 shopper. The granny step-thru type can be identified by their distinct shape. Imagine a classic ladies' shopping bike. Now add an engine roughly the size of a hair dryer, and optional plastic leg shields and shopping basket [1]. Most of this style of moped are fitted with automatic gearboxes and centrifugal clutches, making them the easiest vehicles in the world to operate, providing you can ride a pedal cycle [2], of course. They may look stupid, but they were good enough for Alexei Sayle [3]. The other type, popular with teenagers and people who don't want the hassle of taking a motorcycle test [4], look like very small motorbikes, but can easily be identified by the lack of any discernable engine. Aprillia, an Italian manufacturer, have recently made a series of 50cc bikes with full race fairings [5], which will do 90mph. I don't know why they bothered. The noise that a moped makes can be best described as the sound produced by three hundred angry wasps in a biscuit tin, fed through a loud-hailer or bullhorn. The reason for this cacophony, and the reason for the clouds of blue smoke produced from mopeds, lies in the engine. Moped engines are usually two-stroke contraptions, as opposed to the more popular four-stroke [6] motors found in cars and larger bikes. The funny coloured smoke and burnt oil smell, which would cause concern coming from a larger vehicle, is normal behaviour for a engine which needs oil premixed into the petrol. Due to this mixture, it is occasionally possible to ignite the exhaust gasses produced [7]. From time to time the silencer becomes clogged, and a clearing of the baffles is required [8]. Despite their many failings, both stylistic and mechanical, the sport of Moped Racing continues to grow. These races take place over six hours, the objective being to see how many laps you can complete before your engine has a meltdown. More information on the subject of moped racing can be obtained from [URL http://www.presley.demon.co.uk/]. [1] For some unknown reason many of the major motorcycle manufacturers follow this style, and in some cases fit their products with engines up to a massive 120cc in size. These may still be considered as mopeds, but not in the legal sense. [2] These are often called "push-bikes" in the UK, for reasons unknown. Surely if you are pushing one then you've either got the wrong idea, or got a flat tyre. [3] A rotund, shaven headed, Liverpudlian, Marxist comedian. Alexei Sayle is probably best known for his appearances on the BBC TV show _The Young Ones_, as the Bolofski Family. He has also presented several of his own series, including _Alexei Sayle's Stuff_, in which he spent a considerable amount of time riding around on a Honda C90. [4] Until recently, in the UK at least, once you had passed your car driving test it was legal to ride a moped. The real motorcycle test is a complicated three-part affair. [5] That big plastic bit that keeps the flies/wind out of your face. [6] Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow. [7] Not recommended. Seriously. Don't even consider it. My fence has never been the same. [8] This involves removing it and scraping the gunk out. It does not involve sudden changes of direction to make sure you are not being tailed by enemy submarines. Mopeds do not function correctly underwater. This is, presumably, a fact which remains unknown to many people, hence the large numbers of mopeds which are to be found at the bottom of rivers, canals, lakes etc. %e *EOA* %t Languages: Irish, A Primer %n 9R36 %s A Quick Introduction To The Language Of The Irish %a Nicholas Gurley (neg@bigfoot.com) %d 19971230 %x Ireland, Earth %i Irish, A Lauguage Primer %i Primers: Irish Language %i Speaking Irish %k Irish %k language %k speaking %k writing %k learning %e A Hitchhiker of a certain region probably has all of the tools he would need: his towel, a satchel, a notebook, pens, camera, and so on... Yet, a cosmopolitan [1] hitchhiker would need one other tool: the language of the region he is visiting! Here is a quick introduction to the Irish [2] language, in case you are ever in Ireland. Note: yes, I know a little bit about it. I spent two summers learning as much as I could, so this is from experience. Still, I may have made mistakes. If I did, email me and make me correct it! This is presented in some dialogues, English first, Irish second. The sequence \' followed by a letter means read the letter as if it had an acute accent over it. English ------- Dick: Hello! Jane: God and Mary with you! How are you today? Dick: Very good, thank you. And you? Jane: Good, thank you. Irish ----- Dick: Dia dhuit! _(Jee-ah ghwich!)_ Jane: Dia's Muire duit! Conas t\'a t\'u? _(Jee-ahs mwir-rah ghwich! kun-us taw too?)_ Dick: T\'a m\'e go maith, go raibh maith agat. Agus t\'u? _(Taw me guh muh, guh row moyh ah-gut. Aw-gus too?)_ Jane: Go bre\'a, go raibh maith agat. _(Guh bree-ah, guh row moyh ah-gut.)_ English ------- Dick: Hello! What is your name? Mary: My name is Mary. Dick: I'm pleased to meet you! Irish ----- Dick: Dia dhuit! Cad is ainm duit? _(Jee-ah ghwich! kad iss an-im ghwich?)