*
* Archive:  SREAL06.NEW
*
* Created on:  Tue Mar 28 15:30:11 2000
*
* Number of articles:  10
*
* Welcome!  This is one of the files that goes to make up the archives of
* Project Galactic Guide.  To find out what the heck PGG is, go look at its
* main Web site at <http://www.galactic-guide.com>, where you'll be able to
* find an FAQ.
*

*
* The articles in this file are:
*
*   DuctTape-4     Duct Tape
*   BeerPretzel-3  Beer And Pretzels
*   Caffeine-3     Extreme Utility Of Caffeine, The
*   CrimeScenes-3  Crime Scenes
*   ExtrapDNA-3    Douglas Adams' Fans, Psychological Profile Of
*   Meetings-3     Meetings, How To Remain Awake During
*   MurphysLaws-3  Laws That Govern Everyday And Military Life
*   Revision-3     Revision
*   GWOC-4         Great Wall of China, The
*   ShopAssist-3   Convenience Stores, Working In
*


%t Duct Tape
%n 6S19
%s The Holiest Substance In The Known Galaxy
%a Brendan R. Dillon  (pvt_wildman@hotmail.com)
%d 19980616
%i Adhesives:  Duct Tape
%i Tape, Duct Tape
%i World War II, One Result Of
%i Gaffer Tape
%x Classification Of Religions
%x Live Action Roleplaying
%x Broomball
%e
World War II was the bloodiest war in history.  Millions died, and many
thriving cities were reduced to ruins.  But by the time it ended in 1945,
the world had experienced several great things; for example, the death of
Adolf Hitler, the end of the Great Depression, and best of all, duct tape.

Duct tape is a wonderful gray adhesive which can be used for nearly any
purpose.  People have been known to use duct tape to repair computer
keyboards, create wallets, and even hang themselves onto walls.  Martin
Crane of _Frasier_, one of the most famous duct tape users in the world,
uses it on his armchair.  Red Green, a Canadian television icon, uses it for
everything.

Religions have even been spawned by duct tape.  In The True Religion
(classification code 80+D?M-0B1B), the highest rank on the Heirarchy of the
Gods is named after duct tape.

Some people, especially in Europe, use the term "gaffer's tape" in
reference to duct tape.  This use is incorrect.  Gaffer's tape is, in fact, a
completely different adhesive.  It is more clothlike, usually black (though
sometimes white), and its sticky stuff melts easily.  In general, gaffer's
tape is evil.
%e
*EOA*


%t Beer And Pretzels
%n 6S20
%s Food That Goes With Beer
%a Jon Canady  (Jjonpaul@aol.com)
%d 19990207
%x Beer Hunter, The Game Of
%x Pubs, How To Deal With Them
%x Earth
%e
Something has been intriguing my intellect for the last few hours.  The 
thing about people with Beer and Pretzels.  Whenever someone tells a story 
with people that happen to be in a bar, there is a pretzel bowl.  Whenever
someone drinks a beer, the usual snack item with them are pretzels.  What is
wrong with people?

Bertenders have claimed that the contrast between dry pretzel and wet beer
is good for business.  People say that same contrast really tastes good.
Some people think that its just the fact that pretzels and beer happen to be
close to the same shade of brown, and thats good enough reason for them.

Me?  I think that pretzles are really some kind of spy device.  The beings
that brought them here are microscopic, and they have brainwashed the
bartenders into serving pretzles.  Upon digestion, they take readings of
your internal systems.  Then they record this data, so they can reproduce
and finally take over this measly planet Earth. [1]

So remember, if you've ever eaten a pretzel, they know about you, and you
are on their list. 

[1] Editor's Note:
    Personally I think it is because pretzels are non-alcoholic and 
    slightly salty.  The salt makes you more thirsty so you buy more beer.
    The pretzels are useful for soaking up beer in the stomach and thus you
    are able to drink more.  Do not drink on an empty stomach!  There
    isn't really any kind of conspiracy of pretzel like aliens invading 
    planet Earth [2].
[2] Author's Note:
    Well you would say that wouldn't you.
%e
*EOA*


%t Extreme Utility Of Caffeine, The
%n 6S21
%s Caffeine And Coffee, The Driving Forces Of History
%a Francois Tremblay  (mdipres@videotron.ca)
%d 19980917
%x Coffee
%x Jolt Cola
%x Tea
%e
There is a story that is both human and enlightening (two terms which
usually don't go together) that was related to me by the most incompetent
man I ever knew.  This man has, with the regularity of a grandfather clock,
failed at everything he ever did.  It is my personal opinion that, since he
was so incompetent at everything, he couldn't possibly have forged it [1].
It took place at an unknown university, where students toil hard and party
loudly.

One day, in an old computer lab (at the time when there were punched cards,
and a lot more punch at programmer parties), there was a problem.  The
problem was this:  the lab helpers were overworked.  It turned out that
there were four times more people asking for help than two weeks before!  A
lot of these new demands were for beginner problems ("Can I punch a card
with this screwdriver?",  "How come the holes on my cards always make the
number 42?",  "Who is this General Failure and why is he reading my
program?", and such).

So the administrators, always eager to fiddle with some problem or another,
decided to find out what was the problem.  After blaming it on solar flares
(co-excuse of the week with "static interference from rulers"), they gave up
on trying to understand the whole mess and made a lot of nice simulations,
statistical derivation analysis reports, and structural redesign comparative
modules, to see whenever it would be more efficient to get another helper.
After having concluded that, all and all, a new helper would cost more than $600,000, they decided instead to spend it all on nice new furniture made
out of deer skin.

What they failed to take in consideration is the human factor.  Most of us,
especially directors who prefer to concentrate on nice furniture or on
drinking heavily than on real problems, consider humans as beings acting in
a somewhat random and thus negligible manner [2].  This is, as most
assumptions are, absolutely false.

So why did they have so many people asking for help, you wonder?  Actually,
the problem was simple, so simple that no one could see it.  The coffee
maker wasn't there anymore.

"What?!" you cry out.  "What does a coffee maker has to do with all this?"

The precise situation is:  imagine that you are a programmer who enters the
room to get your print-outs.  Also imagine that they have not arrived.
The employee tells you your program will finish executing "any second now".
What do you do?  Take a good coffee, of course.

Now imagine a newbie comes in and reads his print-out, and screams out of
agony because his program is utter crap.  What would a good, generous person
like you do?  Why, help him, of course.  Which means that he wouldn't have 
to go ask the helper about it (you already found the bug and the way to
patch it up), and you straightened out his marriage, gave him three hours of
advice on his mutual funds, and a great, fresh, new outlook on life.

With no more coffee machine, no one stays around to wait for print-outs,
hence no one helps anyone anymore!  In two weeks, you get a major problem on
your hands.  All of this because one obtuse, completely unknown department
head, in his infinite wisdom, decides to circumvent natural coffee machine
migration patterns, and moves them all somewhere else.

The moral of this anecdotal, completely meaningless event is twofold.
First of all, bureaucracy always prevails.  Secondly, and most importantly,
caffeine is the driving force of civilization.

How is that, you ask me?  All of recent human history was sustained by
coffee.  Incredible but true.  Consider the evidence.


