* * Archive: REAL20.NEW * * Created on: Tue Mar 28 15:30:11 2000 * * Number of articles: 25 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to * find an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * Elephants-3 Elephants, Charging, How To Avoid * RomanNumerals-2 Roman Numerals * Conversation-3 Conversation Entry Point * Sjovik-3 Sjoevik, Smaaland, Sweden, Earth * Ignorance-3 Ignorance, A Defence In Law * Millennium-3 Millennium * Belgium-3 Belgium, Earth * BetsNeverLose-3 Bets You Will Never Lose * Billion-3 Billion, A * DrunkSense-3 Drunk, How To Make Sense When You Are * Greece-3 Greek Cruises * MinibusTaxi-3 Minibus Taxis, Africa, Earth * Yoopers-3 Yoopers * WestonSuperMare-3 Weston Super Mare, England, UK, Earth * Backup-3 Data Backup Systems * Centralia-3 Centralia, Washington, USA, Earth * MixedDrinks-3 Mixed Drinks, American * SpaceCoast-3 Cape Canaveral, Florida, USA, Earth * TOE-4 Theory Of Everything, The * LondonUnderground-4 London Underground, The * Kokomo-5 Kokomo, Indiana, USA, Earth * Listie-2 Listie, Pennsylvania, USA, Earth * FoodEnt-3 Food, Entertaining Methods Of Eating * Lifeguards-3 Lifeguards And Lifesaving * Telepathy-3 Telepath, Encountering A * %t Elephants, Charging, How To Avoid %n 6R94 %s Something You Really Want To Get Right First Time %a Paul Morrison (pfm@iafrica.com) %d 19980417 %i Charging Elephants, How To Avoid %i Avoiding Charging Elephants %e Most of us are aware of the dangers of being charged at by an elephant [1], or any large African mammal for that matter. It is not an experience that you would like to endure on a regular basis. In fact, it is not an experience that you would like to experience at all. The usual symptoms of an elephant charge are intense body shape reconfiguration and/or death. The best way to avoid being chased by an elephant is of course to avoid elephant inhabited areas at all costs. The easiest way to do this is of course to avoid going to Africa. In fact, with the poaching that has been going on, there are even vast areas of Africa which are completely elephant free. Other elephant areas are zoos and circuses. Elephants in these two areas are very likely to be a tad miffed at their confinement, and so might wish to take out their frustrations on the surrounding human population. This results in some promising elephant charge situations in the comfort of your own neighbourhood. If, however, you are one of those intrepid folks who has to go and see an elephant for yourself in the glory of its natural habitat, then there are certain steps which can be taken to avoid a nasty gory death. Turning around and going straight home would be my first advice, but obviously that is not too practical. If you are observing an elephant at either a zoo or circus, then my advice to you is to keep note of all emergency exits, and to ensure that there is always a group of young children between you and the large grey beast. If you are on a visit to see an elephant in it's natural habitat, then there are slightly more precautions you need to take into consideration. Firstly, despite popular opinion, brandishing a mouse at an elephant in the same way as one brandishes a cross at a vampire will have no effect. In the same vein of thought, having a bag of peanuts in your pocket will not incite an elephant to carve a hole in your vehicle and/or you in an attempt to get them. It would much rather have some of that yummy bark from a nearby Acacia tree. The most important way to remain safe is to stay inside your vehicle. Except for the occasional incident where an elephant attempts to get romantic with your 4 by 4, you are quite safe. Despite this knowledge, many people still insist on abandoning the relative safety of their vehicles to get closer to an elephant. The reason for this is often an attempt to get a better photo or video of the elephant, but in reality it will most probably allow someone else to get their photo/video of you on the evening news, as you attempt to break land speed records when running away. Up to now, all of the situations described (except for leaving your vehicle) are unlikely to result in an elephant charge. It is those people who venture into elephant territory on foot who are most at risk. Most of the places that you can travel on foot in elephant territory are game reserves. This is a good thing as this usually means that you can hire someone to show you the way, as well as make sure that you do not die, which is always a nice bonus. The guides that you can hire for these trips are vastly experienced, and well versed in the ways of the African wilderness. They also carry big guns. The fact that the guide would rather lose a tourist or two than shoot an elephant should not worry you. Really. If, after all of the previous advice fails you, or you failed to pay attention to the advice, and you do find yourself being charged by an elephant, there are a few things you can do. 1) You can stand still. Although this is logically regarded as the best thing to do in this situation (this is because most elephant charges are bluffs) I'd like to see you try and stand still when there are several tons of miffed elephant moving towards you at a high rate of knots. 2) You can run away at high speed. This would seem to make the most sense at first, but an elephant can move much much faster than you. Trust me on this fact. So if you are moving at a rate which you think would threaten the 100m world record, chances are you will receive a hefty dose of tusk up the rump, leading rapidly to the previously mentioned evening news appearance. 3) You can climb a tree. This is a very popular way to escape an elephant. You must exercise good judgement when choosing which tree to climb, as many African trees tend to have rather large thorns. You may not care too much about that when you are first climbing the tree, but if you get trapped up there for several hours, you will wish you had chosen a more comfortable piece of real estate. You must also ensure that the tree you climb is too big for the elephant to push over, for obvious reasons. 4) Finally we have my personal favourite. Run away, making sure that there is someone slower than you running behind you. This might sound cruel, but hey, survival of the fittest. Literally. If after even this advice fails, and you get caught by the elephant you can do two things: you can scream and try to beat the elephant away, or you can play dead. If you attempt the former, chances are you will merely make the evening news video even more exciting. If you attempt the latter, you must just hope that the elephant does not step on something important like your head, or even more important, your camera. Eventually the elephant should grow bored, and move away to brag of his achievement to his buddies at the water hole. I am not too sure what you should do after an elephant has successfully charged you, but I am fairly certain that a visit to the local emergency ward is a good place to start, followed by several months in traction and rehabilitation. If you have successfully avoided the elephant charge, all you have to do is learn how to avoid attacks by: lion; hippo; rhino; cape buffalo; crocodile; and possibly most importantly, tourist shops. DISCLAIMER: The author of this article has not actually been on the receiving end of an elephant charge. Thus he must not be held responsible for any damage resulting from the adhering to of his advice. Instead the author recommends that you stay at home and watch the evening news to see elephant charges. Not only is this much safer, but it is much more entertaining. [1] As you know (I hope) there are two species of elephant, the Indian and African. The African version is considered the nastier of the two, and so for the purposes of this article, every reference to an elephant should be seen as a reference to the African elephant. %e *EOA* %t Roman Numerals %n 9R41 * Edited by trainee Tony Blews, overseen by Roel (8) and Aaron (9) %s Count With The Romans %a Aaron Rice  (elemental@mcmail.com) %d 19970603 %i Numbering Systems:  Roman %i Numerals, Roman %i Systems Of Numbering:  Roman %i Counting, Roman %i Figures, Roman %e Roman Numerals are an ancient way of numbering, involving different symbols, and a slightly different principal from our usual decimal manner. The following key symbols are used:           * I = 1           * V = 5           * X = 10           * L = 50           * C = 100           * D = 500           * M = 1000 They are combined together to form a string, where the progressively decreasing numbers are added together to form a total.  Numbers are generally expressed in descending order, except where the number you wish to express (say 9) is next to the relevant number above (10), in which case they are expressed in terms of number minus number (10 - 1) [1].  Note that only one alteration symbol is allowed, so 8 cannot be represented by "IIX". The following is an example of using symbols out of order:           * CM = (100)(1000) = 1000-100 = 900 In this way, all numbers can be reproduced (to a point).  Here are some examples:           1) 1997 = MCMXCVII = 1000+(1000-100)+(100-10)+5+1+1 =              1000+900+90+7.           2) 1066 = MLXVI = 1000+50+10+5+1.           3) 414 = CDXIV = (500-100)+10+(5-1) = 400+10+4. There is no symbol for zero. [1] Though sometimes numbers are still expressed in the first way, such     as in one representation of 4 ("IIII"), whereas the "normal" is "IV"     (5 - 1). %e *EOA* %t Conversation Entry Point %n 6R95 %s A Necessary Point To Enter A Conversation %a Aaron Rice (elemental@mcmail.com) %d 19970702 %x Avoiding Conversations %i CEP Trigger %i Triggers, Conversation Entry Point %i Entry Point, Conversation %i Point Of Entry To A Conversation %e If you find it difficult to start a conversation, what you are in need of is a "Conversation Entry Point" (or CEP). Basically, this is a point at which you can start, while seemingly continuing, a conversation. The idea runs thus: silence, CEP trigger used, conversation in full swing. It sounds simple, and it is. All you actually need is the appropriate CEP trigger. This can be obtained easily from any previous conversation, and can then be used as a "follow up", as in: "You know what you were saying about (insert what-ever-it-was here)...?" Variations are possible, but this will allow you to immediately express further opinions, arguments, or whatever you want. Of course, if you haven't partaken in a conversation already, you may have to pick a topical event that you and your companion are both aware of. Say, for example, a political scandal, or a sporting event. Something like "That (insert name of politician) was really stupid, wasn't (s)he!" Sometimes this will be unsuccessful - especially if your companion is not in the least bit interested. Also, you may want to pick an entry point from another conversation in which you didn't participate, but are otherwise aware [1]. You may use the CEP trigger: "You know what you were saying to (whoever) about (whatever)?" This may work well, but on the other hand, you may aggravate a companion that doesn't like being "overheard". Finally, you may be able to purchase a book of pre-prepared CEP triggers, which should be tailored to work in a whole variety of circumstances. On the other hand, you may not. [1] For various reasons. Usually because you overheard. Definitely not because you were earwigging, oh no! %e *EOA* %t Sjoevik, Smaaland, Sweden, Earth %n 8R92 %s Sjoevik, The Thorn In Everybody's Life %a Dennis Roren (dennis.roren@nexus.se) %d 19980325 %i Sjovik %x Earth %x Sweden: The True Story %x Sweden, Earth %x Skoevde, Sweden, Earth %x Linkoeping, Sweden, Earth %x Trosa, Sweden, Earth %e Sjoevik, a thorn in the side of everybody's life: living there is like having a `pain in the ass' that won't go away. People living here are not happy to be living here, but continue to do so in the incorrect assumption that it is as good as any place to live in. Sjoevik lies in an agricultural area, outside the town of Naessjoe. Actually it lies even closer to the little town Bodafors and the little town Saevsjoe. Life in the little place called Sjoevik (or Norra Sandsjoe, as it is also called), is pretty slow. Not that nothing ever happens -- sure, things happen all the time, but nobody really cares. That is because sooner or later everything will be back to normal again, and everybody living there can get on with their usual business. If you somehow manage to fly your way here, it's pretty harmless to land here, as long as you keep a low profile. To blend in with the people living here, take your time to do whatever you want to do, and nobody will ever notice you've ever been here. Don't leave your towel or any other part of your luggage lying around, or it might just be plowed down by one of the farmers living around the place. I lived here for a couple of years and haven't noticed any change in lifestyle during that time. As I left, it was as if I had never been there... Not a place for more than passing through, perhaps a leg-stretcher before moving on to some more interesting places. It might be a good place to live for a while if you don't want to leave a trace of your visit when you leave. %e *EOA* %t Ignorance, A Defence In Law %n 8R93 %s Is Ignorance A Defence? %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19970612 %x Ignorance %i Law, Ignorance As A Defence In %i Defence In Law, Ignorance %k punishment %e "Ignorance is no defence!" How often have you heard that? How often have you also thought to yourself that if the person-in-question knew it was wrong, they wouldn't have done it in the first place? Of course, if is perfectly fair to say that when partaking in anything that relates to any aspect of law, it is a good idea, and in fact considered your responsibility, to make sure you know the rules. It is also fair, however, to say that when those rules are far and wide it can make matters a little difficult, unless you happen to be a memory freak [1]. Law is also a complex area for the amateur, which at the last count includes roughly everybody. You should, however, know some basic pieces of law that get you by; for example, it is generally known that the legal system severely frowns upon theft, arson, and murder [2]. There are other areas, though, that prove to be a little more lazy, and even the upholders of the law in question are unsure about them. One might ask at this point about the concept of punishment, and what it is supposed to achieve. The following are some options: a) A Deterrent. The idea of the "punishment" is to discourage people from performing the crime in the first place. The theory is that, seeing as you might have to pay a fine of one hundred pounds for not paying a fifty pound tax, it is probably a good idea to pay it. b) A Punishment (of course). This is to take you to one side and say, "That was bad." This can be seen as a future deterrent (ie. do it again, and we do this again to you), and also... c) A Preventative. The principal here is if you are, for example, in prison, you cannot kill anyone else (present company excluded). On a claim of ignorance, a deterrent is irrelevant; you simply do not know about it, and therefore cannot avoid that which you know nothing about. A cry of "I know nothing" against punishment is also seemingly sensible; you did not know that it was the wrong thing to do, so a punishment is basic stupidity (ie. "Don't do it again!" vs. "If I knew it was wrong, I wouldn't have done it in the first place!"). But then you might say, "Okay, you didn't know -- prove it". This might be more difficult than you think. It is very easy to prove knowledge, but to prove ignorance is a little more tricky. In the end, a balance should be made. The following are a few questions that could be asked: 1) Was there the opportunity to find out whether the act was illegal? 