_ Mark: Muire is ainm dom. _(Mwir-rah iss an-im dum.)_ Dick: T\'a \'athas orm bualadh leat! _(Taw ah-has orm buh-lah lyat!)_ English ------- Dick: I'm hungry! Dick: I'm thirsty! Dick: I'm tired! Dick: I'm... Mary smacks Dick. Dick: Owww... I'm sorry, Mary. Irish ----- Dick: T\'a ocras orm! _(Taw o-kras urm!)_ Dick: T\'a tart orm! _(Taw tart urm!)_ Dick: T\'a tuirse orm! _(Taw toor-sah urm!)_ Dick: T\'a... _(Taw...)_ Boiseogann s\'e Dick. Dick: Ouwww... T\'a br\'on orm, Muire. _(Ouwww... Taw brun urm!)_ Now, you should have a few basic phrases and should be able to survive in most cases in Ireland among the Irish. Oh, another note: most of the Irish nowadays only speak English but, thankfully, there are at least a half-million people out there either speaking it or learning it right now. Support the Irish language! [1] Cosmopolitan: used in the sense of worldly, travelling a lot. Not the women's magazine. [2] Irish Language: called Gaeilge, a direct descendant of Gaelic. %e *EOA* %t Blue Christmas %n 6R92 %s It Is The Season To Be Worried %a Aaron Rice (elemental@mcmail.com) %d 19971225 %i Christmas, Blue %i Misery At Christmas %i Anger At Christmas %k unhappiness %k Christmas %k anger %e Christmas: the time of year where people shall come together in celebration and happiness. This is, alas, fiction. If it were ever true, it has been consigned to the chronicles of history. Unfortunately the festive season, with its new market-orientated mentality, has turned normally sane [1] people into animals. During the course of every day life, you can define a breaking point - that is, a point before where everything is, to all intents and purposes, fine and dandy, and after which, to the exclusion of all else, is hell. It has been observed that this point is significantly lowered in the average human being, during this period of the year. Whereas, once, you might find someone with a happy smile, holding open the door to you, you are now more likely to find some mean expression bidding farewell to a door, which is in turn bidding welcome to the bridge of your nose in quite spectacular fashion. It is because of this that Christmas is now known to some as a painful time. It is perhaps because of the increased stress of life in general, combined with the added stress of the number of other equally stressed people rushing around doing what they have to do, in turn combined with the fact that there just aren't enough hours in the day anyway, and why can't everyone else realise that. Except they do, and wonder why you don't. Except you do, and so on... The best advice, if you want to avoid the wrath of others for no apparent reason, is to hide in a box, under a table, or stay locked away in a room somewhere, for the month of December. Alternatively, you might seek to strive for a better society by coaxing people into a nicer merrier way of life. It is probably a good idea, if you chose the latter, to wear protective clothing and/or a tank [2]. [1] This is debatable. See any article about people for details. [2] Or even a tank top, which might reduce your colleagues to fits of laughter. %e *EOA* %t Kudu Dung Spitting %n 10R2 %s Unlikely To Ever Become An Olympic Sport %a Paul Morrison  (pfm@iafrica.com) %d 19970925 %x Insane, How Do You Prove You Are Not? %x Football %x Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster -- Terran Version %k Sport %k Recreation %e Kudu dung spitting, or 'Bokdrol Spoeg' as it is known locally by the Afrikaans community, is indeed a real sport.  There are even World Championships held every year.  As far as it is known, or anyone will admit, the formal version of the sport has existed since 1994.  It is unknown when the first informal game actually took place, but it is my guess that large quantities of alcohol were involved. It is generally accepted that the idea for this event came from the fact that the Kudu [1] is a notoriously difficult animal to hunt.  Most often,all the hunter ever finds is the small pile of dung pellets that the Kudu left in an almost mocking fashion.  Due to some warped logic, it was then decided to use this dung in a competition to show the Kudu exactly what the hunters thought of this 'gift'.  Somehow I think the Kudu is sitting in the bushes laughing even harder at these guys because of this. Rules ===== The rules are very simple.  The Kudu dung pellet spit furthest wins. Unlike most distance sports, the distance of the spit is measured according to where the pellet comes to rest, and not where it first hits the ground. The competitor is allowed to perform any style of run-up he [2] chooses, the only restriction is that he must not step beyond the designated marker, usually a railway sleeper. Preparation =========== Pellet selection is taken very seriously.  The piece of dung in question must have certain characteristics which identify it as a pellet worthy of winning the World Championships.  The consistency must be firm, not crumbly, otherwise the pellet could break up in the mouth, resulting in a bad aftertaste, and the ridicule of the other competitors.  Moisture is another factor.  