The Caffeine Connection
=======================
By the seventeenth century, coffee was widespread in Europe.  Coffee houses
sprung up everywhere (they did take some time coming back down, but no one
minded).  They would play a tremendous role in the gathering of poets,
artists, and philosophers of the Age of Reason.  Where was coffee most
popular?  In England, of course, where the industrial revolution later
started.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Furthermore, coffee had an early strong influence on the United States.  It
was in coffee houses that the Revolutionaries met and planned the Boston Tea
Party.  In these was given the first public reading of the Declaration of
Independence.  After meetings in coffee houses, the first Continental
Congress was born.  In short, coffee has been the omnipresent American
symbol of freedom and justice.  Coincidence ?  I _really_ think not.

Mark Cohen's great book, _The progression from Barbarism to Cultural Heights
(As Exemplified In Porky 1 to 5)_, also correctly identifies the driving
force of civilization as coffee and other caffeine products.

Some scientists have also briefly theorized that coffee could prevent
suicides.  It is not certain exactly how they could say that, since they
immediately afterwards decided to attempt their next scientific experiment,
which had something to do with defenestration and the statistical
probability of catching a robot with a towel in mid-air.

Of course, our modern world could not stay afloat without coffee.  Coffee,
as a world commodity, is second only to oil.  We all know how our organisms
have adapted to it and gained new levels of efficiency.  We all know great
geniuses and explorers who drink coffee to sustain their energy levels [3].

In the future, new sources of energy will permit us to make more and better
coffee.  Nebulas can be harnessed to dispense some more hmm-hmm caffeine
goodness.  Futurists have also theorized that our blood will gradually be
replaced by caffeine, thus circumventing all the long 
making-drinking-assimilating processes.  Of course these same guys also said
that males will grow a beer thumb, so it is not advised to listen too hard
to futurists.

[1] I leave judging if this story is indeed an urban legend or truthful
    recollection as an exercise for the reader.
[2] There is no such thing as random, unless you count girls of the same
    name.  For a more elaborated discourse on randomness, please consult
    chapter 3 of _How Philosophy can make you a really sassy frood:  42 
    conversation topics to make sure-fire enemies_, by Professor Marcus
    Yekralam. 
[3] See "Voltaire", "Frederick the Great", "Captain Janeway, Kathryn".
%e
*EOA*


%t Crime Scenes
%s What To Do Upon Discovering A Dead Body
%n 8S20
%a Dirk van Deun  (dirk@igwe.vub.ac.be)
%d 19990801
%x Rules Of Car Chasing
%x Meteor Strike, Recommended Procedures For A
%k Television, Film, Movie, Love, Murder
%e
Careful study of tens if not hundreds of films and episodes of television
series, containing plenty of material on this subject, teaches us that
calling the police or any other authority is the least common reaction upon
being the first to find a dead body.  The same cinematic sources do also
suggest some better courses of action to take, which lead to a highly
successful future, a so-called happy end, for the finder.

This success further in life, usually of an amorous nature, seems to depend
on the finder making himself a suspect.  If the body should have a knife
sticking out of him, the finder should touch it to leave fingerprints.  To
be discovered in this position, holding the knife, preferably by any kind of
law-enforcer, seems to be a guarantee for success, and is sometimes easy to
arrange.  In case of murder by a firearm, you should pick it up to apply
your fingerprints on the weapon.  If you are lucky, the police will arrive
in the meantime.

Now if you had any reason to hate the deceased, you should start looking for
any material evidence thereof, and you should take it away and start
carrying it on you.  If the police hasn't arrived by then, you should leave;
if the police should arrive while you leave, for best results run away as
hard as you can, even if you find yourself at that moment in time in the
lobby of a hotel with 100 rooms, in one of which the body is to be found.
Behaving in a suspiciously nervous or sneaky way will do the trick also.

From this point on, many things may happen.  The most common is that you
will be hunted, but able to stay out of reach of the authorities with the
help of an extremely attractive member of the opposite sex, while hunting
the real murderer yourself.  Do not be disappointed if the only supremely
attractive member of the other sex that you meet hates you at first sight:
hate will transform into passionate love after a reasonable period of being
dependent on each other.  If you are not so lucky as to have been chained to
this person by phony law enforcers, and no occasion occurs to save his or
her life, you can simply resort to kidnapping.

We must stress here again that events may take many other courses.  However,
almost constant elements are the drop-dead gorgeous member of the opposite
sex, the physical chase (in the old days, often a race through and over long
trains; nowadays usually a car chase through crowded streets lined with
fruit stands and stacks of empty boxes), and a period of captivity during
which you fallaciously believe to have been betrayed by the love interest.

The pay-off is really almost a certainty.  Sometimes fantastic amounts of
money are involved; sometimes, especially in times of war, the highest
honours; but almost always marriage.  This will often be marriage with
someone you would never have met if not for discovering the crime scene, 
but making yourself a suspect is certainly also the best way to marry that
person you are silently in love with, but who doesn't even know you exist.
Still, the reader should be warned that although the risk is small, tragic
endings have been known to occur:  fortunately their relative amount is
decreasing and projected to be infinitesimally small by the year 2020.  

Note:  why the second person to find a body always phones the authorities
immediately, only to resume his or her extremely boring life, is still a
very active area of research.
%e
*EOA*


%t Douglas Adams' Fans, Psychological Profile Of
%n 8S21
%s Why Can't Douglas Adams Fans Take His Procrastination For What It Is?
%a Stephane Lussier  (slussier@bigfoot.com)
%d 19990108
%i Douglas Adams' Procrastrination And Its Effect On His Fans
%i Chronic Extrapolation Disorder (CED)
%i Douglas-Adams Disease, The
%i Maddening Influence Of Douglas Adams, The
%i Fandom-Induced Lunacy
%x Writing Style, Douglas Adams'
%e
Somewhere in the world of science-fiction, there exists a writer known as
"the very late Douglas Adams".  He isn't dead.  He isn't subject to frequent
death threats either.  He just takes time to do things.  A _lot_ of time.
His work remains in progress so long, seeing generations and generations of
deadlines pass, that years later, by the time he comes back to it, it has
turned into something almost unrecognizable -- probably a new life form. 
Because of this, some of his projects are now known to behave just like the
apocalypse does:  repeatedly announced but never actually coming.
 
Many of his fans have long speculated on the meaning of this.  They have
spent days and nights chatting and pursuing threads, confronting the hidden
mysteries of what may never come, trying to discover new enchantingly
extravagant ways to relate deadlines to apocalypses, and to relate the
procrastination of Douglas Adams to the procrastination of God[1].  For
years, they tried to explain the unexplainable, to connect every little
thing they knew to every other little thing, and to the greater things,
which in turn were also connected to each other in their own incredible
ways.  With time, they came to find many intricate solutions.  Of course,
you should not trust any one of them.
 
Chronic extrapolation is a very widespread condition amongst Douglas Adams
fans and should in no way be made fun of.  Tactful hitch-hikers prefer to
speculate along with the fans, and to engage into semi-logical threads of
exotic nonsense, rather than to ruin the fun with a boring accusation of
lunacy.  Real hitch-hikers shouldn't have any difficulty in adopting such an
attitude since they usually suffer from the same mental quirks themselves.
  
