* * Archive: SREAL04.NEW * * Created on: Tue Mar 28 15:30:11 2000 * * Number of articles: 25 * * Welcome! This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of * Project Galactic Guide. To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its * main Web site at , where you'll be able to * find an FAQ. * * * The articles in this file are: * * 6S3-1 Qwerty * 6S4-1 Naps, The Most Convenient Time To Take * 2S69-1 Toilet Paper, Replacing * 6S5-1 Psychic Gravity * 2S70-1 Personal Stereos * 2S71-1 Ozone * 6S6-1 Marriage, How To Ruin A * 2S72-1 May The Forces Be With You * 6S7-1 Wrong Telephone Numbers * 8S1-1 Challenge * 8S2-1 Leif, Miss Universe, And Everything * 8S3-1 Curry And The Ozone Layer * 8S4-1 Throwing Book * 8S5-1 Martial Animals * 8S6-1 Tounge Of Frog * 6S8-1 Mornington Crescent * 6S9-1 Earth Defence Shield * 8S7-1 Holes * 8S8-1 Imperial College Science Fiction Society * 8S9-1 Telecommunications, Article II * 6S10-1 Luck * 6S11-1 Matches, Multiple Uses For * 8S10-1 Drawing Conclusions * 8S11-1 Bubble Wrap Game, The * 8S12-1 Moon Hoax, The * %t Qwerty %n 6S3 %s Qwerty Made A Grammatical Correct Keyboard Into... %a Rickard Andersson (rickard@softlab.se) %d 19950223 * This is a GAG product (my fourth) %i Keyboards %e One day a very little known human being who we will call Qwerty, mainly because that was his name, made an unfortunate mistake. Mr Qwerty worked at the big, indeed very big, well to be frank quite huge and voluminous, company that designed and manufactured keyboards. The company, of course, did many other things than design and manufacture keyboards. They had lots of people doing research, marketing, lobbying, accounting, lunches, sales, programming and many more of these not so glamourous side-line occupations. Mr Qwerty however was working with the company's main product, keyboards. So, one day when he was designing the new and ultra modern keyboard of the future, something happened. You have to remember that this was happened a long time ago when the future was bright and hadn't happened yet. Back then the keyboards were more logically designed thereby making them more dull and easy to use. Well, to bring this subject one step forward, we now return to the day when Mr Qwerty made his mistake. He was, which has been mentioned before, working on a design for a new keyboard. Because of a terrible hangover Qwerty wasn't paying to close attention to his work. So when he was supposed to deliver his newly made keyboard design to his boss, he sadly fell down the stairs and crashed it on the floor. All the keys jumped out and he had to put them into his pocket. When Qwerty arrived at his boss's office, he just put the keys onto the keyboard and for fun started to arrange the keys so that they would form his name. He thought he should be recognised for his design and to see his own name on the keyboard felt rather good. After all he figured that his new design wouldn't last more than one year. The big, indeed very big, well much too oversized and multigalactic, company started to produce the new Qwerty keyboard. They used all the expertise in their side-line occupations to sell the new design to the galactic market. When this new and hip keyboard was introduced, all the smaller and not quite so successful companies thought they would follow the trend. Everyone started to use Qwerty's design on their own keyboards. After all, the big, indeed very big, well I think you know how big I mean, company couldn't be wrong in marketing this new keyboard, could they? So, now we all how to use Mr Qwerty's design whether we like it or not. %e *EOA* %t Naps, The Most Convenient Time To Take %n 6S4 %s The Best Time To Take A Break %a Jeff Kramer (lthumper@bga.com) %d 19950316 %e Naps are one of the few pleasures that cannot be synthesized in this world. There is synthetic food, synthetic beer, and even synthetic companionship, which has become the predominant industry on some of our rim planets. But, a highly dedicated team of scientists, after thirteen years of work, was unable to synthesize a good nap. Upon failure, the entire team was sent to their rooms and haven't been let out since. Therefor, we are still able to take in the wonder of a good nap, but for an hitchhiker, it is often difficult to find time for a nice snooze. Some of the best times for a nap are: 1) On a bus. The gentle hum of the engine. The guy with 15 colors of hair sitting across from you, and his stereo, which is blasting out Disaster Area's newest mega-hit. 2) On the subway. See #1. 3) During heavy traffic on the freeway. See #1. 4) In class. These can be some of the most restful and wonderful naps, since there is the danger is always in the air. 5) Summer's day, on the coast, use your big towel as a hammock, swing lazily in the sun. Drink a pan-galactic gargle blasters or three. Soak in the harmful UV rays. 6) At the computer. Soak in those harmful cosmic rays from your monitor as you drool on the keyboard. 7) And of course, the most popular, while you're supposed to be doing something else. If you take advantage of these times, you will have much less stress in your life, and increase the time you can spend hitchhiking quite a bit. %e *EOA* %t Toilet Paper, Replacing %n 2S69 %s Not Replacing Toilet Paper Is Genetic %a Lisa Stalnaker Hellwig (lhellwi@delphi.com) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet (originally alt.flame.roommate) * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19941114 %x Defecation %e Malinda McCall (mmccall@unix.cc.emory.edu) writes: >My loving and wonderful boyfriend is congenitally unable to discern when >there is only one square left on a roll. I buy 24-pack TP and stick them >under the sink and we have three displayed rolls. I'd be happy if he >grunted to me when the TP under the sink was low and I'd go buy more and >hang it all my damn self. :) I used to think this was a guy-thing (husband, brother, father, grandfather all suffered from same deficiency) until we got custody of my hubby's daughter. I've since learned that the trait is not sex linked, but it is genetic. I've started doing polls at family reunions, and I'm finding out that the ability to replace toilet paper (and to let the toilet paper buyer know when supplies are low) are recessive; therefore the trait only shows up when both parents carry a toilet-paper replacement gene, and then not in all their children. (I was the lucky one in my family.) The sad thing is that if both parents are TP replacers (meaning they each have two TPR genes), then they and all their children are anal-retentive, and the bathroom is usually so full of extra toilet paper rolls that one can't use the bathtub or shower stall because of the extra supplies. (These are the people you see in Sam's buying four or five of the 24-roll packs. They are also the ones who carry their own toilet paper with them every time they go out, since they fear having to use a public restroom where there may not be enough or any toilet paper.) There is also a correlation between the TPR gene and the KR (Kleenex Replacement Gene), PTR (Paper Towel Replacement Gene) and NR (Napkin Replacement Gene). People who are deficient in these genes are easily recognizable by: Yucky mucus stains on shirt sleeves (KR deficient); Wet, hand-shaped marks on their pants (PTR deficient) and details of their most recent meal anywhere on their clothing (NR deficient). So the next time you have to replace the toilet paper, just remember, they can't help it. %e *EOA* %t Psychic Gravity %n 6S5 %s Human Bodies Attracted By Empty Spaces, Lamp Posts, And Other Humans %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) * Genuinly A Guaranteed Articles Group Article (GAGAGA) %d 19950213 %i Gravity, Psychic %x Gravity %x Jumping Off Cliffs And Other High Places %e Psychic Gravity is a phenomenon that most people aren't aware of yet. It explains a lot of other phenomena for which people have given different explanations, but quite wrongly so, as you will soon understand. One of these phenomena is the situation where you are trying to pass through a relatively narrow gap and you feel the sides of it tugging at you. Consider for instance the situation where you're riding on your little bike and you have to manouvre between two cars which are standing close together, waiting for the traffic lights to turn green. Feel them tugging! Also remember the situation where you're walking on a crowded pavement and where you want to 1) avoid someone coming straight at you (only solved after more than three attempts) or 2) want to slide through that little gap between a lamp post and an oncoming pedestrian; you always bump into one of either. When you're drunk the force is stronger; then you're absolutely sure to crash against the lamp post or wind up in the arms of a disgusted and sober pedestrian. Psychic Gravity also explains the phenomenon of vertigo. Vertigo isn't