Moisture content is directly proportional to how fresh the pellet is.  Even the most die-hard of competitors is unwilling to put a fresh pellet in his mouth, as this is just plain disgusting. Spitting ======== There are many ways to spit the pellet, although all of them of course involve putting a piece of dung in your mouth.  This is, unfortunately, unavoidable. Some contestants like to soak their pellets in a liquid shortly before spitting, as this increases the weight of the pellet, and thus the momentum of the pellet will be increased when it is spat.  This is where the moisture and consistency of the pellet are important, as one does not want the pellet to dissolve before delivery.  Many liquids are used, all of them alcoholic (understandably).  Most say that this is to get rid of the dung taste, but I think that it is to stop them thinking about what they are putting in their mouths.  Witblitz [3] and Mampoer [4] are drinks used often. The pellet can be spat from a stationary position, or from a run-up, depending on how drunk the competitor is.  Each method has its own merits, but the style used by 1994 World Champion 'Slinger' van der Merwe, is most effective: He removes his false teeth before competing. As the Champion himself explains, it is very embarrassing to spit one's teeth further than the dung pellet. Closing Ceremony ================ Everyone gets drunk [5].  This is accompanied by the South African tradition of a braai [6]. The Author of this article has never taken part in one of these contests, and probably never will.  In the words of Billy Connolly, this is something I am saving for when I am told I have cancer. [1] Large antelope, measuring 1 to 1.5 m (3.3 to 5 ft) high at the     shoulder.  Lives in forested areas. [2] It is always a he.  Women are not stupid or disgusting enough to     partake in this sport. [3] A clear, cheap, highly alcoholic spirit. [4] Local journalist Gus Silber describes Mampoer as "One part peach     brandy, two parts aviation fuel". [5] Those who are already drunk don't seem to mind trying again. [6] A Barbecue, only with better meat, and people who actually know     how to cook meat over a fire. %e *EOA* %t Politically Correct, How To Be %n 9R37 %s A Short "How-To" In Getting To Be Politically Correct %a Nicholas Gurley (neg@bigfoot.com) %d 19980102 %x Insults %x Definitely Correct Speech %i Correct, Politically, How To Be %i How To Be Politically Correct %k Insults %k Correctness %e Today, the world is filled with people who believe that saying rude things can actually cause someone so much psychological pain that they will instantly turn into a trout! Thus, in order to stop everyone from turning into trouts, they devised a special system of codes that let someone know they are being rude, all the while keeping their words impersonal and scientific. What a trick! And now you, yes _you_, can do this same amazing feat. Amaze your friends by insulting them, but without causing them psycho-trauma! Here's how: 1) Pick any insult (eg. "That guy is short and fat! Sick!") 2) Transform the really insulting words into politically correct terms, then 3) Say the sentence! (Eg. "That guy is both vertically and horizontally challenged! Sick!") Do you see how that worked? Let's look closer at Step 2: "Short" became "vertically-challenged." "Fat" became "horizontally challenged." Note the "-challenged" part: that is the most important thing to get this simple speech-mask to work. Pick the most scientific word you can thing of to describe a condition, then throw in "-challenged". For example, the deaf are "auditorially-challenged". You now know the secret to speaking to people without turning them into trouts. This type of speech is best used in the United States, where people actually _cannot_ say more than four words without an insult. With luck, and this article, they will become more caring and compassionate, as you see here! %e *EOA* %t Apologies %n 6R93 %s Sorry, I Didn't Mean It %a Aaron Rice (elemental@mcmail.com) %d 19970626 %x Winning Arguments %i Sorry %i But, The Use Of In False Apologies %i False Apologies %i Guilt %i Remorse %e It is often the case that people, even yourself, will do something that is seen to be wrong. Whether it is or not, as to be is to be perceived, if it appears to be "not the done thing", you are seen to be the sinner. Perhaps then, it becomes the time to apologise. Apologies are supposedly based on remorse, and are said with a humble sincerity. In fact, a recent survey stated that merely three percent of apologies are conducted in this way. The same survey stated that eighteen percent are said in anger, forty-four percent are said with sarcasm, and another forty percent are merely the precursor to some extended form of argument. The mathematicians apologise for the anomaly. To deal with these in order: 1) Anger. The common: "well, I'm bloody sorry, okay!?" Of course, this may vary from culture/country to country/culture, as the words will change to reflect expletive preferences, and mood. Basically, this is usually a false or reluctant apology, and is said while the cause of its initiation is still at large. 