Perhaps the best known symptom of the disorder is the unnecessary urge to
apply one's own, more or less limited, intellect to the invention of
elaborate, semi-scientific nonsense.  The chronic extrapolator will find
strange new ways to make up meanings about meaningless numbers and go on
endlessly about it in USENET groups.  He will fabricate the most paranoid 
conspiration theories just to admire their aesthetics.  He will dream up 
unbelievable cosmologies and forget to teach them as new religions.  He will
engage into unreliable pseudo-science for the burst of a joke instead of for
the money.  Economically speaking, chronic extrapolation can lead to a
tragically impractical life.
 
There is an alarming lack of scientific progress in finding a cure to this
condition.  The only research to have been done has come from hi-tech firms'
management personnel who could no longer stand the conversations that some
of their engineers where having.  Common sense told them that it was 
impossible for them to have any control on what people cared to talk about,
but they decided to disregard common sense and act anyway.  Human resources
experts worked intensively to identify problems that suited them and
proposed solutions that suited them even more.  Sadly for them, it only lead
to far more annoying jokes.  Their analysis showed that many science-fiction
fans believe that this lack of interest for elaborate futilities can only be
caused by excessive mind-numbing activity [2].  Because of this conclusion,
it is more than likely that people suffering from CED will continue to amuse
themselves with useless nonsense, no matter what is done against it.  It is
still unknown what effects on world economy it will have.

[1] Not that he/she/it/they exist(s). Not that he/she/it/they don't
    (doesn't) exist either, whatever he/she/it/they might be.  So let's 
    not mention him/her/it/them anymore so we can stop using too many 
    pronouns.   He/She/It/They probably don't (doesn't) exist anyway.
[2] The business people's analysis also argues that since CED victims can 
    be an unreliable bunch of self-entertaining mythomaniacs, it isn't 
    worth the effort for anyone to study this claim any further.
%e
*EOA*


%t Meetings, How To Remain Awake During
%n 8S22
%s Alternatives To Gnawing Off Your Own Legs
%a Alex Gough  (alexander.gough@st-hughs.ox.ac.uk)
%d 19991110
%x Sleep
%x Boredom
%x Work
%x Top Twenty-Six Ways To Kill Time
%x Lecture Games
%x Naps, The Most Convenient Time To Take
%x Time
%x Lunch
%x Lunchtime
%x Scientific Truth In Product Warning Labels
%x Coffee
%x Philosophy
%x Cheese
%x Windows
%x Mobile Phones
%x Telephones
%x Atomic Bomb, Constructing An
%k Meetings, Business, Work, Sleep, Dream, Time, Boredom
%e
The majority of many people's working time is spent in meetings.  These are
usually held to allow a group to decide the policy of an organisation, the
best way of launching a product, or in some special cases where they should
go for lunch.  These meetings are usually dull and protracted with every
important point being covered many times, and any unimportant business
surfacing more often than not.  

Meetings usually last until the bladder of one of the participants fails.
This can take some time, especially if coffee is not provided for this
purpose.  Because of the length of meetings, the hitchhiker caught in one
will wish to find a way of amusing themselves whilst paying scant attention
to what happens around him.  On some occasions, everyone in a meeting might
adopt this policy, causing it to last even longer than necessary.  If this
occurs, the meeting might remain in a state of ignorant bliss for days, or
even months, as each participant pays no attention whatsoever to the
activities of those around him.  Many organisations now provide people to
walk accidently into meetings every three hours to prevent this decay of the
human condition.

During any period of half sleep such as this, it is common for people to
drift between a dream state and reality.  Often the two become
indistinguishable and you might find yourself leaving a meeting believing
that all present had resolved to rename the company as the `Great Happy
Bubble Joy Corporation' and serve blancmange during tea breaks instead of
biscuits.  It is often suggested by historians that the preamble to the
American constitution originally began "We the Fairy Pixies, ..." after
Benjamin Franklin dozed off during the closing portion of discussion.  The
world has George Washington's quick thinking and hasty rewrite to thank for
the correction of this error.

There are many ways of staving off the boredom associated with a long
meeting.  Some of these are as follows:

         * Drawing cartoons on a note pad;
         * Playing tic tac toe with a neighbour;
         * Tapping out a rhythm with your foot;
         * Philosophising on the true nature of cheese;
         * Trying to catch the attention of the attractive typing clerk from
           accounts;
         * Remembering if the gas was still on at home;
         * Planning a meteoric rise to fame as an untalented talk-show host;
         * Staring blankly out of a window;
         * Staring blankly at a wall;
         * Composing short poems on the cost of bread;

If these simple and private methods of self stimulation fail to keep the
dulled mind amused, it may become necessary to adopt more aggressive tactics
and try to end the meeting altogether.  This is best achieved by feigning
illness, or even death; the best results can be obtained by appearing to
have a highly virulent tropical disease.  If this fails to end the meeting
it may be possible to use a mobile telephone to tell building security of a
bomb threat.  Ventriloquism can also be used to good effect, for instance by
making a co-worker seem to shout "I have seen the light" or "We're doomed,
run for the hills".

In the worst meetings it might be necessary to use the ultimate form of
escape, but that would involve the invention of teleportation and a not
insignificant amount of blue Brie, so that is not currently available.

The important thing to remember during all meetings is that they will finish
at some point, and that the day after you will most likely be stuck in a
different room with another group of zombified employees who have the
intention to overturn whatever decision was made the previous day.  It is
thus that all progress is made.  [1]

[1] Editor 6:  It is very difficult for people who have never worked for a
    living to understand how all-pervasive meetings are in the workplace.
    They are diabolical.
  
    If you want a good meeting then organise for the morning rather than the
    afternoon.  Never organise meetings for earlier than the normal
    "clocking on" time, such as 9am.  Always ask yourself whether the
    meeting is absolutely necessary. 
  
    If you are invited to a meeting, then always demand to be told why you
    are expected to attend, what you are supposed to contribute to the
    meeting, and what the meeting is supposed to achieve.  If you don't get
    a satisfactory answer then just don't go.
%e
*EOA*


%t Laws That Govern Everyday And Military Life
%n 6S22
%s The Laws Of Many People Pretending To Be Called Murphy
%a Morten Lied Johansen  (mortenjo@ifi.uio.no)
%d 19981227
%x Murphic Field In Daily Life, The
%x Infinity, The Truth About
%x Magic
%e
We all know that the universe is ruled by laws more general than those of
Newton, Kepler and their fellow thinkers.  Here follows the laws which
forever, or at least for a pretty long while, longer that a special inquiry
into the US President's drawers, but still not as long as infinity, because 
that would just not be possible, or maybe it would, I haven't really thought
about it yet, but the laws are in any way important to remember for a 
hoopy field researcher [1].


Laws Derived From Murphy's [2]
==============================


          1) If anything can go wrong, it will.

          2) If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the
             one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to
             go wrong.

          3) If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
          4) If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which
             something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth
             way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

          5) Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

          6) If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
             overlooked something.

          7) Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

          8) Mother Nature is a bitch.


Murphyish Military Laws
=======================

          1) Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

          2) No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
              -- Field Marshall Helmuth Carl Bernard von Moltke

          3) Friendly fire ain't.