2) Were you capable of doing so? 3) Did you try? 4) If you failed, did you try again? 5) Did you try hard and find nothing? 6) Did you even suspect the act was illegal? 7) Did you think it might be a little bit _wrong_ [3]? If the answers to those questions imply innocence, perhaps that is exactly what you are. The essence of criminality is intent, and if you can prove that your crime is not one of intention, that is surely some defence. [1] Don't think about it. If you are one, you'd remember. [2] Actually, this depends on the country in question. In some parts, these are, or at least appear to be, the basic essentials of society, and the abilities to perform them are sometimes a qualification for high office. [3] To explain further: do you think that what you did _could_ or _should_ be illegal? %e *EOA* %t Millennium %n 9S9 %s A Popular Word At The End Of The Twentieth Century %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19991020 %x Classification Of Religions %x Party Hints %x Avoiding Computer Obsolescence %x Computers, Earth %x Leap Years %x First One Gets The Wooden Spoon %x Sinterklaas, A Dutch Tradition %k Millennium, Century, Calendar, Party, 2000, Computers %e "Millennium" is a word that came into fashion in the late part of the twentieth century (AD). It was used as a commercial adjective to express that a product had special qualities, although no one was quite sure what these actually were [1]. For instance, the United Kingdom government designated a whole range of millenium products to show how awesomely great British products were. These products were displayed in the Millennium Dome, London, UK, Earth, and included wellington boots for cows, which prevent hoof rot, or at least let the cows jump around in puddles without getting their socks wet. The word "millennium" was used so much that it became annoying. Eventually you couldn't even express the tastiness of food without making a millennium statement [2]! In any case, the word had something to do with the flipping of some digits on the Christian calendar: going from 1999 to 2000 was called going to "the new Millennium!" There were of course opposing factions [3] who argued that the definition is that the millennium changes when going from number 2000 to 2001, but that is of course by no means as spectacular as _all four digits_ changing, so only few people payed them any attention. It could also be argued that the Christian calendar wasn't correct anyway, because good old J.C. wasn't born at the calendar's definition of his birth day [4]. In addition, there are many other calendars around as well! Nobody cared about that, because who would want to give up the chance to party bigtime?!! Expectations were high for this party, as it had to surpass all parties given in the previous 1000 years. This was of course close to impossible, and further troubled by another twentieth-century invention: the Millennium Bug. No, that wasn't an insect designed to take over the world; it was a software bug. Apparently most programmers were followers of a cult that believed that civilization would end before the year 2000 (by which time insects would indeed take over the world). This implied that they could save themselves the trouble of using four (instead of two) digits in their program variables dealing with dates (i.e. 99 instead of 1999). The cult lost increasing numbers of its following in the 1990s, by which time people realized that this prophecy was a self-fulfilling one: nuclear reactors would explode when they lost track of time, etc., etc.. Many people were employed to correct the error, resulting in many "millennium-proof" products [5]. This of course meant that they could withstand the change of century, but with the rapid development of computers in that time, this wasn't really true for all of them. Some software was millennium-proofed by installing patches that set the dates back 20-30 years, giving them equal years more life. Don't people ever learn?! The second coming of Christ was also expected at the "change of the millennium", as he had failed to turn up at the previous millennium-party [6]. Many people saw the commercial opportunities in this and went to great lengths to produce a baby by the first of January 2000. They failed to take heed of the controversy in the religious world about whether Jesus would return as a baby, be born into maturity (Tummy-streching Ouch!) or ascend from the heavens in one piece (obviously having hitched a hike from an alien space-ship). The word was further used to indicated that this was the last time in the second millennium of the Christian calendar that you could, for example, watch such and such television show, drink this, eat that, and actually experience _anything_. Finally, after either one [7] of the following: 1) a short explosion of the use of the phrase "the first time in the new millennium that you can do this and this" and an even shorter one made by the numerically correct and the party freaks who wanted to have another party the year after (and also after all the newspaper accounts of the disappointing parties and the effects and non-effects of the bug)... 2) a _BIG_ explosion and the obliteration of mankind [8]... ...this word rapidly became obsolete. [1] The adjective `millennium' is probably used to indicate that it is the last of its kind in this millennium, and, as things are expected to improve over time, the best. For example "This millennium car is much better than one made in 1369 AD." [2] In Roman numerals 2000 is "MM". [3] For any idea there are _always_ opponents. [4] Christ wasn't born on 1 AD, and probably not even at Christmas. BTW There was no 0 AD -- the number probably hadn't even been invented yet. [5] At least PGG was millennium-proof! [6] Religious idols are notoriously late for their own birthday parties. They _really_ don't want the most minute chance to exist to win the wooden spoon (see corresponding article) with the exception of St. Nicholas. [7] In an attempt to market this article in as many realities as possible. [8] Note to the author: remember to rewrite this entry in the new millennium, if you can [9]. [9] Otherwise I ask you, newly evolved insects, to please do it for me. %e *EOA* %t Belgium, Earth %n 8R94 %s La Belgitude %a Dirk van Deun (dirk@igwe.vub.ac.be) %d 19990925 %x Turnhout, Belgium, Earth %x Netherlands, Earth %x Netherlands, Earth, A Native Writes About The %x Earth %k Belgium, Country, Surreal, Belgians, Europe %e For the space traveler, Belgium is one of the easiest places on Earth to find. The dense network of streets, roads and highways is brightly illuminated after dark, so that the country lights up in the night as if it were one huge airport. Many Earthlings, on the other hand, don't have a clue where this little country can be found on a map. Meanwhile the name of its capital city Brussels is a household word around the world: because most other countries don't trust or like each other, but do consider Belgium to be mostly harmless and nice [1], Brussels is often chosen as the seat of international organisations, like the European Union and the NATO, to name a few important ones. Belgians have a keen sense of the surreal and the absurd. It is not an accident that painter Rene Magritte was a Belgian. Nor is it an accident that cake-throwing by way of symbolic political assassination was invented just there [2]. Surrealism was present at the birth of the nation. Starting from its independence in 1830, the history of the country can best be described as bourgeois in a surrealist fashion. Indeed, the revolt against the Netherlands is supposed to have started after an inflammatory opera performance. It has also been told that while the regular troops of the Netherlands kept watch in the cold trenches at night, the Belgian rebels at the other side went home for a good meal and a warm bed, and came back the next morning. Whether this story is completely true or not, it characterizes the Belgian spirit, known as "la belgitude", perfectly. Belgians prefer cunning and comfort above grand gestures. For instance, not many W.W. II stories are known about Belgian civilians who refuse to cooperate with invasion troops, loudly claiming to prefer to be executed; instead, a typical Belgian factory director would invite the local German commander to a good meal, promise to start producing weapons really soon now, and continue making cooking pots and toys and making up new excuses as the months pass; meanwhile, in more heroic countries, directors got shot and replaced by German colonels, and weapons started being produced in a matter of weeks [3]. Belgians think small, but they are masters at it. The Belgian Dream consists of earning enough to own a free-standing house with a garden, not bought from a previous owner, but preferably built exactly according to personal wishes [4]. This house should also not be further away than 10 kilometers from where your parents live. In contrast to the well-known American Dream, this Dream can be attained by very many people before their 40th birthday. In this process, building regulations are only meant to be ignored. As a matter of fact, all Belgians routinely break the law, if they can do so without harming anyone personally: "arranging things" is their speciality. More visibly, not even the most cautious and law-abiding Belgian pedestrian will wait for a stop-sign if no cars happen to be coming past, as anyone can see that this is simply stupid. The only check on the Belgians' quiet anarchism, caused by an inbred distrust of all kinds of authority, is peer pressure. And peer pressure mainly tells them to mind their own business. Nobody will come up to you if you are struggling with a city map in the street; but this is not unkindness, for if you ask for directions, you will find that most people are very willing to help. Real Belgians are polite but distant, dress conservatively and never speak loud in public places; a Belgian tourist in America could probably wander around unnoticed for hours inside the FBI headquarters. In fact, when for once they want to act impulsively or passionately, Belgians only end up looking ridiculous. Recently an infamous child molester was shown on television, while being brought to the courthouse. The revealing part in this picture was the man in the background who was shaking at a police barricade and making known what would become of the pervert if he could get his hands on him. Then the barricade gave way and started to topple. Immediately the typical Belgian gave it a correcting jerk before it could fall down; and he looked quite shaken at what he had done. Foreigners who do not understand the belgitude but know something about the everlasting quarreling between Flanders, the Dutch-speaking north of the country, and Wallonia, the French-speaking south, sometimes fear that this might eventually lead to civil war. This is nonsense. Civil war is much too grand and dramatic, and bad for business besides. Therefore the regional governments and regional parliaments that popped up [5] during the last decades are, in the opinion of this field researcher, not the start of a breakup of the country, but new opportunities to introduce bureaucracy and evade taxes. In conclusion, Belgium is a small country of inconspicuous well-off people, who like to live comfortably, and get things done, quietly. [1] There was of course the time when the international image of Belgium almost shifted from that of a nice and friendly little country to a country of barbaric exploiters of their Congo colony. But just then the Germans conveniently invaded the country, and the propaganda machines of England (which guaranteed Belgian neutrality) and its allies started portraying Belgium as the perpetual innocent victim of foreign invasions again. Nowadays Congo is independent, and the local leaders are perfectly capable of mass murder and barbaric exploitation of the people themselves. [2] Thanks to the Belgian cake-thrower Noel Godin the whole world now knows that the richest man in the world, Bill Gates, does not have a towel handy when he travels. [3] Example adapted from an interview with the novelist Tom Lanoye. [4] A Dutch proverb says that Belgians are "born with a brick in their stomach". [5] Fans of Shapir and Worf will note that there exists a typically Belgian Dutch word "staatshervorming" which means "peaceful reform of the institutions by which the state is governed". %e *EOA* %t Bets You Will Never Lose %n 8R95 %s When Two Make A Bet, One Is A Fool And One Is Scum %a Vladimir L. Shirokogorov (shirokogorov@pol.ru) %d 19970725 %x Challenge %e Sometimes you have to win a bet as soon as possible -- for instance when you run out of money and there are ten days due to the next salary and you hate to borrow some money. Here are some bets you will always win, unless your opponent listens to the conditions of the bet extremely carefully and guesses the way you plan to win. Some of these bets are based on formal logic; some on the fact that you tell the truth, only the truth, nothing but the truth, yet not the _whole_ truth; and some on the Jesuite meaning of words. Make a bet that your opponent will not be able to eat a toaster-sized lump of bread while walking 50 steps. You will always win, because it is impossible: your opponent will half-way