2) Sarcasm. "Oh yeah, I'm _really_ sorry(!)" False apology, or the result of Sarcasm ADDiction Overflow (SADDO). Some people will not notice this tone, and will take this as a straight apology, but it is hardly ever meant as one, and is usually a basis of mockery. 3) Extended Argument. Be wary of someone saying "I'm sorry, _but_." That one little word, "but", that means: "Actually, I'm not at all sorry, I just want it to sound like I'm being sincere, before I continue to argue my own case." Effective, popular, and sometimes lethal. Beware! It is said that it is always safer to apologise for something, even if you aren't responsible. In some occasions, this is true. If, however, you develop a habit for apologies, people will begin to take you less and less seriously, until your guilt starts to sound a little hollow. At the other extreme, you might not apologise at all. Never say sorry. I mean, if someone doesn't like it, they can lump it. It's not your problem. Stuff them, stuff everyone. You just don't need it. Sorry, I got carried away. %e *EOA* %t Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA, Earth %n 9R38 %s A Brief Introduction For Visiting Hitchhikers %a Nicholas Gurley (neg@bigfoot.com) %d 19971231 %x Languages: Spanish, A Primer %x New York City, New York, USA, Earth %x Dallas, Texas, USA, Earth %k places %k USA %k Florida %k tourism %e Before you learn the specifics, let's teach you some of the generalities. Florida is a state for retirees, have no doubts about that. If you do, you won't realize why you suddenly have cravings for sun, fun, and hot dogs. And the hot dogs aren't even all that good. But, even though Florida is a tourist state, there are a large number of people who came to live here just to spite their children. If you can't drive, I would strongly suggest bringing along a bunch of good books: there is not that much to do here. With that under the belt, we'll get more specific. The City -------- Fort Lauderdale is a nice city. Actually, its a nice _bunch_ of cities. It is made up of Downtown Ft Lauderdale, Hollywood, Davie, Sunrise, Pembroke Pines, Las Olas, and a few smaller ones that I've probably forgotten. The inhabitants of these cities all fight to shout out they are _separate_ cities, but truthfully, Ft. Lauderdale seems to take up any city in Broward County. If you don't believe me, ask anyone what city you are in! Their default setting is Ft. Lauderdale, which they will hastily correct with the appropriate demographic. When I say that Fort Lauderdale is a nice city, it is just that. It is nowhere near as bad as New York, but not as nice as Dallas (or as nice as the stories of Dallas). It is located just north of Miami, and some parts of both cities are in dispute, I'm sure. There is an interesting mix of people in Fort Lauderdale. It is one of the most Northern Southern cities. By that, I mean that Yankees are in great abundance (I personally don't care, I'm more Chinese-American than I am Southern). There are also the usual rabble-rousing red necks, the large number of foreigners from England, France, and Germany, and huge groups of Southern Americans. The Cubans and Haitians seem to keep themselves isolated in Miami. In Ft. Lauderdale, the major highways include: I-75 (which runs North, to Naples, and South, to Miami), which is sometimes called the Sawgrass Expressway, and is to the extreme west; I-595 (which runs East, to downtown Ft. Lauderdale, and West, to I-75); I-95 (which runs North, to Boca Raton, and South, to Miami), located to the almost extreme east of the city; and US-1 (which runs North, all the way to Maine, and South, to Key West), which IS the extreme east of the city. Shopping Malls -------------- Since Fort Lauderdale has a huge number of tourists, it follows that there should be a large number of places for the tourists to spend their money. That's true, there are tons of places to buy things! The most popular ways are the malls. In Ft. Lauderdale, the biggest mall (and supposedly the world's largest outlet mall) is the Sawgrass Mills Mall. It is located on Flamingo Road, between Oakland Park Blvd and Sunrise Blvd. It is a huge mall, with every major clothing store, many bookstores, some specialty stores, and a ton of stores that just defy description. And if you're feeling hungry, there are two (yes, two) food courts! If you plan to shop at this mall, go ahead, but know this: the prices are often very high, and there are tons of tourists inside at all times. Another tourist mall is the Fashion Center Mall. It is located on University Drive, just north of Broward Blvd. This mall has some great brand-name stores, but you know what that means: high prices. It's a nice, three-story mall, with a really nice third story food court, but it really isn't frequented by the natives as much as the other malls. Still, if you need to find a Macy's, this is the place to do it. A more 'native' mall, with better known stores, is the Broward Mall. It is located on University Drive, just south of Broward Blvd. Yes, the Broward Mall and the Fashion Mall are neighbors. The Broward Mall has a