          4) The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with
             a map.

          5) The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has
             already mined it.

          6) The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the
             enemy somebody else to shoot at.

          7) The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more
             likely your artillery will shoot short.

          8) Incoming fire has the right of way.

          9) If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.

          10) The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too
              small. [3]

          11) If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.

          12) The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on
              abandoned positions.

          13) The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is
              incoming friendly fire.

          14) There is nothing more satisfying than having someone take a
              shot at you, and miss.

          15) Don't be conspicuous.  In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out
              of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.

          16) If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.

          17) Never worry about the bullet with your name on it. Instead,
              worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.

          18) All battles are fought at the junction of two or more map
              sheets. ...printed at different scales; ...uphill; ...and in
              the rain.

          19) Logistics is the ball and chain of armoured warfare.
               -- Heinz Guderian

          20) The army with the smartest dress uniform will lose.

          21) What gets you promoted from one rank gets you killed in the
              next rank.

          22) A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
               -- George Patton

          23) If orders can be misunderstood, they have been.

          24) Tracer works both ways.

          25) If the enemy is in range, so are you.

          26) War is like love.  To triumph, you must make contact.
               -- Attributed to Napoleon

          27) Boldness becomes rarer, the higher the rank.
               -- Karl von Clausewitz

          28) Never reinforce failure.  Failure reinforces itself.

          29) Only 5% of an intelligence report is accurate.  The trick of
              a good commander is to isolate the 5%.
               -- Douglas MacArthur

          30) Tactics is for amateurs; professionals study logistics.

          31) When a front line soldier overhears two General Staff
              officers conferring, he's fallen back too far.

          32) It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but
              it sure helps.

          33) No captain can do very wrong who places his ship alongside
              that of the enemy.
               -- Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson

          34) Only numbers can annihilate.
               -- Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson

          35) Always know when it's time to get out of Dodge.

          36) Always know how to get out of Dodge.

          37) Your equipment was made by he lowest bidder.

          38) Priorities are made by officers, not God.  There's a
              difference.

          39) Always honour a threat.

          40) The weight of all of your equipment is proportional to the
              cube of the time you have been carrying it.

          41) Hell hath no fury like a non-combatant.
               -- Charles Edward Montague

          42) Fighter pilots make movies; attack pilots make history.

          43) There are two kinds of naval vessels: submarines and
              targets.

          44) A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost.
               -- Ferdinand Foch (Principles de Guerre)

          45) Surprise is an event that takes place in the mind of a
              commander.
               -- Jerry Pournelle

          46) All warfare is based on deception.
               -- Sun Tzu (The Art of War)

          47) A little caution outflanks a large cavalry.
               -- Otto von Bismark

          48) No combat ready squad ever passed inspection. No inspection
              ready squad ever passed combat.

          49) Five second grenade fuses burn down in three seconds.

          50) The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.

          51) Radios function perfectly until you need fire support.

          52) If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you
              will have more than your fair share to take.

          53) Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full
              of amateurs.

          54) Parade ground inspections are to combat readiness as
              messhall food is to cuisine.

          55) When in doubt empty the magazine.

          56) Snow is not neutral.
               -- Frunze Military Academy


Murphy's Meta-law
=================
All of Murphy's Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
without thinking.


Some Added Comments From Unnamed Sources
========================================
There are three schools of magic:

          1) State a tautology, then ring the changes on its corollaries --
             that's philosophy.

          2) Record many facts.  Try to find a pattern.  Then make wrong
             guesses at the next fact -- that's science..

          3) Be aware that you live in a malevolent universe controlled by
             Murphy's Law -- that's engineering.

[1] The author takes no credit for these laws.  He just needed them so that
    he could cross reference to them in the future, and he felt they were
    really needed.  They are important.
[2] Probably none of these laws were written by someone named Murphy,
    but what the heck.
[3] Ed.:  "too large, and too small"?  Sounds like four sizes to me.
%e
*EOA*


%t Revision
%n 6S23
%a Alex Gough  (alex@rcon.org)
%d 19990607
%s The Art of Gentle Procrastination
%x Alcohol Guilt In Students
%x Examinations, Fifty Ways To Fail
%x High School
%e
Revision is the process of preparing for an examination by going through
your previous notes and assignments until thoroughly versed in the topic of
the exam.  It is also the most soul destroying activity known to man.
Revision has been used for centuries to subjugate the younger members of
society and to keep  them away from the dangers of free time, social contact
and alcohol.

Revision should be a Good Thing, as it involves learning, which is a noble
goal, but it is actually a Very Bad Thing Indeed.  This is because it is
always geared towards learning answers to previous examination questions in
the hope that they will reappear.  As they always do then this is a safe
course of action for the ambitious student even though it will leave them
empty of all true knowledge at the end of their course.

There are many ways to revise, most of them have been created by teachers 
or parents and are thus impractical for the student.  The most common 
forms are as follows:


Taking Notes On Notes You Have Already Taken
============================================
This is a recursive method of revision and will cause all sense of your
original notes to be lost within three iterations.  Even if you were to
start with absolute truth you would quickly end up with garbled mish-mash.

It is suggested by some that this is the way in which the universe was
created, by a God who had to swot up for his final exam in omniscience but
accidently missed things out.


Doing A Very Great Number Of Questions
======================================
This is believed to be the most effective method of revision as it allows
the student to become familiar with the examination he is to sit.  This 
will cause them to pass, but not to actually know anything.  It is also 
the most tedious of all forms of revision as each past paper is the same as
any other.  Many people suggest that it would be easier to allow students 
to see the paper than to have to create a generic one from multiple past 
papers.  The establishment looks down on this, calling it 'cheating'.


Randomly Reading Pages Of A Textbook
====================================
This is at first a very satisfying method but is almost as ineffective as
method 5 below.  This is because textbooks are hard to read and frequently
wrong.


Consulting Demonic Powers
=========================
This could be a very good method of revision but it requires a good deal of
work before it can be utilised.  It is also known to be the form of 
revision which causes the most fatalities amongst its adherants as they 
are torn asunder by the powers they have called up.  This method is not 
generally reccomended, even by very progressive teachers.


The Correct Way To Revise
=========================
This is the method employed by most if not all students.  It involves very
few stages and is easily carried out.  I will illustrate it with the
following example...

 12:00 Sit down at desk.
 12:01 Get books out, shuffle paper around a bit.
 12:02 Look out of window whilst chewing pen.
 12:45 Stare at ceiling instead as window has become a little boring.
 12:59 Walk out of room and congratulate self on a good hour of solid
       revision.

This process is repeated until something good appears on the television.
%e
*EOA*


%t Great Wall of China, The
%n 8S23
%s GWOC
%a Elijah James Brown  (tbrown@mail.techplus.com)
%d 19981004
%x Eiffel Tower, The
%e
The Great Wall of China is one of the many large and over-rated "tourist
traps" [1] that the unwary hitchhiker may encounter while on Earth.  The
term "tourist trap" in this article denotes any object that serves the
purpose, or attempts to serve the purpose, of attracting large numbers of
people to a particular place, specifically in hopes of extracting money from
the pockets of said large numbers of people.