run out of saliva and it is impossible to swallow dry bread fast -- he will stuff the whole lump into his mouth, that's all. Make a bet that you will walk 100 metres and will not touch the ground with your feet. You can win this bet by walking upon any surface in any kind of footwear, thus not touching the ground with your _feet_. Of course, if you are an acrobat you may do the walking on your hands. Make a bet that you can jump higher than a pine tree (a very seductive bet). You choose a really high pine tree high (at least twice as high as the world record in jumping), then jump as high as you can, want, or care to, and then turn to the pine tree and say to it: "Now it's your turn to jump". The tree will clearly make no effort to jump, so you pronounce yourself the winner. Make a bet that your opponent will not be able to crush an egg with a frying pan without touching the egg with his hands. Then you put an egg somewhere where it really cannot be smashed with a frying pan, e.g. under a counter, under a car, in a metal box, or in the corner of a room. Make a bet that your opponent will not be able to jump over five cents (five pennies, pence, pfennings, etc.). The thing is that your opponent will think you mean a single coin, or several stacked on top of each other. Now you take five one-cent coins and place them, say, 10 metres apart. Make a bet that you will drink five bottles of any kind of strong liquor (vodka, gin, whisky) in five minutes. The thing is that your opponent will think that he should count _all_ the time, from the moment you drink the first glass till you drink the last. You, in turn, will only count those seconds where you actually sip from all the glasses which are together five bottles. All these bets were either tested on me (crushing an egg with a frying-pan, eating bread while walking) by other people, or tested on a person by another in my presence (walking 100 metres without touching the soil with the feet, jumping over 5 roubles), or told to me by other people. All the bets work, but with each person they work only once. The best way to make such a bet work is to let your victim first win a couple of easier bets (like not breathing for 1 minute, etc) and thus let him get a taste for winning further bets, and then suggest one of the described. %e *EOA* %t Billion, A %n 8R96 %s How Much Is It? %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19970603 %x Americanitus %e The problem with the evolution of language is that a lot of people had their own go [1]. While this was fine when they were carefully developing their own language, it started to get a bit more confusing when different separated groups began working on the same one. This is, in fact, not true. The difficulty began when, some period of time later, the two groups began trying to communicate regularly again. The obvious problem arose when words came to mean something quite, but not exactly, similar, and nobody knew (or indeed knows) that they're not exactly the same thing. There are few better examples to illustrate this than the word "Billion". It is unfortunate that this word has come to mean two different quantities. In America it is defined as One Thousand Million (1,000,000,000) [2], while in the UK is defined as One Million Million (1,000,000,000,000), which is one thousand times more. Fortunately many people have standardised on the American definition [3], and so in most cases there aren't as many problems as there potentially could be. It can still be confusing, however, as the other is used intermittently, and without explanation. As confusion continues, this can be used to the advantage of anyone looking to make a quick buck/quid at the expense of the unwhily. Basically, keep your ears open, and when someone says "billion", ask them exactly what they mean. [1] You have to continue reading the paragraph for this statement to be qualified totally. Don't be distracted by footnotes or anything else! [2] The American Billion (or One Thousand Million) is in the UK called One Thousand Million, surprisingly. The dictionary mentions that the word Milliard means the same thing, but no one really uses it. [3] Yes, I know _someone_ had to pick _one_ of them! %e *EOA* %t Drunk, How To Make Sense When You Are %n 6R96 %a Mish Bancroft (K.Bancroft@btinternet.com) %d 19981123 %s Useful Advice for all %x Alcohol Guilt In Students %x Alpha Centaurian Alcohol Enhancing Device %x Wine Tasting %e Don't even try to. [Editor's Note: This article was originally one word long, however I felt that a topic as important as this deserved quite a bit more detailed exploration so I increased the article text from "Don't" to "Don't even try it". I hear there are ugly rumours that we are trying to cut down on the length of the guide. I would like to quash those rumours right now.] %e *EOA* %t Greek Cruises * edited by Robet Uhl, Thanks Robert %s Why They Can Be Holidays From Hell %a Dan Shlepakov (d_m_sh@ibm.net) $d 19980101 %n 6R97 %i Mediterranean Cruises %i Cruises In Greece, Earth %i Island Cruises, Greece, Earth %x Earth %k Europe, Sea %e Greece is a wonderful land. It really is. All exotic and hot and different from other places. Maybe this is one of the reasons that many people decide to take a cruise in the Mediterranian sea and see 'The Wonders of Greece' from the board of a giant ship. Well, here is fair advice: DON'T. After you get on the ship, and all your happy relatives on the shore have waved goodbye to you, you finally realize that you are trapped. After dealing with the baggage (10 minutes) and examining your room (or cell, as you will think of it -- 5 minutes), you can then take a stroll and examine the ship itself (1 more hour). And if you have a partner, you can even do some "blood cleaning" (2 hours). _Then_ you realize that you have another five and a half days to go crazy. Seeing the islands of Greece is supposed to be the good part of the cruise, but it turns out to be a "hit and run" mission. After you reach one of the islands, the guide gives you half an hour to see the place, which is not even enough to find a decent site for picture taking. After two or three such "visits", you start to experience this unpleasant feeling down your stomach, and you realize that the only experience you will remember after this cruise will be a grinning Greek salesman offering you a bowl of peanuts that costs more then a ticket to Japan. But at least you will do something in those "happy" half hours that you will have here and there. Because life on board sometimes will lower you to the mental state of a dead starfish. The other people on board make it even worse. The Americans are to be avoided (no harm meant; there are some who are really annoying). If a middle-aged bald fat male decides to join you on your strolls, meals, and God save, sometimes even the pool, your vacation is dead for sure. In the first 5 minutes of conversation you will get a full description of his sexual life, his dreams and his health problems. He may be as intelligent as you could wish, but after some 20 minutes of his company you will feel really sorry you are not on "Titanic" in its last few moments. If we are talking about meals, the experience of 20 fat bald males with their ever more "enjoyable" wives jumping out of the pool, stopping any conversation they had when the "dinner is served" gong is heard, can really make you regret the day you were born. Wonderful land, Greece, truly wonderful. Just be careful with the cruise, REALLY careful... %e *EOA* %t Minibus Taxis, Africa, Earth %n 8R97 %s How To Catch A Ride On One Of Africa's Biggest Killers %a Paul Morrison (pfm@iafrica.com) %d 19990816 %i How To Catch A Minibus Taxi In South Africa, Earth %x Bangkok, Urban Survival Techniques %x Cairo Taxi, How To Catch A %x Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa, Earth %x Dubai, United Arab Emirates, Middle East, Earth %x Mars, Hailing A Taxi On %x Morrison, Paul Fraser %x New York City, New York, USA, Earth %x Tourists %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %x Duct Tape %k Minibus, South Africa, Africa, Taxi, Transportation, %e People often talk about the dangerous creatures in Africa, but one that they always fail to mention is the Minibus Taxi. For the purposes of this article, I will be discussing the South African sub-species of this creature. Some History ============ The minibus taxi industry was created as an alternative to the public transport system, which has never really been that good. The taxis were supposed to be cheaper than the buses/trains, and go to more destinations. To some extent they fulfill this purpose. Unfortunately there are a few problems: 1) The drivers mostly seem to have no concept of the rules of the road. 2) The taxis are in terrible condition, mostly held together with duct tape and wire. 3) Taxi syndicates (gangs) have a literal definition of competitive business, and AK-47 assault rifles are considered as standard negotiation tools. How To Catch A Minibus Taxi =========================== First, decide where you want to go. This is the easy part, and you should not have much trouble. Then make your way to any recognised taxi stop. This would be anywhere which is within 100m of the road. Using your superb navigation skills, determine the direction of your intended destination. Wait for a taxi, this should not take too long. You can identify a taxi by the methods the driver uses to catch your attention: flashing headlights; beeping horn; driver waving arms frantically or screaming his destination at you [1]. Some taxis have some sort of sign indicating their destination. Sometimes this is even accurate. Now you have to decide whether or not you are going to catch this taxi. Of course, if the taxi is obviously not going where you want it to go, just ignore it, or shake your head from side to side to indicate that you are not interested. Is the taxi in reasonable condition? If the taxi is in terrible shape, you could be risking injury by catching it. However, the good thing about catching a run-down taxi is that it probably won't be able to go very fast, so the chances of it being in a high-speed accident are quite slim. The choice is up to you whether or not you want a structurally stable but worryingly fast taxi, or a rickety old thing which moves at reasonably sub-light speeds. Once you have decided to catch a particular taxi, you must stick out your arm and point in the direction of your destination. If the taxi is not going there, the driver will probably make some sort of gesture to indicate this fact. If the taxi continues to approach, once it is within hearing range you must start shouting the name of your intended destination. The taxi driver will start shouting the name if _his_ intended destination (as mentioned earlier, this can have little or no relationship to the destination which might appear on the front of the taxi). If both of your intended destinations appear to be similar, you can get into the taxi. Once inside, you must pay for your journey. If you managed to find out the price of the trip beforehand, pay that exact amount to the driver [2]. If you do not know how much the trip costs, you can ask the driver. Try not to sound like a tourist, and if there are any other people in the taxi the driver will almost certainly tell you the correct amount. Once the transaction has been completed, you can sit back and enjoy [3] the ride. Now is a good time to start praying to the deity of your choice. Try not to panic as the driver drives like a madman through equally crazy traffic. Screaming and wetting your pants is considered rude, and disturbs other passengers. If you are still alive when you approach your destination, it is time for you to get out. Tell the driver where you want him to stop. This can be done by saying something like: "Bus stop please driver" (to stop at the next bus stop), or simply "Thanks driver". The driver will probably stop, and you can get out. You have survived a Minibus Taxi ride! This is something that you can tell your grandchildren about one day. Spare a thought for those poor souls who have to catch minibus taxis on a regular basis... Random Information Regarding Minibus Taxis ========================================== 1) You do not have to tip the driver. 2) Drivers try to fit in as many people as possible into a taxi, so if you catch it during a busy part of the day, be prepared for a cramped ride. 3) Taxis which have tinted windows often have extremely loud sound systems installed. If you do not mind a noisy journey, you can catch one of these for an experiment in audio torture. The music played is usually of the American R&B variety, which I personally cannot stand. 4) If the driver decides that he no longer wants to go where he said he was going, he will give you back enough money to continue your journey, and will often stop another taxi for you. [1] Much like buses, minibus taxis have fixed routes. You do not catch a taxi and tell it where to go, you catch a taxi that is already going where you want to go. [2] Sometimes the driver has an assistant who sits in the taxi and collects fares, opens doors, and that sort of thing. If there is an assistant, pay your money to him. [3] For varying definitions of "enjoy". %e *EOA* %t Yoopers %n 8R98 %s Inhabitants Of The Upper Peninsula Of Michigan, USA, Earth %a Andy Sewell (arsewell@mtu.edu) %d 19981108 %i Guide To Those Passing Through The Upper Peninsula Of Michigan %x Michigan, USA, Earth %x Earth %x Coffee %x Canada, Earth %x Uhm, Eh %x Finland, Earth %x Hunting %x Fishing, The Art Of %x Harmon, Jonathan David %e Many hitchhikers in their travels have come across a track of wilderness punctuated by small towns in the region of Lake Superior, on the continent of North America on the planet Earth. What sets this place apart from the rest of the surrounding Lake Superior region is its curious inhabitants, who call themselves "Yoopers". The Yooper has not been in existence for very long, being the result of cross breeding Finns with Italians, Irish and Cornish people. While cautious around strangers, Yoopers will generally become very friendly if you offer to buy them a coffee. There are many distinguishing characteristics to a Yooper. Some of these include: Accent ------ On this planet there is no accent like this one. Many of the vowels' sounds are pronounced very differently from the normal way of speaking in the Midwest, which the Upper Peninsula (or U.P.) is technically part of. Most vowels, namely, are drawn out. For example, in words like "snow", "O" is pronounced as "sno-o-oh", but in the word coffee it sounds like "caahfee". "A" is usually pronounced "ah" like "sno-o-oh caht". Dialect ------- One of the most common things Yoopers do is to eliminate the verb "to be" in front of the verb "to go". For example, if a Yooper wishes to express that he or she is going hunting, he or she states "I go deer camp", and if a Yooper wants to ask you to go somewhere with him or her, "Go Green Bay?" is usually what they say. Like Canadians, Yoopers will often punctuate the ends of their sentences with "Eh", which is derived from the English "hey" and is used to denote a statement the other person is sure to agree with. "Cripes, sure is snowing, eh?" "Yah, you betcha."