standard food court, and is chock full of standard stores. Avoid this mall if you don't want to feel like you're shopping back home; it's not really all that interesting. Off to the Southwest, there is the Pembroke Lakes Mall. It is located at the intersection of Flamingo Rd and Pines Blvd. This mall is full of beautiful women (and I do mean beautiful) and lots of brand name stores. This mall is almost never discovered by tourists, so hang out here if you want to go 'native'. Like the Broward Mall, don't shop here if you don't want to feel like you're back home. Warning: this mall is full of teenagers who think that it is hard "living in this Pembroke Pines Ghetto." What they consider the Ghetto is quite possibly one of the _nicest_ areas to live in, even if it is a little boring. So, don't get the wrong impression about the mall's location. Entertainment ------------- For entertainment, people do a lot of things. One of the most popular is, of course, going to the movies. The biggest movie theater is the Sawgrass Cinemas, located at the Sawgrass Mill Mall (see above for location). There are other movie theaters, and whomever you are staying with will probably give you directions to the nearest local one. Some other entertainments include dining out at expensive restaurants. As Hitchhikers, we probably don't have the money for it, so I'll suggest this one: Fuddrucker's! It's a high-class burger joint, located on the intersection for University Drive and Broward Blvd. I'll also suggest a fun one for those of us who don't wear high-heels: Hooters! There is one located North of Oakland Park Blvd and Pine Island Road (or University Drive. In that area, I know...) For the kids, or those of you who want to run around shooting other people, there is LaserQuest, a high tech laser tag. It is located in a small plaza, which you find by taking the _first left_ (if you are heading north, first right, otherwise) north of Sunrise Blvd, while on University Drive. Games cost $6 for non-members, but it is well worth it. There are other great forms of entertainment, such as dancing clubs. The most popular (or at least, most popular due to the local radio stations) is Viper. Just listen to any radio station for a few minutes to get directions. The final entertainment that will be listed here is the radio. Everyone here, from tourists to natives, get tons of fun from the radio. The best stations are listed here: 94.9 Zeta FM, the radio station for you rockers out there; 96.5 Power96 FM, the booty-dancin' station for you dancers out there; 97.3 Coast FM, the station that plays great eighties music from 8pm - Midnight; 102.7 Oldies FM, for when you need to hear Golden Oldies; 103.5 Planet Radio FM, the newest and coolest music for today; and 105.9 Rock FM, for when you need to hear old rock favorites. Transportation -------------- While hanging out in Ft. Lauderdale, you may find a need to drive around. Do so, if you've rented a car. Otherwise, you may have a problem. In this case, you can always call a taxi (listed in the Yellow Pages), or attempt to board a bus. The buses in Ft. Lauderdale, while not the worst things in the world, are certainly not the best. Bring a book to the bus stop; you'll get a chance to read it. The bus fares are reasonable, at $1, unless you are a student or a senior, in which case it is $0.50. A transfer from one bus to another costs $0.15, so plan your trip accordingly. Conclusion ---------- That wraps up this article on Fort Lauderdale. Enjoy your stay! Oh, you'll notice that I've totally left out any mention of the beaches. That's because I'm a native; I try to stay away from there. All you will find when you go is really hot sun, old people in bathing suits, and really old people in bathing suits. Oh, it also helps to be bilingual here. While the Spanish speakers haven't totally taken over yet, they have definitely infiltrated. See the cross-references in order to pick up a little Spanish. So, good luck in your visit, and I personally hope you enjoy yourself. %e *EOA* %t Shaving, Wet, The Art Of %n 9R39 %s Scraping A Razor Across Your Face At 6 AM %a John Murphy (JMurph10@wvu.edu) %d 19970913 %i Wet Shaving, The Art Of %i Art Of Wet Shaving, The %i Removing Facial Hair %k Face %k Facial %k Hair %k Shaving %k Wet %k Foam %k Stubble %k Morning %k Men %e Ah, beautiful morning! The sun is shining through your window, your alarm is actually playing good music, as opposed to the annoying morning guy with the nasal voice [1] and, for a change, you feel like facing the world. You pick up your clothes, take a brisk shower, step out, dry off, and stand before the mirror. This is where your morning turns around. If you happen to be a member of the male persuasion [2], then you take into your hands a sharp instrument, and some foul-smelling foam. The foam is smeared upon one's face, and then scraped off with the sharp instrument. This is in order to remove tiny, almost invisible, hairs that supposedly had been growing since the last time the subject has performed this ritual. Now, there are certain ways to avoid slicing one's face to ribbons, depending