The name "The Great Wall of China" (The GWOC) is somewhat of a misnomer.  It
is, undoubtedly, a wall, and it has been firmly established by several
reputable and some not so reputable persons that it is, indeed, in
China. The aforementioned misnomer lies not in these details (they are
true), but in the adjective applied i.e.. "great".  The GWOC is not great.
That impression is obviously false.  To call it great would be to imply that
it is somehow impressive.  Allow me to elaborate:

LOOK AT THE DAMNED THING!!!

A wall, by definition, cannot be impressive.  Well, it can be, if you
decorate it, but The GWOC is not decorated.  It is actually 2400 kilometres
of unpolished brick.  The bricks are reddish brown, but that does not
qualify as decoration.

I must give the Chinese credit, though, for the valiant albeit completely
misguided and ineffective attempt to break 2400 kilometres of uninspired red
brick wall with red brick watch towers.  They were not, at this point in
time, thinking of the aesthetic qualities of defensive constructs.  What
they _were_ thinking of may require some explanation.

The GWOC was built by one Shih Huang Ti.  He is reputed to have been
somewhat mega- maniacal, which was probably why he was emperor of China.  In
any case, Shih awoke one day in 240 BC [2] and began to feel rather
perturbed.  His advisors noted this and said (to themselves), "Oh shit, not
again".  There were several reasons they were saying this, but most stemmed
from the knowledge that whenever the emperor was feeling perturbed, he had
most of his advisors impaled.  Shih was feeling perturbed because some of
his neighbours, the Mongols, liked to stay up late and party really loud and
get totally, incredibly drunk, and ride horses whilst wielding spears.  They
also had a disconcerting habit of burning things for no obvious reason,
other than the fact that the things were _there_, waiting to be burned.  The
Mongols were somewhat notorious for riding their horses into Shih's villages
and borrowing things (gold, slaves, food, lawn care implements) without
giving them back.  Whenever Shih tried to get these things back, the Mongols
would shake off their hangovers and burn a few more villages.  Shih did not
regard this as particularly polite, and did not really like being told he
couldn't have something, primarily, of course, because he _was_
emperor. Suddenly, Shih had the amazingly unspectacular idea of building the
ancient equivalent of a picket fence to keep the Mongols from treading on
his flower beds.

He ceased to be perturbed, much to the relief of his advisors, and began to
order the building of a 2400 kilometre long sound barrier.  This gave him a
headache and he had the advisors impaled anyways, which was not so much to
their relief.  That, however, was that, and the rest, according to Henry
Ford, is bunk.

The wall, however, survived the wretched fool by about 2000 years.  Great,
you know, wonderful.  Congratulations on your robust creation, but no thanks
for the nuisance.  Do you have any idea how many astronauts that thing could
kill?  Oh, yes, you can see it from space.  I can see it now: "Oh, look Bob,
the Great Wall of China!  Wow.  Hey were did I put the camer..." Crunch
bang, you've front ended the Mir space station.  That's one hell of an
insurance claim.

[1] Other objects deserving of this distinguished accolade include the
    Eiffel Tower (in Paris, France), Anne of Green Gables House (near
    Cavendish, P.E.I., Canada), the World's Largest Cookie Jar (Deloraine,
    Manitoba, Canada), and an extremely large fibreglass apple beside the
    401 highway outside of Toronto.
[2] Many Terrans (smart ass) use the abbreviations BC and AD to describe
    dates.  I don't know what the abbreviations stand for.  However, I do
    know that BC refers to before, and AD to after a certain remarkably nice
    man (his father was God, actually) was nailed to a tall piece of wood
    for some things he had to say on the subject of being a good neighbour.
    Watch out, Mr. Rogers.
%e
*EOA*


%t Convenience Stores, Working In
%n 8S24
%s How To Be A Great Shop Assistant
%i Working In Convenience Stores
%i Make Money Slowly
%i Professions:  Shop Assistant
%a Christopher Thomas  (CP.Thomas@virgin.net)
* I used to be C.P.Thomas-SE2@CS.BHAM.AC.UK - but I graduated!
* Ed: Congratulations!
%d 19980506
* begun 19950613 - submitted 19980506 - edited 19990519 
%x Professions:  System Administrator
%x Professions:  Writing Shareware, Drawback Of
%x Profession:  Paper Courier
%x Professions:  Waitering:  How To Get Tips
%x Professions:  Waitering:  Problems And Traumas
%x Professions:  Balloon Animal Sculptor
%x Hearing Aid, Cheap
%x Shopping, After Midnight
%x Aggressive Shopping
%k Convenience Store Worker Counter Business Customer Shop Money
%e
Abstract
========
The objective of this article is to show how to be a reliable, pleasing and
efficient convenience store worker, but still survive.  With over four years
experience of working behind the counter, the author will attempt to guide
the impoverished hitchhiker looking for a spot of cash through the twists
and turns, tricks and tips, on how to deal with a variety of temper testing
trials that confronts the average store worker every day.


Introduction
============
Regardless of its nature, a businesses main goal is to make money.  This
may mean supplying the best components, the loudest music, the tastiest 
food, the sharpest picture, or the most pleasurable sensations, but this
article is not about components, music, food, pictures or even any kind of
sensation whatsoever (unfortunately).  This article is about how to provide
the best service any droolingly stupid customer can get, in order to
encourage them to keep coming back to your store to spend gigantic amounts
of cash.

It does not mean that the store must stock every conceivable basic 
essential, or that it must slash prices in order to attract customers, or
that it must advertise wildly in all forms of media.  No.  The store must
provide an unthreatening, homely feeling to its patrons.  The atmosphere in
a store must exude a feeling of `welcomeness'.  A feeling of safety.  A
feeling that the shop is not there just for the sole purpose of making money
for the proprietor, but that it is there just for the sole convenience of
the customer.

This is of course, a load of insubstantial bunk.  A shop _is_ there to make
money for the proprietor, and for the people that work there.  Business is
business.  Money is money.  Customers are irritating.  This article is also
about how to put up with them.

The shop assistant's average job description could go something like this:
"The employee will operate the electronic cash tendering machines, re-stock 
shelves, and tidy up the counter area and shop floor whenever necessary, in
a friendly, efficient manner.  The employee will ensure that the customer be
completely happy at all times, and rectify the situation if this standard of
performance is not attained."

Pretty boring stuff huh?  It would be more helpful if someone could expand 
the `rectify the situation' part in the above description.  On the same 
topic, it would be of far greater help if snow didn't fall on tarmac, but
who am I to complain?  My hypothesis is that `rectify the situation' means
`sort out the problem so that the customer goes away happy'.  However, my
time spent behind the counter has left me quite bitter and twisted, so I
shall amend that to `sort out the problem so that the customer just goes
away'.

Following is some vital information that should be born in mind whilst 
working.


Customer Life Cycle
===================
A shop worker should already be familiar with the standard customer life
cycle.  We are not concerned with the "customer is born, customer shops,
customer dies" kind of life cycle, but with the following more specific
life cycle:  customer enters shop, customer chooses item(s), customer queues
at the counter, customer purchases goods, and customer leaves.  It should be
stated that customers should be encouraged to accelerate this cycle, since
getting them in and out as quickly as possible is good business practice.