so much being afraid of heights as it is the realistic awareness that a force exists that, on the roofs of large buildings, on steep mountain paths and at the edges of abysses, pulls you to the edge and beyond. Here Psychic Gravity is the attractive force between a human body, or a brain, if you like to see it that way, and huge open spaces. The force also appears when you try to walk or cycle on the lining on the road or on a curb. Psychic Gravity is also seen in the phenomenon of two human bodies, or their brains if you like, which are attracted to each other. This is often mistakingly called "love", but that is just a side effect. Physical Attraction is a far better term. Now what to do about Psychic Gravity? The key to the solution is to know in Which case to do What. Disaster can occur when you apply the wrong solution. The two solutions are 1) Giving In and 2) Ignoring it. In the first two cases above, it is best to ignore everything that causes the force, like the wide open spaces you can fall into and the very solid objects you can smash your face into. As the force is mental, it disappears when the focus is gone. Of course in the second case you can also give in and jump off the edge, but then you hardly ever live to tell the tale. This 'giving in' is better used in the third case, the so called 'physical attraction'. It can tremendously improve your love life, whereas using the 'ignoring' solution may well damage it beyond repair, and mess up your social life a bit as well. To summarize it: the important thing with Psychic Gravity is to know when to give in and when not to. I hope you have learned a great deal from this. May the force be with and without you. %e *EOA* %t Personal Stereos %n 2S70 %s Musical Equipment For Fun And Fornication %a Alex McLintock (alex@arcfan.demon.co.uk) %d 19950521 * Originally written for Dave Hodges' Guide in 1990 %e Personal Stereos are used as sex aids on some worlds [1], but banned on others as socially unacceptable, because they damage hearing, conversational skills and look silly. Major features of Personal Stereos include a shiny black metal finish for technofetishists, rubber and metal cable for bondage freaks, and for body piercing fans earphones which are held in place by earrings - or alternatively earphones which are actually embedded in the earlobe. It is unadvisable to lubricate your personal stereo with anything other than isotonic alcohol (the rubber parts only) or "Three-In-One Handy Oil" (the metal parts only). Vaseline is prohibited. [1] Their key sexual characteristics include: 1. A small motor which vibrates the bodywork, 2. Two earphones - one for each partner, 3. Music containing sexually explicit lyrics in order to help young people learn what to do. %e *EOA* %t Ozone %n 2S71 %s Radical Elements In The Air %a Alex McLintock (alex@arcfan.demon.co.uk) %d 19950521 * Original version written for Dave Hodges' Guide in 1990 %e Ozone is the substance in the atmosphere which stops you from getting suntans, and skin cancer. If you are in danger from getting too tanned then a towel is recommended as a sunshield. In certain parts of the Earth the ozone layer is extremely thin and in others (eg Los Angeles and London) there is a surplus of ozone. On several planets the ozone layer has been intentionally punctured by towel manufacturing conglomerates in league with the United Aerosol Corporation. All Homo Sapiens should think twice about getting sun tans even when obtained through a uv electric lamp. "O-Zone" is also a science fiction novel by travel writer Paul Theroux. Theroux is a well respected novelist in his own genre, however, this researcher seems to be the only human in Britain who actually enjoyed reading this book. %e *EOA* %t Marriage, How To Ruin A %n 6S6 %s By Xang Woopy 101010 %a Gregory C. Wait (zooey@ipass.net) %d 19950620 %e Marriage is an institution common to many of the multisex species of the Galaxy. While theories as to the purpose of marriage are plentiful, the most popular to date is attributed to Dar Beton, of Oonoogle III, and goes something like this: Wealth is finite. Anything quantifiable must by definition be finite, and if wealth isn't quantifiable why does everyone want so much of it? Since wealth is finite, it eventually ends up laying about in the pockets of those individuals who prove the best at acquiring it (usually politicians, or "thieves" as they are sometimes called.) A finite amount of wealth sitting around doing nothing does no one good, and logically must be redistributed to those most likely to get it out into the Galactic Market where it can at least get some fresh air. "What's all this got to do with marriage?" you say. Well, marriage is the input cycle of the most efficient wealth redistribution system since Social Security (see Earth History, Mistakes of) having the effect of splitting any accumulated wealth into roughly equal halves (or thirds, sevenths, or harmonic ninths, depending on the planet) every few years or so. The redistribution, or output cycle of the system is called divorce, and has the one, unfortunate side effect of increasing the number of lawyers within a given culture. On Earth, various attempts at lawyer redistribution always have the effect of relocating half the lawyers in a given region to Los Angeles. This effect is not understood, and deserves further study. It is also important to note that while the Earth itself is "Mostly Harmless," Earth lawyers are not, and should be avoided. So, if Dar Beton's theory is in fact true, divorce is not the end result of a marriage that "didn't work out," but is in fact the ultimately desired result of a completely successful marriage. Rare cases of lasting, happy marriages have been documented, but these are generally attributed to folks who either just aren't trying, or just don't know how to ruin a marriage. Not knowing how to ruin a marriage is something akin to not knowing how to knock over a house of cards. All the elements are there, the laws of physics are steadfastly on your side, but somehow the damn thing stays together. It is for this reason that the following instructions may seem painfully obvious to those of you who are `with the program.' If you already know how to ruin a marriage, go look up something else. How to ruin your marriage: 1) Fall madly in love with the wrong sort of person. This includes but is not limited to: someone just like yourself, someone totally different from you, someone who reminds you of your mother/father/gene-donor, a congressman, Elizabeth Taylor, or any lawyer. 2) Spend lots of time together. 3) Tell everyone you know (and anyone else who will listen) how `perfect' and `wonderful' your relationship is. Be sure to include the words, "We never fight." 4) Fight, a lot. While this step seems rather obvious, you wouldn't be reading this if you could figure this stuff out for yourself. 5) Have an affair. This step is not completely necessary to ruin your marriage, but it can be helpful, and can also have the added benefit of leading to another, more successfully unhappy marriage for the unfaithful party. 6) Blame. It is important to blame someone, anyone, and/or everyone once it has become apparent that your efforts are beginning to bear fruit. Blaming yourself is acceptable, so long as you are not attempting to take CREDIT for the terrible mess your marriage has become. Blame has nothing to do with the actual credit for the relationship's demise, because while you may be thinking you've thus far done a real hoopy job of it, it is important to remember that the other party (or parties) may have been working equally hard toward making your marriage a divorce to be proud of. These steps are suggested as a rough framework. Feel free to experiment and find your own, unique style. Remember - there may be only one way to skin a cat, but the ways to ruin a marriage are as infinite as the Galaxy itself. So, get out there and make each other miserable, and the Universe will reap the rewards of your unions again and again. %e *EOA* %t May The Forces Be With You %n 2S72 %s The Four Forces Of The Universe %a Joseph Johaneman (joseph.johaneman@leading.org) %d 19950306 %x Gravity %i Forces: Strong, Weak, Electromagnetic, Gravity %i Gluons %i Unified Field Theory %e Though you may not know it, there are four forces in the Universe governing all interactions. They are the Strong Force, the Weak Force, the Electromagnetic Force, and Gravity. Each of these forces is governed by a particle (or sometimes particles) called a Gluon. No, it is not made of glue. Gravity is an attracting force between two bodies that have mass: M * G = W where M is the Mass, G is the Gravitational constant of whatever world you're on, and W is the Weight. So, the best weight loss plan is to go to a planet where G is smaller than 1. Gravity is governed by a gluon called the graviton. This particle has never