on the subject's dexterity. The easiest way is, of course, not to shave at all. This can result in long, luxurious beard, as seen in many philosophers. This can also result in an ugly stubble. Results depend on the individual. Thus it is that many males opt to shave with some regularity. When one shaves, several goals must be kept in mind. Among them: * A clean, smooth face; * No loss of blood; * No patches of hair; * No loss of blood; * A short, painless experience; * No loss of blood. In order to accomplish these tasks, the male must master the art of holding the safety razor [8] in such a way as to avoid cuts. This is done by grasping the razor firmly between thumb and the side of the index finger. The razor is then drawn down the face in short, reasonably slow, motions. Note the downward motion. Because of the razor's design, shaving upward does not work, and shaving sideways makes for a trip to the emergency room. So, we shave down. When shaving the neck area, it may become necessary, due to the direction of hair growth, to shave upwards. This is accomplished by the technique of the turning the razor upside-down and praying to one's favourite deity for more dexterity than one has previously shown doing this technique. As, at six in the morning, most men are incapable of seeing the tiny hairs to be removed, the best way to be sure of removing all of it is simply to aim for the foam. Once all the foam has been removed, then one can assume that the job has been completed. The male then towels off, and applies aftershave. Aftershave is, of course, the coup de grace of the procedure. Having scraped one's skin raw, it is only natural to apply an irritant to it. After all, it makes you smell good, although the scent invariably clashes with both the male's cologne and the scent of the shaving foam he had just finished using. After all is said and done, there is one more task awaiting our protagonist. He must then seek out his spouse, if one exists. This female will then kiss him good morning, touch his face, and say something along the lines of, "Aren't you going to shave before you go to work?" At which point, the male says that he was just getting ready to. He then stumbles off the the bathroom to repeat the procedure. If the male has no spouse, then chances are, he did not attempt to shave in the first place, because five o'clock shadow is "sexy" [9]. [1] It is well known that the screening exams to become a morning show radio host are quite brutal, and those who are not quite annoying enough, or whose voices do not incite murder are quickly thrown to the wolves. [2] Or perhaps a Russian gymnast [3]. [3] Project Galactic Guide would like it known that it does not, as a corporate entity, endorse this statement [4]. [4] Yes they do. They thought it was hilarious at the water cooler this morning [5]. [5] That's a lie! And how the hell does a corporate entity find anything hilarious, let alone finding something hilarious at a water cooler, particularly in the morning? [6] [6] Something to do with the entire PGG Executive laughing their asses off, I'd imagine [7]. [7] We think that now would be a good time to review Mr. Murphy's spending account... [8] Using an unsafe-ty razor, or straight razor, is reserved for those times when you wish to lose blood. [9] There are exceptions. See Footnote 2. %e *EOA* %t Blews, Anthony John %n 9R40 %s Shameless Self-Plug For A Moron %a Tony Blews (hat@mono.org) %d 19971113 %x Article Writing Guide For Field Researchers And Guide Editors %x Field Researchers, How To Recognize %i Anthony John Blews %i Tony Blews %i Field Researcher: Blews, Tony %e Anthony John Blews was born on either the 18th or 19th of May 1971 [1], the son of a mechanical engineer and a housewife/hairdresser [2]. He lived in Preston, Lancashire for 18 years, in that time amassing 9 'O' Levels[3] and 3 'A' levels[3], before moving to Stafford, Staffordshire to attend University. Blews lasted for four years as a student, being thrown off a variety of courses until 1993 when he was finally told not to be a student anymore, and was employed as a technician. This lasted until February 1997, when he was tempted away by a promised 50% pay rise. Currently he works as a database programmer in the transport industry, and thinks that buses are a lot less interesting than people assume [4]. Blews has been playing with computers since 1982, when he got his hands on a Vic 20, and has been playing with computer networks since 1988, when he found out about the Joint Academic Network, AKA JANet [5] (precursor to the Internet in the UK). In the past he has owned (and in many cases still owns): a Vic 20, a Commodore 64, three Sinclair Spectrums, a ZX81, roughly eight IBM PCs, four Psions, a Bull XPS-100 minicomputer, three Concurrent CP/M machines, a Macintosh LCII, two Amstrad PCW8512's and an Amstrad CPC6128. When he has nothing better to do, he writes software for some of them. Live Roleplaying is also one of his hobbies, and he currently runs the UK's largest Live Roleplaying website (http://www.netlrp.uk.com/), whilst playing an NPC role at the largest LRP