[1] "Th" is pronounced as a hard "D". "Dem" instead of "them", "da" instead of "the", and so on. Insane Love Of Snowfall ----------------------- Yoopers regard the prospect of getting three feet of snow in one night with glee, and brag frequently about the amount of snow the U.P. gets. This behavior is inexplicable. The behavior may stand as a coping mechanism in dealing with 30 feet of snowfall a year. Another coping mechanism used, is taking steam baths called saunas (pronounced sa-OOnah) at temperatures of around 200 degrees fahrenheit, then jump in a snow drift in `20-below' weather. Food ---- Yoopers are incredibly fond of two main types of food: coffee and pasties (pAAH-stee). Pasties are about the size of both your fists, and are a complete meal of beef, carrots, potatoes and/or rutabagas, and other types of vegetables wrapped in a flaky pastry shell. These are best eaten with ketchup, and can sustain a person for most of a day [2]. Not surprising, when you know that they were invented by Cornish (UK) miners, who, by the way, are famous for their pasties. Also, we shouldn't forget about pickled eggs; anyone who's ever been to the world famous B&B bar in Houghton knows that pickled eggs are the finest thing about living in the Upper Peninsula. Yoopers are mischievous creatures, fond of playing tricks on "trolls", their term for their fellow Michiganders who live below the Mackinaw bridge. Yoopers enjoy jabbering away at a confused tourist, who is certain the native they have encountered is speaking some foreign language. Yoopers can be suspicious of outsiders, especially if one does not have knowledge about smelting (fishing for tiny fish called smelt, with nets, in the spring), hunting, snowmobiling, or taking saunas. One sure fire way to earn the ridicule of a Yooper is to partake in a sauna not completly naked. If pressed by a Yooper to declare allegiance to a sports team, the proper response is "Go Packers!" or "How 'bout dem Wings?" In short, when one comes up face to face with a Yooper, a way to diffuse any potential trouble is to ask their opinion on how much snow the U.P. is likely to get, how the (Green Bay, Wisconsin) Packers or (Detroit, Michigan) Red Wings are doing, if they had a good smelt run this year, and then ask where the nearest place is to get a good pasty and a cup of coffee. This is the safest way of dealing with this unique breed of folk, and is sure to win a new friend. [1] "Ker-EYEps, shu-OOR is SNOH-in, EH?" "YAH, yoo BEHT-tchya." [2] Although a nice hearty gravy can also be very nice on a pasty. %e *EOA* %t Weston Super Mare, England, UK, Earth %n 8R99 %s A Mobile Town %a Toni Woodward (toni.woodward@lineone.net) %d 19991012 %x Earth %x Bristol, England, UK, Earth %x Chocolate Milk %x Pubs, How To Deal With Them %k Somerset, Avon, Bristol, Weston, Beach, Europe %e Weston Super Mare is a small town that seems to be fairly mobile. It started its life as a small fishing village in rural Somerset. Then someone brought the steam railway here, and it's been downhill from then on. In the seventies it made its first move to the new county of Avon. Everyone hated this and so in the early nineties this was corrected by moving it to North Somerset. I hope we don't move again, since no one knows where we are now. Weston Super Mare is infamous (locally anyway) for the lovely sandy beach, but since it is on the Bristol Channel, the sea is rarely seen. When the tide does arrive, it is an attractive chocolate colour. The inhabitants love the town so much that many travel 20 miles to Bristol to escape from it every day. (They say this is for work, but we know better.) Weston has two piers so you can walk out over the mud and marvel at the achievements of those industrious Victorians. There are also the obligatory donkeys, amusement arcades, gift shops, and numerous public houses. %e *EOA* %t Data Backup Systems %n 6R98 %s Don't Lose It! %a Aaron Rice (elemental@mcmail.com) %d 19980122 %x Booting, Origin Of The Word %x Computer Malfunctions %x Computers, Earth %x Paperless Office, The %x Self-Destructing Computers %x Professions: System Administrator %x Murphic Field In Daily Life, The %x Luck %i Work, Backing Up %i Information, Backing Up %i Backing Up Data %i Archiving Data %k Computers, Data, Systems, Backup, Disasters %e Some people seem to have a problem with backing up their data. These individuals, obviously content to lose everything at a point of disaster, recklessly fly through life without a care. Unfortunately, something _always_ goes wrong, and always at the worse possible time [1]. The inevitability of a problem occurring has been scientifically proven. Unfortunately, it may take a while to occur, which has the effect of producing a feeling of total immunity to any problems that could possibly occur, while the truth is usually that they have just been very lucky. The best place to experience these problems, and still remain in a fit state to study them fully, is to work in a support department. You may then find it easy to observe the initial stage, commonly known as the "I can do anything, yeah just stick that ten-ton super-magnet next to my hard drive"-stage. This is, under the described circumstances, almost inevitably followed by the "Well, nothing's ever gone wrong with it before, it's your fault"-stage. This is where the problem begins. Unfortunately, the customer/user/individual [2] is always right. This means that they lost their data _not_ because they failed to backup then did something stupid, but because: a) someone gave them the wrong advice, or b) they didn't realize. However if they are really honest, they lost their data because: a) they had total confidence in something they didn't fully understand, b) they forgot, or c) they couldn't be bothered. It has been advised to some in the past that you should backup after everything you do. Perhaps this is what puts certain people off, as it can effectively double the length of certain tasks. It's generally a good idea to back up a system on a daily basis - ie. at the end of a working day. Also, if you are about to do something that could potentially cause a problem, take a backup then. The final rule is to never assume that just because you started a backup, it completed correctly. The problem with this is that optimistic assumptions are generally met with negative consequences. This means that if you assume your backup is fine, the tape will almost certainly have screwed up, the data will be corrupt, or a disk will have exploded in the drive [3]. [1] Murphy's laws explain this fully. [2] Very often the blindingly stupid under these circumstances. [3] In these instances, it is sometimes advisable to have a backup for the backup system, and sometimes a fire extinguisher. %e *EOA* %t Centralia, Washington, USA, Earth %a Kenny Nicknockwigglewagglefenphenfeegle (email unknown) %n 6R99 %d 19980505 %s A Town, A Place, A Hole in the Ground %x Earth %x Taco Bell %x Seattle, Washington, USA, Earth %x Oregon, USA, Earth %x Towels %x Indian Reservations, USA, Earth %x Golf Ball, Successive Layers Within A %x Coffee %e Welcome to Centralia!! Yes, this wacky little hole in the ground is located precisely between Seattle, Washington and Portland, Oregon, and has become an overnight success story. Somewhere, a big, evil, multinational conglomerate is using it as a base of operations, and the people don't even know about it. Being the dull and stupid people that they are, they simply go about their lives toiling in the fields of such evil. Fun Things To Do ================ When in Centralia, visit the Taco Bell. It is a good place for lunch. For dinner, make sure to try Country Cousin's, who specialize in good old fashioned white trash soul food. They range in five bucks to ten bucks and make a darnedtootin' good cuppa joe (being in Washington and all, they certainly can mix water and powdered coffee in the right proportions!). Antique Stores ============== In Centralia, Antique Stores are counted as a life form. Simply put, whenever it rains, they multiply in a frenzy of expendable income. Don't forget to carry your towel, because it rains often. Too often in fact. It rains so much that the residents actually rust. What To See =========== See Fort Borst Park. It has a large fort that was used to defend the Borst family from Indians (which never occured). You can also see the Borst mansion and the Rose Gardens (which include rhododendrons), then feed the ducks and geese. Invariably you'll see a swan beating up a duck. Next, check out the various hills and trees. There's a golf course for those of you that like that kind of thing. There's also several theaters (excluding the now defunct though legendary Fox Theater) and they range in different fare, from the brand new features in the ACT III to the live amateur drama of the Evergreen Playhouse. Hot Spots ========= If you like just hangin' about, try the parking lot of the automobile equipment store. Like loud music? Try the parking lot at the good old GoodWill. If you enjoy retro clothing, try going _into_ the GoodWill. Avoiding The Fuzz ================= There's no way. Centralia Police are _everywhere_ and you simply can't get away. Try driving the speed limit. So, come to Centralia, and live life!! %e *EOA* %t Mixed Drinks, American %a Robert Uhl (ruhl@austinc.edu) %s What They Are And How To Make Them %n 6R100 %d 19990713 %i Cocktails Of America %i Alcoholic Beverages Of The Mixed Kind %k Alcohol %k Drinking %k Alcoholic Beverages %k Rest And Relaxation %x Wine Tasting %x Happy Hour, How To Fit In %x Alcohol Guilt In Students %e History ======= It is a little-known fact that mixed drinks are a fairly recent invention. Up until Prohibition (a period of from 1920-1933 when the United States of America banned all alcoholic beverages), most people in most of the world drank their liquor straight. The first cocktails had been invented in the middle 19th century, but they were simple affairs of liquor, water and bitters (bitters are combinations of herbs and spices, often having a medicinal effect; the most common nowadays are Angostura bitters). But cocktails had yet to really take off. That all changed during Prohibition. The alcohol which was smuggled in from Canada, Mexico and the more enjoyable parts of the USA was rough, raw stuff, often cut with pure ethanol and other, rather less palatable adulterants. In fact, the liquor of the time was practically undrinkable. To solve this vexing problem, people turned to mixing their liquors with various other ingredients to mask the flavour. Even after Prohibition's well-deserved end, the new cocktails remained popular. Women in particular enjoyed these sweeter, less potent beverages. Men, of course, went along with them. In time, drier cocktails such as the martini were invented. One could say that the mixed drink had matured. Theory of Mixed Drinks ====================== The basic mixed drink consists of a liquor and a mixer in a ratio ranging from 1:1 to 1:2. More advanced drinks add more liquors and mixers and play with the proportions. The key is to have a final product which is not too strong, not too weak, not too sweet and not too dry. These qualities are greatly dependent on the drinker; a full-grown man is much more likely to prefer a dry martini than is a 12 year old girl. These also depend on when the drink is being consumed. Many people enjoy sweet aperitifs before dinner and drier digestifs afterwards. On the other hand, many times a sweet cocktail is drunk with dessert. Recipes ======= Notes ----- A note on using a cocktail shaker: The key when mixing drinks is that all ingredients be ice cold. If you can, refrigerate everything, including the glassware. When you use a shaker, fill it half full of ice and add the liquors and mixers. Shake very hard; a towel comes in handy if the shaker is too cold to touch -- which it should be. Immediately strain the drink out into the proper glass. A note on glassware: The proper glass is vitally important. A perfect cocktail in an ill-shaped will not taste right. A cocktail glass is the stereotypical martini glass: it looks something like an inverted triangle on a stem. A tumbler is a short wide glass often used for whiskeys on the rocks. A lowball is something like a tumbler but narrower. A highball is a standard straight-sided water glass. A Tom Collins glass is something like a highball but still narrower. Champagne is always drunk out of a flute, never out of those shallow dishes best suited for fruit salads. A note on the recipes for readers outside the US: All recipes use the standard system of units. There are several reasons for this. Perhaps the foremost is that it is rather more convenient for measuring liquids (it is based on a system of halves and doubles; these are easy to do by eye when mixing). Second is that it is what I am familiar with. Third, I have come to the conclusion, after several years of being very pro-metric, that the standard system is superior. I therefore feel no need to use it. In case some of you are not familiar, here is a quick list of the relevant units: * 1 jigger = 1.5 oz. * 1 pony = 1 oz. * 1 jack = 2 oz. * 1 jill = 2 jacks (also spelt gill) * 1 cup = 2 jills * hence 1 cup = 8 oz. * 1 pint = 2 cups * 1 quart = 2 pints * 1 oz. of water weighs 1 oz. Since a quart is just under a litre, by working backwards one finds that a cup is 0.2-0.25 litres. An ounce would be 1/8 of that, or about 30 millilitres. So if you are using metric measuring devices, use 25-30 millilitres/oz. and 38-45 millilitres/jigger. Martini ------- The martini is one of the most popular of mixed drinks in the USA. It is unfortunately unknown in Europe, (I could not find a single decent martini in London, Flanders, Northern France or Paris), except perhaps in American clubs and the like [1]. A martini is in its simplest form gin and vermouth. Depending on the proportion of vermouth, it can range from rather sweet to bone-dry. The best