The Customer Is Not _Always_ Right
==================================
A common misconception for most public citizens is that all floor staff have
the mental capacity of a treacle pudding.  This is not the case, as many 
treacle puddings can attest to.  It is far more accurate to state that the 
customer has a tiny bit of knowledge about what goes on in a shop, but 
basically knows more about what your pet cat ate for breakfast than about
store rules, policy and procedures.  In the rare circumstances where the
customer is actually _right_, then the assistant must do everything in their
power to `rectify the situation'.  


Smiling
=======
Shop staff are usually obliged to be courteous, helpful to the customers,
and make them feel welcome in the establishment.  Being courteous entails
listening attentively, saying "please" and "thank you", and speaking
clearly.  Being helpful means that they should be given good advice about
products, clear directions to a part of the store, or actually taking them,
or going to get the item yourself.  Making the customer feel welcome is as
simple as smiling at them.  Or is it?  Smiling requires many muscles in your
face, and after a few minutes of constant smiling, can become quite
tiresome, and make your face ache like you would not believe.  Counter staff
will find that it is actually possible to use approximately fifty percent of
the facial muscles, to produce an adequate, yet relatively pain-free smile.
Practise by smiling in a mirror, and try to relax your face until it does
not cause discomfort.  Many public figures have mastered this technique.
Some being politicians, most Royalty, movie stars, newsreaders, and loan
sharks.  Care must be taken not to smile `aggressively' or `insincerely'. 
These types of smile may be demonstrated if you smile whilst saying "I want
to eat your children" or by watching a used-car salesman.  It may be worth
practising a different smile for members of the same and the opposite sex.
These two smiles may be described as the "I'm an efficient member of staff"
smile, or the "I'm only doing this because I'm attracted you" smile,
respectively.  Be careful not to mix the two up, otherwise you may be on the
receiving end of unwelcome attention, or a smack round the chops.


Electronic Equipment
====================
It is essential to completely understand and operate every piece of 
electronic equipment in the store.  Embarrassing situations can easily 
arise due to faulty appliances breaking down, or doing unexpected things
such as ejecting reams of paper, or squealing "help me" beep-beep noises.
Be certain that the cash register's normal operations are understood, as
this is the most important and most used piece of equipment.  Electronic
scales are usually the most temperamental piece of equipment, and can often
be completely inoperable if off balance, or if they're having a `bad weigh
day'.  Scales usually have an "engineer call-out" number stuck to them, but
this is usually unnecessary, since a sharp blow with a price gun usually
does the trick.  The price-gun method's advantages are twofold.  Firstly, it
is much cheaper than an extortionate call-out fee.  Secondly, it makes you
feel better with the knowledge that you've just beaten the hell out of it.


Customers
=========
There are three types of customer:  adults, children, and old age
pensioners, all of which can be devided into subtypes.

Adults
------
"Zoomers" know exactly what they want, home in like a hawk on the item in
question, and are usually in, served, and out of the shop in under thirty
seconds.  This type of customer is usually the most pleasing to deal with,
since they are not around long enough to annoy you.

"Wanderers", on the other hand, have absolutely no idea why they have 
entered the shop, and probably have no memory of actually making their way
there either.  Aimlessly pacing up and down the isles, and scrutinising
every item, makes this class of customer easy to spot.  Wanderers often
purchase the greatest range of items, from nothing to everything, and can 
be quite irritating when they walk away from the counter to go and find
something else to purchase whilst the cashier is in the middle of ringing
up their items (making serving the next customer impossible).  Wanderers
have been known to stay in a shop for up to eight hours at a time; eat
breakfast, lunch and dinner; be paid by the management to search for 
out-of-date items; or to pretend to be shop security.

"Shoppers" are a cross between the two, have a rough idea of what they are
after, but will always see something else that they like too.  Shoppers can
be distinguished from wanderers and zoomers because they will invariably
enthuse to the cashier that they "only came in for this..." whilst waving
one item in the air, and then unloading an armful of shopping onto the 
counter.

Good customers are a delight to serve.  They place all their items in a 
basket; invariably have their own carrier bag and money at the ready; help
you pack their purchases; say "thank you" or other complementary goodbyes;
and vacate the counter area as quickly as possible.  Bad customers are
usually stone-faced; have an armful of shopping; are quite verbally terse
when `requesting' items; usually ask for a free carrier bag and just watch
you pack it; `remember' that they have to take their wallet out of their
pocket in order to pay, and pull a face when they realize that they will
actually have to expend effort to do so; and generally be grumpy old
bastards.  `Accidentally' over-charging, or `accidentally' short changing
such a customer is considered bad practice, but who would honestly give a
damn about them anyway?


Children
--------
As well as the younger versions of the above types there are the following
subtypes in this category.

"Old Children/Young Adults" are much the same as the previously described
types, with the exception that it's very difficult to tell their age.  This
is relevant when dealing with age-related sale restrictions.  These types
are usually just on the verge of their voice breaking, and often behave 
very sneakily while they walk about the shop.  They will attempt to buy
cigarettes, glue, aspirins, or lighter fluid, and will resolutely answer
"Yes" to the question "Are you sixteen?" even though they are in actual fact
not.  It is unfair to describe them all as `potential little shop-lifters',
so just keeping an eye on them will usually stop the more daring from trying
anything.

"Screamers" are often dragged screaming round a shop by their parents, and
generally make communication very difficult.  Children can be turned into
screamers by the parents telling them off, smacking them or denying them
sweets or toys.

"Innocents" are the type of child that sort of know how to shop, but don't
have a clue in which order to do it.  This type often jump to the start of
queues, interrupt you in the middle of a transaction, or hand you some money
then wander off to find the required item.

"Stupids" are innocents, only more so.  They have no idea how to count, and
often try to purchase far too many sweets and crisps with the amount of
money they have.  Understanding `simple' statements such as "You don't have
enough money", seems to completely confuse them, so they just cry and walk
out.

The best advice I can give for handling these young kids, is to progress
though this list of questions, and play it by ear:

          1. Is mummy or daddy here?
          2. Have you got any money?
          3. What have you come to buy?
          4. What do you mean you're 34 and want some cigarettes?


Old Age Pensioners
------------------
"OAPs" have a few idiosyncrasies, and will still fit into some of the above
categories.  Their main distinction is that everything slows down when they
come to the counter.  They have to negotiate through eight layers of
clothing before they can even begin their battle against arthritis, opening
purses, and sorting out change.  Queues often build up to traffic-jam
proportions if one of the `zimmer set' decides to go shopping.  OAPs can be
a bit deaf, so staff may have to raise their voice, or learn to switch on a
variety of hearing aids.  You may find that explaining that their hearing
aid batteries have failed can be quite difficult, but the astute will
recognise it as a sales opportunity in disguise.  Transactions taking twenty
minutes are not unheard of.  

Failing eyesight is also a large obstacle to overcome.  A fairly common
conversational snippet is "What price is this?  I've forgotten my reading
glasses!".  Walking through plate glass windows or falling over children or
animals is a common reason for calling in the emergency services.  Do not
forget to get their payment as they are stretchered out.