event in the UK. He also spends a lot of time reading books and watching films. His favourite films are _The Usual Suspects_, _Clerks_, _Mallrats_, _The Hunt for Red October_, _Clear and Present Danger_, _UHF_, and _Highlander_. His favourite books are those written by Robert Rankin, Terry Pratchett, and Tom Clancy. His favourite TV shows are _The Tick_, _The X-Men_, and anything by Vic Reeves. Anthony John Blews is 6'5" in height, weighing in at a blubbery 14.5 stones [6]. [1] There is some confusion over this. All official records point to the 19th, but the little wrist-tag that they put on new-born babies clearly states the 18th. [2] Which goes a long way towards explaining why his hair looks like a dandelion clock constantly on the brink of telling 3 o'clock and why even now he can't change a spark plug without the manual. [3] In the United Kingdom, there are various grades of education. An 'O' Level was the the basic qualification that proved your knowledge of a subject (until 1988, when the nebulous GCSE was introduced, which required less knowledge). An 'A' Level is a higher qualification, gained at college [7], the main benefit of which was/is to get you into a good university. [4] For some reason, some people like to collect the numbers inscribed upon the sides on many road based public transport vehicles. The main center of this activity is Preston, Lancashire, which, if you have read this carefully, you should realise is my home town (much to my chagrin). [5] The Joint Academic Network is still in operation, although these days it uses the TCP/IP protocol and is called SuperJANet. It is often confused with the Internet in many academic establishments. [6] A 'stone' is an archaic British measurment term meaning 14 pounds. [7] The differences between a British college and an American college cannot be summed up here, save for that when Brits say college, Yanks should read university. %e *EOA* %t Hartsdale, Westchester, New York, USA, Earth %n 13R6 %s Hartsdale, Some Information To Help You Understand It %a Andrew Wirshborn-Lucker (improzak@aol.com) %d 19971203 %x New York City, New York, USA, Earth %x Earth %e Hartsdale is a small suburban village located 45 minutes north of New York City. It is in southern Westchester County of New York State. Nothing of real interest ever happens there, at least nothing that would make a hitchhiker [1] want to visit. If indeed you do find yourself in Hartsdale, the following information will help you vastly, or on the other hand the following information could possibly keep you away from Hartsdale. Geography ========= Hartsdale is a very hilly area. Every part of it is either located at the base of a hill, on a hill, or at the top of a hill. For this reason most people in Hartsdale get a lot of exercise by either walking or roller blading around town. There are parts of Hartsdale that natives use as landmarks when giving directions. A hitchhiker should understand these landmarks before visiting in order to find their way around. The Four corners ---------------- These are nothing special, they are just at the intersection of the three major roads in Hartsdale. These three roads are Central Park Ave., called Central Ave. by natives, East Hartsdale Ave., and West Hartsdale Ave. To further confuse people, East and West Hartsdale do not run east and west. East Hartsdale Ave. runs south-east then south, and West Hartsdale Ave runs north. Also anything north-east of the Four Corners on Central is considered No. Central, and anything south-west is So. Central. The Village ----------- This is a small part of Hartsdale where there are a lot of different shops, some banks, and some restaurants. The village is located along East Hartsdale and covers the area from Rockledge Rd. and East Hartsdale to the train station that is at the very end of East Hartsdale. The Village also boasts a farmer's market at the train station during the spring and summer. This is held on Saturday mornings. The only thing about the Village that should be kept in mind is that the train station is located here and provides direct access out of Hartsdale (see the "Getting Around" section below). Poet's Corner ------------- This is an area located off West Hartsdale. This area is called Poet's Corner because all the streets are named after poets. In Poet's Corner there are houses, all of which have the exact same layout inside. The only difference you may find from one to the other is the number of bedrooms in each house. College Corner -------------- This is another area of Hartsdale where all of the streets are named after the same thing. In this case it is colleges. This area is located off of No. Central to the south. This area, like all of Hartsdale, is very hilly, which makes some of the driveways very difficult to get into and out of. Places Of Interest ================== The very first Caravel ever is located in Hartsdale along its main street, Central Park Ave. It is only two blocks from the Four Corners. The story of how Caravel started here is very simple. One day Mr. Caravel was driving his ice cream truck down Central Ave. when