been discovered, but it must exist because I said so. The Electromagnetic force is the force that creates light, magnetism, and electricity. The gluon for the Electromagnetic force is the photon. The electromagnetic force can self-propagate through a vacuum. This is because a magnetic field generates an electric field, and an electric field generates a magnetic field, so the fields fluctuate through the vacuum. Photons move at c, the speed of light, which is 180,000 miles/second, or 300,000 KM/s, or 1.8 tera furlongs/fortnight, or 138.31 peta Roel/Roel, or... well, I think you get the idea. The Strong Force is what holds the nucleus of an atom together. The strong force is the energy released in a nuclear explosion. It is governed by several gluons, most notably the Z Boson. The Weak Force is what causes nuclear decay. It is governed by the W particle. (W standing for Weak. What'd you think it stood for... Wieners?) Some scientists on Earth speculate there is a fifth force that counteracts gravity. They call it antigravity. It is interesting to note that scientists on Quelas III also believe in the existence of fifth force. It is called the U-Force, or unhealthy force. It is the force that drives sentient species to eat white bread even though Wheat and Rye taste better and have nutritional value. It is governed by the Grain gluon. Earth scientists also speculate that all the forces of the universe are manifestations of a single force that split up during the big bang. Those scientists claim that a grand equation called a unified field theory, will allow them to calculate the results of interactions with any force. They have succeeded in part, though gravity still refuses to join at this time. He refers all questions to his agent. %e *EOA* %t Wrong Telephone Numbers %n 6S7 %s Difficulties In Communication Technology %a David Heffron (heffrodj@dcs.gla.ac.uk) %d 19951020 %x Telephones %x Telephone Bills * %k Telephone * %k Bell * %k British Telecom * %k Number Of The Beast %e The telephone was invented by Sir Alexander Bell. In his first experiment he contacted his assistant in the other room. What history does not recall is that the first telephone call was infact a wrong number to an old lady of sixty-five, living in Wolverhampton. Things have gone down hill rapidly since then. Recently the evil megacorporation that is British Telecom changed the majority of telephone codes by one single number. The side effect of this simple exercise was to increase the chances of dialing a wrong number by a factor of three hundred and seventy two thousand, six hundred and fifty nine. The simple problem of this is that most people believe the number of the beast to be 666. It is not. The real number of the beast is 5435356584645. Ask for Clive after six o'clock. The only possible result is world wide ragnarok!! [editor's note: the description of British Telecom as the "Evil Megacorporation" is purely the opinion of this field researcher and not of the Project Galactic Guide Editors. Besides, everyone knows that the "Evil Megacorporation" is Microsoft and not BT.] [editor's second note: That was a joke. Please don't sue us.] %e *EOA* %t Challenge %n 8S1 %s Gambling Game You Don't Want To Play, A %a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (alexmc@biccdc.co.uk) %d 19940902 %i Dare * %k Gambling * %k PGG %e Desmond Morrison's "The Ape with the Receding Hairline" has the following to say on the subject of primitive gambling: There are many games played by the gambling species of the galaxy which do not involve the transfer of money. The simplest of this is "Dare" or "Challenge". The rules are simple: one person asks another to do something dangerous, embarrassing, or simply hard. The payoff is that if the person asked fails to rise to the challenge then he loses prestige amongst his (or her) peers. If the challenged person succeeds in completing the challenge his importance in his social group is raised and the challenger's lowered. Of course if the challenged person fails in his task then the punishment may be minor, such as a bit of apologetic grovelling, or a service such as fetching the next round of drinks. More painful conclusions of dares may involve a night in jail or a week in hospital. The gooli tribesmen of the qualgmyr continent dare each other in disputes over adulterous wives. If the challenged adulterous tribesman succeeds in completing the challenge he gets to keep the mate for himself, but the forfeit for loosing involves loosing bodily parts which I am sure you don't want me to detail. The correct response to most challenges is to run away. Less dangerous dares include one by Jeff Kramer (lthumper@bga.com) on the usenet newsgroup alt.galactic-guide in September of 1994. He challenged everyone on the group to write a Project Galactic Guide article each and every day of September. The correct response to this is to lurk - a word which means to read usenet without posting to it - but this foolish Field Researcher decided to take up the challenge. Today is Day Two. %e *EOA* %t Leif, Miss Universe, And Everything %n 8S2 %s United States Of America, Earth - A Few Things You Should Know %a Gregory C. Wait, aka Xang Woopy 101010 (zooey@ipass.net) %d 19951010 %i USA, Earth %i America, The United States Of %k USA %k Viking %k Football %k Miss Universe %k Indians %x Earth %x Football, Association * %x Football %e The United States of America is (or was, depending upon when you are reading this) a loose confederation of geographical regions under a large, unwieldy, and unpopular federal government. History is a bit hazy as to why everyone wanted to hitch their wagon to everyone elses, but they don't really like you to ask questions like that nowadays. The "Yoo-Ess" as it is called, the "Land of milk and honey," (see "Bovine torture" and "Bee larceny" respectively) is (or was) a strange land of contradictions and out and out fallacies. Take the Vikings, for instance. Yoo-Ess history teaches that the Vikings discovered America. History books tell of the adventures of an early Earth hitchhiker named Leif Erickson. Leif was, if not the first to sail to the "new world," the first with a reasonably pronounceable name. Although Leif was given credit for the discovery, the Global Naming Council [1] chose to name the new continent "America" after a map-maker named Amerigo Vespucci. They did this despite the fact that it was a tremendous slight to Leif, risking the wrath of a Viking who definitely knew where his towel was, because they couldn't stand the thought of a continent named "Ericka." For a long time modern history books had credited a Christopher Columbus with the discovery of America, but he was stripped of the honor when he failed to pay back the money he borrowed to make the trip. As a consolation to his descendants, he is now credited with the discovery of a medium-sized town in Ohio. While all of this may seem confusing to you, imagine the confusion of the people who were there all along when they found out that although they and their ancestors had been born, lived, and died on that very continent, they hadn't actually "discovered" it in a legal sense, and had no legitimate claim to their land, homes, or property. They even had to call themselves "Indians," just because Columbus wasn't so good with maps, and so were forced to give up their ancestral name, "Occupants." Humans are (or were) a very competitive race, but find themselves largely removed from the natural competition of "eat or be eaten" by the fact that the only species of equal intellect on Earth are all herbivorous, and are therefor too busy standing in line at the salad-bar to do anyone an injury. For a while man was able to fill this void by engaging in the dangerous sport of discovery, as did Messrs. Erickson, Columbus, and Vespucci, but after a while everything worth discovering had been discovered. The continents were mapped, the oceans named, and most of the really fun animals to hunt and kill had all been hunted and killed. To compensate for the lack of true competition in their lives humans created artificial competitions or "contests," often combining the tactical strategy of warfare with the dangers of a really large crowd. In Europe the most popular and dangerous of these is the football match, the general idea behind which is to have a handful of men in colorful shorts chase a small ball around a field so as to distract some of the crowd long enough for the other spectators to attack them. In America, the most bizarre and dangerous of these contests is the Miss Universe Pageant, in which females are judged by a panel of judges on how well the judges like them. While this may seem totally different from the European football match, they are really only variations on a theme. In the Miss Universe Pageant, women in various stages of undress parade around on-stage, singing off-key and throwing