Habitual Catch-Phrases
======================
Customers usually have an irritating habit of attempting to make idle
conversation.  It is always preferable for the shop worker to appear
friendly to the public, so do please try to make yourself appear interested
in whatever drivel they are waffling on about.  This is not normally a
problem, except of course when there is a large queue of customers behind
them.  It can be especially trying if the customer is saying the same thing
that the last twenty customers, who also thought they'd make conversation,
said.  This is especially noticeable if the customer decides to make a 
`joke'.  This situation forces the employee to act as if it's the first time
that they have heard the joke, and then make themselves `laugh'.  This 
stressful pretence must be kept up, otherwise putting the customer in a
socially awkward position, and reducing their tendency to visit the
establishment in the future.  The two most common questions that are asked
in a shop usually follow one another.  They are "Do you have any of ITEM X?"
and "How much is it?" to which the member of staff must try to answer
without screaming at the customer to "go and find it yourself, you useless
pillock".  To prepare you for customer interaction, typical conversational
starters and some standard replies are included here for your reference:

Situation:  Customer Enters The Shop
------------------------------------
Customer:  "Morning!"
- Reply:  "Morning!"

"Isn't the weather nice?"
- "Yes, it's lovely, isn't it?"  (You are really thinking:  "What do you 
  want?")

"Phew!  It wasn't raining like this yesterday was it?"
- "No, it was lovely, wasn't it?"  ("Please.  In, money, out.  Is that too
  much to ask?")

"Did you catch the football yesterday?"
- "No, I didn't.  What did I miss?"  ("Please!  Anything but that!")
Show false interest.  It keeps them happy.


Situation:  Customer Arrives At The Counter
-------------------------------------------
"I only came in for this..."
- "Yeah?"  ("Well, zip-dee doo-dah!")
Appear interested in their selection, as if you are going to ask them why
they need it.  Don't bother to actually ask.

"Ahhh, they don't make 'em like this anymore, do they?"
- "No they don't!"  ("I'm not really paying attention you know!")

"Oh, hang on a sec, I forgot something.   I'll just leave this here."
Don't say anything.  Keep your cool.  Shove their stuff out the way and 
serve the next customer.


Situation:  Customer Hands Over Cash
------------------------------------
"That twenty's a good one, I printed it myself!"
The number of times I've heard this one is unbelievable.  Just smile.  Bite
tongue if necessary.

"Don't rub it too hard, the ink will come off!"
Just smile, anything else isn't worth it.  Believe me.

"This is my last tenner!"
Just smile and get on with the transaction.  ("Well bugger me! I've just
used my last brain cell!")

"I'm sorry, I haven't got anything smaller."
- "That's all right."  ("Well duh, what do you think a cash register is for?
  Leaning against?")

"Do you want some change?"
- "I can take any change you like."  ("Do you want a sarcastic reply?")
Some people just don't get it, do they?

"Do you want the odd five?"
- "Yes please."  ("You are determined to make my life hell, aren't you?")
Usually this happens _after_ you have sorted out the correct change.  Try 
taking 1.12 pounds out of a crisp 20 pound note, and calculating the change
(it works out to be at least one of every note and coin).

"Cheap at half the price!"
I've never properly understood this one.  One of life's eternal mysteries I
suppose.


Situation:  Customer Receives Change
------------------------------------
"Thanks very much!"
- "Thank you."  ("Please clear the counter area as quickly as possible.")

"Well, there's not much left out of that, is there?!!"
- "No there isn't."  ("Just get out.")

"Has the price gone up?"
- "Yes it went up the other day"  ("Now get out of my shop you doddering old
  fool!")
They don't realise that the price is marked clearly on 95% of the items in
the store.  The other five percent are penny sweets and fresh vegetables, 
and even then the price is displayed on the shelf.

"Thanks."  (5 second pause)  "I think you've got this wrong..."
- "Oh, sorry, the price has gone up."  ("How dare you!  Do you think I don't
  know how to work this thing?")
Some people react as if they have just had their wallet invaded by a small 
military dictatorship.

"Well, bye!  See you tomorrow!"
- "Bye!"  ("Thanks for the warning!" or "Don't come back!" or "Not if I see 
  you first!")

Not yet mentioned, of course, is "The Greatest Conversational No-Brainer 
That Exists".  This aforementioned sentence requires absolutely no interest
in the subject, and no active thought processes on behalf of the poor sap
that has to use it.  It can be used in most `one-sided' conversations that
do not end in a question.  All that is required is the simple ability to
recall the sentence in times of stress, or in times of severe exhaustion.
Are you ready?  Here it is...

The Greatest Conversational No-Brainer That Exists is:  "Oh.  Really?"

Its only drawback is that it has the effect of continuing the conversation!
This of course means that repeated use may be necessary.  Your only hope 
of salvation is that whoever you are talking to decides to end the 
conversation themselves, or if you knock them unconscious.


Physical Contact
================
There may be times when a fat, sweaty old man/pervert/maniac comes into the
shop.  You will learn quickly that each of the more experienced staff will 
try to escape from the counter, so that they do not have to serve him, and 
potentially touch him.  This usually leaves one poor quivering wreck behind
the counter, waiting in silent dread for their nemesis to arrive and pass 
on incurable contagious diseases. 

The ability to touch, or not to touch a customer has been described by many
as an art form, and should be understood, practised, and learned by all
serving staff.  Bank notes are usually easily dealt with, and can be swiped
from the customer's sticky fingers without contact.  However, coins can pose
more of a problem, due to their reduced size.  Practise by holding a coin in
one hand, and with the other hand's thumb apply a downward pressure to the
near side of the coin's face.  This should make the far side of the coin 
raise, allowing it to be then gripped with the forefinger and thumb.  Clever
huh?  Returning change is far easier than receiving it.  Pouring the change
into the customer's hand works well, but can quickly turn into a farce if it
just rolls out onto the floor and under the freezer.  Try arranging the
coins into a neat `stack' and then carefully place them into the awaiting
hand.

Of course, there may be times that you would actually _want_ to touch a 
customer, who would usually be a very attractive member of the opposite (or
in some cases, same) sex.  In this case, the `stab' or `stroke' techniques
may be used.  Stabbing with a fingernail (which is easier for women to
implement) encourages eye contact when profuse apologies are offered.  This
is considered a considerable risk, and not to be taken by the feint hearted.
The easier `stroke' technique is a `just longer than necessary' period of
skin contact, which promotes a level of interest, and a large feeling of 
self-consciousness in the touchee.  Be sure not to let go of the change
until you are good and ready.  This approach often results in a smile, and a
`friendlier' atmosphere between touchee and toucher at their next encounter.

The stroke technique can backfire terribly, driving the touchee away for
good in a fit of revulsion, usually when he/she believes you to be a fat,
sweaty old pervert/maniac/rapist/murderer.


