* Id: Beer * Revision: 1 * State: submitted * * Log: * Revision 1 1997/07/12 Darren Long * Initial submitted version. This was lost in the system for ages. * It was originally distributed to editor 9. >From: Spike Hi Roel. Please find attached an article on beer, for review. The field research for this article was extensive and very costly. My claim form for expenses is below. ____________________ Expenses Claim Form. ____________________ Item Quantity Cost ________________________________ Beer loads £1000000 I look forward to receiving the cheque very soon. Cheers, spike --------------------------------------- "He who fights and runs away is wasting valuable running time." Arnold J Rimmer --------------------------------------- 1234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456789012345678901234567890123456 %t Beer. * Formatted/Saved by WinPGG v1.5 Beta 1 (1997/07/12) %n R %s A Weak Alcoholic Drink. %a long.spike@virgin.net %d 19970703 %e Beer forms a major constituent of the diet of most young male humans on planet Earth. This is partly due to its fairly low alcohol content, which allows them to [usually] consume vast quantities of it before the probality of a death like event becomes too high. The chances are that they will pass out before reaching the LD50 and if not, will be more than likely to spend their time urinating or vomitting rather than drinking anymore. [NB: readers are advised that if they feel really ill whilst drinking beer, they should not consume more than another 8 pints.] Beer is formed by a process known as brewing, carried out by brewers in places called breweries. Its major constituent is water, with additional alcohol, sugar, yeast, colouring and numerous bacteria as frequent additives.[1] Beer comes in all sorts of colours, flavours and containers. Typical colours are: * Black * Almost but not quite black * Light black * Dark brown * Brown * Slightly transparent brown * Cloudy golden * Urine coloured [3] Typical flavours are: * Brown ale - usually strong with an aftertaste halflife of 14 Earth days and a hangover factor of 7 on the Richter scale. Drink this if you visit Newcastle, it might save your life. * Light ale - tastes like Mother Theresa's piss with as much alcohol content. * Cheap lager - slightly different colour but otherwise see above. * Premium strength lager - Don't worry about losing your keys. If you drink this for long you will be living on the streets with a dog on a string. * Stout - a very dark beer which can prevent your bicycle from going in the morning. * Bitter - varies in strength from none at all to heavy duty and in taste from vomit to a sort of nutty earthy flavour. * Mild - all of the others mixed together with extra water and anything else handy added. Common containers are: * Barrels - usually enough for a days drinking. * Cans - get more than you can carry, you will need them. * Bottles - see above, but more fun because you can smash them. * Glasses - get these in pubs and take them home so you don't have to drink from a barrel. Beer often comes with a frothy top, called head. Sometimes in pubs you get more head, sometimes you get less. Usually if you don't like the ammount, the bartender will adjust it for you. [2] After drinking lots of beer, some people have a tendency to fall over. This often results in the proprietor of the drinking establishment refusing to serve them anymore beer. Should this happen to you, a useful retort is the following verse, (if you can remember it). Also, it is helpful to get up before trying it. He is not drunk, who from the floor, can rise again and drink some more. But he is drunk, who prostrate lies and cannot drink and cannot rise. [Anon.] This will undoubtedly convince the landlord that you are still capable. As an alternative, you could try the following lines from a song by the Macc Lads: Beer, beer, we want more beer. All the lads are cheering, Get the fucking beer in! [1] Occasionally beer vendors introduce more water into their beer for nefarious reasons. [2[ Under no circumstances ask the bartender to give you head, as a smack in the mouth often hurts. [3] Are you sure its beer ? %e *EOA* --------------461F42AB6FB2--