batons into the overhead rigging so as to distract the judges long enough to keep the judges from attacking them. Only human females born on Earth are allowed to compete, which makes the name, the "Miss Universe Pageant," at least a little inappropriate [2], and (some say) making any victory a shallow one, at best. While many purists are insistent upon keeping the entry rules as they are, some people have called for a liberalization of the rules, allowing for entries from elsewhere in the universe. The proponents of change argue that it would make for a more interesting competition, increase revenues from entry fees, and are quick to point out that the human contestants would still retain the home-world advantage. [1] The Global Naming Council (see also: Global Council of Names, Council for the Naming of Things, and Names 'R Us) was set up in 1334 AD to ensure appropriate, concise naming of new discoveries and avoid duplication of names (such as Paris, France and Paris, Texas). Abolished in 1643 AD after anarchists took over the offices and named a small, peanut-shaped country in Europe Belgium. [2] The Miss Universe Pageant might have been more appropriately named if the Global Naming Council had not been abolished in 1634 AD (see above). %e *EOA* %t Curry And The Ozone Layer %n 8S3 * %n 2-498 %s Be An Environmentalist And Abolish Vegetables %a Chris Grace (chris@transdata.co.nz) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet (originally in alt.folklore.urban) * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19950217 %x Ozone * %k Vegetarians * %k Ozone Layer * %k Environment * %k Curry * %k Greenhouse Effect %e I believe that as environmentally conscious citizens of the world (TM) we should be campaigning to have curry abolished. As we all know, cow and sheep farts are some of the major contaminants of the Ozone Layer and contributors to the greenhouse effect. I respectfully submit that four pints of lager and a chicken biryani have the cumulative effect of at least six sheep or one cow. If you substitute Draught Guinness for Lager things get even worse. Bearing in mind that Curry dishes are widespread throughout Great Britain, the Indian Subcontinent, and much of South East Asia, the overall damage caused by these dishes is quite staggering (as is the damage to certain mucous membranes the next morning). We should also consider the impact of Haricot Beans in Tomato Sauce, Tacos, Doner Kebab, and those little round lentil cake thingies they sell in Middle Eastern Restaurants. In fact, it is my considered opinion that Health Food Fanatics and Vegetarians, by their selfish failure to adhere to a sensible diet of Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding, are contributing to the eventual ecological disaster when the air temperature in Siberia will reach 60 degrees Celcius and you will be able to eat Prawns straight out of the Sea without boiling them first. Let's get environmentally sensitive, and STAMP OUT VEGETABLES. %e *EOA* %t Throwing Book %n 8S4 * %n 2-497 %s Overcoming Writer's Block %x Writers' Block %a Brian Pickrell (pmaker@eskimo.com) and Russ Miller (rmiller@pic.net) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet (originally in rec.arts.sf.written) * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19950725 %i Piers Anthony * %k Books * %k Writing %e A 'throwing book' is a horrendously bad novel which one can use to overcome writer's block. When you start fearing that your stuff is no good, you just read a page or two from the throwing book, shout "My *dog* could write better &%$@ than this!" and fling it and go back to work. This technique can backfire. I did it, and now my dog has a successful career writing under the pseudonym "Piers Anthony." He has a six-bedroom doghouse that he paid for himself and he doesn't come when I call. %e *EOA* %t Martial Animals %n 8S5 * %n 2-507 %s Most Effective Martial Arts Style Against Animals %a George Patrick Weekes (paladin@leland.Stanford.EDU) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet (originally in rec.martial-arts) * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19950613 * %k Kenpo * %k Martial Arts * %k Animals * %k Sheep * %k Cows %x Martial Arts And Farts %e Travelling around the world, the average hitchhiker can sometimes find himself in the situation where the following question arizes: can normal martial-art techniques be used against other species? Well, I find that Kenpo is versatile enough to be used against many species. For instance, the variety of defenses against bear hugs would come in handy against Grizzlies, Polar, or whatever you run into. And at the upper levels we are specifically trained to deal with attacks by common barn animals. For instance: Sheep Defense #1: Against a charging sheep attack. Sidestepping by placing the right food behind the left, you dodge the sheep's charging attack, swinging your right arm up and around to bring a hammer-fist to the back of the sheep's head. Follow with a left front kick to the jaw, and then a right reverse leg sweep to both of the left legs, if possible. Cover out, grab scissors, and shear. Plunging Cow: Against whatever sort of horn attack a cow can mount. Step forward at a 45 degree angle, stepping left and parrying the cow's right horn with a right chop block. Do NOT strike the head. Cow skulls are hard. Follow with a lunging front kick to the udder (also known as the "milking strike"), and then vault onto the cow's back. Use the cowbell-strap as a sleeper hold. When the cow loses consciousness, roll off the cow to one side, then tip. Multiple Barnyard Defense: Against a surrounding attack by a horse, two chickens, and a pig. Horse Chicken You Chicken Pig You are, of course, facing the horse. As the pig makes its move (it always will), flow towards the chicken on the right, doing a left-handed finger- rake to the horse's nostrils and a simultaneous spinning right hook kick to the pig. With your free right hand scoop up the chicken, keeping your spinning momentum to throw it at the other chicken as a distraction. Rolling across the pig's back, use your free legs and perform a double crescent kick to whatever part of the horse you can reach. Upon landing, bonk the chickens' heads together, grab them, and drive the two beaks into the base of the pig's skull. Throwing both chickens at the horse, do a somersault between the horse's legs, roll out on one side, and leap over the horse, grabbing the mane as you fly across and using it as a takedown. Well, honestly, that's about all I can think of. If I'm ever assaulted by my cat, I'll let you know how things go. %e *EOA* %t Tounge Of Frog %n 8S6 * %n 2-502 %s Bad Product Name Translations %a Carlos May (froggy@new-orleans.NeoSoft.com) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19950122 %i Janglish %e [Encycopedia Galactica] Janglish: horribly poor product literature translations from Japanese to English, though sometimes the term is used for such translations from any of the Earth Far East countries. Indeed, the Japanese are not our only Asian friends to make English, uh, much more interesting. IT'S THAT TIME, BAD TRANSLATION FANS!! ...It's time to disclose the legendary Taiwanese English text of... TOUNGE OF FROG. Below you'll find the actual text on the package of the novelty toy TOUNGE OF FROG, purchaced near the Florida Turnpike in 1984 for $1.69 each, American. Reading the text of TOUNGE OF FROG aloud is one of the sacred rituals of the True Chuch of the Great Green Frog. All typos verbatim. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Frog. If it is thrown with full of your strenght, it will spit out the tounge, which is like the genuine one from the frog. INSTRUCTIONS FOR TOUNGE OF FROG o A product has the stickness and is just like a soft rubber band with high contractility. It can be played to stick the remote objects. o Inspite of it is sticky, it is never like the chewing guns which is glued tightly and cannot be separated. o If the stickness is not good enough, it can be washed by soap. After it is dried, it cab be used continously many times. o The packing paper has printed the bug picture, which can be cut as per the black frame and placed on the table; then you can stick the picture with your tounge of frog. The key point for throwing far away is the same as the throwing of fish rod, i.e. to throw out slowly with full of your strength. Separate it with two hands, then release one hand, throw it with full of your strength. No matter what you make a round ball, it will recover the original shape. CAUTIONS: o Never throw out the other person's head. o Keep away from fire. o Inspite of it is non-toxic, it cannot be eaten. o Never pull out tounge of frog hard, as it might be separated. o Its content has the oil, so if it touches on cloth, precious object or wall, the stains will remain if you don't care about it. o Never put on surface of any object, shall keep in polybag. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here enduth the reading of the word of the TOUNGE OF FROG. %e *EOA* %t Mornington Crescent %n 6S8 %s The Last Of The Truly Great Games %a Paul Presley (prezzer@cix.compulink.co.uk) %d 19951220 %i Games: Mornington Crescent * %k Willie Rushton * %k Peter Cook * %k I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue %e Throughout history few games have caused such furore as Mornington Crescent. Not because it is in any way controversial. Not because its rules are fiendishly complex. Not even because it is run by leagues or organisations awarding trophies to the best players of each year. None of these traits are the cause of such classic disputes as the Kerishni-Immanolo debate of 1923 or the strange, but thoroughly true account of Jean-Jacques Mariata's near fatal brush with Sir Arthur Kingstone-Blakely after the young but promising Frenchman accused the English grandmaster of cheating by playing his Tewkesbury Avenue out of turn, causing the aristocratic nobleman to set loose his hounds on Mariata's prize Juniper collection. No, it is perhaps the cunning simplicity of Mornington Crescent's rules that have led to such confrontation, merely because as simple as they are they leave much open to interpretation. Mornington Crescent is perhaps the game that best fits the well-used advertising phrase `A game that is simple to learn but takes years to master'. A better phrase might be `Simple to learn but years to fully comprehend' as more games result in arguments over interpretation than anything else. The main problem behind this is because of Mornington Crescent's many variations. Some people play with Street Rules, some with Mainline Stations only, others with the notorious Bank Holiday and Early Closing variants. It is a rare and brave man indeed who will attempt a game without the use of an impartial arbiter armed with a rule book. The rules are passed down from generation to generation, usually by elderly professors at Oxbridge to an ever-welcoming student populace, although it is not unheard of for academics of common or garden colleges and comprehensives to partake of a quick round of `MC' during their dinner break. The most popular use by far of the game is as a regular round in BBC Radio's highly entertaining panel game I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, wherein such Mornington Crescent aficionados as Willie Rushton and Tim Brooke-Taylor squabble over rules, introduce ever new openings and endgame manoeuvres, all under the watchful eye of the `Old Man Of Mornington Crescent' (as he is known in certain circles), Humphrey Lyttelton. So, to the rules. When explaining the game to outsiders it is not uncommon for the newcomer to think you are merely jesting or `having them on'. What is most important to stress is that it's not so much the substance of the rules that count, more the elegance of the player, the flair of play. A game of Mornington Crescent is all about style, first and foremost, not technicalities. The Basic Rules: 1. Each player takes it in turn to name a street in London. 2. The winner is the first person to say Mornington Crescent. There are others but they are mainly composed of amendments and clarifications. Two popular variations include Mainline Stations (in which street names are replaced with British Rail - or for modern players Network Southeast - locales) and Underground Rules (stations of your local Metro service are used instead). Whatever the variation, Mornington Crescent is always a winning move. So now. Armed with this knowledge may you sally forth (or fifth or sixth) into a world where a Queens Passage is almost always followed by a Kings Entry and an Amersham Reversal into the Old Kent Road is so often worth more than just 2 in rent (10 with a house). Salut. %e *EOA* %t Earth Defence Shield %n 6S9 %s One Already Exists %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19951104 %i Earth Defense Shield %i Universe Defense Shield %i Universe Defence Shield %i Bad News For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker %i Why Sticking Your Thumb Up For An UFO Is Useless %x Earth %x Economic Benefits Of Pollution, The * %x Roswell, The Incident At %x Means Of Transportation For The Earth-Confined Hitchhiker * %k Conspiracy * %k UFO * %k Melt Down * %k Alien * %k Space * %k Star Wars %e Hitchhikers, if you want to get off this planet (Earth), don't bother sticking up your thumb towards the sky in the hope to hitch a hike from an extra-terrestrial spacecraft. "Why is that?", the more adventurous and optimistic hitchhikers might ask. Well, it's simply because, contrary to what many people have been led to believe, Earth is already equipped with a functioning (albeit weak) defensive shield against extra-terrestrial visitors. We all remember the billion dollar project by the United States government to put a grid of potent lasers around the Earth to defend the country against nuclear missiles. This "Star Wars" project never came to full realization, but it wasn't because they failed their mission. Their goal, namely, wasn't to put a functioning laser grid in space, but to divert attention from the grid that is already there (which was upgraded in the process). For centuries, the governments of a variety of nations have known that the Earth is being visited by aliens. The people in power have always found the superior extra-terrestrial technology terrifying, especially because they can't get their hands on it. So they sought for a way within the grasp of us simple earthlings to put a "No Parking" sign for aliens outside the atmosphere. And they found one, using the activity at which the human race is superior: MAKING RUBBISH. So a program was openly executed to find ways of reaching the upper atmosphere. Once this program was successful, all kinds of junk were put into space to form a grid where no spaceship could pass through without being damaged. The real goal of putting up an Earth Defence Shield was covered up by pretending that it was for scientific and communicative purposes. In that respect the project has had some wonderful side effects, advanced astronomical research, satellite television (although it is questioned if this side effect was a positive one), elaborate weather forecasts, burn resistant pans, matchbox toys, global positioning, etc. However, we mustn't forget what the effort was originally for! The inner circle of the conspiracy boasts that they've had a definite first success of the shield already: the damaged UFO that crashed in Roswell, USA, in the summer of 1947. Critics subtly point out that that is a bit unlikely, because the date of the crash is just a little bit earlier than the launch of sputnik, the first satellite. A definitive positive side effect of the Earth Defence Shield is that it is at the same time a Universe Defence Shield, a shield to protect the citizens of the Universe against human stupidity. Humans, after all, are the species who nearly destroyed the Earth because they forgot to pay the electricity bill [1]. So now there are millions of pieces of debris in orbit around the Earth, ranging from splinters of paint hurling along with magnificent speeds, to whole rocket stages. So you can just forget about being picked up by an UFO, comprende? [1] True! Recently the cooling systems of nuclear installations on board of Russian submarines suddenly stopped because there was no electricity; the navy had forgotten to pay the electricity bill. A nuclear meltdown, and a consequent destruction of most life on Earth, was narrowly avoided by forcing the electricity company *at gunpoint* to put the power on again [2]. [2] Source: "De Volkskrant", a big Dutch newspaper. %e *EOA* %t Holes %n 8S7 %s Excellent Storage Area, Or A Waste Of Space? %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960225 %x Black Holes %e Holes come in many different shapes, sizes, and forms and they have been observed by many people as the most astoundingly useful items in the whole universe, allowing, as they do, anybody or anything to store away items in safety or secrecy, or frequently, both. Many holes, however, fall into another category: hostile holes. Hostile holes are holes which, when formed, do not aid anybody in any way, but in fact cause a lot more trouble themselves. Examples of these are pot holes and black holes. It has been speculated by some that any form of hole whatsoever is in fact a complete waste of space, and a fundamental design flaw -- in whatever system they belong. This is proven in the fact that wherever there's a hole, there will also be items strewn all across adjacent open areas. It has also been speculated that, if you put together the entire area of wasted space from all empty holes in the universe, including every single doughnut hole, you will have enough