Lip Biting
==========
As can be expected, all staff members are, after all, only human, and suffer
from the urges and feelings that all other people do.  Most staff should be
able to recall a time of wanting to laugh, yet knowing that they should not.
Laughing examples include seeing someone's fly is open, witnessing a 
customer's extreme stupidity, or just thinking of something funny to cut
through the boredom.  Trying not to laugh, with the conscious knowledge that
doing so would be unforgivingly embarrassing for whoever is being laughed
at, is self-perpetuating, and is a very difficult cycle to break.  It is
suggested that the urge to laugh can be `toned down' by gently applying
pressure though the teeth, to the lower lip.  The pain generated by this
action, should be enough to cancel out the laughter.  However, care must be
taken not to puncture the skin, bleed everywhere, and cause customers to
faint.  Situations may occur that require communication with the `laughee'
and biting the lip becomes more of a problem.  This may be remedied by
clenching the fist, and driving fingernails into the palm of the hand, or by
stamping on one's other foot, or thinking about dead loved ones or pets.  A
less taxing method of `laugh prevention', involves requesting another member
of staff to bite your leg under the counter.  This may be a problem, if much
movement is required, or if the boss wanders over to see what all the
commotion is about.


Time Phenomena
==============
Time behaves strangely in a store environment.  This is largely due to the 
stresses and strains on a worker who has had to deal with one thick customer
after another.  There are two classifiable types:

Time Dilation
-------------
This is where time may pass quickly or slowly, depending upon what you are 
doing.  Time may pass quickly if there is a `rush' on, or may slow to a 
crawl if there's nothing to do except stare at the clock and pick your nose.
Time will usually pass very slowly during the last hour before closing time,
but this is often attributed to the store manager setting the clock back by
remote control.


Missing Time
------------
A common problem among floor staff is lapsing into an unfeeling state of 
automatic operation.  This is caused by your mind shutting down the higher
brain functions to prevent insanity, which is usually due to the worker
performing repetitive tasks.  It is possible for as much as four hours to
pass, during which time the unfortunate `automata' may have inadvertently
placed soap bars in the sweet section, sold cigarettes to minors, or stood
giggling, and dribbling insanely over the meat freezer.  The best ways to
bring someone out of this state is to lead them into the "staff only" room,
and feed them a hot cup of tea and biscuits.  The worst way to bring someone
out of this state is to club him or her repeatedly with a slab of frozen
meat, although this is of course considered obvious.


Sucking Up To Your Boss
=======================
Basically, the rule here is to obey the boss, immediately, without question,
without displaying any signs of displeasure or disagreement, and with a
smile on your face.  It also usually helps to go and give a chirpy "OK" to
indicate understanding, willingness, and to give the boss a bit of a power
rush.  This rule is null and void however, if the order is to jump under a
car, put your head in a mincer, or to do things that you _really don't want
to do_, such as inserting fruits into bodily orifices, personal, or
otherwise.  If you are extremely busy at the time of asking, the phrase 
"stick a broom up my arse and I'll sweep the floor as well" is not
recommended.


Hold-Up And Self Defence
========================
Sometimes the counter staff may be presented with a `hold up' situation.
This usually involves one or more large men with socks on their heads, 
demanding money with an object that looks remarkably like one of the small,
metal, gun shaped things that overpaid movie stars often run around with.
There is only one effective course of action to take, and that is to GIVE
THEM WHAT THEY WANT before they redecorate the wall paper with an
interesting colour called `hints of brain'.  Viewers of a certain cartoon
series may recognise this helpful bit of `actually being shot at' advice:
"Here's a hint, try to take it in the shoulder".  Hopefully, you will never
need to use this sage advice, because with any luck they will run out
without hurting anyone, and then the staff may then continue their life,
visiting trauma councillors, and jumping eight feet into the air when they
hear a door slam.

Of course, if the perpetrator is not carrying heavy artillery, or armed with
slicing implements, then remember some important points if the staff feel
like `having a go' [1]:


          * I've heard that having a baseball or cricket bat under the
            counter, specifically for self-defence, may be illegal.  Make
            sure it has a price label on it, so you can say "It was for
            sale, M'lud".
          * Shout to other staff or customers for help (although they are
            more likely to stand, watch and award points for style and
            aggression).
          * A swift kick to the groin may be all you need to make them drop
            like a screaming sack of spuds.
          * Throw money onto the floor, and as they're trying to pick it up,
            kick their head in.
          * Wrestle them to the ground, hold their arm behind their back and
            shout "squeeeeeeal little piggy", just for effect.
          * Jump onto the counter, naughtily impersonate Bruce Lee by
            screaming "hii-yaaah", and kick their teeth in.
          * Shout out "Great idea, mate!" hand over the cash, and when they
            are not looking bash them over the head with a tin of baked
            beans.
          * Chase them to the stationary section and wrap them in sticky
            tape.
          * Quickly closing the front doors and then squirting fast-bonding
            glue on the handles will make escape difficult without ripping
            all the skin off their fingers.
          * Suggest in a deep, menacing voice, to try the shop next door
            because "they won't rip your arms out of their sockets, and suck
            your brains out, human".
          * Force feeding them dry pasta will expand in their stomachs, so
            they will be unable to fit through the front doors.
          * Pricing guns can be deadly if set to `auto'.
          * Viciously, and mercilessly, short-change them.


Shelf Stacking
==============
One of the most important tasks a store worker has to perform is to make
sure the shelves are full, and that the packages are facing `out'.  The
purpose of this is to con the customer into believing that the products are
far superior, since the staff have spent so much time making their display
so nice.  Suckers!  They do not realise that a neatly arranged shelf can
hold more items than one not as neat.  Hence, the shelf does not need to be
frequently re-stocked, and therefore it is less work for the staff.  It is
mind numbingly tedious, and as boring as hell, but hey, you aren't dealing
directly with the customers (as described above), so it can't be all that
bad.


Hygiene
=======
Always carry a clean handkerchief.  Working with a cold can be a very
traumatic experience for the customer, as well as the worker.  This is
especially the case if the customer spies you blowing your nose, and then
has to watch in horror as you handle their cucumber.  Looks of abject
terror, extreme anger and unblinking disbelief are common, as is storming
out of the shop, swearing to people that they'll "never return to this
goddamn disgusting shop", and generally making your bad day worse.  To make
you feel better, you may then chase after the aforementioned `lost-sale'
and, since they have vowed never to return, scream your grievances at them
at the top of your lungs.  If unfortunately your shouting capacity is
reduced due to your state of health, spray painting your feelings on their
car as they drive away is a neat, if tricky, alternative.


Summary
=======
With any luck, you will now be half way prepared to work behind the counter.
You should be conscious of your external appearance and friendly `persona'
to the money brandishing public, and should know your role in the `shopping
experience' to eight decimal places.  Some store workers can hack the job
for sixth months or so, before various mental problems start to kick in.  It
takes a special kind of person to keep going for as long as the author has,
and even more so for the owners of such establishments.  This may be 
attributed to sheer determination, lack of funds, or mindless stupidity.
The basic trick is to grit your teeth.  If something is going wrong, grin 
(and grit) and bear it.  Try to call for assistance if at all possible, and
apologise for your own apparent `stupidity'.  Do not begrudge yourself a 
secret wish that something nasty and painful would fall out of the sky, and
bounce off your problem's head with an amusing "boiing" sound.

If all else fails, go find a real job.

[1] Warning!  This course of action is not recommended.  I mean it.  Don't
    do it.  You won't be able to forgive yourself.  Especially if you're
    dead.  Look, even if the guy is half your size, give it some serious
    thought.  I really mean it!
%e
*EOA*


*
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