* Id: Food * Revision: 1 * State: submitted * * Log: * Revision 1 1998/06/18 Aleksander Solum * Initial submitted version. * * Checked-out 1998/12/31 Aaron Rice * * Checked-in 2000/01/15 Aaron Rice * * Checked-out 2000/01/15 Roel van der Meulen [ For e-mail header see article `Europa' ] FOOD (SEMI-REAL) Aleksander Solum, zolum@online.no Food is, simply, what human beings eat. It is one of the Vital Things for Human Survival: Food, sex, and hero-worshipping [1]. Actually, the human need for food is rather surprising. Most species get their energy by more advanced means, such as screaming out "I am not hungry!". This strategy, however, has not yet been discovered by human beings. Instead, they have developed a primitive lust for more food, more food, more food, so primitive is it, in fact, that most of the population does not have food - it has been seized by a small part of the population that call themselves lawyers [2]. This strange and primitive lust for food has developed to quite insane levels. The creation of well-tasting food is known as "gastronomy". Most people can't make good food, so as a subsitute, they watch people do it on TV. One of the most popular persons to make food on the television is Keith Floyd. The Earth is divided into two sectors: THE WEST --- THE EAST The West is quite simply and very correctly described as the rich sector. Nearly all the lawyers have their residence in the west. All the money is there. Unfortunately, gastronomy is a rather ill-developed science in the West. Most people eat what they call hamburgers, that is, pieces of bread on top of each other with dog-food, salad and mayonnaise between. The rich people (the lawyers), however, are entitled to go on special places where they serve authentic food from the east. These places are known as restaurants. The restaurant owners (who are usually lawyers) have developed a strange code of conduct that needs to be followed if you wish to eat food in a restaurant. By restricting the knowledge of this code of conduct to the lawyers, ordinary people are kept out of the restaurant. An example of this code of conduct is, "when coughing, do so at your hands". The logical thing, of course, would be to cough at the poor guy who's sitting next to you, but, hey, anything for keeping the non-lawyers out. The East is where all the good food is. Unfortunately, there are very few lawyers in the East, so most people there have to eat hamburgers anyway. Typical high-quality ingredients developed by the lawyers in the east are: coconut milk, rice (in the west, they use potatoes), fresh vegetables (as opposed to frozen), and so on... If you are travelling to the Earth, the best thing to do is to dress up as a lawyer [3] and go to the East. [1] This is also known as politics. [2] More or less one percent of the human population are lawyers. They control ninety-nine percent of the economy, and thus, food, on the planet. They also have quite effective hallucinating abilities. By clever use of these abilities, they manage to make the people who appear to have all the money, actually give the lawyers most of it! And as if that were not enough, they do it under the illusion that the lawyers actually work for them, and that they must be paid. Lawyers have evolved on most civilizations, but humanity is unique, in that the human species has not developed an antidote. An example of an antidote is the anti-lawyer poison utilized by dolphins. [3] How do you make yourself look like a lawyer? Well, it really isn't easy. The best thing to do is to bring a lot of money. If you do not have a lot of money, there is really only one good advice - stay away from the Earth!