room to place another entire civilisation, of a comparatively equal size to our own, which has led some to believe that this is where the ultimate destiny of the universe lies. Fascinatingly enough, it has been theorised that if you exclude the doughnut holes, the overall size is reduced by a factor of two, while the mysterious phenomena of black holes only make up a tiny proportion. With these ideas in hand, it has yet to be proved that it is easier to lose something in a doughnut than it is to lose it in a black hole. %e *EOA* %t Imperial College Science Fiction Society %n 8S8 %s ICSF %a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (Alex.McLintock@Chadwyck.co.uk) %d 19930120 %d 19960529 %i Science Fiction Society, Imperial College %i ICSF %x McLintock, Alexander Lachlan %e Imperial College Science Fiction Society is one of the largest social clubs at Imperial. Its main function is to store a library of more than 2500 books. These are kept at the "ICSF library" which can be found below Beit Quad, at basement level, behind a door with a sign saying "beware of the leopard." This fact is often lost on first year students who totally fail to find this room, thus failing the second intelligence test of starting college. The first is, of course: "How do I get my library text-books before everyone else?" The third intelligence test involves members of the opposite sex. Unfortunately, the ICSF library is particularly unsuitable for such enquiry as the male to female ratio usually ranges around the 7 to 1 mark. This is _slightly_ worse than that of Imperial as a whole. (Although I am speaking from the male standpoint I am told that it is just as bad for the female students. Their general solution is to get a steady boyfriend and make sure everyone knows about him.) There is some debate as to whether the third test involves finding the Union Bar and purchasing large quantities of alcohol. This argument is undecided. However, it is nearby and so rare members of the society can display prowess in both third tests simultaneously. Communication with the Committee of ICSF is through various primitive means such as face to face verbal communication. In recent years they have discovered email (try "icsf@imperial.ac.uk") and even the World Wide Web (try "http://www.su.ic.ac.uk/" or "http://www.ph.ic.ac.uk/moontg/"). Post to: ICSF c/o Imperial College Union, Beit Hall, Prince Consort Road, South Kensington, SW7 2BZ United Kingdom. Under _no_ circumstance should telepathy be tried -- especially transatlantic telepathy. The energy requirements for that fried the brain of the last guy to try it and all he does now is read Gor books [1]. (definition of a committee: A creature with more than six legs, and no brain -- Lazarus Long) The society aims at producing at least one one-day convention per year. It regularly fails to get much enthusiasm from the general bulk of the members who have never been to a science fiction convention. In case you were wondering, Imperial College is a large part of the University of London. Its E-mail domain is .ic.ac.uk. It's not so bad as long as you choose a course you enjoy. [1] These are sword and sorcery type stories written about an alternative planet Earth. Its main criticism is that all the women are subjucated to slaves, dancers, whores etc -- totally politically incorrect. They have become a byword for bad science fiction and fantasy. %e *EOA* %t Telecommunications, Article II %n 8S9 %s How To Talk Telecom Techie %a Evan "Paradox !-)" Macbeth (macbeth@dimension.net) %d 19960404 * %x Telecommunications, Article I %x Telephones %x Telephone Bills %x No Charge %x Telemarketers, How To Hassle And Deal With %x Wrong Telephone Numbers %x Acronyms %x Abbreviations %x US Naval Abbreviations %e This is a basic introduction to Telecomspeak. Telecom, in Telecomspeak, means telecommunications. Telecomspeak, for our purposes, is the highly technical language, full of acronyms, which is used in the telecom industry. WARNING: Telecomspeak is a controlled substance in some areas. Please consult your local legal authorities. Possible side effects include: utter unintelligibility, blank stares, being able to compete with the military in acronyms, loss of comprehension of reality, loss of mind. Before we even begin, you need to be able to know something about AT&T. AT&T: The Phone Company. If it has to do with sending data or information from one place to another, AT&T probably invented it at Bell Labs, their research arm. Although this is becoming less true with time since the breakup of AT&T's monopoly in 1984, they are still the largest telephone company ever. It is only recently that they were no longer larger than all the other telephone companies in the world combined. When in doubt about "who in the telecommunications business?", guess AT&T. Right off the bat, you need to know about _bandwidth_. BANDWIDTH: how much space in the wire, uplink, cable etc. a given amount of information/type of communication takes up. Usually, the more complex the service/communication, the greater the bandwidth. E-mail takes up relatively little bandwidth. Video conferencing takes up... _all_ of the bandwidth. This is a useful term to know, you can usually stop an onslaught of telecomspeak with the simple phrase, "do you have the bandwidth to do that?" _Everything_ hinges on bandwidth. It is all well and good to have a machine that can digitize the sensory and emotional experience of sex, or birth, if you don't have the bandwidth to send that experience to someone (and that would take more bandwidth than a few hundred full motion video Guides), it's useless in telecommunications. There have been many advances in increasing bandwidth capacity of networks. Perhaps the hoopiest of these, and one of the biggest buzzwords in the industry, is ATM. ATM: no, it is not an Automated Teller Machine, it is Asynchronous Transfer Mode. If you know that's what ATM stands for, you will be able to pass for Having A Clue in all but the most engineer-filled environments. Basically, it's a way of sending data from one place to another, not really a technology for it. ATM allows you to just blast a whole bunch of data somewhere. ATM is the current big thing. There are entire divisions in telecommunications companies dedicated to it. Bandwidth and ATM deal with telecommunications _networks_. NETWORKS: huge, interlinking bunches of wires, cables, uplinks, radio, etc. which transport data from point to point. The first network was the telegraph network which allowed people to send a message from one place to any number of other places without needing a dedicated line. Anything which deals with information can be networked: computers, phones, TVs. An experiment to network human brains has not been very successful; the engineers were unsure of where to plug in the serial cord and the attempts to link via microwave communications had the unfortunate side effect of death. Most networks, these days, transport _digital_ (as opposed to _analog_) information. DIGITAL/ANALOG: digital is 0-s and 1-s, zeroes and ones, on and off, the way computers deal with information. Analog is the way the brain and nature deals with information, sound/light waves and such. The digital information is sometimes sent in _packets_ and sent from point to point by _switches_. PACKET SWITCHING: the technology by which a whole bunch of information, (like an e-mail message) is broken up into little packages, given "to:" and "from:" addresses, then sent along its way. The packets travel through the network to a switch, which looks at the "to:" address, and gives the packet directions. From there the packets may "hit" other switches (to get their attention to get better directions.) Eventually the packets reach their end destination, where they are reassembled into the original message. A very cool sort of switch is a _router_. ROUTER: a highly advanced and specialized computer switch which has _huge_ databases of directions to destinations. Entire networks are based on these machines. The Internet is a router based network. If someone has been bothering you because you haven't sent them e-mail in a while, tell them "our gateway router went down." Another type of switch is the _PBX_. PBX: your basic phone switch. It's the computer which connects phone calls. PBXs are usually not used for the main routing of phone calls, but rather for the introduction of a call into the larger network and for the routing of a call from the larger network to its final phone. If you know what PBX stands for you _are_ a Telecomtechie. The Mack Daddy phone switch is the _5E_. 