martinis also contain other ingredients, such as bitters, onions, olives or a lemon twist. * 1 jigger gin * 1/4 oz. vermouth * 1 dash Angostura bitters * 1 lemon twist Shake gin, vermouth and bitters with plenty of ice. Pour into cocktail glass. Take lemon peel and twist until a drop of lemon oil falls to the surface of the drink. Garnish if desired. The proportion of gin to vermouth determines the style of martini. Some swear by 3:1 or 4:1, others go as high as 6:1 and 8:1. * Extra Sweet: 1:1 * Sweet: 2:1 * Standard: 3:1-4:1 * Dry: 6:1-8:1 In-and-Out: pour vermouth in the glass, swirl, then empty. Add gin. On a related nore, some use Italian (sweet/red) vermouth in order to more perfectly obtain a 'sweet' flavour. This works particularly well with orange bitters (see below). In this case, a ratio of 1:1 white to red vermouth works well. An all-red vermouth martini is enjoyed by some but looked down upon by most. Chacon a son gout! Also very good are orange bitters. This boils down to personal preference. Some use olives or (rarely) cocktail onions. Olives can be enjoyable, but onions taste foul in a martini. The finest garnish remains the lemon twist. Never mix garnishes unless you be brave and don't mind ruining a perfectly good drink. Whiskey Sour ------------ The whiskey sour is a drink enjoyed by both men and women. It can be made with many liquors besides whiskey [2]. Particularly good is the amaretto sour. * 1 jigger whiskey * 1 jigger lemon juice * 1/2 oz. lime juice * 1/2 oz. sugar syrup Shake and pour into a tumbler over ice. Variations are performed by modifying the ratio of whiskey to sour. It is a common practice to have a pre-made sour mix ready on hand, since some guests like a very sour drink whereas others prefer to merely threaten their whiskey with a whiff of lemon scent. Sugar syrup may be made by boiling 1.5-2 cups of sugar with 2 cups of water. Some add an egg white to the mixture for texture. Red Diamond ----------- * 1 jigger bourbon * 1 jigger lime juice * 1/2 oz. sugar syrup * 1 pony grenadine * 1/2 oz. maraschino Shake and pour into two cocktail glasses. Perfect with a date. Maraschino is a red cherry-flavoured syrup [3]. College Cappuchino ------------------ * 3 jacks hot milk (3/4 cup) * 1 jigger Kahlua * 1 pony Irish cream The milk should be really hot for this one. Shake very well until the drink is full of foam. Pour into a coffee mug and drink hot. Gin-Blind --------- * 1 jigger gin * 3/4 oz. curacao (1/2 jigger) * 1/2 oz. fine cognac (or very good brandy) * dash orange bitters Shake with lots of ice, strain into a cocktail glass. Garnish with a twist of lemon (for the oil) if desired. Orange bitters are available at the larger liquor stores. Do not substitute Angostura. Admiral Schley Punch -------------------- * 3/4 oz. rum, dark (1/2 jigger) * 3/4 oz. bourbon whiskey (1/2 jigger) * 1 tsp. sugar * 1 lime Slice lime in half & juice. Place lime, peel, pulp & all in shaker. Add liquid ingredients (including lime juice). Shake with ice, pour into goblet or large wine glass, ice and all. Garnish with mint, pineapple and the like. If out of dark rum, white will do. In this case, strain and drink as a cocktail. Traditional Punch ----------------- * 1 part water * 1 part tea * 1 part alcohol (gin, vodka, bourbon, rum etc.) * 1 part sugar * 1 part lemon juice Mix together and shake with ice. Strain into a highball glass. Punch gets its name from the Hindustani 'panch,' meaning 'five' (cog. German fuenf), due to the five traditional ingredients. This punch is also excellent slightly hot. Perfect Margarita ----------------- * 1 jigger tequila * 1/2 oz. orange liqueur (e.g. Grand Marnier, Cointreau, triple sec etc.) * 1/2 oz. lime juice or sour mix (see above) Shake well, strain and pour into a cocktail, margarita, pint or highball glass. Some coat the lip with salt, some pour over ice. Gin Fizz -------- * 1 jigger of gin * 1 tsp sugar * 3-4 drops orange flower water * 1 egg white * 2 tbsp cream * juice of 1/2 lime & 1/2 lemon Chill the tumbler by filling with ice, shaking and pouring out ice. Add new ice and ingredients. Shake for at least one full minute. Strain into a thin goblet (or a chilled thicker goblet) and fill with club soda. Orange bitters can be used in place of orange flower water. Conclusion ========== These drinks should give the reader some ideas concerning what to try out. Nearly every drink idea turns out well. Don't be afraid to experiment. Just remember that no drink should be too hot (i.e. too strong) and no drink should be too weak. Strength does not necessarily come from alcohol; it also comes from strong flavours such as citrus, as well as from seltzer water. [1] Editor's Note: Robert couldn't have been looking very hard since in the UK we have Martini sold pre-mixed in large bottles in all the styles that Robert lists. Of course he could claim that pre-mixed like this they weren't _good_ Martinis. [2] Editor's Note: Brandy Sour is so popular on the Island of Cyprus that some people call it their national drink. [3] Editor's Note: Named after the Maraschino cheery funnily enough. %e *EOA* %t Cape Canaveral, Florida, USA, Earth %n 6R101 %s East Coast Place Called Space, But Without Any %i Space Coast %a Kevin McCluney (ksm44622@pegasus.cc.ucf.edu) %d 19981212 %x High School %x Fast Food %x Drivers With Hats %x Euro-Disney, Marne-le-Vallee, France, Earth %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %x Football %e The word, "Florida" roughly translates to "land covered with whole lot of plants." Apparently, the people who named this land had never been to Disney World. This is because that particular exploitation of human ignorance hadn't been grown yet. However, our sources being correct, as they always are, they did, in fact, visit the Space Coast area of Florida. The Space Coast is an unofficial name given to the central east coast of the peninsula. It is so named because it is, well, on the (a) coast. Also, the "space" part of the name was given to the area before every single retiree in the United States migrated there and used it all up. It is for this reason that the US Space Program was centered in this area. The idea was that if they could write the word "space" on the side of everything, from buildings to brownies and ice cream, that people would begin to think that they had more space than they actually did. The scheme apparently worked, as humans continue their emigration there to this day, despite the fact that all the space was used up years ago. The population of this area is, as noted above, largely skewed to the "seasoned" side. This is fully embraced by the tourism industry there, which regularly air commercials featuring a lone, young, attractive couple on a pristine, sandy beach that stretches for miles on end, the only sound being those made by the waves of seagulls. The tourism industry, it seems, was also headed by the same people who were in charge of the Space Program. The reality of the beach scene is this: it is totally amazing. The Space Coast of Florida is host to some of the most spectacular natural phenomena ever conceived. There are the rare aquatic species of the Atlantic Ocean and Indian River Lagoon areas, armadillos, beautiful oak tree-enriched forests, the sound of the beach, and the never-cold weather. Thus, the tourism industry here has fully embraced the natural systems of the Space Coast: with concrete. This brilliant scheme was devised to save the land from the outside elements by encasing the entire area with pavement, mini-malls, and surf shops, which form a protective shield from all native life, which had, up to that point, infested the whole area. Everyone knows that things such as natural dynamics, evolution, and, I dare not mention it, pristine ecosystems, are a detriment to the Industry and should be removed. Industry in this area is largely based on the Space Program. This is because there were no "useful" natural resources to exploit in this area. No oil, no farmland, no oil. Nor was there any oil. There was only swamp, scrub, beautiful beaches, lush forests, and a very dense population of native life, which, as stated above, could not be tolerated and was promptly done away with and replaced by more acceptable inhabitants. Thus, the authorities appropriately decided that they could accomplish two things with one swish of the pen: they could rid the area of indigenous life forms, and create Industry. The Industry part was, by far, the most successful. Not only were the facilities created that any self-respecting Space Program should have, but an equal, if not, greater support industry was generated. The people at the Space Center got really bored with their jobs, so they built malls, restaurants, and family fun centers. These creations had jobs that needed to be filled, so more people moved to the Space Coast. A vicious cycle ensued, leading to the proud, exemplary retirement community we have today. What To Do In The Space Coast ============================= Your average hitchhiker will find there is not much to see in the Space Coast, unless you're into one of seven things: ecology, space travel, old people, malls, mini-malls, fast food, and high school football. The ecology thing isn't recommended, especially if you love to see what's left of the Natural World before it all dies. This is only so because there is a rich, totally dynamic ecological community in the area. "Well, that's what I'm looking for," you say. Well, great, but this one's doomed. It'll save you time and heartbreak if you ignore this wonderful ecosystem. For one thing, you can't possibly learn anything substantial about it before it's gone. Second, if by some miracle you do, in fact, learn about it before it's gone, the Industry will inevitably tear it all down before you had time to show anyone else. Besides, it's far too beautiful not to love, so you're in for some major heartbreak when the bulldozers come in. Space travel, now, there's a good one. You can see the Spaceport USA tourist attraction, which is loaded with the relics of NASA's glory days. You can see the Rocket Garden, where they stick all kinds if defunct rockets and tell everyone that they actually did grow there. You can also see a mock-up of the Apollo Project command capsule, complete with a fake Neil Armstrong. There is a really cool IMAX movie theater, too. Oh, for all you shopping/spending types, Spaceport USA will be a great one for you. Although there is, regrettably, no admission fee, everything there is to do inside (like IMAX and the tour bus) costs money. Besides, at least half of the buildings at Spaceport USA are gift shops and burger joints. Rest assured that your tax money may be enough to fund the entire Space Program, but isn't nearly enough to feed you while you're there. Old People ---------- Oh, yeah, old people. They are the most dominant species at the Space Coast. Nary a driver alive hasn't felt the wrath of Slow-type old people driver going 30 in a 60 zone. This is the most common breed of old person driver. The most dangerous one, though, is the Jetter-type. The Jetter is notorious for cutting into traffic in a most ingenious way: They wait. They never accept anything but 20-centimeter spaces in which to fit their huge gas-guzzlers. They wait until a victim, who is obviously in a hurry, to be following fairly closely to the car ahead, and then, they jet in front of them at breakneck speed, only to morph into their more common brethren, the Slow-type old person, once they have gained a spot on the road. They never will pull in behind someone who is in a hurry, only in front. Old people chose Florida to live in because of the temperature: it's quite hot. It seldom drops below 90 Fahrenheit, and humidity is almost always above 95%. As you may know, meat doesn't do well in high-temp, high humidity areas. It tends to rot in these circumstances. Thus, old people are presumably on a self-destructive orgy of death, sitting and feeling the very flesh rot off of their bones. Who knows why, but, hey, whatever floats your boat, I guess. Malls ----- Old people love malls, for some cosmic reason. This leads to the next area of interest in the Space Coast: malls. For some reason, they attract people form every stratum of society: old people, crazy people who talk to themselves, what some call "normal" people (never seen one, but they must be out there,) and teenie-boppers. Thus, tourists go to malls in order to fit in with the locals. This is a futile attempt, as the locals don't fit in either. The mall is a great opportunity for the hitchhiker to see what strags in the Space Coast do on their day off. If you don't have the time for a mall, visit a mini-mall. These are nearly identical to the standard mall, except that they are more common, are open-air type things, and always have a (random one-syllable word or letter here)-Mart and/or a grocery store, with various "support" shops and restaurants. It is notable, though, that the most prominent aspect of any mini-mall is its parking lot. In the parking lot, you can find the various methods the locals use for transportation, and, in most cases, a fast food joint of some sort. Food And Stuff -------------- The inhabitants of the Space Coast (and the whole of Central Florida, for that matter) seem bent on totally encasing the land with fast food joints. They never have enough, and as soon as one pops up on some random street corner, eight more are soon to follow, all of which serve the same "cuisine". It is to be noted, also, that the only difference between these myriad fast food places is the name, wrapper, monthly contest, and kiddie prizes (where applicable.) As to the explanation of why there are so many of the same thing, it seems that the local Space Coast inhabitant is extremely "busy". It seems that if you lack the energy to drive an extra mile or so, and lack the further energy required to actually enter the restaurant in question (hence the drive-through window,) you are considered "busy" and "active" by the community. It is to be noted that the locals of the Space Coast have a preoccupation with automobiles (as does much of the rest of the USA,) as well as a preoccupation with shortness of transit time. This is ironic, as people who love cars would, presumably, not mind driving an extra mile for yet more fast food. This is an unsolved mystery, and is worth further investigation. Perhaps the most frequent patrons of the fast food restaurant is the high school football player. It is only logical that an athlete would want to feed him/her/itself with the finest, most nutritious food nature's bounty