just as he passed the Four Corners his truck broke down. He pulled over to the side of the road and, seeing as how it was very hot at the time, the ice cream began to melt. This is what gave him the idea to sell soft ice cream and so he built the first shop on the site where his truck broke down. Getting Around ============== In Hartsdale there are your usual types of public transport, that of bus, train, or taxi. What is unusual are the problems involved with using any of these modes of transportation. Buses ----- The only buses in Hartsdale are the Bee Line Buses. These buses only go north to south, south to north, east to west, or west to east. The problem here is when they do so. The north to south part is the easiest. There are two of these buses, the 20 and the BxM4C (express). The 20 goes from White Plains through Hartsdale into the Bronx then back again along Central. The express goes from White Plains to Manhattan. This bus is one-way only, meaning that going from Westchester to Manhattan, you will first have to get _off_ the bus before you can return (so sitting in the bus all day just for fun is out of the question). Trains ------ The trains in Hartsdale only go north or south. The south-going ones go to Grand Central in Manhattan, and north-going ones into White Plains. For the hitchhiker short on cash [2] you can use the automated ticket machine at the station and buy a child's ticket that says you got on the train one stop before where you plan on getting off. Taxies ------ There is one taxi company in Hartsdale, and it is called West Side. Since they are the only taxies they are a monopoly and as such operate as one. If you call them, for this is the only way to get a taxi -- you can't just flag one down -- make sure that you say that you are calling for a taxi or you will never get one. If when you call it the person on the other end is very rude, or seems distracted, do not fret, this is normal and it is their standard operating procedure. Also they seem to have an odd concept of time [3]. In their view of time what they call 1 minute equals 5-15 normal minutes. Places To Eat ============= There are several places to eat in Hartsdale but they are mostly of the same variety. The following is a list of the best places to eat, what type of food they have, the price of an item, where they're located, and some general comments about the place. Mama Gea's, pizza, slice-$1.50, 15 East Hartsdale Ave. ------------------------------------------------------ The best pizza in Hartsdale can be found here. What makes the pizza, and the rest of the food for that matter, so good is the sauce that's used. This sauce's recipe comes from the owner's mother, so it has to be good. The food is made fresh from scratch every day. If you stop in try a slice of foccacia or an eppy roll. Bagel Emporium, bagels and baked goods, bagel-$.50, 329 Central Ave. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Like bagels? Well then you'll love Bagel Emporium. They make their bagels fresh every day. If you go in at the right time you can usually get a bagel that has just been made and is still warm and soft. Besides bagels they also have to offer several types of muffins, donuts, and cookies. Just want something to drink, well the choices range from soda, to juice, to milk, to flavored coffee. Dairy Dell, Deli, sandwich-$4.50, at the Four Corners ----------------------------------------------------- Dairy Dell is a convenience store. Not a 7-Eleven type place but a nice friendly place with a good deli counter. They offer a lunch club where you buy X-amount of sandwiches and then get one free. Also they have extra value meals that come with a soda and chips. Dunkin Donuts, coffee, small-$.99, 57 North Central Ave. -------------------------------------------------------- This is only mentioned because they have the best coffee anywhere and it's located close to the Four Corners. Akaihana, Japanese, meal-$10.00, 17 East Hartsdale Ave. ------------------------------------------------------- A good place to get some sushi, if you like sushi. They have very good food at a reasonable price, but for a passing hitchhiker without a load of cash this is a place to pass by and say "Oh. I heard about this place in the Guide. Oh well." If you do find that you have the funds, stop in and have a bite to eat. So to sum up the article, Hartsdale is a small village where nothing ever happens. Because of its hilly terrain you would need to get a taxi in order to go any place [4]. But, getting a taxi is about as easy as getting the government of America to do anything [5]. There are some good places to eat but your diet is somewhat limited to bagels, pizza, and sushi [6]. So I believe the old saying is true about Hartsdale: "It's a nice place to live but I wouldn't want to visit." [7] [1] Or anyone else. [2] And morals. [3] Better yet _no_ concept of time whatsoever. [4] And the taxi drivers will know Hartsdale by the odd place names. [5] Well no, harder. [6] Which isn't bad for one day's meal plan. [7] Or something like that. %e *EOA* * * End of file: REAL19.NEW * Share and Enjoy! *