5E (5ESS): these are some of the largest concentrations of computing capacity ever assembled. They are switches which serve as the gateways to the phone networks of entire nations. AT&T came up with these switches to downsize all of their long-distance operators. Just to give you some idea of the capacity and importance (and reliability) of these machines, New York City has something like 3 5E's for its phone switching. If one of those went down, so would most of the communications along the northeast Atlantic coast of the United States. To make people think you are the head of a really big, important company, just say, "we're looking into purchasing a 5E." WARNING: if you actually say this where people can hear you, AT&T _will_ eventually find out, and bother you about buying one. Switches send information through the network, oftentimes through _trunk lines_. TRUNK LINE: a very high bandwidth cable which can handle a whole bunch of information. Formerly copper, most trunk lines are now fiberoptic cable. This should not be confused for a proposition from an elephant. Those are the basics; with that you can hold your own in a telecom conversation anywhere outside the industry itself. You ought to be able to disguise yourself in the industry pretty well too. %e *EOA* %t Luck %n 6S10 %s Luck Does Not Change %a Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) * Dedicated to Katyusha %d 19960523 %i Conservation Of Luck %i Fortune, Good %i Good Fortune %x Seize The Day %x Meulen, Roel Van Der %x How Can Beggars Afford To Keep Dogs? * %x Murphic Field, The %e "Luck" is a vague and hard to measure quantity [1]. While some (eg. scientists) might argue that there are no such things as non-random probability fluctuations linked to individuals, the majority of people have an intuitive understanding of the existence of luck. This understanding often includes the aspect that "luck can change". This aspect is often encountered when in unhappy circumstances people try to comfort you by saying that your luck is bound to change. Alas, that is not so. Luck is a conserved quantity. This should not cast you into desperation, because there is more. While it is true that not all have the same lifetime averaged amount of luck, everyone is sure to at least have some. The luck you have had up to now could have led you to consider yourself an unlucky person, but nothing has yet been said about the _spread_ of luck around the average. Some may have little portions of luck every day, for instance a larger than average count of green traffic lights. Some may grow old without encountering their portion of luck, and then suddenly they win the jackpot (and die of a heart attack). It is just not possible to predict. Sooner or later you _will_ encounter an event of luck... like I have recently. I was just minding my business when I received an e-mail: "Hi, I just read your amazingly witty articles, and I have decided to marry you." Now how about that! [2] So next time you see a poor beggar, wrapped in a large blanket against the cold, don't say "now that's an unlucky bloke" but think again and say instead "now there's a guy with a wide spread!" [3] [1] A way to quantify luck is to count how many times major nice things have happened to you out of the blue. As an example I will mention some of those occasions I experienced myself: 1) When I was a wee lad I was walking down the street with a friend, when somebody suddenly came up to us and offered us a holiday job. 2) Being a healthy young boy, the medical test revealed no shortcomings that would have made me unfit for military service. After that I sat back (basically) and lo and behold, after seven years of waiting I suddenly had a minor sports injury, sufficient to put me off the hook, but not enough to cause me any discomfort. 3) The only subject for my student research I could effectively choose was in a field of research that suddenly knew a tremendous breakthrough, which created a tailor made research program for me after graduation. 4) I think this is about enough, I don't want to cause any envy! [2] Some would reply here: "you are a sucker for punishment!" [3] Did you notice this article said nothing about nothing? %e *EOA* %t Matches, Multiple Uses For %n 6S11 %s There Actually Is More Than One Way To Use Them %a Niklas Vainio (nikke@sci.fi) %d 19960426 %x Towels %i Inventions of Our Time: Matches %e Matches. One of the greatest inventions of the culture of Earth, after the invention of the towel of course. It is rumored that matches were originally designed to help count boxing matches. That's where the name comes from. Counting works like this: add one match to a pile for each match played. After all the matches have been played, count the number of matches in the pile and if that number matches the number of matches which should have been played, the contest is over. If they don't match, well, that's your problem then. The idea of using matches to count boxing matches didn't get very much support from boxing match organisers around the world as they found out that using a normal calculator is much easier. Most hitchhikers have discovered other and better uses for matches, though. Matches can be used, for example, to get away pieces of food stuck in your teeth. You can also use them to draw a picture in sand. You can use a match as a lock pick. Sometimes you can use it to fix something that is broken, but not if it isn't. You can put a match into your eye. I'm not saying that is recommendable, though. Some even use them to make a fire. Actually there's some brown stuff on the other end of match to help it to fire. This use is very nice if you are in some Not-So-Safe Place (e.g. snake pit) where you would like to see something but somebody has turned all the lights off. Matches are sold in small boxes called match boxes. There are lots of different colours, lengths and styles of matches available. The most effective colour is brown. The picture on the match box doesn't actually matter so much. %e *EOA* %t Drawing Conclusions %n 8S10 %s What Assumptions Can You Make? %a Aaron Rice (a.rice@ukonline.co.uk) %d 19960525 %x Quantum Mechanics Of Sandwiches In Lunchboxes %x Ignorance %x Lost Property %i Conclusions, Drawing %i Assumptions, Making %e From the results of any experiment or any occurrence, there are usually a number of conclusions that can be drawn. The circumstances of the happenings will allow you to make assumptions, and perhaps definite statements, about which conclusions are probable or even possible. The assumptions that can be made will often be limited by the knowledge of the person making them. For example, if a live cat and a plate of chicken were left in an otherwise empty sealed room, and when this room was opened again a short while later, the plate of chicken remained untouched and the cat had vanished, the following could be surmised: 1) The cat has somehow escaped; this would contradict your knowledge about the room, that it was sealed, and that therefore nothing could escape. This could lead you to believe that your initial assumption about the room was untrue, or that someone has released the cat, or the cat itself, departed before the door was sealed. 2) The cat is there, but it isn't visible; this would contradict your knowledge about the cat, that it has no ability to camouflage itself and nowhere to hide. From this you might assume that cat has escaped (if you couldn't hear it meowing.) 3) The plate of chicken has somehow consumed the cat; this contradicts your knowledge about the plate of chicken, that the plate has always been inanimate, and the chicken was rendered inanimate when it was removed from its carcass and chopped into pieces. From this, you might assume that you are going crazy. Of course, to explain the first possibility, if you had the imagination or the technology, you might assume that some form of teleportation device had allowed the cat to pass through the boundaries of the room and onto freedom. Scientifically, without proof of the existence of this form of device, you cannot form this as an explanation. The possibility that somebody has released the cat, while being perfectly plausible, will also compromise your assumptions about the security of the room. Also, the idea that the cat left the room before it was sealed will be discounted here. To explain the second, you could decide that the cat is hiding under the chicken, or the plate. This could be the case if the plate is large enough, or the quantity of chicken is sufficient. Unfortunately, for the purposes of this experiment, they are not. The third conclusion is so patently ridiculous that in an irrational universe, it could well be the case. Unfortunately, if this were the case, it would challenge every other piece of knowledge and every other assumption you have. For this reason, most people will discount it, and for the purposes of this experiment, so will we. You might also, at some point, assume that you are looking in the wrong room. For the purposes of this experiment, the room is clearly labeled, and its exact location is beyond doubt. You may rest assured that no mistake of this form can have been