can offer. Thus, they eat fast food, which is renowned throughout the galaxy as, perhaps, the greatest source of grease and preservatives known. Is it possible that old people know about this, and eat vast quantities of fast food simply for the lubricating quality of grease, as well as the longevity associated with preservatives. High school football is extremely popular in the Space Coast, even if you aren't in high school (and, in some cases, especially so.) You see, there are but a few things to do for entertainment in this area. Some are mentioned above. Another is watching the various space vehicles lift off from the launch pads. However, these launches aren't usually scheduled for Friday nights, which is when your typical American wants to get out and have a "good" time. Thus, high school ball, which is conveniently scheduled, is quite the in thing. Football itself is an interesting topic, and is not the subject here. However, suffice to say is that many people who watch high school football in the Space Coast know alarmingly little about it. This is interesting, as many of these same people revolve their lives around it. Such is the typical inhabitant of the Space Coast, and, indeed, the United States of America (which is, also, a topic unto itself). %e *EOA* %t Theory Of Everything, The %n 6R102 %s The Search For A Grand Unification Theory %a A. L. Kaczmarowski (suisei@aol.com) %d 19980328 %i Grand Unified Theory %i TOE %x May The Forces Be With You %x Gravity %x Law Of Gravity, The %x Einstein, Albert, The Non-Existence Of %x Light, Space, Time, And Imagination %x Acronyms %x Light %x Light, Speed Of, Why It Is Finite %x Alternate Universes %x Schroedinger's Cat %x Quantum Mechanics Of Sandwiches In Lunchboxes %x Genesis Revisited %x Classification Of Religions %x Meaning, The, A Non-Religious View %x Mathematical Model Of God And Jesus %k Unification, Everything, Physics, Science, GUT, TOE, Theory, Religion %e The Theory Of Everything ======================== Imagine a world in which everything is explained, in which human beings would know why they act, how they think, and how they came to be. A complete understanding of the entire universe would flow from one single equation: a grand unified theory. Finding such a theory has been the dream of physicists since the idea was first proposed by Isaac Newton, and lately, with technological advances bearing such names as particle accelerators and supercolliders, science is getting closer and closer to finding this theory. Along with the knowledge, however, comes speculation and debate. Some scientists do not see the need for a grand unified theory, sometimes dubbed a "theory of everything". However, such a theory would offer insight into nature and the forces that shaped our lives. The search for a grand unified theory is an important and potentially valuable step for all humankind. The Search Begins ================= The search began with Isaac Newton. He first proposed the idea that one great theory might exist that would link all the other known theories. This theory would provide one blanket statement that would describe everything in the entire universe, known and unknown. Other physicists, starting with Albert Einstein, began searching for this grand unified theory, which, through their love of acronyms, they affectionately called GUT. Some even started calling it a theory of everything, which led to the acronym TOE. They started with four basic forces: the gravitational force, which Newton had earlier found to explain gravity; the electromagnetic force, a linked theory of electricity and magnetism; the strong nuclear force, which holds the nucleus of the atom together; and the weak nuclear force, which is involved in the decay of atoms. In 1979, Sheldon Glashow, Steven Weinberg, and Abdus Salam combined the theories of electromagnetic and weak interactions into the electroweak theory (_Elementary Particles_). This was a gigantic step toward a GUT because it showed how two of the four main forces could be linked together with theories. Experiments =========== Theories are not enough for physicists, though. They are looking for tangible particles to explain and give concrete proof for the theories. The probability of finding new particles is growing as elementary particle physicists are gaining the ability to smash atoms together at incredibly high speeds. This is done in particle accelerators and supercolliders, which are large devices built to accelerate individual particles to almost the speed of light. The particles are then placed in line with other particles. The two bits of matter collide and produce astounding results; they are either broken into component pieces or fused together to create bigger, more massive particles. Both outcomes can be studied to provide more insight into the realm of the infinitesimally small. Plans for the world's largest supercollider are now being developed by the Conseil Europen pour la Recherche Nuclaire, known in America as CERN (Dawson). This would be the furthest step ever taken by scientists, and the supercollider would have the capabilities of accelerating particles to faster speeds. Protons are often the particles accelerated, because of their small mass and relative stability. They are smashed into antiprotons, the particles with characteristics exactly opposite those of the proton. The second choice of particle physicists is the electron, being almost massless and easy to accelerate, smashing it into its opposite particle, the positron. All this accelerating and colliding was meant to prove the existence of some fundamental particle, something which was the building block of all matter and could not be divided. Several hundred new particles were found, most of which could only exist within the stability of the accelerator. Some physicists, though, likened the finding of this array of particles to unscientific studies. In describing supercolliders, Victor Weisskoph analogizes, "If you want to know what is inside two Swiss watches, you bang them together as hard as you can and see what comes out" (Fisher). However unscientific, this "banging" has proven fruitful to scientists. They have found that in all the new particles they created, there were only twelve basic particles, called "matter particles", which form everything known to humankind. They have also found several messenger particles, which carry the forces between the matter particles, and physicists hypothesize about more elusive messenger particles, like the yet undiscovered graviton, thought to carry the force of gravity, which they cannot create as of now. The direct result of all these studies is that scientists have taken the data and proposed a Standard Model, a "collection of theories that are brilliantly successful at delineating all the known truly elemental particles and their interactions" (Fisher). The Road To A Grand Unified Theory ================================== The Standard Model, General Relativity, And Quantum Mechanics ------------------------------------------------------------- The Standard Model proposes a set of theories that explains the forces and the interactions between particles. These theories are basically accepted by physicists as accurate in describing the known universe. For most, however, even though they accept the Standard Model, they feel there is more to be discovered. There are two main theories that are used to describe everything; general relativity, proposed by Einstein and describing gravity as a result of curvature of space-time, and quantum mechanics, which describes force in terms of little packages (Bartusiak). Physicists are searching for a GUT to describe all the known and unknown with one unified equation. Marcia Bartusiak likens making these two theories compatible to "bowling with tiddlywinks" or "jump-starting a car with an eggbeater". To create a bridge between these two theories, some physicists have developed new hypotheses. One such hypothesis is called string theory. String Theory ------------- String theory proposes that at the "Planck length," ten to the power of -33 centimeters, smooth space-time dissolves into tiny vibrating loops called strings (Odenwald). These strings comprise the entire universe and everything in it, including space-time itself. The strings are identical, but depending on how they vibrate, they form everything in the universe: quarks, electrons, neutrinos, and all other particles (Taubes, _A Theory of Everything_). The only catch to this theory is that it requires the strings to vibrate in ten dimensions (Kaku). In our known world, there are four dimensions: three of space and one of time. Physicists are just beginning to learn how to work in the extra six dimensions essential to string theory. They call this six-dimensional space "phase space", and roll the dimensions up into tiny objects called "Calabi-Yau compactifications" (Cole). With these six-dimensional compactifications, though, comes a multitude of four-dimensional solutions to the theory. The main goal of physicists now is to choose the correct one that corresponds to our universe. String theory holds much potential for physicists, but it is complicated and confusing, and thus has driven many scientists out of the field. In a new variant on string theory, black holes and strings are shown to be fundamentally alike, evolving into one another during a crucial point in the theorems called a "phase change" (Taubes, _How Black Holes_). These phase changes also link the Calabi-Yau compactifications, previously thought to be distinct entities. So-called dark matter, or "sparticles" (short for super particles) also helps string theory (Kaku). Sparticles serve to reduce the number of four-dimensional possibilities to string theory and make it considerably easier for physicists to find the real-world equivalent to the hypothesis (Peterson, _Strings and Webs_). Michio Kaku insists that ten dimensions are necessary for string theory, because no fewer than ten dimensions can account for both general relativity and quantum mechanics, but Stan Odenwald maintains that it is possible to build working GUTs within four-dimensional space-time. Supersymmetry ------------- A separate theory, but still along these lines, is called supersymmetry. Supersymmetry maintains that there is a constant underlying symmetry between everything in the universe, that everything is alike underneath its appearance to humankind. Like string theory, supersymmetry includes more than the normal four dimensions that have been accepted by scientists. It is known to physicists that symmetry helps unify theories, and more dimensions means more symmetry, so there is a greater chance with supersymmetry that the forces can be linked together (Cole). Superstring Theory ------------------ Neither of these theories, string theory or supersymmetry, can by themselves form a GUT, though, but physicists have made some progress linking the two to form a completely unified GUT. These theories linked together is called superstring theory. According to David H. Freedman, string theory is a "natural foundation" for superstrings, which are strings having the properties of supersymmetry. They are the same underneath, but depending on the frequency at which the superstrings vibrate, they can form particles or even forces. The symmetries of the particles can be glimpsed in proton collisions in particle accelerators. The collider at Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory in Illinois has produced, by means of a proton-antiproton collision, results that fit the assumptions of supersymmetry (Peterson, _Hint of Supersymmetry_). Supersymmetry looks to be the most promising road to a GUT. Physics And Religion ==================== Despite the lure of a true GUT, many people oppose the principle behind such a theory. Fundamentalists in particular are against it, saying that a GUT will undermine faith and religious beliefs. They have traditionally been opposed to anything that even slightly deviates from the bible, believing instead in its literal interpretation, including the story of creation. They do not accept the big bang theory or the theory of evolution. However, some physicists say that religion and science are compatible. John Polkinghorne states that many people presume science is atheistic, but in fact, science asks the question "how", and leaves the following question, "why", up to the individual. Fundamentalists also believe that if a GUT is found, humanity might find no reason at all why they exist, and will lose all conscience. Steven Weinburg counters: "... if the laws of nature cannot give us a sense of conscience, neither can they take it away". He continues to say that some religious beliefs are inappropriate in this age of science and technology, and science's greatest service to humanity might be to take away those "childish" beliefs and help humanity "grow up". The apex of the debate, however, is reached by Polkinghorne and George Greenstein, who say that our universe could not exist without the careful balance of the forces. If the forces were not exactly the strength they are, human life could never have evolved. Everything in the creation of the universe, Polkinghorne says, is so "finely tuned" that those who choose to believe in a creator have plenty of room alongside scientific theory to see threads of intelligence, or God, behind the seeming chaos of the creation of the universe. Science and religion can not only co-exist, they can thrive off each other. Conclusion ========== Science has come a long way since the time that Isaac Newton first proposed the notion of a grand unified theory. Supercolliders and other particle accelerators have shown elementary particle physicists a whole new world of particles, and they have been able to show that only twelve of these make up everything in the known universe. They have found many particles also that do not exist under normal conditions, but that pop in and out of the vacuum of space to carry the basic forces. Physicists have been able to create theories like the string theory and supersymmetry to explain these events, and have unified the two to create superstring theory. Science has taken a lot of flack for its search for a GUT, but many physicists argue that science and religion are completely compatible. The search for a grand unified theory is indeed a valuable one, and should be continued in order to further the understanding of all humankind. Works Cited =========== * Bartusiak, Marcia, _Loops of Space_, Discover, April 1993: 60-68. * Cole, K. C., _Escape From 3-D_, Discover, July 1993: 52-62. * Dawson, Jim, _Another Bit of the Big Bang_, Minneapolis, MN Star Tribune 22, January 1995: 15A+. * _Elementary Particles_, Microsoft Encarta 1994, CD-ROM. * Fisher, Arthur, _Searching for the Beginning of Time: The Cosmic Connection_, Popular Science, April 1991: 70+. * Freedman, David H., _The New Theory of Everything_, Discover, August 1991: 54-61. * Greenstein, George, _Through the Looking Glass_, Astronomy, October 1989: 20-28. * Kaku, Michio, _What Happened Before the Big Bang?