made. It is, of course, possible that someone had actually forgotten to put the cat in the room in the first place. This is most likely to be the case, because every other assumption that has been made seems so unlikely, that they cannot, within the bounds of technology, reason and knowledge, be the case. In the end, however, the only remaining question may be: where is the cat? From the facts, it is usually possible to find the most likely conclusions, and report on these in whichever way you see fit, though if they lack a certain impact, it can be necessary to use one of the less plausible explanations to justify whatever time and effort and money you have spent [1]. If you are not inclined to spend any time, effort, or money on the experiment, however, a creative and imaginative touch is required to create a conclusion that is both plausible and entertaining, while keeping a touch of originality, and perhaps a pinch of insanity. You are not advised to take this approach if you are required to demonstrate the reasons for your conclusion, unless you have also created a water-tight explanation. Epilogue: please be assured that the cat came to no harm. As for the plate of chicken, that was the last big job it ever did. Its life went on the slide from there-onwards, it went on the bottle (gravy, I think), its whole family deserted it, and they reposessed the saucer. Even its agent said, "What good is a showbiz plate of chicken?" It was pretty broken up. Last I heard was when it hitched a lift northwards, and became part of a cabaret act, with an old half-pint carton of milk and a tube of toothpaste. Apparently it's not bitter, but I wouldn't want to put that to the test. [1] It may occasionally be necessary to justify the use of these even if they haven't been used. %e *EOA* %t Bubble Wrap Game, The %n 8S11 %s A Brilliant Idea From The Prince Of Fun %a Alexander Lachlan McLintock (Alex.McLintock@chadwyck.co.uk) %d 19960529 %x McLintock, Alexander Lachlan %e First get the following items: 1 stopwatch (optional), 1 whistle or horn (optional), n microphones (optional), n identical pieces of bubble wrap marked with numbers from 1 to n (not optional) [1]. "n" stands for the number of competitors, typically two or more. This number is dependant on the number of drunk people in the vicinity or, alternatively, the number of science fiction fans nearby (they'll try anything). Bubble wrap is a strange device generally used for packing material. In some areas it is used to great effect as a tension relieving device. Bubble wrap is a plastic sheet with soft air-filled blisters. It is impossible to hold this plastic without involuntarily popping one or more of the bubbles. The fact that this can be quite therapeutic was noticed by one Piggy Wilkinson in the last years of the twentieth century. He took this packing material, painted it red, and sold it under the trademarked name of "Tension Sheet". He made a lot of money. Some time before playing the game count the number of intact bubbles on the wrap. If the n pieces really are identical then I suppose you can dispense with this step. Gather your competitors (and if possible an audience) in front of the optional microphones. Explain the rules to them: They have thirty seconds [2] to pop as many bubbles as they can, using nothing but their hands. If possible they should pop the bubbles near to the microphones. Next give them each a piece of wrap, making sure none of the competitors touches them until the (optional) whistle is blown. Blow the (optional) whistle and start the (optional) stopwatch at the same time. When the thirty seconds are up blow the (optional) whistle and make sure that everyone stops popping. Have your (optional) lovely assistants count the remaining bubbles. The competitor with the fewest wins! A prize may be optional at this point. But with some people it may not. This game is copyright Alex McLintock. Permission is granted to use this game in any non-recorded, non-broadcast event. Would network television stations please contact me about a deal for a new game show. [1] Ok, ok, if they each have a different number on then they aren't identical. [2] thirty seconds may be too long if your pieces of bubble wrap are too small. %e *EOA* %t Moon Hoax, The %n 8S12 %s Another Masterpiece By Stanley Kubrick %a C. Powers (lost on internet) * Formerly (cwpowers@gate.net) * Found in alt.humor.best-of-usenet * by Roel van der Meulen (vdmeulen@strw.leidenuniv.nl) %d 19951004 %i Movie Review: The Apollo Missions %i Kubrick, Stanley * %x Roswell, The Incident At %x Moon, The * %k Apollo 11 %e Great North Wind (gnwind@io.org) wrote: Does anyone really believe that human beings have actually set foot on the moon? I don't know, but I believe that if it wasn't for the sci-fi feats of Kubrick in 2001, the American brain trust would have offered us only audio of the so-called moon landing. It was 2001 that showed NASA how to stage a moon landing. Excellent observation. In fact, in early 1968, Mr. Kubrick was secretly approached by NASA officials who presented him with a lucrative offer to "direct" the first three moon landings. Initially Kubrick declined, as "2001: A Space Odyssey" was in post-production at the time, but NASA sweetened the deal by offering to allow Mr. Kubrick exclusive access to the alien artifacts and autopsy footage from the Roswell crash site. NASA further leveraged their position by threatening to publicly reveal the heavy involvement of Mr. Kubrick's younger brother, Raul, with the American Communist Party. This would have been an intolerable embarrassment to Mr. Kubrick, especially since the release of "Dr. Strangelove". Kubrick finally relented, and for sixteen months he and a special effects team -- led by Douglas Trumbull -- worked in a specially-built sound stage in Huntsville, Alabama, "creating" the first and second moon landings. This effort resulted in hundreds of hours of 35mm and video "footage" of the Apollo 11 and 12 moon missions. The bogus Apollo 11 mission was masterfully staged in July of 1969. A Saturn V rocket with astronauts Armstrong, Aldrin, and Collins was launched into low Earth orbit, remaining there while NASA carefully released Kubrick's studio footage to the press. After the spectacular "lunar landing" and "return to Earth," the astronauts reentered Earth's atmosphere and made a perfect splash down in the Pacific, right on schedule. Several months later, the Apollo 12 mission was successfully staged in a similar manner. Mr. Kubrick refused to direct the Apollo 13 mission, however, because NASA officials rejected his screenplay in which the Apollo 13 mission fails. Kubrick insisted that a dramatic failed mission from which the astronauts were safely returned to Earth would ultimately prove to be NASA's "finest hour." NASA maintained that a failed mission would unnecessarily jeopardize the agency's image, so Kubrick quit the project. Ironically, NASA later decided to use the failed mission scenario, for which Randall Cunningham -- a little known but highly respected British director -- was recruited to direct. Kubrick's relentless perfectionism is evident throughout the Apollo production, from the chilling "1201 alarm" during the final seconds of the Eagle's descent to the lunar surface, right down to the lunar dust covering the astronaut's EVA suites. The production itself was not without problems, however. For example, the front-projection process -- used so successfully in the "Dawn of Man" sequences in 2001, proved to be inadequate for reproducing a convincing lunar landscape. Particularly vexing was the challenge of recreating the harsh lighting conditions and the one-sixth G environment on the Moon. Consequently, the moon walk sequences were actually filmed on location in the Sea of Tranquility. Kubrick did not accompany the crew to the lunar site because of his well-known fear of flying. However, all of the scenes were carefully scripted in advance, and Kubrick was able to direct remotely from the Johnson Space Center in Houston -- a film making "first." An interesting side note: Kubrick is well-known for his interest in theoretical mathematics. During breaks in the filming of the Apollo missions, Kubrick would often dabble in orbital mechanics, frequently consulting with Werner von Braun who lived in Huntsville at the time. After several of these sessions, Kubrick inadvertently derived an elegant solution to the "free return trajectory" problem -- the very problem that prevented NASA from completing a _real_ moon mission in the first place. Sadly, this discovery came about far too late into the production for it be of any practical use to the engineers at NASA, and was soon forgotten. To this day, however, Stanley Kubrick's brilliant work on the Apollo missions remains both unsurpassed and -- regrettably -- uncredited. %e *EOA* * * End of file: SREAL04.NEW * Share and Enjoy! *