_, Astronomy, May 1996: 34-41. * Murphy, James T. and Paul W. Zitzewitz, _Physics: Principles and Problems_, Merrill Publishing Company, Columbus, Ohio, 1990. * Odenwald, Sten, _Space-time: the Final Frontier_, Sky & Telescope, February 1996: 24-29. * Peterson, Ivars, _Hint of Supersymmetry in Proton Collision_, Science News, 13 April (vol. 149 iss. 15) 1996: 231. * _Strings and Webs: Tying Black Holes to Elementary Particles in String Theory_, Science News, 26 August (vol. 148 iss. 9) 1995: 140-141. * Polkinghorne, John, _So Finely Tuned a Universe: Of atoms, stars, quanta, and God_, Commonweal, 16 August (vol. 123 iss. 14) 1996: 11-18. * Scherer, Sarah Williams, _Physics and Astronomy's Strange Language: How to Befuddle the Public_, USA Today magazine, January 1995: 42-43. * Taubes, Gary, _How Black Holes May Get String Theory out of a Bind_, Science, 23 June (vol. 268) 1995: 1699. * _A Theory of Everything Takes Shape_, Science, 15 September (vol. 269 iss. 5230) 1995: 1511-1513. * Weinburg, Steven, _At Last; What Sort of World is This?_, Forbes ASAP, 2 December 1996: 191-192. %e *EOA* %t London Underground, The %n 6R103 %s The Tube %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19990630 %d 19990723 %i Subway System, London, England, UK, Earth *%x Trafalgar Square And Its Pigeons, London, England, UK, Earth %x London, England, UK, Earth %x National Gallery, London, England, UK, Earth %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %x Subway System, New York City, New York, USA, Earth %x Busker's Arc *%l Link: http://www.londontransport.co.uk/underground/ %k %e The funny thing about the London Underground, or the Tube, as it is usually called [1], is that it doesn't go underground _that_ much. OK, in the inner city it does, but further out you can view the country/cityscape and some grassy ramps to your heart's content. The London Underground must be one of the easier subway systems to use. There are very clear maps of the network which use colour coded lines, and which give clear indications of all stations and where you can hop over to another line. These lines have funny names such as the "Waterloo and City" [3], the "Jubilee" [4], and the "Picadilly" [5] Lines. Their positions on the map, however, give virtually no indication of their actual geographical locations, or relative distances. Nonetheless, things can still go wrong. You become aware of this when you enter a station. These are built as mazes, designed for you to completely lose your bearings. Bigger stations, where many lines converge, are particularly good in confusing you. I haven't been able to discover if this puzzling architecture was necessary because of the locations of the many entrances, exits, and of the lines, or if it was due to some designers having a laugh in a back room. _Do_ pay attention in which direction your train is going. The stations also contain some of the largest escalators I have seen, and floors that get very slippery when it's wet, which in London it often is. Often there are multiple ways of getting to your destination, especially if you have to travel a long distance. As all stations are alike (the underground ones, that is [6]), I would advise you to choose the route that makes your time underground as short as possible [7]. Don't take this advice during rush-hours though, as you will want to select a line based on the degree to which you're all willing to resemble sardines in a tin. Well behaved sardines, I must add. Tickets. You can buy tickets at ticket machines, or, if you get confused or only carry paper money in large denominations, at a booth with an actual person. Some machines only accept coins and 5 pound notes, but many also accept 10 and 20 pound notes. Having coins is safer, as it is possible that the machine doesn't contain change. Look at the red LED sign above the machine, which says whether there is or isn't change. There are two main types of ticket machine. The first has a few buttons for the most common fares (one destination, single or return ticket; travel cards for a whole day or week, with which you can travel different amounts of zones which lie concentric around the centre of London). The other has over two hundred buttons, one for every station and ticket type. I found that you mostly only need two zones. Don't forget that you will need your magnetic-strip card to get outside the station as well, so don't throw it away! There used to be cheap (if you don't give them money) `entertainment' in the form of buskers, but they are not allowed to play inside the stations anymore -- this doesn't stop them though. They _are_ allowed to smell just outside the stations though. Underground weather report: warm, with regular gusts of wind (perfect to dry your hair in.) [1] The rest of the world calls it the Subway [2]. [2] Except Alex, who says: "A Subway is a passenger tunnel under a road." [3] This line _only_ goes between two stations, Waterloo and Bank (which is in _the City_). If you get on one of those trains you can see a map inside it which only has two stations on it. [4] Always makes me think of the Marvel comic _The X-men_. The Jubilee line extension is constantly being delayed, but it is now finished (or about to...). It breaks down a lot, but it looks very flash, being so new. [5] Piccalilli, HAHAHAHA! [6] Although some people (idiot savants in particular) can identify a station in London simply by the curve of the ceiling. True! [7] Unless you're doing a study on what people look like when they have nothing much to do. %e *EOA* %t Kokomo, Indiana, USA, Earth %d 19981015 %a Christophe de Dinechin (ddd@cup.hp.com) %s You Won't Have Heard Of It, It's Not Eerie %n 6R104 %x Area 51 %x Incident At Roswell, The %x Earth %e Summary ======= An amazingly low number of books have been written on Kokomo. By some remarkable coincidence, this happens to almost exactly match, with a somewhat pathetic precision, the total amount of interest that this city represents for the rest of the Universe. There is only one reasonable advice to give to the hitchhiker who would plan to stop in Kokomo: forget it. Directions ========== These directions are given from Rachel, just a few nanoparsecs away from Area 51. Area 51 is probably a good place to start with, if you want to land your flying saucer after a long and boring trip in hyperspace. One of the reasons is that Area 51 is, as of today, one of the rare places on Earth where the sight of a real flying saucer does not cause the immediate apparition of ufologists, cameramen, journalists, special-effect specialists, sci-fi writers, psychiatrics, exobiologists, crop-circle-ologists, parapsycho-scientologists, Roswell-creatures' stunt doubles, car-insurance brokers, and cheap hot-dogs shops. Note that this is mostly because Area 51 is a restricted area. So you should not land there, unless you feel your flying saucer is lacking these nice air vents created by the impact of high-speed projectiles. However, you may land in Rachel, since this is the usual rendezvous for the above ufologists, cameramen, journalists, special-effect specialists, sci-fi writers, psychiatrics, exobiologists, crop-circle-ologists, parapsycho-scientologists, Roswell-creatures' stunt doubles, car-insurance brokers, and cheap hot-dogs shops, and nobody there believes in UFOs anymore [1]. From: Rachel, Nevada To: Kokomo, Indiana Estimated Distance: 1984.5 miles Estimated Time: 2715 mins 1) Start out going East on SR-375 towards TEMPIUTE RD. (39.1 miles) 2) SR-375 becomes SR-318. (0.6 miles) 3) Turn RIGHT onto US-93. (54.7 miles) 4) Turn LEFT onto SR-168. (23.8 miles) 5) Take the I-15 SOUTH ramp. (0.3 miles) 6) Merge onto I-15 S. (14.6 miles) 7) Take the NV-169 EAST exit (0.3 miles) 8) Turn LEFT onto SR-169. (0.1 miles) 9) Turn LEFT to take the I-15 NORTH ramp. (0.1 miles) 10) Merge onto I-15 N. (209.7 miles) 11) Take the I-70 EAST exit (0.6 miles) 12) Merge onto I-70 E. (142.2 miles) 13) Turn SLIGHT LEFT at the intersection of REST AREA ACC to stay on I-70 E. (358.7 miles) 14) Turn SLIGHT RIGHT at the intersection of I-76 E to stay on I-70 E. (545.3 miles) 15) Take the I-70 EAST/KANSAS TURNPIKE exit on left towards LAWRENCE/KANSAS CITY. (0.3 miles) 16) Merge onto I-70 TOLL E. (35.5 miles) 17) I-70 TOLL E becomes I-70 E. (20.2 miles) 18) Take the I-670 exit on left. (4.1 miles) 19) Merge onto I-70 E. (228.9 miles) 20) Take the I-270 exit (0.2 miles) 21) Take the I-270 NORTH exit on left towards CHICAGO. (0.9 miles) 22) Merge onto I-270 N. (29.7 miles) 23) Turn SLIGHT LEFT onto I-70 E. (213.3 miles) 24) Take the I-74 WEST/I-465 NORTH exit (0.3 miles) 25) Merge onto I-465 N. (14.9 miles) 26) Take the exit. (0.2 miles) 27) Take the I-465 EAST/US-52 EAST exit. (0.2 miles) 28) Merge onto I-465 E. (5.3 miles) 29) Take the US-31/MERIDIAN ST. exit (0.4 miles) 30) Keep LEFT at the fork in the ramp. (0.1 miles) 31) Turn SLIGHT LEFT onto US-31 N. (36.4 miles) 32) Turn LEFT onto E ALTO RD. (0.1 miles) 33) Turn RIGHT onto S LAFOUNTAIN ST. (0.8 miles) 34) S LAFOUNTAIN ST becomes S WASHINGTON ST. (1.8 miles) 35) Turn RIGHT onto W MARKLAND AVE. (0.0 miles) 36) Turn LEFT onto S WASHINGTON ST. (0.7 miles) You will know that you arrived if the only remarkable thing in the surrounding landscape is some huge red and white gas tank about the same size as the Empire State Building. Actually, it is not that big, but the rest of the landscape is so flat that in comparison, the Empire State Building seems almost invisible. And the Empire State Building is not painted in red and white, as if jet pilots would otherwise think this big thing is someone else's problem. Centers Of Interest =================== The creatures of Kokomo have created a unique model of the Universe, in which there are only two entities from which everything else derives: the Car and the Corn. Luckily, the Car and Corn model correctly describes their region of the Galaxy. Huge factories busily assemble car components that will soon be destroyed in gigantic stock-car races at the nearby Indianapolis circuit. The rest of the ground, that is the surface which does not contain car factories or car destruction areas, is occupied by growing cereals, such as corn. Cereals are so ubiquitous that, except in the vicinity of the Indianapolis circuit, their smell disputes it even to car exhaust fumes. Before visiting Kokomo, you would probably not even notice that cereals smell. After visiting Kokomo, you will wish they would not. Beyond watching car stock-piling at Indianapolis, the major occupation in Kokomo is watching corn grow. The third local occupation, when not watching cars self-destruct in vain attempts to escape a desperately boring oval circuit, and watching corn grow, is watching rain fall. It is amazing how much water can fall in Kokomo. When it does not rain, you generally regret it, because the average temperature is slightly above what the normal hitchhiker would be willing to tolerate. When it rains, don't bother trying to protect you the usual way: the air gets so humid that your own clothes will wet you, dripping from the inside. Otherwise, the only funny place in Kokomo is some sort of farm on the road to Indianapolis, where they have all strange sorts of animals, like kangaroos, llamas, camels, and so on. Apparently, this is not a zoo. These animals seem to be there waiting to be eaten, but this is just a wild and totally uninformed guess. Anyway, this is probably useful information to the lost hitchhiker, who might find here a proper means of transportation. Of course, this applies best to hitchhikers of a species small enough to hide in a kangaroo's pocket. Where To Go =========== Finding a hotel in Kokomo is not necessarily difficult. The real problem is surviving it. Fortunately, the presence of the large car factories draw a few foreigners on business trip in Kokomo. Hotels tend to know intuitively that corporate travelers will often pay an unreasonable amount of money for low-quality lodging. This, combined with a healthy lack of competition, ensures that all two hotels of Kokomo will be too expensive for the average hitchhiker. Take this as a rather fortunate event, since not staying in these hotels will significantly increase your survival chances. If you insist on using the hotels, here are a few tips from a survivor. Upon arrival, have your Guide handy. Showing it will not give you any discount, but at least, you will have something to read while waiting for someone to take care of you. Start reading from letter A, and you will probably be reading the article on Zygomatics for the second time before the person at the counter finally gives up his or her attempt to discourage you from waiting. From experience, a huge pile of luggage does not help to reduce the waiting time. If you stay long enough you will have mushrooms growing on every available surface. Mushrooms tend to be extremely prolific in the humid atmosphere of Kokomo. On the other hand, watching guests move their heavy luggage around is one of the rare distractions for hotel staff in Kokomo, so don't expect them to help you and reduce their fun. One of the hotels in Kokomo made an interesting innovation by locating the guest rooms in the basement, with a tiny window that gives you a perfect view of the exhausts of parked cars. You will soon discover that this window does not open, since the most normal reaction of an oxygen-breathing being when entering an hotel room in Kokomo is to grasp for fresh air. This is essentially because "Non smoking room" has a different meaning there. It means that there is no longer enough oxygen left from previous smokers to allow you to light up an additional cigarette, so the room is temporarily tagged "Non smoking". The ominous air conditioning device is of little use, because its fan consumes all available electrical power solely for the production of noise. My personal first reaction was to jump to the floor and crawl for cover under the bed, until I realized it was not an earthquake but the way this remarkable device encouraged me to save electricity and accept the local temperature as a immutable fact. An alternate solution for the sensitive nose is to ask to the counter if you could have an ambient smell for your non-smoking room other than "Cigarette by Marlboro". Most other hotels where I tried that immediately crumble in apologies and offer you another room, and then give you a courtesy drink to accept waiting while fourteen employees move your belongings from one room to the next. In Kokomo, after you insist a lot, you get an annoyed someone might say "OK, OK, we will do something. Just wait in your room". Exactly one hour later, long after your brain gave up fighting against nicotine and happily started creating nice-looking hallucinations for your enlightenment, someone enters your room using their pass (why bother knocking?), stares at you saying "Oh, you're here" in a tone that leaves no doubt about the total lack of sympathy, and then starts spraying around a rather toxic chemical, which makes you regret the cold tobacco perfume. Then, the employee says "You should not stay there, it will be unpleasant for an hour or two", and disappears. Since you have no choice, you decide to try the swimming pool (closed for repair -- but the sign indicating this has been there for so long that it would need repair itself), the restaurant (there is none), the fitness center (under construction), the bar (the TV is broken, or maybe it is just that you can't receive TV from there, but the local beverages make up for interesting chemical analysis experiments; just don't try to drink them). So you end up on the parking lot, watching the rain fall. When you re-enter your room two hours later, you can discover that the chemical and tobacco have blended together almost perfectly, ensuring you a very unpleasant night trying not to breathe. Food ==== The local cuisine consists mostly of hot-fried grease served on dirty plates. There is no notion of "wine". When you ask for wine, you get a sparkling bubbling liquid, reportedly made from various other southern-European beverages, which tastes like nothing else. However, this liquid is quite necessary to help you digest -- or, more accurately, dissolve -- the local food. Most digestive systems will not be strong enough, and might try to escape your body without this assistance. As said before, the hotels don't have restaurants. In addition, restaurants in Kokomo are not located near the hotels, but rather just far enough away that you will be soaked by rain if you walk there, and just close enough that the time it takes to start your car (it takes a while when there is more water than oxygen in the air) will be considerable compared to the time it takes to drive there. Restaurants in Kokomo close at 9:00 PM. There is an immutable fact; argument serves no purpose. If you traveled across half the Galaxy, then half the planet, and stop in Kokomo at 9:05 PM, you are out of luck. You won't have anything to eat until the next day, no matter how much you plead or beg (bribes are likewise ineffective). Or you could wait until it rains again, and mushrooms start growing on your luggage. [1] Editor 8's Note: If you can detect the logic in this paragraph, you will, if you go to your local hypnotherapist, find out that you have actually been born on Pluto. %e *EOA* %t Listie, Pennsylvania, USA, Earth %n 8R100 %s Quaint Doesn't Even Begin To Cover It %a David L. Kaufman (gunboy3@surfshop.net) %d 19981122 %x Earth %x Hunting %i Redneckville, USA %e Listie is a small town approximately an hour and fifteen minutes east of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, off of the Pennsylvania Turnpike. Listie is the epitome of redneck small-town white-trash behind-the-times America, and that is what makes it such an interesting place for the intrepid hitchhiker! Listie is the sort of town that only the most capable hitchhiker should enter, for the natives thereof are not exactly friendly to unusual looking people. Hitchhikers possessing more than four limbs and/or more than five digits on each extremity are hereby advised to stay away from Listie, for the natives there view anything not vaguely humanoid as "game" and are likely to use primitive firearms in order to kill/maim the unsuspecting hitchhiker. However, for those of us who have humanoid characteristics, Listie is one of the more interesting places to spend a weekend evening. The main place of social interaction in Listie is called Fitzie's Pub. Fitzie's is a small, dingy looking bar that has seen much hard use by the natives, and has probably even seen it's better days (though imagining Fitzie's to be in any other shape borders on the impossible). Many a resident of the surrounding area had his/her first drink at Fitzie's (most at not much older than birth!) This causes a fierce loyalty to the place, and one definitely should not make fun of Fitzie's when any true Listieman is near, for bodily harm could ensue. The second main attraction of Listie is 4K's recycling, where one can convert almost anything to cash. 4K's will recycle everything from soda cans to copper, even if that copper is still inside the radiator and the radiator is still inside your car. Needless to say, 4K's is a large source of revenue for the town, especially for Fitzie's, as most of the cash gained at 4K's is spent at Fitzie's. The only other thing of note in Listie would be Flick's taxidermy. Here is the place that most of the older male residents of Listie owe large quantities of money, due to the fact that a native Listieman's second passion, after the shooting and killing of unusual and/or tasty critters (and they don't have much of a discerning taste), is having their victims stuffed, in order to be put on display in their homes as a sort of barbaric trophy of their accomplishments. Again, the hitchhiker must beware, for if he is found to be fair game, this could be his fate. All in all, Listie is an interesting and somewhat unusual place, one that most of us would not like to live in, but rather just point out and ridicule occasionally. Just not within earshot of Listie. %e *EOA* %t Food, Entertaining Methods Of Eating %n 8R101 %s Who Says Lunchtime Should Be Dull? %a Jackson Ferrell (TowelMan42@juno.com) %d 19980117 %i Fun With Food %x Lunch %x Quantum Mechanics Of Sandwiches In Lunchboxes %x Quartered Sandwiches %x Cuisine Unauthentique %x Fast Food %x Pizza %x Fossilised Hamburger Of St Albert, The %x Taco Moose %x Food Conspiracy, The %x Poutine %e Food has a mostly untapped potential to be very fun and exciting. However, almost nobody (aside of persons less than five years old) recognizes this potential. Though I don't agree with the four-and-under crowd's assumption that food is to be worn and thrown, not eaten, I do believe ingestion is an unnecessarily dull activity. So, I shall now explain interesting and entertaining ways to eat. Bear in mind, though, that some of these methods have a tendency to attract unwanted attention and odd glances. They also may make people consider you "some kind of nut" [1]. I'm not saying it's not worth it; I'm just saying you should be aware of possible consequences. With that out of the way, let's get down to business: Method 1: Waffle Fry Sandwiches ================================ You may be familiar with a certain restaurant chain called Chik-Fil-A. They mainly serve various chicken-based foods, but they also serve waffle fries. These are a special kind of french fry which resemble waffles [2]. To enjoy your waffle fries even more, find two waffle fries of more or less equal size. Apply ketchup to one, then apply the other to the ketchup. Do not apply excess ketchup, as this may cause unwanted ketchup leakage onto your shirt. Method 2: Dipping ================== Dipping is a very entertaining activity, although it can be considered inappropriate and weird in some situations. I'm sure you're already familiar with the dipping procedure, so I'll go on to say more important stuff. Do not be constrained by typical dipping concepts. Dip your cookies in soda. Dip your carrot sticks in applesauce. Try new, inventive ways of dipping! Make your own mixtures in which to dip food! Be brave! Be bold! Be creative! Method 3: Pizza ================ There are many ways to eat pizza. Here are some: 1) Take a slice of pizza. Fold it over on itself. Ingest with zest [3]. 2) Make a pizza stack. Put one slice of pizza atop another. You can continue the stack past two slices, but it's recommended you stop at five, assuming your mouth is an average-sized mouth and you intend to actually eat your stack. 3) With condiments. Mustard on pizza? Heck, why not? 4) Get a slice. Pick off all the toppings, cheese included, and place them aside. Repeat with a few more slices, then eat all the toppings at once. 5) Use a fork, spoon, or knife [4]. Method 4: Contests =================== Food contests can add fun and excitement to an otherwise boring mealtime. Generally, the idea is to see who can eat the most food, possibly in the quickest amount of time. Invent your own rules and objective. For example, who can come up with the strangest combination of food and eat it. The tough part, obviously, is eating it. These aren't the only ways to enjoy your meals; in fact, I've barely scratched the surface. These ideas should serve as a guide to inventing your own exciting techniques for eating. Look at your food in new ways [5]. Don't be confined by preconceived notions of how to eat things. Perhaps the best guideline is what I said before: Be brave! Be bold! Be creative! [1] Unless, of course, you typically dine with toddlers. In which case people may already consider you a nut. [2] Does syrup taste good on them? I've no idea. Try it; see how it tastes. [3] I don't know what this is supposed to mean, but it sure sounds cool. [4] Not recommended. _Really_ not recommended. [5] Literally and figuratively. %e *EOA* %t Lifeguards And Lifesaving %n 8R102 %s And You Thought It Was Safe To Go Into The Water %a Alex Gough (alexander.gough@st-hughs.oxford.ac.uk) %d 19991017 %x Swimming With Clothes On %x Swimming-Pool Games %x Boredom %x Towels %k First Aid, Swimming, Baywatch, Pool, Sea, Save, Rescue, Lassie %e A lifeguard is a person employed to watch over an area of water and prevent the onset of drowning [1] in anyone swimming in said water. The media, especially the David Hasslehof production _Baywatch_, would have us believe that all lifeguards are perfect specimens of the human race, fit in both body and mind, with only the welfare of beach or pool-living people on their minds. We are also told that a lifeguard spends his day sitting on a beach occasionally rising to his feet to heroically save whoever last fell from the pier or became involved in a motor-boat crash. While a nice image, this function is actually fulfilled by Lassie the wonder dog (What Lassie? Timmy? Drowning off the coast of California? Woof! Oh.) and most lifeguards are students who work in municipal swimming pools to fund their Saturday expeditions to public bars or night-clubs. In truth the majority of a lifeguard's time will be spent telling teenage children "not to run on the side" or, on an interesting day "not to dive in the shallow end". This is because people rarely do anything as stupid as drowning themselves. A lifeguard might also pass the time by swinging his whistle round like a drum majorette or inventing a new way of casually walking along the side of a pool. A lifeguard might also fulfill other tasks, such as regulating the passage of bathers down a water slide or suffering inane abuse from maladjusted seven-year-olds who `want to marry him'. As well as professional lifeguards (if students could ever be called professionals) there are also a large number of voluntary lifeguards. These `lifesavers' spend their free time learning first aid and swimming skills so that if they ever found someone floundering in a canal or lake they would be able to help them get out of difficulties. Some of these lifesavers also form clubs and enter lifesaving competitions, to see who is the best at saving lives. You might well ask how it is possible to have a lifesaving competition. They are very simple events, a group of volunteers will pretend to drown in an appropriate location (for instance, a lake) and teams of two will then have to rescue as many of them as possible in ninety seconds with a judge awarding points for special flair. There might also be towing races and rope throwing rallies. Of course all lifeguards or life savers are highly trained, so for once it should be safe to go into the water. A lifeguard is also someone who is very likely to know where their towel is, making them a rather hoopy bunch of froods. [1] Drowning is a rare medical condition, involving a small volume of water and the loss of a person's life. It is thus considered to be a Very Bad Thing Indeed and should never be attempted, even while under parental supervision. %e *EOA* %t Telepath, Encountering A %n 6R105 %s What To Do When You Think Someone Is Reading Your Mind %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19981125 %i Encountering Someone Telepathic * %x Paranoia %k Telepathy %k Mind Reading %e Do you recognize this situation? You are somewhere where there are several people you don't know, and you have nothing special to do, e.g. on a bus trip. Your mind is unfocussed and generating thoughts about all kinds of things, including comments on the people around you. Suddenly one of them, who you were just thinking about, turns around with a discomforting, _knowing_ look on his or her face. "Oh my god," you think, "he/she has just read my mind!!! What to do now?!?" Well, as you don't know for sure that they have _really_ read your mind, and because the existence of telepathy has never been scientifically proven and can thus be considered remote, you don't really have to do anything. That is, unless of course your facial expression gave you away [1]. But just in case the scientific community has been wrong all along, which is a thought you tend to give more credibility when you find yourself in the situation sketched above, you had better apologize fast (mentally) [2]. You don't really have to do much else though, because if they _would_ react to your thoughts, their carefully kept secret would be revealed. They would most probably become laboratory rats, or the focus of the world's meanest intelligence agencies, or, in the most positive case, bait for the popular press from here to Timbuktu. So don't worry too much about telepaths in your everyday life. [1] You pervert! (WACK!) [2] Although these random thoughts are not _always_ a reason for a slap in the face. %e *EOA* * * End of file: REAL20.NEW * Share and Enjoy! *